The Joys of March Madness or Why a Toilet Should be Built into your Couch.

No, it’s not gross. See, you’re thinking narrow-minded. All you need to do is make the end seat the toilet, and add a privacy curtain. There you go. I mean, nobody has a problem peeing in a public stall next to another person when they are separated by a mini wall. A curtain is real privacy.

I suppose there is a problem with hygiene. Eh, forget it. Let’s keep the bathroom where it is.

I have a hot take for you all. It’s fresh, steaming right from the oven*¹.College Basketball isn’t any good. How’s that for you, 24 hour sports channels? #embracedebate

This would be easy to say if I didn’t enjoy basketball, but if you’ve been following along at home, you know it’s my favorite sport. It’s just that the skill level is so diminished from the pros, a product readily available at the same time as college, it’s difficult to enjoy the inferior game. College Football and the NFL are different enough that I can see people watching both. Also, college football dominates Saturday, allowing football fanatics to have full weekends devoted to nothing but pigskin and pissed off wives. For basketball, there’s games every day. By choosing college, you’re either willingly watching to scout a prospect, are a huge fan of the team, or are trying to be a hipster. Do you want to be a hipster? Of course not.

And on the dawn of the one time during the year where College Basketball reigns over all sports, here’s a few reasons while it sucks.

1). The plays –  A novice basketball watcher may not notice the plays teams run, and to be honest, most of the time, I don’t either, but most possessions involve some sort of play call. In the NBA these are often complex, branching option plays where if called five times in a row, five different things will happen. It keeps the team’s options open and is far from robotic.

In college, plays get called, but most teams run the same damn thing. And no, it’s not really a play, but more of a way to hold the ball until the end of the shot clock. Three players will stand at the top of the key and pass back and forward, running the three-man weave while the defense has to cover each pass. This will occur for 25 seconds until the real play will happen. This will lead to one of three possibilities – a forced three pointer, a bad drive bailed out by a ref or a turnover. There’s really only about six possessions in a college basketball game that aren’t the sports equivalent of a car wreck.

But no, they show more passion so it’s better than the NBA.

2). Post Up – While the big man’s role in basketball has changed at the highest level, it’s been made obsolete in college. The post-game is treated like leprosy. Even trying to throw an entry pass is next to impossible as defenses are allowed to cheat and clobber anyone taller than 6’8”. If, by a miracle or act of God, a post player catches a pass in good position, he is allowed to be maimed at least once by the defense. Two maiming usually results in a foul, through it’s always non shooting. Teams who revolve around big men tend to struggle in the tournament because refs hate them. My assumption is that refs were all short and mocked as kids. Thus, they take their revenge on tall people, laughing gleefully as they call a charge when a center is stabbed be three guards. Speaking of refs…

3). Refs control the game – Sure, you can argue that this is possible in all sports, but in college basketball, they have an adverse effect on nearly every game. Fouls seems to increase threefold in the NCAA Tournament, where every player is in foul trouble. If you’re a center and you block a shot clean, be glad they don’t call it a technical. Seriously, watch a college basketball game, and I mean, actually watch it, as opposed to having it on while you’re on your phone. You’ll be disgusted by at least ten calls.

Where refs really control the games are how the treat slashers different from a big man. Normally, the paint is considering international waters – anything goes against a good post player. However, if you dribble into the post from a wing, it’s like having the red jersey on at practice. Any slight touch is a foul on the defense. Also, these players will get continuations. They can take two steps, stop to tie their shows, then shoot, and it’ll still be a “in the act of shooting”. As a former grade school player who never got a foul call to save his life, it’s offensive.

4). The three point line is like six feet away from the basket – Ok, long title, but the point is there. The three-point line is way too close. It’s practically a free throw. I mean, Michael Jordan could have dunked from there. If we consider his stretchy limbs from Space Jam, he would average 700 points per game as a College Freshman these days.

I shouldn’t have bet the Monstars Money Line…

Because the line is too short, games devolve into a bad shooting contest. Yes, there are plenty of threes shot in the NBA, but it’s a result of running plays and finding open space. In college, people re just chucking up bricks at an alarming rate. It’s a shock the backboard doesn’t break more often.

Your typical college basketball game consisting of infuriating ref calls, low percentage shots and the three-man weave. If I wanted to watch bad basketball I would have watched a middle school practice. It’s ugly, ugly sport run by the most corrupt organization this side of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

It’s now I’d like to remind you that nothing is more exciting than the upcoming four days of basketball. March Madness is the best sporting event, even beyond the super bowl, because it’s not just one game and a whole lot of coverage. It’s 63 games and a whole lot of coverage. Tomorrow and Friday, there will be 32 games of basketball played, and each game is do or die. A single loss eliminates you from the tournament, whether you were 3-30, or undefeated. There’s problems with this format. It means the best team often doesn’t win. It also means a poor couple of minutes could eliminate a title contender. But when you have no rooting interest toward the participants, and outside of gamblers, who does, it’s amazing drama.

March Madness brings up to four games at once, spread across four channels. While paupers flip back in forward as if we live in the Stone Age, true visionaries use four screens and watch all the games at once. The correct way to enjoy March Madness is via sensory overload. At no point should you focus on just one game, unless it’s in the last two minutes. Instead, you need to constantly switch from each screen, barely focusing on one possession at a time. If you’re not suffering from significant neck pain by the end of the first night, you did a terrible job.

Of course, no March Madness is complete without the brackets. The brackets are your chance to guess the results of the 63 games. ESPN even runs a pool where if you guess every game right, you win a million dollars. Guess who’s never had to pay that out? Nobody has any clue on 62 of the 68 teams in the field. Even the top 1% of college basketball fans haven’t seen 25 or so teams play for even a minute. Hell, you might question if a few of these are even colleges. It’s more likely for someone to be struck by lightning while on a date with a supermodel at the center of the sun then it is get all the games right.

What the bracket does provide, other than the shame of being a moron, is gambling. Who doesn’t enjoy gambling? You’re not limited to just putting money in on a bracket pool, which you’ve likely entered illegally at your office. You can bet on nearly every game. You can bet on halftime lines and over unders and margin of victories. You can bet on the winner of the entire tournament, or how many wins a conference will get. You can even bet on how long the cameraman will awkwardly point at a girl in the crowd**². Ok, maybe not that last thing, but that’s fine. You’d likely be in horrible debt by that point anyway.

The tournament is famous for it’s upset and buzzer beaters. The lose and you’re out format allows for some crazy things to happen. Schools with seemingly no chance can get hot at the right time and take down a juggernaut. While we’ve yet to see a 16 seed beat a one seed, we’ve seen pretty much everything else. The amount of insane endings in the tournament cannot be understated. There’s so much drama, even when you have no connection to the team, you get sucked in and caught in the moment. I can’t quite describe it. It’s truly incredible, despite the fact that they’re missing by fourteen feet a jump shot.

But we’re not here to talk about these minor details. We’re here to talk about the true traditions of the NCAA Tournament. The ones that stay dear to our hearts.

Awful Reveal Show – Every Sunday before the Madness Starts, CBS and ESPN have dueling reveal shows where the bracket is slowly, painfully released. Now, CBS has the rights to the bracket as they own the coverage of the games. ESPN can’t show any part of the bracket until CBS does. This year, CBS trolled as hard as possible, announcing all the teams in the field at six, but not revealing the bracket until seven. It was just to taunt ESPN. If it wasn’t so painful, I would have applauded.

CBS will discuss one section of the bracket at a time, so ESPN can’t go crazy on their coverage. Business wise, it makes a lot of sense. What sucks for these shows is the bracket goes up online almost instantly. You can get all the information that the two-hour shows will give, without having to deal with the talking heads. Why are we watching these shows again?

The selection committee loves to favor the large conferences over the mid major, and this has never changed despite every year the NCAA announces they consider the Mid Majors strongly. Then how the hell does the 8^th place team in a conference get in over a 28-5 team that gets upset in their conference tournament? Even the seeding a joke. Of course the #1 seeds will win – they get to play team considering of seven small children. The mid majors get a 12 seed and forced to play Arizona, Kentucky, or Louisville.

Actually, maybe not. By the time I write this though school may no longer exist in the eyes of the NCAA.

Even writing the above paragraph got me mad, and I haven’t watched a second of college basketball. Everyone has strong opinions about college sports teams this time of the year. It makes zero sense. On Sunday, we didn’t even know that Wichita State’s mascot was the Shockers. We laugh and make the same perverted jokes we did in high school. By Thursday, we either berate people who don’t have the Shockers getting upset***³, or mock people who have them losing in the first round. Remember, nobody knows anything about any of these teams, especially CBS and ESPN.

Play in Games –  This is the dumbest addition since the NFL decided to add a Thursday night game. Nobody watches these games. I’m writing this blog now, and I didn’t even consider watching the games. The only people who can possible care are alumni, boosters and gamblers. The only reason play in games exist is because colleges were pissed they were the 65^th team in the field of 64. Now, four at large teams enter the tournament that clearly shouldn’t be in, often losing by double digits in the first round, while teams that earned their way to the field must play on Tuesday in front of half caring jackasses. The field of 64 works so much better. The decisions to leave teams out are supposed to be hard. Why don’t we give everyone a damn participation trophy while we’re at it.

You know what the worst part about this expanded field is? The 69^th team is just going to complain about being left out. Well, maybe not he 69^th team as they’re probably busy with other, less family friendly activates. But you know the 70^th team will complain. When will the expansion stop? As long as it’s profitable, never. Hell they might even let deserving mid majors in the field if they make it 128 teams.

Finding Tru TV – Does anybody know where this channel is? Do the cable providers? Tru TV is typically comprised on the Impractical Jokers, and then literally nothing else. It could be the Red Zone, where it’s just static and motivational music until the Jokers return for another performance. However, during the tournament, millions need to flock to the channel, even though they always get the worst games of the CBS family. If you even need to guess which channel has play in games on, then you haven’t been paying attention.

I imagine the cable company must get thousands of calls this week asking about Tru TV. “Do I have it?” “I’ll pay anything!” Stuff of that nature. You have to think the companies train their staff on where Tru TV is located. Maybe it’s even part of a recording when they experience higher than normal call volume this week. There’s a way to give some of the staff a well deserved break – take away 95% of the calls. Of course, those are the easy ones phone reps love. Without the Tru TV question, they’ll get screamed at because a women in Albuquerque doesn’t know how to plug in her cable box. Remember everyone, be nice to call center reps. It’s not their fault their company sucks.

Tru TV has actually gotten in on the joke, using a #wherestrutv? Hashtag last year. It was kind of clever and even they can acknowledge that nobody will give a shit about them after the first six days of the tournament. By the time it starts winding down, Tru TV goes back to not existing at all. As if it never existed at all.

Charles Barkley – This proud tradition happens every March. While college basketball analysts work on games and studied teams for months leading up to the tournament, they get replaced by two NBA “analysts” who rarely stay on the topic of Basketball – Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. My only guess as to why this happens is because CBS believes people tune in for the NCAA Tournament  for the studio show. Definitely not for the 63 games and constant 12 hours of action. Yes, it must be the people explanation that points are good.

First of all, Kentucky doesn’t have a franchise. And while we’re at it, where the hell is Iowa?

Kenny Smith at least pretends to know what he’s talking about. Granted he doesn’t, but at least he tries. Barkley on the other hand knows he’s clueless and doesn’t try to hide it to the world. Every year he fills out a bracket, and by the third game he’s lost a final four team. It’s impeccable. He talks about players he thinks will need to be big in the upcoming game, only some of them are hurt or graduated. CBS doesn’t care. He brings the ratings and he’s funny. I’m not trying to insult Barkley – he’s one of my favorite sports personalities. But he doesn’t belong on a college basketball show.

Gaining Weight – Look, every year I take the first two days of the tournament. I’m going to eat crappy food and drink beer. The odds of me not putting on 2-3 pounds are low. I’d offer to bet on it, but we’ll both be broke by the time we have to pay it out.

The biggest problem with the tournament is that as the field thins out, the games get less interesting. Yes, I know, it’s weird but it’s true. A lot of the buzzer beaters and drama disappear, and its place is college basketball. Yuck. Sure, there might be exciting games are the end of the tournament, but it’s a definite downgrade from the feverish pace. I imagine it’s like doing cocaine for four days, and then being told you’re next rush will come from a single jelly bean. Give me the first four powder white days. We’re still talking about college basketball. I think.

Once Tru TV goes back to being a static channel, I’ll move on to baseball, like a true College Basketball fan anyway.

1. *Thankfully not from the couch toilet.
2. **I didn’t say what was pointing.
3. ***I passed on making a deplorable pun. You should be proud of my restraint.