Vintage Review – Are You Afraid of the Dark (Part 1)
April 21, 2020Do you remember the 90s? Of course you do. If you’re on here, you’re either old enough to remember the full decade, or clueless on 98% of the content. In this new series, created mostly out of boredom and increased free time, Bloggin Hood and friends (but mostly Bloggin Hood) will re-watch classic shows of yesteryear. This could be a cartoon, family show, or game show. I left the tradition “adult” sitcoms and shows out of this. You don’t need me to tell you Seinfeld is funny. However, what you may remember about these shows from your youth is misguided.
Nostalgia blinds us all, like a poor, uneducated 3rd grader who stares at the sun for a few seconds too long. Somebody needs to determine whether these favorites growing up were as good as we remember, or the victim of hot smoldering nostalgia. With each show, I’ll review a specific episode. If I’m familiar with the show, it’ll be a randomly selected one, or one I particularly remember being great. If I’m not that familiar, I’ll watch the first episode to judge it. For shows I know, I’ll touch on the characters, and my recollection of the show. Then I will review, as non-bias as I can, if the show stands. You might think as a 30+ year old adult, I won’t like most of these kids shows. But again, if you think that, you’ve literally skipped every other post. Good work.
Today, we will decide if Are You Afraid of the Dark is phat or wack. You try coming up with more updated 90 terms. I dare you.
Concept
Local loser kids gather around a campfire and tell horror stories. None of the kids ever believe the storyteller has a good tale, despite the same four kids showing up every night. After the story is told, the listeners can’t believe how chilling it was. This is poor pattern recognition. Stories typically intend to scare young audiences a bit, but nothing beyond that. After all, kids need to go to bed. Can you imagine the angry parent letters if the show was legit scary?
Theme
The theme is creepy, which works for the show, though it’s nothing memorable. Thankfully, it doesn’t have lyrics. Can you amazing a show revolving around terro having lyrics? I mean, maybe they could have played some Lil Romeo music and called it a day. He was a Nickelodeon star (I think). There’s a way to scare the audience.
Perception
To my knowledge, I never sat down and watched an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode until this review. I’m sure I caught a random episode or two over the years, but I don’t really remember*. 1 I’ve never seen the point of watching something to be scared. I actually ranted against horror films in the past, questioning the point. If I want to be scared, I’ll turn on the news for 15 minutes, or review the Jets’ recent draft selections in lieu of the upcoming 2020 draft**. ** 2
My understanding of the show going in was the same cast of characters acted in each episode and cycled them in different roles. However, that doesn’t appear to be the case. The “Midnight Society” dweebs didn’t act in the actual episodes. Did the children in the opening suck that much at acting? That would be concerning; the actual “stars” of these episodes weren’t taking home any awards. I didn’t expect the show to be scary watching as an adult, but at as kid, I imagine a few of the episodes would have left me shook.*** 3
I ended up watching two episodes since I never saw the show as a kid. Since this was an hour of TV, I’m breaking this review of You Afraid of the Dark into two posts. Firstly, I’m afraid the blog would be too long reviewing two full half hour episodes. Secondly, the cast is completely different in each, and I have a lot of complaints. Third, I want to pad the post count. I mean, two clicks is better than one, and that’s based on actual, real life Math. So the remaining of this post is a review for The Tale of Midnight Madness, a true masterpiece in mediocre television.
Characters:
Yes, I did have to google to get these names, as I had no idea of any of them.
Pete – The main character of the episode, Pete cares way too much about saving the movie theater and his summer job. I guess you can call him brave, but I mean, in 22 minutes, there’s not a ton of character growth here. He doesn’t seem to get sarcasm, or hints, which we’ll get into soon.
Katie – The main female character of the episode, Katie at least has a touch of personality to her. This makes her the second most interesting character in the series. She’s sarcastic and takes repeated shots at Pete that he doesn’t catch. According to IMDB, this is her only acting credit. That’s a shame. She could have had a mediocre Hallmark Christmas movie career if she played her cards right, mostly cause her character is named Katie. Alas, this is her legacy performance. I hope the royalties have been generous.
Mr. Kristoph – The owner of the movie theater who’s upset by the lack of profits. This makes him a minor villain in the episode for some reason. I’m not sure how that works, but sure. If there’s ever been a character easily pegged to be victimized in an episode, it’s this bozo. Complete non character with less acting chops than a potted plant.
Dr. Vink – So, according to the internet, this guy is a recurring character in the series. He comes around, screws stuff up and leaves cryptic messages. Great. Just by the fact he’s not a one and done like everyone else, he’s the most interesting character in the series. Congrats on such a deserving honor.
Old Woman – So, there’s no personality here at all, but I needed to point her out, because she’s easily the most confusing character in the script. I feel like the writers didn’t even try and I actually laughed at loud at her usage. The fact I’m not writing some awful kids show right now is proof that I’m either a terrible writer, or there is no justice in the world today.
Midnight Society Kids – I’m not here to talk about the kids themselves, but I want to question this whole society. So, I’m led to believe that these preteen-age kids are allowed to go out to the woods late at night and tell stories? There’s a multitude of problems here.
Firstly, what group of parents think this is a good idea? They go out into the woods and set a fire. Not only that, they regularly add to the fire to spice is up before telling their little ghost story. You’re trusting these kids with fires? I mean, whichever little wiener kid told this story added an old woman to the plot for no reason. If they can’t grasped storytelling, they probably aren’t going to control a fire. My question is how many of the kids in the society are replaced unceremoniously due to “accidents”.
Also, who’s lining up to get involved in this? This show came out in the 90s. I’m all about hanging out, but not in the damn woods. Think about how many mosquitoes and bugs are crawling around while you listen about people getting murdered. Sounds like a great time. If there’s even one animal sound from the woods, I’d be out. Fortunately, I doubt many of the members were good runners, so I’d have the survival advantage.
Listen, unless we’re in somebody’s backyard in, you know, civilization, I’m out. I’ll stick with my Super Nintendo and have a much better night. If you’d be into this stuff, more power to you. But I was out on these kids the second they threw some pixie dust into the fire. And it gets significantly worse in the second episode.
Plot – The Tale of Midnight Madness
Watching this episode in modern times was somewhat ironic. The entire plot revolves around a failing movie theater. In the early 90s, this made sense. People actually went to the movies. In 2020, pandemics aside, nobody goes to the theater. We have more entertainment options than we know what to do with. Most movies are widely available on streaming services in weeks after the initial release. And if you can’t wait, you just illegally watch it. I mean, the real mystery is who’s dropping $15 for a movie ticket and an additional $20 for snacks?
But in the 90s, I can see this being a decent plot idea. I wonder what gave the theater problems. Was it the rise of Blockbuster Video? I hope it was because of Blockbuster Video. Let’s go full 90s here and swim in the delicious irony.
My favorite part of unintentional comedy is early in the episode. Pete asks the old woman, the only attendee of a movie, if she enjoyed the show. Rudely, she tells him it sucked and shoves him out of the way to leave. From how it was acted, she believes Pete makes the movies. Ma’am, he’s an usher, not a director. Keep your bitterness to people who deserve it, like the owner of the theater.
Kristoph is devastated by the total sales of the night. they made $6 off concessions, including a soda Pete brought. The employees have to pay for their soda? That’s Mr. Krabs-esque. Also, a soda at the movies today probably costs $18, so the $6 total is telling. The only attendee all night was the old woman, who wasn’t carrying trash. That old hag littered on her way out on top of everything else. I bet she brought Whoppers.
Pete cares far too much about the movie theater closing. He’s probably 16, and this has to be a summer job. Who cares if the place is struggling or closes? You’re 16. You’ll get to work other, soul crushing service industry jobs. He goes to great lengths to try to save the theater, trying to preserve it as landmark. It’s a crappy theater, my guy. Nobody should care about any job as much as Pete cares about being an usher. Wait, maybe he is making the movies and that’s why he cares so much. It makes way more sense, especially the low attendance.
No, that’s not it. he cares because he’s in love with his co worker, cause of course he’s is.
I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming, but this episode has a love story as the sub plot. In fact, the second episode does too. Why? Why do we need awkward, teenage romance in this? It’s tacked out, and horrifically awkward. I loved it.
Pete wants Katie so bad I thought it was a Hallmark romance for a minute. Katie has zero interest in him. Now, when I say zero interest, I don’t mean Katie leads him on. She politely declines every advance Pete tries, but he doesn’t catch on. He asks her out to get food which she declines directly. Later, when the business starts truing around, he tries hugging her and gets denied. Hell, even after he saves the day, and likely her life, he still gets nowhere. Is this the true horror of the episode – the friend zone? That’s something that’ll keep all of us up at night. Good job sneaking the real terror as the sub plot.
After Pete starts his efforts to save the theater, tKristoph immediately announces the theater will close. I imagine the theater had poor sales for years. The second an employee feels motivated, this dick decides to shut it down. It was obvious this guy was going to suffer. At first, I assumed he would be murdered. However, this is a kid’s channel, so he’ll probably only get horribly maimed, and recover.
Two days before closing, the insane Dr. Vink arrives. When I first watched, I thought this was just a random crazy man and had a huge rant prepared on Dues Ex Machina. Instead, the show encourages us to just accept this guy is special. Yeah sure, that’s good writing.
The Dr. enters through locked doors, which only Pete shows concern about. He promises he can save the theater if they play his movie. It’s a black and white silent film form the 1920s. No, that will get butts in the seats. If there’s one thing people love, it’s grainy films without voices or music. This might be the worst idea in the episode. Even worse then Pete making a third pass at his co-worker.
While playing their normal, sucky films, one of the reels break. Pete has no choice but to put on the disaster Dr Vink provided. The crowd readied their tomatoes and expletives. Sadly, nothing is hurled.
Naturally, everyone loves this old, unwatchable film. The theater ends up packed. One of the biggest fans is the old woman. She tells Pete she’ll come back if the movies remain this good. No shit granny. You went to the movies every day when they sucked. Like, what was the point of her saying this? My theory is that she lives in the theater, surviving on popcorn, candy and diet coke. I’d give her a pass on watching the movie; she was old enough to be the leading actress. But are you really buying a black and white movie would drum up business? I’m guessing the Dr spiked the soda with LSD.
Now, the friend zone was scary enough, but Nickelodeon didn’t stop. In the episode’s not so shocking twist, the movie villain comes to life. The villain, Nosferatu (AKA Dracula), would be much scarier if not in black and white. Nosferatu immediately attacks Kristoph, turning him into a vampire. Is that the most predictable moment in TV history? It might be.
It’s a good thing nobody was in the theater when this happened, or else things would have been tragic. This made no sense. Wasn’t the theater attendance spiking? Now, nobody happens to be there when the murdering begins? I think the show ran out of budget and could only cast the kids at this point. Hell, real life Pete might only have accepted the role to hit on Katie in the first place.
After roughly 8 seconds of drama, Pete deciphers he can enter the movie via TV Bullshit. He tricks the ancient, all powerful monster into returning to the screen and traps him in his coffin without issue. Thanks for the cameo Dracula. This reverts Kristoph to a human. Everyone is happy, and the kids are safe. Pete still doesn’t get that date though.
The episode ends with Dr Vink, eating popcorn in the seat. He says he purchase the theater, which the owner didn’t know. Was this done when he was a vampire? I don’t think that counts. He couldn’t give consent.
I mean, literally. Kristoph couldn’t give consent because he’s a horrific actor.
Vink says he plans to release more of his movies now and laughs heartily as the episode ends. I suppose this is a threat? I mean, if his schemes are this bad, I don’t like his chances. This was a bad business move. Who’s going back to the theater after a monster attack? Well,besides that old woman who will complain there were too many shades of gray in the film.
Finally, what kind of Doctor is Vink anywhere? I don’t believe that man went to medical school. Hopefully, he’s a Doctor of Love to help poor Pete. Poor one out for his broken heart.
Review:
My recommendation on the series will come in part 2. This episode was not great. However, the unintentional comedy saved it. That old woman was atrocious.
