One Off Project Announcement or You’re Only Getting a Mini Post Today

Before I hear any complaints, I gave you a surprise Thursday column and I’m celebrating a Mets win. Be happy there’s even a Friday column at all.

On the plus I think you’ll enjoy it. Today, we’re going to briefly discuss something that’s near and dear to my heart, and isn’t duck related. Ok, there’s a duck involved, but he’s not the star.

I think they mixed up the names there

Without question, Space Jam is one of the few true American Classic films. Sure, you can talk about Casablanca and Gone With the Wind. Give me some good old-fashioned Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny team up any day. Hell, this is the movie that inspired Michael Jordan to return to the NBA and win three more titles, cementing his legacy. Space Jam also featured the best acting performance of Shawn Bradley, so it’s got that going for it.

Space Jam was particularly enjoyable for me because I got to see two of my favorite things in action. Basketball is, my far, my favorite sport. While I don’t follow it as closely as I used to, mostly due to Golden State dominating the league for three seasons, I do still play basketball, albeit very below the rim these days, and the connection was always there. Obviously the Looney Toons were everyone’s favorites growing up. And then there was Michael Jordan, my favorite athlete at the time. You can say a lot of negative things about Jordan these days, and trust me, we’ll get to his acting in a bit, but at a time where twitter couldn’t capture his partying at 4AM and slapping teammates, he was infallible.

To the public eye at least. His teammates probably wished he went to Moron Mountain.

Let’s not forget some of the powerful stars this movie features besides MJ. Bill Murray makes an appearance, and as usual, is just a treat. There were plenty of NBA cameos, including Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, Mugzy Bouges, Larry Johnson, Patrick Ewing, and the aforementioned Bradley, who was not so much a basketball player as a hybrid tree-man. The film even had a decent showing form Newman of Seinfeld, who certainly has a name, but let’s be honest, nobody cares enough to look it up. And who could forget the performance of Danny DeVito, America’s sweetheart. DeVito portrayed Swackhammer the leader of the Monstars. I didn’t know the character had a name either. His portrayal of an evil tyrant who wanted to enslave the earth was endearing and delightful! I might be using the wrong words here.

This isn’t to pretend the movie doesn’t have its problem. Firstly, the movie tries to sexualize a bunny. It was extremely uncomfortable. I feel Space Jam made have created the first generation of furries. Sex with humanoid animals, no matter how short the shorts are is very, very wrong, and weird. You should be ashamed of yourselves, whoever actually made this movie. Anybody caught looking at Lola Bunny pictures should be forced to spray mace into their eyes as punishment.

There are also several illegal plays in this film. Notably, I was surprised Jordan wasn’t called for a walk before stretching his arm across the court for the game winning shot. The Toon Squad seems to substitute their players at will, failing to wait for a whistle or stoppage in play. Wile E. Coyote used dynamite on a play, which violations section three, subsection B of the NBA’s rule book. I’m not quite sure if animals are allowed to play at all. At times, these rule issues really take you out of the movie.

Of course, no critique of Space Jam would be complete without discussing Jordan’s… acting. Don’t worry Michael, we could tell you were acting. Boy does he struggle at this concept. Didn’t anybody think to tell him he sucked so he would get ultra-competitive? We might have ended up with another DeNiro on our hands. Jordan’s scenes are painful, and only remained on the final cut because they either had no time to film, or Jordan’s other takes were so atrocious, they were actually his best efforts. Try looking for this the next time you watch the movie. Or even better, try not to notice the poor acting. Where’s Shawn Bradley’s Oscar? He might as well have been Daniel Day-Lewis in comparison for his airness.

Shawn Bradley was a train wreck for the record. I don’t want people to believe I thought he was a good actor.

For years, the rumored Space Jam sequel has floated out there, with the top player in the NBA being recommended for the role. Shaq couldn’t have done it – his role in Blue Chips exempted him for any more movies (Also his roles in Steel and Kazaam forbade him for any more movies. At least he was an atrocious rapper). Tim Duncan couldn’t do it because he actually didn’t have a personality, other than getting bug eyes at every whistle. Kobe couldn’t do it, because he’s an asshole. While leads us to LeBron.

Yes, the sequel to Space Jam is forever linked to King James, going as far as to see the name “Space Jam 2” was recently copy written. I, for one, hope James never stars in this film. Why? Because he’s just as big of asshole as Kobe. In fact, he might be a bigger asshole. Kobe doesn’t hide who he is, which is a self-serving, arrogant douche. LeBron pretends to be cool, and hip, but really, he’s just so desperate to be liked, he’ll say and do whatever it takes. Honestly, he’s better off just being himself, instead of this fake version of Lebron. Unless being himself is trolling Kyrie Irving on Instagram like he’s a a spurned lover. No, LeBron might be the worst choice for the role.

There’s a dozen of players I’d think would be better suited for the role. As recently as 2016, Steph Curry would have been perfect. I still think he’s the ideal choice – still likeable, a marksman, and one of the faces of the most dominant teams in sport’s history. It would also be funny if Kyrie was the chosen player, and not just to troll LeBron. Irving resonates with the younger fan base and his flashy game would be great from the big screen. Hell, I’d take Lance Stephenson personally. There’s no telling what that guy would do. However, since Kevin Durant went to the Warriors, completely ruining the likeability of most of the ideal candidates, I think an obvious choice has emerged. Let’s feature the true face of basketball for the next decade.

Time to be a Baller

Why wouldn’t we choose Lavar Ball?

You think I’m crazy don’t you? Think I’m riding high on this Big Baller Brand. Well, kind of, yes. But you should be too. Ball’s antics are actually perfect for Space Jam 2 – Too Many Balls on the Court. Damn, I should copy write that.

I was actually so excited about the idea, I’’ve begun to work on a full script. When you see some of the characters I’m putting in this thing, you’re going to be amazed. I think it’s great, but since I haven’t written a script in 2 years, I’ll let you be the judge of it. All I ask is for your patience as I complete it. I’m hoping to get it out early next week. Until I complete it, there will be a delay in updates. Then again, the script could come Monday. True ballers never rest.

This is the sequel you’d been waiting for 22 years. You just didn’t know it until now…

Get hyped world. It’s coming whether you like it or not.