Bran – Game of Thrones True Villain Or Go Turn Into a Tree Already

Please note the following entry will contain copious amounts of spoilers. If you haven’t caught up with the last season of Game of Thrones, even if you read the books, you will be spoiled. Granted if you don’t care and just want me to get mad and shows intending to be entertaining, feel free. However, if you intend to watch Game of Thrones, you’ll want to skip this entry and catch up. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of mediocre content coming.

Spoilers will begin after the warning. Don’t say you didn’t have like nine attempts to click out.

 

It’s rare for a show like Game of Thrones to have so much popularly. The fantasy genre is not for everyone, usually reserved for those into role play outside of the bedroom. Considered nerdy for decades, the fantasy genre recent gained a lot of mainstream appeal thanks to Game of Thrones, and it’s easy to see why. Sure, the series is well written (well, the books are anyway…) but great character arcs and actual depth don’t grab people’s attention. You know what does? Murder and breasts. And if there’s anything Game of Thrones have, it’s violence and breasts.

Even with the mature rating, it’s rare that shows get away with so many graphic depictions of violence. Without getting into specifics, the episodes include stabbing someone in the eye, decapitations, stabbing a pregnant woman right in the baby, feeding a different baby to dogs, squished a man’s head into the dirt and of course, burnt a small, sweet child alive. This is only a fraction of the violence in the show, but it’s what stands out the most. Writing this all out, it makes me wonder, why does everybody like this show again? Do people gather around the water cooler and discuss episodes like this: “Oh man, last night’s episode was awesome. Plus they torched that little girl. She’s extra crispy!” This is a different level of violence than the Walking Dead. You wouldn’t think everybody would be into extreme violence, but I guess people at least stomach it for this show.

HBO is not shy about showing sex scenes, but the early Game of Thrones episodes took great liberty. There were boobs everywhere. I mean, there were as many exposed nipples as there were swords in season one. The Playboy channel blushed. There’s also a bunch of sex scenes that drag on, just so everybody gets additional looks of T and A. Hell, they added an original character who was a prostitute who shacked up with everybody till she died. They gave Littlefinger a brothel for additional naughty exploits. When these people aren’t killing each other, they’re having orgies. Hell, Daenerys was topless for half of her scenes in season 1, which nobody complained about. The main cast stance against pointless nudity after the early seasons was one of the biggest critiques fan had.

And don’t think there wasn’t a lot of weiners. I mean, we saw Hodors. For every 2 boobs we got, there was a flopping dick. It was a penis bargain sale.

But its not all fighting and screwing. That’s just 90% of the show. Games of Thrones, again, a show that everybody likes, features some of the most deplorable human beings in literature or television. I mean, we’re talking pure villainy. Please keep in mind this is only a portion of what happened.

The Mountain – Ser Gregor Clegane is a huge bastard, literally. Standing at over eight feet tall, the mountain is the personal murder machine for the Lannisters. As a child, he burnt his younger brothers face for playing with one of his toys. That’s not very neighborly. When not killing for the Lannisters, he kills for fun, murdering all he comes across. Of course, he only murders when he’s not busy raping the innocent. Even when he is “killed”, he gets revived as a soulless murder monster. So he’s pretty much the same. That’s kind of boring.

Littlefinger – A pure schemer, Littlefinger manipulates the entire kingdom to create a war. In the midst of the chaos, he rises to power, with new titles and land, leaving destruction in his wake. He does all this to try and bang Ned Stark’s wife, Catelyn, who he’s loved since a child. When she gets killed, he shows no remorse or sadness, and attempted to bang her daughter, who is the spitting image of her. She’s also like 15 years old in the book. That’s not even a little creeper. He also kicked Catelyn’s sister, a woman madly in love with Littlefinger, down a bottomless pit after she schemed and murdered for his affection. That’s cold.

Walder Frey – A man noted for his age and cowardice, he helps organize the  the Red Wedding, killing most of the protagonists, including King Robb Stark. He also has had a bunch of wives, who he picks based on weight – the heavier chosen, the more gold he receives. One of the most honest love stories there is. He also commanding his soldiers to stab Robb Stark’s pregnant wife right in the uterus. Somehow this struggles to make it into the top five vile acts on the show.

Ramsay Bolton – Oh boy. So Ramsay is a wack job and makes everyone, including the mountain look like Ghandi. Ramsay betrays Theon (also not a good guy), and then tortures him. This wasn’t your standard torture – it included mailing his penis to his family. Then he broke the young Greyjoy to the point he believed he was a dog. He murders his father (again, not a good man and one of the main forces behind the Red Wedding) and rapes Sansa to consummate the wedding. He feeds his father’s newborn son and wife to his pet dogs. There’s no telling how many people he tortured and flayed, which means skinning alive, but it was a lot. He also enjoyed the cool, crisp taste of baby corn.

Again, everybody likes this show.

Despite all of these notorious characters, and I skipped a great deal of them, we missed the greatest villain of them all. There is no doubt in my mind the Bran Stark is the biggest jerk in Game of Thrones.

You might think this is insane. After all, Bran is a member of the Starks, the heroes of the story. However, if there’s any thing that the series has taught us, it’s that people are not black and white. The moral grey area is what makes the series great. Grey is the perfect color to describe Bran – plain, dull and boring. Bran’s biggest crime is being the world’s most boring character. Even his name is synonymous with the worst breakfast cereal. Sure, Bran is healthy for you, but every other choice you can make for breakfast is infinitely more interesting.

In the books, Bran’s motivation is basically the same, but changes a bit. His coolest attribute is that he can warg into animals (meaning he can possess them mentally). This allows him to be a threat despite being a cripple. Bran goes as far as to Warg into a human, which is extremely taboo. Somehow, the chapters remain boring as all hell despite this material. Most of Bran’s chapters involve traveling in the wilderness with nearly as uninteresting characters. When he meets the Three Eyed Raven, he meets his destiny – he is to become a tree. OK, it’s an all knowing tree that can see everything that’s happen, but still, it’s a tree. Considering Bran chapters were as exciting as watching a tree grow, this is fitting.

Had Bran’s only sin been that he was becoming a plant, I probably wouldn’t have wrote as lengthy of rant on him. Unfortunately, the show takes Bran hate to another level. Not only is Bran still boring on the show, he’s also a huge jerk. I would argue he’s a bigger jerk than the Mountain, or even Ramsay. No, he’s not evil, but he’s supposed to be one of the good guys, at least in theory. He’s an asshole to nearly everyone he comes across. I will provide examples for all the unforgivable incidences he caused, and all the people he crushed with his uncaring, aloof expression.

So yeah, not only is he a jerk, he’s boring too. Not really going to help you on the dating scene Brandon. Let’s count the times Bran was a dick.

1). In the first episode, Bran is pushed out a window by Jaime, leading to his paralysis.

I know what you’re thinking. How the hell can him nearly being killed make him a jerk. I’ll tell you how – not respecting other’s privacy. Jaime was trying to have sex with the love of his life in his guest room. There’s nothing illegal there. Now, the fact that the love of his life is his twin sister who was married to the king of the Seven Kingdom is another issue, but we won’t get into that. The point is, Bran has no business peaking in their window, especially since it was several stories up.

The only reason he was even up there in the first place was because he disobeyed his mother. Catelyn made Bran promise he wouldn’t climb up the castle because it was dangerous. Bran promises, and then climbed up the castle later that day. What a little asshole. Then, he uses his disobedience to spy in someone’s bedroom. I mean, that’s not the actions of a good guy. That’s the action of a little sneak who wants to blackmail a poor, innocent man (who having some raunchy sex with a person with an identical linage and genes, but whatever). Stop being a peeping tom Bran. Honestly, the only thing Jaime did wrong was not kill him.

Later in the season, Joffrey sends an assassin to kill Bran, but fails, and Tyrion is blamed for ordering the hit. Had Bran just died, thousands of lives would have been spared. How selfish of him to survive. He couldn’t even just take one for the team.

Ok fine, the last part is not Bran’s fault, but let’s just say I was rooting for the assassin.

2). Bran escapes Theon’s clutches, leading to the deaths of two peasant children

When Theon takes over Winterfell, he needs to send a message that he is heir to the castle. Since he was a squire to Ned, he would justify being next in line if all of Ned’s children were dead. As Robb was king in the North, Sansa was Joffrey’s Slave/Bride and Arya was presumed dead, he would merely need to kill Bran and Rickon Stark.

Filled with guilt for killing the two kids, Theon let’s them escape. To cover up his blunder, Theon kills two other children, tars them so they cannot be recognized and pretends he killed the Stark boys.Now, here’s an issue. Do we really consider non nobles to matter so little that there deaths are ok but Bran’s isn’t? That’s entirely untrue. Bran’s death would have given us peace. It would have given Jaime a true sense of satisfaction usually provided exclusively by Cersei.

But no, it wasn’t meant to be.Bran’s selfish escape killed two innocent kids.

By the way, the books explicitly make Theon’s murders not seem to bad since it wasn’t royal blood. Like, I understand there’s a noble narrator bias, but really? Like, can we not brush past the kids?

3) Bran doesn’t care about Joren’s death

During the journey to meet the Three Eyed Raven, a lot of awful things happened. However, none worse than toward the end of their journey, when Bran and his comrades are attacked mere feet away from the Three Eyed Ravens lair. In the chaos, Joren is killed, willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good. While the remaining members of the team want to grieve when reaching the cave, Bran doesn’t give a single shit. He only cares about his purpose. He moves on, leaving the rest of his teammates shocked and disappointed in him.

Now, I get that this is important, and it’s haunted Bran for about 2 years’ time, but man, how about a tear or two first? Joren’s body wasn’t even cold yet.

Ok, he died in the middle of a snow field, so it was cold, but not COLD cold, you know?

4). Bran uses Summer and Hodor, ultimately sacrificing them for his own life.

To me, this is the most heinous thing Bran ever did. Bran uses his warging power to jump into Summer whenever there’s any danger. I don’t think this was always malicious, but I can’t think a direwolf likes sharing his conscious with a boring jerk.

Hodor has a similar fate, being chosen to carry Bran on his back during his travels. He too becomes a vessel for Bran at times, and he is used to kill Locke by snapping his neck. Hodor is clearly traumatized by his event, but Bran doesn’t care. This is the greatest taboo a person can commit. Warging into an animal is a great sin on it’s own, but doing so in another person? That’s like double secret blasphemy.  It’s not as though Bran asked to do so. He just used his mind to take over poor Hodor’s and violated him without any consent. it’s like the typical day in the office at the Weinstein Company. First he was a pack mule, and then he was used without consent. Not exactly a good couple of season for Hodor.

Things get much worse when Bran stupidly gets touched by the Night’s king in a vision. This act results in the Night King finding Bran’s location and comes to attack with the army of the undead. The “heroes” have no prayer against the army, which gets the three Eyed Raven killed. To try and protect Bran, Summer takes on a full mob of White Walkers, and dies. Trying to escape, Bran tells Hodor to hold the door. This leads to a heartbreaking flashback where Bran’s visions actually give the young Willis a seizure. Willis continues to repeat “Hold the Door” until the effects are so great, all he can say is “Hodor”, which becomes his name. As Bran and Mera escape (Meera is forced to drag Bran on a sled), Hodor is ripped apart by the monsters.

So not only did Bran get his direwolf and friend killed, he’s the reason Hodor became a simpleton, effectively killing him twice. Hodor was one of the show’s most beloved characters. This act was unforgivable. If anybody liked Bran at this point, which I guess was possible if he put you to sleep during his sections of the show/book, this is the moment you SHOULD hate him. There is no forgiveness for what he’s done, and there’s no coming back from this. He could have dropped his pants and pooped on Ned Stark’s corpse and did less less hard toward the fanbase.

But don’t worry, there’s more.

5). Bran doesn’t care about Meera’s Sacrifices

Meera really got dealt a bad deck in this series. First, she has to escort Bran to meet the Three Eyed Raven, as instructed by her father. Along the way, she witnesses the death of her brother, Hodor and Summer. When they die, she is forced to drag Bran by herself, on a poorly crafted sled, until they finally get to sanctuary at Winterfell. When Meera tells Bran she’s leaving to head back home, all Bran mutters is “Ok, bye”. Meera passionately asks for more, after all she did, and all the rest sacrificed. Bran tells her “that doesn’t matter anymore.” That’s great. so the months of sacrifice and traveling meant nothing. Meera’s brother dying to preserve Bran’s life meant nothing. Direwolf and even poor, sweet Hodor meant nothing.

Seriously Jaime, couldn’t you have pushed him on a few spikes? You were supposed to be best knight in the realm.

Sure, Bran became an all-knowing Westeros encyclopedia, but for Christ sake the girl just wants to be appreciated. She felt so hurt by all of this, I doubt she’ll be in good shape the next time we see her. She’ll either be hitting the bottle pretty hard, or face down, killed by someone, probably the Mountain. I’m sure Bran will be guilty then.

No he won’t. Bran will probably laugh at her misfortune and give the Mountain some dap. He doesn’t care. But certainly he must care about his family, right?

6). Bran doesn’t care about all the misery Ssansa and Arya have experienced

That’s going to be N-O- no there.

When Arya, Sanasa and Bran all meet up, it’s the first time 3 Starks have been in the same scene since season 1. It’s a huge deal, and the audience expected a tearful reunion, and the first pure joy has had since… well ever. We were going to get a moment where somebody we cared about was not dying. Truly, it would be the best moment of the season. The fans are not treated to this joy. Bran had nearly no reaction to seeing either of them. He basically just says “oh, it’s you guys”. This is after years apart where all three suffered horribly. Yet he doesn’t care in the slightest. Both sisters call him out on it, and he says some gibberish about how he’s different from most people. This is true; most people aren’t inconsiderable assholes to their family.

Bran can see everything now since he downloaded the Westeros.exe file into his brain. He knows all the struggles Sansa went through, including her horrific night with Ramsay. What does Bran say to Sansa, a clearly troubled woman who is trying to get her life back in order? He says “You looked beautiful on your wedding night.” Are you frigging kidding me? She got raped that night and that’s the line you go with? God, ouldn’t the Night King just let Summer and Hodor go and sent an icicle right intot he bastard’s heart? The only possible way this could have been worse is if Bran said something like “Well Sansa, the way you were dressed, you were asking for it.” I’m sure he was thinking it.

I’d like to say he says something nasty of Arya, but he barely even acknowledges her existence. Which is fair. I mean, she’s had arguably the worst life out of the lot of them, which Bran knows, of course. But does he give even the slightest of shits? No. How could be be bothered to. He’s busy planting his roots and trying to engage in a little photosynthesis.

Sure, Bran does give Sansa and Arya the scoop on Litlefinger, and helps get him executed, but why did he wait until the last episode? That should have been handled the minute he met up with his sisters. Instead, he let the two sisters begin to distrust each other and almost rip each other apart. I’m sure there’s still some bitter feelings for it. All Bran had to do was share this key information and things would have gotten a lot less messy. Well, I mean, not for Littlefinger. He would have had his blood everywhere.

Which brings us to my last point.

7). Bran doesn’t tell Jon he’s going to have sex with his aunt

This one is a little tough to stomach. Ok, so we know Bran knows basically everything, including Jon’s parentage. He confirms this info to Sam, and they agree Jon is the true heir to the throne. We also know Bran can warg into anything he wants, including flying creatures, and we know his powers are so freaky that he can reach people even in the past.

SO WHY THE HELL DID HE LET JON BANG DANY?

This doesn’t make a lick of sense. He could have gotten word to Jon in a variety of ways, but instead, let them bump uglies. I mean, he could have stopped this incest but didn’t. Maybe Bran’s into it? I mean, he caught  Cersei and Jaime. It could be his fetish. But creepy turn ons aside, Jon had the right to know. Do you really think Jon would have slept with his relative if he knew this information?

He couldn’t even have gave Jon a telepathic heads up? I mean, is that too much to ask? Well for stuck up asshole plant, it obviously is.

As you can see, the evidence backs up that Bran is the biggest dick on Game of Thrones. Somehow, he combines being boring with being a jerk – something never seen before in entertainment. In ways, Bran is an innovator.

There is a way Bran can be interesting. An internet theory suggests that Bran may be the night king, thanks to his convoluted powers and some time travel buffoonery.  If this becomes true, that would be amazing. Not only would Bran finally do something interesting, he’d embrace the dark side. Plus, we could all root against him even more than we already do.

Am…Am I the only one rooting against him? Fine, at least I know I’ll have a seat on the bandwagon when the hate continues to grow.

Of course, with my luck, bran will end up warging into one of the dragons and be the key to the heroes victory. If that’s the case, consider me on #teamwhitewalkers

Hey, we have the home court advantage.