Super Bowl Running Diary or I Didn’t Want to Write Full Paragraphs Today

Today, I’m going to try something different. I was challenged by a co-worker to try a live blog my thoughts on the Super Bowl. This seemed like a great idea, since I wouldn’t have to write very many paragraphs. I thought I’d breeze through this, writing five sentences an hour. This certainly didn’t happen.

Instead, the following is all of my thoughts and reactions on Super Bowl Day, beginning at 3:30. This was post gym, cleaning and a shower, but I wanted to make sure the people got my thoughts on the Puppy Bowl and Kitten Bowl. After all, these are the marquee events of the evening. I will in full disclosure, admit I starting having some sneezing fits at about 8 PM that I can’t explain. I don’t think it affected my writing, though there was a half hour block where I just wrote “GOD DAMN SNEEZES”. Not that different from my normal entries though.

I won’t go with a long intro here – We’ll dive right into the running diary now. You will get your regularly scheduled 1,000 word intro on Wednesday.

Puppy Bowl

3:31 – I come out of the shower to find Maid Megan  intently watching the Puppy Bowl. It did not take her long to find it.

3:32 – Why is the puppy bowl sponsored by Tinder? Are dogs trying to shack up on Apps now? The times they are a changing. This is additionally awkward when you consider a lot of dogs are neutered. This was basically a taunt.

3:33 – Maid Megan spots a corgi named Clyde. All chances of the pregame show are lost till at least 5:15. I have taken Megan’s phone to prevent a corgi adoption, as dogs are not allowed in my building.

3:36 – How much does the Puppy Bowl ref get paid? Seems like a pretty good gig. His joke delivery is painfully bad though. Feels like a CBS sitcom.

3:39 – Megan might adopt one of the bunny cheerleaders. Today could get expensive quickly.

3:41 – Megan has discovered the Kitten Bowl. She can flip games between commercials and not miss any animal action. It appears the channels coordinated this. I think I’ll be cracking a second beer shortly.

3:44 – Apparently that are still making Medea movies. God bless Tyler Perry’s ability to find an audience, and bleed them of all of their dispensable income.

3:48 – How did the Sloth get on the field? Doesn’t the Puppy Bowl respect their own rules?

– Oh, it was a built-in Geico Ad, so no, no they do not respect the rules. Or anything.

3:53 – The puppy bow is 34-28 at the half. Hope you didn’t bet the under on the Puppy Bowl… You didn’t bet the Puppy Bowl, did you?

4:00 – Whoever scripted out the Kitty Halftime Show was on shrooms, meth or more likely, both. What am I watching?

4:04 – That halftime show was frightening. Hopefully Justin Timberlake does better, but I don’t have a lot of hope.

4:17 – There’s no defense in this Puppy Bowl. The rules changes really favor the offense. Sure, alienate your core fan base to cater to the casual fan.

4:24 – I’ll admit it, the little blurbs each pup gets when they are announced are pretty solid. I have a weakness for puns though. Can I get on this writing staff?  Who do I talk to?

4:31 – Was the Puppy Bowl always a corporate shill spectacular? I thought this was supposed to be about dogs? Why am I seeing another product placement for vacuums? #letthemplay

4:34 – Peter Rabbit’s Bunny Bowl? Is nothing sacred anymore? I might have to switch over to whiskey pre dinner.

4:39 – Megan is getting anxious at the lack of Corgi playing time. Hopefully the coaches do the right thing and play him in the fourth quarter. That’s when the stars come out to shine.

4:44 – The bird handling the twitter is pretty much doing what I’m doing. I basically stole this concept from a bird. Also, Bill Simmons, but whatever.

4:46 – If I have to see this Irwin’s commercial one more time, I’m going to scream.

4:50 – AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

– Like do they have other shows? Do people care about the Irwin’s in 2018? I’m going to say no. They replayed the damn thing in four minutes.

4:53 – On my second cough drop after the scream.

4:54 – Tinder.com – Pimp out your dog today.

5:01 – Well, technically I picked team Ruff, so I got the first prop of the weekend wrong. Not a strong start for me… Much like the performance on team Ruff. Come on, cover your man Husky!

5:02 – Clyde the Corgi was not announced as adopted. I’m very concerned that there will be a knock at my door soon, and five different pups will be running around. The shiba and the husky are also heavily considered for adoption.

5:05 – Lil’ Jon has arrived.

• – He had already commented that not everything needs to be a pun in these games. He also countered Boomer Esiason’s remark during the kitten bowl coin flip that “It’s the kitten bowl, of course it will be tails!” by saying “Cats also have heads”. He’s coming in hot.

5:15 – Flipped on pregame coverage and they are hyping up Brady. Definitely going back to the kitten bowl.

5:35 – I missed the Danny DeVito commercial preparing nachos. What a terrible time to help cook.

– Megan read that last statement over the shoulder and smacked me. Probably well deserved.

5:58 – Rodney Harrison does the right thing and gives people the parlay gift they needed. If he picked the Eagles, wouldn’t people have assumed there was something shady going on? I’m sure there would have been shouts of collusion. It would have been legit.

Super Bowl

6:01 – Al Michael’s mentioned dynasty in his first sentence. Great sign for the bettors.

6:06 – I did not expect that sing a long commercial about standing by one another to be for MassMutual. That seems inappropriate.

6:07 – FLY EAGLES FLY

6:08 – Johnny “Bag of Bones” Jones. I think that was the punter. That’s either amazing or incredibly stupid. I’ll decide when I can confirm it was the punter.

6:11 – Very different music choices for both teams. Good on the crowd for booing the Pats though.

– LIl Jon – “Belichick picked the Patriots song. They weren’t given a reason, he just picked it and that was the end of things.”

6:16 – Damn it, Eli still got to go to Super Bowl. This is the worst super bowl a Mets and Jets fan could have had already.

6:17 – Wow, Nationwide’s own Leslie Odom Jr to sing America the Beautiful! Also, Hamilton’s but whatever.

6:20 – Over 2 minutes, let’s do this! You got this Pink!

6:21 – DAMN IT!

– To be fair, Pink had the flu and I probably would have switched my bet when I heard that, but I’m not about to edit a week old post… Or am I? Maybe you’ll just have to check it and find out.

6:25 – Gronk is a captain. Does he even know where he is right now?

6:26 – First course of Nachos is complete. There will be more courses. It’s all about pacing. I’ve only had two beers. Very impressive.

6:27 – Another prop loss, this time on the coin flip. Come on, that wasn’t a real flip. Re-do! Re-do!

6:33 – Nasty Nick looking poised on his first three throws. Granted they totaled 8 feet in the air, but hey, whatever works.

6:35 – Torrey Smith Redemption game. I mean, he had to make a good plan on an atrocious throw.

Lil Jon “I forgot Torrey Smith was on this team”

6:39 – LaGarrette Blount is the third best running back on the Eagles. Yet here he is, predictably getting carries at the goal line.

– That’s also a brutal false start penalty.

6:42 – Needed more than three points there. That could be an issue down the road.

6:43 – The robot commercial where the little robot says the human has a dumb face has saved another crappy start for the commercials. They haven’t been good since the Bud Bowl era.

6:49 – Eagles doing a good job of giving up chunk yards early. Glad I didn’t get my hopes up.

6:52 – Good stand for the Eagles there. Holdign the Patriots to three points was clutch. That’s the first time the Patriots scored in the first quarter of a Super Bowl. It sounds made up, but it’s a legit fact.

– That Danny DeVito M&M commercial was a treat. Much better than Dilly Dilly BS.

6:53 – Is the Super Bowl halftime really the biggest moment in music each year? I usually watch something else during the time but I might not be the target audience.

6:56 – Good job NBC explaining the Run Pass Option means the teams may either run or pass. Groundbreaking coverage.

6:57 – Before anybody says anything about the Blount run, Ajayi or Clement would have scored.

6:58 – Wow…  NASTY NICK SLINGING IT.

6:59 – Seriously Philly? After Nasty Nick put the team on his back, you’re going to miss an extra point?

7:06 – So this Eagles defense looks great so far. Glad they were hyped up for two weeks.

7:09 – Ok the Doritos/ Mountain Dew commercial was pretty solid. Already an improvement for last year’s offering. The more Tyrion I can get in my day to day life, the better.

7:12 – What the hell was Brandin Cooks doing there? Why are you playing hurdles in the super bowl. Get the first down and move the chains.

– HAHAHAHAHA and that’s why you get the first down. I reward you no points and my God have mercy on your soul… Cause Belichick can’t be happy.

7:18 – Oh good, a figure skating commercial. Haven’t gotten enough of that sport yet.

7:23 – I cackled when Brady dropped that pass. Couldn’t have happened to a worse guy. Hilarious. The best part is he was wide open. I don’t know if that’s the play I’d call. Taking the ball out of Brady’s hands to place the ball back in them in space seems counter productive. Brady deserves blame for not catching a feather pass, but you’re paying players on the team to catch. Have them do that.

7:25 – Diet Coke, what are you doing? Nobody wants cola with mango. That commercial sucked hard.

-My first bowl of chili is finished.

7:29 – That was a hell of a catch. Alshon is reminding people just how good he is when he’s healthy. The early MVP favorite.

7:31 – Why the Hell did I insult Blount again? He must be an avid reader of Blogging Hood.

– Yes, I know this wasn’t posted when it happened, but still. He’s been running like a man slighted by a blog.

7:34 – I didn’t know the Patriots won all of those Super Bowls. Thank you NBC, for reminding us all about it by showing each of their rings in detail.

7:36 – Are the Eagles defensive players aware this game matters, or do they think it’s the Pro Bowl?

7:41 – Zach Ertz is accumulating false starts penalties at an alarming rate. If he wasn’t so crucial to the Philly offense, I’d be more upset.

7:44 – Traditional New England interception. It was pure luck, involving no skill whatsoever. You know they will score on this drive, and I will probably shout out “poopy” when they do.

7:45 – I would not have followed a commercial featuring Keanu Reeves flying a motorcycle with a Martin Luther King commercial. I’m off fashion that way.

7:48 – That holding call was extremely late. I guess that refs had to make sure the $100 Bill Belichick gave them wasn’t counterfeit first.

7:50 – Megan says that Fletcher Cox is a very dirty name. I didn’t think of before, but I wholeheartedly agree.

7: 51 – Are we just not going to cover anyone Philly? It seems optional in their game plan.

-I guess we’re not going to tackle either. Great job Eagles. And a special screw you to the refs for that late holding call. Now the Pats are back to life. Frigging Poopy.

7:52- Wow, that’s another missed extra point. The kickers are really hurting these teams. It’s also hurting every box pool in America. I’ve read more swears than I can remember in my text threads.

7:55 – My second bowl of chili finished. I’m having trouble moving now.

7:58 – Clement is really good. Just like Ajayi. But no, let’s get Blount the ball as much as possible.

8:01 – Al Michael referring to Spinal Stenosis was offensive as a David Wright fan. It’s too soon to think about that. Let’s petition him to get banned because I am triggered.

8:02 – How in the world was there no interference call on the Jeffrey pass? Unbelievable. Patriots bias strikes again. Why don’t they just hand them the trophy at halftime?

8:03 – Oh my God. That’s hilarious. They ran the same play the Patriots on 4th down, and then it worked out. They ran an awful trick play that caught the Patriots off guard and scored. I don’t know if I should celebrate, or celebrate and eat cake. I think that was a dumb, dumb call, but it worked, so what the Hell do I know? I feel like this all is more justified than the Pats call since Foles is no Brady. Obviously, foles is a significantly better receiving option.

8:05 – Bradley Cooper is really hyped in the owner’s box.

8:07 – “Phillip Dorsett is a similar player to Brandin Cooks. He doesn’t have the same skill set or experience, but he’s a similar player” Collinsworth, what the Hell are you talking about? #givemeRomo.

8:10 – I just realized I have about every prop prediction wrong thus far. I’m setting myself up for success with any fantasy columns I write this year.

8:13 – A local news commercial just said a man stole a pot of gold and is now broke. Looks like I have to watch the news at 11.

8:17 – Remember when Tiger Woods almost ruined Lindsay Vonn’s career by dating her. The Olympic commercial remind me. Stick with messing around with Denny’s waitresses, Tiger.

8:20 – The long shot wager hits for Justin Timberlake’s first song. Which I had the cojones to predict that one. No, I have no idea what the name of the song was to be honest, but it definitely wasn’t one of the favorites.

8:21 – I hope these women that keep dancing up on Timberlake were part of the performance. We do not need another sexual harassment lawsuit. Jessica Biel is not amused either way.

8:23 – Three minutes in, and I’m already in pain. #JojoforSuperBowlLIII.

8:24 – One of the dancers had a fanny pack on. My review of the performance will increase by one star now. We’re at negative three.

8:28 – And there’s the Prince tribute. It had to happen. I called this one in the first quarter and was mocked. Who’s laughing now? Well, I still haven’t gotten any props right (outside of my man Rodney Harrison’s) so no one is really laughing.

8:33 – No guests, no good songs. I mean, he didn’t even consider Dick in a Box. That sucked hard. Let’s get some real entertainment next year. Like they could just replay the Puppy Bowl highlights and save money for more Danny DeVito commercials.

8:39 -Eli is now in two commercials that did not indicate the point of the ad.

8:45 – So I don’t know if the Eagles are aware, but they can cover Gronkowski with their defensive players. That was way too easy and it’s concerning.

– Bob Kraft looks like he had about 28 Jack and Cokes. He couldn’t even stand.

8:51 – Does this feel like the Jaguars vs Patriot game? It feels like the Jaguars Patriot game.

• How did an incomplete pass take someone’s breath away? Cris Collinsworth is having a terrible game in the booth.
• 8:55 – The Eagles are running all over the Pats. I did not expect this to happen.  As soon as I insulted Blount, he has an outside MVP shot.

8:57 – Hi Guys, Maid Megan here.

Bloggin Hood has come down with an unfortunate attack of the sneezes. I think he’s allergic to football. Quite unfortunate actually.

8:59 – That was a hostile takeover while I found some decongestants. Good thing my beers were hours ago. I am not allergic to football, but maybe New England cockiness.

Also, was that a touchdown? I hope he had two feet in.

9:00 – Jeff Goldblum is very available these days for bit pieces. Kind of like Joey Fatone.

9:02 – Great call ref. I still really don’t know what a catch is though. The ball was moving while he planted his feet. But hey, score one for the good guys. And trust me, Philadelphia is rarely the “good guys”. Take what you can get, Santa haters.

9:04 – Did the people making these Eli commercials forget that his older brother is more famous, funnier and available?

9:09 –  I just asked Alexa how old JoJo was (Don’t judge me, it was a question), and she provided the date the Declaration of Independence was signed. Why do most homes have this product?

9:10 – The Eagles defense kind of sucks, FYI. Also, the over was the play. This isn’t a good look for my first gambling blog posts on the new site. I mean, Hogan ran a fly route and was wide open. Who can’t cover a fly route?

9:13 – NBC just went straight up sacrilegious with a Jesus Christ Superstar, on Easter no less. I’m pretty excited to ses how that turns out. And by excited, I mean I’ll glance at Twitter and laugh at angry people.

Floyd Mayweather needs to lose a fight so he doesn’t get to attend anything ever again. I feel like that coat was made out of rat fur.

Bradley Cooper looks depressed. He knows how this game is going to end.

9:16 – These might be the two worst secondaries to play in a Super Bowl. Did Malcolm Butler sleep with Belichick’s wife? How is he not int he game at this point, unless he’s hurt.

Lil Jon theorizes that something might have happened to an important person in Butler’s life. That would make sense. The team might not have thought he’d be mentally prepared to play anything but special teams. I hope this isn’t the case. But it is a bizarre circumstance.

9:19 – I continue to sneeze. I might be allergic to bad defense.

9:21 – Good thing Eli had all this time to practice his dance moves with OBJ. They didn’t need to work on football in the off-season. Also, didn’t Beckham tear his ACL? Maybe don’t have Eli try to pick the team’s star receiver over his head before there’s another serious injury.

9:22 – How many people clicked the Scientology link? Really? Just me? It looked interesting.

9:24 – How is that the play on third down and three? Herm Edwards would be applauded. We play to win the game. At least they didn’t brick the field goal this time.

9:32 – The Patriots are going to have 600 yards of offense in this game. How are people still wide open? The only guys Brady will target are Amendola, Gronk and Hogan. Nobody else is an option, unless it’s a dump off to the back. What happened to this Eagles’ pass rush? Did they leave to at home to protect the city from burning to a crisp after the game?

9:35 – The Eagles defender basically Weinstein’d Gronk on the play, and it still didn’t matter. This is more depressing than the end of Old Yeller.

9:36 – If Alexa lost her voice, I’d do cartwheels. Except an Alexa rant very soon, possibly this week.

Also, that Alexa commercial sucked. I mean, everybody knows she doesn’t answer questions. It’s more of a gag gift than a real one.

9:42 – Huge third down conversion there. The Eagles need to go back to the game plan – let Foles do things he can do, and not try to make him Wentz.

9:44 – Another really crappy play call on third and short. You have to at least run some routes to the first down marker.

9:45 – Thank God Zach Ertz bailed out the Eagles there. I thought Foles was taking a backbreaking sack there. Which, the way Foles was positioned, may have actually broken his back.

9:47 – Who’s kids were Peyton Manning with in that ad? Does he have kids? That commercial raised way more questions than answers.

9:48 – People on Twitter and Facebook like the Eli and Beckham dirty dancing commercial. This is a textbook reason why we can’t have nice things. Because people love so many stupid things, companies don’t need to produce nice things.

9:52 -Lil Jon “That baby should be in bed.” I agree.

9:54 – Again, Cris Collinsworth makes another error. He claimed the Justin Timberlake halftime show was fantastic. Did he have a private show that the rest of us didn’t watch?

9:55 – Nasty Nick nearly lost the game on that pass. He was trying to throw an INT. For the love of god, get the first down and drain the clock. Do not give the ball Back to Brady up by less than seven.

9:56 – Here we go. Let’s see how long this one takes. I’ll predict it will be overturned due to Patriot douchebaggery. However, personally, I think this is a catch, and if it’s anything, he fumbled and recovered it in the end zone. I’m also incredibly bias.

9:59 – Holy crap, they didn’t screw up the call. I’m absolutely shocked. I have no idea how the refs make these calls, but twice, it went in the Eagles favor. Crazy.

10:04 – Holy shit, the Eagles made Brady fumble and didn’t get called for roughing the passer. Is this going to happen? No tuck rule this time, pretty boy.

10:08 – On third down, I would have passed. Maybe a run pass option and hope for the best. You go for the win, not to avoid losing.

10:09 – The Philadelphia law enforcement and fire department are very VERY nervous now.

10:11 – A lateral at this point? That seems like a bad call. I love seeing a hook and ladder play, but down the field, not at their own five when you have the best quarterback of all time. There were some truly bizarre play calls on the Pats side tonight.

10:12 – Patriot receivers continue to sprint downfield wide open. That first pass should have been a 40 yard gain.

10:14 – I don’t understand how this game played out the way it did. I’m still very confused, and my head aches from having my laptop open for 8 straight hours. That could be part of the confusion.

10:15 – All these meaningless Gronk catches are killing another prop bet I picked. I’m like 1-98 on Props.

10:17 – They almost caught that Hail Mary, Jesus.

I’m pretty shocked, to say the least. Nick Foles just out dueled Tom Brady, kind of. I mean, not really, but sort of. If you squint. Well, at least Nasty Nick won. Can’t wait until the Jets trade two first round picks to acquire him.

Maid Megan “It looks like Brady isn’t getting any tonight.” I sure hope so. I sure do hope so.

I don’t expect Philly to survive tonight. I mean, all the greasing of the telephone polls seems like they’d fry up very easily. The fire should start at about 11 PM on Sunday, and that should remove the city from the record books. Hey, you guys won a title for like 18 minutes before self combustion. That’s pretty good for you guys.

I feel like this game will be remembered for the two Eagles touchdowns that were reviewed. I’m not sure the Clement TD was called correctly. Based on the rules, it probably wasn’t a catch in bounds. I think the Ertz TD was correctly called, so hey, one out of two in the replay era isn’t bad.

• Finally, I’m happy for Nasty Nick. Not just for his own redemption and besting Brady. I’m happy for him because this proves that Jeff Fisher is just the worst coach. Three of his former quarterbacks who looked on their way out of the league had great years. Jared Goff proves he may be one of the young quarterbacks to lead the next generation. Case Keenam was considered a backup at best, and lead the Vikings to the NFC Championship game. Finally, Foles considered quitting football due to Fisher. I’m not sure if it was because Fisher sapped all his confidence from him, or because he just hated being around the moustached head coach. Now, he is a world champion, and proved that all Jeff Fisher was good at was regressing talent.

Ok, ok, and I’m pretty happy the Patriots lost. But why wouldn’t I be? Now, I’ll eagerly anticipate the Brady retirement speech on Monday. A guy can dream.

Philadelphia citizens, your evacuations will begin at 11:00 PM. Please continue to check your phone for your scheduled departure time.