Halloween: A Poorly Disguised Chocolate Mess or I Won’t Mask My Dissapointment

Growing up, Young Bloggin Hood was very different. I was, more or less, a stickler for the rules – rarely in trouble, finished all of my homework, and never broke curfew. You know, a boring little wiener child. It’s tough to pinpoint when I became so angry, crotchety and quick to rant on nearly everything. If I could go back and relive that youthful, good natured optimism, I’d likely shatter it and become bitter by age 9.

I’d say most of the anger developed in between the Mets losing the 2000 World Series and the Mets blowing Game 7 of the NLCS. I’m sure the Mets failures have nothing to do with my deep seeded disappointment in most everyday things.

Why is my eye twitching uncontrollably?

While I always tried to follow the rules on a day to day basis, I never thought of any of the repercussions of any “special” event.  When I say a special, I mean something like getting a new toy, or going on a weekend trip. Not exactly something that would break my parent’s bank, but out of the ordinary. As a kid, these days were huge. But I never thought of the means, just the ends. In many ways, this was the reward for being a boring, snot nosed kid who handed his homework in on time and didn’t have his first alcoholic drink until he was 18. Sure, that was still 3 years before the legal age, but I mean, that’s pretty good.

My first drink was a vodka and coke, which is not a legit cocktail. Since my friends failed to realize their shot glass was a double, it managed to taste worse than expected. We’re off topic for an opening on childhood though.

For this opening rant, I want to use Sesame Place as an example. If you’re unfamiliar, Sesame Place is a water park themed after, you guessed it, Sesame Street. There were rides based on the characters, a bunch of pools and even a few poor unfortunate teenagers dressed in costumes*¹. If you’ve never gone, it’s a good spot for kids, but has rides for everyone so it’s not just a glorified child play pen.

I was never a ride person as kid, but ok my trips to Sesame Place, I remember spending a lot of time in the lazy river, hanging out in the playground areas, filled with water toys, and meeting a character. In a perfect world, I’d hang out with Cookie Monster and get the good cookies – the ones only the VIPs get. Alas, that never happened, but it was still fun.

I never even considered my parents/aunts/uncles role in this. Think about how nightmarish the whole set up is for a parent (I’m sure many are nodding). First, you have to leave insanely early with a group of kids, cause let’s be honest, it’s unlikely you’d go to a theme park with just one. Then, you have to sit in traffic not moving, while the kids make a ton of noise and ask the verbal equivalent to nails on a chalk board – “Are we there yet?” When you arrive, you have take out a loan to afford admission. The entire time visiting the park, you panic about losing any of the children, even the weird neighbor kid who tagged along.

Eventually, you have to feed them overpriced slop, and definitely not Cookie Monster’s VIP cookies. Finally, at Sundown, you get to sit in traffic on the way home, where the children sleep, reeking of chlorine, among other toxins. I don’t want to even think of the filth in the pool water at these parks** ².

Did I mention that an adult had to sacrifice a weekend or vacation day to do all this? There’s a 6 pound cherry on a shut sundae.

None of this crossed my mind when I was a kid. I was solely concerned with finding a good inner tube, floating around for a bit and see what Grover was up to. Parents are in a lose-lose situation. They have to do things like this for their children (and probably a few of their friends) but it can’t be good for the blood pressure. You know what the worst thing is? I barely remember Sesame Place now. Sorry mom and dad. But then again, if you read this far and didn’t already yell at me for the language, I assume you’ll over look this.

Another, similar thankless duty for parents is Halloween. At least this time there isn’t long travel tied to it, but it’s still pretty rough. Unlike Sesame Place, I remember Halloween as a kid much more vividly. Let’s look at all the tasks the parents have to go through for about 2 hours of celebration.

1). Costumes – Obviously the crux of the day, Halloween was all about dressing up as your favorite character. Young Bloggin Hood had all sorts of excellent costumes, with my favorites being two of the great characters of all time – Hamm the Pig from Toy Story and, yes, you guessed it Darkwing Duck.

Momma Bloggin Hood put together some excellent costumes over the years. She made the character ones herself, and also made a trash can, complete with cats attached to it***³. I was also a Bumble bee when I was two, but looked like a fat lump. One of my family’s favorite photos is me crying to my father in the bee custom, probably because I looked like a striped egg.

Think about all the work that goes into making a costume at home. The costumes I had were great. I’m sure it took Momma Bloggin Hood hours to make any of these. She claimed to have liked it, but I’m sure she would have preferred to do anything else with her time. Except drive to Sesame Place.

Even if you don’t make a costume and buy one, there’s still time in finding the right one and money. Nothing about Halloween is cheap. As a kid, we didn’t care. We just needed something to wear to collect candy. 

2). Treat or Treating – After working a long day, there’s nothing a adult wants to do more than relax. Instead, on Halloween, their children drag them through a maze of houses, ringing doorbells of strangers in exchange for treats. That sounds incredibly alarming. I didn’t think twice about this as a kid, or question why we didn’t ring certain doorbells. For kids, a bad house would be somebody giving out pennies or raisins. For our parents, the bad houses were the ones who shouted all the time, drank, and/or were required to tell you while they can’t give out candy or go near a playpen.

The concept of Trick or Treating seems so dangerous today, but 20 years ago, nobody blinked an eye. Today, nobody trusts a soul on their own block. I’m not sure if that’s people getting wiser over the years, or society growing to hate each other. Probably the latter. This should be a safe, fun tradition for kids. Instead, a lot of children have Trunk or Treat – done in school parking lots, instead of going door to door. I’d argue this is safer, but it takes little off the hassle for parents. At least this way, you’ll get to know who the cheapskate is giving out pennies.

3). Checking Candy – Even when we were kids, the “candy review” as called it always took place. This is when parents checked the safety of the candy received – making sure no wrappers were opened or anything looked suspicious. I’ve never heard of anybody receiving dangerous candy, but let’s face it, people are crazy. The urban legends were always razor blades stuck in the treats. I don’t know how they’d even get a blade situated in a fun sized candy bar and fortunately I never had to find out. 

I remember being annoyed by this as a kid. I wanted to eat the candy now! Man, I didn’t realize how good I had it. This added additional work for an adult who was already juggling 200+ tasks a day. At least they had one benefit – the candy tax. If a parent wanted a particular piece of candy, they could either eat it, or say there’s an issue and take it away to “throw out”, aka house 15 milky ways in the drive way so the children don’t see. It’s the simple pleasures in life. 

I, as you may have guessed, am not a parent. I’m a 32 year old, childless “adult” who watches a lot of duck related cartoons. My opinions on what parents go through shouldn’t count. They do far more for their kids than they can put into words. What then, is my opinion on Halloween? I’m glad I asked me that.

Halloween is one of the most overrated holidays the second you graduate from college. This is very important. I had always disliked Halloween as soon as I turned 15. In college, my opinion changed. I didn’t understand why everyone on campus was so excited for Halloween my freshman year. But once Halloween officially started, I understood in about 5 seconds. If you don’t know, Halloween was an excuse for college students to wear as little clothes as possible. There were cleavage and mid drifts everywhere. The fact that wearing stands of dental floss constituted a costume was mind blowing. And those were the conservative costumes.

Let’s just say for my remaining college years, Halloween was heavily circled on the old calendar. Don’t get me wrong. Men were also half naked, typically shirtless trying to show as much muscle as possible. College Halloween was nothing more than a human version of a mating call. The only differences was the illusion of playing dress up and some snickers. 

I was not into the whole strip down in public thing. In fact, I only dressed up to attend parties, recycling a “costume” for three years. I wore a pair of funny nose and glasses, and walked around with a cane. When anyone asked me who I was, I yelled angrily at them “Can’t you tell?!” to embarrass them instead of thinking of a story. It worked surprisingly well.

Senior year, I was part of a group Village People costume as the cop. We were authentic, except we didn’t have a biker and the cowboy wore a poncho and a sombrero instead of cowboy attire. Oh, we also had a fireman pretending that there always was one in the group (there’s not). It wasn’t a strong effort, except for the guy who dressed as the Indian. He went in full body paint, later ruining his bed sheets when he went to sleep. Not sure if that’s the MVP or LVP of Halloween. 

But when you’re out of college a few years, and people aren’t willing to go out in public in their underwear, Halloween has minimal upside. I mean, you’re an adult, by the letter of the law at least. You don’t get to go trick or treating as Batman or Scrooge McDuck or, god Forbid, Peppa Pig. Instead you go to work angry and then go home and see your car got egged by some godless punks who then want to take your candy. Not that I’m already angry.

I know, I know, a lot of you love Halloween. Maid Megan couldn’t be more excited for it****⁴. But there’s a lot that underwhelms. If you a kid, it’s a great day where you get candy. If you’re a parent, you get to see your child incredibly happy. If you’re between the ages of 17-25, you’ll probably be somewhere where the total thread count per costume is less than one spool of thread. But for us parentless adults, the downsides are numerous.

1). Decorating – I’m not against decorating in general. In fact, I respect the people who go all out for Halloween, and have their porch, front door and steps decked out. It’s fun to look at. In fact, where I live, a surprising amount of houses participate. But I wouldn’t go all out and here’s why – Christmas is just around the corner.

Should this affect Halloween? No, probably not, but it does. October 1st comes around and the Halloween decorations come up. I’m in an apartment building, so there’s only so much that can go up. But I see those home owners, with pained expressions, placing mannequin after mannequin, ruining his or her back, while knowing deep down, that this is the practice run. What is Halloween decor but the dress rehearsal to Christmas’ main event? That’s all it is. Everyone that decorates for Halloween will go even further beyond for Christmas. And if they don’t they either don’t celebrate Christmas or the town will view them as a grinch.

Pumpkins, mostly known for the spice blend found in everything in the Fall, including tap water, are part of the décor. Carving and painting pumpkins are great, especially for young kids. However, you know what’s not fun? Cleaning up rotting pumpkins. I’ve never had pumpkins growing up, but from what I can tell, the clean up sucks.

Who wouldn’t want to attract bugs into their house just before winter finishes them off? Let’s leave a few rotting pumpkins outside our house and invite insects to make a nest where we live. Let’s give them blankets and hot cocoa while we’re at it.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of keeping these around too long, though that’s mainly outside where teenagers will smash them. Plus, their seeds aren’t very good and pumpkin spice is terrible. Don’t even @ me. 

Halloween now features a rise of the blow up ornaments – typically characters. I think these look good, but take up a lot of room. Every day, groggy residents risk busting their face open on their porch or front lawn tiptoeing around their behemoths. Plus, they need to have air constantly blown in them. Most have a fan attached when they are plugged in for simplicity, but but much are these things costing? Factor that and potential lights, and you’re already paying Christmas electricity money in October. Do you have no shame PSE&G? I suppose not. My solution to all of this – avoid having to decorate twice by buying Nightmare Before Christmas supply. Is it a Christmas or Halloween Movie? Doesn’t matter because now it’s both*****⁵.

2). Costumes – I’m not a big fan of dressing up. If I could live my entire life in basketball shorts and a t-shirt I would. Every morning I battle with the urge to never have to wear dress pants, which in the grand scheme of clothes, aren’t bad at all. So costumes aren’t for me.

I’ve made a lot of remarks about how most costumes are revealing. Well, 20 year old Bloggin Hood could have pulled it off, but refused. 32 year old Bloggin Hood certainly should not. I don’t need people to see undefined muscles and a 40 oz where athlete’s 6 packs are. That’s not good for anyone. Already, we’ve eliminated a suprising number of costumes.

For the costumes I’d at least begrudgingly wear (and definitely blog about), two sizes exist. The first is abnormally large, where everything hangs loose and people assume you’re a melting X, with X being the character you meant to dress at (that’s right, I brought in variables to a blog. What up algebra). This would be fantastic for a Wick Witch of the West costume, but little else.

The other, more common size, is skin tight so you can’t breathe. Not only does this enhance the flabby issue from before, the stuff is painted on. At least if I’m barely covered, the bathroom isn’t an issue. Just thinking about this makes me uncomfortable, and surprisingly itchy.

Couple costumes are a big component of adult costume life. This can range from the simple, clever costumes, lazy ones, and of course, the disgusting, boring, “Look at us, we’re the same person now” costumes. If it’s in the first two categories, I’ll wear it, and I have. Look, in a relationship, you have to pick your battles. Wearing a costume once, or maybe twice a year isn’t the end of the world. But, I cannot approve of people who wear something just to be in a costume. In that same family photo album, my parents once dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy. If you were born after 1970, you won’t know who they are, and I only vaguely do because of the photo. Momma Bloggin Hood looks thrilled while Poppa Bloggin Hood… Oh man. He looks like he lost a 7 team teaser when the 7th game ended on a missed field goal.

I guess my point here, assuming I had one, is costumes can be fine, but once you’re stuck in an uncomfortable mess that only exists to show you’re an item with someone else, it’s not good. Stay strong out there. Also, don’t think this is me being sexist. I know there’s plenty of women out there in the same struggle as my dad all those years ago. Say no to those lame costumes. Go as Bugs and Lola from Space Jam – easy, comfortable, and cheap. Bugs and Lola jerseys are on Amazon and prime eligible… Just saying. 

3). Parties – This is really more of a costume issues because parties are usually great. The problem with Halloween parties is how everything has to be scary themed. I know, what a concept, but here me out. 

There can’t just be food. It has to be themed around the holiday. A lot of things shaped like bones, or colored red. I can appreciate a novelty. You know what else I appreciate? Food that doesn’t make me feel like I’m guilty of homicide. If there’s one or two novelty snacks, I’m good with that. When everything seems like it came from OJ’s house? No thanks.

I mean, a lot of time kids are at these parties. It could be because a babysitter was unavailable but that still counts. Do they really need to be exposed to all this dark, macabre imagry? I mean, by the time they graduate college, they’re going to have to work to 110 just to pay off loans while living in a shoe. Life is going to be scary enough. Let the kids live their last decent years without extra anxiety.

Then of course, there’s the costume issue. Now, you can’t go with something easy, or even topical, because someone else might do it. Nothing is more embarrassing than having the same costume as somebody else. It’s not because your wearing similar things – it’s that nobody else will let you forget it. It’s all your hear about for the rest of the night. If you show up in the same costume as another guest, my recommendation is to change your costume to the invisible man/woman and get out of there. 

There will also be a pair in the third class of couple costumes super proud to show it off. Avoid these people at all costs, especially if you’re single. Then again, if you’re single, it might reinforce relationships should never be forced. In whatever marital status you’re currently in, a tall glass of Kraken will make you forget about that pairing.

Kraken is not a sponsor…yet.

4). Buying Candy – This is the trickiest part of Halloween. I mentioned the awful, awful penny and raisin houses of our youth. Nobody wants to be those people******⁶. The obvious solution is to buy good candy so all the children that stop at your house leave with a big smile. I thought this a few years back. What a mistake I made.

See, with the world being, you know, horrible, kids aren’t ringing doorbells anymore. They get their candy at gifts or specific programs that have volunteers. Everything is controlled and taken care of. I didn’t get the procedure update. Nobody even considered ringing my bell, which is a shame, because I had the good stuff like Crunch Bars, Sour Patch Kids and certainly not candy corn. Now I had 80 pieces of candy and no desire to eat it.

The first hour went well. I only ate 6 pieces. By the end of the week, I was injecting pixie sticks directly into my veins and hankering for more of a sugar rush. In fact, by the time I kick the craving of sugar, it’s typically mid October of the next year, where we end up repeating the same mistake. It’s been this way for 5 years now. I actually picked up a couple syringes on my my home yesterday to make the process I’m easier.

So the debate rages on – Do I buy the good candy in case kids come, and let them be happy, risking a 10’pound weight gain?OR, do I buy mediocre candy that nobody likes, knowing I won’t eat it. I’m leaning toward the former, cause I hate letting kids down, but I’m going to regret it when I weigh myself on Nov 2nd. As we all know, candy is so processed it takes the body 36 hours to fully broken down. No, there isn’t any science behind it. 

Oh, and to anyone who thought I should just have will power to not eat candy, how about you get off your high horse and come back down to reality? Anyone who can resist chocolate and sour patch kids within one’s own house is basically a deity. 

I did consider the bowl strategy. You’ve likely seen it – leaving all the candy out in a bowl on the porch for kids to grab. I think most children avoid apartment complexes, and don’t realize there’s doorbells on the inside of the main door. This relieves me of my candy and lets me believe all the neighborhood’s children got a piece. But I never liked the bowl because it relies on the honor system. Nobody has honor. I don’t blame the children – it’s a free bowl of candy. On the other 364 days of the year, their parents tell them not to touch sweets. Now, it’s encouraged. What do you expect them to do?

I blame the parents for not respecting the bowl. The rule is unwritten,*******⁷*******Except for the written sign that accompanying bowl that say “TAKE ONE[/efn_notebut only two pieces can be taken. Sure, it should be one, but everybody takes two. If you get to three, we might as well live in anarchy. For the record, I’ve never taken more than 2 from a bowl as a kid. I told you I was a nerd.  

I also blame the teenagers who trick or treat in street clothes for their sweet fix ruining the bowl system, but we’ll get to them in a minute.

First, we need a paragraph on candy corn though. Does anyone like this? No, I don’t believe anyone does. I’ve never heard one soul express even moderate enjoyment of these disasters. If obesity had a flavor, it would be candy corn. They are straight sugar and have no flavor at all. Candy corn is the baby corn of the snack industry. There I said it, and I’d say it again. 

5). Vandalism- While young children no longer trick or treat, teenagers certainly do. I think there needs to be a costume involved to receive candy, but high schoolers don’t have time for that. Instead, they might bring a mask and demand candy. If you leav a bowl out they will clear it out without shame. These are also the kids running around with toilet paper and eggs on mischief night. When did egging a house become cool? If you decide to egg the game of thrones writer staff’s house? Sure, I’d look the other way. But the average citizen? Come on man. Nobody likes eating eggs, but smashing them on public property doesn’t help. Stop supporting Big Egg and we won’t have this problem

This is the main fear of providing bad candy, retribution. So, to summarize, fear of property damage will cause me to gain weight. Where can I sue Halloween for trauma?

Also, teenagers, don’t you have homework or acne to occupy your time? Maybe you can be awkward around your crush instead of wrecking houses with toilet paper. But hey, at least in 20 years, it’ll be your house getting egged. Potential by my generation to enact our own vengeance. Sleep with one eye open high school kids. The day of the petty old people is near.

Halloween is a holiday for the youth. They get to dress up as their favorite characters and eat a bunch of candy. Parents sacrifice a lot of provide this joy to them, in exchange for pictures and eating candy. College kids get to ogle each other’s mostly naked body and probably eat candy for breakfast. Then there’s me, the 30 something adult who reluctantly eats candy he doesn’t give out, and has to worry about an omelette on his car. However, it’s not all awful. I get to give bags of candy to godson and younger cousins and there’s no two piece rule there. And in the end, nothing makes me happier than seeing those kids with smiles on their face. Well, as happy as a ranty blogger can be. Plus, I’ll have to drive, missing the delinquents. Maybe that’ll get me through another Halloween. 

I feel stressed. Time for a Hershey bar. I’ll probably only eat one. 

1. *Looking back, the toughest job, possibly in the world, is the person in the Elmo costume. Imagine having to do that during the Tickle Me Elmo craze? All those little kids and their parents probably dropping that line, and you can’t even do anything back? Horrific. I’d have been fired 5 minutes in for an inappropriate Weinstein comment.
2. **What percentage of the liquid is even water at that point? 20%? 10%? It’s basically slightly deluded pee.
3. ***I was not Oscar the Grouch, but if I was, what a great tie in that would have been with sesame place. Why didn’t I lie here?
4. ****And certainly not happy about my college Halloween remarks, however true they were.
5. *****And it’s Maid Megan’s favorite, so I recover from my previous comments.
6. ******If it was a money thing, and it might have been, they honestly were better off not giving out anything. Nobody remembers the houses of people not home. They remember the people who gave out bad treats. Don’t think I forgot about you, Mrs Domingo, and the two penny debacle of 1993.