Pizza – The World’s Most Overrated Food or This Hot Take is Fresh from the Oven

In today’s society, anything you say, and I mean anything, can and will be criticized. Sure, we have freedom of speech, but unfortunately, so does everyone else, no matter how unqualified he or she may be to give it. Expressing an opinion that goes against the norm will lead to a wave of insults, DMs, tweets and re-tweets calling you plenty of words, namely “Idiot, Moron” and “uneducated piece of shit”. Even more alarming, most of the remaining words in the message will be misspelled. It’s not fun to be called these names in person. Somehow, it feels worse on-line when it comes from someone with randomized capital letters and numbers in their user name and a picture of a Japanese cartoon character. I don’t like to think of Luigi calling me a “tiny brained ass face.” At least use Bowser, you uncultured swine.

It doesn’t even matter how mild the opinion is. Nearly any statement leads to a heated debate as people hide behind their avatars to insult the opposite point of view. For instance, if you posted you’re going for you annual check up, don’t be surprised if a vaccination debate breaks out in seconds. Hell, just me using the example of a check up might lead to people linking to a variety of WebMD pages and a Wikipedia entry on the value of healing crystals.

The constant backlash on opinions has turned society into one of two people – the loud, boisterous ones that start fights with anyone, and a generation of inexpressive mutes. Rather than deal with the backlash, the latter say nothing. This isn’t just for personal Facebook and twitter accounts, but even in the professional world. Have you noticed most articles these days are either extremely outlandish, or as bland as NPR. What’s happened to the well thought out opinion piece? In 2019, it’s just as dead as house phones, TV antennas and the New York Jets season*¹.

If I ever have to write an update to this article, I won’t have to update the dead examples. Those are evergreen.

Bloggin Hood is not one to back down when an opinion needs expressing. Sure, I’m not going to jump on twitter to DM you my opinion on Colin Kaepernick’s workout, but I refuse to write down the middle. I won’t censor my articles for the sake of avoiding flame wars. In fact, I encourage it. You’re a coward if you don’t insult someone in the comments. Do it! Do it now!

Today’s piece is one that America, nay, the world needs to hear. This may be the strongest take I’ve shared on this website, but remember, my other takes have a decent track record. Not only have I gotten Baby it’s Cold Outside off the air (or modified, for better or worse), awareness of Peppa Pig is spreading. There’s even the exciting revival of a certain, purple duck, heroic duck returning to our televisions. The last two years have supported Bloggin Hood’s point of view, if you ignore all fantasy advice. This will be no different.

But oh man are you all going to be mad at me.

I debated whether or not I should write something this controversial. I could have mailed it in with a puff piece about cute dogs or express my dissatisfaction with Umbrellas. But that wouldn’t be fair to the people, who continue to live in a lie they aren’t aware of. I’m basically Neo from the Matrix, except with less sunglasses and kung-fu. I will not avoid topics that need to be addressed ²**.

Without radical thinkers, such as myself, think about how worse off the world would be.

Back in the 1770s, the colonists could have accepted their taxes and stayed under England’s rule. But did they? No! They declared independence. Imagine if they bit their tongues and said nothing? We could still be in a world where powdered wigs were in style. Fortunately, these forward thinkers put a stop to tyranny, and paying taxes on goods without representation. Today, in honor of their brave sacrifices, we pay taxes on basically everything as our elected officials give themselves raises.

Even before the American Revolution, Copernicus ruffled more than a few feathers with his “theory” that the Earth revolved around the sun. At the time, most people believed the Sun revolved around the Earth and that we were the center of the universe. The Catholic Church in particular condemned Copernicus, yet he stood firm on his believes, partially because he was dead at least 70 years before the condemnation. Why the Catholic Church was involved in Science and space was beyond me. Today, Copernicus’ work is tested daily, as the modern philosopher Kanye West believes both the Sun and the Earth revolve around him.

The Heinz company is so radical, they believe people want to buy bottled sauces where condiments are already mixed. Who’s using Barbecue sauce mixed with mustard? Or Ketchup combined with Mayo? I didn’t say all radical thinking was good, but it’s allowed. Though I think if any one buys the Barbecue and Mustard blend, they should probably be jailed for at least a month.

Fortunately, my radical thinking falls in line with the Copernicus’ way as opposed to the gross bottled sauces. And ironically, the truth I bring to you today is about food. Now, I shouldn’t need to tell you you shouldn’t combine sauces that don’t mix, but based on the eating habits I see, many need help.

I have a lot of takes on food that’ll many will disagree, but much like my main man Copernicus, I’m willing to take the heat for trying to improve society. I imagine the two of us would have gotten along, mocking people like flat Earthers. Maybe we would have started a podcast together. Lord knows if there’s one thing society needs, it’s another podcast. I’m sure Big C would have agreed with some of these food takes though.

• The Keto Diet is a bad idea – I believe you will lose weight on this diet, but I also believe your heart is strongly opposed to it. For those unfamiliar, the Keto diet removes carbs as much as possible, leaving fat as the main source of nutrition. This goes beyond pastas and rices, and includes fruits and vegetables that have too many carbs, net or otherwise. It’s a diet where squash and sweet potatoes are banned. Instead, meat becomes the main source of sustenance, cooked in various oils, and sometimes even lard. The idea is that the body will always burn off carbs before fat. If you don’t have any carbs, you’ll be forced to burn fat constantly, and lose weight quick. Call me crazy, but any diet where lard is chosen over squash isn’t for me.
• Ranch Dressing is gross – I don’t consider this even a take so much as fact. Why anyone would choose Ranch over virtually anything is beyond me. Ok, maybe Mustard-Que, but besides that. Ranch tastes bad and isn’t particularly healthy, yet people consume this stuff by the bottle. I’ve seen people dip fries in it, ruin salads with a quart of the stuff, and even commit felonies by choosing Ranch over Blue Cheese for wings. People are so obsessed over this condiment, I’m sure they could sell it as a drink.

Ranch isn’t good. At all. Stop it.

• Peppa Pig is a horrific show that degrades fathers and promotes bullying – Not a food take, but I need to bash Peppa Pig at least once a column. We were due.
• Pizza is overrated.

And here we are. The truth has been revealed. Somewhere, the founding fathers, Copernicus and Nikola Tesla are nodding in approval. A few feet away, Thomas Edison is stealing Nikola Tesla’s approval to pass it off as his own.

I know you’re angry. I can feel the rage from here. But before you start lighting torches and forming a mob, let’s get a few things straight. I’m not saying pizza is awful. It’s fine. It’s a perfectly adequate food that serves as a decent meal at any time of the day. You want pizza for lunch or dinner? Sure, it works. Want to start the day with a slice of pizza for breakfast? I’m not going to judge you, especially on the weekend. Planning to start Mondays commute with a couple slices? Well, that’s a good way to be asleep at your desk by 10 AM and jobless by 10:15, but hey, at least you can grab a slice on the way home.

Pizza is also one of the easiest meals on the planet that everyone can agree on. If you’re hosting a party, it’s silly not to serve pizza over other options. What other meal can a room full of people agree on almost instantly*** ³? Other than brief debates on toppings, which typically end with “one plain, one pepperoni,” everyone’s good to go. Well, except for vegans, but you would have had to prep options for them no matter what you planned to order. It’s the stress free way to handle children’s birthday parties, gatherings with friends, and watching sports. I’d be a fool not to recognize this.

But you’d be a fool not to recognize pizza’s undeserved, elevated status. You know why pizza is the perfect food to serve children? Because it’s kid’s food! All it is is sauce, cheese and dough. Three simple ingredients that work together. It’s barely more complex than mac and cheese, pasta with butter, and Dino chicken nuggets. There’s a reason Lunchables has a pizza offering. I’m not saying adults can’t eat pizza, but don’t act like it’s this incredible, ground breaking food.

Today we’re going to disprove several myths around pizza and prove once and for all the sun doesn’t revolve around internet commentators. I might have mixed a few of the metaphors there.

Myth 1: Pizza isn’t that bad for you.

In our health conscious society, we’re always looking for justifications to eat our favorite foods. I don’t see why. Anything in moderation is fine. The true problem is that none of us can practice moderation. I’m at the top of the list. Currently, there is a giant bowl of leftover Halloween candy, where we did not get a single Trick or Tricker. If you’ve read Bloggin Hood’s Halloween entry, where I debated whether to buy good candy in fear of eating the leftovers, my nightmare has come true. As of today, I’ve yet to eat any of it, but there’s only so long until I eat 12 Reece’s pieces, and cry on a treadmill as punishment. It’s our weak willpower that causes crash diets like Keto to exist.

To justify eating pizza, more and more articles state that pizza is good, citing that the ingredients are simple, and contain essential nutrients. Cheese contains calcium, an essential mineral for bone health among other function. The sauce typically contains tomatoes**** ⁴, a borderline super food containing a wealth of nutrients. And while most will agree the dough isn’t the best for you, as a complete meal, having a couple slices of pizza really isn’t that bad. Huh, now how come all these points ignore the thousands of other articles, typically written by the same cyber dietitians, that state all these ingredients are horrible?

Cheese is a hotly debated food for nutritionists, if a food can even be hotly debated. Diary in general tends to be an iffy part of the food pyramid. Lactose intolerance rises every year, though so does anti vaxxers, so I don’t know how credible that is. Either way, cheese has a lot of saturated fat to it, which is never good. A good pizza will be loaded with cheese, unless you like your dough plain, making each slice a caloric nightmare. And, let’s face it, you’re not just eating one.

Hell, Bob Bobberton, temp extraordinaire once ate 4 slices at lunch. He heated them in the microwave at the same time. Yes, he brought 4 slices of pizza in from home to heat up at work. This doesn’t really fit with the rest of the article, but like Peppa Pig, I’m obligated to insult Bob Bobberton as much as possible. Besides, half a pizza for lunch is a feat.

Pizza sauce should be healthy as it’s tomato based. There will be olive oil, but as all the health nuts will tell you, that’s a good fat. Add a few spices and you should have a solid, tasty, sauce. What could be unhealthy here? Oh, just the surprise sugar. Most tomato sauces, whether bottled, jarred, or made fresh, have a surprising amount of sugar content. Is it more than the 4^th Reese’s Cup I just finished? No, but it adds up – especially in a food you don’t expect to have sugar. Just like salt brings out flavors, sugar does the same without overpowering what it’s added to. It’s in your favorite pizza place’s sauce without exception.

I should not have to explain that dough isn’t good for you, but anything made with white flour is, more or less, another form of sugar. So basically, sugar on a sugar infused sauce with saturated fat on top. This is the base of every pizza. I’m not even getting into the toppings. Here’s a surprise: greasy pepperoni or sausage? Not that good for you. If anyone tries to argue with you that people isn’t a cheat meal, call them out for working at Domino’s. Just because you don’t believe there’s excess calories in the slice you’re eating doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

Myth 2: Pizza is worth the cheat meal

The argument also works in reverse. Considering I can’t even find a consistent estimate for the amount of calories in a cheese slice (the internet ranges from 190 all the way up to 450), it’s safe to say pizza isn’t a health food. For many, that’s ok. Most of us aren’t Bob Bobberton, shoving slice after slice into the microwave. We only eat pizza once a week as our reward for making it through the grind. Most people consider pizza their cheat meal, or guilty pleasure. This is fair, but there’s so many other things to have for a cheat meal instead of cheese, sauce and dough.

If I’m going to have a cheat meal, I’m going for Chinese. Is the worst of Chinese, the General Tso’s, fried rice and egg rolls, worse for you than pizza? Unquestionably. Everything is those dishes is needless unhealthy. I couldn’t estimate the calories, likely because the calculator would error out. But isn’t that the point of a cheat meal? If you’re going to go all out, follow Mike’s advice from Breaking Bad – no half measures. After that huge Chinese meal, you won’t want to eat like that for a week. If that’s your one cheat meal or cheat day of the week, you can still have a decent diet and avoid the cravings. Pizza isn’t stopping you from going back to the well later. It’s illusion of health, even knowing it’s bad for you, makes you think you can afford another unhealthy meal later that week. A month later, you’ve put on 40 pounds, have to buy a muumuu to have something to wear, and get insulted when you need to pay for two seats at the movies.

But it’s not just beyond Chinese food for me. I’d much rather have a burger than a slice of pizza. Again, if I’m going to eat something not great for me, a good burger blows pizza out of the water. The same goes for wings, or even ribs. Hell, I’d rather have a healthy meal and save my cheating for dessert, like the 7^th Reese’s I just finished. There’s just so many, better, cheat meals out there.

And not for nothing, if you’re at a typical pizzeria, consider the rest of the menu. Personally, I’d rather have a pasta dish or something like a Chicken Parm than go for a couple slices. Those other options are just better. Other than cost, I see no reason why you’d choose pizza over any of these other options. Poor Pizza, falling into the awkward status of not being a healthy food, but not being worthy of a cheat meal.

Myth 3: You can eat pizza a thousand different ways

I know you pizza fanatics. You have a counter. I know you do. The toppings are what set the pizza apart. Now you have a food worthy to pause your diet for.

But do you?

There are a few toppings that are distinctly pizza that I have to credit. Pepperoni might not exist in 2019 if not for it’s relationship with pizza. It’s the default topping and certainly ups the calorie count to acceptable cheat meal levels. Sausage is also a classic topping, and while you do see sausage is plenty of other meals, it’s a staple for pizza, so I’ll count it. Mushrooms, a true love or hate item, is also pretty distinctly pizza. They have a slimy texture and no flavor on their own, so take that for what you will***** ⁵. The last, distinct pizza topping? Anchovies. Yeah, I know, they’re gross. But other than Caesar dressing, those things don’t show up anywhere else. I didn’t say all toppings are created equal.

Now, there’s plenty of other toppings out there, of course, but nothing else screams pizza. Black olives are more of a salad ingredient, and a suck one at that, than a pizza topping. Peppers and onions are the primary filler vegetables for any cuisine. Meatball is an option everywhere, but nobody has ever ordered it****** ⁶. I’ll give them credit for having options, but nothing screams pizza flavor. They’re just there to pad out the menu.

But they couldn’t stop there. No, of course not. Instead, pizza places began producing specialty pizzas. These range from combining multiple toppings – meat lovers, veggie lovers, ect, to outlandish offerings. Now, you can’t walk into a decent Pizzeria without seeing white pies, buffalo chicken, barbecue chicken, Philly cheese steak, and vodka sauce slices. The list is endless. So yes, you’re right, you can eat pizza a thousand different ways, as long as you’re willing to eat an inferior product.

If you want the flavors of a Philly cheese steak, why would you get a slice over buying the sandwich? This is especially troubling since the vast majority of pizzerias make a cheese steak anyway. The same goes for any of these specialty pizza. If you want buffalo or BBQ chicken, order that instead. Once again, we fall into the trap of half measures – instead of pizza or another dish, the two are combined into a hybrid. It does not capture the flavors of pizza, nor the dish it tries to emulate. Did anyone ever think their buffalo wing needed to be covered in mozzarella and dough? I sure hope not.

Even specialty pizzas that focus on classic pizza toppings don’t quite work. The Meat lovers should work, but the multiple meats creating too many contrasting flavors. The idea is good, but the execution of it doesn’t work. Pizzas shouldn’t have more than two toppings on it, or else the ratios are out of balance. Especially the meat lovers, which suffers from a weight balance as well. You could ring out a slice of this and have oil for a month.

The Veggie pizza… ok, ok, nobody has ordered the veggie pizza either. Those ingredients remain unopened in the box, next to the meatball******* ⁷.

There’s even combinations of pizzas that don’t make sense. I’ve seen salad pizza, taco pizza and baked ziti pizza. Here’s a tip – if you add salad to a pizza, you’ve lost. It doesn’t work. Hot lettuce has never been a wise choice. And adding ziti, or any other type of bread to a bread based dish is equally baffling. It’s like how the Big Mac adds the third bun for no reason other than filler. We don’t want more bread – just add more sauce and cheese if you want to reconstruct baked ziti. Or, you know, get baked ziti.

I appreciate trying new pizza ideas, but there’s two that I will never except. First, the breakfast pizza. Whoever thought putting eggs on a pizza was a fool. This is who the Catholic Church should have went after instead of my man Copernicus. Not only is it disgusting, regular pizza works as a breakfast food. In fact, leftover pizza for breakfast is my preferred way to eat pizza, but that’s more because I dislike breakfast foods than anything. There’s another hot take for you. Today’s blog is spicy with a capital S.

The second pizza that shouldn’t exist is Hawaiian. Yeah, I shouldn’t have to say this, but whoever thought putting pineapple, sweet delicious pineapple, on pizza made sense should have been dumped off at the nut house. Since this was definitely am American creation, maybe we should have stayed under the Crown’s rule. Sorry Ben Franklin, but where’s my wig?

Myth 4: Even Bad Pizza is Pretty Good

I can’t believe I even have to address this, but I hear it far too often to ignore it. This is a completely untrue statement. I hear this as a version of the cliche “Even bad sex is pretty good”. Oh yeah? Well what if your partner pulls out a ball gag and a paddle? Or they dress up like a football mascot and say they’re leaving the suit on. If that’s your idea of “pretty good”, you have serious issues. You should know you deserve better.

Unless you enjoy pineapple on pizza. Then I hope the paddle is spiked.

Not all pizza is good pizza. Is all pizza edible? Technically, sure, but are you feeling particularly well after eating dollar pizza in New York City? Maybe after years of building an immunity due to rampant pizza consumption, but that’s because you’ve been settling for decades. Again, you can do some much better than this. So please, take off the Billy the Marlin costume and let’s reset our palates.

But even if you say that dollar pizza is fine, I counter with Little Caesars. Look, I’m not picky. I’ve made it clear I don’t love pizza, but if I’m somewhere we’re it’s being served, I can eat it with no complaint. However, Little Caesar is the single worst thing I’ve ever eaten. I’d eat Pineapple Pizza for the rest of my life before I ever eat Little Caesar’s again. There is no fouler substance on earth. Mustard gas was more humane than the creation of this monstrosity. If any of you disagree, please log off my site. I’d feel more comfortable that you did. After a generous donation as penance, of course.

Myth 5: Pizza is my favorite food

It may be, but I ask you one, simple question. Do you eat the crust on your slices?

Many of you will say “Of course”, and that’s fine. Perhaps I haven’t swayed you. Perhaps, you’ll continue to eat pizza at the same rate you do. All I can do is tip my cap and move on. I mean, we have photo evidence of the Earth from space, yet there’s a flat Earth society. I get it.

But if you answered no, tell me this. How can you possibly say Pizza is your favorite food when you don’t eat upwards of 20% of it? All that means is you enjoy sauce, cheese and bread. You can get that combination in 100 different ways, many of which are superior. Look yourself in the mirror – it’s time you had a talk with yourself and your diet. You’ve been living a lie. Don’t worry, Bloggin Hood offers consulting for your food related crisis. Our operator is standing by, but sadly, it’s Bob Bobberton and he’s just started to heat up his lunch. Expect to hold for at least 35 minutes.

Pizza is a good food. It’s perfectly acceptable. It’s a 7/10, a 3.5 out of 5 stars, a good meal. It would have passed it’s classes with a C- average. I’m not saying to avoid pizza at all costs. I’m saying our relationship with pizza is tied with people.

We eat piazza at parties, Friday night dinner with the family or with friends after a late night out. That community aspect is huge. Our brains are incredibly complex, despite how dumb we all are. The brain associates these positive feelings, typically caused by the people we’re with, with food. I truly believe that the country’s obsession with pizza evolved from this. Had we shared these experiences eating, I don’t know, a gyro, maybe we’d all be obsessed with coned shaped meat and Tzatziki sauce. I’m glad it’s not, because Tzatziki is very difficult to spell. I googled it four times and it still looks wrong.

So you can continue to eat pizza like it’s a true gourmet food, but I’ll stick with my superior guilty foods, thank you very much. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Well, this article was invalidated pretty quick.

1. *Congrats to the jets for beating the Washington Redskins, an organization less comptent than even them. Way to weaken that draft pick boys
2. **Unless the topic is religion, politics, current events, or tubas. Don’t get be started about frigging Tubas.
3. In the initial draft, I went on a 2,500 word tangent about mini hot dogs here. I had to cut it since we, technically, need to at least spend half of the time talking about the title as opposed to foods that live up to the hype. This is also why mini hot dogs weren’t included on my original hot take list. It’s not a hot take that they’re delicious – it’s fact.
4. ****Oh, we’ll get to the specialty pizzas
5. *****I actually like mushrooms despite this description. They are smily and don’t taste like anything on their own.
6. ******Most Pizza restaurants have a layer of dust over their meatball topping. Don’t order it.
7. ******* See above. There’s even more dust on the vegetables. They should include dust as a topping while they’re at it.