Wrestling With Wrapping Paper or How Paper Saves the Holidays

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll discuss the correct way to wrap gifts , an important topic so close to Christmas.

We’ve entered dangerous territory at Blogginhood.com. Over the past few days, I’ve thrown out some questionable conspiracy theories. If you missed those posts, you missed my acquisition that Santa is planning global domination, and Eggnog put the stink on Fruitcake. How concerned should I be for my sanity? In any event, today we’ll break off the conspiracy trend and try to avoid a government list.

Everyone knows if you state three conspiracy theories in a row, you will make a secret list. As long as you avoid three in a row, you’re safe. It’s the reverse NBA Jam rule. In short, try not to catch fire with any conspiracy theories.

I want to help people out with the most essential part of Christmas – presents. Let’s face it, other than the presents, Christmas mirrors most other major holidays. What sets December 25 apart is the mounds of gifts exchanged. There’s also a bunch of Santa hats.

And sure, there’s love and family too, but that’s not fun to write about. Let’s focus on the gross commercialization of the holiday instead. Capitalism – now there’s a fun topic people enjoy.

By now, you should have purchased your gifts. If not, please stop reading this blog and immediately panic. Last minute Christmas shopping does happens, but we’re beyond the 11^th hour. If you’re still out searching for gifts, I recommend gift cards, the procrastinator’s greatest tool. And while nobody believes a gift card is a well thought out gift, they’re pretty frigging sweet. Would you rather have a gift card, or a pair of sweatpants that don’t fit well?

Hell, with the gift card, you can buy sweat pants.

For today’s blog, we’ll assume you’ve thought ahead and brought all of your presents. Congratulations. You’re somehow only halfway done with your gift preparation. Personally, this is the most frustrating part of the holidays. That’s saying something since I’ve already complained about 8 things, and have 3 more to go.

It’s not enough to plan out and buy the perfect gifts for everyone on your list. No, of course not. You also have to make them presentable*. ²

Children’s Gifts – Wrap

Whenever possible, Children’s gifts should be wrapped. I mean, isn’t this the point of wrapping paper? Kids spend their days leading up to Christmas looking under the tree, guessing what’s in their presents. The best part of the holidays is watching children tear through wrapping paper while they open their gifts. The environment might hate this, but when have we cared about that? This is an easy choice; wrap every kid’s present you can.

There’s also the relief when a child enjoys what you gave them. I’m still sweating that out, but hopefully I did well this year. That relief is probably in the top 3 Christmas feelings. First is definitely the children’s joy. Next is getting a second round of dessert. In third is the rush of relief knowing you gave a good gift.

Last place is how you feel after that second round of desserts.

Gifts in Soft Shipping Packaging – Gift Bag

This year, more packages are being ordered on-line than ever before. Let’s face it, in a Non-Covid universe, this would still probably be true. However, our current predicament encourages on-line ordering. If you are going out to stores to buy gifts, please be careful. No matter what you’d doing, be kind to any essential workers. We’re often agitated and ranting on Blogginhood, but we’re not monsters. Don’t be dicks, people.

Plenty of gifts ordered online come in soft shipping packages. These are all (hopefully) soft or sturdy gifts. You could try to wrap said presents in their protective wrapping, but it’s extremely difficult. Without a box, you don’t really have a steady shape to work with. Unless you happen to have some boxes lying around, I’d go with the gift bag.

If you have a bunch of boxes lying around, you either have a pet, or are a hoarder. If it’s the latter, get some help and get those boxes out on recycling day. Take your living room back.

Gifts in Shipping Boxes – Wrap

There is a cynical side of me*** ³ that thinks the shipped box doesn’t need any wrapping paper. If you check the “This order is a gift” box, all labels should be covered. Therefore, isn’t this technically wrapped? Sure it’s not traditional wrapping paper, but the gift remains a mystery and is concealed. Plus, the recipient has to open something to get to the gift. Hmm… Wait, is this the cynical side of me, or am I just brilliant?

No, unfortunately this concept fails for a number of reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that you need to check any ordered package before giving it as a gift. You need to make sure you’ve received the right order and it’s not damaged. If you don’t check your packages, you might give a broken toy to a child, ruining Christmas. Or, you may embarrassingly give a gift intended for a significant other to someone else. I shouldn’t have to spell it out, but imagine sending a “personal” gift intended for your partner to your grandmother? Let’s try avoiding that scenario.

The second reason is reliance on the “This order is a gift” option is shaky at best. Shippers are dealing with millions of packages throughout December. Do you trust every single package marked as a gift will be treated as such? I’m not blaming the shippers here – it’s natural human error. Some packages won’t block out the item information, thus defeating the lazy man wrapping strategy. If you don’t believe me, let me tell you a story where this backfired.

A few years back, I ordered my dad a golf hand cart. This way, he could save money on rentals whenever he played.

I want to be clear, this was a hand cart, where you manually drag the clubs. I didn’t buy my father a full fledged golf cart as I’m not Scrooge McDuck.

Anyway, instead of shipping it to my apartment, I sent it directly to my parent’s house and checked that it was a gift. I thought I was being so crafty. A few days before his birthday, my dad called, thanking me for the cart. I asked him if he opened the box early. He did not, but knew what the gift was because despite being treated as a gift box, the container had a picture of the hand cart on it. Fantastic. I’m not sure how that even makes sense, but it served me right.

Now granted, in my example, I was trying to make transport and delivery easier. I still should have reviewed the package contents and wrapped it myself.

The final reason I have is, do you really want your recipient to open a box? You can open a box any day. But a pretty, wrapped box? Now that is something special.

I don’t think that paragraph is as sarcastic as you think.

Clothing – Varies

This isn’t a one size fits all situation****. ⁴. The biggest factor is how you acquired the clothes. Did you order something and it came in a box? If so, I recommend wrapping it, just as I did above. You should open the box to make sure the gift is ok anyway.

But some clothes comes in soft packaging, which should always be placed in a gift bag. Clothing is also one of the few things you’ve usually better off buying in person. If you do that, you’ll likely leave the store with it in a shopping bag. If so, that’s also a prime candidate for a gift bag.

So basically, if it’s not in a box, throw it in a bag. Where else can you get this type of hard hitting analysis?

Edible Gifts – Wrap

Most edible gifts are desserts. Typically, these will be fancy chocolates, or if you dislike your recipient, candy canes. These will always come in a box, and therefore, should be wrapped.

Keep in mind if you’re going to a holiday party or dinner, bringing a dessert is a different thing. You do not want to wrap a pie for the party. That’s frigging weird. Keep those unwrapped, pretending that you understand social norms.

Other gifts, such as a edible gift basket will have it’s own packaging and should be left as is. Most gift baskets have perishables, so it’s best not to keep those as a surprise. Imagine not knowing you received a cake, and keeping the wrapped box under the tree for a week. That would be the saddest Christmas story ever.

‘The Cake That Never Was” Airs at 9 PM, December 24th on Hallmark.

Booze – Bag

If you’re gifting booze, don’t wrap it. I know some booze comes in a box, but let’s be honest with ourselves. Most people aren’t gifting booze to keep it on a shelf for years. This gift will be opened within minutes of receipt, especially at a party. Please put any booze in a gift bag for easy access. You’re doing a favor for all people involved.

Jewelry – Both

Should you choose to purchase jewelry, no matter the type, go the extra mile. This gift should be wrapped and then added to a small gift bag. It might sound like extra work, because that’s exactly what it is. Still, it’s worth it for a special gift.

If you’re bad at wrapping presents – Wrap

This isn’t suggesting that by practicing you’re skills, you’ll improve at wrapping gifts. No. This blog is not a motivational tool. If you suck at wrapping gifts, you’ll likely always suck at it. You only get to practice a few times a year, and any improvement is only temporary to get through that session. How dare you show optimism here.

The reason you should wrap you gifts if you’re bad at it, is deception. My gift wrapping is so bad, I can wrap a rectangle box and make it look like a circle. The worse you are at wrapping, the more surprised your recipient has. Isn’t that the point of wrapping presents? Put those awful, awful skills to good use and wow your gift list.

You won’t be able to play it off that you wrapped poorly as part of the surprise, but you can try. If you pull it off, let me know.

Gift Cards – Bag

This is obvious. You should put any gift card in an envelope (if needed) and add it to a small gift bag. There should be no debate.

Therefore, it shouldn’t surprise you that I wrapped a gift card once. I did it for the surprise factor. My recipient was extremely confused, and a little concerned. I don’t recommend wrapping a gift card, unless you want people to worry about you.

Please don’t do this for attention. That’s what social media is for.

Remember, preparing your gifts might be annoying, but the end result is worth it. You’ll help make somebody’s day. However, when you are wrapping presents, you’re free to curse as much as you want. Let the expletives fly, as physics seems to change on the fly. I curse at the tape more than anything. How does tape continue to get stuck to itself? You’d think it would learn. Dumbass roll of tape.

See? The swearing has already started. Tis the season.

2. *This pun needs to be appreciated. Praise it! [/efn_ note]. This means you will have to wrap your gifts.

   In theory, this is one of the dumbest practices we have in society. We take our time making our gifts look as pretty as possible. Then on the recipients birthday or at Christmas, all the work is ripped apart in seconds. Sometimes, the recipients open our gifts extremely violent. There’s 1% of people who careful open gifts to conserve the wrapping people. These people also drink their tea with their pinkies up. I bet their homes have a foyer.

   Believe it or not, I don’t hate the tradition of gift wrapping. I like the element of surprise. Seeing somebody’s eyes light up when they realize what’s underneath the wrapping paper is priceless. However, I hate physically wrapping presents. This part sucks.

   I’m one of the worst gift wrappers of all time. It’s a simple concept – cover the gift in paper. As long as the gift is in the same shape, it’s passable. This shouldn’t be hard.

   It’s so frigging hard.

   

   I think I average three tries for every wrapped present. There’s piles of wasted paper on the floor. Truly, the biggest winner when I wrap gifts is Cody Cat. He immediately claims any discarded wrapping paper as his. In fact, while I’m writing this, he’s currently sitting on some paper I angrily tossed to the ground for being too small. So that’s a silver lining I guess.

   You know what else is annoying about gift wrapping? Tape. How does it take a quarter of a role to wrap a 5 inch by 5 inch box? I swear, Big Tape is probably… No, I’m not going down that road today. I’m avoiding conspiracies.

   That doesn’t mean I’m not watching you, tape.

   For inept gift wrappers like me, corporations came up with a solution – the gift bag. Simply place your present in some tissue paper, move it in a gift bag, and you’re done. The process is painless, except for the cost. Wrapping paper isn’t always cheap, but it’s significantly more cost effective. Gift bags are typically pricey, and you’ll need way more tissue paper than you’d expect. It doesn’t help that tissue paper packages comes with either 4 sheets, or 4,000. Fantastic.

   You might think this is simple cost benefit analysis. Is the increased cost of a gift bag (and tissue paper) worth the time and frustrating saved? I don’t believe so. There’s times gift bags and times for wrapping paper. I believe the appropriate options depends on both the gift and recipient.

   Listen, I’ve spent eight days railing on dumb Christmas traditions. I also hate wrapping gifts more than anyone. You can certainly put nearly any present in a gift bag and call it a day. However, the look on people’s faces when they tear open a wrapped gift is worth the frustration.

   Oh, and there’s a lot of frustration. I curse more at wrapping paper than I do the Jets. That’s a lot of swears.

   I’ve made a quick guide on when I’d recommend wrapping or if you can use a gift bag. While I suck at wrapping presents, I think this makes my list more valid. If I’m sucking it up to wrap gift, you can too**. ¹ **I’ve heard rumors you can pay to have gifts wrapped. I’m complaining about the cost of tissue paper? How the Hell am I affording that? I’m don’t have a foyer. I barely have a roof.

3. You don’t say?
4. ****Give me the damn pun championship belt.