Thanksgiving Sides – Tier Based Rankings or I Need to Stop Giving Food Takes

Usually, Bloggin Hood leave the holidays alone. In my eyes, most of these days are sacred and don’t deserve this blog’s stink corrupting and disgracing them. This excludes Valentine’s Day, which is the corporate version of a mugging. Last year, I’m pretty sure Hallmark held me upside down while Godiva punch me in the stomach repeatedly. I still have the scars.
I gave this holiday exemption some thought. People love holiday content. Either that, or they love to hate it. Either way, clicks or clicks, so I’ve decided to forego all rules and morals for the potential of one extra set of eyes giving a thumbs down to the post. It’s the simple things in life that keep me going. We already broke this rule last month for Halloween, so let’s keep it going, shall we?
Thanksgiving is an often overlooked holiday. After the Halloween Hype has died, people immediately go to Christmas. Poor Thanksgiving, a day that pretends the pilgrims and natives were friends, gets no love. Maybe if we look at its historical significance, that’s fair, but today, it’s meant as a day to be with our family, celebrate the blessings we have, and most importantly, not go to work. That’s really all I need.
Hell, if the government instituted Peppa Pig Day, I wouldn’t even complain if it included a mandatory day off. Morals be damned, gimme the sweet vacation time.
I don’t know why people have turned on Thanksgiving as a holiday when we still have Columbus Day. At least Thanksgiving has some positives to it, other than genocide. Thanksgivings main benefits are football and food. Considering I’m a jets fan, we’re going to focus on the food.
This is the day many of us have been training all year for. Oh, I’ve seen your cheat meals America. I’ve also seen your regular meals, which are exactly the same. Don’t pretend that the opportunity to have fourths in one sitting, and then dessert, without being judged isn’t what the whole year has been leading up to. I don’t think there’s a more American tradition than eating as much Good as possible and passing out as Matt Stafford throws his 8th INT before halfway. What an age we live in.
Many people have their favorite food for Thanksgiving. Bloggin Hood is no different. And while my favorite is clear, I wasn’t sure where the other food ranked. I decided to use the infamous Blogger crutch, the list, the rank the premier sides of Thanksgiving. This wasn’t as easy as you think. I had to write down the names of side dishes and then rank them.
Ok, it was just as easy as you though.
To make it a little more challenging, I decided to tier the side dishes. Much like value based fantasy drafting, which fails the second you ended up with Odell Beckham over Dalvin Cook, this groups side dishes within the same realm. We have 5 tiers today and a description of why they are there.
Keep in mind, I have no idea how your side dishes at Thanksgiving are prepared. This is because I haven’t received an invite. That’s pretty rude. I give you hours of free content, and this is how you repay me? For every view of this article, I expect at least one thanksgiving serving forwarded to me. Please message me for the PO Box and vacuum seal your perishables.
All side dishes ranked assume a home cooked version of the cuisine. No boxes or canned ingredients. Perhaps you enjoy gravy from a can. That’s fine, but I recommend keeping that info to yourself.
Also, I didn’t include desserts because, you know, they aren’t side dishes. When someone complains that pumpkin pie isn’t on the list, I’ll direct them to this paragraph. More specifically this statement – pumpkin sucks. There I said it. It’s the single worst squash/gourd out there and you’ll see I respect that group, possibly too much.
Before we begin, we need a Bloggin good tangent. It wouldn’t be a traditional post without it. I’d like to defend turkey for a minute. Turkey gets a bad wrap this time of year as people complain it’s dry and tasteless. Other believe the only time people eat turkey is on thanksgiving week and in cold cut form. Both of these statements are untrue. For instance, we all know “turkey” cold cuts has as much meat as taco bell ground “beef”. So really, you only eat turkey once a year. Don’t deluded yourself.
If cooked right, turkey is great. If it’s dry and tasteless, I think you’re attending the wrong thanksgivings. I’m not even talking about the deep fried turkey that’s been catching fire lately.* Simple roasted Turkey can be great as long as you don’t overcook it. This seems simple but I think 90% of all turkey hate would end simply here.
I also recommend eating the turkey leg. The rest of the turkey is good, including the white meat. But nothing says “look at what a baller I am” than chomping on an oversized leg. My main man Lavar would be proud. Here’s the other dirty secret – most people don’t want the leg. Either they are shy to take it, or think eating it will make them look sloppy. This is thanksgiving people. Somebody’s going to be drunk by 2PM. A boss move is taking the first leg. You get what you want, but save the second leg for somebody else. Try this, and thank me later.
Oh and for the people that don’t like dark meat for health reasons? We’re about to discuss 17 side dishes. I think you can keep the calorie count on hold till Friday.
With that out of the way, let’s start ranking and pissing people off. If I forgot any sides let me know and I’ll edit the post.
Thanksgiving stars tier
Stuffing – This is an easy first overall pick. People who don’t like stuffing also hate sunshine and Saturday’s. This is half the reason to show up for the meal. In fact, if it was social acceptable, I’d just eat 3 bowls of this on Thanksgiving and call it a day.
I’ll be honest, I have. I don’t feel nearly as much shame as I should.
When made properly, few foods match stuffing. Mine traditionally is spiced up, and includes onion and sausage. The top is a bit crisp but the rest is fluffy. Others may enjoy a cornbread stuffing or have another spin on it. Whatever it is, it’s probably good. He’ll, even the stove top box version isn’t that bad. Granted that would rank significantly lower but you could do worse.
The biggest stuffing issue is if it’s too bready, meaning there’s not much to it but chunks of bread. I’d just eat the rolls at that point. Another, worse issue if there’s raisins in it. I saw somebody bring a raisin stuffing to a Thanksgiving once. It ended with 3 fights, a shanking and 2 house arrests.**
Mac and cheese – This was a borderline inclusion since there’s nothing that screams Thanksgiving here. However it was on every list I googled, so I was forced to include it.
Don’t get me wrong, Mac and Cheese is delicious. I’m always happy to see it. Homemade Mac and Cheese, especially with a bread crust topping, is a crowd pleaser. You just can’t eat too much of this because you will eat full quick. That’s not the spirit of the season. Still a strong #2
Turnips/squash – This is where many will say the rankings are off the rails. That’s fine. You probably like your stuffing with raisins anyway. Turnips are great around thanksgiving, and here’s why, they’re full of butter. When you’re eating mashed turnips, you think they’re healthy but they aren’t. Oh my, they might be worse than the stuffing with all the butter used. But they create the illusion of health. Honestly, nobody cares if they eat healthy. But if they believe they did, they feel great about themselves. The human mind is weird. Plus, they taste really good with the right amount of salt. Squash, and not shitty pumpkin, is also a good side dish when roasted with the right spices. You can actually go sweet with these as certain types have a natural sweetness. Plus, nobody wants to eat these foods which are at every thanksgiving meal. Wonderful. That’s more for me. Give me my bowl of stuffing, a turkey leg and these and I’m good.

Adequate sides
Cranberry Sauce – I know I stressed the home cooked aspect of these sides, but canned cranberry sauce used to be one of my favorite parts of the meal. I think it was because I liked jello and this was like heavier jello. Then, when I got older (I was like 10) I looked at the back of the can. Did you know there’s more sugar in one serving of canned cranberry sauce than 3 cans of Coke? Did you know one serving size of canned cranberry sauce is touching the can? Not a good sign. Plus, I don’t know how anything that’s that solidified remains a paste. 
Homemade cranberry sauce is a different story. It gives something different to the meal, tartness. Plus, the sugar is definitely still there, but there’s no labels to confirm that. The illusion of health comes through again. This is a dessert that stuck on the dinner table but nobody called it out. I respect that enough to rank it in the top 5. 
Green Bean Casserole – For vegetables, I think most people are in on green beans. They’re one of the least offensive plants. So adding a creamy sauce and fried onion straws to it only elevate it. I’m not the biggest fan of cream sauces but it small doses, it can work. Never eat more than one helping of this stuff, or the casserole might become part of your stomach for seven years. I think that was a lifetime movie plot***. 
Au Gratin Potatoes – A cleat second in the cheesed based foods, by themselves, au gratin potatoes are great. I mean, it’s tough to mess up cheesy potatoes. It is possible though, and it’s usually because people try to make these complicated. You know what my cheese and potatoes don’t need? Extra crap. If you keep it simple this is a top five side, as long as we’re not sneaking borderline cheeses in there. You stay the bell away from this ricotta or I swear to god. 
What works against this dish is Mac and cheese. It’s just an inferior cheese dish. It’s unlikely both make the dinner cut, but I’d they did, you’re going to have a lot of leftover au gratin. Nothing like 2 day old cheese and potatoes. This dish is the classic role player who can step up when needed but not every time. It’s the Dion Waiters of sides. 
Rolls – Never overlook the roll. Truly the under appreciated part of the proceedings. Here’s a surprising twist – bread tastes frigging good.  Plus, the roll helps soak up any food remains you want to eat. Somehow using a roll as a spoon is acceptable, but if I lick my plate like a dog, I’m a villain. I’ll never understand society. 
Yams – Are yams sweet potatoes or are they different things? I still don’t know, and at 32, I doubt I should ask. These should be one of the healthier things available, but traditionally are bathed in brown sugar. I don’t even think I can play the illusion of health card here. These are good but truthfully if I forget about them at the meal, I don’t regret it. 
Brussel sprouts – I know what you’re thinking. Another vegetable this high? But these aren’t the normal planned vegetables. These are sprouts brushed with olive oil so they get crispy, and cooked with bacon. The smart eater will fill there serving spoon with the bacon, and take a few spoilers so no one is wiser. So am I encouraging you to eat a bacon and oil based side dish. Yes, yes I am. 
Although I do think brussel sprouts when done right are pretty good. So this is the true rank, but there is a punishment for being a green on the thanksgiving table. 

Gravy tier
Gravy – How is gravy a side, you ask? Great question. I agree that it’s not a side. Unfortunately America doesn’t. Listen, just because it’s thanksgiving, it doesn’t mean everything needs to drown in it. You want to add it to the turkey? Sure. Maybe mix a splash in the stuffing? Knock yourself out. But I see people pour this on everything like Vince Vaughn in wedding Crashers. I half expect people to have a side cup of gravy to sip.
Gravy is fine, but a little bit goes a long way. And this comes from somebody who likes using sauces. Moderation friends. You can’t be filling up on a substance that’s at least a half liquid. That’s why the post meal drinks are for.
I mean, I guess tier.
Corn – You know when you try to eat healthy and buy the frozen mixed vegetables. Corn always shows up in there. It doesn’t really help in any way. It’s just filler so Big Veggie doesn’t have to put in these with actual nutritional value. Corn serves the exact same role in thanksgiving. It tastes good, and it holds butter. That’s great but so do rolls. There’s really no reason to reach for corn unless it’s in front of you. You’ll own the feeling – you’re way too full but it’s thanksgiving and you’re no quitter. Otherwise, take from the tiers above. However, if you’re one of those criminal families that serve creamed corn, give your head a shake and report yourself to the police. That’s one of the most foul substances on earth that only belongs in cornbread mix or as prank food.
Sweet potato casserole – Woof. This stuff is rough. I like sweet potatoes. They taste good, and somehow have nutritional benefits. It’s the rare win win for diets. But the casserole causes some problems. At its heart, this is still a potato despite the name. Nobody confused a sweet potato with a crunch bar. So why the hell are we topping it with marshmallows? Oh, just the thought of it is making me angry. Come on people. We can do better. Like just serve the damn sweet potatoes straight up.
Salad – It’s going to happen. Every thanksgiving has a salad. And every thanksgiving ends with the same amount of salad. You know what I’m thankful for? Having a meal without leaves involved. If anyone takes a salad at your dinner, you have Bloggin Hood’s permission to mock them relentlessly. They’ll probably use the gravy as a dressing too.
Random filler vegetables – This is somehow worse because at least with salad, you can hide the bad taste with toppings that make it more of a dessert (dressing, fruit, nuts, replace the bowl with pie, ect). Here is where things like broccoli and carrots show up. Likely it’s from a guest who forgot to bring something and grabbed a pan in their pantry. This can expired in the 80s, but that’s ok. Nobody is going to eat them.
And if they did, well, Darwin was going to get some sooner than later. Live and let die I suppose. Especially against 35 year old canned broccoli.
This concludes our list. Wait, there’s something we’ll at the bottom, even past the vegetables. Ah, I forgot because of how criminally overrated they are.
Bottom tier
Mashed potatoes – Oh, I can feel your hate. I feed off of it. It only makes me stronger. Next, I’ll tell you all about how I only eat well done steak with ketchup and how we need more reality tv shows.****
What are you people doing loading up on mashed potatoes? Because of the gravy? Well that doesn’t make any sense. You put gravy on everything else. No it can’t be that.
Is it cause you like potatoes? Because they are mixed with milk and butter? So is 90% of the other food. Hell the turkey probably got coated in three sticks. No that can’t be it.
It’s because you were all raised in mashed potatoes. I was too. And quickly, I realized that mashed potatoes is the single worst way to make potatoes. Fries, hash browns, home fries and even baked potatoes are all superior. Hell, at least with boiled potatoes you save a few calories. You’re just throwing them away here. Save those calories for better food.
Yes, I get that mashed potatoes can be jazzed up and improved. That’s true. But so can every other food on this list.
But I will admit, I appreciate the mashed potato at the table. While you plebs fill up on peasant food, I’ll eat like a king. And if somebody hogs the stuffing, I’m attacking them with the turkey leg.

*literally as it seems this causes house fires every year. Maybe don’t cook prepare food in a way that potentially ruins your life? Just a suggestion. 
**Ok fine, that’s not true. It was a single house arrest. 
***Cassanova Casserole’s Revenge premiers on Dec 15th at 9PM
****Even through obvious sarcasm, it hurt to write that sentence.