GOT Review – Episode 4 – Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things

This sounds like a speech they’d give in the Wire. Oh dear. Hopefully Omar makes it out alive.

Summary – Sam joins the Night’s Watch which continues to be about as dysfunctional as Kayne West’s twitter. Tyrion tries to help Bran out (the traitor) and ultimately gets arrested by Catelyn. Ned reads a very long, boring book. Dany slaps the taste out of her brother’s mouth. Bronn and Hodor get introduced, finally bringing some male sex appeal to the show.

Quotes

“There is only one god and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: Not today.” – Syrio Forel

It wasn’t a very strong episode for quotes honestly. This quote is pretty much Forel’s catchphrase, Arya’s “dance” instructor. These words seem to closely mirror some of the faceless men’s believes as well. Now, I don’t believe that Syrio was a faceless man, or have any disillusions that he’s still alive after season 1, but if you were going to explore the theory, this is where you’d begin.

What it does mean is that no matter what happens, Arya is going to keep fighting. There not a lot of joyous times in Arya’s future, but she’s also not ready to die and does whatever it takes to stay alive. Ultimately, she becomes one of the deadliest characters in the whole series, and that’s pretty impressive. While she may not be seeking death, many of her enemies will drop like flies in a few seasons. But for now, she’s just learning how to handle a wooden sword. It’s an Stark (holy crap what a pun) difference from season 7 Arya.

What Worked

Bran – Wait what? This must be some kind of error. Bran never goes to the positive section. Have I been drinking? First of all, I don’t see how that’s relevant. Secondly, there’s some good in even the most vile, disgusting characters, such as Bran. Trust me, we won’t see Bran here very often, but he had some interesting developments.

Firstly, Bran sees the three eyed Raven in a dream. This will become a running theme in Bran’s story line as one of two interesting concepts that he ever gets involved in. Even the fact that this meeting is only in a dream, negating much of the coolest factor, it’s still development. By the grace of the many faced god, this might mean we’ll actually have plot development in this story arc. About frigging time.

At long last, Hodor makes his first appearance. Nobody in their right mind could hate Hodor, and thankfully, his appearances make something worth watching in Bran scenes. Never mind that the selfish child uses Hodor as though he was a horse. Ungrateful shit should go for another ride off the window if you ask me.

Ah, I se my Bran hate is showing again. Best to move on to the next section.

Tyrion with the Starks– I can understand Robb and Bran’s hesitation in trusting Tyrion. The last time the Lannisters were at Winterfell, Bran became crippled. That’s the type of action that gets your family banned from private parties. However, Tyrion honestly wants to help Bran, giving him a way to ride a horse. Tyrion sees Bran a bit like himself – someone who will not get a fair shake in the world, and wants to offer some sort of kindness. Afterwards Robb offers him lodging, but Tyrion calls out Robb for false kindness and decides to stay elsewhere.

On his way out, he messes with Theon, calling him a lap dog of the Starks, and questions what his father would think. I wonder if this planted some seeds for Theon to rebel later on. I doubt it as in the books, Theon’s whole plan was to leave and join his father as soon as possible. He cared about the Starks, but not as much as he cared about ruling. In the show, he’s deeply conflicted. Tyrion plays with Theon’s emotions just for kicks. The two scenes show the depth of Tyrion’s character. He’s not the nicest guy in the world, but he’s more good than evil – a record for a Lannister.

Council meeting – Ned is trying to get things running efficiently. When he walks into the council meetings, you can tell who he likes and who he doesn’t (most of the council). I love the part where Ned is informed the crown is in debt to the Lannisters, but everyone looks at him like he has two heads when he doesn’t see the point of the tournament. This is a tournament which is to celebration his appointment to Hand of the King. How in the World is he not allowed to have a say in that?

Also, Ned walking around with that giant book that Jon Arryn had? That would have gotten him killed or jailed seconds in. It’s not a subtle, light read. I should be complaining about this, but I thought it was so painfully obvious, it was funny.

There was not a lot of positive for me in this episode.

What Didn’t Work

Pycelle – Could Grand Maester Pycelle try to be any less helpful? How painfully obvious is it he’s in the Lannister’s back pocket? Ned asks about the death of the man who helped raise him, and he tries his best to dismiss him. He also doesn’t see how Jon Arryn could possibly be poisoned, before trying to blame Varys if it turns out to be true. I mean, truly an underrated dick in this series. I don’t think Pycelle ever added anything of value in his time on screen, other than making the remaining characters look better. Good on you sport.

Sam’s Chances of survival – I’m not saying Sam chose to be in the Night’s Watch. His father basically told him to join up, or he’s have an accident. And not like the pee his own bed type of accident. The murder kind. He was a dead man either way. However, the other Watch members may be cruel, but they aren’t wrong about Sam’s survival chances. I mean, people are excited to get a shot at hurting him. What are the wildlings or White Walkers going to think.

Later, he confesses to Jon he’s afraid of heights and cannot see long distances. I mean, his strength appears to be reading, and while that’s all well and good, it won’t protect the realm very well unless it’s paired with a few other skills. Sam will grow, but as an out of shape coward, I don’t see him manning the front lines in combat. I mean, Jon and Sam only become friends because they both hate their place in the world. That’s one way to bond. Also, Jon keeps the Night Watch in line by threatening the other members with a date with an angry Ghost if they hurt Sam. Low Key thumbs up to Jon in this episode, but the Sam stuff weighs him down a bit. That wasn’t a fat joke.

Also, Sam is a not so low key hornball, so I mean, that’s not helping his character. His supposed to be comic relief, not the creepy friend from a teenage sex comedy.

Alliser Thorne – On this re-watch, Jeor Mormont has become one of the characters I’ve grown to respect more. He’s a great leader and a rare respectable man. But it’s beyond me to understand how a piece of dogshit like Alliser Thorne has prominence under his command. I’d have chopped the dude’s head off during his first week.

When Sam shows, Thorne mocks a new member of the watch, and immediately sets up a 3-1 fight where Jon has to win a handicap match just to protect Sam from getting his ass beat. Jon, of course, is an overpowered God in the show, so this is no problem. Thorne sees nothing wrong with his plan, because he’s an asshole.

Later, Thorne interrupts Jon and Sam’s bonding attempts, by acting like everyone’s parents. He would tell people he walked up 10 miles uphill in the snow both ways. He says the two of them don’t understand cold and will probably die at the first sign of winter. Nobody is good enough for this guy. He also said he ate human flesh with no shame. Shouldn’t you have shame for that? That doesn’t make you a tough guy – it makes you a cannibal who probably should be in jail. I think I understand why Thorne is an asshole. It’s his body’s reaction to eating people.

Viserys – He might be the biggest bitch in the show. He hits women and then looks like he’s about to cry when Dany fights back. If there’s one thing this show does right, it’s make extremely unlikable characters. I mean, Bran still’s running around for Christ sake. I know he’s not long for the series, but it still feels like he’s been alive 4 episodes too long.

Later Viserys takes a bath with Dany’s hand maid. This completely naked woman, who impressively stayed censored for 90% of the whole scene, gives so many allusions to things coming up in future seasons, it was quite interesting. She was as wise as she was naked. Too bad she’s curled up to Viserys. Then, Viserys flexes his “power” and tells her he paid her to be a whore and to get to work. He is currently the second worst character on the show… I hope I don’t need to explain who’s the worst.

Also, the girl seemed to get turned on more by the dragon’s than Viserys nakedness. I couldn’t blame her for a second. She’s probably a huge history buff.

Gendry – Boy, did they make Gendry jacked like crazy. Ned even says that maybe he should be fighting instead of making the weapons. Gee, you think? He’s more cut than 95% of the soldiers in the series. I don’t think the bastards of Bobby B need much training if they come out of the womb looking like a Spartan.

Tournament – Here’s the first attempt of Littlefinger trying to swoop in on Sansa. It’s not remotely comfortable now and it won’t be until he’s dead. To try and woo her, Littlefinger tells the story of the Mountain and the Hound and explains how the Hound’s face was burnt. Like, I get why the story is told, but why do they have Littlefinger tell it to Sansa. Is this how he thinks courting works? No wonder Ned’s brother beat him within an inch of his life.

We also receive the physical introduction of popular character Gregor Clegame, a man who might have a higher body count in the series than most wars. Here, he very subtly is shown to be a giant horrible bastard, somehow managing to murder someone in a tournament to avoid him talking to Ned Stark. I do like they show the Hound right after, who’s not impressed.

Here’s my big issue with the tournament though – how the hell does it continue after somebody is frigging murdered. In fact, it carries over to episode 5. Shouldn’t a murder stop a tournament? Like, people react, clean up and then it just continues. I get it – the world is brutal, but come on man.

Tyrion and Catelyn – I don’t really understand why Catelyn has to mention all the families loyal to her father here, like Tyrion is. If she wants to arrest Tyrion, she would have the power to do it herself. This too seemed like a penis measuring contest, which is really messed up when considering it was between a woman and a dwarf. Come on show runners. You can do better.

Death – 1

Boobs – 1

Needless Graphic Sex – 1 really sad bathtub scene. She just wanted to learn about history, man.