Temps – The Worst Solution Possible or a Temporary Problem for Permanent Anger.

*The following reflects my personal experience with temps in the workforce. It is not meant to stereotype temps…too much. Please be advises I am aware that not all temps are like this. The names involved in this and the companies who hired these employees have been changed to protect all involved, namely me. Many of the stories you read are based on truth but add a dash of ranty rage for entertainment purposes.*

In most offices, employees are barely able to handle a normal day’s work. This wouldn’t be an issue if all the members of a team were qualified for their job, but a recent study shows that 90% of the work force is grossly unqualified for their profession*¹. Every day, decent, hardworking employees are forced to toll over piles of work while indecent, shit employees watch YouTube videos and complain that their second lunch is getting cold. The work ultimately gets done, but at the cost of people’s morale, self-worth and extra hits of caffeine. Just last week, I saw somebody inject a full cappuccino directly in their vein. It was dark.

Even the best laid strategies (have one to three people handle everything) cannot prepare offices for the onslaught of extra work. We all know that additional work is always around the corner. It shouldn’t be a surprise but every time it happens, management acts like it’s a shocking plot twist straight out of Game of Thrones. It’s as if offices don’t except work to come in, which it true, might be an indication to start selling off your stock options. Anytime these projects come in, it requires people to add another task or two to their daily routine. For some, this means to roll up their sleeves and handle for it. For others, this means to call out sick and marathon the Office for the ninth time.

Examples of these projects, and the work they create include:

Audits – Audits are the scariest project because it brings to light all of the poor work people have done. There will be a need to doctor documents to make it appear employees follow the required procedures. There will also be the need to shred countless documents that do not follow said rules. There might be a bribe or two involve, and possible worse. If management asks if you’re familiar on how to use a silencer, run. Run quickly.

Increased business – One of the more shocking events is that the company is doing well. Increased business will lead to more work for everyone, aka the only good employees in a department. Instead of new work, you’ll get more of the same old stuff. At least it means there’s job security.

Reorganizations – When things aren’t working out, companies like to shuffle the cards, instead of realizing a good amount of the cards are stained or ripped. During a reorg, there will be meetings, proposals and re-assignments. All the work created will delay the pressing business needs, which will lead to cramming eight hours of work into an hour and a half. Good luck with that.

Now, companies should be ready for any spikes in workloads. Teams should be designed to handle the ebbs and flows of a business, and should have adequate staff capable of taking down any projects that arise. We also should be able to fly and live to be 200, but that’s not happening either. Employees are trained to handle a set amount of work, and no more**². Bosses should prepare their underlings to handle more than this, but that would involve work.  They don’t want to get involved in that sort of thing. When faced with these challenges, bosses have several options to handle the additional workload.

Overtime – Bosses could simply offer employees more hours to handle the extra work. This would be a sign of faith in the staff and in some ways, a reward. Sure, the extra hours won’t be fun, but being paid for their efforts at time and a half cures a lot of wounds. But overtime requires motivated employees, which don’t exist in modern society. In addition, that will take money out of the year-end budget. How can a boss add an extension to their yacht if he or she is paying their employees additional wages? No, this isn’t an option, unless the employees are salary based. If they’re salary based, they will be working the weekends until everything is done while the boss goes fishing with their spouse and mistress/man toy, depending on what they’re into.

Executives pitching in – Any manager of a department should be able to get involved when there is a business need. They can roll of their sleeves and pitch in, working with the employees to tackle any task.

No, don’t worry. I’m just kidding. Bosses don’t do any work. That’s for the plebeians. When you’re a boss, you’re above getting your hands dirty. No, no, bosses aren’t going to be doing actual work. They don’t know how to do actual work.

But how can the work get done? This very temporary work that needs to be completed for only a few weeks. What would be the worst, inefficient, and least cost-effective way to handle this work?

If you said hiring temps, congratulations. There’s a future for you in management.

The idea behind hiring temps is sound enough. If the current staff can’t handle the increased workload, hire a few employees who will work for a set period of time to complete this increased work load. Then, when volume returns to normal levels, release the temps and go back to business as usual.

Of course, like most theories, the best case scenario never holds. The name of these types of employees, temps, implies what the main issue with them will be. These employees are only temporary solutions to a greater problem. A company’s resources, time and training will need to get these temps up to speed, and when three months (or less) pass, they will be gone. Those same resources could have been used to train a new, full-time worker who could help permanently. This way, the department is prepared for the ebbs and flows of work. Management doesn’t think of the big picture – unless it’s getting them out of real work. They think of things in the “what gets me to lunch the fastest” perspective.

Let’s play a quick game. Picture you are on a small wooden boat about to take off for a voyage. Tragically, fate has cursed you. The boat springs a leak 50 feet from shore. What do you think gives you the best option to continue your journey unabated?

A). Return to shore and repair the boat so that the leak stops. This will take more time, but will end the problem.

B). Patch the leak with chewing gum and hope it holds. This can buy you at least 5 more minutes.

The answer is obvious to most of us, but for management, it’s different. They won’t choose A. n fact, they won’t choose B either. Management would choose the previously unlisted option C, which is to make a second, equal sized leak on the other side of the boat to even out the damage. This way, everybody drowns faster.

Hiring temps is basically cutting a second leak into your already doomed boat.

Most of my sour experiences with temps comes from my most recent dealing with a group my company hired to handle a project. While each offered their own unique spin on work – one lived on the internet, another couldn’t read simple, painfully detailed e-mails, we’ll focus on the true breakout star of the temp class. We shall refer to this superstar as Bob Bobberton, Bob for short. Double B will be featured heavily in this write-up. Enclosed is not his photo.

Firstly, newly hired temps often come from poor business backgrounds. Since they won’t be doing any of the difficult tasks in the office, it’s not a big deal if they lack the normal requirements, licenses or educational requirements a full employee has. The problem is, most of these hires don’t have any sort of accolades at all. Often, their educational history is full of dead-end majors with no hope of success – things like Dance, Theater and English. Their resumes have more holes in them then the plot of Twilight. Many of their jobs are made up, or expanded upon greatly. Some examples include sweater folder at Old Navy (Sales assistant) Lemonade stand holder (entrepreneur) and Driving around drunk teenagers for money (Uber driver).

Yet still, these people get hired. The scary thing is they have to beat out other prospective employees, temporary or otherwise to get the position. Can you imagine how some of these people must answer questions?

Boss: Have you ever been in prison?

Candidate: You mean currently?

 

Boss: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Candidate: Being unable to get a job.

 

Boss: Why should we hire you?

Candidate: I don’t want to commit another murder.

 

There’s a reason these people are willing to take a three-month assignment. Obviously, they are struggling to get a permanent job. Now, I’m not saying finding a job is easy. What I am saying is trying to find a decent candidate can’t be that hard, can it? Shouldn’t we try call the cops about the murder guy before offering him a second interview? Bobby B himself (Not the former ruler of the seven kingdoms) had alarming gaps in his résumé, but still beat out roughly eight people to get the temporary position. The bar is set limbo style low.

There’s no true upside in hiring these employees. When a temp is hired, they aren’t going to know anything about the type of work they will be doing. Each temp will need to be trained in the same manner as a full-time employee. Not only are you not saving any time, you’re not reaping any benefits of the training. With a full-time worker, all your efforts will be rewarded in the long run; the longer the employee stays, the more advantageous the training was. With a temp, all of your training will be moot in months, if not weeks. Most people don’t feel accomplished in their careers, so imagine how they feel knowing the effort spent teaching a temp means nothing. Not that this happened to me and I’m bitter about it or anything.

Temps also receive a better sounding title than you’ll likely have, no matter how many years of experience you have. In companies I’ve worked for, the title temps are titled consultants. Now, when I picture consultants, I envision an overpaid blowhard who spouts out obvious advice to whoever will listen. Because this blowhard has experience in the field, everyone else will respect his cliché advice that likely came from his fortune cookie at lunch. While the concept of a consultant is infuriating, at least they’ve typically worked in the field for a few decades. I can be angry at this process all I want to be, but I can’t deny most of that anger is from jealousy.

But seeing these newly hired, time limited employees get a consultant title is far too much. They will be doing the most basic jobs, one where no matter the level of training, they will screw up, and we’re going to give them a real title? Was “Office Stooge” to on the nose? I wonder if that’s part of the agreement for hiring them short-term. In exchange for a three-month contract, they get a title on their résumé that looks way better than they are. I bet this is how temps get hired multiple times. If candidates are struggling with basic interview questions, and then a résumé falls in your boss’ lap with the words consultant on it, guess who’s getting hired?

Oh and you get what you paid for when you hire temps. Wait, no you don’t. You get a shitty job done by under-qualified hacks. At least you pay them well above the average employee salary for all the screw ups though.

Usually, temps are not professional. One of the most important tasks for a temp to fulfill is being punctual. Being late at a job is bad, but being late when your next hiring relies on a good review is a death sentence. The reasons many temps remain temps and not full-time employees is that they don’t understand this, and other basic concepts. Bob was scheduled to work 9-5, but typical rolled into work at 9:15, not noticing the dirty looks he got as he smiled to everyone. After a long, arduous stroll to his work station, comparable to the Undertaker walking to the ring, he started up his laptop, usually attempting to backdate his sign in time to 9. After a frustrating 20 minute battle with a time tracker, he’d get breakfast.

Is there anything more insulting than this as an employee? If you have to be late, and guess what? You don’t have to be late every frigging day… BUT, if you HAVE to be late, maybe come with your breakfast so you can start working when you walk in. Or, and call me crazy, but you could try eating breakfast before you show up. This novel concept could save over two hours of wasted time a week. Alas, Double B enjoyed a fine three course breakfast, likely sponsored by their fat salary, before settling in to working at 10:15. Good first hour.

As a slight aside, you’d think Bob would be full after this monster breakfast and would have a light lunch. Unture. Bob once heated up four slices of pizza in the microwave for lunch. He also had an impressive three burgers later in the same week. He was a slim dude too, despite his portly appearance in his not at all real photo shown above. The camera adds 60 pounds and 30 years after all.

Temps always have a tendency to leave early. Bob would regularly leave ten to fifteen minutes before his end time, regardless of whenever the Hell he actually walked in. When he was questioned why he was leaving early, the temp happily said “Well, once the work is done, we can go. No reason to stay until 5!” Now, there were several issues with this statement.

1). Every employee has to stay for eight-hour to get credit for the day without prior approval.

2). His work was never done. Not even close.

The temp almost inspired an entire department to start leaving early.  This was shot down quickly (thankfully), but the fact people were willing to listen to him shows how dangerous temps can be. Maybe we shouldn’t have given him that fancy title. He’s practically up to “Office Revolutionary” now.

Temps will also do an incredibly crappy job. I can’t blame them though. They’re too busy thinking about packing up their things at 4:45 to pay attention to the work on hand.

Usually, the assignments for temps are pretty basic. Since they are on a short contract, no company would bother giving difficult assignments to them. This way, the basic stuff will be handled, while the permanent members of the team can handle the more difficult tasks. Unfortunately, no matter how easy the assignment is, the temps won’t understand what to do.  Poor Bob, who was recommended for the role when I met him, said he didn’t have a computer at his last temp position. When I asked him what type of work he did, he couldn’t explain it. I don’t mean it was complicated to describe it – I mean he couldn’t make up a sentence about a four-month project. My theory was he drank a lot of coffee… At least I hope it was coffee.

Since the temp will have no idea how to complete their tasks, it will lead to more work for the permanent employees. Even a detailed week of training and step by step instructions on the simplest of tasks won’t help. These directions might as well be in Klingon. While the work is being explained to them, temps will always feign understanding, usually with rapid nodding that could snap his or her. Truly, you could be giving them details about how you had raunchy, aggressive sex with their sibling, and they would nod in agreement. The lights are not on when explaining things to the average temp, and quite honestly, I’m not sure there’s much wattage to work with.

The lack of comprehension will lead to a boatload of dumb questions. Most of these questions are detailed verbatim in the instructions. When Bob started his temp assignment, after 2(!) weeks of training, his first question was what system he needed to use. His second question was how to do the assignment. It was not a strong showing for Bob that day. Fortunately, his performance only deteriorated from there. As slow as temps may seem to be, they’re actually rather crafty. They know that once the assignment starts, the clock is ticking. And they will do anything to stop that clock.

And thus, we get to the heart of the problem with hiring a temp. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when that assignment is done, the paychecks stop. This is good, because if there were temp rocket scientists, we’d have a ton more fiery explosions in our daily lives.

In the long run, it’s in a temp’s best interest to work his or her hardest on the assignment given to them. If they finish early, the company should thank them by writing a glowing review to their temp agency. There’s even a chance that they get hired full-time within the company. Sure, this isn’t a great chance, but they would have an inside track to an open position. Worst case, they would be recommending in good faith for any internal temp or full-time openings.

The problem is the temp isn’t thinking about the long-term. While the work they do isn’t exactly glamorous, they get a title and a good deal of money. They are likely paid more as a temp then they would be at most full time jobs they are qualified for. Why should they give up this cushy position for the minute chance to be hired somewhere down the road? Instead of working their hardest, the smartest temps will do just enough to get by. They don’t completely sandbag, as that would be obvious. Instead they work at half speed, establishing a level they can easily surpass if needed, but not too slow where the output will be questioned. It’s the perfect crime.

Now, this is my assumption. For all I know, temps are just really frigging stupid and can barely handle putting on both shoes in the morning. This is the more interesting route, so I’m focusing with that. I don’t like looking down on my fellow-men and women***³. In my opinion, Bob Bobberton exemplified this tactic. Or he was really dumb. The jury is still out.

When Bob strolled in at 9:15, he would make sure to stop by each co-worker’s desk and say hello to everyone. He would ask them a question or two, trying to make small talk. Such examples were “How was your commute?” or “How did your night/weekend go?” These are phishing questions. Yes, that’s right, the internet scam technique can be used in real life as well. Bob hoped that someone had an unusual morning event or a bad commute to spark a 10 minute convo. This would kill time before real work had to be done. If his efforts failed, he would move on to the next person down the line. He would catch two or three people this way every morning.

After these conversations, Bob would post up at his desk, handle a few of his tasks for the day, before realizing he was too productive. He needed to kill time. Bob’s second strategy was to take extensive bathroom breaks. Now, I’m not saying he went home the night before and chugged prune smoothies, but I’m not saying he didn’t either. There’s more ways to kill time in the bathroom than long bowel movements though. Bob would regularly be caught fixing his hair for 15-20 minutes. That’s an incredibly long time for someone who according to fake picture, is bald. Being at the sink is also another opportunity to spark conversations. As we now know, conversations = time wasted. Brilliant.

Another useful tactic is the extended lunch. Bob had his lunch scheduled for 1PM, but that’s merely a suggestion. He would often leave at 12:45 and return at 2:15. If he happened to have a conversation with someone on the way out or the way back, he’d consider that work. Homie was taking a 90 minute lunch at a minimum. If that doesn’t scream delaying the inevitable, I don’t know what does. It took two months of this before a manager finally called him out for it, but by that point, the project was delayed, and Bob brought himself an extra month of checks. The gambit worked.

Or again, he was dumb and had a horseshoe lodged up his ass. Either way, it worked.

But all the time he was working, Bob was always speaking to someone, usually someone in a different department. He must have a contact with everyone on the floor, and that’s about 12 different divisions of the company. The genius of Bob’s stalling technique served two purposes. He not only collected checks for longer, but he networked to everyone in the company. Even when the project is finished, if a temp or full-time need arises, people will remember the guy who asked how the weekend went, or nosily asked what they were eating for lunch. Bob set himself up with a multitude of opportunities by doing a shitty job, as opposed to getting one good review. He was dealt a pair of threes and somehow ended with a full house. Honestly, I don’t think that analogy worked here, but then again, neither did Bob, so it fits.

If you work somewhere in need of additional employees, do the right thing and hire full-time help. It will serve your team for longer and will only take slightly longer to train them to be self-sufficient. Hiring a temp will only lead to a Bob Bobberton, a Janet Janis or even a William Williams. You don’t want those types running around, taking three-hour breaks and probably making more money than you. You need to keep those types to upper management where they belong. But maybe, just maybe, you can take a page out of the temp book and try working smarter, and not harder.

Or, maybe you can try not being lazy shit and do your job like you’re frigging supposed to.

Not that I’m angry or anything.

1. *This poll was done in real life by looking at everyone I interact with in the work force. Feel free to conduct your own study and give me your results in the comments.
2. **The standard employees is prepared to do two hours per day, and that includes figuring out how to work the coffee machine and remembering how to log into their computer. The real work total is closer to 90 minutes, less than their average lunch.
3. ***A bold-faced lie, sure, but I’m still going with the more interesting path. There’s plenty of rants where I call people dumb. Let’s try Machiavellian.