Training – The Workplace Punishment or Nobody Will Respect Your Authority

2021 has not started off as planned. Originally, Bloggin Hood was shooting for 100 unique, well written* ¹ posts and have the blog take off. I figured if 2020 could go so bad, certainly 2021 could only go better. Well, I am, as always, an idiot. The first few months of 2021 haven’t been banner worthy. While there are numerous reasons for this I’m not going to touch on a blog, one of the biggest reasons for my spotty post schedule is I’ve been training people at work.

Being good at your job is a double edge sword. It’s natural to want to excel ant anything you do, especially when financial compensation is on the line. Unfortunately, productive work only leads to additional, painful work. By being good at your job, management “rewards” you with tasks nobody else wants to do. Dreadful things like giving presentations, leading meanings, and the worst of all, training others.

By the way, that financial compensation we mentioned? That tends to be the modern day “carrot on a stick”. Every time you think that big fat raise is coming, the carrot is moved as you complete the next unbearable, nightmare task. Also, who really wanted the carrot at the end of the stick anyway? It should have been a mini hot dog. That’s a functional analogy.

I’d rather host 100 meetings on topics I don’t understand that have to train anyone. Naturally, I’m now my department’s trainer. Hooray? I’m the only trainer for both new and current employees. It’s as fun as breaking a bone without the relief of knowing it will eventual heal.

I never had a say in becoming the department trainer. It’s about the opposite of what I wanted my career to be. I majored in English, and recoiled in horror whenever I was asked “Do you want to be a teacher?” I heard that a thousand times in College. No, Sally,** ² I don’t want to be a teacher. If I wanted to do that, I would have minored in education. My dream was to write rambling blogs with a poor release schedule and sell out the moment I got an offer. let me live my dream.

Alas, teaching others became my destiny. Because I was good at my job, training became my new job function. I never had any preparation on how to instruct others. It was pretty much “You’ll start training the new person on Monday”. Fantastic. I’m sure this won’t be a disaster. I sure hope we hired Sally so we can talk about my future as an education.

I want to be clear; I’m not saying I’m a good employee to brag. Honestly, being good at your job isn’t something that should be rare. Everyone should be good at their job as it’s literally their job. Chris Traeger would be proud of this statement.

I despise that my average skills have elevated to me to handle all of the training. It doesn’t seem possible, but I believe it’s out of necessity. The unfortunate truth is offices need hard working suckers like me and you. In fact, all employees fall into the following three following archetypes*** ³.

Underachievers

These are the walking abominations of suck that make of the vast majority of your peers. You’re truly blessed if even two of your co-workers are competent. Then again, that seems awfully high. Perhaps you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I a walking abomination of suck?”

We’re getting deep with today’s post

Underachievers have a ton of different backgrounds. Some started off young and eager, but years of missing out on promotions and raises made them bitter and they stopped trying. Others never took their work seriously, and complete just enough to remain in good standing with the company. A rare few got hired because they shared a last name with the CFO. Usually, these people can’t spell that last name, but wind up with hefty bonuses.

Whatever the background is, the end result is all the same – mediocre work at best. These employees aren’t looking to improve, they are looking to collect a check with as little effort as possible. No one from this group could train other employees. It would be like hosting a prison escape seminar in a prison.

Managers

Typically, managers started off as employees who toed the line from sucking to good. Their work was no different than average suck ass employee. However, their networking set them apart from the pack. Networking is a fancy way of saying they knew the right people to suck up to.

Being a manager takes a skill set beyond being good at the basic job. You need to lead, make tough decisions and juggle personalities. Well, in theory at least. In practice, the difference between a manager and the employees reporting to them is a title, and distributing the workloads. They also likely have slightly nicer suits, and an office.

It’s rare for managers to train employees, stating it’s an opportunity for someone else to grow. In reality, they don’t want any blow back if the training is a disaster. Listen, I get it. It’s part of the game. It’s why the same employees get stuck with the difficult work. Why would you risk an important job function on someone you can’t trust? It creates an endless cycle on wanting to train to improve other employees, but using the same person to train every time. Not that I’m bitter about it.

Managers argue that with the right training, any employee can be molded into a star. Don’t believe this narrative. There’s a reason they aren’t training the CFO’s relative who needs assistance removing the cap from his pen.

Good Employees

As implied in the underachievers section, there’s typically two, or maybe three reliable, hard working employees with every team. Truthfully, having more than one is a blessing, but most departments luck there way into a couple after a while. This spreads out the difficult work. In this scenario, things aren’t so bad.

But most good employees expect adequate pay for handling the dirty work. Why would they stay if they aren’t being rewarded? Typically, those two to three good workers will rotate in and out of jobs. Those who fail to switch jobs, internally or external, become the department dumping ground. It’s somehow less attractive than it sounds. Eventually, they’ll expect you to handle tech issues, scheduling conflicts, budget supplies, and of course, shitty training.

Ironically, you’ll even have to train any change good new hires, prepping them to take over as you each race to apply elsewhere and hope things improve with the next position.

This is extremely depressing. God I wish I was a walking abomination of suck.

This is the cycle I find myself in. I’ve trained a dozen new hires, in addition to a dozen other, established employees. A few went on to be good employees… Until they quickly checked out of my department faster than you could say “Two week notice”. The majority of my training have led to mediocre results. This includes Bloggin Hood breakout star Bob Bobberton. The fact that I train people after him is alarming, to say the least.

Then again, maybe my training helped out old Bob after all. When he finished his infamous run as temp for us, he received two additional temp jobs in my company. Funny how he keeps getting hired by different departments and never the same one. And by funny, I mean what the frigging hell is wrong with people? Lord knows he’ll be back with it in June when temp season begins. I’m sure he’ll be making more money than me.

Is this my fault? Did my training create Bob Bobberton, the automatic temp? Well, I except no blame. Plus, if I ever need a job, I have a reference who’s worked in every department imaginable. The opportunities are endless**** ⁴.

Now, if you’ve never trained anyone, you might wonder why I hate it so much. You poor, naïve bastard. How I wish I could go back to a time where I thought training could be a good thing. The younger Bloggin Hood thought he could help the walking abominations of suck and mold them into successful employers. Well, I sure couldn’t. Except for the people who left and got better jobs. And I guess Bobberton to some extent. And actually, everyone I’ve trained is still employed, for better or worse.

It seems like the only person who’s not benefiting from the training is me. But let me explain just why being a trainer is miserable.

Creating a Training Plan

In theory, training somebody for their job should be easy. You need to sit the person down, show them the systems, examples on how to handle their work, and give them hands on experience. If it was that easy, a Caveman could do it. Geico proved that the caveman analogy sucked and was not funny. Likewise, the simple concept of training is nowhere near as easy.

When training, you have to assume the person has no recollection of the job. When you work a job for several years, certain parts of it become second nature. There are steps you don’t think about being they’ve become muscle memory. You’ll use terminology nobody outside your office will understand. Even simple systems will seem foreign to an oncoming employee. You have to be extremely detailed in your lessons. Skipping even a small, seemingly inconsequential step will stunt their growth.

The above sounds like it only applies to new hires, but it affects established employees too. Never assume a veteran employee knows anything, no matter how many years they’ve worked a job. This sounds insulting for two reasons. Firstly, it’s extremely insulting. Secondly, most of your co-workers know less about their jobs than the Geico Cavemen knew about comedy. Say it with me – walking abominations of suck. It’s best to keep your training rudimentary just in case there are knowledge gaps.

Trust me, there’s going to be knowledge gaps.

Before you get into training, you’ll have to rewire how to think about the specific task or lesson. It may be second nature to you, but it’s alien to whoever you’re showing. Fortunately, you’ll be given plenty of time to prepare before having to teach a new or established employee anything.

Oh, I’m kidding about having time. Usually I’m told the day before I have to train, and I’ll have to scramble to put together any semblance of a lesson plan. This is especially frustrating when it’s a new hire, as it takes a minimum of a month to hire someone.

The Trainee Archetypes

We could simply mention that the people you will train suck, but I want to illustrate the many ways in which they do. All of your trainees will fall into one of these five categories. The level of suck may vary, but every training I’ve held has contained at least one of the following.

The person who doesn’t give a shit – Usually, these are established employees, though it could apply to a new hire too. These people quickly let you know they aren’t interest in learning. They will not take notes, pay no attention at all, and spend the majority of training on their phone. They like calling out sick after the training schedule is set, further delaying the process. Somehow, these people are never at fault. You, the trainer, need to find a way to get through to them.

Remember, although it’s tempting, you cannot fling the training materials at this person.

Questions McGee – While their attitude is better, I think Questions McGee is my least favorite person to train. This archetype will have numerous questions throughout training, interrupting your flow constantly. Questions should be a good thing. They help clarify anything that’s unclear and should help the group. Plus, this means they’re actually listening. That’s good, right?

Not so fast. The problem is Questions McGee isn’t really listening to the lesson. They decided to ask questions halfway through the lesson, ignoring everything else said. If they paid attention, all of their questions would have been covered. Instead, they want to participate so they look smart and attentive. Instead, every time Questions McGee opens their mouth, they reveal they’re a moron. You’ll have to repeat yourself constantly with this individual.

Fun fact. Whenever I’m asked a question at work, I phrase it so I answer it twice. I’ve been saddled with so many versions of Questions McGee, I’ve modified my speech pattern. It’s so bad, I’ve trained myself to repeat my own answer before I’m asked a question.

Questions McGee still frigging asks it again anyway.

Unqualified Employee – Here’s where the CFO’s nephew sneaks into your training class.

Every training lesson has one person who doesn’t belong. The individual is incapable of doing the work. For some reason, management loves exposing people to work beyond their means. This isn’t encouragement; this is sabotage. The unqualified employee doesn’t stand a chance. Usually this stunts their growth, if any was possible. It’s just as well; they can always just blame the trainer for being unclear.

Occasionally, someone overqualified for the training will attend. Usually, they end up as the groups not giving a shit representative. At least it’s justified here.

Bob Bobberton – The man is one of a kind, so he gets his own category. Bobberton is a combination of the three above examples. Somehow, it’s the worst traits of all three. He’s grossly unqualified for any task, including entering the office building. He’ll seem like he cares to learn, but falls asleep seconds into training. When the explanation is complete, he’ll ask the following question.

“Yeah, so that was a really good speech but I got a question. Can you explain what exactly we have to do?”

If you have Bob Bobberton in the group, you’re going to need a very tall drink after work. Also, if it’s a temp, it’s very likely the real Bob Bobberton. Tell him Bloggin Hood says to stop texting him.

The Good Employee – You won’t even know this employee is in the room. That’s because he’s busy taking notes and paying attention. Imagine that. Somebody who actually cares about their job. If he or she asks a question, you won’t want to slam your head against the wall. That is until Questions McGee piggy backs off it and asks that same question 15 times.

And then Bob Bobberton asks what time is lunch in between snores.

Remote Training

Training in person is full of challenges, but at least the trainer is in control of things. No matter how little the attendees care, they have to pretend to pay attention. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Covid has created a completely new challenge in training. Now, people are no longer captives to the training room. The only true way to keep tabs on people is to have meetings via video conference. However, this rarely goes over well. Most people do not like being on camera when they can avoid it. Truthfully, there’s no justifications for it when one person needs to present anyway. Unless the company requires it, most training is done sans video. That leaves audio and screen sharing.

Guess how all my my trainings over the past year have been held? I’ll give you a hint, there’s no video.

Without being in the same room, no one even pretends to respect the trainer. There’s virtually***** ⁵ no way to confirm people are paying attention. It’s basically the same problems teachers have had with virtual learning, except with one difference. The teacher is dealing with children or teenagers. I’m dealing with “adults” who’s careers depend on the lesson.

I’m pretty sure the teacher has more success getting the students to listen.

Since remote training has become the norm, I’ve constantly heard TVs in the background. I’ve also heard full phone conversations, as my trainees are too lazy to have them away from their mics. Like seriously, do people care so little that they can’t even mute their systems? At least in person, you have to slightly disguise your phone. I legit had to shout at people during the last training, and the TV didn’t get lowered for at least two minutes.

Not muted mind you, but lowered. I had to take what I can get. Have I used the phrase walking abominations of suck in a while? I think we’re due.

Beyond the blatant disrespect, is the poor connection. I swear, people working from home have 1998 AOL as their connection. I understand not everyone will have state of the art internet. But, I have an average connection and never had any issue. I’m pretty sure 90% of my trainees connect to the internet via potato. And not a particularly ripe potato at that.

My meetings, which range from an hour to two hours, have a minimum of three to four disconnects. Since I am sharing my screen, I don’t realize when individuals drop. Often times, they won’t advise they missed anything until 30 minutes later, well after they’ve rejoined. It leads to repeating examples and discussions. This is only amplified when Questions McGee decides now is the time to repeat a question.

I think I’ve made it pretty clear I dislike training others. In fact, the only thing I hate more is repeating the exact training I completed due to shitty internet connections. Unfortunately, it’s these potato based hook ups that really kill any potential learning. We couldn’t possibly have video calls even if it was a requirement. At least two laptops would explode when accessing the camera. I don’t need weekly legal defense meeting added to my job.

Post Training Issues.

After the grueling, degrading training process is over, things really get bad. The training, horrific as it is, remains the easy part. It’s only just begun.

Outside of Questions McGee, nobody asks a thing during training. Everyone says they understand all the material and will be able to tackle the work. This is the greatest lie in history. As soon as the trainees begin working on their new task, they will have questions. Most of these questions were covered in the training. That’s no longer relevant. Instead of checking their notes, they’re going to go to their only source of information – the trainer.

The question onslaught will be gruesome. You won’t have a moment to breathe and everyone will be asking a plethora of questions. A few of these will be good, well thought out inquiries. Most will be embarrassing, and confirm individuals were watching Mary Povich instead of paying attention. The trainees will swear you never covered the material they’re asking about. Maury, is that true?

But it doesn’t matter how stupid the questions are. As the trainer, you will have to answer every last one. The trainees’ success is your responsibility. You will need to answer every last question to ensure their success.

Success might be a bit too bold. You have to ensure theirs no cataclysmic disasters. Or at least only a few cataclysms.

This is the single most frustrating part of training. As soon as the lessons are over, all of the training is meaningless. You’ll constantly answer questions you covered in vivid detail for weeks, if not months. In fact, had the trainees worked on this new task without training, the questions would be identical. Your entire training plan is inconsequential from the beginning. And that, somehow, isn’t the worst part.

As an employee, any training you do is lose lose. I mean it, you can’t win no matter how the lesson goes.

If the trainees do poorly at their new task, you will be blamed. It’s never the individuals fault, even if they chose not to turn their sound on when you went through everything over ten separate sessions. Usually, management will want to go back to the drawing board and have you continue with additional training sessions. It’s trying to push a round peg through a square hole, but the hole is several inches too small as well.

On the off change the employees excel, it’s the employees who will receive the credit. Instead of any praise or appreciation, you, the trainer, will get nothing. Well, that’s not true. You’ll get a “Meets Expectations” at your next employee review. Congrats on the C-.

Oh, and great news! You have another group to train in the near future. Better starting working on that useless lesson plan!

Once you’ve been branded a trainer there’s no escape. You could be god awful at it, but management will believe with enough practice, anyone can excel as a trainer. You know, except for anyone else that reports to them. My advice for training is simple. Don’t do it. Avoid it however you can. Remember, sometimes being a Walking Abomination of Suck has it’s advantages.

1. *By my standards. So basically 100 entries of 3,000+ words of irrationally angry, verbal diarrhea. That’s that good shit.
2. **I’ve never met a Sally. apparently, she loves teachers though.
3. ***This is a generalization as we can’t cover ever career arch. I didn’t cover popular options like “Committing mail fraud” or “seducing your boss for a raise”.
4. ****Bobberton asked me if he could use me as a reference. I told him “He could, but I’ll be honest with whoever asks”. I think he took that as a compliment instead of a threat. Alas, nobody has ever called to check with me. That should help explain the repeat hirings.
5. *****Get it! It’s like a pun!