GOT Review: Episode 22 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Summary – Jon and Mance have a lovely 5 second chat, Jaime and Brienne have their first fight, Robb gets no respect, Catelyn continues to be a bad mother, Bran gets screen time, Arya meets the Brotherhood without Banners.

Quotes:

What worked:

He also calls out Renly for being gay, which Brienne tries to deny, until Jaime clarifies. He couldn’t care less if Renly was gay, and actually compliments those who follow their hearts and love who they love. This is obviously a way for Jaime to justify his incest, but in many ways is an omission. He probably wishes Cersei was anyone but his sister, but he follows his heart. Not really something we associated with Jaime. 

Olenna Wants the Truth –  Margarey, who I’m just realizing wears the same dress in every scene, and I don’t know why she’d be different from the rest of the class, introduces Sansa to Olenna. Olenna is a quick-witted older woman who doesn’t bite her tongue at all. She speaks daggers to those around her and it’s pretty clear by the end of this scene that she is the backbone of the Tyrells. When Sansa says she is sorry for Renly’s death, Olenna goes on a 90 second rant about how he wasn’t fit to rule, how wrong Loras was about him, and takes a shot at Mace Tyrell, her son, for really no reason other than she enjoys it. Olenna cites the succession rule and says that Renly was fourth in line for the throne. Olenna wishes the family hadn’t gotten involved with him but knows they’re in for the entirety of the war. Then, she insists the three women have lemon cakes, damn it. 

Yeah, she’s going to be a treat.

Olenna asks Sansa about Joffrey. She wants to hear the truth from Sansa directly, and heard rumors of some troubling tales. Sansa says that Joffrey is brave and fair but Olenna doesn’t buy this for a second. She knows Sansa is afraid and promises nothing will be held against her for the truth. When mentioning her father, Sansa finally opens up, and says how she truly she feels, confessing that he is a monster. She is then afraid that the wedding won’t happen. Olenna just shrugs and says ah well, and the wedding will go on as scheduled. That worked out for Sansa. Seems like an odd scene, but this is where the seeds are planted for a certain, how to say, poison. 

Our first Warg –  After the discussion that Jon and Mance had, the king beyond the wall takes Snow to a few more of the group’s leaders. This includes Ygritte for some reason, and Orell. Orell has his eyes rolling in the back of his head and seems to be having a seizure. Jon figures something is wrong, but Mance tells him that Orell is a warger, meaning he can jump into animals and live through them. Jon gets mocked for never having met one. I mean, this is like not getting mocked for never seeing a dragon. 

Spoiler alert, Jon is low key one in the books, as is Arya, and obviously Bran. The Stark kids probably can all Warg. I’m kind of hoping that Sansa wargs into a wolf to kill a certain bastard, though her plotline is vastly different in the book so I doubt it’ll happen. 

Orell tells the group that he saw dead crows, looking right at Jon when he says it. These Wildings really don’t know how to make friends easily. Play it a little closer to the vest next time  

Gendry’s Great Point – A pissed Gendry tries to understand the Jaqen thing. He doesn’t understand why Arya didn’t pick a more important name like Joffrey or Tywin and end the war. HMM… sounds like a thought we had before. It’s also incredibly right. This is like when people have a magic lamp and burn a few wishes on random crap like a sandwich, or a new pair of shoes. Make a real wish people.

Arya could have named Tywin, and probably escaped Harrenhall in the chaos. Then, she could have named Joffrey and Stannis and then congratulations, the Starks are the winners… Until Dany comes and wrecks their shit.  

Hmm. Maybe Gendry doesn’t know anything at all. Did you even read the books, dude?

The Brotherhood – Right as the three argue about this (Hot Pie is with them still for some reason), an arrow whizzes by. Here, we are introduced to the Brotherhood Without Banners, a group referenced heavily in season 2, but never seen. They seemed to have been working against the Lannisters, so we’d hope they’re friends to the Starks. I mean, somebody has to be by the law of averages. Thoros, the seeming leader of the group, seems to be a drunk but semi honest man. He claims he doesn’t want to hurt Arya, but wants to know how in the world they escaped Harrenhall. They also feature Anguy, an archer who I always loved in the books. With the skill he shows in both medium, I don’t understand how this guy wasn’t sought after to join one of the 5 king’s armies at a hefty price. Here, he aims his arrow in the air, and tells Hot Pie to start marching or else it’ll land on his head. After he moves, the arrow lands exactly there. Pretty impressive. Arya and the group go with Thoros, who promises food and safety, so they go. 

I will say the Brotherhood comes off as a bit evil in the show, but I think that was to build mystery. I don’t know exactly if the show pulls them off correctly, but I do like the characters, so I let it slide. 

Over Brown Bread and Ale as promised, Thoros questions Arya. Continuing to drink, he asks how three kids got out of Harrenhall. They explain that Gendry is a smith and they fought their way out. Arya tries to show her toughness by showing her sword skills to Thoros, who disarms Arya as a sign that he doesn’t buy it. We don’t see Arya look weak often, so this is telling.  However, after a brief standoff, Thoros agrees to let them go as promised.

A real Cliffhanger – Well, forget about all that escaping crap. Anguy brings in a surprise catch to the inn, the Hound. Thoros and the Hound know each other from King’s landing, and don’t seem to like each other, despite similar drinking habits. Unfortunately for Arya, the Hound is the only person with enough brains to know who Arya is with despite a slight haircut. He asks why Thoros has a Stark and this changes any hopes of a quiet escape.

What I like about this is while it seems too neat, it makes a ton of sense. The Brotherhood, as we’ll find out very soon, were formed after Lord Beric failed to capture Gregor Clagame. And by failed, I mean died brutally (he got better). Now, the Brotherhood captures the Hound, the Mountain’s brother, who was likely drunk out of his mind, vulnerable, and riding by himself. A little far-fetched, sure, but I can buy it and it gives reason for all these characters to come together. An actual well tied plot I want to see more off, full of likeable characters. Who’d have guessed that recipe works? 

Certainly not the writers after season 4.

In his first scene, Bran dreams of the damn three eyed Raven for the millionth time, but now he’s planning on killing the Raven with a bow. About time Bran. Randomly, he starts getting advise from Rob and Jon, who mock him when he misses. Great cameo there fellas. Finally, some weird, sickly kid shows up out of nowhere and says the Raven can’t be killed. You know why? Because Bran is the Raven. Good. That’s exactly what I hoped for. 

Know I screamed out of frustration for 15 seconds after this scene.

When Bran wakes up, heroic Hodor checked in on Bran, but sadly, Bran is fine. Osha wants nothing to do with Bran’s dreams as they are bad news. Kind of like us with Bran himself. 

Because the show writers hate us, Bran is given another scene. Sleeping again, the lazy shit, he is awoken by some broken branches. Osha goes out to investigate. However, the weird sickly kid from the dream shows up, completely unnoticed by Osha… seemingly. However, Summer protects Bran and Osha gets a jump on the kid. In return, another sickly looking person, this one a girl, gets a jump on Osha. This turned into a really bad action movie scene quickly. The sickly boy walks up to a growling summer, and after a mere sniff walks away happy. Is the big murder finally going to happen? Are we finally free!?

No, of course not.

The two are Jojen and Meera Reed. They said they came a long way to come see Bran. That’s like paying money to watch Spiderman 3.

But we’re not done friends. God spits on us, and gives us a third Bran scene. I mean, what did I do to anger him? Was is last week’s delay? Feel like it had to be.  

Jojen explains to Bran that he’s a warg. Good thing we had that much more interesting Warg scene earlier to explain this. He also knows about the three eyed raven, which is different for reasons that can only be described as confusing. Also, Jojen will just keep showing up in Bran’s Dreams. Does nobody else find that creepy? Jogen tells Bran that he’ll have visions of all sorts of things. 

Seriously, nobody else is finding Jojen creey?

Jojen ends the scene by saying he sees Bran in his dreams regularly. 

I mean, what the hell? Seriously? I feel like this was a needlessly graphic scene and it was just two people have a conversation. Blah. 

Robb has bad allies – Robb stares into a fire as Talisa makes fun of him for being so grim. As things quickly turn from playful to getting hot and heavy, shitty Lord Bolton enters. What a cockblock. Then to depress Robb even further, the news is that Catelyn’s father died. Oh, and Winterfell was destroyed, which presumes that Bran and Rickon are dead. If only we could be so lucky. I don’t think there’s going to be any sexy time in Robb’s near future.

Late, Robb talks to Karstark, who thinks walking to the funeral is a waste of time. I get his lost his son, but come on man. Pretend to respect the frigging king in the North. Robb questions if Karstark has lost faith in the cause, and he, again, cites revenge as his reason to continue. This guy is becoming a broken record. How about a little variety, huh? I mean, even the following Theon torture scene doesn’t seem so bad. Karstark says that the North lost the war the day Robb got married. I mean, I would argue they lost the war when their prized captive was released to run free, but what do I know? Man, with friends like this, who needs enemies, right? I mean, am I right Roose? 

Snuff Films – Here we go.

To keep the viewers engaged in Theon’s story, which finally got interesting at the end of season 2, the show had to include…original scenes. When the show goes off the source material, issues tend to occur. And by issues, I mean horrendous scenes passed as entertainment. 

Let’s take this Theon scene. Here, Theon is tied in a cross pattern, and gets waterboarded. When he doesn’t answer, he gets stabbed through his finger with a knife. I mean, Theon did a lot of bad things and was going to get payback. This was clear. But did we need to have a full on torture season for no good reason other than “That’s so brutal”?

Also… HE appears in this scene. A seemingly unimportant, clearly non essential, definitely not pure evil character says that he was sent by Yara to free Theon. Theon has no choice but to trust him, likely because he’s been tortured for weeks  But hey, it can’t get worse at least  

Jaime Loses again – So, this is the portion of the Jaime plot I wanted to save for later. Jaime, the knight everyone in the realm talks about, and a man who defines himself for his fighting ability, loses again. Now, Brienne is one of the best knights in the series. Honesty, there’s no shame in losing to Brienne. She also beats the Hound later on. She’s extremely impressive. However, it’s just a bad look for Jaime, who seems like he’s all talk. We’ll never know what kind of fighter he was, and it seems his season 8 death is all but predictable. Shame. At least Jaime has the excuse that he’s been a prisoner for so long, he certainly got weaker. Still, not ideal. Maybe next time, build up characters based on actions and not words and rumors  

Joffrey Creepy affection – While getting fitted for a suit, Cerse asks Joffrey about how he feels about Margarey. Joffrey calls it a political match, but Cersei wants to know about his feelings for her. She calls Margarey, beautiful, intelligent, but says her caring for the poor is stupid. No really, she does. Cersei believes her caring for the poor is part of a game, and she’s not completely wrong, but Joffrey shoots this down, tastefully saying that women will do what they are told. Boy are both of these characters shitty humans.

Later, Margarey comes to visit Joffrey, and boy did she have a lapse in judgment. Joffrey acts kind for a second, then turns on a dime, saying Margarey shared a bed with a traitor. Margarey says she tried to serve as any wife would, mainly by bearing children, which Joffrey shouts that she failed at it. Margarey tried to play dumb as say politics are lost on her, but she does seem nervous since he’s holding a crossbow.

Jesus Joffrey, chill out. You’re out kicking your coverage by about 7 football fields.

Margarey says that Renly was gay, citing the excuses he gave to not try to have children. Joffrey decides this true, and considers making gayness punishable by death. I mean, he gets worse and worse with every line, and he’s still not close to being the biggest asshole in this episode (I see you Ramsay). Margarey goes along with this, probably because of said crossbow, reminding Joffrey that he is the king. 

Margarey then shows interest in Joffrey’s crossbow, asking for a demonstration. I feel like this isn’t even pretending not to be subtlety sexual. He shoots his crossbow very quickly when Margarey touches it…Again, why did this get sexual for no reason? Margarey then asks to hold his crossbow. I mean, come on now. Joffrey gets excited when asking if Margarey is capable of killing and says he’s love to watch her kill something.

What the hell just happened? Did the show just combined violence and sex into some sort of new activity. What the hell goes on in Joffrey’s head? By the way, the next scene is one involving Theon’s torture adventure. I don’t think that was by chance. God, I hated this scene, and usually anything with Margarey is easy to watch. I don’t feel like I need to explain that line any further. 

Sansa Shut down by Loras –  While Shea and Sansa talk about Littlefinger they are interrupted by Loras. He arrives to have Sansa meet Margarey and Lady Olenna. Sansa is pretty obviously in love with Loras, as you might remember from season 1. As they walk to Margarey, Sansa reminds her of the tournament, and how he gave Sansa. Loras doesn’t remember this at all, basically just smiling and nodding. Owch. I mean, there’s no way Sansa could believe this was legit. 

For the record, Loras doesn’t look like much of a pretty boy in this series, so I don’t know why Sansa is so ga-ga over him. Also, Sansa’s taste in men are pretty awful. First it’s Joffrey. Then, its Loras, who doesn’t like women. Got to work on what you’re looking for in a man. A straight man who’s not into torture and murder is a good start.  

Catelyn, Mother of the Year – In a scene with Talisa, Catelyn discusses why she is creating a fake dreamcatcher. She’s only done this twice before, after Bran’s fall, and another time when one of the children came down with pox. This boy was Jon Snow, who Cat hated the second Ned brought him into the house. She prayed for him to die at times, which might be the worst thing a “good” character has done on this show. Cat calls herself the worst women to ever live, and you know what, Cersei aside, wishing a kid to die isn’t far off from that. Her praying to let him live does not make up for that. Jesus Hector Christ. 

She also promised to raise Jon like her own son if he survived. And then she didn’t. At all. She just hated him as much as she did before. I mean, I think that just makes her an awful mother. I get being pissed at Ned in this situation, though everybody who has half a brain knows Ned’s honor would prevent him from cheating on his wife. But blaming Jon? He didn’t have anything to do with his birth. 

Sam’s rough day – Sam gets ripped on by members of night’s watch for surviving the battle. Rast it’s not fair that he lived and others died. Sam collapses at those words, and is almost certainly dying. Gren and Edd come back to save him. Sam cries that the two didn’t stay with him at the white walker attack and would rather die than keep moving. Come on Sam. What were they going to do against the army of the dead? Ask nicely?

Rast, a true asshole, says they should leave him.  Jeor puts a rest to this by forbidding him to die. As a punishment for being an asshole, Rast must keep Sam from dying. He continues calling Sam piggy. I guess Rast doesn’t own a mirror cause he’s, at best, 80% body fat.

Deaths – 0

Boobs – 0

Needlessly Graphic Sex – 0

When did GOT move to PBS?