Pokemon Week Part 1 -The Most Annoying Parts of the Game or Let’s Talk About Zubat

That’s right. We’re going to talk about Pokemon, and you’re going to enjoy it. If you’re too mature for Pokémon, please review the Peppa Pig post today and come back next week

For a while, I was afraid of writing anything that would have been too nerdy. I was afraid the adoring public would have shunned me for being a loser, and my fan base would abandon me. But then I realized several important things.

Firstly, most things I’ve written about are nerdy. No really, it’s been an incredibly nerdy lineup. I mean how many times did I reference Ducktales? I mean, I’m doing it again as you read this. There was really nothing to fear.

Secondly, I don’t have any sort of fan base. The only person who has less fans than me right now is Rosanne Barr. There’s a topical reference that shows these articles aren’t dated. They just started to take a very long time.

As a kid, I managed to avoid most of the fads that swept through school. I remember having a yoyo for a bit, and being able to walk the dog. But after hitting myself in the fact one too many times trying to learn the around the world, I packed it in. For the most part, I avoided the other big pushes as they didn’t seem too interesting. I remember Yu-gi-oh trying to become a thing, but it never did. Pogs were a thing for like 15 minutes, until people had to ask their parents who the characters depicted on each piece of cardboard. Also, paper products and school lunches did not mix well – kids spill a lot of drinks. I even remember when scooters were cool. I mean, scooters? Seriously, what the hell were you people thinking? The only thing lamer than a scooter is probably Pokémon.

Despite my better judgment, I fell deep victim to the Pokemon craze, and I’m not proud of it.

Pokemon appealed to several character flaws I have. Firstly, I’m a collector. One of my worst habits is when I get involved in something, I want to have everything. When I brought the latest iteration of Smash, I was annoyed at the addition of paid characters released after the game came out. It was going to be little more than a cash grab and I refused to participate. However, once the characters and stages started coming out, it felt incomplete not having them all. The characters and stages were reasonably priced, I mean, at least for DLC, and I do have them all. Am I proud of this? No, of course not, but I wasn’t not going to buy the fan favorite Corrin, now was I?

Does anyone have a clue who Corrin is?

Pokemon’s main concept was to trick people like me into collecting every last monster. We sure as hell weren’t going to use all 150 pokemon, but we still wanted to have each and every one on standby. I remember spending hours searching for each one, ultimately using a game genie to cheat my way into catching all 150 pokemon on my original file. Catching a Level 2 Zapdos was never so easy.

If the 12 year old me knew how many pokemon there were these days (over 800 apparently) he would have either had a heart attack, or faked the mumps to stay home and get to work.

Don’t ask me how I would fake the mumps. I’d figure it out. Leave the zany schemes to me, ok?

The other appealing part of Pokémon for me is competition. Sure, facing your friends in a video game about monsters fighting doesn’t sound all that exciting honestly. It seems pretty boring when compared to a Smash Brothers, Madden, or really anything short of Monopoly. However, a Pokemon Battle leads to more trash talk than anything else. I swear, the only times my mouth has ever been more dirty than when facing my friends is the few times I’ve driven on a highway. I mean, driving leads to like 10 f bombs a minutes.

The battle system was so simplistic, yet the mind games layered on impressive depth. Sure, your water pokemon could beat my fire type, but if I switch to a grass, your water attack would do zilch. You might anticipate my switch and use an attack that hurts grass types, BUT, I could stay in and destroy you for your over prediction. And I mean, that’s one turn. Pokemon was secretly like chess, except instead of certain pieces making an L shape, they shot thunderbolts from the sky or ice beams from their mouths. Picture the Harry Potter chess scene from the first book, but with way more cartoon violence and fur.

I was hooked bad. I would plan out my teams, lose a fight, and then go back to the drawing board until I found a combination that made me unbeatable. There was something about outsmarting an opponent and winning that just called to me. Usually, it called to me saying “Use Busch league tactics to win” and boy did I ever.

Ive said repeatedly I’m not proud. Just be happy I’m honest.

Plus, in the main story line, you were basically untouchable. Pokemon is a power trip for bored people of all ages.

This doesn’t mean all aspects of the games are good though. There were plenty of things to complain about which is why we’re here today. Believe it or not, this will not be a positive post.

Today’s article will focus on all the annoying aspects of playing through Pokemon games. I know not everyone was a competitive battler. Some people were just in it to collect the Pokemon. Others just went after their favorites. But at the end of the day, unless you didn’t play these games, we all had to go through the main story at some point and everyone has something that annoyed them. I’m sure you all have your sticking points, so feel free to note them in the comments. I’m writing this list assuming you’ve played these games before, so if you haven’t, well, maybe next week’s entries will be more suited for you.

I laughed at the thought of making articles for next week

Also, before I get to the list, I’d like to point out that I’m only talking about main pokemon games. There’s plenty of side games, and before I really begin, I’d like to take this time to bash a few other games that have the Pokemon license that have pissed me off over the course of my lifetime.

Pokemon Snap – In this delightful waste of $50, you control a Pokemon photographer and take pictures of Pokemon over the course of an 18 minute adventure. Your reward for snapping all the available pokemon is to take pictures of Mew, who the games hadn’t decided if it would truly acknowledge as being legit yet or not.

People bought the shit out of this game, and many loved it. Why? It was a photo taking game. You could have just brought a sticker album and saved yourself $5 and 17 minutes. Honestly, this was the shortest game I ever played. The game was self aware to know length wasn’t it’s strong point (giggity) so they always advised the player to shoot for a higher score. That is true. Next time, Nintendo should shoot to make a game higher than 3.5 out of 10. I’d say this was a slap in the face, but that has some honor associated with it. This was more like being repeatedly punch in the nads by your favorite characters.

Pokemon GO – I’m probably going to rustle a few jimmies here, but this game sucked. No really, think about it. What’s the main features of a Pokemon game? Collecting and Battling. This monstrosity took away the battling, only providing the collecting.

I’ll admit, the novelty was there early. It was a cool concept and people all over where playing and communication with other people. It opened up conversations in public between strangers for the first time in decades. In a way, it was kind of sweet. There were two huge issues though.

Firstly, there was no depth. All you did was go around and catch pokemon by throwing pokeballs. The game was designed to hide the cool pokemon, so all you’d have was an army of pidgey’s, caterpies, and god damn zubats. Zubats were frigging everywhere. Yes, I know there were areas with rare creatures, but I can tell you where they weren’t – anywhere on my walking routes. If I wanted to see pigeons, I’d close my phone and look around me. I’m trying to escape reality, not confront it.

Secondly, the concept of catching pokemon on your phone is cool, until you realize how many people were playing this in cities. Outside of the obvious vehicular manslaughter downsides, it was dangerous on a lessor level. People were bumping into walls and each other. It was impossible getting around the city, as players slowed down, crowding blocks that normally moved quickly And for what? Another damn zubat? My nose is bleeding from all these collisions and that’s the best you have to offer?

I’m not even going to get into the microtransactions, which is what the game was built for. It was a soulless cash grab, and it worked out well for the developers. Enjoy your long, cold stay in hell, game designers.

So yeah, to say this game sucked was an understatement.

And now, with that off my chest, here are the most annoying parts of Pokemon Games that don’t involve zubat. Probably.

TMs and HMs – TMs are technical machines, basically a way to give your pokemon new moves. Most monsters have a minimal movepool focused solely around their types, and maybe a move or two that they look like they can do (Zubat used suck attack). This makes for shallow move sets and would be each battle little more than a glorified dog fight, which, it kind of is anyway. If one of your pokemon learns this TM, it can give them another type of attacking move, greatly heightening it’s potential.

The biggest issue with TMs is they are one time use. If multiple pokemon on your team can learn it, you have to pick a favorite, and fast. I never understood this. The game portray’s these as discs. I imagine it’s a how to guide. Do trainers snap DVDs in half after watching a movie? I get it if the discs starred Nicolas Cage, but TMs are valuable stuff. Also, why couldn’t a Pokemon just teach a TM it’s learned to another willing student? That would be like a bonding moment, perfect for kids trying to create brutal, murdrous demigods. It’s like a life lesson.

Fortunately, in later games, this has been corrected, and TMs can be used infinitely once learned. A change that was definitely for the best.

HMs, or Hidden Machines were the exact opposite of TMs until recent games, being able to be used an infinite amount of times since the first generation. The problem is the moves it taught were awful, low powered moves that saddled Pokemon with a pointless attack. When you can only know four moves at a time, losing a slot is serious business. These moves were necessary to move about the map, whether it was to cut trees, surf across the water, move boulders, or even fly. Only two of the HMs ever had any sort of power behind them. Most players were forced to bring an HM specialist, typically an awful pokemon who could learn these useless moves, and lowered their useable team by 1. Choosing to weaken a team with bad moves, or a bad Pokemon? Sounds like a fun game mechanic.

Why couldn’t you just learn tools to get through these things? Get an axe to cut trees, or hit the gym to push those boulders. I mean, is it really that hard to charter a flight with poke dollars? Fortunately, the game address this later on as well, allowing you to use “loaned” pokemon to perform these tasks without taking up a spot or a move. Huh? It’s like my complaints are getting us places. I knew this blog would change the world!

Now where’s Darkwing!?

Long Mundane Openings – Everyone knows that the worst part, by far, is the opening of these games. I mean, you can’t even get to the real game, where you get the treat of catching a rat, a pigeon and a damn Zubat, for a good hour or so. In every game, you are introduced to some “Pokemon expert”, typically an old lazy guy who’s too lazy to do any real work. He can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl  I don’t want to know how he confirms that piece of info.

By chance, you get selected to receive a rare pokemon, usually because you have to do a favor for him. Whichever you choose, you then have to run some pointless errand to add on some game-time. It’s usually something mundane like picking up a package, or talking to some other, equally useless character.

Afterwards, the “professor” is so moved by your borderline competence, he gives you rare, advanced technology and tells you to scour the earth to capture every creature. The technology he gives you, a pokedex, is supposed to contain his life’s work. It’s typically empty, outside of your starting monster. I mean, this person is so lazy, they didn’t bother recording the three pokemon he or she had. It’s ridicuclous. Somehow, you’re tricked into doing somebody’s else’s job, and you’re not getting paid for it.

Then of course, your rival will battle you at some point between the opening and getting the Pokedex. Your rival gets worse is each game, going from a difficult fight, to being  pushover and trying to be friendly. No, I don’t want my rival to be friendly. I want to struggle to beat him and then taunt till my throat is sore. Where’s the satisfaction of beating some glorified cheerleaders who wouldn’t know a good battle technique if it wrecked his or her whole team with ease? And trust me, it will.

This beginning never changes, and it’s SOOOOO painful, it made me never want to start a game. It’s an honest to goodness chore. Of course it’s no surprise it’s the same in every game, which brings us to our next complaint.

The Story Never Changes – Hero meets annoying professor. Professor gives pokemon to hero in exchange for hero doing professors job. Hero catches monsters, replacing them for better monsters as story goes. Hero beats gym leaders and get badges. Hero beats pathetic rival who talks of friendship and love or some other bull shit. Evil organization appears with vague or stupid plan. Hero immediately ruins them. Hero defeats elite 4, becomes champ and gets buried in cash and beefcake/babes, depending on preference.

That’s every single pokemon game ever, with little to no innovation. Why is the story so incredibly predictable? It’s basically a mad lib, expect the only blank in the evil team’s name, and how they can tie in to this game’s legendary pokemon.

Look, nobody plays pokemon for the story. I don’t expect this to be Shakespeare, or have Game of Throne-esque twists. But they already have the core mechanic down – a treasure chest of monsters in which everyone has a different favorite. The story doesn’t have to be this cookie cutter. They could take chances and mix things up. What about a game where you are a gym leader at the start and that’s a focal point? That would be the freshest thing in the series and it’s off the top of my head.

I’m sure many of you are suggesting joining the evil guys, but Nintendo would never let that happen. While it’s fun to imagine, you’ll always be the hero. And you’re going to beat gyms the way they intended to, so there. This brings up another complaint though.

Extensive Crime Organizations Can’t Defeat a Child – Firstly, I get it. It’s a kid’s game, and the kids need to win. I don’t expect the story to end with evil triumphing while dancing on the hero’s corpse.

What I don’t get is how awful all these Team Rocket and knockoff Team Rocket groups are. I mean, most oft heir employees have one pokemon, and it’s usually something awful like a Zubat. Yeah, that will make me feel threatened – the same pokemon I knocked out 45 times in a cave on the way here and didn’t bother catching because it was too awful. There’s no presence of these evil teams. Usually, they just kind of appear, and never really have a concrete plan other than “be evil” or “force a whale to flood the earth”. I mean, those are two significant jumps. You kind of just battle the grunts until you get to the mastermind who reveals this questionable plan, and then you fight him. And when you win… that’s it?

Yes, that’s it. They just kind of give up and say “shucks”. “Ah well, maybe next time!” And then they go away. Hello? You’re an evil criminal organization and you’re letting a 10 year old kid and his pets, albeit some fire breathing mythical pets, just disband your team? I just don’t understand it. Wouldn’t these organizations have a plan b besides pokemon? You’re telling me Giovanni wasn’t packing a weapon? Ridiculous. He could have ended his trouble with one well placed shot. Instead, we are expected to believe a criminal organization will be defeat by a child, shrug, and go deliver themselves to the police. Reasonable.

The Main Character is 10 – When you were 10 years old, you were really pushing it if you were out after dark. It was doubtful you were able to go too far without adult supervision, and you could be sure you couldn’t come home with some sort of stray animal.

Now, let’s consider pokemon. In the game, it’s established that the hero will go out into the wild and take on all sorts of danger with just one pokemon (to start). In fact, the first games open with a fearful Professor cautioning you to avoid the grass as it could be deadly. I mean, if the grass is deadly, that’s not a good sign for what’s to come. This child is taking on adult trainers as every turn, staying in random pokemon centers overnight (I assume. They never really address sleep) and he or she does all this without so much as a call from the mother. Where’s child services when you need it?

Even worse, the game implies that this happens regularly – kids being sent out on their own with little money and a glorified pet that may hate their trainer and not obey commands. Why not just drop them off in a foreign country with a walking stick and some silver coins and see what happens? At least in the Hunger Games, the premise was explained by a corrupt government. Here, this journey is considered normal, and a privilege. I’d rather have a bed, thanks.

Catching Legends – Here’s one part of the game I never understood. The game will hype up a new pokemon with every installment, usually to boost sells. The Legendary pokemon are talked about as being more powerful than any human or regular pokemon. In fact, some of them are downright gods. In the game we’re most familiar with, you can catch Mewtwo, the “strongest” pokemon. However, in later games, you can catch pokemon who rule over space, time, and even the creator pokemon. Like, legit, you can catch God. That sounds a wee bit overpowered.

Now, if that’s not crazy enough, your character is the only one competing to catch these pokemon. Sure, in some games one of bumbling fools classified as an “evil team” might be in competition with you, but outside of catching one of these momentarily, they will be released and made available torn he general public. Shouldn’t everybody and their mothers (and least the mother’s who care about their pokemon trainers) try to catch these. I mean, there should be an all out scramble. Pokeballs should fill the sky and these legendary behemoths give it their all to avoid being caught.

No, no this doesn’t happen. Instead, these legends, masters of time, space, and the universe, battle one trainer, and other than wiggling out of a few balls, go down with minimal fight. Are you kidding me? Where are the trainers? I mean, this is their chance to be relevant and not just fishing on the side of route 62 for the rest of their lives. What is wrong with these people?

Now, Mewtwo’s situation is explained. Mewtwo is so powerful, no trainer can get near him. He hides himself in a cave and pretty much wrecks anything that comes his way. I get that one, and honestly, that’s a fair reason. But the rest of these legends? Sure, most need an item to reveal themselves, but once that happens, all bets should be off. However, it’s not. It’s an orderly, quiet process where you catch God and he joins your team of lessor deities. So reasonable.

What’s even more annoying is when you have one of these legends, there’s no shock and awe from rival trainers or even the pokemon. Wouldn’t some of these people be terrified or honored? Wouldn’t the pokemon pay respects to the God pokemon. No, instead they are treated like everyone else – a chump. Cmon, Nintendo, fix this. If I control space and time, I deserve some praise, and maybe a few groupies.

Evolutions – I was never a fan of Science in school. There was too many rules, and theories for me to comfortably enjoy it. Once we had to start figuring out bonds I was out. However, I do remember the theory of evolution, which involves organisms changing to their environment and surroundings to survive. This process should take hundreds of years, if not more, and it’s a slow, gradual change. Pokemon takes the theory of evolution and mocks it by evolving in its face… twice… possibly after the same battle.

You’ll likely see evolution in your play through within the first handful of hours. Typically, it happens via levels, but there’s also other, odd ways for pokemon to evolve. Some do so via evolutionary stones. Other evolve through the power of friendship (no, seriously). And a rare few evolve through learning a certain move. However, the oddest of all evolutionary lines is Eevee, who can evolve into a multitude of types based on special ways – stones, friendship at either the day or night, or even leveling up near an icy or mossy rock. Boy did Charles Darwin have things wrong.

Of course, this fails to mention the worst kind of evolution of all – trade evolution. A good number of pokemon, and most of them are actually good, only reach their final stage by getting traded. Now, I can buy getting stronger and evolving (level) or due to a chemical reaction (stones) but via trade? How does that trigger a needed evolution? Being so angry that your former trainer doesn’t want you? That’s like Shaq going to Miami via trade and wrecking the league.

There’s several issues here. Firstly, you need friends to have this occur. Let’s be honest, if you’re playing pokemon, you either aren’t telling your friends, or you don’t have any. So this already makes things difficult. Then, if you go find somebody to trade with, you have to trust them to trade back with you. And if you’re giving up something good, why would they do that? Now, it’s a hostage situation just to evolve some 1s and 0s into different 1s and 0s. You’ll likely have to take a pet or a young child from your trading partner to ensure you get your freshly evolved Gengar back.

This is why games involving teamwork or the worst.

Game Exclusives – Here’s another cruel, merciless strategy by Nintendo to ensure sales. In most Pokemon games, you’re told you can catch them all. But you can’t. Oh my, of course you can’t. Typically, each game is really two versions. Let’s look at the classic Red and Blue, where the franchise all started. With only one copy of the game, you won’t be able to get all three starter pokemon, since you can only choose one, and then, that’s it. Without a trading partner, you’ll never get either of the other two starters. Again, teamwork. Hoor-freaking-yay.

But it gets much worse than this. Each games also has exclusive pokemon, some only available in Red, and some only available in Blue. You can hunt every nook and cranny, but you’re not finding all the pokemon. Again, without trading, your only option is to actually purchase both versions of the game. Do you know what the difference between the two versions are? The color of the cartridge and those damn pokemon. And that’s it. You’re literally buying two versions for digital monsters, or your making a few friends who have the other version. So, like I said, you’re buying two copies of the same game.

In future installments, legendary pokemon, you know, the ones everyone actually want, are split between the two games. You’l never own all 800 or whatever it is now without buying like 20 different games. Kids will demand to have all of these. If you’re a parent, encourage them to play Mario, Zelda, Smash Brothers, but never pokemon. It’s a cruel cruel game.

Gym Leaders are Awful – I mean, they really are bad at their craft. Have you ever thought about it? The first gym leader you fight is typically hyped up quite a bit before you reach him or her. You hear about how this trainer is a fearsome, difficult competitor and you worry about how you can possibly beat him. And then you find out he or she has two pokemon, each under level 15, unevolved, and have clear gaping weaknesses. Unless you’re a horrific player, or have no monsters to exploit the gaping holes in the opposition’s defense, you’re going to win easily. Then the gym leader pretend he or she wasn’t trying and gives you a badge out of pity. Talk about saving face.

I understand basic concepts about game design. You can’t go and have the first boss fight be far too strong. Nobody would play the game. But isn’t it weird that this trainer who everyone seems to fear ends up being weaker than the average trainer three hours later? There’s always a power scale issue in games, but I feel this is one of the most obvious flaws. Now, how could this be fixed? What about a rematch? Maybe later in the gym, right before you get all the badges, you can re-challenge all the gym leaders, with high level, legit teams. This would provide some challenge and make them not look like total jokes. And speaking of total jokes…

The Elite Four Sucks – For the entire game, and this goes for every game because, again, the story never changes, all you hear is about how strong the Elite Four is. The ultimate test for a trainer, the Elite Four seem like a group who does nothing but sit around until somebody challenges them. The game implies next to nobody ever defeats them.

Now, in most games, they do provide a decent challenge, but they never really impede your progress. At least they’re higher levels than the gym leaders. Not that its high bar to reach. So you beat them, and the game is over, and I have no issues with this.

Oh wait, what’s that? The Elite Four was just defeated by another trainer minutes prior who’s the champion? I mean, seriously? They get hyped to no end for the entire game, and then they lose twice in about eight minutes? How elite are these guys exactly? I mean, can’t you just be the champion? At least that would mix up the story a bit. But no, of course not.

What makes this even worse is that the champion is always somebody you know. It used to be your rival like in Red or Blue. Now it’s some little wiener you met on your journey who kind of sucked, but everybody respected. Now the champion usually has some overleveled monsters, so this battle will be actually tough. You will likely have a few of your team members faint during the battle, but remember, sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. It’s really too bad as champion, you can fire the elite four. I’d rather fight by myself than have these overhyped failures by my minions. They’re the pokemon version of Matt Stafford.

And there you have it. That’s a pretty long list, but I’m sure I forgot some. If there’s anything else that bugs you, former and current trainers, leave it in the comment.

And join us for our next blog, where I’ll give you the top six pokemon of all time. What do you know, that’s just enough for a team. It’s like I planned it or something. Expect to get irrationally angry at my choices.