Taco Bell – The Modern Mediocre Marvel or How to Ruin Any Hopes of Sponsors in One Post.

Readers, I have a dark confession to make. I’m not proud of something I recently did. Fortunately, Blogginhood.com is one of the few, true safe spaces of the internet. I’m sure all of the regulars would forgive me for my terrible actions. I, Bloggin Hood, ate at Taco Bell this past weekend.

Oh, like everything you eat is clean and full of nutrients. It’s also not my fault. I didn’t want to go eat at Taco Bell. Sure, I came up with the idea, drove to closest location, ordered, and ate everything, but is that really my fault? Of course not! I’m a stupid, ignorant man who knows very, VERY little. I except no blame at all.

Everyone has their vices. Some people like to gamble. Others enjoy smoking. Most people enjoy eating terrible food. Not everyone’s choice is fast food, but sometimes, it hits the spot. Personally, if I’m going to have a cheat meal, give me literally as many mini hot dogs as possible. And I do mean literally. You’ll be surprised the amount I’ll put away, unless you know me even casually. In that case, it’s old news.

Bloggin Hood does not condone developing crippling addictions to anything, unless it’s to mass share this or other posts. Ultimately, I don’t think dabbling here or there in something unhealthy is so bad. If you know your limits, everything is fine in moderation.

Well, heroin probably isn’t. Try not to use heroin in moderation. Oh, and Little Caesars.

Despite having willing gone to Taco Bell (I’m still not accepting any blame for it), I still don’t understand the insane fanaticism its fans have for it. Few people are indifferent about Big Bell, as its friends call it. Either you love Taco Bell with a fever of a diehard Grateful Dead fan, or you think it’s shit food. Somehow, I’m in the middle. I kind of like it, despite knowing it’s shitty.

I do not understand the Grateful Dead obsession. That’s a blog for somebody dabbling in a different vice, and it’s not a rolled taco.

Most people agree that fast food kind sucks, but at least most other restaurants have a draw, however small or niche it may be. McDonald’s will always have THE French Fry. You can get fries anywhere, or even make them from scratch at home, but you’ll never be able to create the McDonald’s fry. And sure, it’s not everybody’s favorite French Fry, but that’s because some people have stupid opinions.

Other than the fries, McDonald’s doesn’t really have anything iconic or, really, anything even good. I mean, their burgers are thinner than hockey pucks and twice as hard. The McNuggets are unnaturally shaped to remind you how processed everything is. The ice cream machines are a meme rather than an option.

Hell, even their signature sandwich, the Big Mac, is basically three buns with Thousand Island dressing. I can make a bread heavy sandwich at home. I mean I wouldn’t (God willing) but I could. Some crazy people swear the McDonald’s Fountain Coke is better than other versions of Coke. Seriously? Was the fountain blessed by Ronald McDonald himself? Next, you’ll tell me the Bic Mac’s third bun enhances the burger’s flavor.

The fries are so good, people will justify other reasons to go there. At least that’s a valid reason. Honestly, just pick up two large fries and cancel any plans for the rest of the day. You’ll be much happier. The only reason to go to McDonald’s is their unmatched fries, and maybe to see my man Grimace.* ¹

McDonald’s isn’t the only restaurant with a gimmick though. Burger King offers frame grilled burgers. Are these burgers particularly good? No, of course not. They’re slathered in a half cup of mayo because the store owners are cruel. But, hey, it must make at least one person in the world happy. And sure, their fries are kind of bad, but they have onion rings. That would be cool if they weren’t soggy and greasy as hell.

Why are we eating this stuff again?

Popeyes came out with a Chicken Sandwich that led to every fast-food restaurant making their own version. What was once their gimmick quickly became every competitor’s gimmick. That was probably a dumb idea as it’s freaking easy to make a rival chicken sandwich. Ironically, Burger King’s new chicken sandwich blew anything from Popeyes out of the water**. ²

And no, not the 30-year-old, long chicken finger and mayo sandwich that’s still extremely disgusting. I mean the new, surprisingly good one. Maybe the secret is they don’t add mayo. What a concept. Does the Burger King have a weird Mayo fetish.

I shouldn’t have asked.

Even worse than Popeye’s, Wendy’s really lost out on the Chicken Sandwich spike. That used to be Wendy’s thing. Now, all they really have is square patties, Frosties, and the illusion of health. You can get a baked potato as a side with your double Baconator. That’ll save the old arteries. I still consider Wendy’s the slightest upscale of the regular fast-food chains. But I mean, that’s like being the smartest person on a reality TV show.

So where does this leave Taco Bell? Well, having Mexican food can’t make them stand out, since there’s about a dozen chains now. All the other Mexican chains have significantly better food than Taco Bell. Chipotle markets itself as a fresh option, pretending that whole E-coli thing didn’t happen. Moe’s leans into large portions, starting with its signature Homewrecker Burrito. Quoba…

Well, having a Q in it’s name is unique, no? That’s useful for a Scrabble game that allows Franchise names.

Taco Bell offers nothing over any of these chains, other than cost. But I don’t think cheap is a gimmick for a couple reason. First, fast food is “cheap” regardless, and no matter where you go, it’ll cost more than you’d expect. While I think Taco Bell is probably the cheapest, it also has the biggest knock of any of these places – quality.

You can, without question, make a better taco, burrito, quesadilla, or any other item at home. Not only will this be cheaper overall, but it’ll also be better for you. And before you argue convenience, tacos take about 15 minutes to make. That’s longer than most round trips to Taco Bell. And if you’re getting it delivered, the cost just skyrockets.

So tell me, what’s the appeal? Again, I was just there, and I don’t have a damn clue. In fact, if Taco Bell does have a gimmick, it seems to be spitting in the face of their patrons. Seriously, just off the top of my head, I can think of three distinct “controversies” from the company. Controversy is a stretch for two of these, but we’ll lead off with a legitimate issue.

The Great Ground Beef Conspiracy.

At no point has anyone ever called Taco Bell gourmet. However, the company’s lowest point, in my opinion, is when they were accused of not serving actual beef. This is the type of thing people will joke about. You might even throw out that it was an unsavory animal in those tacos. Blogginhood.com is not the type to make these jokes, but if you’re thinking of an animal, think way smaller, with way more legs.

These types of rumors aren’t new for fast food, but Taco Bell faced a lawsuit that they were serving 35% beef. Now, I’m not a scientist or a mathematician, but how the hell did a lawsuit settle on 35%? I could understand suing that it’s not beef, but 35% beef? I mean, unless the remaining portion was soil or, I don’t know, poison, I don’t see how this went anywhere. Then again, 65% poison would kill customers slightest quicker than the artery clogging.

Some of the most popular theories were horse meat, which is still being written about according to a google search (that’s some quality research), and sawdust. Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse, and I don’t want to pick one. Fortunately for Taco Bell heads everywhere, the company won the lawsuit, and confirmed they serve 88% beef. All was right in the world and… wait, 88% is not 100%. Look at me, I undersold my math skills.

Well, certainly that means it’s an 88% beef and the other 12% is fat. Ok that’s fairly lean and not so bad… Oh, it doesn’t mean that at all. In fact, according to the results of the lawsuit, the remaining 12 percent was the following:

• 3-5% water
• 3-5% spices.
• Finally, 3-5% Oats, starch, sugar, yeast, citric acid and other ingredients.

A couple of thoughts. First, I’m assuming the water is before cooking, or else there’s some serious issues in the kitchen. It seems like a weird ingredient to list, but I believe water is typically included for various groceries. I’ll let this slide… for now.

Secondly, there is no way 5% of the meat mixture is spices. I hope they didn’t say that under oath. No one in their right mind would call Taco Bell’s ground meat properly seasoned. If this is true, that means 1/20^th of their main meat mixture is salt. I refuse to believe the company can spell Cumin, let alone have it on hand. Wait a second… are they considering sawdust as a spice to get around the accusation?

Taco Bell’s ingredients might be questionable, but their lawyers are top notch***. ³

Finally, having to admit a significant portion of their main filling includes oats, starch and “other ingredients” is not great. That could be anything. Hell, it could even be beef. How did they get away with saying “other” when the whole point of this was confirming the true ingredients? Seriously, give these lawyers a raise.

Surely, this truth bomb turned people away, right?

Nope, people keep lining up to get their fix on 88% beef possibly seasoned with a salt/sawdust blend. Not even “other ingredients” scares these people away. Brand loyalty is a powerful tool. Sure, Taco Bell’s executives respect their patron’s blind loyalty, right?

Disappearing Menu Items.

Or, they can take advantage of that loyalty by treating their paying customers like dog shit. Better yet, a two-day old, untouched dog shit in the front of your lawn that the neighbor didn’t pick up.

I probably shouldn’t make bowel movement jokes in a Taco Bell write up, but it made through the editor.  

I’m not a huge Taco Bell guy, even though we’re 2,000 words into the topic. But even I took notice at how many popular items were removed from their menu recently. It seems like anything people enjoy, the company takes away, as though to assert dominance over their fans.

You know how McDonalds brings back the McRib every so often and people go buy it? The reason it’s not a regular item is the McRib frigging sucks. The only way they sell that monstrosity is making it a limited time item, tricking people into buying it. After the first bite causing immediate stomach issues, people swear it off… until they forget about it and buy another limited time McRib right months later.

I get why Taco Bell would do this. If you rotate in and out items, it helps to drum up business. However, any time I hear about Taco Bell removing an item, it disappears completely. They aren’t rotating things – they’re Thanos snapping them from existence. Why? Almost every item on the menu has the same ingredients in a different shell or wrapper. Why not just keep everything? Is the mystery ingredient becoming too hard to acquire. Is it extinct?! I need answers, damn it!

Recently, people were excited that the Mexican Pizza was brought back to Taco Bell. I saw that on the menu on my recent trip, and I have no idea why anyone would order it. It’s just an inside out taco with more carbs, and it’s harder to eat. Why wouldn’t you just get literally anything else on the menu? People missed this monstrosity?

Taco Bell advertises their new menu items aggressively, but they pull them incredibly quick. I remember ads for wings for about three months, and they were available for 37 minutes on one Wednesday. They had a fried chicken taco, because of course they did, for six days after pushing it for seven months. They shot a 90 second, movie-esque trailer for nacho fries, which I think are just fries with their unique taco seasoning (aka salt/sawdust) and nacho sauce to dip. The only produced two potatoes worth of fries at all their restaurants.

I just don’t understand. Are these just taunts? Are Taco Bell fans masochists who loved to be bullied? Who the hell wanted the Mexican Pizza?

4^th Meal Advertisement

For whatever reason, Taco Bell commercials really stick out in my head. I think it’s because they advertise during sports. Nothing says peak athletics like having a Chalupa and a Crunch Wrap supreme after a double Overtime thriller.

One ad campaign I distinctly remember, was 4^th meal. Taco Bell tried normalizing eating late night fast food. Now, the whole concept was stupid, but I don’t know if you realize how stupid it is.

Late night food is reserved for very specific circumstances – typically overnight workers (which for them is just a normal meal), college students, drunks, and pregnant women. Hopefully, only the college students and drunks overlap. These people don’t need encouragement to eat late; they’re going to do it. The entire ad campaign burnt through money Taco Bell could have used to collect more mystery ingredients.

What’s worse, is labeling your food as 4^th food is completely degrading your product. With this single label, Taco Bell labeled itself as drunk or stoner food only to be consumed when inebriated. Now, anyone with half a brain already knows this. But you don’t say it out loud. It’s like a clothing ad ending by saying “You know, you can get this way cheaper at the Gap”.

You know the saddest part? The 4^th meal ad campaign wasn’t the worst series of commercials they had. Back in the very early 2010s, Charles Barkley accepted actual money and produced the following:

Charles Barkley Taco Bell Commercial – YouTube

My dog shit analogy didn’t go far enough. Taco Bell produces this crap and people continue to buy their food. The execs are mocking you, and Barkley is sleeping on an extra layer of money tonight. I can’t blame Chuck though; I always promise to sell out if given the opportunity and Barkley did the same. If anything, I have to give him props.

I can’t say the same for you, Taco Bell fanatics. This was 12 years ago, and the restaurant continues to thrive. Is it because everybody going is inebriated?

Wait a second, am I the only person who’s gone not inebriated? This is really becoming an intervention on me. I’m eating a salad for dinner tonight.

Baja Blast

How embarrassing. I forgot Taco Bell does offer something unique that no other restaurant has: Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Other than the occasional limited time offer, this isn’t sold in supermarkets or convenience stores. You can only get this soft drink from Big Bell. The chain knows this, and they push Baja Blast throughout every restaurant. It’s all over the menu, and it’s front and center on the soda machines.

Hey, it might be a small niche, but that is a unique product. It won’t stack up with McDonald’s fries, but drinks are overlooked as part of the meal. And given a medium drink at fast food chains can fill a bathtub, you’ll be drinking this for a while. At least this will stand out and give people a reason to show up, however slim it is.

Oh, it stands out all right. Since I can’t articulate any point as well as Homer Simpson, here’s his thoughts on Mountain Dew

Khlav Kalash – The Simpsons – YouTube

Sure, that was base Mountain Dew, which is awful. Baja Blast takes all the worst qualities of Mountain Dew, amplifies them by 10, and then the employees take turns pissing in the vat. Baja Blast is the single worst drink on Earth. There’s plenty of cleaning products I would chug before taking another sip of this. Seriously, this is the biggest F you Taco Bell has to its customers. In fact, here’s a quote from their marketing team on the release of Baja Blast in 2004

“Today, we’re finally releasing our highly anticipated Baja Blast. Its aged piss mixed with sugar, and a little Scrubbing Bubbles. All of you dumb asses will drink it anyway. Sucks to suck” – Harold “Taco” Bell, Head of Marketing and lead Sour Cream Taster.****. ⁴

And Mr. Bell was right. In fact, I don’t think the language was strong enough. If a diplomat from another country was ever served Baja Blast, it would be considered a declaration of war. The one truly unique item on the menu makes spoiled milk a promising alternative. And people choose to go here!***** ⁵

So What is the Appeal?

This took me a while to figure out. We’re talking about a restaurant who can’t serve anything better than a below average home cook can make. Taco Bell openly tortures its fan base by removing the few unique offerings they have. Then, they ask you to wash down their shitty, 88% beef tacos with a drink so horrendous, it really should be a Little Caesar’s exclusive. They can change the slogan from “Pizza Pizza!” to “Poison Poison!”

This is a good time to remind everyone that this post is NOT sponsored by Taco Bell. Little Caesar’s remains on the fence.

Why in the world are people going to a restaurant that seemingly does nothing well and treats their customers poorly? I mean, masochists exist, but even they would have limits. I think it’s the sum of all its disappointing parts that bring customers in.

When you bake a cake, the individual ingredients aren’t the selling point. Nobody is eating flour by the spoonful or cramming raw eggs down their gullet. Instead, these ingredients are combined and baked together, creating an item people love. Hell, you don’t need to even bake it. Do you know how much raw cake batter I’ve consumed in my lifetime? It’s a modern miracle salmonella hasn’t taken me out yet.

Taco Bell has the same magic as baking a cake, but with way worse components. The ground beef is only 88% meat, with only Harold Bell knowing what else is in the formula. The tomatoes are always a day past their prime, and the lettuce started out wilted. The tortillas are always stale, yet still aren’t crunchy. The sour cream comes out of a rusted gun and only makes it to one side of your item, and the cheese is an American “blend” of artificial chemicals and salt. If you order something with beans on it, 85% of the item is bean.

Yet somehow, when it all blends together, it becomes greater than all the individual items. Is it high quality? Of course not. Did you read the above paragraph? It’s wilted lettuce, mystery meat and at least one bite is going to be entirely sour cream. I doubt the FDA considers Taco Bell a restaurant.

Still, the final product, no matter what form or combo meal you chose tastes good. You can certainly make higher quality tacos at home, but for whatever reason, the homemade ones don’t hit the same way. I can’t explain what it is. Perhaps it’s like multiplying two negatives. All the questionable components cancel each other out and make a tasty product.

Or, maybe it’s because 95% of the time anyone eats Taco Bell, they’re drunk or high as shit. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

Taco Bell may not have that one item that stands out from other restaurants. However, unlike other fast-food chains that must constantly pump out new items to keep with trends, Taco Bell knows exactly what they are. When the chicken sandwich craze hit, and every fast-food place had to make their own, Taco Bell briefly entered the fray. For about 2 weeks, they made a fried chicken taco that received positive reviews. Then, as they always do, they removed it entirely, never reappearing since.

Many people were upset by the removal. Finally, Taco Bell had a unique spin on an item, and just as quickly, they took it away. And sure, some people cared… until the next gimmick item came out that was also removed. This pattern repeats over and over, and the only thing that changes is the profit margin. They don’t have to keep reinventing the wheel, because they already have us all hook, line and sinker. We can’t recreate their food, because we could never get our hands on their ingredients. Stores would be shut down if they carried things this low grade.

In Conclusion

Taco Bell’s most recent slogan, as far as I know is “Live Mas.” It’s not the most eye-popping phrase, but it says a lot about their sales plan. The company wants, no, NEEDS you to live life to the fullest. They want you to go out, party your ass off, and grave a quick combo meal as you stumble home at 2AM. Taco Bell doesn’t want to stop making bad decisions – they want to be part of it. Sure, people could make a taco late night, but only sober people should be cooking over an open flame. Like any drug, they prey on the weak, and even when we’re sober, we still crave that generic, slightly above mediocre taste.

Perhaps the crazier part about all of this? I guarantee at least one-person who read this post will go to Taco Bell soon after reading this. All of the flaws don’t matter; what matters is the end product, a unique tasting, Tex Mexican fast food offering that would get a C in Home Economics. Maybe they could pull off a C+ if the sour cream is evenly distributed. So yeah, it’s definitely a C.

And to that person inspired to eat at Taco Bell after all of the jabs at the quality, Harold “Taco” Bell salutes you. Truly, you are Living Mas. But more importantly for him, your purchases mean he lives significantly more mas, from his mega mansion along the California coast.

The next time you see a commercial for their new double decker cheese burrito deluxe, remember this. They’re waiting for you to crack open that next White Claw and place an order for Uber Eats. They know exactly what they’re doing. It’s evil, and predatory, but God damn it, it works.

Or maybe people just like quick and relative cheap Tex Mex Fast Food. I mean, it’s one or the other******. ⁶

1. *Is Grimace just a monster, or some sort of sentient Chicken McNugget? All the other McDonald’s characters connect to a menu item. I assume Ronald McDonald exists as a warning that you really shouldn’t be eating fast food.
2. **Sadly, the good chicken sandwich was removed from Burger King’s menu. I have no idea why, but I imagine because it was actually good. Three new chicken sandwiches will replace the Chi’King, and I expect each to be dunked in mayo before serving.
3. ***This sawdust claim in ridiculous. It would not be considered a spice. It’s clearly a topping.
4. **** – Ironically, Harold got the nickname Taco for his noted disdain on Tex-Mex food.
5. *****Before you quote the first paragraph of this post and point out I went to Taco Bell, I definitely didn’t get a Baja Blast, nor a Mexican Pizza. I was an adult and got Chicken Chalupas. This is not a justification at all, but hopefully you stopped reading the footnote.
6. ******This excludes Baja Blast. If you’re in on Baja Blast, you cannot continue browsing this site.