Hallmark Christmas Movies or Wait, Wasn’t It Just Halloween?

It’s that time of the year again. Daylight Savings Time has ended, leading to sunsets at 5PM every night. The weather changes from comfortable to cold as bulky coats reenter our lives. Football fans nationwide lose their Sundays for Pumpkin Picking and Hay Rides. Some people even sink thousands into Pumpkin Spice Products, proving many people hate money. And worst of all, Hallmark Christmas Movies dominate the air waves with no end in sight.

The Christmas season begins earlier every year. Remember when Christmas began in December? That made sense. Over the past decade, the starting point becomes earlier and earlier. It began simply enough: after the Thanksgiving meal ends, the Christmas tree goes up. I learned to accept this. However, this year, people believe we’re already in the Christmas season. In fact, as of November 1st, there’s lunatics jamming out to “All I want for Christmas is you”

What the Hell has happened here? I get that everyone likes the holiday season, but there’s an order to things. Christmas is on December 25^th every year. Other major December holidays, like Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa are exclusively in the proper month. These holidays aren’t creeping into other months of the year. Christmas nuts don’t follow the calendar. People celebrate Christmas in July after all.

Why are people Celebrating Christmas in July exactly?

I don’t mean to alienate those who don’t celebrate or practice Christmas. However, this issue really only applies to that holiday. Nobody wants to start Easter in January. There isn’t a push to have Fourth of July Fireworks in May. So why are we moving the Christmas timeline up? Do you want to hear Mariah Carey for 2+ months? Need I remind you about Baby it’s Cold Outside. There’s only 8 unique Christmas songs, and I can’t handle them already.

Thanksgiving is the biggest loser in all of this* ¹. I know the holiday is problematic for some, but Thanksgiving is an excuse to see family members and eat a big ass meal. What’s more American than overeating and passing out from excess booze? Other than gifts, which I’ll admit is a huge difference, Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day are very similar. It’s the décor, the build up and, yes, the gifts, that separate the two. Does this mean we have to off road one holiday to get to the other? A vast majority of the Christmas Coalition say yes.

Thanksgiving needs a rebrand. Do you think we could get Jojo to write and perform a Thanksgiving song? That’ll bring the people back around.

I still have a bag of Halloween candy leftover from Halloween. My apartment floor is covered in Reese’s Wrappers, and M&M crumbs. Some houses still have their Halloween decorations up. Why are we on a fast track to Christmas? If it’s to end 2020 quicker, I’m all for it. Unfortunately, the flow of time is a fickle bitch, so it won’t work that way.

I don’t know what causes the Christmas season to begin earlier each year. Perhaps people really like decorating. No holiday provides the vast options like Christmas. Obviously you have a tree, with dozens of ornaments, lights and a star. People place tinsel and lights from their front porch all the way to the roof. That tinsel and lights combination has to be a fire hazard.

Is it the Peace and Goodwill toward men? You know we could do that year round without the holidays attached to it. We all need more kindness in our lives. Why not practice it year round instead of basing it off a holiday? Then again, I am bashing people for celebrating a season about kindness early. I’m not the solution.

Do people just have a Santa fetish? I hope not.

In my opinion, the real reason is marketing. Companies know they profit off of Christmas. The earlier the Christmas season begins, the sooner those companies make bank. Almost every store removed their Halloween displays as soon as the calendar flipped to November. Christmas displays are everywhere, which creates a mini hysteria. Nobody wants to be left out. When all you see is Christmas, whether it’s physically in a store, on TV, or decorating, you’ll want to celebrate it.

In many ways, the early Christmas season is a self fulfilling prophecy. People love Christmas, and businesses love money. If companies move up their timeline to carry and advertise Christmas items, or Christmas itself, people will eat it up. In turn, the people who want to celebrate Christmas anyway will cash in, literally, and begin celebrating early. Again, if Christmas in July happens, Christmas in November is the logical step. At least in only a month away. I need a long explanation on this Christmas in July crap.

Perhaps this year Christmas was moved up to offset 2020. But don’t be surprised if Halloween 2021 is engulfed in Christmas fever. We’ll only see Santa, Angels and very sacrilegious Jesus costumes. Candy canes will be the most common candy (yuck). This sounds horrible. I reject this notion, even if I’m one of the best Santas of all time.

One of, if not the biggest culprit of the early Christmas movement is Hallmark. Hallmark produces Holiday cards and ornaments. Christmas is a huge part of the company’s bottom line, so they sell Christmas like a drug dealer sells to an addict. They pump mistletoe and Peppermint directly into your veins. The majority of Hallmark’s products are overly sweet, safe, and family friendly. Their biggest marketing tool for Christmas is their own channel. No one celebrates the season earlier, and more often than the Hallmark Christmas Movie series.

We came full circle in less than 1,000 words. I deserve my Pulitzer for this one.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Hallmark Channel, God bless you. You lived a charmed life. For the uninformed, the Hallmark Channel is a constant influx of feel good movies, typically focused on romance. There’s a second channel Hallmark “Mystery” which features a surprising amount of murder. For a company based on cheap, feel good fluff, murder seems a bit dark. But remember, the channel is only killing off unimportant characters in their shows and movies. The main characters are always alive, with some poorly written sexual tension.

For today’s blog, our focus is Hallmark’s Christmas Movies. Believe it or not, these films appear on both channels. Yes, even murderers need to get into the holiday spirit. Hallmark manages to churn out these “films” quicker than McDonald’s fills orders of fries. This year alone, Hallmark premiered 40 new movies on its networks. 40 may sound like a lot, but consider filming on several of these movies didn’t begin as of October. A few of the projects didn’t have names as of November 1st. As time has proven, quantity is much more important than quality. Especially if that quantity comes with Christmas cheer.

More alarming than the number of new features, and the hundreds of completed titles airing, is when the Hallmark Christmas Movies begin. This year, movies premiered on Oct 22^nd. October! I thought I was joking when it came to Hallmark trying to take over Halloween, but it’s already here. Protect your holidays Bloggin Hood readers. Hallmark is coming to replace all traditions with Santa hats and sleigh bells. Watch your back 4^th of July.

I’m not surprised. Hallmark Christmas Movies dominate the airways, but they’re so much more than just Holiday Propaganda. They’re the sappy, predictable, feel good films that the whole family can watch. And people must be, because they keep producing movie after movie. They also can do so because every single Hallmark film is formulaic.

Do you remember your Math classes? Of course you don’t. We never had to use anything we learned in Math and as it turned out, we always have a calculator on hand. However, if you dig deep into those repressed memories, you might find a formula or two. Just like we used to plug numbers into memorized formulas and pretend it was education, Hallmark plugs bareboned ideas into a Script Generator and hit print. There’s no skill or creativity in any of this, and as a person who puts their heart and soul into each blog, it infuriates me** ².

Today, I’ll expose Hallmark Christmas movies for what they are – formulaic, cliché drivel. Some may argue “No, these movies are cute”. Well, so are puppies. If you want cute, go on Instagram and look at some Corgi’s in costumes. Ask Maid Megan about them – there’s a million accounts. My personal favorite is Sneakers the Corgi. If I commit two hours (including commercials) on TV, it had better be good. Hallmark Christmas Movies are not. They are a Red and Green stain on entertainment.

You may wonder how I know this. Well, I’m not proud, but I’ve seen my share of Hallmark Christmas Movies. No, I didn’t watch too many all the way through, but I’ve bits and pieces of dozens. And the ones I have seen all the way through have identical formulas. Are there differences? Sure. But they never deviate from the formula. Before you sit down with your loved ones and watch a Hallmark Christmas Movie, especially this early, consider the following analysis.

If you decide to watch anyway, use this write-up as a bingo sheet. You can check off what you see as you go. Every movie guaranteed a bingo!

Characters

Lead Actress

Typically, the lead actress is the main character of the movie. I’m sure a handful of Hallmark Christmas Movies have starred a man, but these have 99% female leads. Considering the target audience are women, it makes sense.

This doesn’t mean Hallmark isn’t reaching out to men. Usually, that’s accomplished with an attractive lead.. Most stars of these films have the girl next door quirk. I’m sure a scary percentage of male viewers believe the have a chance with whoever stars in chance film. Keep telling yourself that men. Bask in your own delusion. If you sell her jokes harder, that’ll help your chances*** ³.

Our lead actress tends to come in one of two archetypes. The archetype directly effects her co star, and the setting, ever so slightly.

1. She is a small town girl working at a specialty store, or her family’s business. Hallmark Christmas Movies cover every profession imaginable. Often the heart and soul of her town, our lead is perky, happy and quirky. Her personality stands out, but only in comparison to the rest of the cast. The lead tends to be bland, but she’s practically Liberace compared to everyone else. This archetype tells a lot of jokes, which range from groan inducing to nearly passable. She also loves Christmas. Actually, love is an understatement. Her personality is Christmas.
2. The other main archetype is the female lead is a busy businesswoman who only cares for business. Usually this is either at a large, often evil corporation, or she is her own boss. This version is humorless at the start, but acts this way for a very important reason. It may be to help a family member, forget her past, or to prove she doesn’t need a man. She will hate Christmas at the beginning, but grow to love it. By the end of the film, she will mirror archetype 1.

One constant, up until 2018, was the female lead’s name. It was always Katie. I’m not kidding. I believe there was a rule that all Hallmark Christmas Movies MUST star a Katie. The busy businesswoman who only cares for business would begin as Kate, but become Katie as she let her hair down (often literally). Hallmark must have heard me, because Katie is a rarer name for newer movies. It’s still the most popular name by far. I will refer to our lead as Katie in this article.

Another branching path is whether or not Katie is a single mother. A shocking amount of these films have single parents who have a child aged 6-10. If our lead doesn’t, there will be a young child involved somehow. Perhaps her co star will be the single parent. Katie may have a much younger sibling or cousin. There are exceptions, but over 90% of the time, some random child will be involved.

It is rare for the lead to already be in a relationship at the start of the film. Typically Katie is either happy with her quiet life, no longer interesting in love, or too busy with work/raising a child to date. On rare occasions, she will be in a relationship. If so, you can guaranteed they are about to become engaged and we’re getting to meet some “off the wall” in-laws. Honestly, it’s so formulaic, Algebra is embarrassed.

Something I’ve noticed is Hallmark’s lead actresses fall in two categories. You may catch a lead early in her career, trying to break into Hollywood. You also see a lot of actresses at the tail end of their careers, fighting for another check. From what I’ve seen, no actor or actress is getting a breakthrough role from their Hallmark performance. However, there’s several women who have made a career off of Hallmark Christmas Movies. I’m sure I’m missing several, but here’s 3 that stand out.

1. Lacey Chebert – The former Mean Girls star, I thought Chebert was going to be a bigger star. Then again, Lindsay Lohan didn’t exactly become a superstar after Mean Girls either. Chebert manages a minimum of two Hallmark Christmas Movies a year. I imagine they must pay well.
2. Candice Cameron Bure – The former DJ on Full House, she dominates this network. I feel like she’s in dozens of movies, and a few Hallmark TV shows. When her movies premiere, it’s monumental for the network. The transition from Full House to Hallmark seems so natural.
3. Lori Loughlin – Loughlin, another Full House Alum, was a huge Hallmark star. But then she committed a small amount of college admission fraud and went to jail. She’s in more movies than DJ, but something tells me her total has plateaued. Then again, she may have filmed 10 new Christmas movies during her 3 week sentence.

Male Lead

Hallmark Christmas Movies are romance movies in a holiday setting. Therefore, most of these blockbusters will have a male lead. Hallmark is trapped in the 50s, so you won’t see any same sex couples. The biggest risks this network takes is the title of the films; most are horrible Christmas puns. Hopefully Hallmark will get with the times and have movies that represent more types of relationships. That would require them to hire script writers though, and I believe that’s out of budget.

The Male Lead will be the exact opposite of Katie. If Katie is a small town girl, the love interest is a big time city slicker. If Kate is a busy businesswoman who only cares for business, the male lead will work part time at a juice bar and spends his free time at orphanages.

There is a very rare occurrence where both stars have similar backgrounds, but those are less than 1%. Given Hallmark’s schedule, that’s roughly 8 movies each holiday season. In this scenario, the leads were childhood friends where one was in love but never mentioned it. Those movies are the worst Hallmark offers. That’s a low bar to reach, the Hallmark Christmas Movies always dig as deep as they can.

The only other backstory for the male lead is royalty. Sometimes, he is a prince from a made up country who visits a small Midwestern US town for unknown reasons. Honestly, I don’t think we ever get an explanation. Why would a prince travel in secret? Even if he did, wouldn’t he just go to New York or LA? The prince will try to get Katie to move to the fake country and marry him, but she refuses to leave her home. It’ll end with the prince marrying her and denouncing his royal birthrights. Yeah, ok. Like Katie wouldn’t hightail it out of here and become a princess.

The true defining characteristic of the male lead is blandness. Each has the personality of a cardboard box, with half the acting chops, and less charisma. Each and every male actor in Hallmark Christmas movies has no distinguishable characteristics. These are men who consider black pepper too spicy and thinks network dramas are clever. The male lead is a mannequin designed to deliver cliched lines as monotone as possible.. I expect Hallmark’s budget goes toward a fleet of robots who plays the role. No realistic woman would date these men, unless they were desperate, or grew up hanging around really uninteresting cardboard boxes.

Ironically, it is their bland, simple minds that help them. Usually, the male lead will bond with Katie’s child, helping spark their relationship despite the differences. Occasionally, he’s a parent, and his great relationship with his son or daughter intrigues Katie. Hallmark believes this is what single women want – a bland, uninteresting dork who has a child. Imagining having your head shoved that far up your own ass.

Unlike with actresses, there are no career Hallmark male actors. Hallmark cuts out a new male actor from cardboard after each move, discarding the remains after filming. They don’t even recycle. It’s disgusting.

For the rest of this post, I will refer to the male lead as Woody, for having all the traits of wood**** ⁴. Sorry about this, Woody Harrelson.

Some Kid

It isn’t a Hallmark movie without a child playing a pivotal role. The child is typically between the ages of 6-10, and often is the son or daughter of one of the leads. Katie or Woody is a single parents due to tragic circumstances. It may be a messy divorce or a death. Despite this, the child is always a perfect angel. He or she never has any issues. It must be nice to raise the second coming of Christ in 35 out of 40 films.

If neither of the leads are parents, this character will still make an appearance. It must be a state law or something. The child will be a close relative, a younger brother or sister, or just a snot nosed bastard who won’t go away. The child will get a lot of screen time, likely to add to the cuteness factor. That trick isn’t working on Bloggin Hood.

The most striking trait that the children have is intellect. These kids are wise beyond their years. Each child understands that the main characters love each other before anyone else***** ⁵. They usually give sage advice on what their parents will do. Most movies have at least one scene where they play matchmaker. Are we to believe most kids want a Hallmark male lead in their life? That’s less believable than the kid being frigging Einstein compared to the rest of the cast.

This could just be chance, but I think 90% of the movies I’ve seen have a boy in this role. Maybe it’s to offset Woody being a hallow shell of a human? Maybe it’s not to upstage Katie? Either way, expect the child to break down how relationships are difficult, but Woody and Katie need each other. If you don’t groan, you’re more patient than me.

Family Members

If you thought you’re family was awkward, you haven’t seen anything yet. Having family members appear in a Hallmark Christmas Movie makes sense. Having barely functional adults play family members does not. We get the latter.

Most of the time, we get Katie’s family, though Woody’s family could also be present. If both family’s show up, there’s a guaranteed awkward dinner. You’ll immediately feel shame if that happens. For this blog’s purpose, I’ll focus on Katie’s family. Despite the length of this post already, we can’t go on forever. Unless…

No, let’s not.

• Mother – The mother is a constant in every single movie. She may be a single parent, but that only occurs if both leads are not. She will always be supportive and rarely appears in a bad light. Occasionally, she’ll be wacky. Wacky for Hallmark means she has two ok lines and fifteen that make you cringe.
• Father – The father might be the only wildcard in the entire Hallmark Christmas Movie playbook. Sometimes, he doesn’t appear at all. Other times, he’s the main antagonist of the movie, hating Woody almost immediately. I’m not sure why he’s not the hero for having good judgment, but I digress. In other films, he’s a goofball with a heart of gold. Consider the father as the glue of the film. He takes on any missing role to fill a quota. If all the key components have been accounted for, the father will be dead at the start of the movie. I’m not kidding. #Justiceforfathers
• Sibling – We won’t always see a sibling, but when we do, he or she only serve two roles.

1. The Sibling is much more successful than Katie. This creates a rivalry, or fuels Katie to work harder.
2. The sibling a complete, unrealistic crazy person who can barely function. Despite this, everyone assumes he or she is fine.

The Rival

While the rival can be a female competing for Woody, typically it’s a man. This man has the hots for Katie and doesn’t hide it. In fact, Katie and the Rival have romantic history in many of the movies. The relationships usually end horrifically yet they always are in close proximity, potentially even working together. Come on Katie. Don’t eat where you shit.

Within the first 15 minutes, the audience meets the rival.. We’ll find out if he dated Katie in the past, and that he wants her real bad. Katie will reject him and we won’t see the rival again for half the movie. Then when we forget about him, he comes back and tries to end Woody and Katie’s budding romance. Sometimes, he’ll team up with Katie’s father to do so.

At no point do the writer’s give the rival any redeeming characteristics. He’s just an awful, thirsty piece of shit. He has no moral compass and just wants to sleep with Katie. Yet despite being this depraved, awful person, he still comes off just as uninspired as Woody.

Seriously male actors, why do you keep taking Hallmark roles? Is it because you think you have a chance with Katie in real life? It probably is. God, us men are stupid.

Santa

Here’s the main difference between regular Hallmark movies, and Hallmark Christmas Movies. Santa isn’t just a concept; he’s often a supporting character. Sometimes, Santa’s presence is only “subtlety” implied. This means he’ll wear a red Santa hat and “Ho Ho Ho” in his last scene.

Once a year, Santa will be the father of a main character. This plot line never works, but the writers keep trying it. Hey, the 48^th try is the charm.

Plot

Setting

The actual location of a Hallmark movie has two options. It will never deviate from one of the following.

1. if Katie is a small town girl, she will live in an impossibly unpopulated Midwestern town. Odds are, Katie’s family owns or works on a farm. There will be roughly 7 people present. You’ll hate every one of the 7 before the halfway point.
2. If Katie is a busy business woman who only cares for business, she’ll live in a big city. This city will also be grossly underpopulated and feature the same 7 people throughout the movie. Hallmark doesn’t have time for extras.

The movie’s physical location is irrelevant. What matters most is that it’s Christmas time. That’s not a surprise; it is a Hallmark Christmas Movie after all. However, this is Christmas, amped up to 11. In the opening scene, you’ll be punched in the face with merriment. The décor makes the North Pole look subtle. Every extra (the two that Hallmark pays) are super excited for Christmas. There’s always snow on the ground. Every single door has a wreath and holly.

There is no escape. As a viewer, prepare to be absorbed into the collective Christmas. Become one with the holiday season. Seriously, you might get a cavity from the opening shots.

Opening Scenes

By the end of the first 3-4 scenes, you’ll know exactly what type of Hallmark movie it is. Once it’s established, you’ll be able to name the plot points before they happen. It would be a fun parlor trick, but you’d have to admit you’re watching Hallmark movies. Unless under oath, never admit watching these. And if you’re under oath, what kind of shoddy lawyer is asking you this question? Sounds like a Hallmark Christmas Movie plot honestly.

Katie will be introduced in the first proper scene of the film. We’ll quickly learn what she does for a living, determining if we have a Katie, or a Kate. We’ll also establish her feelings on Christmas as that’s essential to her character (for some reason). If Busy Businesswoman Kate has no time for Christmas, there will be a heavy handed implication that it’s connected to trauma. Usually it’s a death of a beloved parents. Make no mistake, Hallmark will force tragedy down your gullet early to spread holiday cheer later.

We’ll also get a look at our rival here. Usually, he works or lives extremely close to Katie, though nobody considers him a stalker. He’ll seem like a typical boring extra here, but when he appears again, 45 minutes later, he’ll transform into an irredeemable, soulless thirsty shit bag. Hallmark Christmas Movies, you’ve done it again.

If Katie is donating her spare time for a Christmas activity, we’ll see it here. Usually, it will involve working with kids. If she’s a single parent, we’ll meet her know it all child now. Another potential avenue is revealing a very specific Christmas skill Katie has. This is a talent that has no use outside of Christmas. For instance, Katie might have the world’s best spiced cake recipe, or builds incredible gingerbread houses. Whatever skill is revealed, it’ll be essential to the plot.

Finally, we’ll often get our first look at Woody. If Woody is a single parent, he may run into Katie while she works with kids. If he’s not a father, he’ll randomly run into her at her job, or because he’s new in town. Woody will almost immediately be in love with Katie. Katie typically won’t think much of Woody, especially if he’s a rich businessman. Nevertheless, she’ll stare at him far too long, signifying their future connection. The dialogue between the two is suppose to hint at sparks, but it usually makes you grab a paper bag to puke into.

My imagery game is on point today.

The Forced Romance

I could write 10,000 words on this topic, but I’ll spare you the pain. The build up to Katie and Woody getting together and realizing their connection happens faster than the speed of light. The normal relationship steps are skipped in favor of warp speed love. Imagine if you sent flowers to someone you had a crush on, and then next day you were married with 3 kids. That’s the types of leaps we’re talking about.

Katie and Woody will run into each other a few more times. Sometimes it’s planned, but usually, Woody is trying to woo Katie to no avail. At about the 30 minute mark, Katie is either out on Woody, or unsure what to think. Usually she’ll speak to somebody about him – her mother, a friend, or her genius child for some reason. This conversation leads nowhere. It seems clear the two are incompatible. Katie will be a single woman forever.

But then, a mild inconvenience occurs, clearly related to Christmas. Here are a few examples

• The pianist for the town’s Christmas play got sick and there’s no substitute.
• A baker needs help to satisfy a large Christmas order and no one can help
• There is a blizzard in town and nobody can get out, but Katie needs to get home to her family.
• Somebody straight up dies and Katie attends the funeral. Seriously. How many times must I remind you? Hallmark will kill someone to bring you a Christmas story.

Whatever the situation is, Woody always has the specific, necessary skill to solve Katie’s problem. Katie will be reluctant to accept the help but does. After minutes of working together, both fall deep in love with each other. The task in question seems to be complete and romance blossoms right before Christmas. What could possibly go wrong?

Something goes Wrong

With 15-20 minutes to go, there’s last second drama. Something happens to both jeopardize the task that seemed solved, and the new relationship. Maybe the piano is destroyed the night before the play. Perhaps a large portion of the cookies are dropped during the delivery. Typically, these things are easily fixed, but in a Hallmark Christmas Movie, they are amplified to tragedies. It leads to a huge blow up fight and the lovers storm off. Katie typically ends up crying and Woody receives most of the blame. Call me crazy, but huge fights are not signs of a healthy relationship several hours old.

My favorite troupe is when another person causes the fight. Sometimes it’s as stupid as Katie or Woody talking to someone of the opposite sex. A simple conversation would clear any confusion. Instead, there’s a huge confrontation, and baseless accusations. Katie will shout “I thought you loved me!” despite knowing Woody for 42 minutes. All of the movies progress, if you can call it that, will be lost. Christmas is ruined.

Whatever the fight is over, the rival causes it. He will sabotage the task, or make Woody look like a two timer. Often, this is the second of third time we see the rival in the story. You probably forget what the douchebag looks like. No rational person would fall for the clear trap. Fortunately, Katie and Woody can’t spell rational.

The Rival’s Love Gambit

This is my favorite part of the whole movie. Hopefully, its yours as well.

Katie is reeling. Not only is Christmas ruined, but her budding romance is on the ropes. She’s hurt, but tries to go about her day as best she can.

Now, the rival goes on the offensive. Instead of giving Katie the space she needs, he pounces like a shark who smells blood. The rival confesses his own love, and usually tries to take her out right then and there. Now, in universe, this is usually days after her “breakup” with Woody. Sometimes it’s even less time. We also have to consider the rival often was Katie’s ex-lover and caused her current dilemma. It’s amazing.

Katie will turn the rival down. She’ll be confused at first, maybe a bit flattered. But then, the rival flies off the handle. He’ll insult Woody and inadvertently confesses his crimes. Katie storms out, more hurt than before.

Katie has to make a choice. Does she go back to Woody? Or should she stop dating a cardboard cutout with human features? And what about the Christmas task? This is when she’ll have a talk with either her mother, Santa, or the smart ass child. Whoever she speaks to will offer sage advice like “Do what makes you happy.” or “Follow your heart”. Gee, thanks Santa. I never would have thought of the obvious.

As for the rival, we’ll never see him again. He often commits an actual crime to break up Katie and Woody, but there’s no punishment. The Narrative suggests missing out on Katie is the punishment. I think getting to exit the plot is the biggest reward imaginable.

Bullshit Happy Ending

At some point, the writers realize they only have 6 minutes left to wrap things up. The ending happens fast. If you thought the story was questionable before, you haven’t seen a thing.

After Katie’s pep talk, she vows to finish whatever Christmas task she had. She goes to the play, bakery, or where ever with her head up high, realizing this is more important than any man.

Then Woody shows up and she drops everything to fawn over him. The fight is forgotten immediately. The two work together to complete the Christmas task and Christmas is saved. If Woody is a prince, this is where he denounces the throne to live in a 5 horse, backwoods town. The two pronounce their deep, eternal love. It makes total sense.

Occasionally, Katie and Woody won’t be able to save Christmas on their own. Whenever Santa shows up in a movie, he’ll fix all the issues with a literal wave of his hand. You may be familiar with the Chekov’s gun principle. This states if you show something or someone, the object or person must have a use. If Santa shows up, Hallmark believes they can write the story into an impossible corner, and wipe it away with some Santa magic. Also, I didn’t think Santa was a wizard until Hallmark Christmas Movies showed me the truth. Do you think he was in Gryffindor?

Santa’s magic will fix something irreparable (maybe the piano in our play example) and then always makes it snow. Usually the end of the movie proper is Katie and Woody kissing in the snow as Santa takes off in his sled. The young child looks on in awe of Santa, but nobody else cares. I guess the rest of the town has seen enough unbelievable bullshit. They’re desensitized to it.

Most Hallmark movies have an epilogue where Katie and Woody get married. One of the other, less important characters, will be set up for a wedding next. And then the credits roll with pictures of the happy couple. Usually, they play generic, non licensed Christmas songs at the end. I really hope nobody is jamming out to these songs during the holiday. Anyone who does should be fined.

Both leads will now work small time jobs together, and their business will be a huge success. We still get no update on the criminal rival, and any story points left over remain unanswered. Trust me, this is rare; there weren’t many story points from the start.

Unfortunately, our two hours are wasted. We’ll never get them back. Not even Santa, leader of the Ministry of Magic, can rewind time.

Unless it’s related to Christmas of course.

Conclusion

In high school, many of us dissected frogs. I’m not sure why we did, but it was part of the curriculum. This was a dissection of Hallmark Christmas Movies. I wish I dissected a frog instead. It would have been less messy.

Perhaps you don’t care of these movies are formulaic. That’s fine. I understand some people want to enjoy the holidays and watch Christmas movies. But do you have to start in October? And do they all have to be the exact same thing? The only tool in a Hallmark writer’s kit I didn’t mention is copy and paste. That’s really all you need to write a Hallmark Christmas move. Pick a setting, a ridiculous job for Katie and tie it all together thanks to Santa magic. I feel like Hallmark owes me a check for this paragraph alone.

The next time you sit down to watch a Hallmark movie, follow the flow chart and see how close this is. Or, watch literally anything else and have yourself a much happier holiday season****** ⁶.

1. *Excluding my ears
2. **I mean, I at least re-read each post half-heartedly before making it public. That’s pretty good. WAY better than Hallmark.
3. ***This gave me an idea for a future blog post – dating a Hallmark Character. It would be 90% boredom from life always being sugar, spice and everything nice, and 10% contrived drama. Plus you’d celebrate Christmas like 10 months of the year. This will pop up when I run out of ideas
4. **** I almost went with Bob Bobberton because of course I did.
5. *****Not counting the audience who know half a decade ago.
6. ******I almost referenced Peppa Pig again, but gave her one blog off.