GOT Review: Episode 20 – Valar Morghulis

What Works:

Tywin Being Above His Honor – I  loved Tywin here, though it’s subtle. Joffrey gives out honors to some of the heroes in the battle of blackwater. Here, he anoints Tywin as savior of the city and the hand of the king. He also calls him his grandfather so there’s some dubious lies attached to the ceremony. 

Varys Making Moves – Varys goes to Littlefinger’s whorehouse and meets Ros, which seems like an odd decision given his, umm, available equipment. Rod gets naked, cause of course she does, and doesn’t understand why Varys isn’t interested. There’s a pretty funny part where Ros says she can change most men’s mind and goes to grab the previously mentioned missing equipment And when realizing nothing is there, all Varys says is “sorry”.  There’s some black comedy for you.

Brienne Has no Ties – After having to deal with constant mocking from Jaime about her looks, the two come across three hung bodies. They are told by northern men that the women were hung for sleeping with Lannisters. One man is particular mentions one was killed slowly to send a message. 

Brienne absolutely slaughters the shit out of the three. She makes the third one suffer because he taunted about making one of the hung women suffer. Jaime, while impressed, points out that they were Stark men, but Brienne adamantly says she only serves Cat. She then decides to bury the bodies of the hung women before moving on. It was a badass moment and should make things very clear to Jaime that Brienne will not be an easy fight. 

Theon’s Confession – Trapped in Winterfell, Theon sits in his throne room told by Luwin that he is surrounded. Theon’s father has not responded to the situation. Theon still hates the fact that he’s consistently reminded that the Starks treated him well, as he was still a prisoner. Yes, this has been his phrase for the whole season, but again, he’s not wrong. Ned killed his brothers and squashed his father’s rebellion that never had a chance, and he was the captive taken. When he returns home, he gets no love at all. Really, where could he go and feel like he matters? It doesn’t mean this plan wasn’t absolute shit, but at least he has some argument. 

This scene is well acted by Theon, who continues to be stressed out by a Northern horn blower outside. He keeps rolling his eyes at him. And at one point stops his pretty good monologue by shouting out the window that he’ll kill the horn blower, swearing to every god we’ve heard about in the series thus far he’ll do it. It’s a small detail that makes the scene feel more alive and gives Theon much-needed depth. 

Luwin gives Theon council – to run. He tells him he can’t win and to join the Night’s Watch and not go home – where all crimes are forgiven. Luwin knows of hidden passageways to escape. But Theon knows every way out is a potential trap and even the Night’s Watch has Jon Snow who will not  forgive Theon so easily. 

Theon realises he’s done a lot fo shitty things since arriving to Winterfell. Gee, you think? Luwin says he’s not the man who he pretends to be, which is true. However, Theon says he’s gone too far to pretend to be anyone else now. He’s going to see this out to the end. 

One Last Drogo Moment – In the painfully awful House of Undying, we do get one bright spot. In the middle of a blizzard, and an area that seems to resemble north of the wall, Dany walks into a single isolated tent. Instead, she finds a healthy Drogo and her happy child. Dany immediately questions of this is black magic and if she’s dead but Drogo assures her she’s not. Drogo talks similarly to what we’re used to, but it’s softer and definitely seems off. There’s plenty of murder threats but it still doesn’t seem right. Dany wants to give in to this – It’s all she wants. Instead, she recites the curse that Artemis gave at the end of the first season and leaves. Once she does, Drogo stops moving or talking. It’s the hardest thing she probably had to do thus far, and that’s saying something. It shows she’s grown, and it’s well done, but unfortunately it means the House of the Undying plot continues. Woof. 

The End of the Frigging Worst Plot – After getting her dragons back, Dany goes to Xano’s bedroom and captures him, as well as one of Dany’s handmaidens who was in on the betrayal. At least he picked the hottest one. She captures them both and takes them to Xano’s vault. The vault has nothing in it and was all a lie. Both Xano and the handmaiden try to plead for mercy, but Dany has none for them. She locks the two in the vault. Thank god. It’s about time Xano shut the hell up. This also means we’ll be moving on to something hopefully better. I mean it couldn’t be worse, right? 

Right?

Arya’s Chip – Arya’s group finds Jaqen as they walk in the middle of nowhere. He then disappears out of sight, only to reappear. Jaqen says he was waiting for her. Jaqen says he knows all the names that Arya says before going to bed, and says there’s a way she can send them all to the Red god. As much as she wants to, she believes finding her family is more important. Jaqen respects this and gives her a coin. If she finds a Bravosi man and says “Valar Morghulis” the man will take him to Jaqen. Or whoever he really is. This is really where Arya’s plot begins to open. Don’t expect any more naïve little girl going forward. Which is good. This show could use another killed or 20. 

The Plot Apporaches – Sam, Gren and Edd are still digging in the snow. Sam continues to talk about Gilly, which drives everyone nuts. He probably talks about her all the time. He’s like a middle school kid with a crush. It’s cute if you’re into sweet things. I’m not. 

Suddenly, the men hear three blasts, which means a white walker attack. Gren and Edd run but Sam has no hope of keeping up, tripping as he kind of waddles. Sam isn’t built for speed. Sam looks in the distance and sees a dozen walkers march toward him. He sees one of the walker generals, the ones with the super blue eyes, and he makes eye contact with him. The walker gives a shriek and the undead army, now in the hundreds, march past him. I mean, here we go. That’s a great ending to the season. We’re going to eventually see some crazy battles between the two factions. This is only a tease but it’s the right way to tease this. 

What Doesn’t Works:

Tyiron’s Bad Recovery –  Not only does Tyrion wake up with a brutal scar, he also has to see Pycelle’s mug as he comes to. Pycelle gloats over Tyrion, telling him that the Lannisters only won the battle because of Tywin. He also gleefully informs Tyrion he is no longer the hand of the king. He ends the scene flipping a coin at him saying “for your trouble”, much like Tyrion did with Pycelle’s whore. What a dick. Like, I get that Pycelle has a grudge against Tyrion, but that’s because he’s a huge piece of shit. Bad start to the recovery. 

Varys later visits to advise that Cersei ordered Ser Mandon Moore to kill Tyrion. He also tells him that Bronn has been stripped of his authority over the city watch and the Tribesman, who really missed out on screen time in this series, are also gone. Varys also says the two men will likely not see each other for some time. Varys’ last words are that many know Tyrion saved the city, though he’ll never receive honors or be recorded in the history books. He sends Shea in. This is sad: the Tyrion and Varys dynamic was fantastic. Who will Tyrion banter with now?

Well, there’s still Bronn. We’re probably fine.

Shea removes Tyrion’s bandage and reveals a large gash across his face. It’s not pretty, but it’s better than losing a nose. Shea tells him he’s a mess and Tyrion gets mad at her. Shea offers to leave with Tyrion and go to the free cities, saying they don’t belong there. It sounds like a good life, but Tyrion says he can’t. Tyrion says what he’s good at is out talking and thinking the bad people of the kingdom. He says it’s the best thing he’s ever done. Shea tells Tyrion she will not leave if Tyrion says. Tyrion breaks down and cries. Boy, will we feel emotions about this relationship, but for completely different reasons. 

Rehearsed Lines – As Joffrey continues to give out honors, he picks Loras Tyrell, completely at random. Loras can have any request be granted for his help. He chooses to have their two houses merged into one. Margarey joins in, adding she has loved Joffrey from afar, and uses not at all veiled sexual language. Joffrey clearly is more into Margarey than he ever was Sansa, and I mean he’s an evil piece of shit, but at least he still have some non bloody tastes. However, he is still engaged to Sansa.

Enter Cersei, who says it’s best to forget about Sansa, who is the son of a traitor and marry Margarey. Joffrey says he took a holy vow, but Pycelle, who needs to be involved for reasons that can only be described as shitty, advises that the pact was made prior to the Starks being traitors. The crowd demands that Joffrey marry Margarey, and Joffrey accepts ser Loras’ request. 

Littlefinger, Master of Good News – What the poor stage prediction means is Sansa no longer has to marry Joffrey. That sounds frigging amazing. As she walks away, she begins to laugh, feeling free. She might actually be able to go back to living a life without anxiety and fear.

Littlefinger arrives to shit on this parade. He’s tells Sansa Joffrey is still going to beat her and try to have sex with her. Most importantly, she will not be going home as she’s the Lannister prisoner. Littlefinger says that Sansa reminds her a lot of Cat (oh crap that’s not good), and he advises that he’ll help get her home. Sansa says Kings Landing is her home. Littlefinger calls her out and says she is surrounded by liars and everyone is better than her at it. This is true. 99% of Kings Landing are full of awful people. Even the ones we like are murderers, liars and greedy assholes. Sansa might somehow be in worse shape now.

Shakespeare Must be Pissed – Robb tells Cat his plan to marry Talisa. Cat reminds him of his vow but Robb doesn’t fear Walder Frey, which is fair. He’s like 400 years old. A deep breath will likely kill him. Cat says that didn’t fall in love with Ned right away. It took time to build his relationship. She also adds that breaking oaths is reckless behavior. Robb says he only has one living parent who has no right to call anyone else reckless referencing Jaime and storms out. That’s an “oh snap” moment.

So what does Robb do? He and Talisa get married under a weirwood true. Wow, this show made Robb’s plotline into Romeo and Juliet, except instead of multiple suicides, it was multiple betrayals that did them in. I’m just realizing this now. Disapproving parents, dire consequences, powerful families – I mean, did they pay royalties for this? Shakespeare’s estate should sue. 

Stannis’ Flip Flopping – Our first look at Stannis after Blackwater is not pretty. He is furious at Melisandra, saying that he lost and all her predictions were lies. He’s haunted by the men who died for him, and horrified for the first time that he killed his brother. 

Stannis is so ticked off as Melisandras sass that he begins to choke her, and asks “Where’s your god now? Will he save you?” I mean, this is pretty dark. While choking, she says “Inside you” with close to her last breath which makes Stannis stop. 

According to Meli, the war will last for years, and Stannis will betray his men, his family, and everything, but in the end it’ll be worth it because he will win and is the Lord of Light. I mean, that stuff is all new and she’s never hinted at any of it. And Stannis doesn’t even question any of these horrible things. He just says nobody can know. We’re going to cover up all the wrong doings? That seems like the actions of a deserving king.

Meli tells him to stare at the fire which he, accurately states all he can see is fire. Good job Stannis. But as he keeps staring, Stannis must see something, because he is speechless and his eyes grow wide. Seems like he’s a convert now. Or at least obsessed with burning things. Great. So you went from a near murder to being a completely devoting person in 3 minutes. Does anyone see the issues here? Cause there’s a lot of issues here. 

Theon’s Hype Just Dies – After his confessions to Luwin, Theon speaks to his remaining men. He seems to rally his troops, saying that they’ll likely die, but they will take hundreds of Northerners with him. The men will be sung about for years. He names all his men, impressive because I didn’t know many had a name at all. He also promises a statue for anyone killing the horn blower…

But then, Dagget knocks him out and everyobody else was in on it. The whole rallying was fake. Dagget then “kills” Luwin with a spear without a second thought and drags Theon out in a sack. This killed a plot line finally growing interesting.

Again, this whole plot works so much better if they made Dagget, Ramsay, or at least the original Reek who gets murdered by Ramsay at the end. This way, it’s just bad. 

The Showdown are the House of Undying – At the climax of the House on Undying plot, Dany finds her three dragons, chained up in the middle of the room. There, she is surrounded by Pyat Pree who somehow chains Dany up (it is not kinky, pervs) and duplicates himself about seven times. Seems like Dany is screwed. 

Plastic Surgery – Right before Jaqen takes off from Arya, he shows her one last thing. Saying the man Jaqen is dead, and hearing Arya say Valar Morghulis, Jaqen changes Joan appearance to a completely different face and leaves. Now, I know that this is Jaqen’s whole character. But it’s still frogging dumb. Wearing someone’s face doesn’t give you a new face. It means you’re wearing a disgusting gross mask and might be a cannibal or serial killer. I don’t care if this is direct from the books. It never should have existed. These men should have been about stealth, not using vintage Bugs Bunny tactics. 

Somehow, Qhorin was worse than Pyat Pree – Here we go again. 

Jon is being badgered by Ygritte along the walk to Mance until he taunts her and dodges one of her strikes. He taunts her for never swinging a sword before. I wish Jon meant that sexually just to get back at her, but he sure didn’t.

In the chaos, Quorin frees himself from the line and goes to attack Jon full on. There is no stated plan, just attempted murder. The Lord of Bones lets the fight happen. Ygritte throws Jon a sword to protect himself. That’s sweet.

Jon seems more concerned with defending himself, while Qhorin taunts him for being a traitor, mocks his father and his “whore” mother. Jon ultimately disarms him and kills him, probably because he was so pissed off at how douchey his opponent was. Qhorin’s last words were “we are the watchers on the wall”. The Lord of Bones says to burn the body as they don’t want that one coming back. Ygritte seems utterly impressed that Qhorin could be killed at all and will introduce him to Mance.

Ok seriously, what the frigging hell was this? In the books, Qhorin does this after giving Jon his plan. Jon needed to infiltrate the Wilding camp, and this was how to earn their trust. Here, I think that was the intent, but if I came in with no previous knowledge, I’d have assumed Qhorin just wanted to kill Jon. It’s honestly awful. Qhorin might win the LVP. 

Were Qhorin’s last words supposed to be a clue? I mean, it sounds like a taunt or a curse that Jon killed a brother. I hated how they treated this guy. Truly, one of the worst adaptations in the series. God it’s a tight race for LVP. I’m really going to have to think on it.

Death – Three Northern Guards, Luwin, several Stark guards I think, Pyat Pree, Xano, Dany’s best looking handmaiden (RIP), Qhorin.

Fun fact, I initially forgot to list Qhorin before editing. It was also the last scene I wrote about. I really hated that guy, huh?

Boobs – 1

Needlessly Graphic Sex – 0