The Secret Santa Survival Guide Or The Art of Generic Gift Giving

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll discuss Secret Santa, a potentially dangerous way to share holiday cheer.

Despite what you may think, Bloggin Hood is a planner. I like to meticulously plot out my days in the morning, and follow the schedule as close as I can. When anything unplanned pops up, it’s a devastating blow. Even the 12 days of Blogmas, seemingly thrown together at the last minute has multiple outlines and all 12 entries planned. It only seems like is hastily put together. That’s the Bloggin Hood touch.

My gift giving is the same style I like to start the holiday season by making a list of all of my recipients and figuring out gifts for everyone. After roughly a day, I have no gifts and ask people what they want. Is this original? No, no it’s not, but it prevents disappointment. And truly, isn’t that what the holidays are about? Narrowly avoiding disappointment with a known present.

Surprises can be wonderful. Maid Megan threw me a 30^th surprise birthday party that I legitimately had no idea was happening. Nearly every one of my friends made it, and whoever couldn’t texted or called. The highlight was smashing a piñata full of candy in a restaurant and not getting kicked out. Other than the intense pounding headache the morning after, I couldn’t have asked for a better surprise.

Of course, surprises can backfire completely. My family tried a similar surprise birthday for one of my aunts. It was a small family BBQ, with approximately 15-20 people who all knew my autn well. This was as safe of surprise party in history. My aunt showed up and everyone yelled “surprise!” And that’s when my aunt turned around, got into her car and drove home.

She didn’t say a word; she just left. Poppa Bloggin Hood went over to her house, which was fortunately close by and convinced her to return. My aunt eventually warmed up to the party, but think about that. She hated the surprise so much she left.

Surprises of any kind are a gamble. They’re risks I don’t like to take unless I know it’ll work out. Secret Santa is one of, if not the, most dangerous form of surprises because in addition to the pressure of purchasing a gift, there’s also strict rules. Nothing says Christmas cheer like combining structure, randomness and sometimes, forced participation.

First, I want to be clear – the concept of Secret Santa is fine. I like the idea of groups of people getting together and exchanging gifts. Typically, it’s done right before the major holiday, making it the perfect time to see friends. If you’re participating in Secret Santa with people you know well, that’s great. Go for it. I support it 100%. The rest of this blog is not directed at you.

However, if you’re participating in a work Secret Santa, may God have mercy on you. This sounds like a morale boosting event. In actually, it’s a way to punish employees for more or less having a job in the department. This is a tortuous process that leads to morale loss rather than holiday cheer. What a great idea.

Perhaps you don’t have a work Secret Santa but participate in another that you don’t feel great about. This could be with an old friend group that has drifted apart or your first foray with a significant other’s side of the family. I’m sure there’s a million other examples. Hell, you might just hate Secret Santa in general. I’m going to say “Work Secret Santa” going forward, but know it applies to any Secret Santa you don’t like. I got you covered.

You’ll be surprised to know I have several complaints about Secret Santa. However, this time, I also have several solutions to quell your anxiety. Consider this my gift to you readers. It might be too late to save you from 2020 Secret Santa, but you’ll go into the next decade prepared.

Secret Santa Issues

Knowing What to Buy

It sounds obvious, because it is obvious. Sometimes, it’s that simple.

Work Secret Santa events are stressful because you don’t know your co workers that well. Personally, I don’t think you need a close relationship with people you work with. As long as you have a professional attitude and can work with everyone in your department/company, you should be golden. You’ll probably make a couple friends in the office; unless you’re a horrible bastard, this happens naturally. However, you don’t have to be everyone’s friend. Not everyone will like you, and even if they did, it’ll create conflicts of interest.

If you wind up getting somebody you know well, Secret Santa is easy. But this implies life is fair and not a cruel, merciless beast. 10 times out of 10, you will get somebody you don’t know well. It’s as sure as death and taxes. If you’re single, and there’s a cute coworker you have a crush on, you’ll NEVER draw them for a Secret Santa.

This is for the best – office dating is horrifically messy.* ¹ Likely, your gift recipient will be the least pleasant person in the office.

Maybe you’ll get your boss. That’ll be a treat. You get the misery of Secret Santa with added pressure to not mess up the gift. But no, this is a great tradition.

Once you’ve accepted the fates are cruel, you can see the issue. What do you get for a person you don’t particularly like or know? Before the game starts, you’ve already lost motivation. Even worse, you’ll be compelled to spend a little time with your recipient, trying to gauge their interests. Perhaps this will lead to be a budding friendship.

Yeah, no, life isn’t a cheesy movie. Whoever is your Secret Santa target will remain unapproachable and off putting. Stop trying to be optimistic. This is a Bloggin Hood post, damn it!

Some Secret Santa games aid the process. They will have each participant list out a few gift ideas so it’s easier. When you draw your recipient, you also get the attached ideas. In theory, this should make it a slam dunk. However, even this can be difficult. Sometimes these ideas can be vague or unclear. Other times, the ideas aren’t possible. While having the suggestions help, I’d argue there’s times you’re better off with “surprise me”.

Of course, I’d much rather have suggestions than nothing. The cruelest of Secret Santa rounds involve no help. Offices like this as a team building exercise. The only thing it builds is anger and separation. It’s like a horrible social experience, except you have to pretend to be appreciative. Clue or not, gift buying in this situation is hard, unless gift cards are allowed.

PS: They’re probably not allowed.

Example Scenario – If my office had Secret Santa, I would draw Bob Bobberton 100% of the time. I could pick 8 names and get him 8 times. Granted, he’d likely submit his own name 12 times and say he “misinterpreted the rules” but still, we all know who my recipient would be.

Spending Limits

In theory, a spending cap is a good idea. It prevents people from going nuts with their gifts, and keeps everything level. Imagine receiving a $6 pen and seeing another person open up a tablet. In any Secret Santa, I think a spending limit is essential.

This will still cause you a ton of stress though. Typically, the caps are small, ranging from $15-$30. Now, any amount is more than I want to spend on my Secret Santa recipient, but it’s hard finding gifts in the appropriate range.** ² Occasionally, the suggested gift ideas you’re given cost significantly more than the limit, making them worthless. Other times, you’ll find a good idea that works, but crosses the budget. 90% of the time, you’ll settle on a lesser gift to follow the rules. This is why trying never pays off.

Naturally, there will always be one person who doesn’t follow the cap. He or she will buy something double the allowed cost. Typically, this is a boss trying to get on his employees’ good side. When that expensive gift is opened, nobody will remember the rules. Instead, they will discuss how generous the gift was. Everyone else, including you, will look like a cheap putz for following directions.*** ³

Sometimes, there’s a minimum as well. I can’t imagine too many people going under the minimum, unless they find the perfect gift for $9 on a $10 floor. Then again, some people are cheap. If anyone is going to go under the spending minimum, it will be the person who has you.

Example Scenario – Since Bob Bobberton falls asleep regularly at his desk despite drinking complimentary coffee all day, I decide to get him caffeine. I find a coffee sampler pack, containing some of the strongest coffee in the world to keep him awake. Unfortunately, it’s one dollar over budget. I’m forced to get him a weaker coffee sampler set and a mug that says “Temporary Employee”. Technically, the mug tells the truth.

The In Person Exchange

The only thing more awkward than the work gift exchange is icebreaker games in school or work orientations. These are painful, and serve as a further punishment for participating in a mandatory event. Hooray for forced holiday cheer.

The attendees will have varying excitement levels. There are always a few employees far too invested into work functions. Others hope the exchange takes a long time as they are actively avoiding work. Finally, there are a few, mostly likely including you, hopeful things ends quick. It will not.

Each person will have to awkwardly open a gift while a dozen people watch. Then they will have to pretend to love the crappy gift they didn’t want in the first place. At the end, the boss will give a speech, implying he is a hero and that this exchange was one of the greatest accomplishments in the year. Sadly, the refreshments won’t contain booze, unless it’s after work.

God help you if this takes place after work. That would be very cruel.

Example Scenario – Bob Bobberton, dressed in a full elf costume all day, excitedly opens his gift. He smiles happily, but then admits he doesn’t know how to use a coffee mug and asks me for advice.

You’ll Get a Crappy Gift

There is no scenario where you get a good or useful gift. There’s no scenario you’ll even get something that qualifies as a gift. You’re getting borderline trash. Actually, it might be real trash picked out of the garbage on the way to the exchange.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Secret Santa allowed you to provide gift ideas, or gift cards. You’re getting the worst gift of the lot, adding a spoiled cherry upon of the shit sundae.

Example Scenario – In a unsurprising twist, Bob Bobberton had me as his Secret Santa. He gifts me an unwrapped bottle of ranch dressing which expired two months ago. When I say this appears to be expired, and that I don’t like ranch,**** ⁴ Bob ignored me. He then helped himself to multiple plates of complimentary snacks.

Tips

As promised, here are few tips I think will help you survive the worst Secret Santa experiences.

Gift Cards

If allowed, gift cards are an absolute must. These take any pressure off of you deciding on a gift, and the recipient will enjoy it. It’s win win. How often is there any winning at an office Secret Santa?

The easiest choices are Amazon, I-Tunes, or Starbucks/Dunkin gift card. These are pretty standard choices that every one uses. The coffee shop gift cards seem out of place, but nearly every worker drinks coffee. Hell, they might leave the exchange and grab a cup off their card to survive the remaining spectacle. You can even go incredibly generic, and get a Visa gift card, which is basically more complicated cash. Whatever you pick, it’ll work out.

If gift cards are banned, I think you can get away with one as a topper. Let’s say you have a $25 limit. If you’ve brought a $20 gift, a $5 gift card is a nice gesture. It gets you to the cap AND will be the actual useful part of the gift. It’s not the perfect scenario, but it’s the best you can do.

Scope Out Your ‘s Recipients Desk

This one only sounds illegal.

If gift cards are banned, you might be in trouble. If there are no suggestions allowed, your only prayer is to know the person (bleh) or doing some recon. Most people decorate their work spaces, and this could give you valuable information. You might see some team memorabilia, collectibles, or posters. All of these are clues you can use. Is it perfect? No, of course not. But it’s better than a blind guess or even worse, non business small talk.

After you get this information, keep your gifts simple. The goal isn’t to give the best Secret Santa gift. It’s to give a passable Santa Gift. There isn’t a letter grade on your gift – it’s pass or fail. Get your recipient a collectable or a coffee mug that goes along with their décor. It’s the most basic concept in the world. That’s perfect for getting out of this horrible tradition.

Please do not open people’s personal belongings when looking for ideas. That would definitely be illegal.

Give Hints to Everyone

In my experience, people keep who they have for Secret Santa close to their chest. It’s weird. I’d expect most people wouldn’t care about the process, but people play along. Therefore, you need to take decisive action to get something that isn’t moldy ranch.

I recommend randomly inserting your interests into any conversation with a co-worker. If all of your team members sit close by, talk loudly so everyone can here. For Example, I would talk about the Mets. Hopefully, whoever has me in Secret Santa can put 2 and 2 together.

This is about the best you can do. Unfortunately, the rest depends on whoever is buying your gift. In my example, I’d probably get a Derek Jeter Poster.

Purchase the Worst Gift Possible

Of course, you don’t have to play by the rules. Getting a bad gift might put an end to future Secret Santa rounds. It’s devious, and against the Spirit of Christmas, but it’s quite effective.

You have to be smart with this strategy. Don’t purchase anything that will get you fired***** ⁵. It has to feel like you tried, but missed the whole point of the exercise.

Let’s go back to shopping for Bob Bobberton. Instead of coffee, I’d get him a sleeping cap. When he opens the gift, I’d tell him it’ll made his daily desk naps more comfortable. The boss would immediately shut down Secret Santa and you’re out of it forever.

You’re probably going to get a lecture at the end, but it’s worth it. Plus. Bob would take a nap with that hate on the same day. Guaranteed.

Quit

I mean, you’ll feel a lot better in the short term.

Cutthroat Santa/White Elephant

Before we end today’s blog, I want to touch on Cutthroat Santa. It’s also called White Elephant but that names makes makes no sense. This is similar to Secret Santa, except you don’t have a specific recipient. Everyone buys a gift and places it in the center. One by one, people pick a gift from a pile. Players can choose to steal an unopened gift, or pick a wrapped one. This continues until everyone has a gift. You probably saw this on the Office, but remember, we’re boycotting NBC and the Peacock App.

If you find yourself participating in Cutthroat Santa I have only three tips. I think they’re better more helpful than quitting. Well, maybe. We’ll see.

Buy Something You Like

It’s unlikely you’ll end up with your own gift. Most Cutthroat Santa games forbid this, but truthfully, nobody knows who brought what. If you buy a gift you like, you know at least one present is passable. I wouldn’t go all out and buy something amazing. That will get stolen repeatedly. However, if you buy something you can use, you’ll have a shot at leaving with that, or better.

Steal a Gift (IN GAME)

Yes, I did have to specify in game. I know my readers far too well.

If you steal a gift, it creates excitement, and shows that you’re invested. Plus, you can upgrade what you want. This is especially true if you’re with family, or maybe a significant other’s family for the first time. It’s shows that you belong. Chances are, the gift you steal will get stolen back, but that’s ok. If you’re worried about what gift you get out of Cutthroat Santa, you’re doing it wrong.

Wow. I’m surprised that one was genuine. There was no snark at all.

Steal or Pick an Alcoholic Gift

These are the best gifts. If you start drinking it before the round ends, you’re golden. Nobody is going to steal a half drank bottle wine.

To be extra safe, make sure to drink directly from the bottle, can, or box. Your germs will ensure that gift is yours.

There we go. That felt better.

With these warnings and tips, you may survive a year of Secret Santa. Will you enjoy it? No, of course not. You’re going to stress out about the gifts you buy and get thoughtless rubbish in return.

You know what you should give? A printout of this Secret Santa guide. Spread the word. If people want to exchange gifts, they should. But don’t force a group of people who have work together to participate. It’ll lead to bad blood, disappointment, and a sugar crash at about 4:30.

If you want to spread holiday cheer, bring in cookies and let everyone leave at 3 on Christmas Eve. This isn’t hard, managers.

On an unrelated topic, does anyone have a recipe that uses expired Ranch Dressing?

1. *Office dating can only work if you aren’t in the same department. Unless you’re married and in business together, there’s too many conflicts of interest. If one of you get promoted, it’s a logitics nightmare. And if/when the two of you break up, you have to deal with awkwardness every day and constant gossip behind your back. Sounds fun. A wise person once told me they don’t shit where they eat. I was pretty sure they were taking about office dating, but it might have been about food hygiene. He was a weird dude so it’s 50/50.
2. **Again, I’m assuming gift cards is banned. We’ll talk about those in the tips section.
3. ***It’ll be even more fun when the boss announces there’s no budget for bonuses this year.
4. ****Like a functioning member of society.
5. *****I picture Bob Bobberton walking up to his recipient with Pepper Spray and offers a free sample. This wouldn’t be malicious. He’s just think it’s probably a new hot sauce.