Eggnog: A Holiday Flop or Why Not Serve Raw Chicken Too?

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll go against health standards and talk about Eggnog.

Raw and undercooked eggs may contain Salmonella, a type of harmful bacteria. This bacteria can be found on eggshells but also inside eggs. Consuming contaminated eggs can cause food poisoning. Symptoms of food poisoning include stomach cramps, diarrhea, nausea, fever and headache. – (Source – healthline.com/nutrition/eating-raw-eggs.)

Some people prefer to consume raw or undercooked eggs. However, the FDA estimate that about 79,000 people develop foodborne illnesses, and 30 people die each year due to eating eggs contaminated with Salmonella. – (Source – cdc.gov/foodsafety/communication/salmonellaandeggs

Eggs are gross. – (Source – BlogginHood.com)

Wow, three of the most influential information source are all saying similar things about eggs. This is vital information.

I’m not a very picky eater. There are few foods I won’t eat at all. My biggest Baby Corn is my biggest food nemesis. I exposed Baby Corn’s grossness in the provided link. I also hate Kale with a fiery passion. While, somehow, Kale has avoided being a blog subject this far, it’s presence looms over a lot of my food takes. It also refuses to blend in smoothies, which is extremely annoying. Maybe don’t have an obnoxious stem attached to 80% of your leaves, Kale. Superfood my ass. Spinach > Kale, and it’s not close.

While I’ll eat them, I really don’t like mashed potatoes. My Thanksgiving side power ranking put the popular potato product in dead last. This wasn’t for show – I really don’t want to eat mashed potatoes if I have other, superior options. I enjoy potatoes in every other form, so it has nothing to do with the taste.

I think it’s a texture thing for me. It’s glorified mush, and gravy only accentuates that I’m eating a weird butter and potato puree.. I’ve tried mashed potatoes from many different cooks, and none of them have changed my tune. In fact, I’d argue lumpy mashed potatoes are better than smooth ones for the texture. I know how blasphemous that statement is, but I can’t deny my feelings. Smooth mashed potatoes are just an accepted, adult version of baby food.

Oh, that’s a good blog title for a 2021 entry. note to self, circle back to this in March.

Finally, we come to the last food on Bloggin Hood’s shit list – eggs. This should be no surprise. I mean, I’m one of the information sources right at the top.

There are dozens of ways to prepare eggs. However, there’s only one way I can eat eggs – as an omelet, where other, tastier things overpower the egg. This minimizes any egg taste and makes eating it passable. I also burn my omelets to a blackened crisp. For whatever reason, I can handle a burnt egg. I’d say it’s for texture, but let’s face it, it’s because I’m a sucky cook.

You can give me eggs any other style – Scrambled, fried, over easy, or even dyed green with ham, and my answer is the same. No thank you. This isn’t just a texture thing, though that doesn’t help. I don’t like how eggs taste in any form. I remember trying a hard boil egg as a teen and hated it so much, I figured I left the shell on. Not a good sign for the incredible, edible egg.

For the record I didn’t leave that shell on. Based on my previous cooking stories, I’m sure a few of you are curious.

Now, I respect eggs a lot. Without eggs, tons of desserts wouldn’t be possible. Plenty of recipes would change. The culinary world would flip on it’s head. Mini Hot Dogs would have a much worse pastry. I do not want to live in that world. You can mix eggs in nearly everything, and I’m for it. Just don’t give me them on their own. And please, don’t give me eggs in a drink.

Eggnog, what are you doing?* ¹

This is yet another tradition I can’t understand. I get how fruitcake became a thing. Back in the day, stuffing a bunch of fruits and nuts together in a cake was probably the height of desserts. They didn’t have the plethora of options and sweeteners we do today. Hell, they couldn’t just add artificial flavors either. When fruitcakes got popular, it combined the best options they had. It was likely both mind-blowing and waistline expanding.

Is there a reason to eat fruitcake today? No, of course not. Eat a couple of Christmas cookies and a slice of pie/cake and you’re good to go.** ² But at least when fruitcakes made their debut, I understand the appeal.

I can’t picture why Eggnog had any appeal in any era, but especially in the 1600-1700s, where according to Wikipedia, the term nog was first used. The drink might have existed before that. The further you go back in history, the dumber the concept of Eggnog is.

Also, nog sounds like a dirty word. I’m going to use it sparingly.

As quoted at the top of the blog, eating raw egg is not wise. You risk salmonella, which is basically having food poisoning. Have you ever had food poisoning? Well, it feels like you’re dying for multiple days. Today, thanks to pasteurization, the risk of salmonella in eggs is pretty low*** ³, but it still exists. Even if the odds are less than 1%, why risk it? You can choose to not eat raw eggs instead.

But back in the 1700s, these eggs had a much higher risk of contamination. People were shitting in chamber pots. Do you really think food hygiene was at acceptable standards? The risk from raw eggs could never be higher, but people chose to knock back raw egg juice during December. Brilliant. Oh, and consider that leeches were a popular medical remedy. Seems like a recipe for disaster****. ⁴.

Today’s Eggnog Recipe, at least according to Eggnog – Wikipedia, lists the following ingredients – milk, cream, sugar, whipped egg whites, and egg yokes. Boy, that sure puts me in the mood to vomit uncontrollably. It also mixes in holiday spices – usually cinnamon and nutmeg. You can also spike this drink with booze, but we’ll circle back there in a minute.

The combination of ingredients feels more like a bad pudding than a liquid. I mean, aren’t we just flour away from a cake recipe? I wouldn’t be surprise if Eggnog was created by somebody who completely forget a step when baking. Written out, it also doesn’t sound very good honestly. It exists in a state of matter between solid and liquid. Can we classify Eggnog as Jell-o?

Honestly, a failed recipe is the only way raw eggs make any sense in a drink. Nobody has ever thought that their sweetened milk needed a splash of egg yolk. The base – Milk, Cream, sugar and spices, sounds like a child’s drink honestly. Like an early aged, bad version of the Shirley Temple. The combination sounds gross still, but at least that scenario makes it seem somewhat normal. But that’s boring. Let’s fabricate a different origin story.

I wonder if the inventor of Eggnog was a farmer with a chicken coop and a surplus of eggs. Fearing a loss of the year, he came up with a drink involving raw eggs. This got rid of his surplus quickly and could help him turn a profit. If he was a farmer, he’d likely have access to milk and cream as well.

Unfortunately, most people wouldn’t go for an egg based drink. At this point, our farmer should have abandoned his plan, but instead proceeded with the stubbornness of a ram bashing a wall. He added one last ingredient that would sway people’s opinion, booze. A little alcohol changed everything. Afterwards, people were hooked, likely because they drank too much before giving their review.

I’d imagine the first time people drank spiked Eggnog, the next morning was devastating. They suffered from hangovers and food poisoning. Again, this was the era of chamber pots. I would not like to see a re-enactment of this.

Truly, this is the only logical reason people can enjoy Eggnog is the booze. Nobody can justify raw egged milk. But raw egged milk with brandy? Sure, people will drink it.

Of course, this is faulty logic. It was faulty in the 1700s, where the options were limited. Certainly, the people had to have a drink that mixed with alcohol better than this. But today? People have no excuse today.

There are hundreds of mixers for alcohol in modern times. The combinations are limitless. There is no reason people should settle for Eggnog. People, you can do so much better. Soda exists. Juices exist. Hell, you can drink is straight up. Literally anything is better than a drink that involves multiple forms of egg.

Perhaps people drink Eggnog because they enjoy a chilled drink that has a different texture than soda or juices. Well, have you considered a milkshake? Milkshakes have a lot of the same ingredients as Eggnog, except instead of having raw egg, it has things that are edible. Hell, you can add the booze and spices to your milkshake and get a similar effect. If you are a fan of eggnog, try this. It has a significantly lower chance of killing you.

You know, unless you drink four booze shakes for the next 20 years. That’s a issue for both alcoholic content, and packing on pounds. But one at a party sounds pretty nice.

Eggnog seems like yet another tradition we’re following just to follow it. The different here is that I have no idea why this ever became a thing in the first place. It was significantly more dangerous to drink Eggnog when it was invented than it is now. If we invented this in 2005, I’d still hate it, but at least the odds of violent death were lower.

Hmm… Maybe Eggnog was an early version of Russian Roulette? Did they call it Revolutionary Roulette? I wonder… Is this is what really happened to Alexander Hamilton. Him and Burr shared a pitcher of Eggnog until one of them died from Salmonella. I knew that musical lied to us.

Here’s an actual fact about a founding father. Per the Wikipedia article, George Washington had an Eggnog recipe. You can follow in the link, but his called for approximately 30% milk, 30% egg, 30% booze and 10% sugar. Those ratios can get out of hand quick. Mr. President really knew how to party. Unfortunately, he partied with frigging Eggnog. I’m disappointed in you George. Next, you’ll tell me Thomas Jefferson wasn’t that good of guy.

Oh…

We’ve evolved as a society since the 1700s. Well, unless you look at anything on social media. Maybe we’ve devolved. Let’s start this paragraph over.

Our technology has evolved since the 1700s. Perhaps back then, Eggnog was the best holiday drink around. Today, there was 1,000 better options. Nobody should be reaching for slightly chilled, sweetened egg milk. Whether you want booze or a soft drink, society has you covered. You know what’s a great holiday drink that’s sweet and doesn’t involved uncooked eggs? Cocoa. Drink Cocoa instead. That makes way more sense.

Perhaps you truly love Eggnog. It’s not too late for you, my friend. Consider A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickins, Disney, and/or the Muppets. Honestly, it’s unclear who wrote the story at this point. In this classic tale, Scrooge finds the error in his ways after being forced to change by several aggressive ghosts. Despite being a horrific bastard for years, his sudden change of heart is accepted by everyone. You too can change your ways just as quick, by putting down Eggnog and picking up anything else.

Of course, if you just finished a glass of nog and aren’t feeling well, repentance might not help the stomach pain. Maybe try a pump instead.

If, somehow, you’re still pro Eggnog, ask yourself this. Do you really want to risk salmonella and a hospital trip this year? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you must drink you raw egg mixture, maybe save it for next Christmas.

We’ll close today’s blog with the tragic ending of the farmer that invented Eggnog***** ⁵. After a few rounds of Eggnog, the farmer predictably had a horrible stomach ache, and went to the doctor. The doctor prescribed leeches, and that didn’t work out so well. The farmer, dying from his egg related concoction, did not want to tarnish his legacy. On his death bed, he exclaimed “Twas the fruitcake that killed me!”

Ever since, people have mocked fruitcake, a dessert that’s kind of gross, but harmless, yet continue to drink Eggnog. Remember this the next time you scoff at fruitcake but pour yourself a frosty glass of the Nog. Maybe you’ll have a nice Cocoa instead.

Or a water. Stay hydrated people.

There are no sources citing on the Eggnog Creation story because every ounch of it was made up. But hey, so is the propaganda that Eggnog is a decent drink.

1. I joked several days ago Eggnog would only get a blog if I was struggling. Truthfully, it was always part of the plan, as far as you know.
2. **Or, get to the next level and have a piecaken. That’s a cake with a full pie filling. Delicious. Is there any wonder why every other country thinks all Americans are obese disasters?
3. ***Look at this. A rare educational moment from Bloggin Hood.
4. ****I’m in too big of rant to interrupt it, but that’s a free lesson on how to sneak in a cooking pun.
5. *****Again, this story is made up and has no truth to it.