Writer’s Block or The Highly Anticipated Return of Bloggin Hood*
August 3, 2024*Any anticipation of Bloggin Hood’s return is questionable at best and likely paid for propaganda. Content on this blog remain banned in several counties in the Midwest, Northeast and the entirety of South Dakota. Do not read, share or mention Bloggin Hood articles to anyone under the age of 35. Writer’s Block is likely a cover for the innate rambling that will follow.
Writing has always been something that’s come naturally to me. I can’t say I’m necessarily good at it – I mean, you’ve seen some of the content on this site. Regardless, it’s come easier for me than most. In Kindergarten, I remember handwriting page long stories. These were previews of future blog posts, complaining about the hot topics at recess. My rant on the lack of juice variety is still praised in grade schools across the country.
Over the past few years though, this ability dried up. I can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but something has changed in the way I write. A few years ago, I could jot down 2,500 words in one or two sittings. Now, it takes everything in my power to write more than a few paragraphs without slamming the delete key.
During this drought, plenty of ideas spring in my head on a daily basis. There are roughly 50 ideas I have tucked away that have the potential to be true Bloggin Hood classics. The type of posts that illicit random, long, angry responses from strangers make it all worthwhile. I can even outline every part of my ideas – the nonsensical 1,000 word opener, the extremely flimsy tie in, and then the hastily conclusion to the article. These are the true Hallmarks of this site.
With all that, it’s amazing I’m not cashing million dollars checks off of each post.
The problems begin once the Word doc opens. Previously, a blank text document was a gateway for my ramblings. The past couple of years, it’s been a puzzle impeding any writing at all. I’m not sure if this is true Writer’s Block or something else, but the best comparison I can give is a multiple-choice test. Did you ever take one of these where you kept getting the same answer for 6 or 7 questions in a row? You know, where you keep selecting C, and even though you’re sure it’s the right answer, you start to second guess it?
Shout out to the godless teachers who set up tests this way on purpose. They probably switched to a career as a therapist afterwards to cash in on the students they traumatized.
When I came across a test like that, I often changed one of those answers to something else. Was this dumb? Yes, incredibly, but it made me feel better. This is why I preferred essays over multiple choice tests, which sounds insane even though I believe it. At least I have control of my own thoughts writing an essay. It just takes a run of C’s to make my question my sanity on a standardized test.
While writing, I’ve been able to make significant progress on a post, up until I start re-reading. I’ll question one line, or one paragraph, and change it. But by changing that section, I have to go back and update the intro. Then, some key points no longer work. Ultimately, I end up spending so much time re-working the post, I lose all motivation, delete everything and quit for a couple weeks. All because I didn’t trust having a couple of C’s in a row.
I honestly don’t know what’s worse – not being able to write at all, like the traditional Writer’s Block, or writing thousands of words that can’t stay on a page for more than a few minutes. The gaps in trying to work through this have grown wider. My last attempt before this post was the end of May. The only creative success I’ve had in the past eight months has been the creative swearing I’ve done while deleting what I wrote. It’s an artform. You should really hear what I’ve come up with.
Actually, you shouldn’t. It’s not age appropriate for anyone.
The kindergarten story I started with was not a total fabrication. Sure, I wasn’t exactly ranting about things, but I was actually writing even then. It’s always been a part of my life, and not having it of late has been odd, to say the least**1. Something had to give. Either I needed to conquer my Writer’s Block, or I needed to accept my days of typing out nonsense was over. I did what any rational person would – I debated in my head for weeks, doing nothing to solve the problem.
Then, after watching through “I Think You Should Leave” for the 4th time, I decided it was time to do something. Well, after the Baby of the Year sketch.
In order to break this cycle of Writer’s Block, I thought about why I made a website in the first place. This took some serious soul searching, but I determined the Five Pillars of Bloggin Hood. These are the lifeblood of the site; my mission statement if you will. My hypothesis was I was struggling with one, or maybe more than one of these pillars and needed to figure out which is was. Without further ado, here are the principles of Bloggin Hood
People love hearing about how minor, daily annoyances are life altering issues.
This is the meat and potatoes of the site. If there’s no complaining about first world problems that barely change the course of a day, what’s the point? From the start, any slight inconvenience was a potential post.
Surely, life hasn’t gotten easier over the years. I’d argue there’s more things to complain about now than ever.***2 At no point during the Writer’s Block did I stop complaining, so this can’t be the problem. I’d argue this post is complaining about Writer’s Block. That feels like the most first world problem ever. Perhaps I’m too good at this pillar.
If ever given the opportunity to sell out for even a cent, do it without hesitation.
I don’t advocate selling out against one’s principles, but if those remain intact, let me know where I need to sign. If Big Kale came to me and offered some money to publicly denounce mini hot dogs, I would. This is an easy win-win for me. First, I get paid money, but more importantly, more mini hot dogs would be available as people listened to me. My consumption would increase, if that’s even possible. Anyone gullible enough to avoid the world’s greatest food off a crackpot’s statement deserves to lose out.
Is this hypocritical? Yes, and that’s the whole point of selling out. I get paid money to say something I don’t believe in and I don’t change at all. Hmm, sounds like I’m still right in lien with this pillar too. Might need to make a shopping list too…
Speaking of, if you’d like to read a well thought out, professional take on Mini Hot Dogs not influenced by billionaires or green superfoods, here you go.
Peppa Pig is an affront to human decency.
The world’s worst cartoon character was one of the main reasons I made this site. The people deserve to know what their children are watching. This “character” is an insult to pigs everywhere. Her lifelong mission was to ruin the reputations of decent fathers everywhere while also being a bully to her brother, classmates, and even the town. She remains a terror and a blight on our society. Eric Cartman is a better role model than Peppa Pig.****3
Safe to say this pillar is thriving. For those who need a reminder about how awful Peppa Pig is, here’s a lost script from Peppa Pig’s controversial 3rd season. This was the tamest episode of the bunch, but the internet is dark enough as it is.
The New York Mets will always let me down, but in creative ways.
The last article focused on the Mets had a paragraph about how much I loved Brett Baty. Since then, he’s had rough 7 hits in the major leagues and has been sent to the minors twice. Needless to say, I’ll be avoiding writing about any current players or glorious, franchise altering fast food characters.
Since the Mets remain, well, the Mets, safe to say this pillar is going strong.
Write as though you’re trying to win Hater of the Year against Silky Johnson.
Some believe that the meaning of life is to leave the world in a better place than when you entered it. That’s well and good, but the internet doesn’t run on that shit. The internet functions on three things – absurdity, sarcasm, and hate. Every Bloggin Hood post contains all three elements, or so I thought.
Above, I linked an article I wrote about mini hot dogs. I really like how that one came out but there was no negativity in it. It was an honest, positive post. That article was posted in September of last year, the last post until today. Could this be the cause of my Writer’s Block? Stray too far from the dark nature of the internet and be cursed?
No, that incredibly dumb.
Still, I do think there’s some truth that positivity doesn’t always lead to good writing. The best forms of entertainment, whether it be books, TV, movies, video games, ect, are entertaining because of drama or conflict. Nobody has read a book without some sort of suspense or drama since graduating from Goodnight Moon. And even that has to deal with going to sleep, something no child wants to do.
Hell, even the best comedy series over past 30 years all are mean spirited. Seinfeld paved the way by having its cast never learn a lesson while being awful people. Curb Your Enthusiasm expanded on Seinfeld, serving as both a literal and spiritual successor with a cast full of assholes. Always Sunny has followed suit, and the entirety of Veep, which constantly won awards mind you, revolves around how absurd characters can insult each other (mainly Jonah).
What I’ve realized is I’m not being a hater. I haven’t been a hater at all. And as a result, my writing has suffered for it. Instead of writing from the heart…
Wait, no. This is hating, so can’t be the heart. What the hell is the opposite of that? The kidney? Liver? I don’t think you can write from the liver. I need to stay on topic.
Instead of writing what would be a good article, I tried to be too careful. I was worried about word choices, and hitting search engine criteria. Worst of all, I tried to write things I thought people wanted to read about instead of what I wanted to write about. That will never lead to good content.
The entire point of these articles was to talk about the annoying and mundane experiences everyone goes through. Somewhere along the line, I lost the plot. Instead of trying to be like seasons 3-9 of the Simpsons, I was in season 32. And I didn’t even sell out. No wonder I had Writer’s Block.
In between my last real attempt to write in mid-May to now, Hip Hop has had their biggest mainstream beef in decades between Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Over the course of about a week, Kendrick released four songs about Drake that would make Silky Johnson blush. And sure, Drake released some songs as well, but I think most people would say Kendrick won comfortably.
In Kendrick’s first of four songs, “Euphoria”, roughly halfway through he says “I’m the biggest hater. I hate the way that you talk, I hate the way you walk, I hate the way you dress. I hate the way that you sneak diss”. This is pretty much his thesis of the four songs. For the remainder of the four songs, he attacks Drake from every possible angle. I’m not going to go into detail here, but have you heard the content in “Not Like Us? Or “Meet the Grahams?” My goodness. Hip Hop has always blurred fantasy with reality, but some of these songs get dark. It’s also some of the best music Kendrick has made in a while.
Going after one of the biggest musical artists is a risk. Kendrick Lamar successfully pulled this off in part due to his skill as an artist, but in part, out of malice. There was venom in these songs.
I don’t think “Be the biggest hater you can be” is a good slogan for kids, but that’s been my takeaway from my soul searching. Over these past few months, I’ve probably only been hated at 10% of what I’m capable of. That level is practically being kind. It’s unacceptable. Think of all the meaningless, petty nonsense that’s been happening that I haven’t commented on? The best time to write would have been 11 months ago, but the next best time to write is now. And who better to comment on the petty, the small and the otherwise meaningless shit that happens every day?
Probably like a billion people, but I called dibs, so you’re stuck with me.
In Conclusion
When Michael Jordan decided to return to the NBA (for the first time) in 1995, he released a statement that simply said “I’m back”. All he needed was two words. This article is roughly 2400 words. Does that make me 1,200 times better than Jordan? Well, numbers don’t lie.
If the Last Dance is any indication, Jordan is spiteful enough to start blogging to prove me wrong.
The joke’s on him though. One of my biggest goals is to “inspire” people to write an equally long rant in response to my posts. I don’t care if it’s positive or negative; I just want to see chaos, especially in the comments.
I don’t think there’s any way I’ll be able to snatch Hater of the Year from Kendrick Lamar in 2024. And now, Michael Jordan has the fuel he needs to beat me in 2025. Even still, I’m motivated to give it a shot. I can’t say my Writer’s Block has been cured, but this feels a lot better than anything else recently. I think it’s because I’m writing from the gallbladder.
Maybe the pancreas? I’ll figure out the opposite of the heart at some point.
- **Originally, I wrote weird instead of odd, but apparently, that’s a trigger word these days. ↩︎
- ***As long as you keep a negative outlook on life. Negative Outlook on life was the last concept cut from the 5 pillars. It’s an honorable mention. ↩︎
- ****If I ever end up in legal trouble, this line is definitely getting quoted in the court case ↩︎
