Halloween Candy Ranks Or Making People Angry Over Forms of Sugar

Normally, a Bloggin Hood post rambles on for a minimum of 1,000 words before touching the title’s topic. We don’t have that luxury today. No, today’s blog is of the upmost importance. The people have demanded it. We’re going to rank Halloween Candy and I went overboard. With nearly 50 candies on the docket, there’s no time for side tangents.

If you were curious, I considered The Great Pumpkin, Mischief Night and Teenager Trick or Treaters for the tangents.

Concept

Rankings are always pretentious. Everyone believes their rankings are perfect and everyone else’s suck. If you play fantasy football, you know that rankings are always a joke. Every season, undrafted players finish in the top 50 overall while first round picks bust. It’s a stupid game, and people who rank players are wasting their time. I’d know; I’ve ranked players for nearly a decade now. Considering I’m working a 9-5 (more like 8-6), it’s clear it hasn’t paid off.

To determine the best candy, I debated using two different methods. The first was the Treat or Treat Method. As a child, we all had our favorite candies. We would celebrate receiving one of our favorites. If we were really lucky, we got to pick it out of a bowl. The Trick or Treat method would simply rank the order in which candy we preferred to receive.

The second was the Giveaway Method. As an adult, we’re the ones supplying the candy to children. However, most of us still have a sweet tooth. The Giveaway Method ranks candies based on what you want to give away. It’s an inverse list where the worst candies appear at the top. Let’s face it, you want to keep some candy at the end of Halloween. If you show up to my house early on Halloween, you’re getting Good and Plenty. Sucks to suck early risers.

Halfway through outlining this, I realized these were some of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever had. I mean, the Giveaway Method? Really? No, I just ranked a bunch of candy and placed them in 5 tiers. As a rule, most candy is tasty, but there’s an order in taste. Anything above tier 5 is at least passable. You’ll never guess where Good and Plenty is.

Excluded Halloween Treats.

Generic Chocolate – There’s nothing wrong with a cheap piece of chocolate. As you’ll soon see, chocolate ranks pretty highly unless its part a horrible recipe or a terrible ingredient combination. Generic chocolate makes plenty of appearances at Halloween, but it’s not a brand. I wanted to rank the power house items, Halloween staples, and the poisons that rank in the last tier. This is Halloween Candy filler – tasty, but difficult to include. If I had to, it would be in the middle of the 3^rd tier, decidedly average.

Non Halloween Candy – I know it seems obvious, but somebody will question why the Cadbury Cream Egg isn’t ranked. I excluded Jelly Beans, Candy Canes, and anything rare for Halloween. Maybe 1 house in a thousand gives out 100 Grand Bars or Pay Days, but they missed the cut. I had the draw the line somewhere to finish in time for 2020 Halloween. For the record, the Cadbury egg would have made the top 5 if allowed.

Lemonheads – I saw Lemonheads on multiple Halloween candy lists when I verified I included all the classics. I strongly disagree. Lemonheads aren’t a Halloween staple. If they are, I went to the wrong houses as a child. These are my favorite candy. I wouldn’t have been rational about it. There would have been a Lemonhead tier and multiple, horrific sour related puns. I excluded them for you readers, despite how delicious they are. You’re welcome.

Money – Yes, people give money out for Halloween. It’s because people are lazy and lose track of dates. However, unless you swallowed pennies as a child, money isn’t a candy. It’s definitely not digestible. If you’re swallowing money, please consult a doctor. That’s a concerning amount of iron.

With our rules established,*¹ let’s jump in to the candy rankings.

Halloween Hall of Fame

The best of the best. These candies should be wrapped in gold and get to give a painfully long speech every October 31^st.

Reese’s Cup – This is the obvious, clear #1 candy. No one has ever ate a Reese’s Cup and said “Man, that was disappointing”. Chocolate and Peanut Butter are the Jordan and Pippen of desserts. It doesn’t get better than this. Well, I guess you could have a nut allergy. Then you could certainly do better than this.

Crunch/Krackel – I grouped these two together as they’re basically the same thing. Criminally underrated, chocolate with a crunch (pun obviously intended) is excellent. For a brief moment, I had this #1 overall, but came to my senses. Still, Crunch and Krackel deserve more props. Crunch and Krackle are the standard bearer for bite sized candy bars** ².

Sour Patch Kids/Watermelons – Sour candy isn’t very sour, except for Warheads. Typically, it’s a little tart, and then overly sweet. Sour Patch Kids toe the line the best and receive the overall bronze medal. I like the watermelons better, but I’m not picky. Personally, they’re so close, I couldn’t give them separate entries.

3 Musketeers – I remember the old 3 Musketeers’ commercials where the candy bar was described as light. Did people think this meant it was a healthier candy bar? Normally, I slam such a misleading ad. However, 3 Musketeers is delicious, so I’ll allow it. If people think they are saving calories by choosing a particular candy bar, let them live their truth. When those same people start predominantly wearing sweat pants, we’ll know why.

M&Ms – It’s a coin flip between this and the next entry, but I give the edge to M&Ms. The plain chocolate ones are great, but the varieties separate them. Have you had the caramel M&Ms? If not, buy yourself some of the aforementioned sweatpants and get yourself a bag (or 6). You’ll likely get original or peanut for Halloween. I’m not big on the Peanut variety, but the original is enough for top 5 status. And if somebody gives out Caramel M&Ms for Halloween, make that person mayor of the city.

Reece’s Pieces – If you love peanut butter, these would go over M&Ms. They’re really good, but I think chocolate goes better with the hard candy shell. A pro tip – if you have a party, combine Reece’s Pieces and M&M’s into a bowl. That’s good snacking.

Kit Kat – Most Halloween Candy Bars aren’t full size. Instead, they’re called “fun size”. Like George Costanza after a swim, they shrink to an embarrassing size. What’s fun about less candy? Kit Kats come in “fun size”, but you still get 2 pieces, which isn’t bad. However, there are packages of Kit Kat singles out there. That goes against the frigging slogan! Luckily, whether it’s full sized, or just a single piece, Kit Kats are always great.

Jolly Ranchers – Most hard candies suck. Jolly Ranchers are the exception. Typically, you only get one, or maybe two pieces per house. There’s a risk of drawing bad flavors. Fortunately, Jolly Rancher flavors are almost universally good. Blue Raspberry and Grape can kick rocks, but the remaining options are great*** ³.

Skittles – We can argue on the different varieties of Skittles, but the OG ones never let me down. Fruit Flavored candy are a gamble on Halloween, but when you’re getting 10-15 skittles in a pack, the risk is minimized. Anti Pro tip – if you have a party, DONT mix Skittles with M&Ms or Reece’s pieces. You’ll create mass confusion. Several guests will assume the punch was spiked with acid.

Hershey Bar – This is the standard for Halloween Candy. In recent years, people have bashed the Hershey bar. Apparently, it’s low quality chocolate. Imagine being an elite snob over frigging chocolate. It’s Halloween, not a 5 star restaurant. I’m sure it’s not the best chocolate out there, but it’s pretty frigging good. I’ll happily take any unwanted Hershey bars. I except boxes of chocolate at my door.

Halloween All Stars

While not the best Halloween has to offer, all of these candies are great. You can be great and not make the Hall of Fame. This isn’t the NBA.

Hershey Dark – Dark chocolate is polarizing. Either you love it, or you avoid it at all cost. I don’t see why people dislike dark chocolate. It’s not as good as milk chocolate, but it’s not that far off. I understand preferring other options, but this is a good Halloween Candy. Don’t listen to the haters. Plus, dark chocolate has antioxidants. That’ll help you survive after earing 18,000 calories and 45 days’ worth of sugar.

Gummy Bears/Worm/Whatever – There’s hundreds of gummy candies. My favorite shape are bears, but yours may differ. Gummy candies are always good, but can’t compete with top tiers. No matter your mood, there’s a better candy than gummy bears/worms/ect. Even the Gummy Bear Cartoon never stood out against other Disney Classics. You won’t be upset with gummies, but you won’t be overjoyed either.

Starburst – At their best, Starburst are a top tier Halloween Candy. The issue is the fun size pack. Fun size Starburst are a two pack, and the flavors are random. Getting two cherries is fantastic, but what if you get two awful, awful lemons? I had to split the difference. You know the old saying – When life gives you two lemon Starbursts, throw them away and eat another Crunch bar.

Tootsie Roll Pops – These are Tootsie Rolls’ best use by far. If you avoid grape, Tootsie Roll Pops are a Halloween win. That’s great, but I want to use this time to complain about a bigger issue: the Tootsie Roll Commercial.

Why haven’t Tootsie Roll Pops gotten a new commercial in 60+ years? Does the company think a owl scamming a kid is peak comedy? It’s just bad as a frigging political ad. That owl is one smug bastard stealing candy for the better part of a century. And the dumb ass kid? He’s the symbol for failures. They should sit him in the front row at Jets games. The next time I hear the owl count 1,2,3, the TV remote is going to the screen before I hear the crunch. Also, so many people have solved the question poised by the commercial. We know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. Get some new material or get off the air. I hope that smug ass owl bit into a grape one.

Snickers – As a kid, I hated Snickers. The only peanuts I liked were the cartoon. I was out on each and every nut out there. As a mature, sophisticated adult, who’s busy ranking Halloween candy, I appreciate it more. It’s not my favorite, but I understand it’s appeal. Snickers has too much going on for me. It feels like a burger with 18 toppings. Sometimes, the simpler candies are better. I imagine it’s trying to hide being an inferior product to Crunch and 3 Musketeers. I await the Snickers Sect in the comments.

Milky Way – This is for my father. Poppa Bloggin Hood is a big Milky Way fan. As a kid, I ate them because he did, but now I see that there’s better choices. The filling isn’t great. It’s like a mix of all the fillings in a Valentine’s Day chocolate box. They aren’t bad, but you can do better.

Air Heads – Air Heads are a bigger gamble than Starburst. While you do know the flavor (sometimes) before opening the wrapper, there’s a lot more variety. Odds are, you won’t get many of your favorite. You might also end up with a bunch of mystery Air Heads, and have no clue what you’re dealing with. These are also extremely chewy, which I have to be in the mood for to deal with.

Swedish Fish – Ironically, Swedish fish ranks lower than Air Heads for having no variety. The fish are good, but after a couple, I’m tired of them. It’s a more subtle cherry flavor than other gummy candies. If there were multiple Swedish fish flavors in the same pouch, I’d be all in on them. In fact, there are multi flavor varieties, but they’re nowhere near common enough to be considered as a Halloween Candy. This is the one candy where the fun size version is the right amount.

Hershey’s Cookie and Cream – White chocolate isn’t chocolate. I’m not sure what it qualifies as but it sure isn’t chocolate. The Cookies and Cream bar is the weird cousin of the Hershey family. It’s good in small doses, but the more you’re around it, the worse it’s gets. If you had one Cookies and Cream bar, you’d demand it rise a tier. But after a few more, you’d see this is the proper placement. I enjoy the Cookie and Cream flavor, but the Hershey rendition isn’t the best.

Warheads – If I can only eat one candy, Warheads are a tough sell. If you love sour things, Warheads reign king. You’ll pucker up the second you unwrap one of these. After a few seconds of pain, the sourness disappears, and Warheads become a regular hard candy. It’s a sour Jolly Rancher. Why exactly, would I pick pain over a Jolly Rancher? It cracks the end of the second tier on a unique gimmick, but little else.

Halloween Role Players

Consider these Halloween Candies 6 to 7 out of 10. They’re enjoyable, but have some obvious flaws.

Almond Joy/Mounds – Chocolate and coconut form an infamous pair. Some people can’t get enough of it, Some people would rather eat broccoli than any coconut dessert. Forget dark chocolate; this is the most polarizing Halloween Candy of all time. Personally, I fall in the middle. It’s unique, but I’m not sure it’s good. Of course, if you love coconut, this is probably in your top 3 or 4. I prefer Mounds to Almond Joy. The only difference is the obnoxiously large Almond in the latter. Almonds and coconut; the Halloween combination of mediocrity.

Twix – It’s a worse Kit Kat. No really, that’s all a Twix is. Both are chocolate covered cookies, but Twix adds fake caramel feeling that makes it worse. I can’t imagine choosing Twix over Kit Kat. Plus, the Twix commercials are embarrassing. The only people laughing at those couldn’t tell their left from their right anyway.

Twizzlers – I ate a lot of Twizzlers as a child. Now, I realize they’re nothing but really good licorice. In the grand scheme of candy, that’s not great.

Nerds – I like Nerds, but they go quick. The Halloween sized box is only half filled. That equates to about a quarter teaspoon of candy. Nerds come in a variety of flavors, but all of them are just colored sugar. Theirs potential, but it’s not met. Look at that, a whole 5 sentences without a nerd pun. I’ve matured.

Butterfingers – The last of the headline chocolate bars, Butterfingers inside is too hard. Is it supposed to be crunchy peanut butter? Peanut brittle? Peanut butter cookies? Something in between? I’m not sure, but it shatters teeth. You know who loves this candy? Dentists. If you want something peanut buttery, grab a Reese’s. If you want something as crunchy as a Butterfinger, pour some chocolate sauce on a rock. I expect a response from the Butterfinger Brigade.

Mike and Ikes – These are Halloween’s version of Jelly Beans and they aren’t nearly as good. Mike and Ikes are way too hard but have solid flavor. Just remember if Jelly Beans were part of the season, Mike and Ike Inc would have went bankrupt years ago.

Dum Dums – Like anything with multiple flavors, Dum Dums are risky. You could get a delicious cherry. You could also get a weird flavor. Who approved Birch Beer Lollipops? Dum Dums are what you get after a doctor’s appointment or haircut. They’re an average Halloween candy. You can do a lot better. But hey, you could do a lot worse.

Blow Pop – Who decided to stuff gum into a lollipop? I’d like to meet the genius. A Tootsie Roll Pop works because you’re going to eat the whole thing. A Blow Pop leads to unexpected shards of hard candy minutes after you thought you were in the clear. Ever stab your cheek with a Blow Pop shard? Really? Just me? Fine, but it’s still a stupid idea. It ranks this high because the lollipops are usually good.

Halloween Bench Warmers

Nobody really wants these candies. They’ll never be stars. But they can round out your candy bowl well enough. Maybe somebody who visits will eat these by mistake?

Tootsie Rolls – The ultimate Halloween Candy Filler. Any house that gives out Tootsie Rolls has an antenna TV and an AOL e-mail address. It’s just chocolate flavored goop. Who wants that? There’s hundreds of chocolate options out there. We can’t do better?

Now and Later – Most Now and Later flavors taste good. Unfortunately, you’ll be tasting the same Now and Later for 6 hours. They take forever to eat. The payoff isn’t worth the work. It will keep your jaw in shape though.

Peppermint Patty – Peppermint Patties cools your mouth as you eat that. That’s right, just like after you brush your teeth. What an ironic treat – you get a fresh mouth but an increased risk of cavities. I’m against Peppermint in all forms. Candy Canes are lucky this is a Halloween Candy list.

Mr Goodbar – More like Mr. Okay bar. Has anyone ever chosen this thing willingly? The Goodbar is filled with peanuts. It’s almost a chocolate covered peanut. If you like a dab of chocolate with your nuts**** ⁴, go for a Mr. Goodbar. If you have taste buds, try anything in the first three tiers.

Baby Ruth – Baby Ruth makes Mr. Goodbar look safe for people with peanut allergies. This is a solid bar of peanut, with some chocolate to hide them. I expect Planters is behind the monstrosity. If you want peanuts, just eat frigging peanuts. It’s that simple.

Heath Bar – I’ve never eaten a Heath Bar. I had to google it. The Heath Bar is made of toffee, almonds and milk chocolate. Toffee and almonds do not sound like a winning combination. This feels over ranked, but chocolate cures a lot of issues.

Laffy Taffy – It’s a chewier, worse tasting Now and Later. The same company makes both. The Phoenix company hated children. Either that, or they teamed up with Big Dentist.

Dots – These chewy, tasteless blobs stick in your teeth for days. Brushing your teeth won’t save you. Dots lock into teeth crevasses, avoid every bristle, and mock your pain. Don’t give Dots the satisfaction. Popcorn finds lets gaps in your teeth than Dots.

Sweet Tarts – In 5 words Sweet Tarts are slightly tart, chalky sugar disks.

Bottle Caps – In 5 words, Bottle Caps are slightly cherry, chalky sugar disks.

Smarties – In 5 words, Smarties are extremely chalky, slightly sugar disks.

Seriously, why are there 3 of the same thing? Especially when all of them suck.

Pixie Stix – Out of respect for Maid Megan, I kept these out of the bottom tier. These are flavorless sugar in a straw. I’m pretty sure Pixie Stix exist to smuggle cocaine. That’s the only explanation. If you never had a Pixie Stix, they’re easy to make. Stick a straw in your sugar bowl and go to town. Somehow, this might be less sugar content.

Halloween Rejects

Receiving any of these candies during Halloween is a declaration of war. In most states, it’s legal to slap the homeowner who gives any of these “treats” to children. If you have any of these in your house, please discard them immediately.

Whoopers – The Hershey Company states these are malted milk balls. I disagree. Whoopers are chocolate coated chalk. Unless Sweet Tarts, Bottle Caps, and Smarties, Hershey forget to add sugar to the chalk. If you removed the chocolate, whoopers could draw on the sidewalk. An absolutely deplorable candy. If you give trick or treaters whoppers, your house deserves to be egged.

Double Bubble – I like gum. It freshens my breath and keeps me from snacking. Double Bubble flavor is pink. You ‘re probably thinking “Pink isn’t a flavor”. You’d be correct. Double Bubble isn’t just tasteless, it’s also tougher than steel. Chewing into Double Bubble is a commitment. Often, it’s a commitment to getting dentures. Why is this so hard? Is it toxic? Buy a pack of Trident instead. Your teeth will thank you.

Candy Corn – Everyone’s least favorite Halloween candy. Candy Corn has no real taste. It’s waxy, but otherwise tastes like pure sugar. The Tri Color design reminds you how processed it is. There’s no upside to Candy Corn. Why is it still on the shelves? Somebody reading this blog is keeping Candy Corn in business. You sir or madam, should be ashamed. Put your disposal income to good use; buy some Darkwing Duck merchandise and revise an American classic.

It’s not good by any means, but I don’t think it’s the worst candy. I’d much rather eat Candy Corn than Baby Corn. If someone gives you Baby Corn on Halloween, that’s assault. Have that criminal arrested.

Milk Duds – Milk Duds are chocolate covered caramel bites. It sounds good, but it’s not. Milk Duds are chocolate flavored dots. That’s not a good thing. There’s a million better forms a chocolate. Never before has the word dud been so apt.

Real Licorice – In college, I remember plenty of people drank Jager. It tastes like licorice it says. It’s so much better than other alcohols, they said. Well guess what? Jager sucks and so does licorice. Who would eat something so bitter in 2020? Masochists and psychopaths, that’s who.

Good and Plenty – What’s the only way to make licorice worse? What if you shape it like a Mike and Ike? That’s what a Good and Plenty is. What a horrendous idea. Of course it’s called Good and Plenty. There’s plenty of them on the shelf and nobody’s buying them.

Charleston Chews – I don’t think anyone born after 1955 enjoys Charleston Chews. Somehow, it’s a worse Milk Dud. Don’t be fooled by the shape; these are chewy. Why is a candy bar chewy? This is the worst use of chocolate I’ve found. Actually, Wikipedia states the coating is “Chocolate flavored”. Even chocolate refused to work with this gross disaster.

Hot Tamales – Having spice with dinner is a good idea. Having spice in your Halloween candy is a horrible idea. Hot Tamales takes everything good about candy and throws it in the dumpster. It spits on centuries of tradition. I like originally, but not at the expense of common sense.

Wax Cola Bottles – Why do these exist? To “enjoy” these, you have to bite the bottle top off and drink the syrup inside. Apparently, the wax cannot be ingested, which means young children cannot have these. Then who the hell were these designed for? Are adults throwing back Wax Bottles on the weekend? I sure hope not. If not for our final entry, these would be the clear last place winner.

Circus Peanuts – The circus peanut combines the worst features of Halloween Candy in one. They are chalky and tasteless. They manage to be incredibly chewy, yet still become stale the moment air touches them. Packing Peanuts have way more flavor, and probably more fiber. Giving a circus peanut to a child is a form of abuse. Never, and I mean never, eat a circus peanut. If there’s a candy worse than this, I haven’t found it. I wouldn’t want to find it.

And that is Bloggin Hood’s Halloween Candy ranks. If I miss anything, let me know. I’m sure I’ll see it in between hate mail.

1. *Were they established? I think I got my rambling in without admitting it.
2. **Before somebody says it, Reese’s Cups are not candy bars. They are cups. It’s in the name. This isn’t hard people.
3. ***I’m not sure if there’s a Grape Jolly Rancher, but all grape flavored things are bad. I wrote it just in case.
4. ***Hey-oh