Resumes – Society’s Free Pass or There’s No Shame in Lying Unless You Get Caught

In many ways, job hunting is an insulting, humiliating experience. First, you have to spend hours searching through brutal positions that often involve a call center or “commission based incentives”. These phrases are office code for “run for the door”. In the off-chance you find a position that looks decent, you’ll be judged cruelly based on a single sheet of paper that summarizes who you are and all of your accomplishments. It must be a lovely feeling to have to cram decades of experiences into an 11 by 8.5 inch document.

Assuming this snippet of your entire existence is deemed passable, you’ll be allowed to undergo hours of interrogation in a poorly lit room known as an interview. It sounds like a criminal examination, but this isn’t the case – most policy investigations are more humane. Interviews are conducted by a high-ranking employee, often a manager or vice president, who are so far out of touch of the day-to-day operations, they will ask basic questions that belittle you, then judge if you show any sort of emotion other than confidence.

Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Joe Candidate: Umm, I guess at times I can get stressed

Interviewer: So, you can’t handle even the slightest bit of pressure. That’s an issue.

Joe Candidate: That’s not what I…

Interviewer: Question 86, if you could only save a kitten or a puppy, which would it be?

Joe Candidate: Umm…

Interviewer: 3 seconds or else they both burn!

Needless to say, it’s not a very enjoyable experience. However, we skipped ahead of the one part of applying for employment that is enjoyable – the resume. Now, I know what you might be thinking – How in the world is the writer of this article so attractive? Honestly, it’s a difficult question to answer. I like to think it’s a combination of good genetics, discipline, and a low resolution picture that hides the glaring flaws in my appearance with a blurry coat of mystery.

You also might be wondering how I can clam preparing a resume is remotely enjoyable. That would make more sense. It’s more relevant to the topic at hand.

Resume writing can be an enjoyable experience because you have total control on how you appear to your potential employers. That 11 by 8.5 page won’t be able to tell the whole story about you. It won’t be close in fact. And this is your greatest ally to employment. You can tell the story that you want employers to know. Now, am I saying you can outright lie on your résumé? I’m not NOT saying that*¹.What I’m saying is you tell the tale that makes you into the best version possible for the job in question.

Remember, the 5^th amendment exists so you don’t have to incriminate yourself. Similarly, your resume is protected by this wonderful amendment so that you don’t have to say exactly what you’ve done in your career. Omission is not a lie, ladies and gentlemen, and that’s the key to the résumé process**².

If this simple concept still isn’t getting through to you, you’ll likely thick-headed, and probably unfit to have an e-mail address, yet alone work. This makes you the perfect candidate for the following techniques. I will discuss the main sections of a resume briefly***³,then provide helpful tips for even the densest of readers.

If you somehow thought that was a fat joke, please keep reading. You really need the help.

Section 1 – Name and Contact Info

Now, this might sound crazy, but what you’ll want to do here is actually provide your real name and contact information. I know, you might not be used to this. For those of you who are huge fans of committing fraud, this will seem backwards, but remember this is the rare situation where you want a call back. If you need help spelling your name, you can find the proper spelling on your license, Credit cards, and outstanding court summons.

You will also need an address or phone number. Again, scammers will need to avoid putting fake information here, as the goal is to have employers contact you back. You’ll likely want to provide your cell phone – yes, those things can receive calls in addition to texting. As for the address, it’s unlikely your potential employee will appear at your door step, but try to use a real address instead of something like your mother’s basement, or staring into the window of the hot girl down the street. Yes, honestly is the best policy.

For this section. Honesty is good for this section. Don’t worry, the lying is coming shortly.

Section 2 – Objectives

This is where you want to list your goal for your career. You give a brief description of what you’ve done, and where you excel at. This should not be more than two sentences. After all, you’ll need the room to exaggerate your accomplishments so you sound competent.

Let’s say you worked as a call center rep for three years at Wacky Wizards Toy Company (patent pending). Here’s an example of a good objective

Dedicated retail representative with two years of experience at Wacky Wizards Toy Company. Excels in communication, problem solving and efficiency.

You see. That’s an opening that will make a boss say “I don’t even care that he wrote this in red crayon. This is great!” You may be thinking it’s the skills that got you this rave review, but that would be wrong. Everybody knows work doesn’t provide skills – it slowly erodes them. I mean, nobody actually solves problems in retail; the rep gets yelled out and insulted repeatedly until upper management agrees to make a “one time exceptions” for the 15^th time pre-lunch. What this, and any good objective tells your potential employer is that you’re willing to lie to get a paycheck. Consider this section a wink to your future boss. You know the game, and you’re willing to play it, as long as the money is right.

A bad example of the objective for the same individual would be the following:

Answers the same goddamn calls for two years about cheap, sweatshop made toys. Nobody cares about your spoiled shit ugly children. Get me out of here quick before I drive off the bridge.

Did you see the issue with that objective? I’ll give you a moment to pick out the flaw.

You got it. It was 3 sentences long! That’s a terrible technique. Employees will be yawning by the time that get to your education section that you lied on. Also, maybe hold back a little bit of the truth. Instead of saying “Shit ugly children”, just say children. How crappy the children are is heavily implied because you’re in retail. Context clues are your friend here.

Section 3 – Experience

Here is where you can stick it to the awful jobs that paid you money to half ass your work for years. The experience is the most important section of your resume, as you’ll be telling the employers what you’ve been doing for the past decade or so of your life. You’ll want to indicate the company name, your title, a date range of when you worked, and then a high level list of your functions, using action verbs to convey your contributions. Now, most of us have gone on YouTube for seven of our eight hour work day, but we don’t want to put that. Instead, we’ll use this experience and sugar coat it to sound like you’re qualified for a real job. I know, it’s crazy, but it works. How else do you think I got this position writing a blog****⁴?

Firstly, the date range cannot be manipulated.  If you say you worked at a company for three years, but it’s revealed you’ve been in prison for two of them, there’s going to be issues. And not just the dropping the soap variety of issues.  Try to list your ranges in months and years as opposed to specific days. If there are gaps in between jobs, hopefully you’ve prepared an excuse. If you sat on your ass watching kung fu videos while collecting unemployment, add to the interest sections that you “Took time off for education and immersing yourself in your passion”. This not only justified being a bum, but it gives the impression you’re interesting. It’s win-win.

I recommend going back seven years for your job history. You don’t want to go too far back, as you might not remember exactly what you did. Granted, this will likely work in your favor, as you can fabricate a job with your vague recollections. However, in an interview scenario, you’ll have to be quick on your feet to avoid being inconsistent in your answers. Employers don’t care that you lie; they care that your lies are consistent. Again, if you have large gaps in your résumé, start piecing together an interesting story. Hey, you could say you worked on a novel. Hopefully your résumé isn’t littered with typos.

Finally, your list of responsibilities will be the key to your chances of employment. In an interview, you will be quizzed on your former and current tasks. The goal is to twist whatever meaningless, soul sucking BS you did into an incredibly fulfilling experience. The résumé should be written in a way that employers won’t understand that the company functioned without your help. Using our Wacky Wizards Toy Company example, let’s say how Joe Candidate should fill out his résumé. We’ll assume his job was getting screamed at by angry parents who brought the companies defected, lead paint based toys.

 

Wacky Wizards Toy Company                                                                                                        March 2014- Present

 Call Center Representative

Answered calls from customers and retailers

Handled complaint calls with empathy and urgency

Reviewed legal documentation pertaining to our industry

Never punched a client without being provoked

 

This sample resume is an 8/10. Firstly, you need to jazz up that title. Perhaps state you’re a Customer Consultant, or even better, a Service Maven. Next, you don’t want to indicate that you’ve punched a client – that’s the type of misdemeanor that might cap your growth potential to the mail room. Instead focus on being a fighter, but for the client. “Seek solutions to customer problems that satisfy both parties” is a great compromise. Technically, it’s not a lie – you were satisfied to punch the jerk, and the client had a nice long nap. Learning how to handle these issues is key.

Now, let’s look at a bad example of a resume at the same company and position.

 

Wacky Wizards Toy Company                                                                                                         March 7^th 2014- July 3^rd 2017

Office Bitch

Regularly insulted by worthless, dickbag clients.

Forced to work through lunch five times a week.

Paid less than a mediocre corner whore

Quit job because being homeless is better than answering another damn call

 

This resume won’t do. You want to limit your cursing to once a section, so the three swears won’t play well. Personally, I’d keep in dickbag and change the rest. The term Office Bitch is demeaning. I recommend using more gender neutral terms, such as Office Lackey or Office Servant. Finally, indicating the exact dates on employment are asking for trouble. As an HR representative, I would have removed your resume from contention for such a grievous error.

 

Section 4 – Education

Back in the good old days, you could make up any credentials you wanted, and there was no way to fact check. People went around with DR and ESQ titles just because they liked to sound of it. Problems occurred when the surgeon of a hospital had to reveal minutes before transplant that he had never held a scalpel before. Perhaps “good old days” was the wrong terminology.

With the rise of the internet, confirming one’s education has never been easier. This is not a place you want to exaggerate. However, the dirty secret is that this section really doesn’t matter. As long as you have the required education for the position, you’ll be fine. Things like GPA and Honors aren’t looked at intently, but should be played based on your performance. If you did great in school, make sure those numbers are bold and centered. Employers will look at bold text first before reading the other info. They might fall in love with you as a candidate before they read your address is a state penitentiary. If you spent your school years with a hangover and warning letters from the dean, put your GPA in the smallest font possible. It’s certainly on the form, but it’s not prevalent. After all, what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

If you do not have the required education for a job, don’t fret. Indicate that you are currently studying to receive the certification. A lot of companies like this initiative, and will lower the credentials needed. Now, if you briefly glanced at an ad telling you to apply for your GED, technically, that is studying for your education. If you get hired, many companies will pay for classes, some will even pay 100% of your tuition. You can use this to get your GED or degree, and then apply for a much better job. It’s the perfect crime!

 

Section 5 – Additional Skills

Here’s where you put all the skills that make you unique. Since nobody actually has unique skills, you’ll be listing that you’re proficient in Microsoft Office applications. Do not lie and say you know how to use Access or One Note. Employers will sniff out your clear lie instantaneously, and then they might not buy that you’re really a Service Maven. That’s not good for anyone.

If there is a specific system required for the job, perhaps QuickBooks or something of that ilk, make sure to say you’re fully trained on it. Odds are, you have never even seen the software, but any company worth its salt will train you on exactly what you need to do. Assuming you’re of moderate intelligence, you can figure out the basics of any system while you learn the job. And if you aren’t of moderate intelligence, maybe load up on salt packages in the cafeteria. You’ll need them.

 

Section 6 – Awards, honors and filler.

As resumes should be one full-page, any white space is a sign of weakness. If you can’t fill in the rest of your résumé with actual content, and your conscious hurts from the lies, fill in the gaps with any awards you may have won. Being in an honors society at your university is a legit accomplishment. However, if you’re only honor roll was back in 2^nd grade spelling, throw it on if you need to fill space. Maybe you got a participation ribbon for 6-year-old soccer? Well, let the world know. It shows you played sports and didn’t actively kick people in the shins*****⁵. Fill this section with vague, but intriguing honors, and you’ll have an office with its own bathroom in no time.

People struggle with resumes, but if you follow the above tip, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about struggling through any interviews.

See, again, that line wasn’t a lie. It’s all how you word things.

In a future post, we will cover interviews, but I have a feeling we’ll have a good amount of buffer time before we need to worry about that.

 

1. *The double negative is a powerful tool to consider on your resume.
2. **Omission of facts is, in fact a lie, and certainly can be a crime. But I mean, that’s really semantics because everybody does it. You want to fit it, don’t you?
3. ***We both know I don’t know the definition of briefly.
4. ****By opening a web site and writing a whole bunch of articles, mostly.
5. *****Remember, the ribbon was received at age 6. By 13, you might have just kicked every opponent in the nads. It doesn’t matter. This is why you need to be selectively specific on resumes.