Snow – Mother Nature’s Revenge or The Florida Cesspool is Looking Better and Better

This is going to be one of those rare blogs where I actually stay on topic while I write it. I know, it’s weird and I don’t like it. Don’t expect this to be new normal. We’ll be back in a few days with a typical rambling, nonsensical post.

This doesn’t mean this post isn’t nonsensical, of course.

As a child, I remember being memorized by snow. Even living in the northeast, a snowfall always felt special. Not only did it create a beautiful, picturesque scene, it meant there was no school. This was the real reason we all loved snow – no teachers, no homework, and a day off to do whatever we wanted. Now, the wiser kids out there used this day to sleep in, play some video games and not even remotely walk outside. However for the dumber kids out there, kids like me, a day off from school due to inclement weather led to a day of playing in subzero temperatures.

Probably my favorite snow activity was sledding. There were a few local hills we could go down and get a decent ride, the most commonly used one right by Lil’ Jon’s house. Now technically, this hill started right next to a highway. And sure, technically this was very dangerous, as the Hill was small, but at nearly a 90 degree angle. Looking back on this, sledding was a vaguely disguised death trap. However, it was a lot of fun. All you needed was a couple of inches of snow and you had hours of entertainment. You also had tons of wet clothes, several injuries and a future case of the flu, but take the good with the bad.

Another favorite snow activity was the snowball fight. The secret to the perfect snowball was to not care of the future of your hands. Gloves did nothing but ruin the precision of rolling the perfect weapon. You really had to get your bare hands in the snow to make the perfect throwing sphere, about the size of the baseball. The snow needed a bit of moisture, but not too much. You also didn’t want it to be too icy, not in fear of hurting someone, but in fear of being punished for hurting someone.  Some snowball fights were actually teams going at each other, but we all know the best time for a snowball fight was a surprise assault on an unexpecting victim. It was good form to pre roll about a dozen pre made snowballs and fire rapidly. That way, you got your kicks and could run inside and hide from retaliation until the snow melted.

I never built a snowman myself (true story), but I could imagine it being a good time. Getting to hide the carrot you didn’t want to eat as a nose is a great strategy. Plus, it saves room for extra dessert. I didn’t even mind shoveling. It let me spend time with my dad, who remains a perfectionist. If we didn’t clear every spec of snow from our corner house, it meant we weren’t done. Often, I wanted to use the stored snowballs on him. Still, it felt good to do some hard work especially when the reward for the effort the privilege to almost kill yourself riding down a hill.

So yes, as a kid, I can understand enjoying the snow. And if you’re a teacher, I get it. Snow days means days away from the snot nosed little bastards who you’re supposed to teach. Those savages care more about firing spit balls and pulling pigtails then they ever will about fractions. Or you know, whatever kids are into these days. Emojis and being spoiled?

And yes, I can accept the dusting of snow on Christmas to tie of the season. It’s textbook, it’s cliché, but it’s very nice.

But if you’re in the workforce and not a teacher, and say you love the snow, you’re a God damned moron and need to check yourself into an institution. You shouldn’t be allowed to breed, and if you did, please do the right thing and give those children to a close, snow fearing relative that has the brain power to raise them. If any of you reading this think “Gee, I like the snow”, let me know, so I block you from my phone. I’m not going to waste my time on delusional idiots.

Let me put this in the simplest terms I can – damn the snow. Damn it right to Hell. That way it can melt and we can be done with it.

I’m going to list the reasons snow is the worst weather we have on a regular basis. I’m not going to say it’s worse than a hurricane, or a flood, or anything truly awful, but compared to most days, a snow storm is incredibly brutal. Even in the worst conditions, it wouldn’t be so bad, if not for the idiocy of people. I shouldn’t be surprised, some of them probably like the snow.

1). It’s cold – Ok, I’m not starting with the most cerebral of reasons, but this is a big one. I’ve always believed that the temperature tends to feel warmer with a snow flurry than it would without. I stand by this being fact. However during a snow storm, there is no colder weather on Earth. You’re not just dealing with the falling flakes, you’re also dealing with the wind, typically at extreme temperature. The wind chill can easily lower below 0. The wind in storms makes no sense. No matter what direction you are walking, the wind will blow in your face, nearly blinding you as you walk aimlessly to wherever you’re going. When you consider the other issues that follow on this list, that blindness will be much more impactful.

2). Winter Wear – Anyone with half a brain will tell you that the winter wardrobe is the worst of all the season’s. If you have to go out in a blustering storm, you’re going to have to bundle up. There are two rules of thumb for this weather. Either you wear an extremely large coat like I do, or you wear half of your closet in an effort to keep warm. No matter which you choose, comfort is all but lost. Sure, you’ll be slightly warmer, but your face is still exposed to the wind, the flakes, and the sheer freezing temperatures taunting you for leaving your cozy bed. Movement is also an issue, as it’ll be difficult to lower your arms. Ralphie’s younger brother in the Christmas Story didn’t show us that for a laugh; this was a public service announcement on the dangers of winter wear. If you laughed at his pain, shame on you.

It’s all fun and games until you have to pee

The suckitude doesn’t stop with coats though. Oh no, walking out with just a coat is asking for swift frostbite, and the likely removal of several fingers and toes. The winter hat is a key accessory and it’s the only part of winter garb I can tolerate. Winter hats cover your ears and trap all the heat around your head as possible The old wives’ tale is that you lose 99% of your heat through your head, but that’s not true*¹. Many winter hats do look terrible, being a bit too big to not fold over the brim, but not long enough to fold the brim in any appealing way. You will look bad wearing a winter hat, but your ears won’t have icicles.

As a fun fashion statement, winter hats often have balls on the top, which makes you look like a present. Whatever these may be called – A poof ball, a hat puff, or a poof puff, who doesn’t want to look like a present? Be very careful with fellow winter travelers poof puffs. Never touch one without permission. Grabbing a poof puff without content in called the Winter Weinstein and will have repercussions.

Also, if you decide to adopt the phrase “poof puff” make sure on-lookers know you are referring to the Winter Hat. Others may confuse it for a certain female body part. This confusion is called pulling a Winter Sandor Clegame.

You don’t want to mess with a Winter Clegame

Not nearly as fun are the other traditional winter accessories. Scarves of basically the snakes of the clothing world – too tight and they will suffocate you, but too loose and they have no effect. I don’t think the minor amount of neck warmth a scarf provides is worth the effort, or the look. I’ll save scarves for the good guys in Hallmark Movies**². These are a hard pass for me.

Gloves are truly the invention of a person who despises people. You cannot grip anything with gloves on, whether it be a steering wheel, commuter pass, or fancy nine dollar latte. In recent years, manufactures have tried to design gloves with the modern person in mind, but instead, it’s used so people can take selfies of themselves catching hypothermia easier. Whether you use standard gloves or special grip ones, know that you will lose at least one of the two within three uses. If you must wear gloves, I recommend buying two pair of the same kind. That way, when you use a glove from each set, you should have a remaining pair. Hopefully you use one left or one right glove, or else it’s going to be an awkward fit.

There’s a special hell for whoever invented boots. The only thing less comfortable than boots is a sword in the eye. Honestly, I might choose the sword. No pair of boots has ever fit a foot properly. I believe they are cut in a way that bends opposite of the natural flexibility of feet. Prepare for sore soles, cramped toes, and cut up heels when you put these things on.

As much as I hate these articles of clothing, I understand their necessity. Yet during every snow storm, there are thousands of people poorly dressed. People walk around in just one sweatshirt, or shorts and don’t understand while they’re struggling. During the most recent snow storm, I saw two women trying to run in heels. Heels in the snow? Amazingly, I didn’t see them snap their necks, but I’m sure it was only a matter of time. It’s as if these people spit in the face of Mother Nature and tells her to do her worst.

Oh, and she did when she invented commuting.

Commuting and Driving – Unfortunately, not all of us can be students or teachers. We’re forced to commute into work as normal, and this becomes a significant problem. First of all, most people work from home or choose not to go in during storms. This is great if you have the option but most people work for cold, uncaring companies who would sooner squeeze the life out of you than show an ounce of compassion.

If you have the capability to work from home, always do it during a storm. Bosses will frown on this decision, but remember, most bosses are lazy sacks of shit. There are so lazy in fact, that their shit sack is rarely tied. This poor analogy means their plans for a snow storm are often obvious – and it stinks. They will always plan to work from home, or leave early. Knowing this, you can trick your bosses by working from home and pretending you were in the office. Theoretically, this could backfire if your boss shows up, but…

I’m sorry, I couldn’t finish that paragraph as I was laughing too hard. You’ll be fine working from home. Sadly, many of us do not have such a luxury and have to trek through the frozen tundra.

Commuting on any train or rail system is always a gamble. Typically they will run, albeit slowly, and even above ground trains can be relied on. However, it only takes a quick change in the weather to shut down any and all rail systems. It’s a cruel dance of leaving work early, or being stranded. Good luck explaining to your boss your commute time may triple; bosses assume everybody lives in a penthouse above the office floor as they do.

If you take a bus, you’re screwed. I’m not even talking about the snow. I just mean in general. Good luck with that.

To ensure you’ll have any possibility of making it to work on time, you’ll have to leave very early. You’ll see empty trains or buses and feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness. That’s to be expected. Your instinct is to go play in the snow. Your body screams at you to chunk snowballs as your neighbors and crash your sled into a pile on thorny bushes. But you can’t do these things Instead, you need to trek into work and ultimately get snowed in your office because all the public transportation shut down. This is likely the company’s plan. You’ll have no choice to be productive when you live in your cubical.

Even sleep under a desk before? Snow Storms are a great way to start.

Driving in the snow is chaotic. The success of your driving depends completely on the diligence of the city and state plowing the roads appropriately. In some areas, this won’t be a problem. In others, an act of God will be needed to either protect all drivers, or clear the roads. Still, no matter how good of driver you may be, people are maniacal on the roads. Nobody drives sanely in inclement weather. You’ll either have people doing 95, confused why people aren’t keeping pace as they change lanes three times in a city block, or those who go 15 miles under the speed limit to play it safe. Both are equally dangerous. I can’t recommend avoiding driving all together. Just being in a car when it’s snowing is a bad choice. Ever Uber in a snow storm? No you haven’t, because if you did, you’d be dead.

Going to the Store – If you ever needed proof that mankind are morons, it’s this. Every threat of a winter storms comes with warnings from the major media outlets. The next storm might only be predicted to have two inches, but there’s a chance it could be THE WORST STORM IN HISTORY. People immediately panic, and floor stores, buying canned food, water and batteries in an alarming rate. The shelves are barren as panicked shoppers buy ever last nonperishable item. I wonder if the news outlets get kick back on the grocery store profits. It would all make sense.

Have you ever been to the grocery store right before a storm? It’s like the Four Horsemen Touched down on Earth and are punishing the wicked. It’s chaos. There are hands grabbing items everywhere. If you get trapped in the wrong aisle, you might not be able to leave for fifteen minutes, sandwiches between carts. The nonperishable items could be marked up to 17 dollars a can, and people would gleefully pay for 20 of them. Sometimes, the chaos makes you forget what you mean to buy. During the last storm, I saw a parent accidentally purchase her own child. She only cost $4.95 (a bargain).

If they’re selling babies, I don’t want to know what’s in the Krusty O’s

Yes, I understand that if a storm hits us hard, we’ll have trouble getting shipments of food… for like a handful of days at most. This isn’t the 1800s were bad weather could ruin a year of crops. More food is coming. You do not need to buy 60 gallons of water and 300 days’ worth of creamed corn because we’re getting half a foot of snow.  It’s not that serious. This particularly makes me mad when I go to the store a day or two after the rush, you know, when the storm is over and everything is completely clear and fine, and can’t get the items I need. I outright refuse to go near any retail store the day before a storm. I will not be trampled to death because I wanted to have some salmon for dinner.

Lack of Shoveling – You really want to see my blood boil? Fine, let’s go.

Every storm, people in my city do not shovel. I don’t mean they don’t shovel well. They do NOT shovel. I’m pretty sure that’s against city and state laws, but fine. The problem here is unless the snow melts fairly quickly, this is going to become solid ice sheets that won’t go away. Walking anywhere, including to and from work, is risking life and death. People are already driving too fast, too furious; now I have to choose between walking on the sidewalk and cracking my skull, or getting sideswiped by a 93-year-old driving a Prius.

I understand shoveling isn’t easy for everyone, but there’s ways to get this done. People can ask for help. They can pay high school kids who have nothing better to do to shovel out the sidewalks. I’m not asking for an immaculate sidewalk like my dad. I just want to walk in my city without sliding 40 feet.

See, I’m not the nimblest on ice. In fact, I slip pretty regularly***³.If I have to be out in this miserable weather, I don’t need another obstacle getting in my way. They could make commuting in the snow part of the Winter Olympics and nobody would be disappointed. It’s definitely better than the Bi-Athlon event. Come on people, think of the women in heels.

Looking back, I think the biggest probably with snowstorms is people. Hell, if companies respected people’s safety and allowed them to stay home, travel dangers would be reduced. If citizens didn’t panic purchase every last cantaloupe when there’s a threat of three flakes, things would be calmer. If people didn’t drive on icy roads other than emergencies, the streets would be safe. And if people would pick up their damn shovels instead of being lazy, maybe I could walk down the block without feeling like a need skates and a helmet.

So basically, people suck. I guess this could have been a significantly shorter blog.

1. *This only applied to people who speak a lot of hot air.
2. **Watch a hallmark movie that takes place around Christmas (so all of them) and note who has a scarf and who doesn’t. All wearing a scarf are the good people, and those lacking scarves are evil. This never fails. If somebody seems good without a scarf, they will betray the lead in the 2^nd act without fail.
3. ***I don’t fall though. I have a tad bit of coordination still.