GOT Review: Episode 30 – Mhysa

Tyrion returns to Sansa afterward, who stares out a window in tears. He tries to talk to her, but thinks better of it and leaves her alone. This is the first time Sansa heard the news. She’s running out of people who she knows at this point. 

That night, Tyrion and Pod are slugging wine. Tyrion orders Pod to keep up, but Pod doesn’t think he can. Tyrion says it’s not easy to be drunk all the time. Cersei arrives and tells Pod to leave. Now Cersei, there’s someone who knows how to slug them back. 

Cersei asks if Tyrion enjoys married life and pours herself wine. She’s already trying to play catch up. Finally, a good drinking partner for Tyrion. Tyrion says Sansa doesn’t deserve him or the marriage. Cersei says it’s a waste of time to worry about what people deserve. Cersei also says there’s no chance she’ll marry Loras, which seems questionable at best, based on what we just saw from Tywin. Cersei tells Tyrion to get Sansa pregnant to make her happier. Tyrion says Cersei isn’t exactly happy, but she says without the kids, she’d have jumped from the red keep. Tyrion asks even with Joffrey, which she confirms albeit with a pause first. 

Cersei talks about the infant Joffrey and how happy he was. He wasn’t a terrible baby in the slightest, always a happy baby. She says nothing can take that feeling away from her, not even Joffrey himself. Good lord he’s trying. 

Tyrion asks how long will this continue, meaning the schemes, murder and shady actions. Cersei says until they deal with all their enemies. Tyrion says every enemy they kill leads to two more. Cersei says it’ll probably go on for a long time then. Not exactly uplifting stuff. 

Rating: A melancholy thumbs up.

Bran’s shitty plot: Well, I guess the good part of the episode is over.

Meera has found another abandoned building and the group decides to stay there. How many abandon buildings can one team find? Are they actually in Camden?

Bran doesn’t want to stay here as he’s heard horrible stories of the place. Of course he has. He tells the story of the Rat Cook, a former cook of the Night’s watch. When the king visited the night’s watch, the Rat Cook killed the king’s son, and served him to the king, who ultimately asked for a second slice. The legend says the cook was turned into a rat by the gods forced to eat his young for all eternity. Bran says this wasn’t done due to murder, but for killing a guest under his roof. The scene shifts to Roose and Walder Frey after. That was a nice touch.

Later, Bran wakes up in the middle of the night as footsteps approach. The entire group is on high alert, but it’s just Sam. Fantastic. Let’s combine the two most boring characters into one scene and speed this along. Meera has Sam subdued with a knife to his neck in like four seconds. Sam sees Summer and figures out who Bran is. He also recognizes Hodor from Jon’s stories. Sam says he’ll do anything to help Jon’s brother. Bran requests to go to the other side of the wall. Maybe Sam can throw Bran off of the top. Bran is great at falling from places he doesn’t belong. 

Here’s another error – San says that he knows Bran because he heard he fell from a window. Aren’t the only people aware of that Bran, Cersei and Jaime? What a painfully obvious oversite. You’ll be surprised this section will get a thumbs down.

Sam says going to the other side of the wall is a death trap and wants to take him to Castle Black. Jojen knows what Sam saw cause he’s a psychic in this scene all of a sudden. He says no one on the other side of the wall can stop the White Walkers. Bran says he needs to go North, and it’s not by choice.

Sam shows Bran the dragon glass he used to kill the White Walker. He explains that dragon glass is their weakness and Gilly tells the story on how he killed one. Bran gives it to Hodor, in the best move that shit’s done in the series. Sam says he was lucky to survive, but there’s many more. He gives a piece to Meera as well. He again tries to get Bran to come with him but Bran declines. Sam is one lucky man. 

Sam shows them, I guess a tunnel to the other side of the wall. This just happens and never gets explained. It’s super anticlimactic honestly. Like, there never been a time the wildings couldn’t figure this out? It should be no surprise I hated all of this. That pattern won’t break in season 4.

Review – One yawning thumbs down.

Roose’s plot: Really, a Roose section? I mean, would you prefer a Walder Frey titles section? I wouldn’t think so.

Walder Frey is eating pie in this scene, right after we heard the Rat Cook story. Again, it’s a nice move. Frey taunts all the people he killed and brags about being the Lord of Riverrun. Roose tells Walder that the Blackfish escaped, but Frey doesn’t care. He insults all high lords for thinking less of him and for his habit of marrying young women. Frey cheers to Bolton, and Bolton says that Robb ignored his advice at every turn. I mean, Bolton’s only advice was flaying people. Honestly, I don’t think Roose gave that much advice and even gave Roose the ok to send Ramsay to Winterfell. Well, history is written by the victors, and these sad dick holes are the winners for now. 

Roose will not move into Winterfell right as it’s in ruins. Roose explains that Ramsay destroyed Winterfell after scooping up Theon. This is really the first time we get Ramsay named in the story as his identity was a mystery. Sorry I didn’t keep that facade up. I mean, if you’re reading the 30th review and get mad at that, it’s on you. The Ironborn delivered Theon to Ramsay, who was supposed to hand him over to Robb as ordered, but never did. He also low key killed all the iron born too. But yeah, Robb was the one who didn’t listen to a man who enjoys flaying people. 

Theon Plot: Ramsay is seen eating a sausage and talking about Theon’s cock… again. I mean Jesus, this is like the 15th time. He even has to explain that he’s not eating it, laughing at it like the deranged man he is. Whenever you play “Is it a sausage or a dick”, you’re probably an unhinged lunatic.

Theon is barely alive at this point, and again it’s established that this is only happening because Ramsay enjoys it. Ramsay asks if Theon feels like he has a phantom cock. I mean, I get people are into different things but all the dick talk actually makes me want some torture scenes to mix it up.

As Ramsay rambles on about wiener to the delight of Old Boy George, Theon asks to be killed. I don’t blame Theon, whether it’s the conversation or his agony. It’s probably one in the same.

Ramsay refuses, saying he needs to keep Theon alive. For what? Not like the Greyjoys give a shit about him. Ramsay says that Theon isn’t a lord anymore, calling him stinking meat. He decides to rebrand him Reek. This is worse rebranding that Kanye West’s latest persona. Theon says his name is Theon and gets slapped. He says it again and gets punched. On the third go around, Theon says his name is Reek, to stop the torture. Ramsay actually doesn’t hurt him that time. What a gentleman. 

Balon has no intention of helping Theon, especially know that he can’t have an heir. He explains this to Yara very matter of fact  as if talking about discarding an old rug instead of, you know, his last son. Yara reminds Balon who Theon is, and Balon counters saying he’s not a man. I mean, this would be the most controversial gender change in television history. There’s no discussion for Balon. Yara declares she will take the fastest fleet she has with the 50 best killers in the Iron Islands and save Theon. Considering this rescue mission never occurred in the books, I have a feeling we’re due for the awful filler in the coming episodes. 

Davos Plot: Deciding not to be a frigging dumbass like everyone else in his storyline, Davos goes to visit Gendry. Gendry doesn’t trust Davos, saying that every time a highborn reaches out to Gendry, it’s trouble. He adds that low-borns aren’t people to the higher-ups. Davos says that he was a low-born and explains he was in Gendry’s shoes, which Gendry doubts. It takes a very descriptive explanation of how shit travels in Kong’s Landing to get Gendry to believe it. Hey, whatever works. 

Davos asks a great question, asking why Gendry trusted Melisandra when he hates high-borns. Gendry says the most honest answer in this series – basically, look at her. Who among us would argue that?

Davos tells his story on how he became a lord – saving Stannis and losing his fingers. Davos only accepted Lordship for his son, wanting him to have a better left. He also has to tell Gendry that his son is dead. Davos blames his son’s death on himself. Probably not giving a lot of confidence to Gendry here. 

Later, Davos is reading letters that come to Stannis. One is an invitation to a birthday, which he knows Stannis won’t go for it. Shireen says her books are way better than the letters. She also corrects Davos’ Pronunciation, which is just adorable. They have a great debate on why there is a g in night. They don’t have a reason. And truly, when you think about it, the g doesn’t work. #droptheg.

One of Maester’s Aemon’s letters makes it to Davos. As he starts reading it, bells begin to go off. Davos goes to see and tells Shireen to bar her door. He goes to meet Stannis, which rarely ends well for him. 

Stannis tells Davos that Robb died via betrayal. Meli says that her faith was rewarded and takes no credit. Davos calls the blood magic evil and says that Stannis is not an evil man. Ehh, I don’t know about that one Davos. Stannis is kind of shitty.

Stannis defends himself by saying the dragons the Targaryens used to conquer Wasteros years ago were also magic, and he will use anything he can to achieve he goal. Counter point – in this series, dragons are living beings and not magical constructs. Going to give the point to Davos. 

Davos argues that one drop of blood killed Robb and there is no need to murder the rest.Melisandra says the death of Robb Stark put Stannis no closer to the throne. To her, murdering Gendry would solve that problem. Of course! Davos tries to reach out to Stannis’ human side, saying that Gendry is a good lad, his nephew, and a poor boy from Flea Bottom like him. Stannis asks what is one life for a kingdom? Davos says everything. Naturally, Stannis decides through Davos’ counsel, the boy must die via fire. God damn it.

Davos has had enough. He goes to the Dungeon that night and frees Gendry. He gives him a rowboat and vague directions on how to get back to King’s Landing, saying Gold Cloaks are easier to avoid than the Red Woman. Davos asks if Gendry ever was in a boat before, and Gendry says no. Davos advises Gendry not fall off the boat. Gendry is confused why Davos is doing it, and he tells him because it’s right. That’s so bizarre in this series. This scene was actually fairly funny, which again, is rare for this series. 

The next day, Davos tells Stannis, while in chains, again, that he released the boy. Melisandra says that he saved one boy at the cost of tens of thousands. Davos says there’s got to be another way, though he doesn’t know what the answer is. Stannis sentences Davos to death, again, but Davos states as hand of the king, he recommends against it. Can’t fault Davos for trying this move. 

Davos says he’ll be needed, and while Melisandra tells the guards to take him away, Stannis stops the proceedings to learn why Davos thinks he’ll be needed. I don’t know, because life is better than dying?

Davos gives Stannis Maester Aemon’s letter, which warns him about the White Walkers and the doom they might face.Stannis shows the letter to Meli, who burns the letter immediately. Doesn’t look good for Davos’ appeal. However, she does say the five king war means nothing compared to the war up north. Davos says they need a man to rebuild his army and acquire allies. Melisandra says that Davos has a part to play in the war to come. Stannis laughs and say that his life was saved by the fire god and that he is “in his army now”. I’d argue his life was saved by common sense and decency, but semantics really.

Varys’ Plot: Varys reaches out to Shea. Oh dear. This wouldn’t end well. 

Varys asks when Shea came to this country. She says 13. Tyrion has stopped whoring and gambling since Shea came into his life, which is good news. Shea says she loves Sansa, but it kills her to see Tyrion as her husband. Varyas says there was never a way Shea would marry the son of Tywin. Shea gets pissed, but Varys is right. Varys is right 99% of the time in this series. Ask the man he has trapped in a box.

Varys gives Shea a handful of diamonds and tells her to get on a ship and leave King’s Landing and start a new life. Varys does this because he believes Tyrion is one of the few people who can make this world a better place, but Shea is… a complication. He says that he understands Shea truly loves him, but puts Tyrion’s life in danger and begs her to find a new life. I mean, is this kind? No. But is Varys wrong? Still no. 

Shea throws the diamonds to the ground and says if Tyrion wants Shea to leave, she can tell her himself. Tyrion honestly has no knowledge of this but will get blamed. Man, good thing Tyrion hasn’t be blamed for something major…At least not in a season. 

Jon Plot: Going for a drink of water, Jon is tracked by Ygritte who takes aim with her bow. Jon says she knew who he was the whole time and he has to go home. Teary eyed, he says he knows she won’t hurt him. She says that he knows nothing, but he tells her he loves her, and she whimpers as she has him in the sights. Ygritte does in fact shoot him in the back, which I totally forgot about. She then shoots him in the leg and another in the back as he escapes. That’s therapy done right. 

Jon makes it back, falling off his horse. Everyone comes running out to reach him but he’s in bad shape. Some of the men carry him inside. I mean, hey a Stark survived! And sure, he’s heartbroken and kind of bloody, but he’s in better shape than Robb, right? That’s good, right? 

Right?

Sam – Sam speaks to Aemon saying that he understands how it looks bringing Gilly and a baby to Castle Black. Gilly calls Aemon a lord but Aemon explains all Night Watchmen renounce titles among other oaths. Sam swears that the child is not his and tells Aemon he respects the oath he took. He argues that we shouldn’t ignore a woman who needs help and says he’s seen the walker. Aemon, who doesn’t really say much in this scene, allows the two to stay as guests for now. He has Sam write a letter that needs to be sent ASAP. Hold that thought for season 4. 

Oh, the baby is named Sam. That’s sweet.

Jaime – Walking through the gate with Brienne and Qyburn, nobody recognizes Jaime, who looks like a poor common man. This is probably the first time a man of Jaime’s statue had this happen to him. You’d think people would notice Price frigging Charming, even if he’s a bit messy.

Cersei is in her room when Jaime walks in, and only whispers Cersei. Cersei is completely taking aback by him, and both stare at his stump. It kind of kills the moment. Still, Jaime is home after 2 full seasons of being a prisoner, maimed and humiliated. He’s in a completely different place as a character than when he left we know he’s not a total dick. 

Dany – Fearful, Dany and her army look on at the gates. She questions if she should have conquered them. Slowly, the people emerge, walking toward Dany. When told she freed them, she says some love their chains. The Unsullied prepare for combat. Missandel gives all of Dany’s titles out and begins to explain how she freed them, but Dany stops her. Dany says she didn’t give the people their freedom, and tells them if they want their freedom, they need to take it back by themselves. The people chant Mhysa, which Missandel explains means mother. Dany tells the Unsullied to stand down and walks toward the crowd. She orders the Dragons to fly. She walks through the army and the people adore her, ultimately carrying her. This is her victory moment as the next few seasons are going to be a painful slow burn. Don’t worry things will get better. It’s certainly a nice moment. Remember that halfway through season 5. 

Man, it’s going to be tough when she turns on Jon snow and they fight to the death in season 8.

Boobs – 0

Death – Countless Northern Men, 4 Freys.

Needlessly Graphic Sex – 0