Pokemon Part 3 – The Replacables or Finally, More Zubat

The great philosopher Confucius was credited with many famous sayings. Perhaps his best one was on opinions, where he said “Opinions are like assholes– everyone has one and most people think theirs doesn’t stink”. Certainly profound, if not a bit unhygienic, Confucius’ words certainly ring true today. With the advent of twitter, everyone feels the need to share their opinion on every topic. If it was real life, it would basically be a room where people shouted at the top of their lungs, making no rational points other than saying how they feel. Here’s a surprise you may not know – nobody cares about anybody else’s opinion. They will agree with anyone who thinks alike on the topic, and shun those who don’t. If you don’t think this is true, check out the White House on a given day and you’ll see this is now the nation is being run. It’s from the top down people.

Note that while absolutely correct, many of Confucius’ peers hated him for this revelation. He was not a hit at parties, trying to explain this point of view, and asking guests to sniff asses to prove his point. Confucius didn’t get invited to a lot of parties. I guess if there’s one thing to take away from this article, it’s not to sniff butts. At least without permission. That goes for the pups reading too. Get a better hobby.

Now, you might be thinking – wait a second, didn’t the last blog already start like this? Am I getting a rehash? Not exactly. In fact, it’s the pokemon in this article that tend to be the re-hash.

Let’s face it, the vast majority of pokemon are not good. A lot of them are just plain inferior to better pokemon, are uninspired or are based on something completely lame. Fortunately, with those new fangled opinions, few pokemon go without any fans. Some people may believe that Scizor or Krookodile are crappy pokemon. Those people would be uninformed douches, but still, the opinion exists.

To qualify for the dubious honor of worst Pokemon, the following criteria were considered:

1). Design – Just like the coolest pokemon, most lame monsters are due to a crappy design. If something is designed well enough, they can overcome poor stats or mediocre ability. People like using their favorites, and even if there’s a better option of the same type, aesthetically pleasing poemon will get heavy use regardless. However, when a pokemon looks like somebody vomited on the easel, people will not touch it, regardless of ability. I mean, it’s puke. Nobody wants to touch puke.

2). Annoyance – So, when you play through a pokemon game, certain mosnters will piss you off. It might be because they run train on your team without breaking a sweat, but Poemon games are pretty easy. The cure for any difficult fight is to raise your level. It’s not rocket science. Plus, any monster that gives you a challenge will usually earn your respect.

However, true annoyance is when you constantly run into the same pokemon over and over as you desperately try to get to the next city or area. I’m sure we could think of plenty of exampes, but I won’t bother to name names.

Ok, this is the zubat section. It’s why Zubat will be on the list.

3). Creativity – Or lack there of really. I consider whether the pokemon is a pure rip off of another one, or is just completely boring and uninspired. When you make 800 of these, some guys won’t be the best, but a  few clearly stuck out as mailing it in. I’m here to call out those mail ins.

Without further ado, here’s a list of Pokemon’s worst entries.

Zubat

Here it is, the most annoying Pokemon in the history of the game. The fun part is that Zubat actually wasn’t the most common encounter. There were way more Rattata and various crappy birds floating around, but nobody ever got as annoyed with them. My theory is that rats and birds only appeared outside, where you either could avoid the grass, were trying the level up, or actively searching for a Pokemon. You had control over when you got into a battle so it wasn’t quite as bad.

Zubat on the other hand was only located in caves. Unlike normal areas, caves did not have patches where there would be no encounters. Every step you take in a cave could find a wild pokemon. These caves were usually multi floored, involved some stupid, annoying puzzle nobody had time for, and had a lot of wild fights. And who was the main Pokemon to appear roughly 98% of the time? That’s right, your local Zubat, and his 98 closest friends.

Zubat also had probably the most annoying collection of moves in the game. They gave him the ability to confuse you, so instead of attacking zubat and mercilessly ending the fight, you would hit yourself. He had an attack that damaged you and healed him, though it was weak so it wasn’t that bad. Finally, he had a move that made you flinch, which meant Zubat got to go again and your turn was skipped. Why not just give him the ability to ruin the puzzle you were trying to solve before being interrupted. Oh wait, it does that by interfering every five steps, causing you to forget where you were.

He’s also the only pokemon you can find in Pokemon Go. It’s why I quit. It’s great when you friends find Scythers, Eevees and the three starters and you get swarmed by thousands of zubats daily. I mean, the game was horrible even with better encounters, but seeing that mug never helped.

I hate you Zubat. I hate all your evolutions, which tried to save you but failed miserably. I hate all the knock off zubats who came after you. I even hate batman a little bit because of you, but more because of Ben Affleck. You’re the absolute worst. See you in a nearby cave soon, like 98 times.

Voltorb

I understand not every Pokemon is going to be a wonder. Designing this many monsters is challenging. I mean, not everything can be as amazing as Joe Cool. But Voltorb was in the original 151 pokemon, and boy did they not try. This is the result of having a design due at 3 PM on Friday, and not starting until 2:55. Voltorb is nothing more thana pokeball with eyes. I mean, that’s it. Even it’s main use in game is to pretend to be a pokeball and attack.

His evolution is the same thing, a flipped upside down pokeball with a mouth and eyes. So I mean, hey, now it can eat. That’s an improvement. It’s just so completely uninspired. Does anyone remember voltorb fondly? Did anyone remember voltorb before I wrote this paragraph? I’m going to say no. He’s a forgettable monster based on the worst catching item in the game. Congratulations designers on your fine achievement.

Chansey Line

First of all, I have no idea what the name of the first of these three are, and I don’t have any time for this, so we’ll move on.

Chansey is not based on an animal, which you’ll quickly see is going to be most common complaint on this list. Instead, it’s just a pink, egg shaped blob. Blissey, the evolved form of Chansey, is basically the same, except it appears to be in some sort of sleeves. That’s how stats improve in the digital world, by playing dress up. These two creatures solely exist to sponge damage, annoy opponents and heal. Needless to say, I’ve never used a chansey. I don’t bother wasting my time on things that don’t crush faces. So, what are these things supposed to be? I’m going to say eggs. Keep this in mind.

Now, what are these two pokemon’s signature moves? Egg Bomb and Softboiled. Egg bomb is, as it sounds, an attack where eggs explode on the opponent. Softboiled heals the user, which implies the eggs are eaten. Do I need to point out the only logical place these eggs are coming from? These monsters are eating and exploding fellow Chansey/Blissey eggs. It’s barbaric! Don’t be fooled by their smile and soft, squishy exteriors – these are cannibalistic, murderous degenerates.

Bibarel

Most pokemon generations have questionable pokemon at the start of the game. However, most of them don’t look like they snorted some sort of powder in the bathroom before their picture was taken. Bibarel looks demented and on top of it, he’s not very good. The biggest disappointment here, is that its based on a real animal that deserved better than this. Remember the Angry Beavers? They were fantastic. This beaver is terrible. He gives woodland creates a worse name than South Park. The only good thing Bibarel does is handle all the useless HMs that you need to proceed through the game.

It’s the eyes that really get me. It’s like he’s staring into m soul making me think i’m the crazy one.

Luvdisc

Remember a few years ago, when lil’ Wayne was on almost every song. It seemed like he was part of 33% of all musical releases at the time. Similarly, water pokemon dominant the game’s roster. It seems there’s a new water type released every other day. While I write this paragraph, an entire new line of aquatic Pokemon have been released, this time based on a coral reef. In order to be a memorable pokemon, you need ot stand out.

Luvdisc’s standout trait it that it’s spaced like a heart. Awesome. That’s really going to stay in gamers’ minds. Wait, who were we talking about?

Other than the fact he provides an item to help relearn moves, he is the most useless pokemon in history. He’s just there and has no distinguishable traits, other than being pathetic. It’s stats are some of the lowest in the game and it doesn’t evolve. It just sits there, being useless. Has anyone used this thing unironically? No, other than hipsters in Brooklyn. Do you want to be a hipster? You’d need a curly mustache, and that includes the women. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

The moral of the story is don’t use a luvdisc or you’ll need beard oils.

Trubbish

Some pokemon are trash. And then, there’s trubbish, who is actually a trash bag. I’d like to point out there has yet to be a dolphin pokemon, but we managed to get a trash bag pokemon. What an age we live in.

Now, I’m obviously not a fan of these monsters with no basis on any living thing, but this could have been a cool idea. Basing something off common items could be interesting if done right, but at least make them something cool. Is anybody clamoring to play as a trash bag? I mean, think of the poor children in the virtual word who get their starter pokemon and find this is what they got? I’d imagine they’d release it into the wild and go become a criminal.

Klingkank

This is the gear pokemon. Get it? GET IT?!

I mean, this is one of the poorest efforts I’ve ever seen. JR Smith’s game one effort of dribbling out the shot clock was way better than whoever produced this monstrosity. And remember people, the designer got paid for this. In actual money.

What’s going on with the little gear on the right? Does he have one eye or two? It kind of looks like the trainers poked the gear in the eye and he’s howling in pain. If this is the case, I’ll be honest, I’m siding with the trainer on this one. If I had this pokemon in my lineup, I’d be selling it off to a factory immediately. I’d much rather have the trash bag. At least it can hold some waste.

I guess you can argue that there was creativity in this design. It was probably caused by an impressive amount of drugs. I’m not sure whether to applaud it, or be embarrassed by it. I guess I’l settle on being impressed by how ashamed of it I am.

Slurpuff

I can’t deal if this is an animal or a dessert? I understand we eat animals in society, except for those crazy vegans, but typically, meat is a savory dish. Sure, you can candy up a bacon, but you sure don’t eat meat with whipped cream and a cherry. I can only assume this is some sort of dessert pokemon and I am not impressed.

Let’s also break down it’s name. Slurpuff? Is this bragging about it’s tougue, or the fact that it’s served as the last course at a restaurant. Slurpuff makes it sound like it’s a whore pokemon, and we don’t need that. We already have ditto. There’s enough unhinged photos on the internet that we don’t need people discussing and drawing the whore pokemon.

The tongue aspect was already done by Lickitung back in the original games. Nobody gave half a shit about Lickitung, so why would anyone care about a new, fluffier version? I’ll give you a hint, nobody does. The puff aspect was already handled by Jugglypuff, one of the rounder Smash Brother characters (Mario has been hitting the pasta fagul a little too hard of late). Again, people like Jigglypuff, because she’s in Smash brothers, but nobody’s ever been excited about catching one. Why would anyone like this thing? It looks like a deranged cupcake. I’ll pass.

Klefki

Here it is, the inspiration for this article. When you start deciding that a key ring is inspiration for a new character in your video game, it’s probably time to stop making games. Somehow, the company made a whole new interation after this disaster, which makes me so angry. Who could have possibly allowed such a shitty concept to pass the first stage of reviews? Remember, this much have beaten out hundreds of designs. Imagine submitting your dolphin pokemon design to find out you lost to a key ring? You’d probably not show up to work the next day.

What could a key ring do in a fight, other than misplace itself? The answer is nothing. It would sit there and jingle itself and hope that killed the enemy. Guess what? It wouldn’t. I imagine it woud be weak to anything and everything, and probably doesn’t even assist in opening doors in game. Talk about a rip off. Maybe it balances out by being impossible to hit since the opponents can never find it either.

The only thing I could think that could possibly do damage is throwing the keys at the enemy in painful fashion, but even that seems unlikely. It would probably miss since it’s the biggest failure since Hue Jackson’s coaching career.

 

Comfey

Oh my God. They waited one generation and made a knock up of the key pokemon. Now there’s a wreath? This managed to have less imagination than the damn key ring. Does that mean I take back anything I said about the other one? No, of course not. The keys are shit and will always be shit. But Comfey is proof that if at first you botch a design, do the exact same thing and hope nobody notices. Well don’t you worry Nintendo. I noticed.

What helps Confey stand out from its still worse, worthless key chain brother is color. At least there’s something to look at to distract you from pure laziness. You can actually clearly see the pokemon on the right side, as opposed ot the keys where you have to squint and assume that the middle is something other than a lifeless disappointment. Please don’t misunderstand, this is the second worst pokemon to ever exist. However it’s not the worst pokemon, so it has that going for it. Congraduations Klefki, you haven’t lost that dubious honor.

Minior

Remember the cloud enemy from Mario? You know, the guy who fishes you out of the lake in Mario Kart when you drive like a jackass. If you remember in Mario, he would attack by chucking spiked enemies. These enemies would roll into balls until they landed on the ground, where they would exit their ball form and try to attack Mario with spikes. They were only minions (Hold on to the pun for a second), but they served a purpose – Be the cloud guy’s death dealers from above.

This pokemon brings all the personality of the spiked minions without being unrolled from a ball. That’s right – this is all you get out of this pokemon. It’s name means it’s supposed to be a meteor, but all it is, is a minor nuisance you capture and bury in your pc for the entire game. Who would ever use this? It’s a circle with spikes. It probably hurts just to carry it. If it evolved into a knock off version of the cloud guy, sure, I’d be in. But no, it doesn’t. Instead, it just sits there, being useless. It’s as if Jay Bruce has taken a pokemon form.

And that’s it for this article. As you can see, there’s a lot of bad pokemon. Trust me, there’s plenty more thn didn’t make the list, but we only had so much time. If you disagreed with any of my choices, you’re probably a fan of ugly designs and terrible taste. I bet you prefer Arby’s to Wedny’s and drink Miller High Life for the full bodied flavor.

Tune in next time when we actually don’t talk about Pokemon… Maybe.