What Is the Elf on the Shelf Doing? or The Great Santa Conquest Conspiracy

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll review Christmas’ most disturbing tradition – Elf on the Shelf.

During the build up to Christmas, we’re constantly reminded of family. Every piece of Christmas media focuses on a combination of true love and family. Occasionally, there’s product placement, but we’re not here to talk about Capitalism until we get to day 11 of Blogmas.

I can’t deny that family is a huge part of the holidays. I do have some reservations about true love though. Why are there so many people looking to shack up during the holidays in these Christmas movies? Shouldn’t they already have family to see and plans they cannot break? Here’s a pitch for a realistic holiday film – two strangers like to date, but have to postpone until the New Year to be begin actual human beings. I can see the reviews now – 1 star, no convoluted Santa matchmaker subplot.

In my opinion, the holidays are for the youngest generation. As an adult, or 33 year old man child as I’m often called, I obviously see the appeal of the holidays. However, a lot of that joy comes from seeing it through the eyes of children. It’s a whirlwind for kids. They wake up to see some of the cookies and milk they left out for Santa have been consumed. They check under the tree and open presents, getting the toys and games high on their list. Later in the day, they see the rest of the family who give them more gifts and eat a crap ton of cookies. Isn’t that the best day you can imagine? I mean, they’re getting the premier gifts of the day.

As an adult, we still get presents, but most of it is practical stuff. Remember as a kid, when you’d make a face when you’d open up a pack of socks for Christmas? Today, give me a fresh 6 pack of those bad boys. Do you know how hard it is to find matching socks in a sock drawer? A fresh pair means I have no issues for nearly a week.

Is that not a problem other people have?

Above all else, children should have the time of their life during the holidays. At the same time, kids need to earn their yearly mountain of presents. If a child acts like the demon spawn of Satan, they probably shouldn’t get a PS5, Nintendo Switch and an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range mode air rifle. I mean, if the child is misbehaving, they’ll definitely put their own eyes out with an air rifle. Fortunately, there are built in checks.

The first is good parenting. If you’ve raised your children right, there’s no worry. Your little ones are mostly well behaved and will appreciate the gifts they receive. I don’t have any parenting skills as I do not have any human children. I do have a cat, but this morning I gave him some leftover wrapping paper and he’s been in heaven for 3 hours. Something tells me humans take a bit more work. However, if you raise your children the right way, Christmas is a wonderful time to spoil them a bit* ¹

The second check comes in as soon as we get to December 1st. Parents use the allure of presents to invoke good behavior out of their children. This sounds like bribery because it is bribery. In theory, it makes sense and it all revolves around our favorite portly demigod, Santa.

Santa is always portrayed as a jolly, happy man who brings Christmas presents to everyone who behaves. But if you think about it, there’s a lot of red flags in his behavior. Consider the Christmas song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” for how he makes his list.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice,
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

Ok, this makes sense. I don’t have any issue with him having a naughty or nice list. I mean, there’s needs to be some judgment. However, he gets his information in the most shady way possible.

He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

Are you kidding me St. Nick? Why in the world are you watching young children sleeping? Use your powers for something less depraved, you dirty old man. Mrs. Claus, your husband is out of control**. ²

Also, why do those the naughty list get coal? I get it’s not a toy, but coal isn’t cheap. You can sell that kind of stuff for a profit. Today, kids could create an eBay account, sell their “punishment” and end up buying whatever they wanted. Santa needs to upgrade his punishments. And give children some privacy, Jesus. Perhaps it was this realization that created Elf on a Shelf. Instead of making Santa look bad, he would send his minions to do his dark bidding. I see what your up to Santa.

The Elf on the Shelf is a new tradition, similar to the rise of ugly Christmas sweaters. I do like the idea behind the tradition though. It began from a book released in 2004 that told the tale of the Elves. In the book, the elves are scouts, observing the behavior of each family and reporting back when everyone is asleep.

Well, there’s an improvement. The elves aren’t creeping on sleeping people like Saint Nick. At least they have some decency that their boss lacks.

The Elves then observe families in a different spot every day. According to the story, being named and found by children gives them the magic needed to return back to the North Pole. However, if they’re touched or moved, they might not be able to make the journey back home. This is clever for a couple of reasons. It helps keep the children engaged, trying to find the Elf each day. Until the Elf is found, kids must always be on their best behavior, as if they are seen being bad, it could affect their annual review from Santa.

Imagine if the naughty and nice list was determined via an interview. Think of the fibs*** ³ some kids will spew to get better gifts. I guarantee plenty of children would bring up their sibling’s bad deeds if it made them look better. I get it. I’d want to look better by comparison too. There’s a lot of great games on the Switch.

Personally, the most genius portion of the story is the twist about touching or moving the Elf. The story encourages the kids to interact with the Elf but not grab it. This adds to the realism (younger kids will think the Elf is real). I didn’t know the background behind Elf on the Shelf before today, and I got to say, I’m a fan. Good work from Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, the authors of the book.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I like the concept and the story behind Elf on the Shelf. However, I despite the practice. “How?” you might ask. “Bloggin Hood, I’m surprised you’d be out on a holiday tradition. That’s not like you,” the more snarky readers would say. There’s plenty of wonderful ideas that don’t work out in practice. I thought if I brought a package of cookies, I’d only eat one on occasion as a reward for having a clean healthy week. That package didn’t last the first night. Great idea; horrible execution.

The first issue should be obvious. These elves are creepy as anything. You can’t tell me you feel comfortable looking at this thing.

Now, imagine you wake up in the middle of the night, forgetting about the Elf and then lock eyes unto that demon? I’d scream bloody murder. I think anyone with a pulse and soul would as well.

Is this what we want? Sure, our children’s may behave, but only because there’s a demon Elf hiding in the house. I’d want my children to behave because, you know, they’re actually good children, not because they’ve afraid of Elf magic.

Weren’t Elves supposed to be cute? The original story makes them sound like allies and friends. Any image I can find of the Elves look like they have a knife and patient wait for the right moment to strike. Perhaps if these were designed like the friendly Elves we’re used to, I could get behind the practice. But I can’t have these monsters in my house. I couldn’t reassure my kids that we’d be safe.

My second, more selfish reason I’m against the Elf on the shelf is the workload. Listen, the holidays are a lot of work. Just the practice of figuring out what to buy isn’t easy. There’s decorating, wrapping, cooking/baking and travel (I mean, maybe not that last one in 2020, but you know what I mean). I don’t have any children, and the holidays already stress me out.

Consider how much more you have to do when you have kids. Every gift needs to be kept secret. You have to wrap gifts at odd times and make sure you have all gifts covered. You even have to make sure relatives and friends have some gifts to buy for the kids and not duplicate presents. I’m sure I’m missing a bunch of things because I don’t have kids.

Parents are now expected to add to their work load, and find unique hiding places for a creepy ass demon Elf. Typically, Elf on the shelf starts on December 1^st, though that could vary per household. If it is December 1^st, that’s 24 unique hiding spots? Unless you’re living in a frigging mansion, you’re going to struggle to come up with that number. I don’t think I own 24 pieces of furniture. This sounds like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

Now, there’s two camps on Elf on a Shelf. Some people love the tradition. They pridefully find new spots every day, and the boldest parents post the placements on social media. There’s also others, who hate the concept and want nothing to do with it. Maid Megan is definitely the former and Bloggin Hood is unquestionably the latter. There’s going to be a huge argument over this if we have kids in 20-25 years from now.**** ⁴

I will obviously lose that fight and be hiding Edgar the Elf in the wee hours of the morning. Edgar the Elf sounds like a low effort name I’d come up with. Bob Bobberton approves it.

Is the garbage disposal an inappropriate hiding place? What about the garbage bins on trash night?

My final issue is how Elf on the Shelf portrays Santa. I do think having the Elves report back to Santa makes Mr. Claus seem less creepy. On the other hand, isn’t he just flexing his power? He has millions of Elves to spare to gather information? Think about how many must work in the shops up north. How the hell is Santa paying all of these workers? Don’t tell me the Elves consider it a labor of love. This sounds illegal. Elves, start unionizing.

And try not to be so frigging creepy.

If anything, this new tradition paints Santa in a bad light. If we take the song as fact, Santa used to watch young children sleep every night. He had complete surveillance on every child in the world. We’re afraid the government spies on us but Santa doing the same thing is perfectly ok?

Now, Santa has the man power to send an Elf to each house to gather his intel. I mean, with all the info Santa has on our habits, couldn’t he begin a global domination quest anytime he wants to? That would be a fitting end to 2020, the Santa villain twist nobody saw coming.

Then again, maybe I’ve insane from trying to write 12 blogs and 12 days and this is the result.

Elf on the Shelf is another example of a good idea that doesn’t work in practice. The creep factor is off the charts and is makes Santa look like an evil mastermind bent on conquest. I prefer my holidays to be less evil. In you insist on Elf on a Shelf, please, adopt a cuddly Elf. If your Elf doesn’t gaze into the depths of your soul, it might work out.

I’m still never going to have 24 places to hide it though.

1. *I’m not going to criticize or critique parenting tips here. If you’re afraid you may have raised a spawn of Satan, Bloggin Hood is not the website you should be visiting.
2. **I think it goes without saying, but my rendition of Santa Claus did not cross any lines. I was one of the good ones.
3. ***I don’t think kids would outright lie to Santa Claus, even in this pressure situation. I believe kids are inherently good. Life turns these good kids into cynical sarcastic assholes. You know, like me.
4. ****This is where we find out how quickly Maid Megan reads Bloggin Hood posts. The comments could turn angry quick.