Space Jam 2: The Sequel American Needs or Too Many Balls on the Court.

No fluff today, just the script that took me three weeks to write. Please enjoy this version of the theme song I found, sit back with a bag of popcorn, and visualize the future blockbuster cinematic masterpiece.

No, I don’t know what Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden is, but this is a killer remix.

*Scene – Ext – On a seemingly deserted planet, the camera pans in to Swackhammer, who wears a janitor uniform. He picks up trash and looks extremely depressed.*

Swackhammer: We had a lead and everything. All we had to do was hold the ball. What were we thinking?

*He picks up another piece of trash*

Swackhammer: I guess this is what I deserve.

*An alien with an alien pet walks by, dropping some waste right in front of Swackhammer. The alien looks at Swackhammer, shrugs, and walks away.*

Swackhammer: I don’t know if I deserve that!

Alien: *Off Screen* Maybe you shouldn’t have shamed your planet!

Swackhammer: Yeah yeah. Like I don’t hear that every day.

* Swackhammer continues to pick up garbage, now handling the pet’s waste*

Swackhammer: What I wouldn’t do to get another chance at those Toons. I’d win. I know I would! But it’s over for me. I’m a laughing stock. I would never be allowed near a court again.

*He sighs. But then, a spaceship crash lands about a half a mile away It has the Big Baller Brand logo all over it and Lavar’s face is at the front of the ship. Lavar gets out of the ship. LaMelo and LiAngelo follow after.*

Lavar: We’ll show that Lithuanian League what the Balls can do. Telling us we ain’t good enough for that league? We’re bigger than the whole country! We’re bigger than the NBA! We’re bigger than Earth! The only league big enough to hold the Balls is Outer Space! Forget being Global – The Big Baller Brand is going to be Galactic!

LiAngelo: Dad, we only got kicked off the team because you wanted the Baller logo on the jerseys.

Lavar: I’m sorry, did somebody tell the reject son to speak? Hmm?

LiAngelo: Dad! I’m…

Lavar: Get back on the ship until I tell you to come out!

*LiAngelo hangs his head and goes back into the ship*

Lavar: And don’t even think about ordering PayPer View. Lord knows what the rates are out here.

LaMelo: When are we getting McDonalds?

Lavar: I’ll ask this ugly little fat thing. He probably knows. Hey, my man. Where’s the McDonald’s at?

Swackhammer: Who are you people?

Lavar: Don’t act like you don’t know greatness.

Swackhammer: Don’t worry, I’m not.

Lavar: What’s wrong with you? Don’t you own a TV?

Swackhammer: What’s a TV?

Lavar: It’s like he don’t speak English. Melo, tell him who we are.

LaMelo: We’re the Ball family. Big Ballers for life.

Lavar: For Life!

Swackhammer: Right… Listen, I don’t know what a McDonald’s is. I don’t care who you are and…

Lavar: *Interrupts* Well you’re going to care, because whether you like it or not, this face is going to be all over your galaxy. The Big Baller Brand can’t be held to one nation, or one planet. We’re bigger and better than that. Do you want some Big Baller Brand merchandise? I’ll cut you a deal. Only 50% above cost. That’s like stealing.

LaMelo: Haha, like LiAngelo.

Lavar: I told you not to talk about that, BOY!

Swackhammer: What are you trying to sell? Snake Oil?

Lavar: How ignorant are you? We’re selling you the best basketball apparel this side of Pluto. How many shoes you want? I got a warehouse of them in LA. What size are you? You look like a small footed man if you catch my drift.

Swackhammer: Basketball? Wait, are you guys from Earth?

Lavar: We’re intergalactic icons. We don’t like labeling us to one galaxy, let alone a planet. But if I had to pick, yeah, we’re from Earth.

Swackhammer: Huh… That’s interesting. I was on Earth once.

Lavar: To see Lonzo play? I can’t blame you. He’s better than Magic and Bird right now. Kid’s only 19.

Swackhammer: I don’t know what a Lonzo is. No I was there… Ah, forget it. There’s no point.

Lavar: Now wait a second. I can tell you’re a man in some pain. Let me get you a few t-shirts and you can tell me all about it.

*Scene shifts to the two walking back to the spaceship. A good deal of time has passed. Swackhammer wears a Big Baller T-shirt while Lavar counts a stack of space bills*

Swackhammer: But we couldn’t hold on. The Tonn Squad beat us at the buzzer.

Lavar: That’s a shame. If you had me and my boys on your squad back then, it wouldn’t have been a contest. You’d have those bunnies locked up in chains.

Swackhammer: So your kids are really the best players on Earth?

Lavar: Not even close. That’s why we came to this planet. We’re looking for challenges. Nobody on Earth was worthy of our kids.

Swackhammer: You think you could beat the Toons?

Lavar: Blindfolded. We’d eviscerate them. I’m undefeated. Never lost.

* Swackhammer begins to think about the possibilities. But then stops*

Swackhammer: No, I doubt it. The Toons had a human who wasn’t nearly as ugly as you. His name was Michael Jordan. We couldn’t stop him no matter what we did.

Lavar: Jordan? You’re worried about Jordan?

Swackhammer: You know him?

Lavar: Know him? I’d beat him 11-2 in a one on one game. I mean, yeah he’d get two, but he’s Jordan. He’s too little to score on me when I get going.

Swackhammer: Wow. No kidding?

Lavar: Do I look like a liar to you?

Swackhammer (Internallly): If this guy can take Jordan, imagine what his kids can do.

Lavar: How much are these bills worth in American?

Swackhammer: Lavar, I have a business proposition for you.

Lavar: I’m listening,

Swackhammer: Do you have connections on Earth?

Lavar: Am I handsome? I’ll save you time. The answer to both questions is yes.

Swackhammer: What do you say to an exhibition basketball game? Your boys vs the Toon Squad?

Lavar: I don’t know. What’s the benefit of my boys playing rabbits.

Swackhammer: The cosmos think Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad are the greatest basketball players ever.

Lavar: What? WHAT!? Everybody knows Lonzo is the best.

Swackhammer: Then let’s prove it.

Lavar: Oh, consider it proven. Hey! LaMelo!

LaMelo *Emerges from the ship* What?

Lavar: We’re going to play basketball against some cartoons.

LaMelo: Alright, whatever.

LIAngelo *Pops up* Oh! Can I play too?!

Lavar: Shut Up Boy. Of course you can play. Somebody has to carry the equipment.

LiAngelo: Awesome!

Swackhammer: Wait, do you have five players?

Lavar: Sure. I know exactly who to pick up.

*Scene – Int. Lonzo is giving a press conference*

Lonzo: Any other questions? *Pause* Alright. Have a good night everyone.

*Lonzo walks off the stage and goes toward the locker room. He runs into Lavar*

Lonzo: Dad? Didn’t they ban you from the Arena?

Lavar: Don’t wory about that right now. I need you to grab your gear and come with me.

Lonzo: Another TV Spot?

Lavar: No… well maybe. I need to check the schedule. But we got a game Lonzo.

Lonzo: I have a game. We don’t use we anymore.

Lavar: Mind your mouth, BOY! We as in the Ball family. We’re playing a big game with the Toon Squad.

Lonzo: Wait? You serious? I’m in Space Jam 2?

Lavar: Does your pops know how to handle your career, or what?

Lonzo: I cant believe I’m the lead.

Lavar: Don’t fool yourself. We also need two more players.

Lonzo: Oh, you want me to get some NBA guys? Everybody loves Space Jam. They’d love to play.

Lavar: Do you think before you speak? You really think you can recruit better than I can. I know exactly who to get. Now hurry up.

*Scene – Int. 7-11. Lavar walks in while LiAngelo runs in past him*

LiAngelo: I’m getting a Slurpee.

Lavar: You gonna pay for that?

LiAngelo: No…

Lavar: Get in the car. I swear I should have put you up for adoption.

*Lavar goes to the counter. Gilbert Arenas is behind it*

Arenas: What do you want?

Lavar: A pack of Magnums. What do you think I want?

Arenas: I have no idea. That’s why I asked.

Lavar: Gil. Can I call you Gil?

Arenas: No.

Lavar: Gil, my boys have a huge basketball game coming up against the Toon Squad. You’d be the perfect addition to our team.

Arenas: How much does it pay?

Lavar: Not a cent.

Arenas: Get out of the store.

Lavar: Fine, I’ll slip you $20.

Arenas: Alright. Let me just shut off the hibachi and I’m in.

*Scene – Ext. Outside of a church. Lavar and Lonzo pull up*

Lonzo: Are you sure the guy we’re looking for is going to be here?

Lavar: Yeah I’m sure. Now, keep the motor runing. I got this.

*Lavar appears to be walking toward the church, but then makes a hard left. He stops outside of a liquor store where a hooded man is raving*

Man: Repent now, for the end of the world is at hand.

Lavar: Hey, Peace. Cut this clown stuff out.

Man: Lavar?

*The man removes his hood to reveal Metta World Peace*

Metta: What’s up fam?

Lavar: How you living?

Metta: You know, stuff’s been crazy. I mean, I got this sweet gig going on, but otherwise, not a lot.

Lavar: Want to play cartoons in basketball?

Metta: Yeah. That sounds good to me.

Lavar: You not going to question that?

Metta: Why would I?

*Lavar takes out his cellphone*

Lavar: Hey Swashbuckler! Yeah, whatever I don’t care what it is. Listen I got my five. You set up the meeting. Alright, I’ll roll in soon.

*Lavar hangs up the phone*

Lavar: Now let’s get some Colt 45 and meet those Toons.

*Scene – Int, TV set. The Looney Toons are going over their new cartoon.*

Bugs: Now Elmer, you need to really sell this anvil. You can’t just get your skull crushed. The audience needs to believe your skull is crushed.

Fudd: I don’t even know where I am.

Bugs: Now that’s a good start, but let’s see it in practice.

*An Anvil is dropped, crushing Elmer Fudd*

Fudd: Did I do that?

Bugs: Cut, cut! We can’t use that line. We’ll have to res hoot.

Fudd: Awwwww

Daffy: Amateurs.

*Just then Swackhammer, Lavar, and Lonzo burst through the front door.

Lavar: Time to point your cameras on a real star. Where’s the makeup girls at?

Bugs: Ehh, What’s up Doc?

Lavar: I ain’t no doctor. I got my degree from the school of hard knocks.

*Another Anvil hits Fudd*

Bugs: That’s the school of hand knocks Doc. What I want to know is, why are you interrupting our filming?

Lavar: Cause I’m here to school you on the court.

Daffy: Are we going to court again?

Bugs: There’s some good filming we can do there. Hey, Elmer, you think you could wear a wig and bang a gavel.

*Elmer doesn’t make a sound but gives a thumbs up*

Bugs: Perfect.

Lavar: Not that court. We already got to go back to court for LiAngelo stealing that slurpee. Can’t wait til I can disown him.

Daffy: Right…

*Daffy spins a finger around his ear.*

Lavar: I’m talking about the B-Ball Court.

Bugs: No offense Doc but we don’t do the basketball thing anymore.

Swackhammer: You didn’t do it very well 20 years ago either.

*Swackhammer reveals himself*

Bugs: You…

Daffy: I remember you! Weren’t you Michael Jordan’s equipment manager?

Bugs: That was a different guy Daff.

Daffy: No, no, he’s short, fat and doesn’t contribute much.

Swackhammer: I’m not fat!

Bugs: That’s a personal opinion.

Swackhammer: I’m here to challenge you are to a basketball game. I want my revenge on you Toons for ruining me!

Bugs: I don’t know. We’re very busy.

*All the other Looney Toons are eating at the buffet. Lavar has also helped himself*

Swackhammer: I knew you were cowards.

Daffy: Now wait just a minute. We might be despicable, insufferable, violent, and cowards. But we are definitely not afraid of you!

Bugs: What Daff was trying to say was without stealing talent, you couldn’t beat us.

Lola: Yeah, besides, we still won even though you cheated.

*Lavar throws his food down and gets it Lola’s face.*

Lavar: No cheerleader is going to express her ignorant opinion. Stay in your lane!

Lola: Who are you to tell me..

Lavar: Stay in your lane!

*Lola tries to talk again, but Lavar shushes her*

Lavar: Now the men can finally talk. Listen here bunny, my boy Swashbucker told me.

Swachhammer: It’s Swackhammer.

Lavar: Was I finished?

Swackhammer: Well, no,  but…

Lavar: Was I finished?! Can I proceed or do you need to keep yapping?

Swackhammer Go ahead.

Lava: About time! What that thing said was you suckas only won because Michael Jordan was on your team. I could D him up like nobody ever could. Now you don’t have him, and you’re facing my boys. Lonzo is Magic Johnson with a jump shot. LaMelo makes Steph look like a pre schooler. And we got three other guys on the team. Good luck stopping all of that firepower.

Daffy: Something tells me this guy is loonier than us.

Bugs: I don’t really see the point of us wasting our time

Lola: I do. If this jerk wants to play, let’s do it.

Bugs: I don’t know.

*Lola looks incredibly pissed. Bugs sighs*

Bugs: Ok, deal. Let’s do it.

Lavar: About time. It’s soft that you let your woman on the court.

*They go to shake*

Lavar: And I get 98% of the profits.

Bugs: What profits? It’s an exhibition.

Lavar: No, it’s an event. You think the Big Baller Brand is going to give this game away for free? All the networks want to see the Ball Family. And they got to pay for the rights.

Daffy: Profits? Hey Bugs, we need to get our hands on some moola.

Lavar: What’s a duck going to do with money?

Daffy: Probably do more with it than a quack.

*Wily E. Coyote walks over. He holds up a sign that reads “Perhaps I can help”*

Lavar: Who’s this little pup?

*Wily E Coyote’s sign says “Charmed, I’m sure*

Bugs: If anybody can help us draw up a contract, it’s Wily. He’s spent millions on Acme products and still can afford his apartment, plus child support.

Swackhammer: You know, I used to be a multi billionaire businessman.

Lavar: My god, between you and the woman it’s like a book club in here. Let the adults do the talking.

*There is a montage of Bugs, Daffy, Wily and Lavar hammering out details. It takes 15 minutes of real time*

Lavar: And this will be a tax write off?

*Wily Nods and smiles*

Lavar: Perfect. See you losers later. BIG BALLERS!

*The Balls leave.*

Lonzo: *Off screen* So wait, I’m not on the Toon Squad?

*Scene Int – All the Looney Toons are discussing the game*

Porky: Gee Bugs. What do you think we should d…d…d…d…consider?

Bugs: That Lavar is a few cards short of a full deck. I’m not worried about them. But Swackhammer might steal some more NBA Talent. That could be a problem. We should probably get an NBA player, just in case.

Daffy: But Michael Jordan is about 50 now.

Sylvester: Plus he bet on the last game and asked me to shave points.

Elmer: He kept me out drinking until 4 in the morning!

Bugs: Right. I was thinking of a current NBA player. Somebody who wouldn’t be rusty.

Granny: I know just the player. George Mikan is a good boy and he’ll be a great help.

Bugs: That’s sweet of you Granny, but let me handle this one.

*Scene – Int – Bugs, Lola and Daffy meet with different NBA players. First is Steph Curry*

Bugs: Steph, we think you’d be perfect. What do you say?

Curry: I appreciate it guys but you don’t need my help against the Balls. It’s not worth my time.

Bugs: But we need to be sure we win.

Curry: Trust me, you will.

Daffy: What about KD? Is he around to play a quick game?

Curry: No… No KD… Well, he hates fun.

Daffy: Really?

Curry: Yeah, definitely. But Draymond would play

Bugs, Daffy and Lola: NO!

Curry: Alright, I get it. Well, good luck.

*Steph Leaves*

Lola: What are we going to do Bugs. Steph was our first choice.

*The next meeting is with Russell Westbrook. Daffy is in the middle of a pitch*

Daffy: Plus you kind of look like a Ninja Turtle so you’ll fit right in. What do you say pal?

Westbrook: A ninja Turtle!? This is why nobody watches your shows anymore!

Lola: Daffy, would you be nicer?

Daffy: It was a compliment.

Westbrook: Nah, forget this. I mean, when you said I was your first choice, I was interested, but now, forget it.

Bugs: First choice?

Westbrook: Yeah, the duck said… Wait a second. Did you ask Durant before me?

Daffy: Well, not in so many words.

Westbrook: Forget this. I always liked Tex Avery cartoon better anyway. If they had a team, I’d play for them.

*Westbrook starts to leave. Angry, Daffy sets up a safe to crush Westbrook’s skull*

Bugs: Daffy, we’re not supposed to hurt the NBA players.

Daffy: After what he said, this means war.

Bugs: Let it go.

Daffy: As you wish.

*Daffy let go of the rope. It misses Westbrook be a centimeter. Bus looks angry*

Daffy: Ain’t I stinker?

Bugs: That’s my line

*The Toons now meet with Joel Embiid who’s overjoyed at the proposal*

Bugs: So what do you say Doc? Would you play with us?

Embiid: Are you kidding me? I’d love to play.

Bugs: Oh thank you. We were getting worried.

Embiid: Anything for you guys, and you, lady bunny thing. *He winks* How you doing?

Lola: I’m not sure how to react to that.

Embiid: Let me just Tweet out and then we’ll go practice.

Daffy: Does this mean we can cut Foghorn?

Lola: I’d rather cut that two foot Cowboy? Has he ever washed his mustache?

Daffy: Are you talking about Porky?

Lola: No I’m not talking about Porky? How do you not know who this is?

Daffy: Bugs, does Porky have a mustache?

*Suddenly, Embidd’s phone starts shaking like crazy*

Embiid: Uh oh.

Bugs: What’s wrong?

Embiid: So, I sent out a text to Rihanna saying I was on the Toon Squad so I should be be to slide into her DMs. But then the 76ers found out. I’m not supposed to be playing in exhibition games. I’m barely allowed to play basketball!

Bugs: But what about our game?

Embiid: Ah you’ll be fine. The Balls are soft. Good luck guys.

*Embiid leaves*

Bugs: I didn’t want to do this, but we’re going to have to pay up for talent.

*The Toons meet with LeBron*

Bugs: Ok doc, we’ll get you 500,000 followers if you play with us.

Daffy: Do we have to like every post?

Lebron: Yes, that’s the whole point.

Daffy Fine, but we’ll make Tweety handing retweets.

LeBron: That works. So, who are we playing?

Bugs: Do you know Lavar Ball?

LeBron: Of course.

Bugs: Well It’s him and his sons.

LeBron: The Ball boys? Hmm… that’s a great marketing opportunity.

Bugs: Marketing?

LeBron: Yeah. I mean, they can’t play at all, but think of the cross promotion I could do by playing with them. I want to be the billion dollar man. Besides, you guys don’t exactly have any all stars.

Lola: I’m pretty good.

LeBron: Yeah, so was Kyrie and look what I did to him. No, this won’t work at all. I have a reputation to keep.

Daffy: You’ve sure kept it.

LeBron: Thanks. Remember to shut off all your apps during the playoffs and follow mine!

*LeBron Leaves*

Lola: Bugs, what are we going to do?

Bugs: The only thing we can do… practice.

Daffy: You talking about practice?

*Scene Int – basketball Court. The team Practices on the same court as in Space Jam*

Bugs: Yes, yes I am.

Daffy: You’re despicable.

*The team begins to shoot around when the gym doors open*

???: Hey Guys. Can I play?

Porky: WH…Wh…Wh…Wh…State your name please?

Daffy: It’s MJ! I knew he’d come back!

*The person appears. It’s Draymond Green*

Draymond: MJ? Who are you kidding? He’s 50 and probably gambling his kids’ inheritance away

Daffy: I’m sorry, who did you say you were?

Draymond: Draymond Green. Center of the Golden State Warriors.

Sylvester: Suffering Succotash! Run for your lives!

*Several of the Toons begin to head for the doors*

Draymond: Guys, calm down. I’m not hear to go after you *His eyes narrow* yet.

Sylvester: I’m going to need a new litter box.

Draymond: I heard about the game. I want to play on the team. You know how much fun it would be to mess up the Balls? I still have a tech to give before I’m suspended!

Bugs: I don’t know Doc. Aren’t you a little… dirty… of a player?

Draymond: I resent that. Just because I’m passionate about the game doesn’t make me dirty.

Daffy: Didn’t you go around kicking people in the Looney Toons a few seasons ago?

Draymond: Well, they deserved it. Especially Lebron. Wish I didn’t miss him.

*Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam begin shooting their guns in the air*

Yosemite: Tarnation! He’s too violent. I won’t risk my health with him the court.

Elmer: Show some compassion Bugs.

Draymond: You keep yapping and I’ll shove those guns….

*Bugs and Lola look very annoyed at Draymond*

Draymond: I mean, you guys are welcomed to your opinion. But I’m softer, gentle Draymond. I haven’t punched out a ref in weeks.

Daffy: Weeks?

Draymond: Give me a chance. I can make your team better.

Lola: Bugs… We do want to win this game don’t we?

Bugs: I don’t know Lola. You might not be safe.

Draymond: I wouldn’t never put my hands on a woman.

Lola: See?

Sylvester: What about a cute cat?

Draymond: Depends if you’re in the post.

Bugs: I suppose we could give it a trial run. What do you say guys?

*Several Toons, including Sylvester and Daffy begin to put on suits of armor*

Draymond: HAHAHA. That wouldn’t help you anyway.

Sylvester: Tweety, you can play for me.

Tweety: No way. I don’t have that kind of insurance.

*A montage of plays would occur. On a missed jump shot by Bugs, Draymond elbows Wily E. Coyote in the jaw, flinging him into a pile of live explosives. Later, after catching the ball in the post, Green knocks Daffy’s beak clean off with his shoulder, than barrels over Sylvester for a dunk. Finally, on a fast break, Draymond tramples over Porky Pig before passing to Lola for a layup. Then, suddenly, Wayne Knight appears. He picks up the basketball from the made shot*

Wayne: Hi guys! I heard there was another game and thought maybe I could play. I did score a clutch basket. Not that I like to brag. Let’s see if I still got it.

*Knight goes to take a shot. Draymond rushes into the screen*

Draymond: Not in my house Wide Load!

*Draymond blocks the shot and ends up completely flattening Knight. The ball rolls toward Daffy’s beak, still on the ground*

Daffy: He wasn’t even in the game.

Draymond: What can I say? It was a lapse of judgment.

*Bugs looks around. Everybody is injured except for him, and Lola*

Bugs: I’d say it more than a lapse of morals.

Draymond: I’m a physical player.

Bugs: We’ve only played for three minutes.

*Tazz spins onto the scene looking happy. He puts his arm around Draymond*

Tazz: *Tazz gibberish* Great Player

Lola: Well, you got one approval.

Draymond: What jersey number do I get?

Bugs: I don’t think you can play with us. If you stay on the team we might not have enough players for the game.

Draymond: What?! But you promised.

Bugs: No I didn’t.

Draymond: But guys. I’ll be doing these things to the other team. I don’t get anything for hurting anyone on my team.

Lola: He has a point Bugs.

Bugs: Hmm… Well, maybe.

Draymond: I’ll give you $500.

*Bugs shakes Draymond’s hand*

Bugs: Pleasure doing business with you. Just make sure you don’t forget who’s team your on.

Draymond: Why does everyone keep saying that?

*Draymond picks up and throws Elmer Fudd, the closest Toon into the 6th row of the bleachers.*

Draymond: Oops.

Bugs: That’s going to cost you an extra $100.

Fudd: I can’t feel my face.

Draymond: Walk it off, crybaby.

*Scene Int – Press Conference. Lavar sits with Swackhammer, Metta World Peace and Lonzo. LiAngelo fetches them drinks. Bugs, Lola and Daffy sit on the opposite side.*

Lavar *Sipping his drink* LiAngelo, what did I tell you to get me?

LiAngelo: An Iced Coffer.

Lavar: And did I tell you to put Ice in it?

LiAngelo: Dad, it’s kind of a requirement.

*Lavar chucks the content of the cup at LiAngelo, getting ice everywhere*

Lavar: Don’t you question me after I get you out of a communist jail! Learn your place and get it again!

LiAngelo: But dad…

Lavar: You want me to take off my belt?

LiAngelo: Ok, ok.

*Lavar turns to address the media*

Lavar: I’m sorry you all had to see that. My son, he’s, well, dumb. Ignorance should not be tolerated and it won’t be in the Ball family. And speaking of ignorance, anyone in the media have any questions?

Reporter: Yes, who is going to be officiating this game?

Bugs: I’ll handle that one Doc. Marvin the Martian will ref this game like the last one.

Lavar: No chance.

Bugs: Why not?

Lavar: Like I need one of you Looney Toons giving you all the calls.

Lola: He’s a Martian too. He’s the closest we have to neutral.

Lavar: We don’t have no aliens!

Swackhammer: I’m right here.

Lavar: In fact, I wouldn’t even roster an alien, even if they begged to play.

Swackhammer: We came to this press conference in a space ship.

Lavar: All we got in good US of A prodcuts.

Peace: *Meditating* Don’t be so sure.

Lavar: I got a ref for you. One that’s just as Looney as the rest of ya. Tim Donaghy!

*Tim Donaghy comes out in a ripped to shreds NBA ref uniform*

Reporter: You can’t be serious.

Lavar: Donaghy had a lot of free time on his hands, and he’s got plenty of experience reffing the big games.

Bugs: We’re not falling for it Doc.

*Donaghy blows a whistle and makes a T with his hands*

Donaghy: Technical foul rabbit! Hit the showers!

Lavar: It’s not time for the game Tim. We talked about that.

*Donaghy’s unfirom rips, revealing a Big Baller Brand logo*

Bugs: Impartial, huh?

Lavar: I’m trying to entertain, rabbit. Fine, you can have your Martian be the ref. It don’t matter. We’re still going to win. In fact, we’re so confident, we’ve designed uniforms for both teams.

*Lavar reveals the uniforms. His team wears the BBB logo and has Lavar’s smiling face everywhere. The Toon’s uniforms are ugly mustard yellow plaid and have loser written on both sides. It featues the crying Jordan meme.*

Lavar: Each team also receives a complimentary pair of Big Baller Brand shoes. All for the low price of $759.99.

Bugs: I thought you said it was complimentary?

Lavar: It’s a compliment I’m even offering you my products.

Daffy: I can’t afford that.

Lavar: Then you’re not a Big Baller.

Bugs: Tell you what, why don’t you guys wear that and we’ll wear the uniforms that worked for us?

Lavar: Fine, be ungrateful! We’ll show you on the court tonight!

*The Toons leave*

Lavar: Lonzo! You’re covering the cost of their uniforms. It’s $12K.

Lonzo: C’mon. I had to pay $11K for ours!

Lavar: And put on the shoes!

Lonzo: They make me feet hurt.

Lavar: What part of that effects me?

*Scene – INT. Loccker Room. As the Toon Squad gets dressed, Lola has a problem*

Lola: Bugs, can we talk?

Bugs: What’s up?

Lola: Did you have anything to do with altering my uniform?

Bugs: Altering how?

Lola: It barely fits.

*Lola’s uniform is significantly shorter and tighter than the other players*

Bugs: I ordered you a medium.

Lola: Well it fits like a child’s small.

*Suddenly, Yosemite Sam is heard laughing*

Sam: I love a woman in uniform. And I love one out of uniform even more.

Lola: Oh really?

*As the scene fades out and Lola walks away with better fitting clothes, Yosemite Sam is shown shoved in a locker. His arm and mustache dangle on the outside.

Draymond: I think we should start that little Mustatched guy. His gun could come in handy.

Lola: He’s going to be late for the game.

*Scene Int – Court. Swackhammer goes to talk to Bugs before the game*

Swackhammer: You.

Bugs: Me?

Swackhammer: I’ve waited 20 years to get my revenge on you.

Lavar: What are you doing, Ugly?

*Lavar enters and gets inbetween Bugs and Swackhammer*

Lavar: Who told you to leave the bench?

Swackhammer: I just wanted to…

Lavar: You want to go back to that loser planet where you belong? Sit your butt down before I make you sit down.

*Swackhammer exits while Draymond enters*

Draymond: Hey, I never actually got to see you in person. You’re way fatter than I expected.

Lavar: Do you know who I am?

Draymond: Sure do. Are you playing? I have a few elbows and knees waiting for you.

Lavar: Me? Lower myself to your level? That’s why I have my children play for me.

Draymond: That’s a real man. Hiding behind his awful kids.

Lavar: We’ll see what you say at the end of the game, Carmelo.

*Lavar Leaves*

Bugs: Smooth job there Draymond.

Draymond: Does he think I’m Carmelo?

Marvin: Places everyone. We’re about to start the game.

*Draymond Lines up for the jump against Metta World Peace*

Draymond: I thought you were in the crazy house.

Peace: No. I’ve been out for at least a week.

*During the tip off, Draymond knees Peace in the stomach, giving the team’s the advantage.*

Draymond: You’ll be in the hospital soon.

*Draymond finds a cutting Lola for an easy backet*

Draymond: This is going to be easy!

*A montage woud begin of both teams bricking shots consatnly. LiAngelo and LaMelo brick shot after shot, barely hitting the rim on most attempts. For the Toon Squad, without Michael Jordan, the team struggles for offense. Lola is double teamed, leaving most of the offense to Draymond contested 3s, Sylvester taking inefficient mid range jump shots, and a Speedy Gonzales isolation that Metta World Peace blocked, nearly bouncing the ball off the mouse’s head. The horn for the first quarter goes off and the score is still 2-0*

*Scene- Int. The Toon Squad are frustrated*

Bugs: Ehh, Draymond. You are an NBA player right.

Draymond: I’m a Two Time All Star

Bugs: You’re not really much of a shooter.

Draymond: I’m a defensive player. I work hard every night. You telling me that’s not good enough for you? That cat was bricking shots left and right and couldn’t stay infron tof a wall.

Sylvester: Well those passes you gave me were awful!

Draymond: You wanna go right now?

Sylvester: Suffering Succotash Bugs. Can’t we get LeBron?

Draymond: LeBron! LeBron!! I’ll gut you!

Bugs: Calm down everyone. We need to be working as a team.

*A locker hops on into the scene*

Sam: Tarnation! Can’t we all just get along?

Draymond: Alright, but that cat better start hitting some jumpers.

*Scene Int – In the other huddle*

Lavar: Arenas, how did you ever earn a contract. Peace, how about you start scoring. My boys are giving everything they have.

Arenas: Your boys are pathetic.

Lavar: Your on thin ice! Lono, stop playing with these cartoons and show them what the balls can do.

Lonzo: Alright, but my feet still hurt.

Lavar: It’s going to hurt worse when you run laps for the next 35 months if we lose.

*Scene Int – Quarter 2 begins.  Lonzo gets the ball and after being inspired by his father, drives by Daffy, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd and Wile E. Coyote. He goes for a layup but gets blocked by Draymond, who begins to bark like a dog. Bugs gets the ball and scores.

On the next play, Lonzo begins to wind up an open 3 pointer. Unfortunately, it takes him nearly 3 seconds to get off his shot. Draymond again blocks the shot. This time he goes coast to coast.

On the following play, Lonzo somehow still has the green light and shoots again, but misses everything. The ball sails out of bounce, right to Rasheed Wallace, who throws it back in.*

Wallace: Ball don’t lie!

Arenas: Maybe you should stop shooting, bust.

Lonzo: Alright fine. I won’t shoot anymore.

Arenas: Good. Maybe we can actually win this game then. *Pushes Lonzo*

*On the next toon possession, Ta is called for several personal fouls and multiple travels. Lonzo brings up the ball and dribbles right to the hoop, but since he refuses to shoot, he passes the ball to LaMelo who misses by 18 feet

In an act of rebellion, Draymond tries a Steph Curry heat check, missing by a mile. The crowd begins to boo as Draymond tries to hype the crowd.

On the next possession, Gilbert Arenas takes and hits a 3*

Arenas: Hibachi!

*Arenas then gets in Lonzo’s face.*

Arenas: See that? That’s how you play the game.

Lonzo: I mean, it’s 6-3.

Arenas: All because of you.

Lonzo: Man, calm down.

Peace: Friends, don’t fight with each other. We need to come together as a cohesive unit.

*While they talk, Lola runs by them and dunks*

Wallace: *From the Crowd* Give peace a chance boys.

Peace: What did you say to me?

Wallace: It’s just a joke.

Peace: I’m going to hang you from the rafters in your jersey.

*Peace jumps into the stands and begins punching Wallace repeatedly. The crowd boos as more brawls  break out, mostly between former Jailblazers. Lonzo walks back to the bench, avoiding helping out a single teammate, including his own brothers.*

Draymond: I want to get in on that!

Bugs: Draymond, stay where you are. We might win by default.

Draymond: Aww man.

*Peace tries to return to the court, but gets hit by Jermaine O’Neal’s sliding punch. He’s out cold for a few seconds but gets back up*

Peace: Let’s finish the half.

Marvin: I’m pretty sure you suffered head trauma.

Peace: I think you’ll find there’s nothing there to damage.

Marvin: Ok fine, but I didn’t bother to stop the clock. There’s only 3 earth seconds left in the half.

Arenas: Hibachi!

*Arenas hits another 3 at the buzzer, making the game 8-6 at half*

Swackhammer: This is the worst event I’ve ever watched. And they only show me the Kardashian’s in prison.

*Scene Int – Lavar addresses his team in the locker room*

Lavar: You failures are costing us the game. I can’t believe they pay you to play basketball. You obviously don’t know the game.

Arenas: Tell that to your kids. They haven’t hit a shot.

Lavar: My Kids are playing their hearts out. They’re winners. They’re Balls. I’m undefeated. Never lost. I’m out going down because you can’t pull your weight.

Arenas: I’m the only one with points.

Lavar: Because my kids are doing all the work getting you open! I get World Peace over here not able to knock out one washed up player.

Peace: It was a good fight. We found out inner peace.

Lavar: And you Arenas, are embarrassing the entire NBA!

Arenas: I haven’t played in the NBA in years.

Lavar: And it shows. If you don’t start shaping up, I’m going to pistol whip you until you start playing better.

Arenas: Oh yeah?

*Arenas goes to his locker and pulls out a box filled with guns and dumps it on the table*

Arenas: Pick one.

Lavar *Unfazed* I’ll pick the biggest one because I’m a baller. I’ll have a duel with you at dawn and win. I shot the apple straight off of William Tell’s head.

Arenas: You’re a loon.

Lavar: No I’m not, but I wish I was cause then I’d be winning. Now everybody put your hands in on three.

Lonzo: What are we chanting?

Lavar: What do you think? 1…2….3 Ball Baller Brand!

*Scene Int – Court. A montage begins of more and more missed shots, turnovers and Draymond screams. The only basket is a Gilbert Arenas contested mid-range shot which ties the game at 8.

Then, on an inbounds pass, Porky Pig overthrows Bugs by ten feet, into the arms of Metta World Peace. Peace drives to the basket and clangs a shot off the backboard. It hits off of Porky, who is now inbounds and it bounces off his head, through the net to give the Balls the lead.

Lavar: Great job out there Lonzo!

Peace I’m the one who scored though.

Lavar: Thanks to my kid.

Bugs: Time out.

*The team goes to the bench. The scoreboard shows there’s only 30 seconds left*

Porky: What are we going to do Bugs?

Draymond: We should get the ball to me.

Bugs: I mean we could… but we could also try to win.

Daffy: Well we need a play.

Tweety: I have one. You just have to put me in.

Draymond: No offense, but you’re like 8 inches tall. What can you do?

Bugs: What do we have to lose?

Daffy: The game.

Bugs: Daff, why don’t you take a seat and let Tweety give it a shot.

*The team goes back on the court. Bugs inbounds the ball to Tweety, who begins to fly up and then drops the ball in the basket.*

Lavar: Come on ref, where’s the foul!

Marvin: I see no violation with the rules.

LeBron: *Stands up from the stands* I didn’t see a crab dribble. That’s a walk!

Tweety: But I didn’t need to dribble. I didn’t take any steps.

LeBron: Kick him out! Come on ref!

*The crowd starts booing, but it’s unclear if it’s at Tweety or at LeBron*

Bugs: Great shot Tweety, but we got to take you out for defense.

Tweety: I don’t see how that’s fair.

*On the other side, Lavar is drawing up a play*

Lavar: Alright Arenas, it’s about time somebody shows you how to do things. Your out.

Arenas: We only have five guys.

Lavar: We got 6, and 5 of them are going on the court. Step aside junion.

*Lavar reveals he had a jersey on underneath his Big Baller hoodie.*

Lavar: Here’s the plan. You all run a wall of screens and let me shoot it.

LiAngelo: Are you sure you don’t want me to shoot it?

Lavar: As sure as I want to put you up for adoption.

*Scene – Int. Court. The play occurs just as driven up. Peace inbounds as the Ball children make an illegal moving screen that isn’t called. Lavar catches the ball with plenty of room in front of him.*

Lavar: It’s OVAH!

*Lavar’s winds up his jump shot, which looks like a 4 year about to heave the ball over his head.*

Draymond: Not if I can stop it.

*Draymond runs to Lavar, looking like he’ll block the shot. Instead, he pulls back his leg and kicks Lavar directly in the balls as hard as he could. Lavar crumples over in pain as Draymond raises his hands in triumph*

Draymond: I did it!

LeBron: This is ridiculous! Somebody suspend him!

Marvin: No, I think that was an accident.

*Marvin puts a $100 bill in his pocket and Draymond winks at him*

Marvin: But, it is a foul on the floor. Lavar gets to shoot if he’s capable.

Lavar: * High pitch* No I can’t shoot.

Marvin: Then you can pick a substitute shooter.

Lavar: LaMelo, I need you to do this.

LaMelo: Me?

Lavar: Well I sure ain’t picking LiAngelo. I believe in you son.

LaMelo: I won’t let you down.

*LaMelo heads to the line. He lines up and shoots. The ball hits the bottom of the backboard, ricocheting and nearly killing the Granny.*

LaMelo: Oh man. That was close.

Lavar: Your mother doesn’t love you anymore.

*Scene Int – Toon Squad Bench.  The clock reads 3 seconds*

Bugs: Ok guys, I think I have a play.

Draymond: Do I get to kick Lavar in the balls again? That was fun.

Bugs: No. What we’re going to do is inbound the ball to me. Lola will set a pick, and we’ll take it from there. Draymond, Porky, and Tweety, you’re in. If things get a little hairy, Tweety, you’re the safety valve.

Tweety: Oh boy! I’m going to help win the game!

Foghorn: I say there Bugs, how about you let me take that last shot. I have more range than an organic chicken.

Bugs: That’s a morbid example.

Foghorn: I’m just saying, why not let me get in there? I reckon I can help

*The horn sounds*

Bugs: Foghorn, I don’t think this is the best time for you to get in the game.

Foghorn: *Follows Bugs on the court* Come on son. I say, I say, be a pal.

Bugs: Why are you on the court?

*Marvin the Martian hands the ball to Porky*

Marvin: Commence the game.

Bugs: Oh no.

Tweety *Flies to the bench* What a jip!

Lavar: Cover the rabbits! The rest of them can’t do anything.

Arenas: They have an NBA player.

Lavar: Barely!

*Bugs and Lola are double teamed. Draymond stands all alone right underneath the basket. However, Porky instead throws the ball to a covered Foghorn Leghorn. Leghorn has no room and barely makes a move, and then chucks the ball up, which banked off the middle of the backboard and falls in*

Foghorn: What did I tell you? I reckon I should have gotten the ball more.

*The Toons crowd around Forghorn Leghorn to celebrate the victory. Tweety is still mad*

Tweety: I would have made it too.

*The crowd begins to celebrate too. The Toons assume it’s for their victory, but then the crowd chants with gee “No OT… NO OT!”*

Daffy: Everybody’s a critic.

*As the Toon Squad celebrates with little fanfare, a furious Swackhammer confronts Lavar who is seen laughing it up with Nick Young*

Swackhammer: YOU!

Lavar: Watch who your talking to. You’re talking to the champ.

Swackhammer: Champ? All I see is a loser!

Lavar: You best be looking at a mirror, boy…

Swackhammer: You promised me a victory. You prmised me your boys were the best.

Lavar: I never said anything about LiAngelo.

Swackhammer: And you said you were beter than Jordan. You couldn’t lick his boots.

Lavar: You’re right. He’d be too busy licking mine.

Swackhammer: How can you be so smug? We’ve been embarrassed. We lost.

Lavar: How many times do I have to tell you alien. I’m undefeated. Never lost.

Swackhammer: Look at the scoreboard!

Lavar: You don’t see the big picture. I took in all the profits here tonight. Every soda brought, every hot dog ate, every peanut cracked. Plus the game went exactly as planned.

Swackhammer: We LOST YOU IDIOT!

Lavar: Not according to my bookie.

Swackhammer: What?!

Lavar: Don’t you know how to gamble? I bet half the profit on the Toon Swuad winning, and have on my boys covering the spread, which was 2.5. I won both bets. I’ve made million. Big Baller Brand is going to expand all over. What’s the planet your from? Moron Mountain? I’m going to buy that and make it  Big Baller Space Headquarters. I told you my boys were cosmic stars. They did exactly what I told them to do and now I’m rich.

*Swackhammer’s jaw just dropped. Tim Donaghy walks in with several betting tickets*

Donaghy: The tickets hit boss! You’re rich!

Lavar: Kiss the rings! I’m a bigger icon than I thought! I’m…

*Draymond enters the scene and kicks Lavar directly in the balls again. Lavar crumples in a heap.*

Draymond: Hey weird alien dude, you want a free shot on him? It’ll make you feel better.

Swackhammer: No, I don’t think so.

*He turns to walk away. Moments later he reenters, rubbing his fist.*

Swackhammer: On second thought…

*Swackhammer has a huge ring on his finger*

Swackhammer: Maybe he can kiss this ring.

*FIN*