Breakfast: The Food Industry’s Greatest Scam or A Breakfast Food Tier List

The biggest downside of getting old, besides all the physical ailments, is losing our naivety. Part of growing up is learning disappointing truths about life. For example, wishing on a shooting star doesn’t make your dreams come true (I’m waiting on that Late Night Bloggin Hood show). Teamwork most certainly does not make the dream work, and that phrase can disappear forever. The biggest lies though, come from Big Breakfast. Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day, in part because Breakfast food all suck.  

The food industry really has a lot of explaining to do. Let’s start with the food pyramid from the 90s and early 2000s. A balance diet involves 11 servings of carbs a day with a complete avoidance of fats. Today’s dieticians would go into shock, literally. Think about all that sugar in eating three loafs of bread for lunch to stay on track. Over the past few years, the food pyramid changed drastically. How can we trust that the revised one is any better? Does anyone truly understand nutrition? Probably not.

Food labels barely represent anything accurate. Products will state things that are technically true (Made with real juice) and ignore the dangerous underlying facts (1% juice, 50% sugar, 49% sugar like chemicals). The ingredients listed on packaging read like another language. How is a color an ingredient? How many grams of blue yields a balanced diet? This is why the original food pyramid has 11 servings of bread. The FDA could explain flour, but not Red #40.

I’ve even seen some really mean spirited propaganda that Little Caesar’s serves food. Listen, I’m not a member of the FDA, but if you see anyone passing off their product as edible, skip calling the police and call the Feds. Thanks to a recent amendment passed in the Senate, you’re also legally allowed to hit Little Caesar’s enjoyers with a folding chair repeatedly.*¹

That’s right, just whack them in the skull and you’ll get a handshake from a government agent for a job well done.**²

However, none of these lies stick out as much as Breakfast being the most important meal of the day. 11 servings of carbs are high, but at least I can get the idea, sort of. Carbs are energy, and if you live an active lifestyle, they’re important. Of course, in 2024, most active lifestyles include choosing a couch cushion to sit on and struggling to stand. Probably only need about 9 servings of pasta for that.

Breakfast is supposed to fuel people for the entire day by breaking one’s fast. Whoever invented that word probably patting themselves on the back for the pun for months. The early meal intends to supply people with energy for the day. This led to it becoming “The most important meal of the day”. But in retrospect, this was just a bowl full of lies, and possibly milk.

The typical Breakfast is incredibly unhealthy. Most Breakfast foods are loaded with sugar, including “protein” bars and prepackage Breakfasts. Sure, on the original pyramid, sugar was probably an essential vitamin. Today, it’s the world’s leading cause of weight gain. Basically, the average kid’s Breakfast gives them a sugar high to get out of the house for the school bus and crash before first period.

In 2 years, there will be a study that sugar actually is a superfood. Move over avocados, KitKats are in.

Every other Breakfast falls to two extremes – either too much for the morning, or too little. A giant Breakfast filled with eggs, pancakes/waffles, toast and the big Breakfast meats (bacon and sausage) is going to make anyone loogy before the day starts. If you eat light and healthier, with something like oatmeal or fruit, you’re not going to feel satisfied at all. Then you’ll end up eating a heavy, unhealthy lunch, and ruin the good start to the day.

In fact, one popular diet trend these days is intermittent fasting, where people stop eating hours before bed and keep the fast going into the net day. The minimum fasting time is 12 hours, though 16 or even 18 are common. Intermittent fasting recommends skipping Breakfast and leads to numerous health benefits. This includes not eating 130 grams of sugar before 8 AM. So not only is Breakfast not important, but it’s also actually making people fat? Sounds like some people are lying about Breakfast.

You could argue that some, if not most people want to eat something in the morning before work and school. Avoiding anything every morning can’t be great for the physical and mental performance.

Here at Bloggin Hood, we’re not one of those people. Breakfast is a god damn scam. That’s right, I said it, and I’ll say it again. Right after the legal team gives me the approval.

Lot of angry head shaking from legal. I’ll workshop it and come back for that approval in a bit.

There’s another angle on Breakfast we haven’t talked about that many believe but are too afraid to say. Big Breakfast propaganda is everywhere, even at your grocery store. But I’m not afraid of a few mascots. I mean, what are Snap, Crackel and Pop going to do, pour milk in a bowl to intimidate me?

Ok, sure, that’s unsettling. But not even Tony the Tiger can suppress the truth. Breakfast Foods are the most overrated group of foods in the world. I don’t mean Pancakes or Bacon are overrated. No, I mean every part of Breakfast is a complete waste. I love intermediate fasting, because I don’t have to waste calories on this slop, second rate food pretending to be a meal. The populus have been brainwashed into thinking Breakfast is delicious. Not that it was very hard to convince the majority out there. There’s a reason we have 14 different version of “The Real Housewives”.

We need to pause here for a minute. People are going to be extremely angry. Breakfast has a lot of supporters out there. That’s ok. Bloggin Hood isn’t here to judge you for your smooth brained opinions. I’m here to educate you all. Every Breakfast food is overrated, gutter trash and you can do so much better than eat slop to start your day.

In fact, I’d argue there’s no point in eating Breakfast foods? Why are foods classified to only be eating at certain times of the day. I thought this was America.***³ If we’re truly the land of the free, why are burgers reserved for lunch and dinner while pancakes are only eaten in the morning? It doesn’t make any sense. If we didn’t have this food classism, Breakfast wouldn’t be an issue for me. And I have a theory on why this is.

Deep down, food distributors and restaurant owners know that Breakfast foods are the weakest. The only way anyone would ever order or purchase these foods is if the consumer had no other options. Due to subliminal marketing and some old-fashioned bullying, those who eat “non Breakfast” foods in the morning are ridiculed and ostracized from society. This is a full-blown conspiracy happening right under our noses! Toucan Sam was taunting us all these years!

If you don’t believe me, consider this scenario. Imagine you are taking public transit to work in the morning. In the seat next to you, a commute opens a container of chicken Pad Thai. How do you think the passengers will react?

Well, of course they’re going to stare at him. The bolder passengers will mock the poor commuter. Eventually, the bullies will chant “Noodle Boy! Noodle Boy!” until he runs off at the next possible stop in tears, and likely spilled sauce on his clothes. Poor Noodle Boy will be late because Big Breakfast corrupted your hearts. Have you no shame? That commuter has a family, who probably also eat weird Breakfasts.

In that same scenario, if the commuter pulled out a Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich, nobody would bat an eye. They become a trend setter. People would stop and pick up their own sandwich on the way to the office. The commuter would practically be a Big Breakfast plant. What’s the difference between eating a Breakfast sandwich and a noodle-based dish on a crowded subway or bus in the morning? Just one set of utensils and one group of judgmental minds.

That might be the deepest line I’ve written on this site. I definitely need to look in the mirror after this article, but not before I finish educating on the downsides of nearly every Breakfast food out there.

I didn’t think that commuter example would move the needle. Society has suffered through decades, if not centuries, of Big Breakfast Propaganda. It’s going to take more than a teary eyes Noodlemen to set you all straight. So instead, we’re going to do a Breakfast food tier list. This unique idea has never been done on the internet before today. I’ll be up for an award in a few months. You’re all welcome.

However, this isn’t going to be a tier list you’ve seen before. Not only will I rank all the foods, I’ll also let you know exactly why each and every one of your favorites suck. I’m shooting for an award all right – Hater of the Year 2024. It’s going to be a tough competition; this is an election year after all, but with perseverance, and an angry heart, anything is possible.

The Breakfast food tier list follows the below criteria:

1. Must be a traditional Breakfast food – Damn it. I’ve broken Noodle Boy’s heart yet again. For this list, I’m only using the standard Breakfast fare. Nothing that’s traditionally eaten post noon will be included. I’m excited for the first comments that ask why I left Chicken Parm off the list.
2. No specialty dishes – I’m only looking to rank things you can make at home or could easily get from a coffee shop or corner store. So no, I’m not going to have Eggs Benedict or a T-Bone Steak and Eggs on here. This is a commoner’s list, written by an extremely common man.
3. The food is prepared perfectly – If a food appears on the list, let’s assume it’s prepared perfectly. Otherwise, this would be a total sham. So no burnt bacon or stale donuts. Everything on this list is fresh, cooked to order, and will still suck compared to 98% of non-Breakfast food.
4. No repeat food, except eggs – Originally, I was going to list eggs once, but there’s a big difference between an omelet and a hard-boiled egg. For example, one of those options is edible. Eggs make four separate appearances on this list, and if you’re an egg fan, get that hate mail ready.

In defense of Breakfast Cake

My first draft of the Breakfast food had a clear winner – cake. In fact, cake was so far ahead of the rest of the Breakfast foods, I added a complete blank tier underneath it. Had this been a Breakfast food draft, and don’t tempt me with a good time, Cake might have been the first and second pick. Sure, that defies draft rules, but I mean, have you had a slice of cake? It’s delicious

But then, I learned that most people don’t consider cake a Breakfast food. How ridiculous. Did everyone grow up in joyless homes? In the Bloggin Hood Household, Breakfast cake was a wonderful way to start a day. I mean, what else are you going to do with leftover cake? Eat it for dessert after dinner? That’s hours away and I want it now.

Why shouldn’t it be? The ingredients of cake are the same are many of the most common Breakfast food items. It’s not a health food, but all the other Breakfast options are either just as caloric and covered in syrup, a pan-fried greasy meat, or completely bland and out of flavor. “But Bloggin Hood”, shouts an unhygienic loser from the back of the room, “Cake has frosting, and that’s not allowed at Breakfast!”. Great point, except donuts exists. Also, a cinnamon roll, which is somehow ok for Breakfast, is probably seven times as bad for you as cake, and nowhere near as good.

I won’t argue that cake is nutrient dense, but we’ve seen what the food pyramid geniuses have done in the past. They could classify cake as a protein because of the eggs. Regardless of the questionable macros, Breakfast cake sure is a comfort. Usually, Breakfast cake is eaten as leftovers from a party or celebration. It’s a way to re-live a momentous event from the day before and keep though good feelings going. Plus, it’s often Funfetti, and come on, fun is in the name.

You certainly can’t have Breakfast cake every day. Americans have a reputation for being pretty large, but the average citizen fits in most hallways. Having Breakfast cake every day will not help. Remember to eat your Breakfast slices with caution.

But because society doesn’t respect a wonderful idea, I did not include cake on the tier list. Instead, we rank inferior foods that pretend to be cake but do an awful job at all. Like serious, what the hell is the difference between cake and a muffin? Shape and lack of frosting. Don’t lie people; you’re willingly eating a downgrade.

You all know I’m right.

With that mini rant out of the way, let’s return to our regularly scheduled one.

Actually Good Breakfast Foods

Coffee – At first, coffee is an acquired taste, kind of like beer. It’s way too bitter at the start, but soon after, coffee and the morning are synonymous. I struggle to function without a cup. In many ways, it’s like drugs. But once you get some flowing through your veins, you feel like you can do anything… kind of like drugs. Except coffee is legal. That begs the question – should coffee be legal? Not a strong start for Breakfast if this is my number one pick.

There are almost too many types of coffee to narrow it down, but I prefer iced to hot, though either is pretty good. No matter the temperature though, it has to be black. I can understand a splash of milk, or having a flavored coffee as a mix up, but I don’t understand the point of dump sugar and syrup into the coffee. It’s like the time Ice Spice had a Dunkin Donuts coffee that had equal parts munchkins as pumps of coffee syrup. This is not a joke.

At that point, you’re just turning it into a liquid cake, and that’s way worse than just having a slice. I’m not saying I’m right about cake for Breakfast, but come on, just give me it already.

Coffee is not only my top pick for Breakfast food and drink, it’s typically the entirety of my Breakfast. Presuming you don’t follow Ice Spice’s recipe, black coffee will not break an intermittent fast. It’s a loophole in the system and the only thing on this list that isn’t overrated.

Tea – For some people, coffee is not their cup of tea. I will now pause for a minute for applause after that opening.

Thank you

I can understand how bitter coffee isn’t for everyone, and tea is a perfectly acceptable substitute. Again, I don’t see the point of milk or sugar here as well, but at least celebrities aren’t adding donuts to it (I think). All variety of tea has its merits but I prefer Green Tea overall.

I have coffee over tea simple because coffee packs more of a punch in both flavor and caffeine. Let’s be honest, the real reason we’re drinking is for the pick me up.  Give me the nitro boost over the slight elevation.

I’d like to note this is the end of the first tier. I do not consider a single approved Breakfast food item worthy of the list. Yes, I am still mad cake wasn’t allowed.

OK, I Get it

Breakfast Sandwich – This ranking is proof I’ve matured in my old age. A younger Bloggin Hood would bury the Breakfast Sandwich because I don’t like eggs, and for the shock value. Even a day before this posted, I had this a tier lower. In retrospect, this was dumb. Objectively, the Breakfast sandwich is the ideal Breakfast, because you get everything you want at once.

It’s pretty much combining a classic Breakfast of eggs and a meat of choice, adding cheese and wrapping everything in a carb. If you think about it, this covered 90% of the Breakfast offerings in one swift serving. Cost shouldn’t matter for this list, but compared to other foods you buy, Breakfast sandwiches always seem reasonable. Price doesn’t make it the first food on the list, but it doesn’t hurt.

 Another good thing is the customization of the meat option. If you don’t eat meat, you can just go egg and cheese, though I’m not sure how many meatless diets allow that. If you have the carnivore tooth, you can pick between bacon, sausage, regular ham (for some reason) and the Jersey Delicacy, Taylor Ham. Anyone who even thought “You mean Pork Roll” were automatically banned from this website for that unforgivable term. I didn’t even make that an asterisk so you know I’m serious.

I’ll be honest, Breakfast sandwiches don’t do it for me because of the eggs. I just don’t understand how eggs are popular. Does the bland flavor supposed to disguise the horrific texture? I just don’t get it. But if you’re in on eggs, this seems like the perfect way to get a Breakfast fix in.

I also factored in Taylor Ham specifically in this ranking. You don’t often get Taylor Ham as a side dish, and really, this is the main way Jersians get to enjoy the salted processed pork product. Also, I discovered through quick research that, despite being meat, Taylor Ham cannot guarantee to be gluten free. Somehow that’s not surprising.

In all seriously, it’s a delicacy. I about to bash 27 Breakfast foods, but I’m in on it. If Taylor Ham often stood on its own, It would probably slide right after bacon on the next tier.  

Passable Breakfast Foods

From this point forward, after the ranking explanation, I’ll include why this food is overrated. Remember, if you throw a sharp object at your computer or phone in protest, you’re only hurting yourself and your wallet.

Hash Browns – Even at Breakfast, potatoes rarely disappoint. It’s also very difficult to mess up frying anything, especially potatoes. Hash Browns are usually shredded and fried, crisping them up, but keeping a soft interior. If I’m forced to eat Breakfast out, I’ll usually get hash browns to salvage the meal.

The biggest issue with hash browns is no matter how good they might be, they’re worse than fries. They’re both fried potatoes, so why did we make an inferior version? A well-cooked fry is always better than a well cooked has brown. If you can pick between the two, nobody would choose a hash brown, except maybe at Burger King, but everybody knows Burger King is atrocious anyway.

Also, some restaurants make their hash brown as a brick instead of just shredded fried potatoes. Think of the McDonald’s weird potato patty. Nobody wants that. At least give the hash brown a chance to be unique and not just mush.

Bacon – Bacon is easily one of the most overrated foods on the planet. However, overrated doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Bacon is, of course, delicious, but some people obsess over it, and I don’t understand. It’s a great addition to plenty of dishes, Breakfast included.

In this tier list, we’re assuming all the food listed is in their best form. It’s surprisingly easy to either undercook bacon, where it’s too fatty and chewy, or overcook it where it crumbles on impact. Here, we’re getting the perfect crispy piece.

The issue with bacon is despite its popularity, it’s never the star of the meal. Bacon is like the glue guy on a great basketball team. It elevates everything else, but can’t truly stand out on it’s own. Sure, a piece of bacon is great, but after you eat a couple, there’s true diminishing returns.  These are minor critiques, sure, but when this is one of the top choices for a meal, that’s not great.

Sausage – In a vacuum, the average piece of sausage is a safer bet to be good than bacon. Much like snowflakes, no two pieces of bacon are alike, and the fat content can really affect the cooked product. However, since we’re assuming the best version of each food, good bacon is superior to good sausage.

That said, sausage has plenty of versatility. You can use ground sausage or links. It comes in both sweet and spicy versions and can complement whatever you’re making. Of course, bacon can do all of these things too.

That’s the biggest issue of sausage – the redundancy. It’s a different flavor than bacon, but usually, you’re picking between the two. And if Taylor Ham is offered, sausage has no chance. It’s kind of like when Lebron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh played on the Heat. Bosh was really good, but nobody was picking Bosh as the standout.

Actually, scratch that analogy. None of those guys deserve to be Taylor Ham.

Another issue with sausage. There’s a distinct different in Breakfast sausage and lunch/dinner sausage. Breakfast sausage are skinny, tiny links where normal sausage can fill a hot dog roll. Why is Breakfast getting the discount version of the product? Oh, I know. Because the meal as a whole suck.

Fruit – This seems like an egregious ranking, but hear me out. If we’re getting the best version of these foods, any fruit you eat is the best version of itself. Think of a strawberry, the biggest hit or miss food out there. If you buy a carton of strawberries, 80% of them suck. Here, you’re getting the best strawberry in the pack every time. Sign me up for that.

Obviously, this isn’t limited to just strawberries. You can have the freshiest blueberries, blackberries, or raspberries. Hell, you can even have a non-berry! Imagine having a perfectly ripe banana, something that’s only occurred twice in human history****⁴. But don’t limit yourself to the everyday fruits; consider some of the true elite ones out there like pineapple or watermelon. That’s not a bad Breakfast at all.

Of course, it’s not a filling Breakfast. As good as this fruit might be, it’s not going to satisfy anyone for long. Fruit is tough because it’s never truly enough for a meal, or even a snack. If you’re going for fruit, you have to eat something else with it, just like everything else we’ve mentioned thus far.

We are seven items in, and I’ve only raked one food that works as a full meal. Breakfast, you’re really struggling here.

Waffle – Looks like we broke the side curse.

I think waffles are the best of the carb-based Beakfast options. Waffles lean sweet, especially based on the mixings, but they aren’t too sweet on their own. Of course, waffles need some sort of topping, typically syrup and fruit. Here’s a great use of those perfect strawberries. I like that waffles have some uniqueness to them – some crispness, but still fluffy enough on the inside. Similar options don’t have that same texture.

I’ll admit too, I like the grooves in waffles. This is definitely a child’s argument, but the grooves are great for syrup. I mean, pancakes wish it could hold syrup the way waffles do. This absolutely factored into its rating.

The downside to waffles is without syrup, or something of its ilk, they are too dry. It doesn’t matter if the waffles have blueberries, chocolate chips, or really anything mixed in. Without syrup, they are a dry, unpleasant experience. Not the strongest endorsement of the best carb option.  

And even more alarming, what does that say for pancakes, French toast, and other similar items? Oh, it says “This meal sucks”.

Muffin – This is somehow going to be the same argument as a positive and a negative.

Muffins take a lot of heat because they’re basically just unfrosted cupcakes. I mean, sure, sometimes fruit gets mixed in to pretend it’s not a dessert, but let’s not kid ourselves. The only thing separating these from the dessert table is a layer of frosting and flavors that’s aren’t ususally in cakes.

Most importantly, muffins are delicious. Unlike other Breakfast bake goods, they aren’t dry when done right and honestly don’t need the frosting. Plus, it’s the closest we can get to cake for Breakfast without having cake.

Having said all this, why are we taking a half measure? Did nobody pay attention to season 3 of Breaking Bad? If we’re going to disguise cake for Breakfast, just frost the bastards and call them what they really are. In 2024, let’s make Breakfast cake mainstream. Do it for the culture!

Until society stops lying to itself, muffins are just worse cupcakes and there’s no way around that. I’m not even going to bring up bran muffins. No reason to insult anyone’s taste buds, or remind us of that character… You know the one.

Mid

Pancake – I know a lot of people swear by pancakes, but I don’t fully understand the hype. They’re fine, but the biggest issue is waffles do everything better than pancakes. Is the average pancake better than the average waffle? Probably, but we’re comparing food’s prepared at their peak. The ceiling of a waffle is higher.

If you want texture, waffles outdo pancakes. Pancakes can be cooked to a golden brown with a fluffy exterior, but it’s the same thing for a waffle. As a syrup/topping delivery mechanism (the real reason we’re eating these), waffles crush pancakes. Even some of the main add ins – blueberry and chocolate chips, work in both. Other than consistency, I can’t see picking a pancake over a waffle.

Also, if you’re going to use cake in your name, you better come out as a dynamite food. Pancakes only have flavor based on how much syrup, sugar and butter you top it with. It’s a glorified condiment holder. So are waffles, but at least they don’t need to pose as a clearly superior food. If we just let cake into the competition, this wouldn’t be a problem, but since we banned fun and whimsy, we’re force to pretend pancakes are good.

Home Fries – Potatoes elevate any plate, but home fries have some flaws other dishes of its ilk don’t. There’s the preferred potatoes served at diners. Sometimes they’re cooked crispy, but other times, they’re simply diced, cooked potatoes with some peppers and onions. The latter are nothing to write home about and are often dry. We’re assuming our ingredients are cooked perfectly, but are you really going to picked diced potatoes over fried potatoes? No, you’re not a psychopath.

The knock off hash brown version of home fries are good, but again, why would you willing choose that over an actual hash brown. As previously discussed, the superior Breakfast potato option is inferior to fries anyway. If you’re going for home fries, know that you’re settling for a bronze medal.

Which is funny, because Breakfast is the bronze medal meal of the day.

Omelet – I think omelets are the quintessential egg dish. They’re always a huge part of the Breakfast menu, and if you’ve ever been to a Breakfast buffet,*****⁵ the omelet station always has a line. I can understand the appeal of omelets, and if I’m forced to go out for Breakfast, I’ll actually order them. There’s only one real problem with them – the eggs.

It’s a bad sign when the main ingredient is the worst part. Sorry Gaston.

The texture of eggs is just not appealing, and I don’t care what anyone says. Omelets remain edible because of all of the mix ins – the cheese, vegetables, meats and, my personal miracle Breakfast ingredient, hot sauce, carry this dish from vomit inducing, to ok. That’s a huge carry by other ingredients, otherwise wasted at Breakfast. They fit in much better at lunch and dinner in stir fries, one pot meals, sandwiches, where they can be far, far away from eggs.

Also, one other hot take – omelets are best without meat. I’d rather have the meat on the side with an omelet to distribute it more evenly as a go. The other ingredients tend to blend together more evenly. It’s probably because Big Egg is jealous of tasty proteins and try to discredit their efforts.

Croissant – Why could possibly be the problem with a buttery, flaky, croissant? There’s nothing to them, that’s what. A well-made croissant is pretty good, but all that light, fluffy, airy pastry leaves anyone eating it hungry. Croissants are calorie dense, so that’s not good. If you’re ever seen how croissants are made, it’s pretty much a tablespoon of butter per bite. I’m not counting your calories, but it’s rarely worth it.

Also, they are good, but there’s not a lot of flavor to them. It’s just eating a fancier, caloric bread, and it’s not like regular bread is calorie free. Well, at least since the food pyramid was corrected. If I have to eat Breakfast, I want more out of it then a couple of well made, but plain bites.

Kinda Bad

Smoothies – This was one of the trickiest food to rank because the quality depends on what you blend into the drink. In my head, I think of smoothies as some combination of fruits and vegetables with protein powder in them. Smoothies try to jam as many nutrients into them as possible in a small, drinkable package.  The problem is, the balance is key.

If you put too much fruit in the drink, your kind of defeating the purpose. Sure, it’ll probably taste great, but you pretty much just made fruit juice and likely could just eat the fruit whole. Adding more vegetables is great for the health benefits but tastes like it came out of an anus.

My go to smoothie was to pack a few vegetables I hated, add a banana and protein powder and called it a day. They didn’t taste great, but bananas overpower all other fruits and vegetables. This relies on you both liking bananas and having a ripe one, which remains as rare as a unicorn. Even if you’re in on bananas, the typical smoothie isn’t exactly pleasant. This is a health decision and nothing more.  

Donut – Bacon is overrated, but at least it’s still really good. Donuts may be the single most over overrated food in the world. They’re typically small, deep fried and topped with frosting. Sometimes, they get filled with custard or jelly. It sounds amazing. How can these be bad?

Every so often in sports, a super team assembles with aging stars. They seem like a top contender for the championship. Then, inexplicably, they struggle out of the gate and never recover. Donuts are the failed super team of the food world. All the ingredients should work together, but they just don’t. In fact, I’d argue that only the basic frosted sprinkle donut is even passable. I used to really like the ones that had filling, but upon further review, I’m out on those too.

Donuts have to be eaten fresh to taste any good, and if not, aren’t worth it. Whether they are fried or baked, the texture is off, and despite being loaded with sugar, they’re not always even sweet. When you eat a donut, you’re trying to sneak dessert in as Breakfast, but they aren’t good enough for that. Ask yourself this, if presented with the option of a donut, a slice of cake, a slice of pie, or ice cream, which would you pick? It’s never the donut.

Now, imagine not having to compete with any of those items for an entire meal, and still not standing out. Donuts are somehow bland despite being a supposed dessert for Breakfast. It makes no sense, just like the failed super teams. It just doesn’t work.

I can go for a donut hole or two, probably because they are smaller and somehow the ratio works better, but I’ll pass on a donut. The fact they rank this high on the tier list is only because the other foods are somehow worse.

Bagel – If donuts aren’t the most overrated food in the world, they have bagels to thank. I know plenty of people who love a good bagel in the morning, including Maid Megan, but I don’t get the appeal. It’s doughier bread that has a bunch of condiments or spreads on them that I don’t want at all.

Bagels come in a few different styles that I’m going to write a quick sentence or two on each to explain how no matter what you choose, it’s a bad time.

Plain – So, you’ve brought no new flavor into the mix and made bread chewier. Congrats on making it into a circle though, I guess.

Salt – Instead of a tasteless bagel, add a half cup of salt to the top and ruin your tastebuds for a week. It’s the human version of a salt lick.

Onion – Instead of a tasteless bagel, keep all other humans away with a half on onion’s worth of stank. Caramelized onion would be interesting, but we’re using plain, raw ass onion instead. Great.

Poppy Seed – This is the same flavor as a plain bagel, AKA none, with the added negative of getting seeds in your teeth.

Cinnamon Raisin – I could almost see this one, but for some reason, people add cream cheese to these. That’s gross. Also, raisins are horrific.

Everything Bagel – Take all of the loser flavors above and meld them together to create a super bad food. It’s like a smoothie, except the only ingredients are kale, radish, beets, and sardines.

Yet, the bagel isn’t the worst part – it’s the cream cheese. Breakfast places pack on quarts of this stuff like it’s a requirement and nothing about it is appealing. Keep your flavored cream cheese, it’s all revolting. Butter does not save a bagel, as it’ll remain dry with it.

There’s even bagel shops that will scoop out the inside of the bagel to reduce the carb intake. I’m sorry, if you’re eating a bagel and worrying about carbs, maybe don’t eat the bagel? Nothing about this appeals to me . Just like donuts, it’s ranked here due to mass appeal, and in part because there’s so few good options.  

Yogurt – My first problem is yogurt doesn’t even know what it is. It’s not quite a solid, but it’s also not quite a liquid. How can I trust it? On this website, we abide by the three states of matter. Pick one and stop being so difficult.

Yogurt also has the problem of not being filling. Years ago, I used to enjoy the single serving flavored yogurts as an effort to lose weight. However, I wasn’t losing anything because yogurt kept me full for approximately 18 seconds before I ate something bad for me. It’s got some added benefits like calcium and protein, but it’s a tough sell as a meal or even a snack. The best complement I can give it, is I’ve eaten worse things. Congratulations.

Pastry – We’ve already listed croissants, which are technically pastries, so I want to define what I mean here before I insult it. In my book, pastries are any fruit based baked good we haven’t discussed – turnovers, danishes, and other variations. If that doesn’t really make sense, too bad, because that’s what I’m going with.

Pastries tend to be dry. We’re assuming the best cook or bake for all of these foods, but I think dry Is the intent of these things. Whenever you see them in a bakery, pastries always look good, and always disappoint. Even the fruit fillings don’t live up to their appearance. Honestly, you’re better off just eating the fruit itself. Using the filling is either tart or very artificial.

The actual pastry itself can’t stand up to something like a croissant. These are a clear step down, hoping for the fruit filling to save them. Unfortunately, a suck ass filling cannot save these. Avoid these and get something better.  Preferably after noon.

French Toast – Ah, here’s one that I’m sure will make people angry. I’ll be honest, I could have put this like three spots lower without much of a problem. This food doesn’t make any sense. Why are people in on this? It’s egg soaked bread. We’re craving egg soaked bread?

At it’s best, French Toast will be pan fried to a golden brown, with that egg taste is coming through. And even if you like eggs, wouldn’t cooked eggs with toast make more sense? You’re also typically topping this with powdered sugar and syrup, a combination that helps disguise waffle’s and pancake’s shortcomings. How does sweetness go with eggy bread? It doesn’t. This one is inferior to pancakes, and nowhere close to a waffle.

I guess if you’re in on egg and like the combination of it being fried into the bread, I can see it. I also understand there’s cinnamon and vanilla mixed in so it’s not just straight egg bread. But I’d rather just have those flavors in my waffle or pancake and keep the egg out of it. We don’t have to combine every texture and flavor in one thing.

Food in Name Only

Cinnamon Roll – In 2024, most people realize that cinnamon rolls aren’t great. They sound like a wonderful idea, but really, the middle of these is the only part worth eating. The further you get from the middle, the drier and less flavorful they become. The typical cinnamon roll is about the size of a donut, and that’s 15 times too big. They just aren’t worth it. Hell, even if you get the middle on its own, it’s not that good. You can eat a spoonful of powdered sugar to simulate the experience. This is also significantly healthier.    

Cinnabon should not exist at this point. Who is still going there at this point? We’ve figured out that these aren’t good years ago. It has to be some kind of money laundering scheme, right? No wonder it’s a plot point in Better Call Saul.

Cereal – Do you remember cereal commercials from the 90s and early 2000s? They’d feature some “cool” mascot aimed at kids for the first 28 seconds. But then, at the very end, the commercial would state “Part of a balance Breakfast” and show the bowl of cereal next to eight eggs, four different fruits and several multivitamins. The average Breakfast cereal provides as much nutrition as the table it’s served on, with twice as many calories.

Today, we know most Breakfast cereal has a bunch of sugar and process carbs that we shouldn’t eat. But you know what? The cereals all taste bad too. Really, go back and try some of what you ate as a kid. Cookie Crisp tastes like cardboard with off colored specks called “chocolate chips”. Fruity Pebbles should be renamed “Colorful citric acid”. The marshmallows in Lucky Charms are sugar coated packing peanuts and is a straight up crime against our children. Cereal isn’t just bad for you, it tastes like shit on top of it. At least let these empty calories taste ok.

Even the “healthy” cereals aren’t worth it. They’re still mostly processed carbs, but they trade the sugary coatings with fiber. That’s fitting, but you can do way better for fiber.

Oatmeal – I mean, is anyone really going to defend oatmeal? It’s one of the blandest foods imaginable. Oatmeal’s idea of exotic is adding brown sugar to itself on the weekends to live a little.

I’ve eaten overnight oats for quite a while as a way to force myself to eat something in the morning when it’s necessary. Even with as many mix ins as you want, it’s not good. With some protein powder, overnight oats is a way to pack some nutrients in, but no matter what you add, it’s still oatmeal. You’re not going to save it. For Christ sake, Lucky Charms taste better. 

Granola Bar – These are the epitome of fake healthy. Granola bars are processed carbs, loaded with hidden sugar, and again, taste like utter garbage. If they aren’t going to be good for people, why must they taste so bad? I don’t get it. We’re punishing people twice. Whoever eats a granola bar thinks they’re making a healthy choice. Not only are they hurting their diet, they’re massacring their taste buds.

Why is every granola bar dry? We can have AI write entire book series with a few prompts, but we can’t come up with a granola bar that bests sawdust texture? After the first taste test, the companies producing this stuff should have found a new recipe. Just awful all around.

Scrambled Eggs – If the French toast fans were angry, egg heads are lighting their torches and polishing their pitchforks now. I think I see Gaston in the distance

But let’s not kid ourselves, scrambled eggs suck. I’d say they suck eggs, but that would be doubly insulting.

Eggs have the single worst texture of any food. I’ve said it a dozen times already, but it’s true. If you enjoy how bread pudding feels, then by all means, eggs are for you. They also really don’t taste like much, so the texture issues outweigh anything else.

And sure, you can jazz up scrambled eggs with cheese and mix ins, but that’s just a deconstructed omelet. The second you add something beyond eggs, butter, seasoning, and maybe some milk, you crossed over to omelet country. And to be fair, most at home omelets are prepared this way because nobody can flip over an omelet without a culinary degree. It’s impossible.

Scrambled eggs are quick, easy, and a go to for many people. They are a blandness, awful food. I’d rather skip the meal than eat these, thanks.

Stomach Turning

Ham – I seriously don’t get the point. Breakfast ham is flimsy, flavorless, and inferior to any other meat option at Breakfast. If you’re getting a side of meat, no one is choosing this over bacon or sausage. This is a blasphemous choice for a Breakfast sandwich when bacon, sausage, and the obviously superior Taylor Ham exist. It’s mind blowing the Egg McMuffin was successful with that pathetic slice of ham on it all these years.

Also, I’m going to throw Canadian bacon in here, because that’s just ham. It’s also not Canadian. I believe some company got stuck with low quality ham and called it Canadian Bacon because they thought Canada was exotic. Unfortunately, this filmsy ham product will never pass as bacon. We should just outlaw this and spread Taylor Ham to all 50 states, and Canada too. Consider it an apology for pinning Canadian Bacon on them for all these years.

Fried Egg – On the positive, fried eggs finally solve the infamous texture issues. When you prepare eggs cracked in a frying pan, they don’t have the worst texture on Earth. Congratulations to fried eggs.

The problem is they taste like complete dog shit. There’s no way to disguise the egg flavor like you can with an omelet, and despite the texture issues, somehow scrambled eggs taste way better. I’ve stepped in things more appealing than fried eggs.

Non-Orange Juice… Juice – I don’t know how common juices are at Breakfast when you’re over the age of eight, but they aren’t good. You’re much better off drinking a smoothie with the fruit in it, or just eating a piece of fruit as part of Breakfast. I understand children shouldn’t have a cup of coffee at Breakfast, so I get it, but once you’re an adult, juice doesn’t fly in the mornings. Hell, drink water instead.

I am not qualified to give health advise. I’m not saying to avoid fruit juices for the added sugar, or because most of them have less than 1% juice (What the hell is the 99.1% of the rest, anyway?). My argument is they don’t taste good enough for all the downsides. Plus, it’s frowned upon to make a mixed drink at Breakfast outside of vacation.

Poison

Pop Tart – In theory, this is a worse version of a pastry. In practice, this is an abomination that only the Uniter States makes. All of the ingredients are bottom tier. The pastry is dry and tasteless, the filling is a sugary disaster, and the frosting is sweetened paint. Pop tarts have no appeal other than convenience, but you can do better than this.

I’ll never understand why Pop Tarts have so many different flavors when they can’t even do one right. They are a jack of all trades, master of none, but they suck at each and every trade.

Note that originally, Toaster Strudel was listed here, but they are much better than pop tarts. If they were ranked, I’d place them under pastries, but Pop Tarts seem way more common since the average consumer is, well, dumb.

Milk – Just like with juice, after a certain age, we shouldn’t be drinking glasses of milk. It’s not tasty, and when you really think about where it comes from, best to stay away. I think of milk like other dairy products like butter and cream – you can cook with it, but don’t eat or drink it on its own.

Toast – Let’s take a food item that’s good, crisp it up so it’s crumbling and somewhat burnt, and they smear it with condiments so it’s unrecognizable. Why in the world is toast a regular part of Breakfast. This has to be a holdover from the old food pyramid where we had to eat bread every hour to meet the demand. I understand toasting bread for sandwiches when you need structural integrity, but if you want a piece of bread, just eat normal bread.

Orange Juice – I want to highlight this specifically because Orange Juice is by far the worst fruit juice. I’d argue that oranges are a bottom tier fruit, and the juice follows that trend. Their big benefit is Vitamin C, but that’s in so many other fruits and vegetables there’s no need for this. If you enjoy the taste of oranges, good for you. Feel free to drink all the orange juice you want so it’s out of my life. The only time orange tastes good is on orange chicken, and we all know that’s because of the gallons of chemicals mixed in.

Hard Boiled Egg – And here we are, the worst of the worst. This combines all of the bad parts of Breakfast into one. First of all, it’s an egg, so it can’t be good. Texturally, it’s awful, and there’s virtually no taste. The fact that a hardboiled egg keeps the yoke and egg white separate, highlights just how disgusting both of these are on their own. There is no part of this that’s appealing.

Hard Boiled Eggs are recommended for diets. There’s a lean source of protein, but we all know the real reason why. After you eat one, you never want to eat again. There’s never been a better diet food than this.

In conclusion

For decades, we’ve heard that Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That’s great and all, but why the Hell should be believe that? We were told that we needed 11 servings of bread throughout the day and once had a Camal mascot try to sell “adults” cigarettes. Yeah, adults aged 11-16. Excuse me for having doubts. We’re supposed to trust the same industry that sells this abomination:

My theory remains that Big Egg – in cooperation with Big Kale of course, have infiltrated the FDA. Breakfast gets pushed as an important meal and Big Kale gets to be a superfood. Everyone wins, except the billions of hard working, good people forced to suffer through this heinous, greed-based propaganda. Its so evil, I’m shocked Peppa Pig isn’t involved.

If you want to burn calories on mediocre, disappointing food, go ahead and enjoy Breakfast. There’s nothing illegal about it, but keep in mind there’s nothing illegal about Cycling in Public too. Go ahead and triple your sugar levels eating pastries that don’t hit the spot, or bland healthy crap that leaves you hungry. Hell, you might even give into Big Egg – arguably the world’s most overrated food. I’d eat pizza for every meal over a single egg. Yes, I know that doesn’t sound bold, but follow the link to understand, and get even angrier.

No, Little Caesar’s does not count as pizza.

Why do we have to limit ourselves to these awful foods? If we must eat Breakfast, why can’t we eat something good? Think of poor Noodle Boy, a social pariah, just because he tries to eat a saucy pasta dish at 7:30 AM. In an evolved society, we wouldn’t mock him; we would praise him for standing up against the machine and eating something he enjoys. In fact…

No, I’m sorry. I can’t write the rest of that paragraph in good faith. Even if we didn’t have locked in Breakfast foods, we’d mock the ever-loving shit out of Noodle Boys. By the first stop, that person is being justifiably eviscerated. He’d have to move out to the state and start a new life. I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

People should just eat what they want – within reason – for Breakfast. I don’t recommend following in Noodle Boy’s shoes or starting the day with a freshly microwaved fish, but why can’t we eat lunch or dinner foods to start the day? Honestly, the ingredients and macros are very similar, but lunch and dinner foods are just better. This shouldn’t even be an issue, and everyone would just be happier. Well, except Noodle Boy, but I mean, we have to follow some semblance of a society.

I’d like to end by saying a muffin is just an unfrosted cupcake with just as many calories. Therefore, this site endorses Breakfast Cake as the Breakfast food of 2025. I promise you, you’ll feel better for the first two weeks… And then after that you’re on your own.*******⁶

1. *Bloggin Hood’s legal team strongly advises against taking the previous paragraph as legal advice ↩︎
2. **Bloggin Hood’s legal team strong advises Bloggin Hood to shut the goddamn hell up and get back on topic. ↩︎
3. ***If you’re reading from outside of America, please insert your country or region there, and then cheer out of support. ↩︎
4. ****Damn it! Bananas are classified as berries. ↩︎
5. *****Has anyone not been to a Breakfast buffet? I feel like it’s a right of passage to be disappointed by these at hotels growing up. ↩︎
6. ****** Bloggin Hood’s legal team will sue Bloggin Hood for spreading Breakfast Cake Disinformation. Peppa Pig will be their star witness. ↩︎