Pick Up Basketball – The Modern Roman Games or It’s Still Less Aggressive than Dodgeball

Basketball is my favorite sport. I like the way they dribble up and down the court. Hopefully everybody thought of the Kurtis Blow version of the song when they read the lyrics, as opposed to the Lil’ Bow Wow remake. We’re already ruining the legacies of movies and TV shows with remakes. Are even our mediocre 80s rap songs not sacred?  It’s delightfully 80s, corny, and abysmal all at once. Here it is for your “enjoyment”.

I’m going to try to stay on topic before this articles goes in a completely different tangent. There is a structure to these things, though I can see why most people don’t think so. Let’s all just agree that Lil’ Bow Wow sucks and move on.

Like the lyrics permanently engraved in his head from playing too many hours of NBA 2K12, basketball is, in fact my favorite sport. I don’t tend to write about it as much as football or baseball because I don’t really have a team anymore. I used to follow the Nets, but I gave up on that for at least a decade, or whenever Vince Carter’s last relevant year with the team was.

It was vastly different as a kid. I used to know every starting lineup, and could probably name most team’s complete roster. When we didn’t have cable, I’d listen to Knicks games on the radio, especially when Michael Jordan would play at the Garden. I had a Fisher Price hoop in my backyard when I would try to recreate every spectacular play I saw, including the walk and taunts. Imagine seeing a five-year old taunting an imaginary defender in a backyard. You’d think he was crazy. I was that crazy child. So little has changed over the 25 years.

Nowadays, I’m more of a casual fan. I keep up with what’s going on with the league and watch games when I can, but there’s a lot of players I don’t know. I probably couldn’t name three players on the Orlando Magic. Hell, I doubt I could name you three on the Nets. Considering the Warriors ruined competitive basketball when they signed Kevin Durant (but boy is it pretty to watch), there’s really not much juice in the regular season for me anymore. I like the big story lines, I’ll watch most of the playoffs and I’ll boo LeBron until my throat is sore, but to say I’m a diehard at this point isn’t true.

What hasn’t changed is my love for playing basketball. Since I had the motor skills to bounce a ball with some regularity, I haven’t stopped playing since. There’s been some gaps, due to injury or occasional disinterest, but it’s been a steady part of my life for 25 years. And all things considered, I was pretty good.

Ok, so maybe I was pretty good for someone who didn’t play organized ball after he was 14, but that’s still fine. I developed my game on the Jersey City black tops, and probably peaked  in college during intramurals. College intramurals are one of the closest things we have to the Roman Coliseum in today’s society. There were no rules, and the opponents’ eyes were filled with blood lust. In fact, my group of eight friends in college was once nine, but one was tragically torn to pieces by rabid basketball players never to be seen again ¹.*

No I’m not entertained. I’m bleeding out over here.

After college was when it became tougher to play. People think there aren’t games available anymore, but that’s not true. People are still flocking to courts all over the place, and basketball is just as popular as it’s ever been. I’d argue it’s in the dream situation. Eventually, football is going to end. There’s too much head trauma to continue the sport as it is much longer. Eventually, it will morph into a run and gun style, where no players are really tackled, or it will evolve into something else altogether².**. Basketball will likely rise in popularity, and may become America’s favorite sport in the relatively near future. It could take a decade, maybe longer, but I see this happening.

So I could easily go and get my fix playing basketball practically anywhere. The probably is my body isn’t so young and spry anymore. I was able close to dunking (always one of my deepest regrets), but I could jump pretty high. I was also fast in quick bursts, perfect for a fast break. Nowadays, these traits are gone. I can barely clear a quarter on a leap, and I’m pretty much only pushing into second gear when I sprint. They say nobody has defeated father time. Well father time defeated me by technical knockout 15 seconds in the first round. I blame the mini hot dogs.

I still force myself to play, though it’s incredibly frustrating. Not being able to move the way I used her to is disheartening. I can see what play I should make, but I physically can’t make it. Even my shooting, which used to be a smooth, near automatic point for my team³,*** has no rhythm. The ball could end up anywhere on my shot. It’s brutal for someone as competitive as me. I’ve tried to quit playing four or five times, but I can’t leave it alone. I love it too much. I feel like someone who keeps going back to an abusive habit – Sure, I know basketball is going to hurt me again but when things are right, it’s magic.

I clearly have a problem.

So in what can only be described as masochistic, I play basketball every weekend, usually both Saturdays and Sundays at the local Bayonne YMCA. The games start at 7 am, and usually wrap up before 10. To get in a decent amount of games, I have to be up earlier than I do for work.  I show up tired, cranky, and usually sore, and play against some kids in their prime, who can run circles around me before talking more shit than a comedian. I go home angry and swear I’ll never play again, only to repeat the process the following weekend.

Every part of the last few paragraphs make me feel ill and question all of my life’s decisions to this point. Seriously, what the Hell is wrong with me?

For those parents or prospective parents reading this column, please do me a favor. Promise me you will never let your kids play any pick up games. It’s something that will slowly ruin their self esteem forever. Instead, get them involed in organized sports, which are designed to ruin self-esteem much more efficiently. That way, you’ll know what they are getting into and your kids can figure out how to spend their free time misery free.

Pick up games are supposed to be fun, but rarely turn out that way. Trust me, as a veteran of unorganized basketball for two decades, things never work out the way they should, and I’m not just saying this because at 30, my knees creak every time I take a 15 foot shot.

For those unfamiliar with how pick up basketball works, and I assume that’s because you were big into Warcraft or on the Fencing team, I’ll give a quick synopsis. Basically teams are selected from the pool of players available. Right off the bat, feelings will be hurt. Those who were not picked to play can call the next game, where they take on the winners. The winning team stays on the court until they are dethroned. People will argue over who had next, what’s a foul, and taunt each other until a screaming match and/or fight break out ending the game. Typically, pick up sessions end between the first and second game.

Not all pick up scenario’s work this way. Sometimes these games run smoothly and all players get equal time playing. Unfortunately, this only happens in movies and TV shows. Your pick up experience will closely mirror the above scenario. It’s as sure as rain itself.

But what constitutes the average pick up session? I’m glad you asked.

Player Pool

Although there are exceptions, the players who participate in these games will fit in one of five categories.

1).Elderly – These guys probably shouldn’t be on the court with high school and college kids, but they’ll be there in large numbers. Some of these guys can still play, but most of them are broken down and can’t  move. This makes them a pure defensive liability as they allow younger players to dribble around them. Usually they can shoot, which would be a great offensive advantage, except they can’t move at all and can be covered by a cardboard cutout.

Some of these guys used to be great players and are angry that they aren’t anymore. They talk all sorts of shit to the younger players, who often don’t listen as they blitz by them and score. These players tend to be the dirtiest as well, using any trick they can to even the odds. Expect to be elbowed in the ribs shoved out-of-the-way for rebounds and have your foot stepped on while trying to jump.  If you play against multiple Elderly players, your team will likely win, but your body will pay the price for the victory.

They move like Uncle Drew… after the foot surgery…

2). Young kids – I don’t mean the college players, or even high schoolers. I’m talking about kids who are well underage for the game; typically prepubescent kids who think they have game. These kids might have game, but it’s at the sandbox and not the blacktop. They are in a rude awakening and will be pouty, moody and will only hurt your team.

There’s a difficult dilemma when a young kid plays. How does one defend against a child who is two feet shorter than everyone else in the game? Some, kinder players won’t full out guard the kid. Others will go balls to the wall, block every shot and strip him of the ball so much, it could lead to a child abuse investigation. Personally, I try to avoid games with kids in them because the whole dynamic changes. Give me a bunch of old man elbows over a middle schooler anyday.

That’s a very bad sentence out of context.

3). “I’m playing for the cardio” – These players have no semblance of basketball. They are playing for exercise, which is a noble reason, but terrible for anyone actually trying to play the game. The main issue I have with these players is they want to be involved, but accept no blame for their shortcomings. If they airball a shot, they will blame someone else for screwing up their rhythm. Often, they are some of the loudest people on the court, expecting their teammates to bail them out.

On the plus side, they do get wind spinrts in, so they have that going for them.

4). People who enjoy playing – These are the best players to play with. They may not be the best players, and are often out of shape, but they’ve definitely played a lot in the past, so the skill set it there. These players will pass and defend, two skills severely lacking in pick up games. You might not win every game with a team made up of these players, but you won’t really mind. You’ll have fun playing with these players, and that’s what really matters.

Now the odds of you playing on a team with one of these players, let alone four of them are slim to none. If pick up basketball was enjoyable, more people would be doing it.

5). The “best” players – The word best is in quotes for a reason. These players are either extremely talented, or think they are. Sometimes, it can be both. It kind of unfair to label these two types together, so we’ll have a subgroup.

Some players are very good and back it up. They might be bigger, taller or more athletic, but you can tell they’re good. The best of these players falls more into category 4, setting up his teammates, and taking over when he needs to for the victory. You won’t see many of these, but if Daenerys Targaryen can have three dragons, maybe you’ll find one of these players in your pick up career.

The worst of all players is the type that wants you to know he or she is good. They will not pass, and would rather chunk up a ton of shots because in their mind, it’s the best chance the team has of winning. It doesn’t matter if none of these attempts ever go in. They will berate teammates for not playing to their level, and will taunt the other team with uninspired lines like “Let’s go” “And 1” and “Stop hacking”. If they don’t score, they often call fouls to cover the fact that they just missed the shot. And don’t ever dream of one of these players passing to you – you’ll be more likely to give birth to your own dragon. Congratulations, by the way.

Sadly, this last group is 95% of pick up basketball players. This is what makes pick up basketball the worst. If you aren’t getting the ball, chances are, you aren’t having fun. Unless your fetish is being berated by strangers, in which case you might be playing turned on all afternoon. Luckily, it’s not just that the player pool is filled with cocky assholes, there’s also problems with the game itself.

Getting into a game should be simple enough. All you need to do is find the person who has the next game and ask to be on his or her team. The problem is life isn’t that simple. Unless you’re a known commodity, you won’t be playing on any team with reasonable talent. People want to win, especially to keep staying on the court, and you will not be picked up unless they are in need of another player or know you’re good. If you’re an average Joe, you won’t get into a game unless what we call the Leftovers have next. Not to be confused with the depressing HBO show, these leftovers only get a game when nobody is left to challenge the winners. But do they rise up and beat those preventing them from getting in the name?

Hell no. This isn’t a Disney movie. They get their asses beat all over the court.

This leads right in to the next issue with pickup games – team balance. Basically, there is none. Even when a game is starting up, the best players try to get on the same team and steamroll the competition. I get it. Basketball is more fun when you’re playing with better players. Good players know how to pass, where to be on defense, and best of all, don’t fire away 45 foot contested shots and taunt about it. Again, it’s likely when you get in a game, you’ll be up against four of the best players, who will run circles around you. Really though, you’re the only person to blame. Had you not tried to play basketball for enjoyment, none of this would have happen.

Don’t expect things to smooth out when you actually get in a game. Not only will you be blown out and forced to win another 45 minutes to play again, you won’t even enjoy your time on the court. That’s because pickup games are plagues with the following issues.

The score – If you’ve ever walked late to a basketball court hoping to play and ask what the score is, most people will have no idea. If the players pause for a half second and then answer, that means the score was made up. Most of the time they will blurt out “Four up”, which is never true. Often, this is to extend the current game, preventing any of the teams from losing their spot on the court and making you, the fresh legs, wait even longer to finally play.

While you are in a game, the score seems to increase rapidly. The other team will give themselves points on nearly every possession. I’ve been in games where there were only three shots, yet my team was down 7-1. Most teams will try to give themselves an extra point or two, or take away one of your team’s points when asked the tally. Usually, they will concede to the correct score, though they will try to argue it for a bit. Never underestimate basketball players’ desire to cheat.

Typically only one person at the court will be trustworthy enough to give the correct score. However, if he’s not engaged in the game, whether due to not getting the ball or not focusing from the sidelines, the score is more mysterious than an Agatha Christie novel. Hope that the scoring reset happens in a game you’re playing in to get the extra time on the court.

Fouls – Fouls are a part of basketball. If a defended hits you when you attempt to drive passed them or shoot, it is classified as a foul. I want to make sure everybody understands this distinction because most players do not.

The main issue with fouls is there is no refs in most pickup games. I’m not trying to defend referees, most are blind disgraces that ruin the sport. But the only people less qualified to judge a foul than a ref or the people playing the game. In these games, it’s the players who have to police the fouls. Typically, the player who is fouled is the one who must call it. You can see where the problem arises. Many of the “best” players, typically the ones that won’t shut up, will call a foul on nearly every miss. Usually they will say “And One”, which is a taunt roughly translating to “I got fouled but I won’t call it and still score” as their excuse on every miss. However, once they start struggling, you will see phantom fouls get called. When somebody questions the validity of these claims, they will continue to yell and raise their voice until most players give up. Remember, the average player just wants to play, while the loud asshole players just want everybody to know how good they are. Also, sometimes the elderly players cause ridiculous fouls where nobody in within a county mile, but you give them the call. Always respect your elders.

Now in reverse, the average player will not have any of his foul calls respected. If you’re an average player, you could get toppled over, and everyone would say no foul as there was no blood. You could use a limb and the rest would say you have three more and tell you to quit bitching. It’s hard being the average guy. You’ll be shoved, elbowed and beaten up on every play, but you’ll be at fault for breathing on the best players.

Smack Talk – Yes, Smack talk is a part of the game. Some people like to joke on the court, and that’s perfectly ok. However, others like to belittle everyone else on the court. They will criticize the weaker players and make them feel bad. They will taunt the elderly and young players. And they will do everything to get in your head and make you play horrible. I’ve been a victim of this before and I don’t want you to fall for the same traps. Remember the reason they talk all this smack in the first place.

Micro Penises⁴.****. Just the absolute smallest. So small, magnifying glasses couldn’t help locating it.

Remember, it’s a game. Play your own and don’t worry about others. If you’re not having fun, then you shouldn’t bother playing.

This moment of life advise was brought to you in part by my conscience, which requires me to say one nice thing every few months. Don’t get used to it.

In summation, pickup basketball is a game filled with dumbass jocks bursting with testosterone trying to prove they are king of the mountain. You will struggle to get on the count, and when you do, you won’t touch the ball as you are wiped out by a superior team. You will be clobbered by a bevy of knees, elbows and cheap shots, and if you miss the one open look you get, you can forget about touching the ball again. Every defensive breakdown will be your fault and by the end of your session, you’ll be so angry and so depressed you’ll never want to play again.

Until next week. See you on the court.

1. *This didn’t happen, as far as you know. Chances are you weren’t there. 
2. **Thank God Vince McMahon revived the XFL in this, concussion sensitive time. Combining extreme and football in 2018 is like letting your daughter date Harvey Weinstein – It’s not a good decision.
3. ***This isn’t remotely true. I was a streaky shooter who looked great on a hot streak, and like every other bum otherwise.  Now, I’m good at just missing shots – the ones that make people think you can still play and are just off. Well, I’ve been off since November of 2016.
4. ****This does not account for female players, I know. My basketball history has mostly revolved around playing against men so I can’t say I’ve come across too many female trash talkers. I did play in some co ed leagues where the women dominated most of the game. Besides, micro vaginas isn’t as fuuny.