Episode 16 – The Old Gods and the New

Summary – Theon captures Winterfell and immediately fails to earn respect, Ser Rodrik proves to be a true G, Arya narrowly avoids a familiar face, the people of King’s Landing show their feelings for Joffrey, Sansa has a close encounter with her subjects, the Hound murders a bunch of people, Qhorin is a weird dude, Jon sleeps with a girl, Caitlyn ruins his son’s flirting game, Dany’s plot continues to be groan inducing awful.

Quote – Tyrion Lannister: We’ve had vicious kings, and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t think we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!

It’s not just that Tyrion says this, as I believe in private everyone, probably even Cersei, would agree with this assessment. It’s the fact that Tyrion says it to Joffrey’s face, and a few seconds later adds the exclamation point via yet another slap. The slap hits so hard, Joffrey doesn’t have any counter and just runs away from the scene. What Tyrion says is true – it’s rare that the realm has had both horrors as king. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that long along they were saddled with the mad king. It’s a pretty bad run for a realm when the best king during this time is Bobby B.

 

What Works:

 

Ser Rodrik, OG – During the raid on Winterfell, Ser Rodrick is captured by the Greyjoys when he returned to retake it. He does not hold back when brought to Theon. He calls the Greyjoy a traitor and emphasizes that Ned took him in, after his father started a pretty idiotic war, and raised him. Theon says he was never a Stark and plays the hostage card as he likes to do. Rodrick is so embarrassed by his display, he spits on Theon in front of all his men. Dagget tells him that nobody will ever respect Theon unless Rodrik plays the iron price. Theon didn’t want to kill him, but now he has no choice. He was man challenged after all. 

Bran and Luwin begs to keep Rodrik alive, but after what feels like five minutes of internal debate, Theon decides to go through with the execution. Bran cries that he yielded with the promise of keeping everyone safe, but the master of arms is still put on a block. Rodrik still gives no shits, demanding that Theon be the one to kill him, recites Ned’s words that whoever passes the sentence needs to see it through. Right before the sword cuts down, he smiles at Bran, saying he get to see Ned again. His last words when Theon asks for them are “Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost”. Jeez. Why’d you invite him to roast you yet again Theon? Poor play there.

I mean, if you’re going to die, you can’t go out as a bigger baller than this.

Arya’s Sneak Game – At another council meeting, Tywin mocks who is revealed to be noted douchebag, Aromy Lorch who apparently cannot read well. He sends important war information to a northern house instead of a Lannister house. Tywin calls him a brute and kicks him out. He also mocks him because Arya provides Tywin with the book he requests, and says the cupbearer can read better than he can.

After the dismissal, Twin has a second meeting, this time with Littlefinger. Arya is terrified because Littlefinger should recognize her. While Littlefinger advises that Renly is dead and plots on uniting the Tyrells and Lannisters, Arya spends her time hiding her face, nearly getting caught several times. Tywin wants to punish the Tyrell’s for not siding with him. However, he consents Littlefinger to arrange some sort of union – the marriage of Joffrey and Margarey.

This scene provided both a ton of information about the inner workings of these two men, along with the added terror of what happens if Arya gets caught. Honestly, we have to wonder if life as a prisoner with the Lannisters is better than all the murdering she witnesses and commits… 

I guess being around Joffrey would be worse. A true coin toss though.

 

Tywin’s Background – After the meeting with Littlefinger, Arya sneaks back in and sees a note mentioning Robb Stark. Before she can grab it, Tywin enters, asking who taught her to read. She quickly says her father. Tywin says he taught Jaime by avoiding the Maester’s recommendation that he had a learning disorder, and made him sit 4 hours a day until he learned. None of this happened in the book at all, but it seems like something Tywin would do. He doesn’t except anything short of the best.

Tywn presses more about Arya’s father, questioning how a stonemason could read. Eventually he gives the made up man credit, thanks to Arya becoming an expert liar. Great for her life skills! Tywin is impressed by her, and lets her ask a question about Tywin’s own father. Tywin says he watched his father grow old, and loved his family. But he calls him a weak man who almost ruined his family name. We don’t get much more info than this, but it’s insight on Tywin, who thinks family name is everything. It’s clear he didn’t care much for him, and we might not get much more direct about this, but we don’t need to. The context clues say enough. Wow, information not thrown in our faces? Where was this post season 4?

The Death of a Douchebag – Arya’s true purpose in returing to Tywin’s chamber was to steal the note meant and send it to Robb. Unfortunately, she is caught midway to delivering it by noted douchebag, Amory Lorch. Arya runs from Lorch, but he gives up the chase and goes to tell Tywin. Nothing says being a strong man man quite like tattletelling on a young girl.

Arya calls upon her murder genie for her second wish. Jaqen first says he can’t kill anyone that quickly, but she pleads that if he doesn’t, Arya will be killed. Poor Armoy Lorch, noted douchebag, dies right at Tywin’s door, leading to increased paranoia in the Lannister camp, and the death of someone who deserves it. I still don’t like this whole kill on command thing, but at least Arya uses it to kill a true asshole, or noted douchebag, depending on which blog you’re reading.

Finally, the Hound Does Something – During the choas in King’s landing, Sansa goes missing. The Hound throws the king at a member of the kings guard and returns for Sansa, killing three citizens in his wake. Several men go off to try and attack Sansa and corner her in an alley. She is pinned down by the three men, who start tearing at her clothes and prepare to rape her. It appears all is lost, but the Hound enters, and brutally murders all three of the would be rapists. He had a few fatalities here that would make Khal Drogo blush. He carries Sansa over the shoulder through the chaos and suffers no injuries. He demands that her wounds be looks after immediately. Tyrion compliments Clegane, who says he didn’t do it for him.

In the books, we know Clegane has the hots for Sansa, or at least I thought so. In the show, he doesn’t have many interactions with her, which is very odd. It seems like that whole plot line was cut, and then put back in at various times. I think this scene is more to show the Hound isn’t a total slave to Joffrey, but he basically murders the shit out of most of the people there. It doesn’t show he’s a good guy, but it does make me think he’d be a great character in a new Mortal Kombat game.

What Doesn’t Work:

Theon owned by frigging Bran – So, Theon and his merry men take Winterfell thanks to their diversion. This is still one of the dumbest plans in the history of time, but hey, at least they are living their truth.

Theon goes into Bran’s room and talks to him like a child, which is fair, since you know, he is one. He tells Bran that Winterfell is his. Bran is confused as to why he isn’t fighting with Robb, and Theon gives words that might as well have been fed his father about having to take what he wants. It seems like he’s trying to convince himself of this. Theon demands Bran come down and tell his people that he yielded Winterfell to the Greyjoys. Bran at first refuses, and good on you, you giant shit, but ultimately does so to save lives. The scene ends with Bran asking Theon if he hated the Starks the whole time. Theon is taken aback by the question and leaves with no answer.

I mean, it’s one thing to struggle with a real Stark, but to basically lose a conversation to Bran? I mean, sure, he captured Winterfell, for a short time, but what could Bran do? He doesn’t have anyone to ride as a horse. Then, Bran puts him in his place several times during the conversation without really trying to. I mean, Jesus, Theon, give it up.

Theon Can’t Handle a Sword – So remember how badass Ser Rodrik was leading up to his beheading? Nothing that happens after is his fault, but the lasting image isn’t going to be him ripping the spirit from Theon. The lasting imagine is how many swings the execution takes.

The execution is not clean. That’s the understatement of the century. Theon misses a clean shot of Rodrik’s neck four times before having to kick the poor guy’s head off. He gets blood all over himself, and even his men wince. This makes Theon looks weaker as a leader. Now, this was the point of the scene, but it sure is graphic and certainly not very effective. It’s supposed to show Theon is still conflicted, but it really just shows that Theon shouldn’t be a butcher after this raid.

Again, no Reek/Ramsay – You know what would have been better for this scene? If the second in command was “Reek” or you know, Ramsay and not this Dagget guy. Yeah, I know, I talked about it last episode too, but it’s a big enough flaw to bring up again. I don’t understand why another character was introduced on a show that already has 400 characters. They already shrunk plot lines and avoided adding characters later in the show’s run. So why the hell wouldn’t they use a character who’s involved in the current storyline – one who the show raises to a main character, well beyond his important in the source material. It’s a missed opportunity. Having Theon meet Ramsay and be influenced by him here would have be a nice touch and stayed closer to the book plot. This plot line presented isn’t that bad, but it could have been way better.

Theon Thinking with his Little, soon to be missing, head – Theon meets with Osha, calling her an untrustworthy liar. Osha wants to serve Theon, and she knows how to use Theon’s interests. Those interests are feeling important and sex. Mainly sex. Osha bargains for her freedom in exchange for some bedroom action. Theon accepts this almost instantly, if she serves Theon well. I mean, he was totally against her until she remotely hinted at getting naked, and the. Theon was all in.

They do have sex, obviously. This wasn’t in the books at all. Not even a little bit. There’s a lot of weird sex stuff in this episode in particular, and HBO needs to sell something beyond a good source material, relatable characters and wonderful world building. Nobody wants that shit. We want breasts and asses, damn it.

After sex, Osha sneaks out of the bed. She does put on clothes, much to the disappointment of the audience who must have immediately lost interest in the show afterwards. I’m surprised the writers had her wear clothes in the first place*. Osha gets caught by a Greyjoy guard, and again, uses sex to kill a Lannister solider and help Bran and Rickon escape. That part wasn’t bad – just everything before it sucked hard. No pun intended… maybe.

Quorin’s Weird Speech – Our first impression of Quorin in this episode is him insulting Ghost and saying he is a wild animal who cannot be trusted. Quorin quickly became an enemy to animal lovers everywhere. I mean, Ghost is one of the few competent characters in the show. If Davos had Ghost, Stannis would have been king in season 3.

Qhorin’s speech after taking shots at Ghost is really all over the place. First, he says that the wildings know the area better than any member of the Watch. They sleep during the day and attack at night. He tells Jon he shouldn’t feel comfortable on this side of the wall. He then turns around, and says the Night’s Watch is a gift that only asks for one’s life. THEN, he insults Jon after the latter says he’s willing to die for the watch and tells him to fight with every ounce of his being not to die. Well, duh. Jon wasn’t saying he was going to sprint into a sword. Qhorin says that Jon’s death would be a gift to the entire realm who’d never be able to name him. So, do you want Jon to die, or not?

Jon doesn’t want to piss off a legend, and says he understands. So what does Qhorin do? He flips points yet again, saying all that dying being a gift to the realm is just meaningless words the watch says to confort them when they sleep.

What the hell? What the actual hell? The only lesson Qhorin teaches Jon is confusion. I wished a random avalanche happened and buried Qhorin so he’d stop talking. Does anyone like his portrayal on the show?

Actually, most people do. When I was researching this episode, people pointed out this scene as arguably the best in the episode. Did people think flipping back and forward on a point is deep? It’s about as deep as a puddle. Truly, an awful scene – possibly the most overrated in the series, yet alone the season. This is why everyone thinks Jon knows nothing.

 

Ygritte’s Over Sexual Plan – After a battle with some wildings, Qhorin lets Jon decide what happens to a girl, Ygritte. Jon doesn’t want to kill her but feels it’s his responsibility. Qhorin decides to leave the two alone after getting some intel from her. Jon struggles deciding whether to kill Ygritte or not, probably because Qhorin confused the absolute shit out of him earlier. Ygritte sees an opportunity and run, but Jon cleverly catches her. When he does, the two are in the middle of nowhere and have to set up camp.

With Ygritte in chains, Jon decides to make camp with no shelter. Ygritte worries about the cold, but Jon refuses to light a fire. For “warmth”… yeah let’s say it’s warmth and not sexual tension, Jon and Ygritte lay close together. While laying, Ygritte tries to make some sex moves on Jon, but he’ll have nothing of it. She knows exactly she’s doing, preying on a teenage boy. I can’t even count the lewd references she makes, and she knows Jon is both embarrassed and turned on by her.

I have no problem with her taking advantage of the situation, but I do have a problem of the whole scene becoming about that. This is the second time we’ve been there this episode and it’s not the last.

Joffrey the coward – Joffrey walks the streets of King’s Landing, hearing both praises as well as insults. People call him bastard and freak. Somebody pelts the king with mud and that’s the last straw. This leads to a fight where Joffrey shouts to kill all the citizens. The Hound takes Joffrey under his wing despite his cries to kill everything that moves. The citizens are no joke, brutally killing a fat septon by ripping his arm off. That got graphic awfully quickly. I mean, shouting to kill all the citizens is only going to confirm their fears of Joffrey. It’s definitely not a good look for the product of incest.

Joffrey is furious that the people would do anything to him and wants their heads. Tyrion yells at the king, saying that the people threw a cow pie at him and it’s not grounds for execution. The people are particularly angry because they are starving, and it leads to the quote highlighted earlier. When Joffrey says that the crowds can have Sansa, Tyrion says they would never get Jaime back without her. He also mentions that he owes Jaime quite a bit, potentially referencing the incest, or at least the reason Joffrey is on the throne. Joffrey will not order to send any men to find Sansa, instead deciding to return to the castle without his queen. Without the Hound, Sansa would have been raped, and likely killed. Joffrey is not looking good for the defense against Stannis.

Fake Varys Sucks – Along with Xano, Dany meets with the Spcie King, the second richest man in Qarth. Fake Varys starts the meeting by showing up late, then takes a few needless shots at Xano. Dany asks him for ships, promising to repay the cost by 3 times when she rules. Fake Varys isn’t biting. He questions her wording on “retaking” the throne, since she never sat on it. He notes she has no ships or allies, which is also true. The Spice King wants nothing to do with this… until she references the dragon eggs and how she hatched them. She basically summarizes what she did at the end of season one (I did that two weeks ago, but No Big Deal). Dany says her she is no ordinary woman but Fake Varys is not moved. He’s such a condescending little asshole. I understand not going along with all this, but everything he does makes me want to punch him in the face. At least Varys is entertaining. Fake Varys is such a bore. Fortunately, it shouldn’t be a problem for long.

A Pretty Obvious Twist – Later, Dany complains to Xano that none of the 13 will give a boat, except for the copper king, who’ll give a boat for sex. Dany is not going to have sex with the copper king and to be honest, it sounds dangerous for her health. This is now our third awkward sex proposal in this episode. I hope it’s not a trend. I also hope nobody watches this show with their parents. If you do, that’s on you.

Xano councils Dany that not every move for riches is noble and sometimes one has to use foul play. Odd that immediately after this, Dany finds a dozen of her soldiers dead and her dragons kidnapped. I wonder who could have done this? Certainly not the man discussing foul play in her face, right?

I mean, Game of Thrones loves to subvert the expectation, but this one is played painfully straight and obvious. There really shouldn’t be a lick of a surprise. The only real question is when is that creepy ass warlock getting involved to back stab someone. Truthfully, I hated this plot so much initially, I don’t remember  I’ll be as surprised as you are.

Cat’s Cockblock – Robb talks to Talisa, which quickly becomes a flirting game. I mean, these two are seconds away from renting a room out at ye olde inn and getting it on. Oddly enough, this sex charged scene seems natural and not about sex. Go figure. Boobs don’t have to be involved in every scene HBO. 

Robb’s mom comes and cock blocks him like crazy. It’s the worst block of all time. Dikembe Mutombo was furious. Cat gets Talisa’s name, and informs Robb that she is not a highborn lady. Cat also reminds him he is promised to the Frey girl. Robb knows he’s bound by honor and can’t marry her. God, what a downer. Will anything good happen for the Starks in this show?

Roose Bolton being a dickhole – Finally, cheery Roose Bolton delivers news from Winterfell. He don’t know what it is, but we do. It’s the letter from Ludin at the beginning of the episode.

Roose calls the Greyjoy’s treasonous whores. That’s the pot calling the kettle a bastard who’d betray the Starks at the first chance available. Roose also tells them Ser Rodrik is dead, which crushes Robb. He doesn’t do this with any subtly. Robb immediately wants to go to Winterfell and take it himself. Roose instead advises to let his bastard, Gentleman Ramsay Bolton, take the Dreadfort as Robb has the Lannisters on the run. He agrees, but the safety of Bran and Rickon are the most important thing. He also wants Theon taken alive so Robb can kill him personally.

Roose sets himself up to gain a lot of power without risking a thing. He can capture Winterfell with less than 100 men as Theon has 20 men with him, and I’m pretty sure 18 of them want to mutiny. Well played Roose, except for being a giant dickhole and all.

Deaths – Ser Rodrick, 2 wildings. 1 Lannister Septon (they rips off one of his arms), 6 King’s Landing citizens (5 by the Hound), at least 1 City Watchmen, a dozen of Dany’s soliders.

Boobs – 2, but one was during a violent scene. Not enjoyable boobage at all.

Needlessly Graphic Sex – 1

*I don’t know why, but I feel the need to state I don’t believe this. The writers rope sex into this show whenever they can. Season 2 is by far the worst offender of this, and, if memory serves me, it stops being as in your face in season 3. I guess we’ll see if that’s true. This is a rewatch after all.