GOT Review: Episode 11 – The North Remembers

And now a full season without Ned Stark. Prepare for regicide like you haven’t seen before. Unless you watched the first season. If you did, you’ve probably seen regicide like this before.

Summary – Joffrey is a complete inbred piece of shit. Tyrion flexes on everyone at court the second he returns. Dany has three dragons, and absolutely nothing else. The Night’s Watch meets up with yet another horrible bastard. We meet Stannis Baratheon, my main man Davos, some crazy zealots, and a red women who loves getting naked and having sex for religious purposes. Robb Stark is a badass. Bran gets screen time.

 

Quote

Jaime Lannister: Three victories don’t make you a conqueror.

Robb Stark: It’s better than three defeats

 

We’ll have plenty more on how awesome Robb continues to be in this write up, but this was probably the peak of Joan performance. It may be easy to talk to a man in chains, but still, this is Jaime Lannister, feared knight and son of the scariest man in the country. However, he was also the first LVP of this series’ recap. Being a true man of culture, Robb likely read through my season 1 summaries and felt no fear talking shit.

Jaime is a lot of things thus far in the series, and while disappointing is high on the list, he’s still not a man to be messed with. He has stated multiple times he does not fear death, and based on his actions, there’s no reason to doubt his words. But boy does Robb make Jaime look like he’s ready to shit himself. Throughout season 2, we’ll see Jaime out talk everyone even while in these chains, but there’s no question Robb one ups him here. Had the series turned out differently, I think people would have talked about Robb throughout the seven kingdoms the way they did Jaime, you know, minus the kingslayer and incest. The hype for Robb is going to regress soon, but while it’s here, sit back and enjoy it.

 

What Worked

Tyrion Not Giving a Single Damn – Right after Ser Drinksalot was spared, Tyrion walks in with a new found swagger. He makes sure to offer sympathy to Sansa for losing her father right in front of Joffrey, and remind the king that he should sympathize as he just lost a father as well.

Bobby B is barely cold in his grave but that death feels like a century ago, doesn’t it? Yeah, we don’t get to ligner on deaths too much other than Ned’s.

Tyrion tries to confort Sansa, who has her political rhetoric on point. Joffrey is confused why Tyrion is even at king’s landing, and he’s going to piss when he finds out why.

At his first council meeting as Hand, Tyrion quickly finds himself in a one on one standoff with Cersei, a regular occurrence during this season. Tyrion calls out Cersei for allowing Ned Stark to be killed and scolds Cersei for not doing more to prevent it. He also points out how much of a threat Robb is, but Cersei doesn’t listen at all. Tyrion burns her with the following: “You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality, other than your cheekbones”. When Cersei says she has no idea where Arya is, Tyrion can only ask her how it feels to be the most disappointing Lannister. It a tour de force from Tyrion. We see his wit constantly in the series, but we don’t often get to see him have fun with it. Enjoy it while you can.

The Debut of Davos – He doesn’t have a huge role in this episode, but I wanted to call attention to the introduction of my main man Davos. While there’s not much to say about him at this point, know that he’s one of the few people in the series who doesn’t act like a total asshole. I mean, what a concept. He’s skeptical of crazy prophecies and likes gentle, kind people. He tries to raise his children right and loves his wife. I mean, they could just name Davos the High Septon and there’d be no issue with it from me at all. Wait until you see all the heartbreak and misery they will put a good man through. Game of Thrones loves torturing good people.

I do have to question his associates in this episode though.

The Insanely Disheveled Man Who’s Probably Right – When we meet Davos, we don’t really understand what’s going on in this scene. All we know is Davos is talking to this panicked man who appears to be on a two week bender. He looks completely unhinged. Who the hell would trust this man if he came up to talk to you? You’d assume he was begging for change to buy drugs.

Anyway, old drug head is looking for assistance in stopping Melisandra, the new Red Priestess who is bringing the Lord of Light Religion to Westeros, and more importantly, has the full attention of Stannis (who may, or may not be the Mannis, depending on who you ask). The red woman knows exactly what the  lunatic is up too. Melisandra tells the old man to “try and stop her” straight to his face. That’s a really bad sign for this guy who just needs a drink and maybe $15 dollars to catch a train back home.

By the way, his name is Maester Cressen. I don’t believe it was said in the episode. Not having your name or role uttered once is a terrible sign for one’s survival rate.

As a last ditch effort to kill Meli, he tries to poison the woman, leading a toast. I mean, how the hell is that not suspicious? The plan fails spectacularly, as the red woman is able to reverse the poison from her glass, and actually poison Cressen. Not only does she not die, it proves she does have powers. As he dies, Meli taunts him, and Stannis doesn’t even blink. He was the maester of the castle and the man in charge gave zero damns about it. 

You’re probably wondering how this made the good section. It’s because this man looked so insane, I couldn’t take him seriously, and yet his scenes worked. I don’t know how to describe it. Maybe I just really liked the bender jokes. But still, it sets up a lot of Stannis’ run in the series… even though the end of it is incredibly awful and agaisnt his character.

Breathe Bloggin Hood… we’ll get there soon enough.

 

Stannis’ Declaration – Preparing a letter to state his claim to the throne, Stannis is very specific on how he wants it worded. As it’s read back to him, he disputes and chances several phrases, which seem insignificantly to everyone but him. He will not mention his brother as “beloved” as there was no love between them. He insits to address Jaime Lanniser as the kingslayer, but also Ser as he committed terrible acts but is still a knight. It’s these small details that show who Stannis is – a riggid, humorless man devoted to law. This scene ends up being kind of funny just based on how he cares about the minute details. A few moments later, he doesn’t remotely care that his maester died, but calling Jaime Ser, that’s important. Again, really bad showing for Cressen here.

Stannis does not budge an inch when Davos recommends making peace with Renly, or potentially teaming up with Robb Stark. He only believes in what it the law and what is just. For Stannis, all others are usurpers and he is rightfully the heir to the throne. It’s amazing how all the characters forgot how quickly that Robert only had the crown because of a rebellion.

 

Robb freaking Stark- Firstly, Robb completely shuts down Jaime. He’s had the Lannister dragged along to each camp they stay at, because he knows leaving him with any lord would be a disaster. Tywin would bribe and/or kill the family entrusted with him. Robb taunts Jaime for losing to a mere boy, and adds insult to injury by having Grey Joy circle around Jaime. Jaime actually flinches at Grey Wind. He makes sure to let Jaime know Stannis letter was released and the entire continent knows about him and Cersei. He also has the quote listed above.

Robb also sends a Lannister captive to King’s Landing with his piece terms. He wants both of his sisters back, the remains of Ned, and a complete renouncement of power over the North. He even sticks it to Joffrey saying he wouldn’t need a servant to do his beheading. Finally, he calls Joffrey a Lannister and questions him being a Baratheon at all. Truly, they make Robb 30 times better in the show than the book. It’s not close.

 

What Didn’t Work

The Name Day Excuse – We open season two with entertainment for Joffrey’s name day. And surprise, it’s murder related. In what I assume is an exhibition, the Hound absolutely murders the shit out of a guy, kicking his potentially still breathing opponent down a 20 foot fall for a very messy end. Joffrey loves it. That’s not how I’d want to spend a birthday – with murder. Like, how do these things keep happening? Shouldn’t these two be saved for fighting in the war?

Joffrey is angered by Sansa’s indifference to him. He takes it out on Ser Dontos, a man who was suppose to entertain Joffrey but showed up drunk. Joffrey wants to force him to drink wine until he drowns. Sounds like a waste of resources to me. Sansa and the Hound say it’s improper to kill on his name day, so Joffrey spares him, making him his personal fool instead. But the Hound just killed a guy for Joffrey five seconds ago. I get trying to spare the man, but c’mon Joff, context clues. This was kind of weak to me, honestly.

Bran the Leader- As man of the house, Bran is forced to meet with the citizens who complain about all sorts of things. The story in this scene is incredibly boring. It serves Bran right for having to suffer through it, but then again so do we, therefore, I’m blaming Bran on this one.

Maester Luwin, who’s about a 9 out of 10 on the yawn scale himself, advises that listening to people you don’t want to listen to is part of being a Lord. Is this why we get stuck with a bunch of Bran scenes? I’d say yes. All of us are Lords in spirit for putting up with his shit, even after only 11 episodes.

Dany Has Nothing – Now armed with three dragons, things should look up for Dany, but she’s down to a handful of people and dwindling supplies. Without better conditions, these dragons might not make it. It’s like hitting the lottery, but also being audited by the IRS on the same day. Dany’s horse just straight up dies halfway through the scene, probably because he watched the Bran’s scene from before. This whole conquering Westeros thing is hard.

Dany now has a bigger target on her back with her dragons and the potential threat of rival Khals trying to kill her. She will need to tread lightly as anyone would want to claim the dragons for themselves. She commands the remaining Khal’s with her to travel to various sides of the continent, seeing if they can find shelter, food and safety. Now, the only protection she has are three infant dragons, and Crushy McSlaver (aka Jorah). Maybe she didn’t win the lottery and instead was caught in a tax scheme while being audited. Seems more accurate.

Craster, Another Example of The Wall Sucking – So, Craster is a reluctant ally of the Night’s Watch. He gives information, shelter and food to the group, but he vocally makes sure to tell anyone who listens how it pains him. Oh, and he marries his own daughters, keeping the girls for future wives. This is much worse than seeing what people use Tinder for, and that’s saying something. It’s unclear what he does with the sons, and Jon gets no answers for questioning it.

Craster is, of course, a complete asshole, asking if Jon Snow has a vagina and says he’s prettier than half his daughter/wives/mistresses. I mean, considering the incest going on, he’s probably not wrong about the latter but that doesn’t help things.

Craster does advise that all the wildings are uniting under Mance Rayder, a deserter of the Night’s Watch. For this info, he gets anything he wants from the Watch, including one member’s axe. He promises to remove any body parts that touch his daughter wives, then taunts everyone for not having a women to sleep with. I mean, he’s bragging about banging his offspring. Is there a single decent, non Davos person on this damn show? Can we just have more scenes with blitzed Cressen for Christ sake?

The Lord of Light and Prophecies – Ask and ye shall receive  

So, crazy ass Cressen’s issue with Melisandra is that her religion is winning Stannis’ over. They ultimately burn all the statues of the 7, the main religion in Westeros in favor of the Lord of Light – a foreign belief system revolving around fire, human sacrifice and shadow demons. You know, wholesome stuff. Stannis does this because he thinks it’ll help him get the throne. He’ll do basically anything to get the throne.

He wouldn’t do THAT, but the showrunners disagree. But again, we’ll get there… I feel like I should have had a picture of Meatloaf here, either the singer or the food. Missed opportunity.

Anyway, Melisandra makes the claim that Stannis is the Prince who was Promised, aka the chosen man. In this case, it means he should be king. The problem is this same prophecy will be altered, repeated, and changed a minimum of 400 times in the series, mostly by Melisandra herself. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why they even believe any phophecies because they never come true. Did Stannis ever ask Meli what happened to the first prince who was promised or was he too busy staring at her breasts?

Don’t answer that. We both know the answer.

Cersei owning Littlefinger – Cersei seeks out Littlefinger to find Arya. He doesn’t seem to want to take on this mission and tries to pass it to Varys. I don’t blame him. Arya is going to be tough to find, and she’s going to be a huge fan of murder soon.

Then, the scene becomes bizarre. Cersei mocks Littlefinger’s past, and Littlefinger counters by making not so veiled incest remarks. Cersei then calls up on his armed guards to seize and kill Littlefinger, but then quickly says to let him go. Cersei then commands the solders to do stupid things to flex her muscle over Littlefinger. She advises that power is everything and sticks finding Arya on Littlefinger anyway. One of Varys birds sees everything, making this Littlefinger’s worst day, excluding like the first 25 years of his life.

I hated everything about this scene. Littlefinger needs to be one step ahead of everyone to work as a character. Here, he’s nearly killed and out muscled by Cersei. This would have never happened in the books. This is a man who will explain how Choas is a ladder soon. He always has a plan. My only guess is this was added to make all the schemes Littlefinger pulls off seem more surprising, but come on. It’s so unneccesary.

Joffrey’s Descent – I mean, the episode started with Joffrey having men killed for fun, so this shouldn’t be news.

Joffrey completely dismisses any concern for finding Arya. He also doesn’t care at all about the impending wars, believing he’s the only person who can rule and nobody has a claim to the throne. He then asks if his father had any other children, which ultimately echoes a speech Cersei gave to Joffrey in season 1 – that the king can bed whoever he wants. Cersei gets mad at slaps him, which Joffrey remainds her should be punishable by death. I mean, you taught him this Cersei, what did you think would happen?

This leads to Joffrey ordering to have any suspected Baratheon Bastard be killed. This leads to our most cringe inducing scene thus far. Thus far being the key phrase.

Baby Murder – At Littlefinger’s Brothel of all places, the gold cloaks enter, lead by Janos Slynt. Actually, it’s probably not a surprise these guys are in a brothel.

They come in to find one of Robert’s bastards, a newborn who couldn’t have been older than a few months. With orders to kill, Slynt is pissed that the men hesitate and kills the baby as the screen goes black. Are you frigging kidding me! That was an infant.

We’re then “treated” to a murder montage of Robert’s Bastards, and a call to find Gendry, but that’s almost irrelevant in comparison: Firstly, why was a baby in a brothel? There wasn’t anywhere else for an infant to go, other than a place full of sex workers? Secondly, what the hell Martin? Did we need this? No, of course not, but the show wanted a controversial ending to an episode, so let’s shank a frigging 1 month old.

God damn it this isn’t even the last baby murder of the series. Not by a long shot.

Say we with me everyone – But everybody likes this show. That’s our catch phrase around here and I’m sticking with it, 

I’m pissed off. I’m going to go leave angry comments on rival blogs to feel better.

Death – 1 solider, 1 horse, 1 super drunk Maester, a bastard, a random citizen, oh and an innocent sweet little baby you damn assholes.

Boobs – 2

Needlessly Graphic Sex – 1