Office Meetings -The Corporate Way to Waste Time or Not Even God Can Save You Now

One of an office’s biggest concern is productivity. All companies want their employees to produce as efficiently as possible, while paying them the exact minimum they can without encouraging them to leave. Unfortunately, productivity is not always easy to gauge. Metrics are often put in place to calculate productivity, but these are easily manipulated once a loophole is found, which happens within the hour into any metric system being introduced.  Micromanaging employees to make sure they are constantly working often backfires. Most employees are not going to react well knowing that they are mere cogs to the business. Of course, most employees do know that they are nothing but cogs at best. Sometimes they’re a brief list of numbers that are expected to do work for a meager pay check. Still, the typical employees would rather assume this, and not have their fears confirmed. Bosses, try not calling your direct reports Coggy Coggerson or #2745 when you see them.

For management, the well-being of the employees is at the bottom of the concern list. Sure, they don’t want to enrage their employees to the point of a mutiny, nor do they want everyone quitting. If it was allowed, I’m sure most companies would chain their workforce to their desks, give them a piss bucket and sugar water, and make an example of anyone who questioned the treatment. The goal is to keep morale to a level just high enough where nobody realizes how miserable they are, but avoid any workers actually feeling happy. It’s quite a difficult line to toe. Most companies err to the side of misery, but offer free coffee and donuts to dull the staff’s common sense. It’s extremely effective.

If anybody reading this is not in the work force yet, please enjoy your sanity while you can. Appreciate the lazy nights and not having project deadlines. I know you probably hate homework, but you don’t hate your life yet, and that’s the best you can hope for in the future.¹.*

One of the biggest obstacles companies have for productivity in the internet. There’s few ways to completely block internet access. Most jobs require the web for basic and essential functions. Naturally, employees take advantage of the free internet whenever they can. Plenty of people handle all of their shopping on-line during office hours, and even have the packages delivered to work without shame. Others waste their time on YouTube, watching Logan Paul try to justify his existence (good luck) or watch cats cram themselves into boxes and bottles. For some employees, watching these cats is way less damaging than any attempt of actually doing work.

I will now provide an example of one such employee. I used to work with a guy who came in early for “overtime”. He didn’t do any work during this time, though to be fair, he didn’t do much work during the standard hours either. Instead he would sit with his feet up and read the paper, or browse on the internet. And by browse the internet, I mean look at porn in the office. He was caught by several co-workers, and his defense was he was unaware it was against company policy. That’s a strong argument. Companies don’t list that murder is against the rules either, so I guess I need to bring in a suit of armor for Tuesday.

Not only was he not fired, he was later promoted twice. He didn’t do a lick of work, so my assumption is he watched a video that featured the CEO and forwarded to all the executives. We’ll refer to this fine gentleman as PJ going forward**².

Even if the internet wasn’t available, workers would find a way to minimize their effort to survive each day. Few people are capable of being productive for three straight hours, let alone the standard eight. Employees need breaks to avoid becoming mindless zombies incapable of rational thought outside of work. This of course is the exact type of being your bosses hope you’ll become.

Bosses struggle with this basic human need. With the status they have, it’s unlikely they’ve done real work in years. Honestly, the reason the internet is usually available for employees like PJ is the managers would have nothing to do all day without out. If you think about the typical manager’s role, production is not anywhere near the list. They assign work to others, review people’s performance through vague qualifications, and determine the salaries their staff earns. Do you see anything about rolling up their sleeves and getting work done? No, not when there’s a great cat video out there. Or maybe worse. I’m not sure what goes on behind a boss’s close doors, but I’m sure PJ could shed some light on it. And hopefully not a black light.

Unfortunately for middle management , they have bosses to answer to as well. When things are running smoothly, middle management is left to their own devises, far away from the real work where they belong. When things aren’t running so smoothly, the top execs want answers. Since your average boss couldn’t tell the difference between productive and procreation, something needs to happen to cover up this lack of knowledge. To pretend they know whats going on, bosses will call meetings with their staff. Truthfully, this will be less productive than a three-hour Amazon shopping binge.

Does everyone remember how a group project worked in college or high school? If not, let me paint the picture for you. A group project is when you were forced to work with several other classmates you disliked  to write a paper or give a presentation. In theory, the project can be divided equally among all members and then put together. This should be an efficient, productive process which not only gives everyone a voice in a bigger project, it also teaches life lessons – mainly organization, compromises and teamwork. This should be the most rewarding thing you do in your school years, other than getting to second base for the first time. We’re not here to talk about boob squeezes though. We’re saving that for a later entry***³.

Of course, everybody who has worked on a group project knows the disaster these always were. At least one of your assigned group members has no idea how to construct a sentence. Another who promised to handle a large chunk of the workload will make a last minute excuse and fall to contribute a thing. The last member will think they are the smartest member of the group, and will demand full control, even though they are as inept as the illiterate. Ultimately, you will have to lead the project, even though you really just want to handle the 25% that you should be doing. You’ll end up working working four times as hard as if this was an individual assignment. The worst part of all this is whatever grade you get on the project, the illiterate, the no show and the conceited asshole get the same grade as you. It’s enough to purposes try to fail the course and take them out with you. At least that way, you’ve feel like you accomplished a goal.

Picture all the worst parts of group projects, and that’s the best case scenario of meetings. In most offices, work is done as an individual level. Sure, you may be part of a team, and everyone might handle a different cog on the assembly line, but ultimately, you’re responsible for your work. We all know that co-workers do not pull their own weight, but they usually produce just enough that your job is not affected. As long as you handle what’s on your plate, and maybe prod a few lazy co-workers into refreshing their e-mail at least twice a day, you don’t have to worry about the atrocious production your peers produce.

Now, at the team meeting, not only are you face to face with the idiots that make your life a living hell, but the bosses who fling you into a deeper level of torment. Usually, office meetings can only end poorly for the good employee. Now, I know the vast majority of you are reading this article during work hours, likely while taking an extended break on the porcelain cruise****⁴.  I’m going to make a huge, regretful assumption, and pretend you, dear reader, are a good employee. You could have read the PJ paragraph and thought “What’s the big deal? I film my own porn in the office.” If so maybe this isn’t the entry for you. For those who understand the office isn’t a physical amusement park, I’ll explain how meetings will always backfire on you.

Before we get to the nitty gritty, I’d like to have a quick aside.

No it probably won’t be that quick. Like you have any right to complain. You’re suppose to be working right now anyway.

When I was in high school, I used to like reading Dilbert. I don’t think I really understood all of the office concepts at the time, but I thought the Dog who ripped everybody off was entertaining. Every time a new series of strips came out, the concept seemed more and more absurd.

The comic creator, Scott Adams wrote a book that I brought, figuring it would be about how he created all of the wacky scenarios in his concepts. In the book, he says pretty plainly that eevrythign was based on fact and then exaggerated, but not as far as everyone would think. I remember reading this at the time and thinking “huh” and just moving on. At the time, I just wanted to figure out as many ways to write funny things as I could. Instead, I should have been very, VERY concerned about the future.

Dilbert in many ways predicted my future. Wally was always one of the two or three best Dilbert characters. He goes out of his way to do absolutely no work, and outside of the HR department torturing him, he gets away with everything. There’s no punishment for his laziness. This is great for comic strips, but you know what it’s not great for? The work force. There’s so many Wally’s in real life, it’s scary. In my department, there’s at least four, including two in management. The no repercussion thing is really bad when everybody around me is sitting on their hands or ordering another electronic they got from their bonus check. Again, really should have paid attention to this when I was sixteen, but I figured I’d be writing for a living. At least I’m close to my dreams.

I’m… I’ not close at all.

Similarly, Dilbert corrected spelled out meetings in ways I couldn’t imagine as a teen. They are the worst, most horrible things you can experience in a given day short of “Mandatory overtime”. ‘ll be scattering some relevant strips here. I’d add that I didn’t actually create the strips, but I think since there’s talent involved in making them, there shouldn’t be any confusion.

We know the real reason meetings are called (ass covering), but typically meetings will fall in three categories.

1). Everybody sucks – This is the meeting a team will have when numbers are down. It could be because productivity is down, or the company as a whole is failing. Whatever it is, the entire team will be blamed for the issue exclusively, even if your team has no effect on the matter. For instance, if sales are down, and you work in Human Resources, you’d think this shouldn’t be your problem, but you’d be incredibly wrong.

At these meetings, the first few minutes will start with mild, fake pleasantries. The boss will ask how people are doing, but he or she doesn’t care. The boss will then proceed to berate everyone’s poor effort and demand people perform better. The floor will be opened for suggestions on how to do this, which is a clear trap. Several of the more limited employees will provide ignorant, baseless suggestions. Some of these will be cliché ridden, and others won’t make any sense. Still, the goal the employees have is protecting themselves – if they speak, they aren’t part of the problem. Here’s a few examples:

“We should try to complete more work in less time. That would improve things.”

“Why don’t we outsource more work to other teams? We’ll get a higher percentage of work done that way.”

“Have we tried resetting our computers? That might be the problem”

Ultimately all the comments will be rephrased by the boss, and claimed as his or her own idea. Then, assignments will be handled out. All of the employees who are not pulling their weight will receive less work. The good employees will pick up their slack by being assigned their normal workload, plus new tasks. That’s right, you, the good employee, will suffer for something that has nothing to do with you. If you ever see a meeting notice about productivity issues, start cleaning up your resume.

2). “Status” – These meetings are to give an update on the status on really anything. It could be for a project, a new employee, and even just how the day-to-day work is going. This is the biggest filler meeting you could have and shows the boss has absolutely nothing going on. These meetings could be handled over a simple e-mail thread with a single question, and a single response. That would take all of five minutes. Instead, prepare to lose an hour (minimum) you could have spent completing the work you’re meeting about.

The worst part about these meetings is more people than needed will be in attendance. It will never be you and your boss. You’ll always have other managers and co-workers, whether or not they are involved in the project or assignment. This will lead to questions about the task that everybody with basis knowledge would understand. In fact, that hour time frame was probably too conservative. If you see a Status meeting notification, expect to work through lunch.

Oh, don’t forget, this is also where your task has a previously undiscussed component added. Usually, this would have been incredibly simple if it was disclosed, but now will double, or possibly triple your work. Bosses love to hold back information. It gives them the feeling of being important, which is essential since they don’t know how to do the work themselves. This will make you loathed the boss and your job, but let’s be honest, you already do.

3). Have Cake – This is a miscellaneous category. Using any sort of accomplishment as an excuse (Promotions, last day, “Bill showed up every day this week!”), people gather to eat cake. Nobody, especially not the boss, gives an iota of a shit about the celebration. They just want to eat a bunch of pretty crappy store-bought cake and not get the side eye from people walking by their office. They can also expense their dessert purchase, which is even better than a tax write-off.

This is the opportunity for the boss to show that he or she is a caring leader. Any sort of food item will make the average employee happy, and the sugar rush might improve the performance of the lazy employees for about 18 minutes. This increased motivation could backfire as lazy employees struggle to find the power button on their electric devises. You don’t want rusty employees cutting checks, crunching numbers, or interacting with other humans. By serving cake, the boss can tell their own bosses that morale is high, employees are happy and he or she is fit to lead. All of this is a clear lie, but the higher you go up the corporate ladder, the less likely bullshit can be detected.

Unfortunately, these aren’t the only issues at meetings. No matter the reason, there will be certain issues that will rear its ugly head at any time.

Dumb Questions – There is an adage that states there is no such thing as a dumb question. Whoever invented this adage was never in an office meeting.

The weaker employees will have no clue what’s being discussed at these meetings, even if it’s a 1-1 discussion about what they do. Almost immediately they will feel lost in discussions about terms they should have understood by lunch time on their first day. To compensate for their ineptness, these employees will ask the most basic questions to the proceedings. This makes them look like they are curious and involved. It should reveal that they aren’t, and move them one step closer to being fired. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Bosses love participation in meetings because if means they don’t have to do nearly as much talking. In addition, they often have the same question, and now they’ll get an answer without having to ask. If anything, this will boost their opinion of whoever asked the question. Try not to bash your head against the desk too hard when this happens; the rest of the group might mistake it for applause.

Lies – I’m sure you can see how the lies would fit. The employees who are causing the issues will come up with excuses as to why they aren’t at fault. If the issue is production, weak employees will blame the lack of training and/or how their hard work doesn’t translate to raw production. If they need to give a status update and haven’t worked on anything, they will cite a lack of resources. They will even blame their lack on productivity from not getting the corner piece of the cake.

Mostly, expect the blame game to be played. Which leads us into our next point.

Accusations – Most meetings, even well intended ones, devolve into this. Using the weakest employee, whether it’s from a production standpoint or being an inept human being, will blame another person who their poor work. Sometimes this is done vaguely, usually because they don’t actually have someone to blame. Other times, names are used. It’s pretty much like firing a semi automatic at somebody from three feet away. People will do anything to deflect blame on even the most minute of issues. Instead of stopping the blame game from spreading, bosses allow it to continue. They will use this information when raises are being decided to keep totals down, and collect a bigger bonus for themselves.

Remember that no matter what happens in a meeting, morale will dissipate. By the end of the typical meeting, most employees will be furious at each other. Tensions will raise to an all time high, and while fist fights are rare, with a few well placed chants, you can encourage a few to start. If you have to sit through a meeting, you might as well be entertained.

Accomplishments – Trust me, ou won’t have to worry about these.

Today we’ve learned that office meetings are nothing more than well disguised grip fests that protect the boss from looking uninterested in his team. Sure, he or she might call three people by the wrong name, but in his name, at least he’s using a name and not “underling or “paid servant”.  By the end of a typical meeting, people will be more confused by what their role is, and the good employees will have more work than they can handle. On the plus, there’s usually some sort of sugar coated fried food, so at least you can get fatter while you sit in an uncomfortable chair and wish you choked on your coffee. At least you can guarantee you’ll always have another meeting to go to. No, that’s not a positive thing.

Whenever possible, try to decline meeting invites. If any meetings are optional, do not, under any circumstances go. This is a trap to see how essential you are to the office flow. By attending an optional meeting, you’re volunteering to any higher ups that you are a non-essential employee. Instead, forward these meetings to co-workers you don’t like. If you have to suffer through a crappy job, you might as well like the people you work with.

Finally, if you are a boss, use meetings sparingly. All you’re doing in wasting the time of good employees. Instead, learn how to look busy when the higher-ups walk into your office. Typically, all it requires is an Excel spreadsheet with various numbers on it, and some well timed clicks. Trust me, it’s worked for me over the years. When they leave, you can go back on the internet and waste time like always.

Just please, leave the safe search on.

1. *That or inheritance. Always root for inheritance.
2. **If you get the PJ references, you’re welcome for focusing on my long time readers.
3. ***The title would mess up PJ’s early morning searches.
4. ****That’s a pooping reference if you were unaware.