The Foreman Grill, a Knockout Appliance or a Celebrity George that Actually Works

That’s more shade for you, George RR Martin. Don’t think I didn’t see the articles about Winds of Winter being delayed another year. I’m not even angry, I’m just disappointed.

Ok, fine, I’m completely livid. At this point I expect pigs to fly through the frozen gates of Hell before there’s a positive update on the book series. But we’re not here to talk about how much of a procrastinator George RR Martin is. We’re here to discuss cooking.

As a typical male growing up, I never did any cooking. My parents were happy if I rolled out of bed before noon, and anything else was extra credit. Both of my parents did a ton of cooking, and while I could have learned, a never really sought after it. The good food kept rolling in, so I wasn’t about to break the status quo. This is probably why sometimes there more of Bloggin Hood than there should be, but I won’t be fat shamed on my own site.

Stay the hell away from me you bully

When I did have to fend for myself, most of my food came out of microwave. It wasn’t strictly leftovers. Plenty of my childhood meals were of the crappy, plastic frozen dinner variety. These days, there’s plenty of choices. Have any of you seen the commercials for the “devour” frozen meals? It implies the man who cooks the food is planning on having sex with his chicken dish. Not only is this unsanitary, it could lead to unnecessary burns in very important areas. I don’t think the improvements in frozen cuisine are worth risking the use of my penis. Not to mention, how can a dinner give consent? Don’t follow in this very insensitive commercial’s example, friends.

My frozen meals were not nearly as sexually appealing. Most came out as disgusting slop that I shoveled down because I didn’t know any better. I particularly remember the Hungry Man dinners. These “meals”, likely banned for being sexist today, contained over a pound of food in a singe tray. The container bragged about the amount of unhealthy crap on one non-biodegradable tray. I particularly remember the fried chicken meal which contained two soggy chicken “patties” (I’m going to go with patties), a scoop of mashed potatoes, I’m guessing what they refer to as peas, and some weird apple pie thing that was mostly liquid. Somehow this turned into 2,000 calories. 2,000! I mean, if you’re going to eat bad, it should at least taste good. Not only was I getting fat off of this, it wasn’t even satisfying. Once I figured out that excess calories were bad (at about 27 years old), I cut this out.

Another big cooking method I used was boiling water. This revolutionary technique allowed even the worst of chefs prepare edible food easily. Other than the time I once burnt pasta*¹, this became a staple.  I would get jars of sauce, either from the supermarket or via the Italian restaurants close by, boil up some pasta and eat it. Vodka sauce became a regular part of my diet, which is ironic because I don’t really drink vodka anymore**². The boiling times on pasta shifted my choice. The 10 minutes for ziti became too much for a young Bloggin Hood. I quickly became a fan of angel hair since it only takes three minutes to boil. It was the quickly for me to satisfy the hunger pains of not eating for nearly 90 minutes.

Of course the vast majority of my food was prepared by Mama Bloggin Hood. She was a wizard in the kitchen creating all kind of dishes, and preparing enough for 50 people even though only three were eating. This isn’t a slight as Papa Bloggin Hood, who did most of the cooking during the week. My dad was very capable in the kitchen, though often fell in love with a random ingredient for months. Some of his favorites ranged from stewed tomatoes, chickpeas and mustard. He’d use his new found ingredient for months straight in everything he cooked. Ever have a Lasagna with Stewed tomatoes? It’s not bad. Now, did you ever have a lasagna with chickpeas? I certainly hope not. Needless to say I don’t eat any of those things anymore. Mama Bloggin Hood’s cuisine was more diverse. She could make anything under the sun, and I was eating good as a kid.

Today, Mama Bloggin Hood continues to prepare large quantities of food despite the fact only two people live at home. As Lil Jon and Maid Megan can attest to, the portions sent to me are obscene. Highlights include an entire ham that was prepared on Christmas solely to be taken home (a road ham if you will) and, you guessed it, lasagna. That might sound made up, but one time she went and prepared 3 individual trays for me, Lil Jon and Maid Megan. That’s not a normal act. That is the act of a crazy woman. It’s amazing that I didn’t roll to school every day.

In college, I had to trade the benefits of having freedom in exchange of home cooking. I remember freshman year, I lost 15 pounds in the first two months only from food. Considering the freshman 15 is usually the opposite, that was pretty impressive***³. Food options are extremely limited when in school.

The main option for the first few years at a university is the cafeteria. Most of you know how to feel about that. If you’ve read my scripts (still debating on bringing them back), you know my opinion on the café isn’t that high. There’s always unique items created in school cafes, each worse than the last. I remember sweet and sour meatball being regular items at my school. These weren’t Swedish meatballs, which had their own day, nor meatballs in the sugary Chinese sauce. This was its own entity that somehow failed to taste sweet or sour, but rather like an ashtray. The café also featured hotdogs which remained on a roller for months only eaten by the bravest, or dumbest, students. The green tint should have been a hint, but that never stopped anybody.

The worst food to ever eat in a cafeteria is eggs, for the record. I’m not a huge fan of eggs as it is, but cafeteria eggs are weird. Firstly, they usually come out of a carton, which is meant for milk. One of my proudest rules is to never eat a solid out of a carton****⁴. The eggs never become solid and calling them scrambled is a stretch. Most of the time, these eggs are hidden in other dishes in hopes of getting rid of them. Cafeterias love serving breakfast pizza – aka a poorly prepared quiche. Eating a breakfast pizza is asking to spend the next three days on a porcelain cruise. Don’t be stupid folks, do not eat cafeteria eggs.

Or the damn hot dogs either.

Personally, the café served me well in my college days. If I could survive the Hungry Man dinners, I could handle this. It helped that I picked foods event he café couldn’t screw up. Most of my diet in college included grilled chicken, vegetables, and pasta. Even the heartless chefs in college, who laugh as the students foolishly take spoonfuls of their concoctions, can’t screw these things up. With a different condiment on the chicken each day, I was good for weeks. Of course, this stuff gets tiring after a while.

Another college option was ordering. Usually this lead to Domino’s which was significantly worse quality than the cafeteria. Did you know Domino’s specialty pizzas were inspired by the breakfast pizza?

The other issue with ordering is that most college students don’t have a lot of spending money. Ordering food adds up, and you really don’t have too many options. Let’s be honest, if the average college student has to choose between eating crappy food and drinking, or eating expensive crappy food and not drinking, booze is going to win out every time.

There was also the option to starve. Starving not only saves calories and money, but keeps you fit and thin. However, scientists have determined that food is good for our health. So this option is not recommended for anyone. You need calories to soak up all that alcohol anyway.

Therefore, cooking became more of an option. As I became a senior, the cafeteria wasn’t offered every day and we were given a kitchen. It was either cook or beg for scraps. After a few weeks of scrap eating, I was hungry enough to give true cooking a go. It was a horror show.

In those days, my skills of boiling water were a lifesaver. Angel Hair Pasta in Vodka sauce became my #1 food source. I probably ate that at least once a day. No it probably wasn’t ideal nutrition, but it was cheap and effective. I’d eat a sizable bowl a day, and cover it in the powdered grated cheese. You know the kind that’s basically salt.

The ingredients don’t list milk or cheese. That’s a concern

I also tried to take a page out of the café’s book and make inventive dishes, usually with pasta. When I ran out of sauce, I came up with an award-winning dish – pasta, peas and cheese. It was as creative as it sounds – smother boiled pasta in whatever shredded blend was on hand (I think it was a Mexican blend) and garnish peas liberally. The peas were the twist – I remember peas being in a few fancy dishes so I figured it would enhance the flavor. After one bite, I didn’t need to eat for the rest of the day. It was a dietary success. Weight Watchers, call me for the recipe. Your clients will drop pounds fast.

But all these carbs and borderline vegetables weren’t good for us. Even we knew that we needed some variety beyond what cheap light beer and substandard bottle of booze we’d have on hand*****⁵. Fortunately, all that was fixed thanks to the Foreman Grill, the greatest invention of the 20^th century.

This picture speaks for itself

I’m not sure if I’m kidding about that last statement. The Foreman Grill kept me functioning for about six years. I still don’t really know how to make crap, but thanks to the Foreman, I didn’t have to. It pretty much took out all the effort, and make most things in 10 minutes or less. And, it’s not a scam like those rotisserie products that used to make infomercials on. Set in and forget it my ass.

More like set it right in the trash

George Foreman lent his name to the product, and he probably made more money off of this then he did in his boxing career. I don’t think the former heavyweight champ had any say in the design of it, but he sure has his name all over this thing. This is consistent since he named all of his children George. The man knows what he likes.

The Foreman grill has a simple concept – grill food indoors quickly and efficiently. The product needs to warm up, just like a real grill, and lights up when it’s hot enough to cook. You can add whatever food you want to, close the top and let the food grill up. Because there are grates on both sides, the food cooks twice as fast as a standard one. You’re not required to flip your food over, though I always did just in case. In was so simple, even a caveman could do it.

Well, maybe not that caveman

How about we settle on a college student then?

The biggest benefit was the time. Not only did the meat cook fast, there was no need to run outdoors to make it. Most people enjoy grilled food – it’s healthy, but tastes great. The Foreman wouldn’t taste like a true charcoal grill, but it’s wasn’t bad. You at least got grill marks to trick your brain, and I always believe fooling your brain is the true key to satisfaction. Since the grill was safely in the kitchen, you could easily do other things while it’s cooking. I could get two full games of Smash in before having to take food off. It was a very efficient use of my time.

Secondly, there was no fear in having under-cooked meat. With the design of the Foreman grill, the food was cooking on both sides at once. Even though I always flipped it on both sides, the food was being heated from all angles. It was like a tanning bed for meats, without the fear of skin cancer. This was a Godsend since nobody I knew in college had a clue when chicken was complete. I mean, you could cook a full breast in seconds and not have to worry about salmonella poisoning.

Maybe try minutes and not seconds

The Foreman Grill wasn’t limited to meats either. You could also make vegetables that we would have no idea how to prepare. I used the grill to make Zucchini and Eggplant all the time. Vegetables aren’t everybody’s cup of tea, but when they are grilled? They’re frigging delicious. Not only did this help me start loving vegetables (well, some), I was getting nutrients my daily bowl of pasta couldn’t provide. It was like I was becoming an adult. Or at least adult like, which is the best I could hope for.

Health is actually the main selling point of the Foreman Grill. The design of the dual grates squishes the meat, not just leaving grill marks, but draining the juices out of the food. You would think this would dry out the meat, and sometimes it did, but normally, it just removed the fat. This became a health conscious product. Personally, I don’t know how much I bought into this. Sure, there were juices coming out of it, but fat from meat isn’t that unhealthy. You shouldn’t be eating hundreds of pounds of steak a week, but some fat is required for the body to function. Whether or not the Foreman grill truly removed fat, or just water weight, it was still beneficial.

The Grill was so popular in College that senior year, we didn’t even own other appliances. All we had was a microwave and three Foreman grills, usually all going simultaneously. We weren’t exactly electricity conscious at the time. We did own a frying pan, in addition to the pasta pot, and I think that was used like twice.

Another fun Bloggin Hood cooking story. I once tried to make Salmon in the frying pan, but had no idea how that worked. The pan was not greased, so the smoke of cooked salmon took over the floor. Several people entered the room to complain of the stench and the smell stuck to my clothes for the entire day. However, the fish came out good, so I considered this a victory.

Now, there was a downside to the Foreman Grill, one that really isn’t discussed enough – cleaning it. The Foreman Grill is a bitch and a third to clean. The product was design with cooking meat and vegetables fast and efficiently, but cleaning was an afterthought. Newer models allow for the grates to be removed which makes things much easier, but older models did not have detachable ones, or the grates were so hard to detach, nobody would bother. This becomes an issue since raw chicken and the digestive system do not mix well. If that grill isn’t clean, you’re in for a world of bacteria to invade your body like Osmosis Jones, except without the celebrity voice work.

I never saw the move, but I figured it was worth a reference

After a lot of testing, our best cleaning strategy was to pour water on the grates nearly seconds after the cooking ended. This often created a dangerous puff of smoke that could set off a fire alarm, but since it was mostly steam, rarely did. The excess water was caught in the drain, really just a long open tube, and could overflow with the captured grease if not careful. The next strategy was to take a soapy sponge or Paper Towel and run over each grove in the grill. Finally, another glass of water and a dry paper towel wipe finished the job. This all had to occur within a few moments of cooking completion.

This was dangerous. Hot cookware leads to significant burns, and by cleaning the grill when it’s still at cooking temperature, you run the risk of blackening a hand. The best hope was to double or triple up the paper towels and hope for the best. Remember that paper is flammable, so I promise you this isn’t the suggested way to clean the things, but trust me, this was all we could do. I cooked at least 1,000 meals on the thing, so I have the experience here. Stop questioning someone who outranks you, noob.

Yes, we did use cooking spray liberally. It didn’t help as most of it washed away as the grease/juice began to drain from the chicken. After a few minutes, there was no hope to avoid stickage. Also, no matter how well you scrubbed, it was impossible to get everything. Eventually new meals began to taste like old ones, as caked on remains of past dinners joined current ones. It was like a melting pot.

Somehow that food metaphor didn’t work out. Ah well.

At the time, this merging of meals didn’t bother us too much. We were making the same thing every day anyway. But ultimately, as we got older, we knew this wouldn’t work. Today, I don’t use the Foreman as much anymore.

Most of my meals are now made in the oven. The oven is like a less powerful Foreman Grill that takes much longer to cook meat. However, it also doesn’t need to be cleaned nearly as much, as the extra cook time allows for more games of Smash. If anything, the oven provides more time for entertainment and even less effort in cooking. If the 21-year-old me realized this, the Foreman Grill may never been such a key part of my life.

I’ll never forget the Foreman though. Without George’s license product, I would have been malnourished. Today, I might be an 80 pound stick being bullied on the way to work by high school kids. Fortunately, the Foreman got me the protein I need. In a bind, I could certainly rough of a few high schoolers and take their lunch boxes. I’m not going to, because I’m not a scumbag, but I’m just saying I could.

Take that as a warning, you little snot nosed bastards.

If you know a college student who’s struggling to make meals, or mentions anything about adding peas to a pasta dish, do the right thing. Gift him a Foreman Grill. As the old adage goes – Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a Foreman Grill and he’ll eat a lot of grilled fish and probably burn his fingers in the process. It’s a pretty shitty adage to be honest, but accurate. Not only will the Foreman be used consistently, you’ll quickly become the student’s favorite.

Remember, bribery will get you everywhere, especially in politics. Pass it on.

1. *This isn’t as bad as it seems. When cooking pasta, one stand of angel hair fell toward the burner and caught fire. Panicked, I tried to dip it back into the boiling water. The problem is pasta on fire is slightly warm. I dropped the strand after nearly burning my hand and managed to get it in water before serious damage was done. This incident is still quoted to this day by everyone who knows it. Which I guess includes you now. Damn it.
2. **Why has nobody made a rum based pasta sauce? I mean sure it’ll be disgusting, but you won’t get any of the benefits of drinking so… ok, I guess I answered my own question.
3. ***Don’t worry, those 15 pounds eventually came back with friends.
4. ****My most important rule is to not eat seafood and then drink heavily. Joe’s Crab Shack spits in my face every day they remain open. But the steam pots are pretty good, so whatever.
5. *****Our favorite was Dubra. Dubra costs $5.99 a handle. It came in a plastic bottle and was distilled in Clifton NJ. They don’t make Dubra anymore, soon after we graduated in 2009. I wonder if the two things are related (They are).