GOT Review: Episode 12 – The Night Lands
November 20, 2018
Summary – Tyrion’s secrets are quickly discovered. Cersei gives no damns about anyone but herself. Davos introduces a charming pirate to his son. Theon gives no respect, gets no respect and feels up his sister. Janos Slynt has a long distance meal. Arya and Gendry share a non sexual moment and everybody freaks out. Littlfinger is an asshole. Sam is a horn dog. Jon loses a fight to Craster.
Quotes –
Davos Seaworth: I wish I had a God, truly. I’m not mocking you, but I’ve seen men pray to every God there is… pray for wind, pray for rain, pray for home. None of it works.
Matthos Seaworth: But you always came home.
Davos Seaworth: I wasn’t praying.
Matthos Seaworth: No, but I was.
I thought the scene between Davos and his son talking about religion was fascinating. Davos doesn’t have any faith in gods, going as far as saying that Stannis is the only god he knows. This is a man who made him a knight, but cut off several of his knuckles for being a smuggler. His smuggling saved Stannis’ life. Way to give props to your savior. Well, I guess Stannis is cruel and merciless, so that’s similar to a God.
Matthos on the other hand is smitten by Meli’s religion, and probably by Meli herself. She basically licked his cheek a few times. Can’t blame the kid. It’s odd that he has the reverse opinion on this new religion and actually credits prayer to saving his father. That’s the odd thing about faith. Somebody could be an atheist, but would another’s prayer save that non believer. Is non belief stronger than faith? I don’t think I’m the appropriate one to answer this question. I’m still proud on that cheek licking joke and it’s not even good.
This scene establishes the rocky, uneasy relationship between Melisandra and Davos. Rocky is probably putting it mildly but that’s ok. They have several run ins, and there’s one on the way soon.
What Worked:
Varys being one step ahead – A happy Tyrion quickly loses his good move as he finds Shea with Varys. The one rule Tyrion had for shea was to not let her prescence be known. Tyrion keeps his poker face during the scene, even making a reference to “fish pie” which leads to several sexual puns that I’m not we needed, but they were funny. In particular, Shea saying Varys doesn’t seem like he would enjoy fish pie is top notch. Good job writing staff – this will grant you one pass for season six. That’ll last until the second scene of the season… maybe.
Varys already knows plenty of details on Shea which means he has something on Tyrion. Any dirt on Tyrion is not good for a Hand. Before leaving for the council meeting, Tyrion explains he does not deal well with threats, giving Varys a threat on his own. Varys says he shouldn’t mess with someone he’s not prepared to battle. It’s the first of many trades of verbal blows between the two and seems to set up a rivalry. The script veers off in an another direction from here, but I like the tension added to the King’s Landing story line, if only temporary.
Tyrion Owns Janos Slynt – We meet Podrick for the first time, spilling wine on noble Janos. I know Podrick is portrayed as a klutz, but I like to think Tyrion told him to do this. It’s funnier that way. Janos insults him as he leaves. Tyrion has a fine dinner for Janos, as he asks about what happened in Littlefinger’s brothel.
Tyrion questions why a baby was murdered. Janos says it was orders, and washes himself of any blame. He instead advises how loyal he is to Joffrey to the crown. Tyrion also confirms Janos gave the order to kill Ned Stark’s men. When Janos says Ned tried to buy his loyalty, Tyrion calls him out for already being brought saying “I’m not questioning your honor. I’m denying it’s existence”. Slynt calls Tyrion a dwarf and an imp, which probably isn’t ideal in keeping him safe.
The scene ends with Janos being stripped of his titles and being sent to the wall for his crimes. He doesn’t give him a chance to speak with Cersei or Joffrey. It’s just a total undressing of a man who deserves to be punished.
Bronn as the Leader of the City Watch – A surprisingly good change is that Tyrion has Bronn named the head of the city watch. I completely forget who became the head in the books, but Bronn makes a ton of sense, and shows Tyrion is beginning to pay him back for his loyalty. More importantly, it gives a charismatic character more screen time. Just don’t ask Lena Headley’s opinion on this.
One downer moment of this scene is how it ends. Tyrion asks if Bronn would have murdered an infant without questioning. His response is “Without Question? No. I’d ask how much”. It brings his own honor into question, and I don’t really want to hate Bronn. Tyrion is visably upset by this answer. However, it’s faithful to the book. Bronn still has a lot of changing to do in this story.
Gendry Having a Brain – It’s nice to see not everyone is a total inept failure in this series. Arya listens to Hot Pie and some blonde kid who’s definitely dying soon about yielding to the Lannisters. Hot Pie says he’s not afraid of a battle which Arya and Gendry both call him out for. I guess this wasn’t rocket science though. Hot pie’s battles tend to be kitchen related.
What? He becomes a cook.
Gendry can’t answer Arya’s questions on why the Lannisters want him. He doesn’t know, other than he’s been visited by two Hands of the King, who were quickly killed afterwards. That’s ominous for him. Arya gets choked up at this, understandably missing her father. Gendry mentions he has no clue who his father is, which makes sense since Bobby B wasn’t able to recognize the sheer amount of bastards he had.
Gendry also deduces that Arya is a girl, and while he’s taken aback she’s from house Stark, it’s nice to see somebody put two and two together. I mean, how stupid are the people Arya is traveling with? Speaking of stupid, why is Arya mentioning who she really is? That can only lead to bad stuff. Not smart, girl. Not smart at all.
Salladhor Saan, a lesson on likability – Davos meets with a very underrated character, the Pirate Salladhor Saan. He’s used in small dosage because if he wasn’t, nobody would give a shit about the main plot line. We’d all be following the adventures of Davos and Saan. I could see it on FXX. I mean, if there’s going to be spinoffs for some Godless reason, give the people what they want. Leave it to Davos to introduce awesome characters. #DavosforMVP
Davos is talking to his Pirate friend to join Stannis’ cause. He calls Stannis the most honorable man he knows, ironic for what comes later in this episode. We learn through Saan our friend Davos was a pirate (or smuggler as Davos prefers). Saan takes pride in being an excellent pirate, and it isn’t willing to commit to a war because he has a good life where he is now. Ultimately, Salladhor asks for one thing in return – he wants to bang the queen. Seriously, that’s his terms.
Davos’ son – and yes that’s his son, is horrified, saying this war isn’t about him raping the queen. Salladhor specifies he wouldn’t rape her, but he will screw her. He says he’s incredibly persuasive. To be fair, the way Cersei is, I imagine she’d be down. Saan probably wouldn’t need to be all that persuasive and just say he’s her nephew or something. Personally, I thought this discussion was hilarious, but I have a feeling there’s a full movement giving this scene a thumbs down. Saan is a pirate, not exactly a polished good man. He’s going to say questionable things. Oh, he’s not done here either.
The pirate isn’t interested in who’s the rightful queen – he’s in it for himself. His god, is the one between a woman’s leg. Davos’ son walks away disgusted. Davos can’t promise the queen, but he promises the gold and glory and that the king can win. Salladhor agrees, but only because he trusts Davos, and believes he can make him rich. Salladhor taunts Davos’s kid on the way out. What a great debut. See? Not everyone in this show is a murderous asshole. Some just want to have sex with royalty.
What Didn’t Work –
Arya Peeing… and the Lannister hunt – The episode starts with Arya peeing. Literally, this is the first image we see. I mean, she’s like a 12 year old girl. There’s a lot wrong here. I get that this is story relevant, but still. Come on, Game of thrones writers. You’re going to piss on all our hopes of a good story later on in the series. There is no need for it now.
Soon, the Lannister men come to try to find their target. Arya assumes its her, but they state they are looking for Gendry, which surprises everyone. The good part of this scene is that Yoren tells them off. He gives no shits. He threatens castration on anyone running interference on the Night Watch adding recruits. This is actually a pretty cool scene for Yoren, but you just know something is going to happen from here that’s not pretty. Why are all the Lannister underlings such over the top villains too? Like, no personally, just evil.
Cersei dismissing everything – The Lannister cousin sent by Robb arrives to the council meeting with his terms for surrender. Tyrion recommends giving the Starks back Ned’s remains, at least as a sign of good faith. Cersei pretends Tyrion is some useless background character like Bran, and rips up the terms. She also asks how her brother is which raises a few eyebrows, given the circumstance.
The Night Watch has also asked for more men, which everyone on the council dismisses except Tyrion. None of them believe in the White Walker Threat, but Tyrion knows a man like Jeor Mormont wouldn’t make up such a tale. However, Cersei couldn’t care less. This becomes the theme of the season – Tyrion knows things, even when not drinking, and Cersei ignores him to do the opposite. If they could get along, just for a little bit of time, they might be able to make something of Joffrey’s reign. But that will never happen.
Sam being way too horny – Is there ever a scene where Sam isn’t horny? I mean, Jesus kid, keep it in your pants. Gren mentions a girl he had back before becoming a member of the Night’s Watch. Sam wants all the details of what they did together. There is no chill is Sam when it comes to women.
This doubles up when Sam shoos Ghost away from a scared Gilly. Gilly looks at Sam very oddly – i’m not sure if she’s attracted to him for saving her, or just wants to wear his cloak because she’s cold. It’s confusing.
Sam decides to talk to Jon about getting Gilly to safety, which Jon adamantly refuses. Sam is thinking with the wrong head here, and that’s not even factoring that Gilly is pregnant. That’s like the world’s biggest no-no. Chasing after a pregnant girl while being the member of the Night’s Watch is not going to end well, especially when the father of the baby is also the father of the mother. Stay away Sam, and keep your fantasies to yourself.
Theon to Littlefinger Sex String – For the first time is nearly a decade, Theon is about to return to the Iron Islands. His first dialogue is with a naked woman in his room. Of course it is. Theon is very full of himself thinking everyone from the Iron Islands will be waiting for him. He hypes himself up beyond belief, and asks like a total dick to this woman, saying she’s nothing to him after they dock. He then proceeds to have graphic sex with her about 90 seconds with no regard for her well being. Awesome.
Then, we cut to Littlefingers brothel where we get back to back sex scenes. When one ends, Littlefinger actually sends a prostitute to satisfy an angry customer seconds after she umm, served another one. It’s cold blooded.
Did we really need about 3 straight minutes of sex? I feel like Sam is the one that green lit these scenes. Graphic for the sake of being graphic.
Littlefinger Being a Total Asshole – The reason one of the sex acts stopped was because Ros was in tears. She cannot get over the graphic scene of the baby being killed in the brothel. Gee, what a normal, human reaction she had. Maybe all that sex will have a payoff.
Littlefinger talks to Ros, who is clearly his favorite of the brothel. At first, Littlefinger seems to be acting kind to Ros, until he gets into the economics. He says “he hates bad investments”, which makes Ros seem less than human. He basically tells her he will sell Ros if she doesn’t act happy. Littlefinger gives her a single night off and tells her to return happy, or else. Again, Littlefinger’s hands are being shown as a cruel monster. I don’t know if he ever was this, at least outwardly. All of his schemes, cruelty, murders – they happen in private. It takes away from his mystique by showing him this way. It’s been a bad start for Littlefinger in Seaosn 2. I smell an LVP frontrunner.
Yara’s buildup –
When Theon arrives at the Iron Islands, nobody seems to know who he is at the dock. There was also nobody there to great him. This seems to be a theme. Don’t feel bad for him though – Theon is a dick. I don’t fully mean that ironically, but there’s a reason I didn’t say asshole.
Next is a very uncomfortable scene. A mystery woman tells Theon that she can take him to Pyke. Almost immediately, Theon hits on her and flexes that he’s the son of Balon Greyjoy. He mocks her for being a worse horse rider than he is and then starts groping her. Not just the breasts mind you. He shoves a hand down her pants and keeps it there for half the ride. The woman is sassy about it, but doesn’t exactly stop it. This would sort of make sense if she was a normal woman I guess. I mean, Theon’s name carries some weight, even if it’s not nearly as heavy as he believes. But this isn’t a normal woman. This is his sister Yara.
Balon Hating Theon – Picture your son being away for 10 years, taken prisoner as a result of a war. You know he’s healthy and safe, but you cannot see him. Now, nearly a decade later, your son arrives at your front door. How would you react? If you said unimpressed and resentful of his existence, Balon Greyjoy might be a character for you.
Once Theon announces his arrive, Balon questions his loyalty. He mocks how Theon is dressed and rips a necklace straight off of his neck because he didn’t kill a man and steal it from his corpse. That’s not hyperbole, that’s actually what happened. Balon believes his son is a Stark and declines Robb’s offer before Theon walked in the door. Now, Theon was only with the Starks because Balon tried to rebel and got wrecked by Robert and Ned. Theon lives with the Starks to keep Balon from starting more shit. Does Theon have loyalty to the Starks? Yes, to some, mainly Robb. But I mean, who the hell wouldn’t love Robb? Anyway, Balon decided to treat his son like a piece of shot for being a captive. Makes sense, other than all of his logic.
Even worse, Theon is giving no command while his sister gets 30 ships. Balon also declares himself king, because hey, everyone is doing it and will attack Robb Stark. Why? Why the hell would you do that? Why not just wait and attacking after the war is decided? The Iron Islands have ships, but not much else – including brains. Balon Greyjoy, you sir, suck a lot of eggs.
Stannis commits adultery to win a war – After a glowing report of Saan to Stannis from Davos (basically – I don’t trust him but he’s a good pirate), Stannis gets some alone time with Meli. The wink is heavily implied here, my friends.
Stannis doesn’t understand the Lord of Light religion. He asks if the god is so powerful, why doesn’t he just destroy all of Stannis’ enemies. This is similar to the philosophical question that asks if God can microwave a burrito so hot, could he burn his own mouth. Both involve extreme heat so this works.
Stannis at first refuses because he has a wife. Meli calls out that Stannis hates his wife for not giving him a son and plenty of still borns. This might be true, but damn is that harsh. Meli promises she can give Stannis a heir, and apparently that’s what gets him going. In like a second, the two are going at it on top of the strategy table. That was fast.
For a man who cares so much about order and law, this seems like a lapse. But if he cares so much about the throne I can accept it. Not that we needed another sex scene. I mean, the director of this episode had one thing on his mind. It sure wasn’t a sensible story.
Baby Sacrifices – Great. Just great.
So Jon trails Craster holding a baby boy late at night. He leaves the infant out in the forest and it appears a white walker is taking the baby. Before we get more info, Craster knocks Jon out and takes his sword. That’s right, he lost to an old men engaging in daily incest. Our future main character everyone.
Let’s say it again – Everybody likes this show.
Death – 1 Blood of Dany’s Blood,
Boobs – 4, including a religious pair.
Needlessly Graphic Sex – 5. including 3 back to back scenes, including a 90 second Theon sex scene. I don’t think that will be on the table for long. This is the most sex an episode has had thus far. That’s very impressive. With a few different cuts, most viewers may have through this was a porn. Technically, it was not though it’s a fickle line.
