Air Bud – The Untold Story or A Complete Lack of Empathy – The Air Bud Story

I might be classified as an adult, but I’m sure not above watching cartoons. I don’t make this a daily occurrence – after all, there’s only so many free hours in a day when I’m not trying to come up with blogs full of hot takes. However, I don’t see any shame in watching a cartoon if things are done right. The new Ducktales, wherever the episodes may be, were pretty good, and not just for a cartoon. Darkwing Duck, which I have watched rather recently, also holds up well, if not in high definition quality. It’s like watching a show through a dirty pair of glasses.

I understand some of the enjoyment stems from nostalgia. We all have it for various things, and even when the joys of our youth doesn’t captivate us in the present, it’s still pretty good. We get that overwhelming feeling of childhood, happiness, and freedom from responsibilities. It also helps when you don’t actually grow up. I’m thirty now, but whenever some poor sap working at a store calls me “Mr. Hood”, I assume they’re speaking to someone else.

Mr Hood sounds like the edgier knock off of Mr. Rodgers. I’d totally watch that too.

Don’t mistake my enjoyment for well made cartoons to mean I’m accepting of all shows pointed at kids. In fact, I might be more critical of those shows than the mass produced slop on Network TV. I know shows on CBS, ABC and NBC are going to be awful. They don’t have imagination and change scares them. How else do you think Young Sheldon got green lit? A bribe? Actually that might be true*¹.

I’m more critical of kids’ shows because they have the full use of their imagination. They could probably also use their “imagination” if you know what I mean, but let’s leave that blazing, rolled up point aside for now. There’s no limits to these shows. If you can dream it, and it’s kid friendly, it can be reality. Last week, I spent some time with my godson, and we watched a show called Little Roy. It involved a cartoon boy living with a real family.  It didn’t make much sense, but my godson was fully invested, and that’s what matters. It was different, and that’s ok. I respect that. You don’t need to paint by numbers every show to teach children lessons.

Some shows fail on this uptake. Instead of entertaining kids, they try to beat their audience over the head with a moral story. I don’t need kids shows to be a sap fest. Sure, there’s lessons that TV shows can teach them, but while they’ll learning, they should be entertained. I don’t want to live in a world where “Again! Again!” revives as a meme.

Movies tend to be even worse. Typical children’s movie plots include coming of age and self discovery. Before the comments are flooded with a wave of masturbation jokes, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about stories where a child goes on a journey and learns a lot about themselves. Their likes, dislikes and passions. In the end it’s a rewarding experience they hope never to do again, until the sequel.

This still sounds like masturbation. Ah well.

A lot of these movies also focus on friendship and love. A group of kids form a bond and they go solve a great atrocity, like the stoop kid.

Then the group promise to never break apart. You know what doesn’t happen at 11 years old? An irredeemable bond. Kids don’t talk to each other for months over Pokémon cards and video games. Are we supposed to believe they’ll defeat some evil and then stay together forever? I mean, look at Stranger things. Dustin broke off and now he’s trying to sell me cable. Things change rapidly when you’re a kid and the stories they give you imply you’ll be back to the status quo. That will never happen.

And let me tell you, if everybody fell in love with their first crush, there would be a lot more problems in the world which is saying something. Think about your first one. No, don’t make it sound cooler than it was. It was almost certainly a cartoon character or your babysitter. And trust me, your babysitter does not want anything to do with you. It’s not love that changed those dirty diapers, it’s $15 an hour plus the cost of pizza. That puppy love would quickly go away when we found out what our first crush was really like – Probably a chain smoking 15 year old who dated someone four years older. There’s one one to come out of a love sick haze.

All kid movies do is give unrealistic expectations on life. Kids expect to go on a grand adventure until they wake up at 25 making cold calls to sell Hoover vacuums. We got screwed. Do you know how many times I watched Space Jam? Do you know many times I still watch Space Jam? Hell, I’m still waiting for my invitation to the game. I can’t shoot or move anymore, but I throw a mean elbow.

Kid movies need more realistic expectations. If I were writing them, they’d feature more themes that would teach kids life lessons they needed. Here’s a few examples.

1) You don’t always win – I mean, we’re giving away participation ribbons in every competition, removing scores from games, and telling our children second best is ok. No, second best is not ok. It’s not first. The first movie I’d write would focus on a group of kids playing a sport and losing in the first round of a playoff. They would be devastated. But, it would be motivation for next year and they’ll make friends along the way.

See you thought I was going to be on some dark depressed filled evil movie. Not at all. That’s a lesson kids need. They don’t need a trophy for missing the backboard by eight feet. This is why kids out of college don’t understand how to get jobs. Everything is handled to them until they get a diploma. Then the cord is cut, debt collectors roll in, and millenials have no choice but to live in their parents’ basement until they are 63.

Ok, that did get dark and depressing. Let’s move on.

2) Sometimes the bully wins – Nobody likes an asshole, unless he’s got a heart of gold. This is why Disney is making about 19 Han Solo movies.

Typically, bullies are portrayed as all muscle, but morons who always lose. They, somehow are the only ones not getting a ribbon at the end of the movie. I’d flip this and write a movie where the bully is smart, remains correct the whole time and saves everyone, while being a jerk. This will show that sometimes yo have to work with insufferable people, but it’s part of life. I wouldn’t soften up the bully at any point. He or she would just win. Imagine in the karate kid if the cobra kai just whopped Danny’s ass in the final. Just a grade A ass whooping Stone Cold would appreciate. There would be your lesson -sometimes people are cocky because they’re really good. Be careful out there.

3). Some people are mean for no reason – This is where I have to give the Peppa Pig creators some props. They made a giant douche bully with no regard for anyone but herself, only nobody figured it out because she’s like five. I’m not going to say congrats to Peppa for being a jerk, but at least the kids know not to befriend you.

Now, what I were to tell you there was a scene in a kid’s movie that managed to tackle all these themes, but was left on the cutting room floor? Keep that in mind. We got a little move discussion to go.

Air Bud isn’t just a kids’ basketball movie. It’s a terrible kids’ basketball movie. There’s no way the men and women who worked on this “film” could possibly sleep at night with a clean conscious. It hits on every stereotype in the world, and tries to sell the movie on having a cute cuddly dog. There’s no doubt that Bud is a specimen of a puppy, but this doesn’t save the rest of the film from being a cinematic tragedy. It failed all of us repeatedly.

If you haven’t seen Air Bud, congratulations. You saved your self from a miserable 80 minutes you cannot get back, even after death. The movie is about a dog who, after being a performer and dumped by his owner, is found by the co-star, an 11 year old boy. Now, I know the kid doesn’t have a clue what Bud did prior to meeting him. After all, this could be a rabid stray dog hoping to chomp on his frail, flavorless flesh. But the boy takes Bud into his home, and after being on the basketball team for about 5 minutes, what does he do? Does he let the dog have a normal peaceful life like he clearly wants? Of course not.

They make the dog perform. For Christ’s sake, he just escaped a life of brutal shows and performances without any love, and that’s what you throw him into? Shame on the writers for this. They make the poor dog suffer traumatic flashbacks for the sake of a halftime show. Just give us a juggling person on a unicycle and save the dogs, you monsters.

This may surprise you, but I also have several issues with the story.

 

First, early on in the movie, the coach begins to pelt basketballs at one of his players who can’t catch. I mean, he whips them at the kid, who can do little by poorly defend himself due to lack of coordination. There’s a couple issues here. Firstly, how did this kid make the team? I mean, I know it’s middle school, but come on? There’s got to be some standards. We invented equipment managers for a reason.

Secondly, holy shit is this dark when you think about it. Here’s a deranged coach whipping a student for being bad at middle school sports. Bobby Knight shakes his head in shame at this display. Doesn’t this guy know the appropriate way to get aggression out at school is to make the team play dodge ball? This way, you can launch projectiles as hard as you can and it won’t hurt the kids. That’s a way to avoid a lawsuit.

Naturally, the abusive coach was fired. And who was he replaced with. Why, the school’s handyman. Oh, who just happens to be a former NBA player.

I’m sorry, why are you a handyman at the school? More importantly, why the hell was that psychopath the coach when there was an NBA talent right on the premises? There’s no literary way to explain this other than “We forgot”. If I was the director or a producer of this movie, I would have fired the writing staff on the spot and locked them in a small dim light room with the angry coach. Now that’s a movie I’d watch.

As the story progresses, the new, professionally trained coach, calls out his best player for ball hogging. An NBA player calls out a kid for ball hogging? I guess he wasn’t very good. Besides, hasn’t he played at the middle school level? We all know the best player takes all the shots and all the other kids kind of hang out, maybe grab a rebound, and shoot only when the best player says it’s ok. It’s like the third most important rule of the playground, after no cooties, and no tag backs. This might be more unbelievable than the dog being good at basketball.

But no, it gets worse. The kid’s father gets angry that an NBA player tried to teach his spoiled bastard son how to play the game, so he pulls him from the school and enrolls him in the rival school who end up clashing in the championship. What a twist! Who does this kid think he is, Kevin Durant? You can’t just go play with another school. This is pure basketball. Not something corrupt and ugly like the NCAA, or AAU, or, well, pretty much any level of basketball they have. I remember playing Pee Wee basketball at six years old, and a nun told me to shave three points for a couple of chocolate bars. It was no joke.

 

I guess this part of the movie is kind of realistic.

 

The movie also ends with a tacky court case between the dog’s former owner, and the boy who kind of kidnapped him. The only reason the judge even considers not giving the dog back to the original owner, you know, the one who has the legal paperwork, is because the the judge was a fan of the former NBA player. Here’s a great life lesson for the kids: Remember, the law doesn’t matter when you know somebody famous.

How was this a thing? I know, they had to keep the dog in the kid’s possession, but  ridiculous court case only settled by favoritism. The original owner did shows? Nobody could have just recorded his abusive treatment? No, let’s let Chuck Person or whoever help change pet ownership because he was good at dribbling an orb

Despite all this grating, disturbing, and downright illegal plot threads, one was missing. Air Bud playing on the team.

 

No, this might not be going where you’re thinking. I don’t really care that the dog played basketball. That was the whole premise, and no matter my opinions, that’s not budging. I mean, the dog committed several traveling violations, never establishing even one pivot paw, but I’ll let that go. What I’m concerned is the roster spot.

Teams, no matter what level, can only carry a certain number of players. In small schools, it’s kind of irrelevant as everyone just plays. But in big schools, they have cuts. This is one of the most nerve racking moments in a high school career. Making a team, no matter what role, gets you status, a jacket and points with most of the members of the same/opposite gender, depending on preferences. Getting cut means none of this. It means humiliation and sadness.

Now, imagine you’re on the team and get kicked off because they want a dog to play.

That’s the story I wanted to here. Yet, Air Bud skipped over this to focus on the shitty story nobody even watched. And least that’s what we thought.

 

Fortunately, I’ve obtained a copy of the original Air Bud Script where this very issue is addressed. The scene was cut for “not enough cute dog”, but it’s still an important growth moment for kids. It touches not always winning, bullies being right and people being mean for no reason. Without further ado, here is the locked scene from Air Bud.

 

*Scene (Int) – A mother and father are at the dinner table. Their son Nathan walks in and sits at the table. He says nothing but continues to eat. The parents looks at each other confused*

 

Mother: Nathan? Are you ok?

Nathan: *Mouth full of bread* I’m fine.

Mother: I’m sorry dear. I can’t hear you.

 

*Nathan slams his bread down*

 

Nathan: I said I’m fine!

Mother: You don’t seem fine.

Father: It’s not the puberty is it? I’m not ready for the talk.

Nathan: No! *His voice cracks* I got cut from the team.

Mother: Oh hunny. I’m so sorry.

Father: Weren’t you on the team for a month though?

Nathan: They got a new player. Air Bud.

Mother: His name is Air Bud?

Nathan: It’s his nickname, Mom! And they want him to play in the championship game instead of me. Coach NBA Player told me to give Bud my jersey.

Father: Well, if they’re cutting me son, this Air Bud must be our Michael Jordan. How tall is he son. 6’5”?

*His son shakes his head*

Father: Wow, he’s taller than that?

Nathan: He’s only 3 feet.

Father: What? Why didn’t you just step on him or something?

Nathan: Because he’s a dog!

Mother: Nathan! I know you’re upset but you don’t need to call him names.

Nathan: No he’s a dog. A golden retriever. And he’s better at basketball than me!

 

*Nathan storms out of the room in tears*

 

Mother: Wow.

Father: He obviously gets that from your genes.

Mother: My genes? My brother player lacrosse in college.

Father: That’s not even a real sport.

Mother: God. What are we even going to say to him?

Father: I told you. We could have gave him up for adoption. But no, you wanted to raise the little shit.

Mother: Oh, great idea. Try explaining to my mother where my belly went after 9 months?

Father: Maybe you finally did some cardio. Lord knows you need it.

Mother: Ok, let’s stop. We need to talk to our son.

Father: It’s not too late to call the adoption agency.

Mother: Rock Paper Scissors to decide who goes up.

Father: Your on.

*They play. The mother throws out paper. The father clearly throws out rock but tries to cheat*

Father: Err, Scissor! I win.

Mother: Get your ass out there.

Father: Do I have to?

Mother: If you ever want to see me outside of a parka again.

Father: I’m bringing my flask.

 

*The father chugs a hearty sip beyond going into Nathan’s room*

 

Father: Son?

Nathan: Go away.

Father: Oh thank god. *The father tires to leave but the mother glares at him from behind* FINE!

 

*The father sits on the bed next to his son. He sighs*

 

Father: You know, I tired out for football when I was in high school. Everyone was going for the team. I sweated my ass off for a full week before the cuts came out. It was the most nerve racking moment of my life.

Nathan: And… You got cut too?

Father: Hell no! I made the team and got laid that night!

 

*There is a clear cough coming from outside the door*

 

Father: But, I got complacent. The next year when I tried out, I didn’t make it. I got cut too.

Nathan: Was it a dog?

Father: What are you dumb? Of course not.

 

*There is a second, angrier cough heard*

 

Father: But son, the times are changing. I mean, when I played, it was all men. Now, they let dogs on the court. Who knows? Maybe in a couple of years, women can play sports too.

Nathan; Dad, they can. They have for years.

Father: I’ll never forget my shock at the plant that day when they told him I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing without changing.

Nathan: Dad, that was a sexual harassment charge.

Father: And they never fought it before. I mean, if you can’t squeeze an ass at work, what’s the point?

Nathan: This isn’t helping.

Father: But look. Your mother makes way more than me.

Nathan: Because you got fired.

Father: Yes, the times they are a-changing. Look sport, don’t get sad. Did you really like basketball?

Nathan: Well… no.

Father: Maybe this is a blessing. Let that mutt play basketball. I want you do take up whatever you enjoy.

Nathan: Really?

Father: Absolutely. Have something in mind?

Nathan: Well… yeah. I always wanted to try the ballet.

Father; What? WHAT?!

 

And thus ended the unreleased scene from Air Bud. I don’t know, I think the movie works a lot better with the scene. It fits with all the hidden subtext.

 

Just remember, if you’re son or daughter gets cut from a team due to a dog, a cat, or even a parrot, don’t get angry at them. Get angry at the coaches for choosing an animal over a human. Remember, your anger should always go toward the coaches, who are holding your kid back.

1. *Unless of course any of you fine networks are looking for programming. I wasn’t talking about you [insert network name here]. I was talking about the other one. Now, slip in to something more comfortable a read an 80 page script about syllabuses.