Pumpkin, Pumpkin Spice and Lattes – The Trifecta of Mediocrity or The Great Pumpkin Conspiracy Revealed

Bloggin Hood’s food takes are heralded throughout the world. The people can’t get enough. This blog bravely exposed pizza as an OK, passable food. We tackled Thanksgiving side dishes, allowing people to realize mashed potatoes, are in fact, overrated goop.

I feel like I’ve lost over half the readers already. We can all agree baby corn is an abomination, right? OK, we have that in common. We’re rebuilding trust.

Today, I have another food take so spicy, you’ll need a glass of milk on hand. But before we get into the main event – pumpkin spice – we need to talk about pumpkins, the symbolic vegetable of the fall.

Pumpkins own the Fall. By now, you’ve seen the increase of these little bastards at any food store worth their salt. Don’t get me wrong – I understand part of this popularity. People love these things for Halloween décor. Pumpkins are the go to craft canvas for children and adults alike in October. It’s harmless, good fun. I have no objection here. Believe it or not, I’m not the fun police, looking to break up a wholesome time. My issue is what we use the rest of the pumpkin for.

You ever notice how nobody really eats pumpkin straight up? Honestly, when I started preparing this blog, pumpkin struck me as an art supply and not a vegetable. Nobody sits down and eats sautéed pumpkin as a side dish. Hell, during Halloween, AKA Pumpkin’s Christmas, people eat thousands of products shaped like a pumpkin, but not pumpkin itself. At Thanksgiving, the symbolic finale of Fall before we transition to Christmas* ¹ , it doesn’t make the dinner table (Keep calm pumpkin pie fans. Desserts don’t count as part of the dinner table, unless you’re family believes in chaos.). Hell, there’s other gourds, typically butternut or acorn squash that make it. I like squash, but how does no one make a side dish out of the signature vegetable of the Fall? That’s concerning.

Pumpkin’s culinary value is as a mix in to recipes. Rather than star in their own side dish, pumpkins are thrown in to various recipes to make it fall themed. I get it. If we’re going to carve the suckers, we should use those innards somehow. It’s resourceful. I commend people for not wasting food when carving. But seriously, each pumpkin use in the kitchen is a horrific choice. There’s always a significantly better option. Always.

1. Pumpkin Seeds – If you carve a pumpkin and save the seeds, congratulations. You’re using about 3% of the vegetable. Some people swear by roasting these and having them as a snack. That sounds like a lot of work to snack on seeds, but I guess it works. You can buy Pumpkin seeds at the store as well, but if you’re going prepackaged, wouldn’t you buy something better, like peanuts? Nobody is picking pumpkin seeds as their first choice.
2. Baking – Some people use the pumpkin as a baking ingredient. Things like pumpkin bread, bars and even cookies are popular recipes during the Fall season. Again, resourceful, and I appreciate that. But who was the genius that thought adding vegetables in desserts and bread was smart? The idea, sneak some veggies into food people like, is decent but flawed. Do people think this makes the food healthier? No, it does not. And let’s face it, people don’t like how pumpkin itself tastes. By using pumpkin is baking, you’re taking a half measure. You create the illusion of health, without any of the benefits. Basically, you’re adding a half serving of vegetables to the 8 cookies or half of loaf of bread you consumed. That’s not a net positive people. Like Mike from Breaking Bad told us – no half measures. Either eat good, or have a cheat meal. Also, I’m pretty sure most bakers are using canned pumpkin instead of their leftovers from carving. Let’s be honest. And if you’re not re-purposing, why would you use pumpkin in baking? People are choosing this? Chocolate chip cookies exist, and guess what, they don’t contain vegetables. We’ve evolved past this.
3. Pie – Ok people. Here’s where everyone points out pumpkin is part of the Thanksgiving meal. I know plenty of people who swear by this. Now, I’ve had pumpkin pie, and it’s pretty good. But you know what’s better? Basically every other pie in existence. There are fruit pies. Fruit, is, you know, actually sweet and made for desserts. Pumpkin are not. Yet every year, millions choose to use this ingredient, instead of the dozens of options that takes good. I didn’t understand, but fortunately for you all, Bloggin Hood is a man about answers, not questions.

My first, obvious theory, was pumpkin farmers conspired together to make bank. These traditional snake oil salesmen were growing pumpkins and couldn’t sell them. So after they fooled the masses into carving the things for Halloween, they managed to double their profits by saying the vegetables were great for desserts. It’s the perfect crime. Ask your local farmer about the Great Pumpkin Conspiracy and watch them blush and run out of the room. I’m on to you farmers. When I can link this to Daylights Savings Time, you’re all screwed.

The second, and actually plausible theory is America’s obsession’s with Pumpkin Spice. It’s obvious. Nobody likes pumpkin, but people love the spice blend. Countless people love the Fall in part to eat and drink copious amounts of things with Pumpkin Spice. This blend finds itself in pies, breads, cookies and plenty of things that don’t contain pumpkin, most famously the latte. How in the world is this “Pumpkin Spice?” Lattes don’t have Pumpkin in it. Trust me, I researched for like 8 minutes. Something isn’t adding up here. The farmers are definitely still in on it.

Pumpkin Spice is a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves, at least from the recipes I’ve seen. It appears allspice is also an option, and I’m sure there are hundreds of variations. It’s a combination of warming, with a hint of sweetness that suits the Fall. I can see the appeal of the combination.

This is why people enjoy pumpkin desserts and baked goods. Nobody gives a shit about the pumpkin – it’s an agent for the flavoring. I have no idea how Pumpkin got itself attached to any spice. It’s a bland, mushy vegetable, that, through branding, sounds trendy. Most people don’t bother with the Pumpkin; they go straight for the spice. We can’t change the name of this to something like Fall spice? This is the best for all parties and keeps mediocre pumpkin out of the mix. Unless the famers don’t allow it…

And you scoffed at the Great Pumpkin Conspiracy earlier. I’m on to you.

Now, I don’t have a problem with Pumpkin Spice, other than my trouble with the name. It’s a solid blend of spices. My issue is, just like with Pumpkin itself, there is always a superior option than this spice combination. There’s no choice where the best option is Pumpkin Spice. By choosing it as your flavoring, you’re not making the optimal decision.

Based on consumer trends, and my social media feed, I’m in the minority here. People, love Pumpkin Spice, to the point where it feels cultist, or at the very last, cult adjacent. I’m taking a big risk here. You’ve seen the line at your local coffee shops. People can’t get enough of this stuff. We all know the stereotype – suburban women between the ages of 18-49 inject Pumpkin Spice Lattes into their veins. While this may be true, injections included, Pumpkin Spice obsession isn’t limited to one age group, race, or gender. No, I’ve seen people of all creeds and beliefs swear by the stuff. I know several guys who can’t get enough. So don’t think these critique is only for women; it’s for all of you, mainly the people ahead of me in line at Dunkin’.

There’s levels to fandom. Some people enjoy the occasional Pumpkin Spice flavored food or drink. Others prefer it to everything else. Then, there’s the cult members. Allow me to make a comparison that won’t make any sense. I’d say you can leave the page, but if you got this far, be honest. You’re in it for the long haul.

The Grateful Dead have fans, huge fans, and then the top level of fandom – the Dead Heads. These people travel across the country, if not the world, attending as many Dead concerts as possible. They seem to exist only for the band. This personality becomes, more or less, “I like the Grateful Dead”. They also tend to smell like a certain herb that isn’t in Pumpkin Spice, but I digress.

Likewise, the biggest fans of Pumpkin Spice love it to the point of obsession. It becomes who they are. Days are segmented into going for a Pumpkin Spiced Latte, drinking said beverage, and planning on when to get the next one. There are constant social media posts showing they’re having it (Wow, never would have guessed @PSLBecky1988) and always seem to talk about it. They enjoy trying the gross multitude of pumpkin spiced products out there. Somewhere out there, a Pumpkin Spiced Junkie is snorting a line of the McCormick Brand before leaving his or her home, awaiting their next fix. It’s a tragedy.

Look, if you enjoy the Grateful Dead and Pumpkin spice, more power to you. But if your obsessed with the spice, I’m here to help. If you’re obsessed with the Grateful Dead, you’re reading the wrong blog. I don’t know how you got here, honestly. I can’t see these two fan bases crossing too often.

The leading Pumpkin Spice product is no longer pie. This is obvious. Now the dominant product is the PSL, the Pumpkin Spice Latte. In recent years, the flavoring has expanded to other drinks, but we’ll focus on the Latte. If you regularly get coffee from a nationwide chain, you began seeing the signs hyping the recent for months. Coffee companies rack up millions as the Pumpkin Spice Latte fiends crowd their stores, social distancing be damned. I have “COVID-19 Outbreak due to long line at Starbucks” being one of the most likely headlines of this month. I put it at 3/1.

My biggest issue here isn’t even the spice choice. It’s drinking a latte. Look, if you need caffeine, drink the beverages as intended – straight. Coffee isn’t coffee when mixed with 18 sugars, half and half, and 4 different flavoring agents. That’s liquid diabetes. Likewise, tea is flavoring water. It, itself doesn’t need additional flavors. If you want a mix of stuff, go to the checkout aisle of a rite aid and stock up on candy. It’s probably better for you than the coffee flavoring anyway.

A latte is steamed milk combined with espresso. That sounds like a nightmare to begin with. Warmed milk? What are we, cats**²? Foam Milk, which I’m not sure qualifies as a solid, liquid, or gas, tops the concoction. You can flavor these in many ways, but Pumpkin Spice is the most famous. We went from jazzing up pies with this spice blend, to whatever this is. I’m more confused now than before I wrote this paragraph.

You know, if people just ripped a shot of espresso, they’ve save about 300 calories and not have to drink multiple forms of warmed milk. Seriously, why are we drinking both steam and formed milk?

The PSL crew doesn’t care. They unhinge their jaws, guzzling gallons of spiced foam milk and love every second of it. They pack the stores adding a photo of the drink to the ‘Gram with pride. Why? You didn’t make the thing. You paid 8 dollars for a shake of spice and two different states of liquid that may or may not have come out of an almond. Can’t a honest blogger get his black like his soul coffee and be about his day instead of waiting on line for 20 minutes? I just don’t get it.

This is a side tangent, but you know what you signed up for. Why do these specialty Lattes take so long to make? Dunkin’ and Starbucks know half their clientele are coming from PSLs. Why does each take 5 minutes to make? Don’t give me the “made to order” argument; one of these chains are selling bags of bacon. It’s not to ensure quality. They should have a line for people who want regular stuff, and a second for specialty orders. Any basic orders can fly through the process while the PSL line wraps around the block. Anyone willing to wait on the PSL line can, and should, be judged accordingly. Tangent rant over.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. Just at these coffee shops, donuts and muffins contain the spice blend. They sell pre packaged coffee grounds and tea bags that contain it so you can make it at home too. These fly off shelves, dwarfing the regular products during the season. Each sale is an error by the consumer, passing up a much better option. Unless you were debating between the PSL and the aforementioned bag o bacon at Dunkin’. In that case, great work.

The craze has spread over to the culinary world at large. No longer is Pumpkin Spice just for desserts. Savory recipes contain the blend, which should classify as a war crime. While researching, I saw multiple Mac and Cheese recipes containing it. I guess Pumpkin Spice and Dairy is the new wave. At the supermarket, I watched multiple people buy pumpkin spiced cheerios and immediately lost respect for them. It’s sprinkled onto nuts, chips, hummus, and hundreds of other products that don’t need it. You just know there’s a pumpkin spice burger out there. We couldn’t just keep this to desserts so I easily avoid it? We had to ruin snacks and mac and cheese too? What’s next?

People take Pumpkin Spice too far. That’s obvious. I mean, they make signs that say ‘Happy Pumpkin Spice Season”. But why? It can’t just be the flavor. There had to be more. I was ready to right an essay exposing the farmers for their corruption and lies. I mean, Big Farmer aligned with Big Spice? It made far too much sense. Halfway through my expose, the truth hit me, much like an angry farmer will after reading through this blog. The true reason as to why people love Pumpkin Spice, via lattes, pies, or even ham – is Fall.

For many, Fall is the best season. The weather changes, from brutally hot, to crisp, cool and comfortable*** ³. People, including @PSLBecky1988, love the sweater/hoodie temperature. The leaves change colors, creating picturesque scenery. It’s the return of football, America’s favorite sport despite it’s numerous issues.**** ⁴. Halloween is many people’s favorite holiday, even if it’s not really a holiday. I mean I get it, people like dressing up and for some reason, a lot of people like wearing costumes that don’t cover up much. I found that out Freshman year of college and immediately understood the appeal.

Pumpkin Spice Products, and mainly the PSL, signify the transition from the summer to the fall. It’s a physical, liquid reminder that the season has changed. And I think that’s why people are so exciting when it appears everywhere. We link the spice to the changing of the season. It’s a comfort.

Of course, all that sentiment fails to explain why Pumpkin Spice isn’t called “Fall Spice” or “Latte seasoning”. Honestly, I got nothing. It’s an outdated name that should be changed, but won’t. I guess it’s fine. Pumpkins remain a symbol of Fall and people remain broke spending entire paychecks on spiced foam milk. Funny how many farmers have cows, grow pumpkins, and have a clear alignment with spices. I’m just saying.

Since we’ve come full circle, I have one last thought. Throughout this rant, I’ve continued to say that Pumpkin Spice, and especially pumpkin itself, were never the best choice. i also never really offered an alternative. It’s obvious. Any scenario you’d use Pumpkin, or even Pumpkin Spice, use Apple.

Want a dessert? Apples taste awesome and work in anything. An Apple pie is 1000% better than a pumpkin one. Apple cookies, muffins and bread make tastier desserts. Hell, apples even work with pork in you need savory options and Pumpkin Spice Spam isn’t in your supermarket. I won’t address PSLs versus Apple Cider and Apple Juice. Besides, if you’re drinking a latte, you’ve already made the wrong choice. And yes, I am aware pumpkin isn’t really in a PSL, but isn’t that part of the argument?

Now, before you say “Bloggin Hood, you attractive genius wordsmith, apples are eaten all year while pumpkins are only available for a season”. Correct. That’s the point! Apples are a staple. People eat them year round because they are tasty. Pumpkins only exist for 3 months, and really just October, for Halloween, pumpkin picking, and as desperate additives so we don’t have hundreds of tons of rotten pumpkins in the patches.

If you’re just obsessed with the spice, Apple Pie Spice exists, and it’s the better version of pumpkin spice. The different is Apple Pie Spice replaces clove with cardamom. Do I know what either of those spices are? Not really, no. But Apple Pie Spice tastes better anyway. Pumpkin can’t complete in the “Vaguely associated with the produce due to a pie” category. People, if you’re going to fawn over a spice, at least pick the better tasting one.

Either way, Big Farmer is fattening their pockets. Hmm. Maybe I went into the wrong profession.

1. *Unless you’re the hallmark channel, in which case you’ve been in Christmas mode for about 7 months prior.
2. **As the proud parent of Cody Cat, I know that milk is not good for cat. The cartoons lied to us, friends.
3. Alliteration bitches. What what!
4. For some reason, MXC is not considered a sport.