Political Ads Are Everywhere or I’ll Like to Take a Brief Moment to Attack My Opponents

I’ve never been a big political person. It turns out, all those references to Darkwing Duck were not metaphors for the Tea Party. And no, my rants weren’t secret political ads testing the waters for a Senate seat. In fact, my strongest political take is that Peppa Pig is a fascist. And not even one of those secret fascists that say the right things in public but rule with an iron fist (hoof?). Peppa definitely wants to crush her enemies and show off while doing so. The controversial episode “Peppa Pig and Her Authoritarian State” (Season 1, Episode 4) explores this horrifying scenario. I thought the decapitation scene on a kid’s show was too much, but the censors did not.

Much like religion, politics is a topic I keep away from the blog as much as possible. It’s a touchy subject for many, and leads to more heated arguments than ESPN’s morning lineup. While it’s true that everything has some sort of political slant, I try not to. I’d rather expose the sinister nature of British swine, or get angry over 90s Disney characters. If I’m going to get blow back for a controversial take, it sure as hell won’t be about anything important.

Perhaps I’m not the person who should be writing this blog. My political knowledge is pretty narrow. I mean, I know what the electoral college is, and how doesn’t really make much sense. I released that one Bloggin Hood Mini about the Iowa Caucus and ended up with more questions than answers. Growing up, I did pretty well in history classes. I hated Animal when I realized it was political 1/3rd of the way through it. I got to read a book over the summer and it’s politics? Come on man.

I think my harried of politics came from grammar school, specifically student council. Perhaps in your experience, student council made sense. But I doubt it. As a cynical 12 year old, I thought running for student council was the dumbest decision someone could make. Did these kids thing they were making a difference? Like, did the kids who ran for treasury think they could buy pizza for lunch everyday or pocket the funds? At least then he or she had a reason to run, although outward corruption is a tough sell.

Of course, there was no point to student council positions. The suckers who ran willingly volunteered to speak in front of the class on their “policies”. The unfortunate winners had to attend an after school meeting once a month. The candidates more or less asked to have detention, except they were with the overachievers instead of the bad kids. The bad kids would at least have gum and tell some jokes. The overachievers would make you spit out your gum and talk about class. Sounds like a blast, really. To this day, I don’t understand why people would run for student council. You’re not building a frigging resume at 12 years old.

People mock nerds or nerdy habits. You know, the kids who play Dungeons and Dragons, or Magic the Gathering. This is wrong. Having an interest in anything that’s safe and doesn’t hurt anyone should be encouraged, not mocked. Shame on anyone who made fun of those kids. Instead, we should have ridiculed the student council kids. What were we thinking?! I will carry this shame to my grave.

The worst part about the student council “elections” was the lead up. Candidates hung up countless posters all over the school. Most of the signs barely had any thought put into them. The typical propaganda barely qualified as a sentence – Vote for Bob, Check next to Katie, Vote Smart, Vote Pedro. Others went all out. We’re talking rhyming slogans, pictures of themselves on posters, and even using American symbols to prove they were the best candidates. Did people think running for student council was patriotic? It explains so much.

The only good part was candidates outright bribing students for votes with candy or baked goods. How was that allowed? If you ever want proof that the government is organized corruption, note that in sixth grade, kids gave out candy in exchange for votes. And it was encouraged!

My favorite student council memory was a speech someone gave. In front of a crowd of about 20, maybe 25, the candidate stated her full name and that she was running for secretary. The candidate took a deep breath and glanced at her hand written speech (it was the late 90s). Then, she tore it to shreds. It was incredibly forced. The candidate proudly told us she didn’t need any rehearsed words and fumbled through a 14 second declaration of her candidacy. When the speech ended, three people stood up and clapped. They clapped for a overly dramatic speech for student council! I immediately cackle laughed as hard as I ever had.

Naturally, my teacher has to speak with me afterwards. In my defense, I really can’t control what I think is insanely funny. I could tell the teacher The teacher was definitely holding back a laugh. I’m glad others saw the absurdity in 12 year old showmanship. Somebody really needed to talk to the three kids who clapped though. They deserved swift, cruel punishments.

Thank god I went to school in the 90s and early 2000s. If I was 12 year old today, I’d be in a lot of trouble. Firstly, Momma Bloggin Hood would have found out about this site and shut it down real quick. Secondly, and significantly more relevant, the student council elections would probably have more tech involved. If you don’t think the thirsty students, the ones aching to be class president for some godless reason, wouldn’t film ads, you don’t understand today’s culture. They would make a campaign based around Tik Tok, using a dumbass viral challenge and tie it to the election. They’ve have way more views than Bloggin Hood.

Damn. That hit way to close to home.

In retrospect, the kids “campaigning” weren’t the villains. They were pawns. Who do you think gave the kids the poster boards and the candy? Who actually baked the bribery cupcakes? Hell, who’s filming and/or directing the disgraceful Tik Toks? It’s the candidates’ parents who are the true enemy. Readers, if you’re child tell you he or she wants to run for student council, please talk with them. Allowing, or even encouraging this behavior, is a slippery slope to a life of public office. This is gateway corruption. It’ll just be a few short decades when your son or daughter is begging for political donations and bashing their rivals. I blame each parent for the political ads on TV. It’s your fault commercial breaks are torturous.

We should have been ripping on the parents instead of the children. How could I have been so naive.

Student Council Campaigns poisoned my opinion on politics. I could never get into them after living through years of poor slogans and signs on school walls. Plus, the candy bribes gave me an addiction to sugar. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that we’ve never outgrown student council elections.* ¹ We’ve mutated them into something far more prominent and costly – Political Advertisements.

The political ads we see constantly right now are the evolution of one of the worst traditions of our youth. I got to be honest – these ads are way worse than anything than we saw in school. I’d argue to ban them, but something tells me congress wouldn’t want to disallow their own content.

As bad as the student council posters and slogans were, they were finite. At the end of the school day, they disappeared. Students received hours of blissful peace before being assaulted with voting propaganda the next morning. With political ads, we don’t get a reprieve. They are relentless. Everywhere you look, there’s a ad for one politician or another.

Now, I understand this is a presidential election year. These ads were always going to spike before November 3^rd. I also understand with the lock down, I’m watching more TV. But that doesn’t mean every commercial breaks needs at least one political ad. I never thought I’d feel relief seeing a commercial for “General Insurance.” I legit cheered for a local car dealership commercial yesterday. And trust me, that car ad frigging sucked, but anything is better than another politician.

My first of many complains on political ads is where they run. I understand if these were on news channels. The election, last I checked, is an important new topic. I get running political ads on the major networks – your CBS, NBC, FOX, and ABCs. Most of these networks already have new affiliates under their umbrella, and they’re the major channels. But why are ESPN or Comedy Central running these ads as well?

Nobody watches these channels for updates on the Senate Races. We watch them to escape from reality, and see sports or get a laugh. If I’m watching South Park, a show which exists to mock everything, include politicians, why run an ad for a politician at the first commercial break?

The same goes for a sporting event. I’m a Jets and Mets fan. Every game I watch quickly puts me into a seething, uncontrollable rage (And if you too are a Mets and Jets fan, you understand). I want an ad about bullpen help, or maybe the list of free agents I can dream about replacing the suck sacks on the active roster. What I don’t need is politics. So what do these networks do? Jam a bunch of presidential ads in every break regardless of content. I wouldn’t be surprised if Paw Patrol has some political commercials in between episodes**. ²

There’s a big financial incentive to run these. I imagine each commercial is worth at least one dollar sign bag full of money.*** ³ But why care about a network’s earnings. I just want to watch TV without government propaganda shoved in my face.

Oh and before somebody mentions that Comedy Central has the Daily Show, that’s political satire. If you’re getting news from a show on Comedy Central, you consider Kanye West as a legitimate candidate.

It’s not just the major networks either. There are ads throughout any streaming services. I can’t get through an episode of anything on Hulu without the election popping up between the breaks. Youtube might be the worst offender. Whenever you log on, you’re greeted with a fat advertisement for one of the presidential candidates. Youtube would be an ideal canvas for politicians, except the main demographic are people under 18 who can’t vote. But hey, why not waste some campaign funds appealing to those who cannot affect the election.

Of course, there’s plenty of voters who also use Youtube; including some who use it as a news source. But do we needs the ads every single frigging log in? Can’t we go back to the targeted product placements instead?

Holy crap, I’m starting to miss product placement. The 2020 elections are causing Stockholm Syndrome.

I shouldn’t minimize how much money is involved here. Think of the influx in cash these networks and streaming services must rake in during election time. Plus, you’re getting ads for both sides. That’s the perfect scenario for any platform with ads. Appear neutral to party affiliation – but only because you’re cashing checks from Republicans and Democrats. Those devious, clever bastards. Remember this friends, Bloggin Hood has no ads so you, the people, can read “high” “quality” “content” with no distraction.**** ⁴

If we only endured Presidential ads, I could stomach it. He or she is the leader of the Free World. That election process is kind of important. But where getting everything – Representatives, Senates, local government positions, all at once. I’m not trying to diminish the importance of elected officials. But I’m downing every time Always Sunny goes to a commercial break. I don’t know which candidate I’ll be seeing, but I know I’m about to get angry. Hell, half the time the ads aren’t for candidates in my state which is the biggest waste of air time possible. Plus, any political ad guarantees their opponent will have an ad at the next commercial break. At this point, I’m actively rooting against everyone. At least I can sleep well knowing 50% of these people will have wasted their time (and ours) losing.

Of course, millions of campaign dollars are wasted as well. Man, politics are a rip.

Perhaps the consistent ads don’t bother you. Maybe you’re a simpleton you enjoys repetitive 30 second videos. Maybe it comforts you to know exactly what’s going to be said at the 17 second mark every 30 minutes. Well, let’s look at the far more trouble side of these ads: the content.

Politicians are, for lack of a better word that won’t get me sued, salesmen. Instead of trying to get you to buy a product or service, they are selling themselves. They need you to trust them and most importantly, vote for them. Campaigns revolve around promises to make changes in key areas, like creating jobs, increasing safety and improving education. The candidate forgets these promises after the election. The sale has already been made and there are no refunds. By the time the next election rolls around, nothing has changed, and new promises begin. The candidates retools, and sells himself again. This sounds awful, and that’s because it is. There’s a reason politics is a dirty word.

Keep in mind my knowledge of politics comes from the Simpsons and one episode of Always Sunny. I’m nothing if not pessimistic.

I can accept that politicians can’t be 100% honest. Nobody is. If you said everything on your mind, every citizen in the world would be jailed. Political ads go one step further. Rather than avoid honesty, they avoid everything. There’s no substance in these ads. There’s really nothing but mud slinging, name calling, and confusion. It’s a lot like the WWE, except the stars here are in much worse shape.

If you’re going to vote, you want to know where each candidates stands on certain issues. Typically, you can look through their empty smiles and nothing speeches and have an idea of where they stand. Ads only provide the emptiness. I’ve probably seen 1,000 ads in 2020, and I haven’t learned a thing about the issues through them. Why don’t ads focus on what the candidate stands for? In 30 seconds, you could give 5 descriptive sentences about who you are and what you intend to do. For Christ sake, that’s an introductory paragraph to an essay. It’s that easy. Instead, these 30 seconds are used exclusively to shit talking the opposition.

In sports, the best defense is a good offense. Apparently, in politics its the same thing. Every ad, and I mean every ad, is an attack on the opponent. The strategy, I assume, is to make the other candidate look worse. Everyone assumes the candidates are full of shit. In this scenario, we’re voting for whoever seems to be slightest less full of shit. This is the format we’ve chosen? Again, why aren’t we just putting the candidates in tights and haven’t them wrestle for the seat? Then again, I think I’ll pass on seeing politicians in tights.

Even the attacks rarely focus on the issues. Occasionally, the ads will raise one, but only if it’s egregious. The most common ones I see is when current politicians vote against important things – like a health care bill. This will be framed as “Senator Representative doesn’t care if you get sick and can’t afford medical treatment”. Of course, this is only a snippet – we have no idea if the candidate later voted in favor of a better bill. Instead, the incumbent like an uncaring jackass. Point for the challenger.

You know what’s the worst part of this? Technically, it’s the truth. A truth that’s been dragged through the mud and beaten several times, but technically it’s the truth. That’s all that matters during the campaigning process.

Another popular tactic is vilify the opponent while appearing infallible. For example, if Candidate A served in the military, and Candidate B did not, that’ll become the focal point of a series of ads. For 15 seconds, we’ll hear all about how patriotic Candidate A’s service was. Then, the ad will question if Candidate B even cares about the troops, followed by the ad ending abruptly. How is that an ad? Serving the military is both noble and wonderful, but it doesn’t mean somebody would make a good politician. But if you watch one ad, you’d think Candidate B spit on a military uniform and called a 5 star general a punk bitch.

There’s a playbook for every type of candidate. Here’s a few that I’ve seen.

1. Opponent has more money – Say he’s out of touch with the common man and will only serve the rich. The working class will barely afford Snackin Bacon from Dunkin Donuts.
2. Opponent has less money – Will tax anyone on a comfortable salary to hell in back. Imply he’s a socialist who hates America.
3. Opponent has no experience – Say he’ll be eaten alive by other politicians. The people deserve to be led by somebody who knows what they’re doing.
4. Opponent has more experience – Call him a career politician that hasn’t done anything for people. The people deserve a new official who will fight for them.
5. Both you and the Opponent are aliens – Share Protein stands with your opponent and mock the citizens. Remind them this it’s a two party system and prepare for the statues in your honor.

You see? There’s a script for every scenario. And when in doubt, most candidates will include gratuitous images that scream “America”. Usually, this is a combination of the American Flag, the military, and extremely diverse groups of people. If someone that doesn’t work, the final play is desperate but effective. One candidate will excuse the other of some combination of corruption, treason and racism. None of these will be outright stated, but they’re heavily implied. Thank God we have these ads to bring out the best in people.

These attacking ads are truly pathetic. Is anyone influenced by these things? I suppose some people must, otherwise they wouldn’t bother creating so many. These must be the same people who answer Spam calls and provide their SSN to win a free cruise. I don’t get how any rational human being would vote based on these, but how many rational people are on Earth? There’s a society of people who believe the Earth is flat. I imagine the three kids who cheered the student council speech became charter members.

If people are easily manipulated, the attacks still won’t help. In fact, I believe they help the rival. In a lot of the ads I’ve seen, the opponent is mentioned way more than the candidate. That seems backward. I get you want to vilify the opponent, but don’t I need your name as well? Assuming the masses are dumb, which is a safe assumption, voters might remember the wrong name. People vote for the wrong candidate every year because of these ads. It’s a reverse subliminal message. I don’t see the upside of attacking the opposition unless you’re also hyping yourself.

However, I’ve never tried a baseless attack without facts. Can I really knock something before I try it?

As a scholar, it’s my duty to experiment. I decided to make fictitious ads against site nemesis, Bob Bobberton. Bobby B recently started his own blog, and the takes are freezing cold. But I can’t just let somebody of his caliber enter the blogging sphere. Every click on his site is a vote against mine. To wint he blogging war, Bloggin Hood went on offense. Here are three ads coming to radio and TV soon.***** ⁵

I can’t believe they cut my mic on that third ad read. It originally went on for 42 minutes.

I bet you didn’t know that was me in all 3 clips. I’m a wizard at disguising my actual voice. Disney should be calling me about voice work any minute now.

See how annoying that is? Not once did I mention any of my articles, and that’s with good reason. Anyone with an IQ over 12 could pick holes in each one of my ads (well, not the third one). Fortunately, I chose to attack Bob, so I have no fear of retaliation.

Do politicians do this because it’s fun? It’s definitely fun, but I can’t see how that’s effective Other than absolutely lunatics, nobody would visit Bloggin Hood after those reads. They would be confused why an 19^th century gold miner was angry about ranch dressing. I think we’ve proven political ads of any kind are ineffective. Bob, if you’re out there, first I’m surprised you learned to turn on an electronic device. Also, no hard feelings pal. It’s all in good fun. But Ranch is gross, so stop using it.

I’ll have Big Ranch and its fans gunning for me now. Even in a parody attack ad, I made thousands of enemies. It’s the Bloggin Hood way.

This election season made me long for the day of middle school politics. Sure, I despised it, but I did get some candy out of the deal. That wasn’t considered a bribe, somehow. Today, all I get is ad after ad that makes me want to rip my hair out. At this point, I’ll take any commercial in their place. Geico, you can bring back the shitty Cavemen and I’ll applaud. I’m that desperate.

At least, the ads will be over soon. Election day is almost here. Before we know it, Kanye will be sworn in and this will all be over.

Oops, sorry. My politics slipped in there.****** ⁶

1. *2020 also taught me that whenever things can get worse they will but that’s not completely relevant to this write up.
2. **Peppa Pig usually has ads calling for Anarchy and bloodshed. It’s a dark, dismal show people.
3. ***That’s the official financial unit in the government.
4. ****I’d sell out for a nickel.
5. *****I want to be clear Bob Bobberton doesn’t have a blog, and I made this up to have some basis for fake ads. It’s obvious to you, but we just talked about the masses. I need to play it safe.
6. ******At the Inauguration, West’s introduction would definitely be – “Mr. West is in building/Policies in the hundreds, thousands, trillions!”