GOT Review: Episode 14 – The Garden of Bones

Summary – Sansa is tortured for the 19^th time already. Robb gets the hots for a doctor who chops off limbs. Littlefinger tries to spit game at Cat. Two brothers have a nice chat. Davos and Stannis expand on their weird relationship. Arya becomes a Lannister cup bearer. Tyrion picks up an informant. Dany meets knock off versions of our main characters. Joffrey is a frigging sadist. Davos witnesses a birth.

Quote : Stannis Baratheon: You were a hero and a smuggler. A good act does not wash out the bad, nor a bad the good.

Here is a quote that shows the type of king Stannis would be. He is strictly a servant of the law. Despite the fact Davos saved Stannis and his men’s lives with his smuggling, Stannis punishes him for it. Now he did reward him too, but at the cost of half of a hand.  Either way, this quote is the type to make me shaky on a potential Stannis reign. Sure, he’ll follow the law and won’t abuse his power, but laws are meant to be interpreted, especially with that kind of power. He’ll struggle being a beloved king if he follows everything to a t.

What Worked –

Talisa – Not worrying about Robb’s feelings, a doctor?… Medical woman?…. Witch?… I don’t really know what you call a medieval healer…

Let’s go with a medieval healer then. She’s definitely not a maester. Maybe she will be when she gets a little older though.

So anyway, a medieval healer is trying to amputate a Lannister leg but the man refuses help. Robb lays him down saying if it doesn’t cooperate, he dies. Roose Bolton says this is a waste of time as it isn’t even one of their own men. Roose actually has a good point. They really can’t afford to give up supplies for the enemy. But that’s not Robb’s game. Robb’s all about honor and will show mercy to the enemy if he can. He also can’t take his eyes off this girl. I mean, he stares at her with his mouth open while she cuts off a dude’s leg. If you’re attracted to somebody in this circumstance, you got it bad. Robb sure got it bad.

The healer’s name is Talisa, and she isn’t afraid to voice her opinion on war to the king. She says none of the men killed put the sword to Ned and calls him out for not having a plan post war – He doesn’t want the Iron Throne nor does he know who will sit there if he wins. Talisa is from Volantis, so she doesn’t follow the normal customs of Westoros, which typically include groveling to the king. I have a feeling we’re see more of Talisa. A lot more in fact.

Everyone hates Littlefinger – These scenes were certainly better than anything Everybody loves Raymond ever produced. Props to the writers for writing a few original scenes that don’t make me want to curse Martin’s name for not writing a new chapter in 17 years.

When meeting with Renly, the self claimed king straight up says he does no tlike Littlefinger. He asks if he let Robert’s body get cold before he began working for the Lannisters. Little finger ignores this and tries to play up that Renly has friends in King’s landing and depending on how he acts, the gates may be opened when he arrives.

Next on the shit list, Littlefinger talks to Margarey where he quickly pieces together she sleeps in her own tent instead of with the king. He also questions why Loras spends so much time in Renly’s quarters. I’d say this is extremely observant of Baelish, but it’s basically common knowledge in the series. He also calls out Margarey for not being bedside with Renly after the wedding, a huge break in tradition.

Margarey, ever the politican herself, calls out Littlefinger for never being married and actually explains the concept of marriage because, as she puts it “It seems to confuse you”. She let’s him know that Loras is a member of the King’s guard and should be by her side and she will be wherever the king wants her to be. She toes the line and avoids giving any info that she shouldn’t. She knows how to play the game as well, if not better than Littlefinger.

Later, Cat is greeted by Littlefinger, and she is pissed, especially when Littlefinger has the audacity to say he wanted Ned to rule as Lord Protector. Littlefinger tries to ease her anger by saying he’s always loved her and fate has given them a chance to be together. I mean, the balls on this guy. Cat pulls out a knife on him, so that play didn’t work.

With his sex play thwarted, Littlefinger plays a new angle – Cat’s daughters. He says that he knows both Arya and Sansa are safe, which is a lie he covers as he avoids stating the Lannisters have both. Littlefinger offers the two girls in exchange for Jaime which Cat knows Robb will never go for it. In war, two young girls for a kingslayer isn’t a fair deal, though by season 6 , Arya is definitely more deadly than Jaime ever was. As a sign of good faith originally suggested by Tyrion, Littlefinger gives Cat Ned’s remains.

These scenes show how little of a shit Littlefinger gives and how much he lies to try to acquire more power. But this is one of the first times his webs seem not to get him anywhere, until he brings in the daughters. That seems like a complete shot in the dark that should not work, but, as we’ll see soon enough, it does. If Renly and Margarey succeed in the war, there’s little chance Littlefinger will have any sort of power. He needs the Lannisters to win.

Arya’s List – Before falling asleep, Arya recites her list for the first time. Currently, it’s rather short – Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne and the Hound. This list will evolve over time, but we see she picked the habit up from Yoren after his pre murdered speech in the last episode. It’s a way to honor him, I think. We’ll also see more and more names added as the series continues. In this episode, we see popular character the Mountain get added after selecting a child to frigging murder each day. We also see Polliver, the man who I believe stole Arya’s sword, punch an old woman and quickly join the list. It’s an obvious addition, but one that defines Arya to a T.

Tywin’s Wit – Things aren’t looking up for Arya’s band of misfits. Yesterday’s torture victim has his head on a spike and today, Gendry was chosen. The Tickler, truly one of the worst nicknames of all time, asks the same series of questions ever day, about riches and where the Brotherhood is. Gendry truthfully has no answers, but it wouldn’t matter – he’d die even if he spilled the beans on everyone.

In an ironic twist, Tywin Lannister’s arrival spares Gendry and Arya. I suppose Hot Pie too. He quickly puts an end to the torture saying they can be used for work, aided when Gendry says he’s a blacksmith. He also has 18 inch biceps, so I’m sure he’d have a use no matter the trade. Tywin also figures out immediately that Arya is dressed as a boy but is a girl. Frigging thank you! He even compliments her for doing so, knowing it’s safer to travel as a man. Tywin chooses Arya for a cup-bearer immediately because she seems more intelligent than the rest. It would have been extremely ironic if Arya was the one to kill Tywin. For a moment while writing that, I was going to consider making this a prediction. But yeah, that’s not possible for reasons that can only be described as “crossbow arrow while taking a dump”.

We will see different sides of Tywin in the next four episodes, and a lot of it is ulgy, but here, we can see this isn’t a dumb, angry man. Yet he employes bloodthirsty monsters under his rule. It’s a bizarre contrast, but one that makes sense for the most powerful man in the world. I like that the show gave Tywin more screen time over the books – especially with how good of actor Charles Dance is. He crushes this part.

Tyrion Catches Lancel Red Handed– This is a funny title because Tyrion is the Hand of the King you see…

When Lancel comes to demand the release of the imprisoned Pycelle, Tyrion begins a series of questions before realizing that Lancel is spending his nights with Cersei. It didn’t take long for Tyrion to piece that together. Lancel tries to excuse himself from blame by stating he was only following Tywin’s orders to do whatever Cersei told him. Something tells me he didn’t mean cousin on cousin action. This isn’t Arrested Development for crying out loud.

Tyrion threatens to go to Joffrey, which leads to Lancel begging for mercy. Tyrion decides he will, but only by making Lancel his spy. He will release Pycelle in exchange for info on Cersei. It’s another clever move – finally a hand that knows how to play the game.

Davos and Stannis – These two men have such an odd relationship that we learn more and more about in preparation for the battle of King’s Landing. For instance, Davos was punished by Stanis for being a Smuggler. As punishment, Davos lost several knuckle bones on one hand. Right after, Stannis knighted Davos and made him a key advisor. Davos keeps the bones as a necklace he wears at all times, calling it his luck. Stannis doesn’t understand this at all, and yet he’s the man who passed the sentence. It doesn’t make much sense.

Davos is so devoted, he doesn’t question Stannis’ order to smuggle the red woman ashore and does not discuss it further. Davos doesn’t like the Red woman. He doesn’t trust her, nor does he like how smitten his own son is with this strange religion that focuses on burning people alive. Still, like the loyal knight he is, he’ll listen to his king. Don’t get it twisted, Davos will call out Stannis for things he disagrees with – it happens all the time. But nobody has Stannis’ back like Davos does… for now.

Baratheon Showdown – Renly and Stannis meet for a modest discussion. Stannis has created his own new family symbol – a stag lit on fire. Call me crazy, but that seems like a bad sign for your family if your animal is being burnt alive. Meli explains that this is to honor the red god. Renly doesn’t take any of this seriously, mocking Stannis for letting the red woman do his talking for him. Renly adds that nobody wants Stannis to be king and he’s lived a life without friends. That’s cutting deep.

Stannis questions why Cat is with Renly while Ned supported his claim to rule. Cat says they have a common enemy, but Stannis sees all who don’t support him as a foe. Stannis will give Renly one night to reconsider, “for the sake of the mother who bore us”. He offers Renly’s old seat in the council and to be his heir until he has a son. Renly sees this as a joke based on the amount of men he has. He doesn’t see any threat here at all. Renly is furious that Stannis won’t back down, saying “I loved him once”.

This was the only time we’ll see the two brothers talk to each other, and it’s kind of sad it’s under these circumstances. There’s no love lost between the two of them, and on the “positive” only one life is going to be lost as a result of this showdown. It’s kind of an important one though.

What Didn’t Work:

Roose Bolton Fray Fetish – This episode marked the first full appearance of Roose Bolton. He may have apepared earlier in the series, but now he has a bigger presense in Robb’s army. Here, Bolton recommends Robb flay his enemies in order to get imformation on the Lannister army. If you don’t know, Flaying is more of less removing the skin from the victim, and likely torturing the exposed tissue – and not just with salt. It’s a completely sadistic tactic – one which Robb states is outlawed in the North. Roose doesn’t seem to acknowledge this.

When you think about it, maybe having the Boltons, who have a flayed man as their house symbol, isn’t the best ally. They seem to be, you know, the torture and pillage type. Almost like they belong with the Lannister jackasses…

Sansa getitng Tortured again – Joffrey aims a crossbow at Sansa, blaming her for the Stark victories at war and calls her a traitor. This is how the scene opens. It doesn’t seem like this is going to get any better. It doesn’t help that Shitty Lancel, before Tyrion made him his personal spy, makes the outrageous claim that Robb’s army is full of cannibals. Joffrey states he cannot kill Sansa per his mother’s orders, meaning he’s requested to do so before. He orders Meryn Trent, noted piece of shit, to punch her in the stomach twice, then rip off her clothes. She is well under 18 in the story at this time. Until Tyrion arrives, nobody assists in helping her, including the Hound, which still pisses me off a bit. We don’t really get that “love” angle in the show. Maybe I mis-remember, but that seemed to be a bigger part of the books.

When Tyrion arrives he threatens that Bronn will kill Meryn Trent, and I’d imagine Bronn wins that fight. He apologizes to Sansa for Joffrey and asks if she’d like the wedding called off. Sansa refuses and answers politically – she has no choice.

The problem with Sansa scenes now is not that Sansa is selfish – it’s that they are so unconfortable and cruel, they’re tough to watch. It’s rare they even include entertaining side characters. I mean, the most common characters Sansa shares scenes with are Trent and Joffrey. Not the ideal cast list.

Tyrion’s rejected gift-  Bronn recommends getting Joffrey laid to calm down his rage. While it’s graphic, it’s honestly not the worst suggestion I’ve heard. He also says that it won’t cure him being a “see you next Tuesday”. Yeah, I’m not dropping that word, even if it’s an accurate description for Joffrey. This is also one of the more famous quotes in the series, but it’s a little too crude to get a write up on. And this comes from the guy who uses shit like 6 times a write up and bashed Peppa Pig twice.

The Hound meets Joffrey and tells him that Tyrion left him a name day present – two whores. Joffrey decides to make the two women touch each other and watches like a creep. Ok, very creepy, but at least it’s not murder. Then, he wants to see increasingly violent acts. I don’t think this is going to end well for either of them. This gets super uncomfortable quickly. Joffrey actually forces Ros to beat her partner with a Stag Club at Crossbow Point – If that is a term. So yeah, Joffrey’s not really into sex. He’s getting off on violence. Maybe that whole incest thing actually affected his brain.

Lannister Torture – The captured kids make it to Harrenhall, where there’s a lot of screaming and torturing, which doesn’t sound ideal. A woman discusses that her whole family has been tortured and killed over the past three days. The Lannisters are killing a person a day.

Now, we talked about how Tywin ended this prematurely, but let’s go into detail about the damage these shit heads did.

The torture set up is pretty horrific. The Tickler, again, horrible name, asks very specific questions most people will not be able to answer. I will add that since most of the captives are poor folk, I don’t know how much loyalty they would have – unless they are all from the same village which makes this a moot point. Anyway, after three questions, typically coupled with “I don’t know” answers, they begin dumping rats on their chest trapped in a barrel. then after a few more unanswerable questions, they light a barrel on fire, agitating the rats. The victim we see actually gives information on who assisted the Brotherhood, but they still kill him via the rats. This is strictly a set up for murder. It seems all Lannisters get off on torture. I wonder what Tywin is into then.

Actually, no. No I really don’t. Don’t answer this.

A New Mountain that Rides- It turns out the Mountain is the one picking who gets tortured and killed. It seems like a job suited for a brutal asshole. However, there’s something off with this Mountain.

It turns out this Mountain is not the Mountain from season 1. This is our second cast change. I guess being one of the worst, murderous fictional characters in history is taxing on people’s conscious. This won’t be the last Mountain either, not be a long shot. I think we end up with four, though it might only be three. Considering he’s more or less a silent character, this isn’t the worst thing, but the Mountain has a decent amount of dialogue in a few episodes. It makes the change more noticable. Stick to silent murders Gregor.

Fake Varys – At Qarth, Dany’s ever shrinking party is met with dozens of soldiers. So much for being greeted with open arms. A bald fat man, who’s known as the spice king, greets them. He will be referred to in this series as Fake Varys. He introduces the 13, the people who run the city. The 13 want to see the dragons in exchange passage through the gate. Dany does not want to show the dragons off, but they will not let her in without it, going as far as to turn their backs and walk away.

Dany gives a passionate speech about how if they are turned away, Qarth will be the first city to face her dragon’s wrath. Fake Varys doesn’t see this as a threat since they may die. However, gentleman Xaro comes to the rescue, saying it’s not Qarth like to turn away a little girl (probably not ideal). Xaro vouches for Dany and her people, and cuts his hand for a blood oath. This allows Dany in, much to the dismay of fake Varys.

You know what the problem is with Fake Varys? Actually, you probably do since it’s in my name for him, but I’ll explain anyway. He comes off like Varys – a lot of wit and flowery language, except he’s just worse in every way. There’s no mystery to his intentions – he wants power and the dragons… surprise. He’s just not a good character, and we’ll get a lot of him in Qarth. Oh joy.

The Scene – I… I don’t really know where to begin. I guess I’ll have to summerize to diminish the trauma I experienced.

Davos rides with Melisandra, who asks Davos several questions. She asks if Davos is a good man – Which Davos cannot answer saying he’s a mix. Meli believes she is good – a knight in her own right, which Davos casually dismisses. Meli asks if Davos loves his wife, and asks if he has known other women – I assume in the biblical sense. Meli also says Davos will see what’s under her robe. That’s a bit forward for a lady who’s supposed to be a priestess. Davos calls out that Meli does her work in the shadows despite serving the Lord of Light. Meli says that shadows cannot exist without light. That’s actually true. I feel like Meli made some good points so far. That all goes away in about 5 seconds.

Melisandra takes off her robe. I mean, she wasn’t kidding with Davos. We expect this to be a horrific sex scene, but instead, she is 9 months pregnant. Stannis did have sex with her in episode 12, but that was a few days ago, right? What the hell is going on? Did I not pay attention in sex ed enough to understand this scene?

Suddenly, Meli begins giving birth (though the faces she gives do not look like she’s giving birth) and then, just before I wonder if Davos can serve as a midwife, possibly the most questionable Game of Thrones scene occurs. Meli gives birth to a shadow. It looks like runny poop. I mean, on first glance, I thought she shat out a demon. In fact, I wonder if that’s what actually happened. The shadow growls and disappears to end the episode. We have to wait a week (or a scene of actual show time) for the payoff.

Now, I won’t pretend this wasn’t in the books, but what the hell was this? Why did I need to see a pregnant woman shit out a shadow in graphic detail? Poor Davos. I think this might be why he’s one of my favorite characters – he had to witness the same atrocities I did. I wish this had just been described via a story and not shown at all. Would have made me feel a lot better. A LOT better.

Death – 2 Lannisters in the opening, a lot more afterwards, the lunch I vomited after watching the scene  

Boobs – 2, including a pair of pregnant ones. Smoke baby pregnant

Needlessly Graphic Sex –0 Unless you count a snuff film as porn.