Super Bowl Prop Bets or The Fun Way to Liquidate your Assets

After six months of the longest grind in professional sports – the media continuing to pull football story lines out of their ass, we’ve finally made it. After eliminating all the pretenders this year, we’re left with the only good team in the NFL, and the team that would have been good if their QB didn’t get hurt. I don’t want to spoil next week’s Super Bowl preview, but let’s just say I have as much faith in this game being good as I do in Peppa Pig respecting her poor sweet father.

Typically, I’d go on a long-winded rant about something remotely close to the main topic before transitioning to it. You’ve probably caught on to the pattern by now if you’re still reading these. However, today is different for two reasons.

1 – I didn’t start researching and outlining this column until Wednesday.

B – People have been itching for some gambling action on the site, and who am I to deny the people their crippling, awful addiction.

Now, any old chump can bet on the Super Bowl. You pick your team, check the spread and bet the over/under. That’s no fun. Do you want to bet against Tom Brady? Do you want to bet on Tom Brady? No, of course not. You’re no sap. If only there was another way to bet on the game.

Of course there is! There’s the boxes. These archaic tools are still the most popular way to people to have action on the game. The premise is simple, you pick your box or boxes, depending on the amount of participants and cost of each square and initial your name. Later, the person running the league will “randomly” select the boxes. To win, your numbers much match the last digit of both team’s scores at the end of a quarter. For example if the score is 7-0 Eagles (Fly Eagles Fly!) after the first quarter you must have 7 Eagles and 0 Patriots to win (The reverse won’t get you squat unless you’re in a weird pool that rewards losers). Upon the release of the numbers, you will receive two of the of the following – 2, 5 8 or 6. Meanwhile, the person running the league will have number combos featuring 0, 7 and 3. You’ll quickly notice that any person commission wants to sleep with also has a 0 7 and 3 combo. It’s a fun “coincidence”. I don’t recommend the boxes unless it’s with your friends, or if you know a lot of people actively want to bang you.

Another way to gamble is through Daily Fantasy Leagues. In this formats you choose players in the game and receive the standard fantasy points based on their performance. However, playing these games for the Super Bowl are pretty awful. There are minimal options and it’ll take a wonky touchdown form a no name player to win anything. This is almost as fun as getting 2 8 square combo. Pass hard on these types of games.

Fortunately, the gambling gods have given us the gift that keeps on giving, or at least giving us a reason to make another withdrawal from the ATM – Prop Bets. These bets are specific wagers you can make or nearly every facet of the game – ranging from player stats, the broadcast, the halftime show and even the commercials. Sure, you could bet on the real stat based categories, but again, where’s the fun in that? You might actually make money that way.

I’ve taken the liberty to list my favorite props so far released and given my stance on them. Feel free to use this as your guide to becoming a millionaire. Or taking out a second loan. Either way, this is the only guide on the internet for prop betting, so be thankful I’m providing it*. You might see a few made up props sprinkled into the list, but that doesn’t sound like something I would do.**

Please also note there will likely be more props released than when i started this column. Chances are, I’ll address more props in the Super Bowl preview, giving you even more reasons to sell that kidney. Hurry, the market will be saturated this time next week.

Will a Player leave the game and not return due to concussion symptoms?

Yes (-150) No (+120)

The NFL cares about the players and their safety. They will not allow their players to risk their health and future by returning to any football game, even the biggest one of all. This is a silly question and questioning the NFLs commitment to safety is offensive and wrong. It’s wrong!

Ok, is the NFL satisfied with that answer and have left? My legs won’t be broken for being honest now, right? Maybe? Ah, I’m sure it’s fine.

If you’ve watched an NFL game, you’ve seen the Blue Medical tent on the sidelines. Players end up in this tent after getting their bells rung in the middle of a game and five minutes later, magically return. I highly doubt these concussion protocols are followed. I’ve seen Cam Newton collapse on the field after a blow to the head, stay in the game, and tell the media that he fell due to his contact scratching his eye. That’s not even a plausible lie. The only thing laughable is the NFL pretending to care about safety. They wouldn’t play on Thursday nights if they did. At least be honest with the fans. I find the façade almost as offensive as the covering up of the injuries. Unless a player can’t stand, teams will look the other way most weeks, especially the Super Bowl. It’s grim, but no is the bet here.

Will Tom Brady be wearing a bandage on his right hand?

Yes (-130) No (+100).

It was obvious Brady’s hand injury wasn’t serious. It was typical Patriot tactics – drumming up an injury to create confusion for everyone else. While the Patriots seemingly struggled in the first three-quarters, the QB dropped dimes all over the Jags in the fourth quarter. His hand is fine, and anyone who believed that medical report probably believe he’s really questionable with a shoulder injury every week. Brady loves to have a chip on his alleged injured shoulder (Maybe the chip is why he’s hurt?). He’ll wear the bandage as a badge of honor, and use it as an excuse on any bad throw. It’s painfully predictable.

God, Tom Brady is a dick.

Will Bill Belichick announce his retirement after the game? (Must be on the broadcast)

Yes (+2500) No (-5000)

No matter how many prayers I say, or how many genie wishes I burn on this, it’s not happening. Belicheat won’t retire until he wins 10 Superbowl, or gets to cut Brady from the roster. You have to bet $5,000 to win $100. Probably best to step away, unless you have some insider info. Then again, a mere $20 bet wins to a cool $500. That’s great odds, but you’d have an easier time making cash by shredding money and gluing it back together.

Will a crazed Jets fan attempt to injure Tom Brady or Bill Belichick?

Yes (+150) No (-175)

I’m shocked this hasn’t happened yet. Huge sporting events have streakers and drunks run on the field at all times. How has a fan never tried to help out his or her franchise by trying to attack the figureheads of the Pats dynasty?

Jets fans, by their nature, are crazed. They are also very, VERY angry, often threatening other fanbases (and their own) at games. The fact that none of these miserable people (miserable due to their team allegiance) haven’t tried to pull a Tonya Harding on Brady or Belichick is remarkable.

I have to choose no on this made up prop, but if the Pats win, expect to see fireman Ed with a small hose and a pickax near the Pats team bus.

Will Donald Trump attend the game?

Yes (+400) No (-350)

Now, we all know how often Trump bashes the NFL, usually to deflect attention off of his own political gaffes. I mean, it worked well for Papa John didn’t it? Oh, he was fired from his role as CEO for blaming the NFL on a downturn of pizza sales? Hmm… Can a president be fired? That would be ironic.

Whatever you think about Trump’s political actions, anyone can admit flip-flopping is a signature of his presidency. Considering he bashed the NFL a few months ago, I’d be shocked if he wasn’t at the game. It seems to fit his patterns. I wouldn’t bet on Mike Pence showing up though.

Total Number of Donald Trump tweets during the game

Over 2.5 (-115) Under 2.5 (-115)

This seems like free money. Considering Trump just needs one rant and he’ll have four or five tweets, I think this is one of the safer bets on the board. I hope they add an extra prop for if Trump tweets at the game. Imagine him bashing the NFL as he cheers on another Brady Superbowl. God that sentence is gross. Unless the cabinet take Trump’s phone from him, this one will soar over. He’ll probably tweet solely on non football things happening to try to take the attention off the most watched event of the year. A cunning strategy.

Will any players take a knee during the national anthem

Yes (+275) No (-350)

Remember when everyone, including our fearless leader, all had a strong opinion on the players kneeling during the national anthem? That’s all people talked about on every channel. I’m pretty sure Ted Allen gave a passionate speech about it before the final round of Chopped. Now, it seems like this happened years ago . I think the answer depends on if Trump attends the game. On this huge stage, players might want to stick it to the president by kneeling, but there’s also a chance the cameras don’t acknowledge it on NFL orders. I’d say yes, but mostly because of the positive odds. Truthfully, I think the NFL will demand players stand, or even stay in the locker room, but remember, it only takes one.

Total bets Estimated by the American Gaming Association

Over 4.5 Billion (-115) Under 4.5 Billion (-115)

The fact that the number is in the billions is frightening. Are there that many degenerates in the country?

Ok, I guess there definitely are. Still, I think this number is way too high. That would be over $10 for every US citizen, and a few million by pets. I don’t think the cats and dogs of America are coughing up the cash, unless it’s toward the puppy/kitten bowl.

Winner of the Puppy Bowl

Team Fluff (-115) Team Ruff (-115)

Finally, a real prop bet.

Team Ruff sounds more suited for a football game, but as Maid Megan made me very aware, team fluff has a corgi. Now, I don’t know much about puppy 40 yard dashes or how they’d perform in the shuttle drills, but I do know that corgis are the official breed of dog of blogginhood.com. Therefore, I’ll back the Fluff squad. They sound more pettable anyway.

Unless of course the corgi is on team Ruff. Honestly, the rosters are confusing. How do they pick which pup goes where? Can I just bet on the corgi and make it easier?

Total number of Tide Pod poisonings during the broadcast

Over 14.5 (-450) Under 14.5 (+375)

This is the latest in trends that I don’t understand. A few years ago, people were consuming bath salts and biting off people’s faces. Then, we started considering YouTube personalities celebrities. Now, we’re digesting Tide Pods. When will we learn that these harmful practices are toxic?

The tide pod craze is exactly as it sounds, you eat one whole and try not to die. Sounds fun. This seems like something Youtubers would invent with a clickbait title (Did I just die? Whoa, I can see Jesus!). Look, I know they look like a delicious treat and sure they’re low-calorie but even still, I don’t recommend it. Poison, as it turns out, is harmful for the body. Please leave this to the professionals. We don’t need to give Darwinism more of an advantage. I also feel like YouTube videos disprove the theory of evolution but that’s a conversation for another day***.

This isn’t a real prop by the way, but I’d hammer the over.

Will Nick Foles Win Super Bowl MVP?

Yes (+360) No (-500)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wait, this one is a real prop?

I listed this because the odds of Foles winning are both incredibly bad, yet good, if that makes any sense (it doesn’t). If the Eagles win, it’s likely because of the running game or a dominate defensive line performance à la the Giants. Foles’ goal is to not lose the game and make the easy throws when available. If he can do that, the Eagles might only lose by 24.

I don’t think Foles’ odds are high enough, but quarterbacks always get extra credit for every win. I can see Foles getting votes with a 250 yard, 1 TD and no turnover game. At the time I wrote this, other player odds weren’t revealed, but I’d hammer Jeffrey if I was going to pick an Eagle.

I like money though, so I won’t pick an Eagle.

Number of Eagles fans googling if quarterbacks can play with a torn ACL

Bet removed from all major sports books

Come on now, you know you’ve done this Eagle fans. There’s no shame in that – 100% of the country that is not from or living in New England has considered the possibility. I remember Byron Leftwich being carried by his offensive line after a successful completion in college following an injury. Couldn’t we do that? Come on Philly, let’s get creative.

Unfortunately, Rodney Harrison would likely jump in and step right on Wentz’ injured kneee. For the long-term health of Wentz and the league, this is probably a bad idea.

I’m still contemplating ideas though.

Who Will Rodney Harrison Predict to win

Pats (-300) Eagles (+240)

You could have made it Eagles +2.4 million and I would take the Pats. There is no safer bet on the board. No “neutral” commentator has ever used the term “we” more than Harrison when discussing the Patriots. During the last Super Bowl, I’m pretty sure he ran out on the field and tackled Julio Jones. This is ironic, because if he knew how to tackle, David Tyree made his famous catch and people would realize that Eli Manning is a below average Quarterback who got lucky and carried by a dominant defensive line twice. Rodney Harrison is picking the Pats you should parlay this with anything else on the board, because it’s actually free money.

I hate Rodney Harrison, but if he wins me an extra $50, so be it.

Color of Liquid thrown on winning coach?

Clear (+200) Green/Yellow (+300) Red (+500) Blue (+500) Orange (+750) No Liquid thrown (+1500)

I’ve done extensive research on the celebrations over the past 10 years, and let me tell you, the colors are split. The most controversial was 2012, where it was a blue-green hybrid. Boy were the bettors mad that night.

The obvious choice is blue, the most prominent color on the Pats jersey. We all know Orange and Green are the best flavors of “Liquid” available. Using Blue is appropriate not only to show Patriot pride, but wasting the worse flavor Gator… err “Liquid” offers. However, I can see Brady demanding to use clear mineral water to promote TB12.

Despite all this, I’m voting green, specifically avocado green. Still bitter about the leaked story suggesting Belichick, Brady and owner Robert Kraft are on icy terms, Bill will sneak into Brady’s stash of avocados, juice them, and have them waste all of them in celebration. It’s the ultimate Belichick move.

However it will do wonders to everyone’s skin.

Coin Toss Landing Position

Heads (-103) Tails (-103)

The toughest part about this one is all my research was for naught. The coin flips I’ve run in the lab have resulted in a near exact 50-50 split. I must have flipped 100,000 coins, and I still have no clear favorite. It’s maddening.

Personally, I believe that tails never fails, and that’s where I would lean. My gut tells me in the big moment, tails will reign supreme, and give me an early winner.

I better do more research to be sure about this though. It’ll be a long weekend running tests.

Will Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth say “Danny Playoff”?

Yes (+240) No (-300)

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that announcers like to sound hip. They want the audience to believe they’re up with the times. Is anyone more out of touch with society than sports commentators? Probably not.

Al Michaels is more known for sliding in gambling references during his calls (there’s a ton of props on this, but they didn’t seem as fun as the ones I chose), but this is a reference in his wheelhouse. I think we check this off as a win in the first quarter.

Also, Danny Playoff is the dumbest, most uninspired nickname I’ve ever heard. Naturally it was from the Patriots. Why not just call in Tom Winner? Can Fireman Ed get on with his attack already?

Will Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth say City of Brotherly Love?

Yes (+150) No (-180)

The only one more obvious is a similar prop asking if Rocky will be mentioned. That one was too obvious to bother listing. I don’t see how this isn’t said, unless Philly is down 45 points. And even still, I could see Michaels warning the Eagles about the trials awaiting them when they return to the City of Brotherly Love. Remember, Philly booed Santa Clause and cheered when it looked like Michael Irvin could be paralyzed. The irony will not be lost of the play-by-play icon.

 

Length of National Anthem

Over 120 seconds (-180) Under 120 Seconds (+140)

I can’t see anyone singing the national anthem go under unless they were involved in a seconds shaving scandal. This is their one time to show what they can do. I don’t expect Pink to waste this opportunity. She might go over before the bombs burst in the air.

Justin Timberlake’s first song during halftime

Can’t Stop the Feeling (+150) Sexyback (+175) Rock Your Body (+400) Cry Me a River (+500) Mirrors (+550) Filthy (+750) True Colors (+800) Love Never Felt so Good (+900) What Goes Around…Comes Around (+1000) Senorita (+1250) Suit and Tie (1500+) The Field (+200)

That’s a lot of choices. I don’t particularly like having a lot of options. It’s why I wait to order last at restaurants. People perceive it as polite, but I’m really hoping to steal someone’s order if it sounds good. It’s a veteran move.

My gut tells me the choice here is Rock Your Body. It seems like an opener. I don’t see the chalk pick being the lead song, Can’t Stop the Feeling seems like a closer. Many of the songs are a little dark for a super bowl. I’m also extremely happy that I haven’t heard five songs on this list.

There is an outside chance that he leads with Suit and Tie, his new single as confirmed by Maid Megan**** He might want to promote the album. And isn’t the halftime show nothing more than promotion for commercial goods? See, Trump is definitely attending this game.

The one essential song missing on the list is Dick in a Box. I’m appalled it’s not a choice I hope Timberlake wasn’t censored. Part of me wants to bet the field in hopes that it plays. I mean, is Andy Samberg really that busy? Think of the outfit you’d get on the big stage.

Will there be a wardrobe malfunction during the halftime show?

Yes (+1500) No (-4000)

This actually ties into the last question. If Dick in a Box is performed, wouldn’t there have to be a wardrobe malfunction. Then again, if the box was opened, bookies might say that was the intent of the costume and not give you the win. I’ll have to say this is a no. The Super Bowl doesn’t care for surprises after the last wardrobe malfunction.

Though they’d be fools not to look the other way for Dick in a Box.

Will Britney Spears make a halftime show appearance

Yes (+300) No (-500)

 

I remember when everyone in my generation was in love with her after she released “Hit Me Baby One More Time”. By the way, that song title would not fly in 2018. That infatuation is long gone and the next generation sees her as some old washed up singer. Funny how times have changed.

I suppose you have to consider she went crazy, was married very other weekend to a new man, had a period where she flashed everyone her bits semi regularly and shared a bed with Kevin Federline, by choice.  

Considering the things she did, being labeled a washed up singer isn’t so bad. I mean, she could have become Kanye. Still, unless JT plans to give Britney the present she’s been dying for (yes, this is another Dick in a Box reference. It’s fine), I don’t see her showing up. I don’t think the spouses of these two performers would approve of said present either. That’s frowned upon in most states (not North Dakota. Anything flies there).

Will Janet Jackson make a halftime show appearance?

Yes (+400) No (-600)

Imagine a returning Janet Jackson having a wardrobe malfunction right in front of Roger Goodell? I would pay the $600 just to see that happen. There’s no way Janet is allowed in the state of Minnesota, but that would be classic.

Will any other member of NSYNC make a halftime show appearance?

Yes (+150) No (-180)

If Andy Samberg is very available, what are these guys? I mean, besides broke and unemployed? You’re telling me Joey Fatone wouldn’t be on the first plane to Minnesota tonight if he got the call? Yes, I saw the report that the reunion wasn’t happening, but that all a cover story to keep the surprise. I’d be shocked if we didn’t hear a crowd chant “bye bye bye”.

Will Charles Barkley be shown during the broadcast?

Yes (-200) No (+150)

If Charles Barkley is in the arena, he will find a camera. Considering he was practically making out with the Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie during the conference championship blowout, I’m confident he’ll be invited back to the press box. I was pretty sure Chuck hated Philly, but I guess a few beers and cheese steaks can change anyone’s mind.

How many commercials will Peyton Manning appear on during the broadcast?

Over 2.5 (-115) Under 2.5 (-115)

I don’t think there’s a number that would make me waver. Peyton is a shill. I’m sorry but it’s true. He’s usually pretty entertaining in commercials, but he’s out there to sell products. He wasn’t shouting Omaha at the line of scrimmage because he likes the city. You can expect a series of new Nationwide commercials that will be corny, and overplayed two weeks later. Still better than the crappy TB 12 commercials.

Will Eli Manning appear in a commercial during the broadcast?

Yes (-120) No (-110)

Eli is so used to riding the coattails of his brother, he couldn’t even get his own gimmick. I expect baby Manning to be featured in a commercial, possibly even with Nationwide. Or maybe he’ll make an inspirational commercial on how to beat the pats and make himself useful for once. Either way, he’ll be on the screen looking as dopey as ever. Hopefully we get the sad Eli face. That’s always a fan favorite.

How many Anheuser-Busch commercials will be aired during the broadcast?

Over 4.5 (-150) Under 4.5 (+120)

The only things spammed more than Peyton’s mug is Budweiser commercials. I think we could hit five before the end of the first quarter. The fact that it’s only -150 makes me think even the bookies know how many Bud commercials there will be. Speaking of…

How many times will the word “Dilly” be said during the broadcast?

Over 12.5 (-115) Under 12.5 (-115)

Being a Bud Light commercial staple, if you believe there will be a lot of Anheuser-Busch commercials, you have to expect a lot of “dilly”. The phrase of the commercial, “dilly dilly” counts as two utterances of the word, and one commercial should drop it eight  or more times. I’d be shocked if there wasn’t a Bud Light series of commercials prepared, so I could see this going way over. Fans will hate the phrase “dilly dilly” by the end of the night, assuming they don’t already.

Number of Anheuser-Busch products Rob Gronkowski consumes during the halftime show

Over 3.5 (-700) Under 3.5 (+500)

I could see Gronk finishing a 40 rocking out to Sexyback. Probably not good to pair with a head injury, but I don’t think Gronk has too much up there anyway.

Amount of times Roger Goodell appears angry on camera due to the Patriots winning

Over 1.5 times (-800) Under 1.5 times (+550)

As much as I hate the Pats, at least I can take some solace in Goodell’s suffering. I think the only time Belichick is happy is when he gets to stand over Goodell with a new Lombardi Trophy. Is this what my life has become, settling for modest victories?

*looks at Jets roster*

Yes, yes it is.

 

 

Tune in next Friday for the Super Bowl preview and potentially a few more props if any more that are released look good. I’m here to help you line your pockets.

Technically, lining your pockets with air is still lining them.

 

*This might be the biggest lie I’ve ever typed.

**No, THIS is the biggest lie I’ve ever typed.

***Disgraced Youtuber Logan Paul will likely try to make amends for his heinous video making light of suicide by attempting a 10 Tide Pod challenge. It wouldn’t be enough. And I mean that both as a means to make amends, and the amount of Tide Pods.

**** I ill not fail to give Megan credit after the Santa Clause fiasco. You can read that in the comment section here