The Cyclist: Society’s Secret Lawbreaker or The Most Dangerous Thing on Two Wheels
August 5, 2024In life, everyone has a set of principles they follow. Most things aren’t black and white, but there’s certain beliefs we can all agree are true. For example, Darkwing Duck is animation’s greatest achievement. Mini Hot Dogs are nature’s perfect food, especially when served with a dab of mustard*1. The Mets and Jets are cursed, likely from a deal with the devil in exchange for the 1986 World Series and 1969 Superbowl. About all, I believe the average cyclist should be imprisoned for their blatant numerous crimes. Their godless lawlessness has gone unchecked for too long, but not anymore!
To be clear, I’m not talking about Motorcyclists. I have nothing against people who ride motorcycles. For the most part, Motorcyclists obey basic traffic laws and don’t cause mayhem. Sure, not every motorcycle on the road is a beacon of virtue, but they don’t usually bother me. Hell, even the Sons of Anarchy entertained me for six out of seven seasons. No, what I’m talking about is the motorless terrors on two thin wheels and typically, even thinner spandex.
When I was a kid, I had a bike. At that time, having a bicycle was everything. It was the only way you could get around town without adult supervision. I remember being out on my bike for hours, not really going anywhere, but still thinking I had the freedom to do so. Looking back on it, having a bike was a bigger hassle than it was worth. Sure, there some freedom with it, but mixing children and moving objects is like combining Coke and Mentos.
My bike experience was different than most children. While a lot of the neighboring kids rode bikes without a care in the world, Mama Bloggin Hood was not letting me out of the house without a helmet. I’m not sure if it was a state law at that time, but it should have been. Every single kind in my area immediately tried to do tricks the second there was no parent in sight. People tried anything you could think of, and the results were bloody. I’m almost positive if helmets weren’t mandatory when I was in 4th grade, they were by the 6th because of my neighborhood.
The local kids tried to injury themselves in any conceivable way to look cool in front of foul mouthed, prepubescent shit heads. Everyone used elevated parts of the sidewalk as ramps to jump from. They tried to pedal as fast as their skinny little legs could carry them and then attempted to pop a wheelie. Tony Hawk Pro Skater encourages kids to try bolder tricks. The most infamous involved standing on the seat and letting the bike ride itself. This was called Ghost Riding the Whip because all who tried it would become a ghost within 15 seconds.**2
The results were not pretty, since most kids barely had coordination to pedal. If the Red Cross could have scooped up all the spilled blood from these half ass trick attempts, we wouldn’t need blood drives. Every session where five or more kids got together, it ended in a war zone. Yet despite the cuts, scrapes and near fractures, everyone just went out and did it again. People seem to have an addiction to the rush. I never got into Jackass, but I think that’s because I got a free preview of it for years.
It didn’t just stop with tricks though. We also played incredibly stupid and dangerous games. The most popular was bike tag. As I remember it, the game started with somebody having to steal a newspaper from a porch. Then, everyone else scattered, avoiding the thief with the rolled-up paper. Whoever was it would chase down whoever he or she could and attempt to chuck the news at someone as hard as they could. If they hit, their victim was now it.
Oh, did I mention we played this in the street as opposed to the park that was like 5 blocks away? Really, it was the perfect combination of petty theft, reckless cycling in and out of traffic, and a good chance to break a window of a parked car or a nearby house. God help anyone who played this game on a Sunday. Plus, we were flying around corners. It’s a miracle nobody ever got nailed by a car.
The reckless childhood behavior led to the horrific lawlessness seen on bicycles today. However, one particular incident may explain my biasness.
Bicycles were the closest things kids had to status symbols. Kids judged one another based on the type of bike they had, because, as always, kids are the worst. I know as adults, we think the kids in our families are all good, sweet, innocent members of the family. And overall, that may be true. But I remember from second grade kids bullied the shit out of each other up until they got jobs. The best bullies became salesmen or Hollywood producers. Cyclists write Peppa Pig.
I loved my bike to death, but I did not have a brand name. It wasn’t even an off brand. I had an off-off brand; they type where the company name is spelled wrong. Now, for a while, I didn’t know better. That thing got me everywhere I wanted to go. But the kids in my town sure as hell noticed and made as many comments as they could. Eventually, I had to beg my parents for a new bike. I mean, you can’t whip the Sunday Times at somebody’s skull on a cheap bike. After months, my dad agreed to buy me a new bike, as long as I took care of it and locked it up every day.
For a full week, I rode that new bike everywhere. I’m not the type that cares about brand names and how much stuff costs, but this was a true upgrade. My old bike was light and rusty, but the new one was sleek and heavy as anything. My new bike was much faster, and the tires were made out of rubber as opposed to wood. I showed that thing off as much as I could, and finally, I wasn’t getting mocked for having a cheap one.
My bike was stolen a week later. The lock on our shed got cut and it was gone. Of course, the old bike, which we hadn’t gotten rid of, just in case, was left behind. In fact, it was moved in front of the shed, almost to say, “We wouldn’t even steal that” After that, I was pretty much over riding bikes. I was 11 when that happened and have only been on a bike two times since. Could this incident set me up to hate any cyclist out of jealously? Is my anger misplaced, and I’m really just longing for an experience lost to me as a child?
No, not even a little bit. I hate cyclists because they are deranged maniacs who actively try to cause a 17 car pile-up where they go. Newspaper Bike Tag seems like playing a game of checkers compared to a single average adult cyclist on a road. And before you roll your eyes and say “Welp, here’s the part where Bloggin Hood jumps the shark”, I have facts today. Also, if you kept going after the Red Cross line, you’re pot committed, so you might as well buckle up. Let’s look at the numerous problems the average cyclist causes.
Fashion
Yuck. Truly, this might be the cyclist’s great crime against humanity.
I’m not what you’d call a fashionista. Typically, I keep it simple when I work out – a t-shirt and a pair of shorts or sweats. On rare occasions, I’ll mix it up with a Mets hat, to really piss myself off and get that extra calorie burn going. If I’m going to get sweaty, I’m not worried about what I look like. Some people might say I don’t worry about what I look like at all, but those people are jackasses whose opinions will not count.
As with anything, some individuals will end up taking things too far. When you go to the gym, plenty of people have far too much gear. The average person working out with weights doesn’t need grip gloves and a power belt, but we’ve all seen it. Hell, I saw it at a local YMCA that had like 8 people with memberships. And the worst part? The people with the gear usually have awful form at whatever they’re doing. I support people trying to better themselves, but maybe learn how to use the machine before buying the swag?
Cyclists turn this concept up to 11. It’s the rule, not the exception, for bikers to wear the full spandex suits with tight ass shorts on every ride. I’m sorry, but even if I wanted to make a bike bro, I’m not putting on this outfit. Truthfully, I’m not sure I could fit into it as it seems painted on. I don’t want to mention the obvious chafing since that’s gross, but it popped into my mind so now you’ll deal with it too.
What’s the point of wearing something so obnoxious? Do these people think they are entering the Tour de France? Well, I got news for you, riding around a small city while getting in the way of cars and pedestrians doesn’t make you a professional athlete. There’s absolutely no reason anyone outside of the highest level of competition needs to wear these skintight, circulation cutters. This can’t be for performance; it’s to make sure everybody knows they’re a hardcore Bikemen. They want to look like athletes. Instead, they just look like dweebs.
Oh man, I called them dweebs. What a frigging burn. Don’t be surprised if the biker community announces a complete retirement tomorrow. I look forward to the statue carved in my honor. Use the young Bloggin Hood!
Most of these outfits are bright colored, and I get that. If somebody is riding at night or on a cloudy day, they need to stand out. But did the clothing companies stop making bright colored shirts? And you know, shirts that fit properly? I get if somebody wears baggy clothes, there could be some dangers of getting stuck in a wheel, but I’m not recommending Juncos or The Fab Five’s shorts. Just wear something reasonable. Again, normal shorts or sweats and and t-shirt, and nobody would care. My hating would decrease by at least 50%.
Instead, the average biker definitely rolls around in Crisco before getting dressed and enlists 2 other bikes to slide him into the costume. Afterwards, they look like Ned Flanders when the Simpsons went skiing.
If people are in shape and want to show off a bit, I get it. But the average cyclist is not in a position to leave little to the imagination. And even if they were, the outfits are still so hard to look at. It attracts the wrong attention. The only person impressed with the skintight outfits are other bikers. It’s an echo chambers of smugness, and well-built calves.
Obey No Traffic Laws
Now, I’m just a humble blogger who gets exceedingly angry at various topics. In my limited research on the law, it’s my understanding that bikers are considered citizens and subject to rules and regulations. While on a bike, these “citizens” are expected to ride as though they are a car. This means, when riding, they are to follow the same flow of traffic, and obey any stop lights. If all bikers did this, I’d still be mad at them for the spandex, but I wouldn’t despise them.
Seriously though, think of the chaffing. No, really think about it. Like especially around the upper thighs.
Ok, why are you still thinking about it? What are you, some kind of pervert? Get your head out of the gutter; we’re talking about some exciting stuff – traffic laws.
I’ve never seen a single cyclist follow any law, and neither have you. Unless you some kind of crazed cyclist apologist, we can all agree they have no respect for law, society, or even knowing how to navigate a one-way street. They’re more crimes committed in a single bike ride around town than in the full series of the Sopranos. And that includes The Many Saints of Newark, which is a crime against the series, but we can only talk about one atrocity at a time.
Apparently, once someone gets greased up into their bright yellow painted on outfit, they’re in international waters. While some made go with the flow of traffic, I see way more of them pedaling against the cars. This seems exceedingly dangerous. Sure, maybe the average biker can see the cars better this way, but the cars sure as hell can’t see them. Seems like a lawsuit scam waiting to happen. Is that what it’s all about bikers? A get rich quick scheme?
If so, please DM me on the side.
For the rare cyclist who drives with traffic, the riders love to weave in and out of your driving lane, going 12 miles per hour slower than the speed limit. They wave just enough so you can’t speed up to past them but go slow enough that cars behind you assume you have no idea how to operate an automobile. This will continue until you get to your destination, where the biker will slowly turn out of view. Because no other drivers can see the psychopath, all of their anger, and symphony of honks will be directed at you.
I can’t recall a single cyclist ever stopping at a light. The moment that a light turns green, bikers pedal as fast as they can through it, messing up the flow of traffic and risking a giant accident. If they can’t make it through a red light, they’ll just turn up a block and keep going. I understand not waiting to stop, but then why not go ride in a park of something? Oh, I know why. Riding in a park wouldn’t be disruptive to society. Plus, less people could be blinded by their fit.
If you’re going to be in the road, you can’t just pick and choose your rules. If you do, you might as well just have New Jersey License plates on your bike.
Finally, bikers are supposed to make turn signals. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s the law. They’re supposed to signal their hands one way for a left turn or one way for a right turn. Great. Now I’m supposed to memorize specialized patterns for these pompous showoffs? I’m driving a car, not checking with the third base coach if the hit and run is on. For Christ’s sake, I can barely read.
Don’t we have the technology to just put blinkers on bicycles? I mean, if these people are willing to spend money on uniforms, they’ll pony up for blinkers. We can link them up to either handle. Plus, isn’t that safer than having bikers remove a hand from their handlebars while moving at high speeds? That’s one step away from bike tag and nobody wants that.
Ah, who am I kidding. If bikers had turn signals, they’d keep them on for miles to draw more attention to themselves.
Bike Lanes
Again, I’m not an expert on bike law, a close relative of bird law, but Bike Lanes were built to keep cyclists out of car lanes. This gives bikes their own lane where they can ride like complete jackasses in isolation and let cars progress without fear of a psychotic cyclist causing havoc. Bike Lanes are becoming more common in cities, and I believe they were made because smart people share my opinion on cyclists. However, these specialized lanes backfired and unfortunately, exacerbated the problem.
Firstly, the average driver is, well, frigging terrible. I’d argue that 98% of drivers don’t deserve to have their license, and I might be a full percentage point too low. On simple drives around town, people drive as though Graft Theft Auto was a documentary. Every time I’m on the road, I see five or six near collisions within the first 10 minutes. It’s a miracle that local roads aren’t glorified scrap yards.
The extreme suckitude of the average driver enhances when a Bike Lane is added. Now, the average driver has even less room to work with. Trust me, the average driver need as much room as possible to avoid a catastrophe. Due to the narrower lanes, when a psychopath tries to make their daily illegal U-turn on a four way intersection through a red light, they have to also avoid the Bike Lane.
These narrower lanes mean people must drive with precision they aren’t capable of. If fact, the average driver only has two methods of getting from point A to Point B: either road rage or reckless intent. Cutting down the number of lanes available or making the same lanes smaller is a safety hazard for everyone.
As the lanes for cars shrink, the bike’s territory expands. These specialized Bike Lanes widen at the expense of cars. I believe it’s partially an effort to take some cars on the road, lower emissions, and encourage healthier life choices. That sounds great, but I want to be very clear about something. I’ve spent the last four paragraphs explaining how bad people are at driving cars. The best local cyclist is significantly more dangerous than a blindfolder car driver who had a brick on the gas pedal and no steering wheel.
Cyclists aren’t interested in obeying traffic laws. They’re interested in showing how committed to fitness they are but weaving in and out of the road as recklessly as possible. By creating specialized lanes, bikers become even more reckless behind the handlebars. They are emboldened to pedal at frustrating speeds, narrowly dodge lights and pedestrians, and continuously drift into car lanes.
Oh, did you think the cyclists are going to stay in the Bike Lanes made exclusively for them to stop this insanity? No, of course not. How could they slow down car traffic if they stay in their own lane? All this good intentioned work has done is create bigger monsters. Oh, and you know who paid for all of this? The taxpayers. Instead of the Bikers footing the bill, it’s all of us. But, when a cyclist causes a seven-car pile at rush hour for dividing to make a quick left without signaling, guess whose insurance is going to skyrocket. I’ll give you a hint, it sure isn’t Spandex Stuwart’s.
Have I mentioned that I don’t like cyclists on the road? I’m not sure if that’s clear yet.
Sidewalk Bikers
When you give a biker an inch, they will take the entire street, break every law created for their safety, and ultimately will move onto the sidewalk. Is nothing sacred anymore? Why aren’t the newspapers writing about this stuff? Bloggin Hood can’t be the only person who’s reporting on the real news***3
Daily, I will walk on the sidewalk of my neighborhood. Now, I’m not going to lie to you readers; I’m a chronic jay walker. I love it. If I can save even one second by walking in the middle of the street while the light is green, I’m going to do it. But do you know what I do? A crazy thing called looking both ways before crossing the street. My friends from Sesame Street taught me that, and they sure as hell don’t have any issues with criminal bikers on that block.
They do have an angry trash can puppet, but even he has respect to not to leave his can in the middle of the road.
When I cross the street in this illegal manner, I’m aware of the risks I’m taking. I’d also try to avoid being stuck by a car because then I’ll be frigging dead. As a pedestrian, I don’t own the road. Then again, I’ve nearly been run over when crossing the street in the sidewalk with the light, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Again, I’m not exactly advocating for car drivers in this post either.
The point is, as a pedestrian, I don’t own the road, but I should own the sidewalk. However, this is impossible, because each and every day, bike riders leave the street, their designated area, to ride on the sidewalk. All of these measures were taken to make the cyclists feel safe and welcome, yet they still want more. Next, they’ll demand room to ride at the doctor’s office or during a flight.
Is there a reason for this? Surely the sidewalk is slower than the road. It’s full of bumps and imperfections, making it more likely to cause a wipeout. Sidewalks are designed for people to walk on, and these imperfections ruin their feet and knees. It’s not meant for wheels.
Most of the time, it’s kids or teenagers just trying to get somewhere as quickly as possible. While I don’t appreciate having to dodge out of the way to survive, at least they aren’t dressed like a sack of shit. This always pisses me off, but I was a dumb kid too. I mean, I played bike tag. I get it, to an extent. But you know, maybe ride on the street when there’s someone walking? Please?
No, probably not.
The real problem is when it’s one of the Biker Bros, almost exclusively middle-aged men, ride on the sidewalk for no reason. If you’re going to wear the stupid outfit, you can’t go on the sidewalk for any reason other than to avoid maiming someone. This is our local government’s fault – you acknowledged these people with special lanes. This empowered them. You should have been putting tacks downs to pop their tires instead.
When these bikers ride on the sidewalk, they will shout “Excuse me!” once and then pass no matter if you react or not. God forbid if you have headphones. I haven’t been hit on a bike yet, but there’s a close call every week. Imagine getting jacked up by a bicycle and while down on the ground, looking up, and seeing a middle-aged man wearing a yellow napkin labeled as shorts? Brutal.
What’s even worse, as they pass you, they look back angry like the person using the sidewalk is at fault. Sometimes, they even say something. I guess next time, I’ll just lie down on a highway where it’s safer. I understand few people have self-awareness, but everybody owns a mirror. Bikers should consult one to figure out what the root of all these problems come from.
My solution to these sidewalk riders is simple. If any cyclists are caught riding on the sidewalk, they go to jail for a year. There is no appeal and no exceptions. I’d encourage a minimum-security prison, but I’m sure that will get shot down during the legal proceedings.
What? I think I’m being lenient here. Nothing else will work. You want to threaten them with a fine? Those people don’t care about money – they own 10 of the damn cyclist suits****4. No, straight to jail. Double their sentence after arresting them too, just for kicks. That’ll show them for trying to get exercise in their preferred way. Assholes.
In Conclusion
20 years ago, Dodgeball: A true Underdog Story, graced theaters throughout the country. This comedy is a forgotten gem of its time, unless you’ve owned basic cable at any point since 2008, where it plays daily. I’m going to spoil the ending of this movie if you care about this, but if you’re worried about the plot of a 20-year-old comedy, please seek professional help.
Right before the film’s climatic scene, Vince Vaughn’s character leaves his team in the championship game after securing a sizable cash bribe. He stops for a drink at a bar and is met by former Tour de France Champion, Lance Armstrong. The cyclist ridicules Vaughn as a quitter and calls him a coward. Ultimately, this propels the protagonist back to his team, where they win the Dodgeball tournament. Then Ben Stiller gets fat. It’s fantastic.
Of course, a few years later, we learned that Lance Armstrong was doping during his Tour de France victories. Not only did it taint his legacy a touch, but it also hurts the ending of a very good movie.
Floyd Landis took the mantle of Tour de France champion after Armstrong. He also took the mantle of being guilty of doping. He may have also led the chain of events that led to Armstrong’s admission.
In fact, when researching for this post, I found an entire article about the history of doping for the Tour de France. Doping at the Tour de France – Wikipedia. That’s a lot of doping allegations over the history of the iconic cycling event.
Now, I’m not saying that the Tour de France is the same as the average person going for a bike ride. But maybe our perception of cyclists has been wrong for all these years. We’ve thought these men and women were looking for a healthy bout of exercise outside that was easy on the joints. Instead, we’ve created a group of law-breaking hoodlums who will stop at nothing for a good time. Unfortunately, they get their kicks making the lives of people like you and me a living Hell.
Traditionally, we’ve had a misconception that Motorcyclists were the bad boys of the road. Shows like Sons of Anarchy didn’t help. Truthfully, neither did the South Park episode about motorcycles. But we’ve put our ire on the wrong two wheeled mode of transportation. Motorcycles don’t go the opposite way of traffic, they don’t have their own lanes, and they sure as hell don’t try to run over people on the damn sidewalk.
No, we should have known the bikers would be the ones to get us. They seem like innocent members of society, looking to get some exercise. And now, they are the ones in control of the road. We could have acted after the doping allegations in the Tour de France. Laws were passed to make youth football safer – why not do the same for the negligent cycling community? Instead of stopping these monsters, we’ve let them take over our streets and our sidewalks, all while wearing tight clothing in public. We need justice!
Kids, if you’re reading this, and I really hope you’re not because I curse a lot, heed my warning. Sure, riding your bike is fun, and you should enjoy it as a kid. But when you get older, be very careful. One day, you might wake up and think you need this expensive tight top. Next thing you know, you’re purposely blocking the road, flipping off drivers while you run multiple red lights and taking out a grandmother crossing the street. Bikes are a gateway drug to crime. And crime is bad, per my sources.
As a society, we need to take back our roads. Don’t let these cocky cyclists get away with it. We should ban bikes for anyone over the age of 18. There’s plenty of other ways to get exercise out there, like a peloton or a stationary bike…
Oh my God! They’ve gotten to the exercise equipment already! We’re screwed!
