Valentine’s Day – An Expensive Male Trap or This Article is Brought to You By 1-800 Flowers*

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Holidays are weird. There’s plenty of good holidays that bring families and friends together. I’m ok with those. However, there’s an entirely different class of holidays that fail to celebrate anything worthy at all. In fact, many of these holidays don’t even give us the day off. What’s the point of that? Let’s celebrate a day with nothing different other than saying “Happy XDay”. No thanks. Keep your second-rate holidays and give me more Christmases.

Every year, there’s holidays we celebrate the completely wrong way. I’m not trying to say there’s a right and wrong way to do things, but we miss the point of some of these celebrations. Embarrassingly so. Don’t believe me? Consider these holidays:

Columbus Day – Let’s celebrate a man who killed thousands of natives and credit him for discovering what was already discovered centuries before. Columbus didn’t even find a passage to the part of the world he was looking for. He was so bad at his job and a complete asshole but still gets a day named after him. This is like Harvey Weinstein getting a holiday named after him in 2035.

St Patrick’s Day – To celebrate the patron saint of Ireland, and Irish heritage, everybody drinks Guinness and Jameson until they’re blackout drunk. I’d say this is sacrilegious, but I went to Catholic schools my whole life. If there’s one thing I know, it’s just priests can throwback with the best of them. One of my high school teachers took gulps from a poorly hidden flask in between periods. This one is likely celebrated wrong, but technically the participants are following in the way of religious, so maybe it’s ok to have a bit of the sacrament on March 17th.

Labor Day – We celebrate labor by not doing labor. This is definitely backwards. I’m not complaining about a day off (actually, I kind of am), but shouldn’t we all work overtime on Labor Day? Maybe this needs a re-branding. Somebody call up Jon Taffer and have him work on this.

Of course, the most disrespectful, improperly celebrated holiday of them all, is Valentine’s Day. A few of you are nodding your heads and a few of you are angry. Let’s see if I can earn more nods.

Valentine’s Day started as a celebration of a saint. As usual, that went the way of the Dodo quickly. It then became a way from people to express their love for one another. Yes, society was so jaded even back before the internet that a day had to be created to inform people that expressing love was essential. Slowly, gifts became part of the tradition, namely flowers and candy. Valentine’s Day began to shift towards lovers – either as a way for a couple to celebrate their love, or as an attempt to spark a new relationship. The concept, ever evolving, stayed well and good.

And then corporations corrupted and altered the holiday with less compassion than Bill Cosby on a date.

Everything became a marketing ploy. Now, if you aren’t buying flowers and candy for the love of your life, you look like a cheap bastard who doesn’t care. Companies inflate the prices of all date related items, including the aforementioned flowers and candy, but also jewelry, perfume and cards. Restaurants offer special Valentine Day menus, which are excuses to charge double for half the portions. Without a reservation made weeks in advance, you’ll be lucky to eat at a hot dog cart. The day became so commercialized that the concept of love was removed, and it’s in place were dollar signs.

If you’d like to start a new relationship, or remain in your current one, you must take part in Valentine’s Day. This is not optional. Society has been brainwashed into believing Valentine’s Day as one of the biggest days in romance, comparable to weddings, engagements and matching on Tinder. Not celebrating with your significant other will lead to an uneasy couple of nights. In fact, in 2017, 24% of men in relationships were sentence to a night on the couch for joking about not having any plans. An additional 6% were forced out on the porch.

Ladies, I know you’re rolling your eyes at me, or snapping at me four times in a z formation, but you have an expectation on Valentine’s Day from your significant other. Some of your expectations are reasonable – a nice surprise and a lovely dinner. Others are not – gold and diamonds, a helicopter ride to Paris and not one inappropriate comment. Women you expect your significant others to be romantic. You want us to be William Darcy. None of us are William Darcy. We aren’t successful, handsome, and our idea of romance is to buy a 99 cent card on February 13th and add a winky face to the suggestive punchline. If your date remembers to wear pants that don’t have stains on it, you should consider the day a success. Hell, if there are stains, that’s at least a neutral outcome – it could have been much worse.

No matter what women say, they want something special on that day. And I understand it. And men, maybe we should a better job of surprises and gifts throughout the year. But if we don’t step up and deliver on February 14^th, you’ll have to get fully acclimated with the couch. There’s a good chance the cushions will be removed. Ever sleep on a pile of hard metal rods? It’s not quite as good as it sounds. Valentine’s Day has become a holiday for women to judge their boyfriends, husbands, or guys they might kind of like but aren’t entirely sure.

There’s clearly a stigma on the man to provide a wonderful, Disney-esque day for their lady. As a writer of the highest caliber**², I feel it’s my job to help the confused, lost male deal with this day. Trust me, there’s a lot the men will be angry about, and I’m here to help you cope with it. Ok, no, I’m not, but I’m here to get mad at it too, so we’ll be angry together.

Now, I do understand not every relationship involves a man planning Valentine’s Day for a woman. These roles can easily be reversed. There’s also plenty of couples that don’t involve a man and a woman. I’m just writing from the perspective I know, as a man trying to figure out a good Valentine’s Day for a woman. I still think no matter who you are, or what your preference is, you can get a lot out of this blog, while is anger at the commercialism (AKA the emptying of wallets) of the day. The last thing I want to do is alienate some of my readers. Whatever dating pool you swim in is perfectly fine. And if you’re a regular reader and/or subscriber? I hope you swim in as many pools as you want – as long as said pools are over 18 and consenting. Remember, it’s 2018. #Don’tPartyLikeHarvey.

Before we do go into my least favorite parts of the day, I want to give a special shout out to the singles out there. February 14^th sucks if you’re not dating someone. Trust me, I was single for 26 of my 30 Valentine’s Days, though I was an infant for a few of them, so I feel like I get a pass on those. It’s hard seeing all these lovey-dovey commercials and Hallmark Movies showing pure happiness. There’s a reason the holiday earned the nickname Single Awareness Day. Everybody is very aware of their status when we reach the 14th. To my single friends out there, I want you to remember this: Relationships are not like Hallmark movies. Everyone of you can do better than dating a personality void robot in a suit or a boring Mary Sue in a scarf. Having a date on Valentine’s Day does not define you. You can be perfectly happy by yourself. Plus, you’ll have more cash in your pocket, which is nice.

Without further ado, let’s talk about the Day.

Getting a date

The first step is to ask your potential target out. If you’re already in a relationship, you shouldn’t need to review this section. The date is already implied. If you have to ask your girlfriend or wife out, that’s probably a bad sign. It’s an even worse sign if you do have to ask her, and she says she has plans. I’d recommend getting a very good lawyer.

If you are asking someone out, it’s important to follow the four Cs. You want to be cool, and show no signs of nerves. A potential date does not want to see you sweating bullets on your proposition. You also need to be calm, making sure not to stammer when you ask. It’s important to collect your thoughts first, and have a plan on what you’ll be doing on your date. Finally, you need to be clinically attractive. Yes, the fourth c was a stretch. Technically, looks are a sign of a shallow date, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to have the goods to attract someone. If you get a yes, congratulations, now the real terror begins. If she says no, it’s not the end of the world. He or she probably hated puppies, ice cream and America anyway. That no good son of a bitch.

Gifts

There is no way to avoid it – gifts on Valentine’s Day are a requirement. You actually don’t have to break the bank on Valentine’s Day. It’s actually more effective to rob a few and cover your expenses. Prices on items will range from an arm and a leg to working a pyramid scheme to pay off the debt. You will spend less on a down payment on a home than on most Valentine’s Days. You see singles? Not feeling as bad now, are you?

Flowers – These temporary gifts will cost triple their normal price and wilt faster than normal. The flower companies must use some sort of poisoned plant food to make them look vibrant, but kill them before they turn a week old. Flowers are the most cliché of Valentine’s Day gifts, but clichés exist for a reason – people really love getting flowers. The godless corporations know this and use it against you. You’ll soon hate them more than you hated the bully who shoved you in a locker in middle school.

If you’re going to send flowers to that special someone, consider the size of your bouquet. If the bouquet is small, that’s ok. It’s not the size, it’s how you use it. Yes, we’re still talking about flowers.

A small bouquet is best to be sent to your significant other’s home. However, if it’s a large bouquet, I recommend sending them to a public place, typically her office. This way, you look like a superstar to others, and she can taunt her co-workers about the size of your flowers. And if you’re lucky, other things. Now, we aren’t necessarily talking about flowers.

Remember that flower companies absolutely suck on Valentine’s Day. You will have to pay top dollar to make sure they arrive on time. Last Valentine’s Day, I ordered a bouquet to be shipped to Maid Megan’s office. Well, the company ran out of the flowers I ordered, so they sent a smaller, crappier version to her five minutes before she was set to go home. When I heard about it and complained to the company, they called Megan, asked her if she thought the flowers looked good. When she said “yes”, they abruptly ended the call, told me they didn’t make any mistake and wouldn’t correct it. The flowers also died in three days. To say I was angry was an understatement. I won’t reveal the company’s name, but if you look at the title, you might find a clue.

Perhaps you’ll have better luck ordering, but I recommend using a local flower shop or buying them in person. Sure, it’ll cost more, but nobody said love was cheap. I mean, look at the growing prices of hookers.

Candy – Also a cliché, but mainly because everybody likes chocolate. Unlike flowers, you really can’t go wrong with chocolate. It is awkward walking around with a big heart-shaped box. I’m pretty sure that’s what Nirvana was singing about in their song with the same title. These boxes will double in price, but again, there’s not much you can do, thanks to Big Business. Try not to buy your candy in advance. Chocolate has this weird, melting property many people don’t know about (You’re welcome). If you buy it a few days early, it may be a goop, even in the winter. Refrigerated chocolate also isn’t for everyone, so I recommend buying this a day or two early, but no more.

Be careful when choosing the assorted chocolate box. Tom Hanks once said life is like a box of chocolates, which was true, because both are often difficult and confusing. Whoever decided on some of the fillings in the boxes must have been an agent of Satan.There are a few great filling, but those are to lure you into a false sense of security. Out of the 42 different kinds in the standard Valentine’s Day box (extra-large so they can add an extra zero to the price), at least 30 are completely inedible. Read the labels carefully, or your date may find herself eating a Tabasco and Onion stuffed bon-bon before dinner.

Also, make sure your date isn’t allergic to nuts. There’s an easy joke here, but I’m being serious. Try not to kill someone via allergies on Valentine’s Day. The Police will be so busy that day already.

Jewelry – Yes, bracelets, necklaces and earrings are all popular gifts at this time of the year. Look, it’s not cheap stuff at any point, so you may not notice the cost. I think this is a great gesture, but be careful. You don’t want to come on too strong. If you’re dated someone for two months, a ring at Valentine’s Day sends the wrong message. You might as well wear a cologne called desperate. Similarly, if you’ve been in a relationship for ten years, buying something for Claire’s is holding back just a wee bit.

Finally, men, do not get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I’ll repeat, DO NOT GET ENGAGED ON VALENTINE’S DAY. It is the single most clichéd thing a man can do. Proposals need to have surprise and pizzazz. Popping the question on a day where everybody love looks like they’re in love cheapens the blow. Did you know 73% of proposals on Valentine’s Day end in either rejection or divorce down the road? No, you don’t know that, because I made it up. Fake facts aside, don’t do it.

Creative Gift – I think most dates would appreciate a well thought out gift for Valentine’s Day. It shows you care and really know the person. The key thing is that you do, in fact, REALLY know the person. Don’t buy your date a basketball jersey because she once watched a game. Make sure you do your homework if you go this route. If you do a good job, this will really be appreciated. If you do a bad job, you’ll be rushing out to buy the mystery chocolate box at the 11th hour.

For the Singles – While everyone else is worried about buying a gift for others, why not buy something for yourself? You deserve to treat yourself once in a while, and buying something you want, or even need, will make you feel happier. If you splurge a little, who cares? Just make sure you don’t spend your rent on buying fine leather goods. Treat yourself does not mean going homeless.

Date Ideas

Any way you slice it, the Valentine’s Day date is the most important part of the holiday. A fun date can take a new relationship to the next level, or rekindle an established relationship’s passion. A bad date could need to some nagging, some yelling, and potential newly found singledom. That’s not ideal. Try to plan something special and accept that you will be broke at the conclusion on the day. It doesn’t hurt so much when you make peace with it.

Dinner – The standard date idea is to go out to dinner. This is well and good, but the problem is everybody else has the same idea. You need to book your table early, or you will either be waiting for a long time, or you’ll be eating fast food. The golden arches do not spell romance. Plus, I’d expect a Filet O Fish will end any evening early. Even if you do get a table, you’ll likely be bumping elbows with a couple next to you. Normally this is frustrating, but you can probably steal a good deal of appetizers from the nearby table as they are investing in their evening. I mean, you should focus on your date too, but a free calamari ring shouldn’t go uneaten.

Remember when trying to get a reservation to consider what your date likes. If your favorite type of food is Mexican, but she is deathly allergic to beans, taking her to Giovanni’s Taco Hut is probably not a good idea, for a number of reason. Do you really think Giovanni is making a good taco? No wonder you’re reading this for help. Consider what her favorite foods are, and try to book something that serves that type of cuisine. You’ll score points for not being a complete moron. Truly, that’s should be your goal for the day.

Finally, know that most restaurant’s offer a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Typically, this will be a special menu that removes popular items in place of more expensive things nobody likes. The choices will sound fancy, but tend to be bland and cooked uniformly, as if prepared for an all you can eat buffet. Sometimes, the restaurant will offer a three, five or seven course meal, where all the courses are already selected, but sound great. In theory, this is wonderful. In practice, the food was cooked hours in advance and has been dried out by heating lamps by the time you’re served. Bon Appetit.  Expect to have a more mediocre meal for nearly 40% above the Restaurant’s normal price. Isn’t Valentine’s Day the best? At least you can feel minty fresh with a toothpaste filled chocolate for dessert.

A Show – Instead of following a total cliché, why not try a moderate cliché and consider a show? This could involve tons of research and effort, so I recommend letting your date pick what to see. If she enjoys plays or musicals, there will likely be one she’ll want to see, and suggesting this as your event will go over well. If you’re knowledgeable about theater, you can plan this yourself. Just remember, if you pick a bad show, not only will your date not be happy, you too will suffer for three hours. It would be a bad look to tell your date you’ll be back in five minutes and sneak out to a bar for the duration of the performance. You’re stuck for the long haul, so make sure it’s decent.

Do not go to the movies on Valentine’s Day, unless you’re in middle school and plan on making out in the back. The movies are about as romantic as cat calling a woman walking down the street. If you think taking someone to see 50 Shades of Grey is a good Valentine’s Day plan, you deserve to be tied up to your bed later that evening… to be robbed.

Staying in – If you decide to stay in and do something romantic, make sure you can handle it. Cooking for your date is a very smooth gesture, but only if you know how to cook. Inviting a woman over and preparing peanut butter and jelly isn’t going to get you a follow-up date. Ideally, you’ll use a crock pot to make your meal. This makes your food look professional and doesn’t involve any effort. Low effort and high performance is what you seek on Valentine’s Day. Just follow a recipe, walk away for like 4 hours, and you’ll look Wolfgang Puck – except without the foreign accent. Maybe. I don’t know your life.

If you’re incapable of even using a crock pot, and I’m sure that’s a few of you, you can try to order food and transfer it onto a plate to appear like it’s home cooked. This is extremely difficult. You may need the delivery boy in on this with you. If you’re date catches you in the act, try lying your way through it. Remember, lying shouldn’t be the basis of any relationship, but if you lie multiple times, they cancel each other out and it doesn’t count***³.  If you can pull this off, and your date asks what your secret is, make sure to have a cover story ready. Huh, you sure have to lie a lot on Valentine’s Day. Ehh, I’m sure it’s fine.

For the Singles – Instead of working hard on a home cooked meal (unless you love cooking), order something. I’d recommend ordering from your favorite restaurant. Don’t worry about the calories, just load up on something you love eating. You should then spend your day doing something you love, whatever it may be. Even better, spend time doing something you haven’t made time for in a long time. When you’re having fun, you won’t be focused on what it is at all. Just remember its Wednesday – you probably need to go to work the next day.

Sexy Time

After the gifts are exchanged and the date is complete, sex is not so secretly the activity that looms over all the proceedings. But this is 2017, and men, times are tricky. Remember, if your date does not sign multiple consent forms before any action takes place, you are liable. Kissing requires 4 different forms, and one eye-witness account. Hand holding requires a notary. You don’t want to start the day with a girlfriend of three years and end it sharing a jail cell with Harvey Weinstein. Remember, jail probably sucks and Weinstien will NOT be waiting for you to sign off on the forms.

Ok, I won’t even asterisk it, but obviously that was a joke. Just remember, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about two people who appreciate one another’s company. Sex is not a prerequisite. I’m not trying to make this a public service announcement, but everyone, don’t be an asshole. This goes for both men and women. There’s enough evil in the world. We don’t need to fill up the courts on February 15. This is a holiday where you should be appreciating your date, not just her assets, or his private johnson. Be adults and do what you want to do. But definitely do NOT leave any details in the comments. Keep that on other blogs, like anything Brian Windhorst writes about LeBron.

For the Singles – Remember, you don’t have to worry about any pressure from a date or anything. You’re here to enjoy time with yourself. On the positive, if you’re feeling frisky, nobody’s ever turned down themselves.

Yep, we’re going to end the Valentine’s Day write-up on a masturbation joke. Let me take my bow and I’ll show myself out.

Happy Valentine’s Day all.

 

 

1. *No it is not. Good Lord is it not.
2. **In the sense that I average more words per post than anyone short of Friarf7ck.
3. ***If you get caught lying, you do NOT have my permission to cite this article. You’re going down on your own ship.