Officiants – The Modern Priest or Become a Minister Without the Degree in 8 Easy Steps

When you get to be my age, there’s certain lifestyle changes that occur that you can’t escape. One of the more noticeable ones is the loss of a speedy metabolism. Most people in their teens and twenties consume most of their food fried or covered in butter. However, as they reach the wrong side of thirty, those calories begin to stick (literally) to their suddenly plump, jiggly midsections. Metabolisms slow down, taking away the ability to eat anything one wants. Instead of a fried chicken, French fries, and lightly fried coke for dinner, you have to choose between eating a salad, or not fitting into a swimsuit during the summer. Based on the crowds of people I’ve seen commuting, I don’t believe it’s going to be an attractive beach season.

Another growing trend of the late 20s to early 30 age group are weddings. These people can’t get enough of them. While I myself am not married or engaged (despite a bunch of questions about it. Settle down people), many of my close friends* have either gotten married, engaged, or both in the past few years. In fact, after May of 2019, I might be done with attending weddings for a very long time, which is great for my bank account.

I was in a few of these weddings, and there’s a lot of work involved in being a groomsman. First, you have to get  a tux. Then you have to attend a long, 2-4 day party. Finally, you have to show up to the wedding and pose for a few pictures while you eat and drink your face off. I mean, you don’t even get paid for it, other than the very generous gifts you are given at the end of the proceedings. Apparently, it’s even harder to plan out the wedding. I personally couldn’t imagine doing more work than trying to put on suspenders, but I suppose engaged couples must consider the following:

Band/DJ – This is an interesting debate as typically, the band is the classier choice, but the DJ allows for more Funky Chicken to be played. Some bands are excellent but others may not be willing to learn new songs for the big day. If your band doesn’t play 7th Floor Crew (Acoustic Remix), then what’s the point?

Cost Saving Tip: Bring an iPod with 12 songs on it and hit repeat. But the time the songs make it to their second shuffle, nobody will be coherent enough to question it.

Food – It used to be that you only needed to worry about serving a chicken, beef and vegetarian dish. Now, there’s a cocktail hour and dessert spread to worry about. You also have to make sure everyone had a dinner option. You have to consider lactose intolerant people, vegans, and the picky eaters who only eat bark flash frozen from North Dakota. Also, you have to choose to either serving mini hot dogs, or showing your guests you don’t care about their enjoyment and wellbeing**.

Cost Saving Tip: Repackage everything not eaten at cocktail hour as a “buffet style” dinner. Top everything remaining from this course with whipped cream as dessert. If the freeloaders don’t like it, they can order a pizza on their own dime.

Guest Lists – How many people is too many? Do you really need you invite your uncle who likes to start fights with waiters? How about that weird friend from high school who makes inappropriate jokes wherever they go? I mean, do you need to invite everyone’s significant other? I mean, some have only been together for like 8 years.

Cost Saving Tip: Only invite people you regularly talk to. This should reduce your guest list to 16 or less.

Seating – Even figuring out where to seat people in a challenge. Some family members don’t like each other. Some friends have had a falling out. A select few might not enjoy sitting with other members of society as they’re too busy plotting with Maleficent. Trying to balance the seating chart isn’t expensive, but it’s certainly frustrating.

Cost Saving Tip: Entertain the guests by starting the evening with musical chairs. This will pick everyone’s seats for them, plus eliminate a few guests from your reception.

Location – This might be the hardest decision of all. Do you get married at a place special to your relationship? Do you get married close to one of your hometowns? Or do you get married in the middle of nowhere, where there’s no connection to anything and it’s extremely difficult to find. That usually seems like a popular option. Make those guests who came to celebrate your day suffer for it. I like it!

What I don’t like is the cost of all these things. Today’s weddings cost at least the down payment on a house, and maybe more. All this for a one day event that typical ends in divorce. When you think about it, you’re paying a fortune for the right to lose half your money. Life is funny that way.

You might think it’s the fancy country clubs and golf courses that charge an arm and a leg to get married. Don’t misunderstand, they do. If they could, these places would tie you up and strip you of everything. I don’t mean this is the kinky way either. They’d liquidate your assets, max put your credit, shred your cash and wouldn’t even return your clothes. Again, not in the sexy way. In the robbing you blind way.

You might think that churches and other religious locations would be cheaper. After all, modesty is a virtue that most religions teach is key. Well, they certainly didn’t apply that to weddings. Churches will also require you to pay top dollar for a marriage unless you want to get married on a Tuesday.

Not to mention they also need proof that you’re part of the church. This may involve lying to priests or rabbis saying you’re an active church member. Let’s be honest: 99% of millenials consider being “active” as attending church on Easter and Christmas, wearing a cross and eating fish on Fridays during Lent. If you plan to get married in a church, you’ll have to go to classes and a retreat where you discuss all the ways to raise your children religiously. Then, as soon as your married, you’ll stop the farce and go back to watching pregame coverage of the NFL.

In today’s society, people don’t have time to pretend to be religious. That’s time that can be used for sinning. In an effort to reduce costs and not pretend to be a devout, pious Christian/Jew/Muslim/Scientologist, More and more people are having secular weddings. The main difference is instead of a priest or a rabbi preforming the wedding ceremony, and talking about love, God and not sinning, you have someone else talking about love, good values and whatever else the couple tells him or her to say. Typical options to lead these ceremonies are Justices of the Peace, Ship Captains and officiants.

The word officiant sounds very formal and fancy, but I assure you, it’s not. Typically, the officiant at a wedding isn’t a professional, but just somebody who marry people as a side gig. Most importantly, they don’t cost as much as a priest, rabbi, Justice or a Ship Captain. More importantly, most officiants curse significantly less than a Captain, so they’re more friendly for grandmothers and children. Due to the reduced cost, more and more couples are turning to officiants for their marital needs***. This makes sense. As our world becomes less and less religious, and more science based (AKA Blasphemy), officiants have risen in popularity. So leave the priests and rabbis at the bar, where a pretty crappy and probably offensive joke is forming. Also if the priest is a Jesuit, the bar is his natural habitat.

One of the biggest benefits of using an officiant is that it could be anyone – a relative, a close friend, or maybe the crazy guy who rants by the Subway on your way into work. In order to be in officiant, all you need is the appropriate certification. Much like CPR training, this doesn’t require any sort of test or training. You aren’t required to give a sample wedding speech before being chosen. In fact, you don’t need any sort of skills whatsoever to become a certified officiant. That’s right, even you could be one! You see, that English degree paid off after all!

Now, if you’re the wedding couple, you do not want to pick just anyone to be the officiant on the biggest day of your life. Sorry Joe NoSkills, you’re probably not getting this gig after all. However, perhaps you have somebody in mind. Maybe you have a close friend who can’t make the cut for the wedding, but you want him or her to be a part of it. Perhaps you have a great speaker attending the wedding that you know would be better than any old guy with a white collar. Or, most importantly, you want to save a ton of cash that can go toward stocking the bar with Kraken and the cocktail hour with fine, premium mini hot dogs. It’s your wedding – that money needs to go to the important things.

Well, fear not nervous couples. Now that the expensive parts are booked, the only thing you’ll need ot worry about is if you want to spend the rest of your life with the man or woman you’re engaged to (You sure? Really? Ok, if you say so…). All of your officiant fears can be put to rest because I, Bloggin Hood, am an experienced, accomplished officiant. I know what you’re thinking – how does a person who’s attractive, brilliant and skilled find the time to juggle so many accomplishments? Well, if I told you that it wouldn’t be so special. Please, shower me with admiration in the comments. We don’t have to waste time talking about me. There’s only so many words in each entry.

Engaged couples, if you’re considering the officiant option or have already selected someone but feel nervous, you’ll be happy to know I’ll be providing a step by step guide for how to succifully officiate a wedding. You can print this out and provide it to your chosen person. Better yet, send them the link to this blog. Maybe they can throw in a few Peppa Pig Jokes.

If you’re reading and aren’t scheduled to lead a wedding, but the concept of public speaking for 20+ minutes in front of strangers, appeals to you, you can use this guide as well. You also may be interested in bungee jumping without a chord, as it provides the same thrills and is equally messy.

Step One – Get Licensed

 

You would think, this would be obvious, but again, I can’t be sure everyone reading has any skills, which includes reading comprehension.

Lucky for you that getting license doesn’t require a trip to the court house or to a notary. Today’s officiants can complete the arduous process on-line, covenant for those who don’t like leaving their home or putting on pants. Once you find your website of choice (there are several), the process will begin. Make sure you had a good meal first and don’t have plans for that day, because it’s going to be a while.

The first page will ask you to fill in your name, your address, your e-mail, and then asks you to submit.

Congratulations! You are now licensed to officiate a wedding in all 50 states, give or take a few counties in Pennsylvania (I blame the Quakers). All you have to do is have your certificate mailed to you, and then decide if you want it laminated.

You might be thinking, “Wait a second. That can’t be legal” However, it definitely is… Well maybe. Honestly, all the research I did on it seemed to be very vague, as if to avoid any legal issues by clearly stating yes. Since most laws involve technicalities and tight roping rules, things are probably fine… maybe. I recommend getting the laminated certificate, just to ensure you look more official. This is essential for the engaged couples’ parents, and anyone who you don’t know. But I mean, everything’s legit.

Probably.

Step Two – Know the Couple

There’s no question the process becomes much easier if you know the couple getting married. Even in most situations, you’ll likely know one half better, but if you’ve been friends or related to one side of the pair, it’s likely you know the other well enough. I can’t really give much advice for knowing people except to tell you don’t be someone who doesn’t talk to people for five years at a time. I suppose you wouldn’t need to worry about being an officiant that way. You probably wouldn’t have to worry about many weddings either.

If you have been chosen to be an officiant for a couple you don’t know, the first, most crucial thing you need to do is get to know them. I’m not saying to treat it like a first date, but you should look your best, arrive a few minutes early, and make sure to lay on the charm. Maybe you sell the couple’s jokes a little more than usual and complement their attire. If things go well, they might not just keep you as their officiant but invite you on another meeting. If they invite you back up to their place, you should feel flattered, but don’t do anything regretful on the first meeting. Make them earn it.

And that’s how you get to become the third wheel in an existing relationship… Wait, what was the topic?

If you want this wedding to be anything decent, make sure you do actually get to know the couple. This is crucial for step three.

Step Three – Have Stories

If you going to be performing a wedding, you’re going to need a lot of filler. Stories are the best way to fill any conversational time gap. Not only do they usually burn a few minutes, they also make you sound interesting. Many of these stories will have happened years, or even decades ago, but the audience will be captivated, believing the wedded couple, and you, the master of ceremonies are interesting people. What fools.

Telling these stories is much easier if you’re present for them, so again, score another point for knowing the couple. You want to make sure the stories you’re telling are appropriate. If your friend had a crazy night where they woke up with the entire softball team in bed with them, I doubt that’s an appropriate story. Know your audience and know your couple.

Even if you don’t know the couple, you should get some of their stories from conversation. The same stalling and filler rules apply for real life; stories fill the gaps and make everyone look way more engaging and interesting. It should be natural that they will tell you a few tales, and you should note them.

If the people you marry are being tight lipped and really only want you to do the bare minimal, don’t fall for the trap. All couples want some pizzazz at their wedding. If they won’t help, make some rash assuptions about the pair individually. Maybe one of the two likes motorcycles. Regale the audience with a fabricated tale about how he or she once fought off several biker gang members to protect his or her love (and their Harley). If one enjoy baseball, add a story about how he or she could have went pro, if not for a bum elbow, and a great sense of justice. You don’t even have to expand on the justice part. The crowd’s minds will already be racing at the possibilities.

You see how much better this is than the truth? The truth is never the answer for public speaking.

Your goal should be to have at least two stories for each person getting married, and one shared story. You don’t have to use all these, but it serve have serve as your base.

Step Four – Write a Draft

Hopefully you know this step was coming, otherwise you’ll need to go back to the top section and try again.

Understand that every wedding, and every wedding couple is different.  You won’t be able to prepare the same ceremony for two couples, unless you go the generic route. If you want to go the generic route, you can, but nobody will respect you. You might as well be the table balancing the cake. You think anyone remembers the table? No, they remember the delicious cake. You want your words to be like a moist, fluffy vanilla cake for the audience’s ears.

Don’t think too much about the analogy. It’ll hurt your brain. Since any specifics for each couple each couple are different, I’ll give general pointers to help you write a killer script.

• • Make sure to make the match the tone the couple wants. Some will want a very short, quick ceremony. Others want a serious, somber event. A few will ask for magic tricks and an inappropriate pelvic thrust toward the audience. Cater your script to the couple. Whatever you do, don’t make it too long. You aren’t addressing a nation; you’re the final gate before the crowd gets food and booze. Keep them waiting too long, and they will turn on you.
  • Unless specifically told otherwise, add some lightheartedness. A few jokes go a long way. Just make sure to keep them within the appropriate group. If it’s a bunch of younger people, feel free to make them a little dirtier. If it’s mostly 70 year olds, avoid jokes about dicks, asses or the meeting of the two. If you don’t get that, I’ll explain when you’re older.

• Unfortunately, sap will be needed. Don’t forget to add some mush to the proceedings. I know, it’s not my favorite part either, but it’s necessary.

• The unique aspects are what makes it special. This is why you need specific stories. You can explain why the two are perfect for each, or exactly how they made it to this point. During my officiated wedding, I referenced What is Love by Haddaway and took several, unnecessary shots at the groom. This is what makes a wedding, their wedding- nonsensical references that people seem to enjoy. I build a website out of it.
• Don’t forget to market yourself. Be sure to put your e-mail address in your speech and how much you charge per ceremony. If you see somebody fighting in the back, offer to learn how to handle divorces. Maybe show off a magic trick or two and say you’re available for kid’s parties. Sure, it’s not your wedding, but networking never hurts.

Step Five – Make the requested edits

Unfortunately, you can’t just go from draft to the mic. The engaged couple can, and will, review your draft and request edits. Not every one of your eggplant jokes are going to make it through, no matter how descriptive it may be.

Keep in mind that this is the bride’s day. Therefore any changes she requests must be agreed to. Do not try to fight for something you have no right to argue about. Expect to take some losses in the process. Sure, in the rewrite you can try to sneak some of your best lines back in, usually hiding them toward the bottom when eyes get tired, but any bride will have superhuman energy and senses for spotting BS. It’s a futile effort. Trust me, I know.

If the marriage is a same sex couple, be considerate of both party’s request. However, if it is a man and woman getting married, feel free to ignore any request the groom makes. Let’s be honest, the groom has to get used to this. Am I right ladies, or am I right? Besides, all the groom is going to go is encourage additional offensive jokes. You should already be at your quota, so you shouldn’t need encouragement.

Step Six – Dress the Part

After what will likely be several re-writes and even more removals of classless material, you’re finally ready for the big day. Some officiants have their outfit picked out for them by the couple. If this is the case, you don’t have to worry and can skip to part seven.

However, if you’re on your own devices, make sure to not dress like a slob. A Michael Conforto T-shirt and Basketball Shorts is not appropriate attire (apparently). Instead, you want to wear as nice, if not nicer, clothes than those in the audience. Nobody’s eyes are really going to be on your outfit, but you should be presentable. This way, when you’re jokes fail and your speech falls flat, people can at least say “Well, at least he knows how to put on a sports jacket”.

Be aware that dressing the part is more looking professional, but not looking like the profession. A priestly collar or pop robes are frown upon, no matter how tasteful they might be. I’m not saying this idea was shot down when I was an officiant, but the store had a no return policy. If anyone has a costume party coming up, let me know.

Step Seven – Battling Nerves

Before the big speech begins, you might be feeling nervous. This is perfectly natural. At this point, you’ve probably read through your speech a bunch of times. If you haven’t yet, or don’t know how to read, this would be a good time to do so. Make sure you know how to pronounce the words you wrote, pause for all of the uproarious laughter, and never speak if any music is playing. Not that anyone would make that mistake, but don’t be the first****. If the nerves are still hitting you, I have a perfect piece of advice:

Drink. Drink hard and heavy until you not only fail to feel nerves, you don’t feel pain either.

If being a total bombed presenter is frowned upon, which happens between 13-101% of the time, try picturing the audience in their underwear. This classic technique does work, but be careful if picturing the hot members of the audience in the state of dress. If you don’t have a stand in front of you, you might have to make up an eggplant joke on the spot.

Finally, and most importantly, remember, it’s not your wedding. This isn’t meant to add pressure – it means nobody will remember what you said. Everyone will focus on the couple. You are an important, but ancillary piece. You matter less than the ring, the champagne, and even the mini hot dogs.

You matter a lot less than the mini hot dogs.

Step Eight – Deliver

And then you go out there, and you perform that ceremony. Typically, after initial nerves, you’ll be fine. The prospect of all the free goods should motivate you enough. Just remember not to rush too much – you need to make sure this is legal.

Again, we’re assuming it’s legal but it’s really up in the air.

 

*I hate to use such vulgar, offensive language in my writings, but sometimes a dirty f word applies. Typically, I describe these people as distant, casual associates.

**Don’t worry married couples that didn’t serve mini hot dogs at their weddings. I’ve forgiven you. And when I get married and your invitation doesn’t arrive, it was likely “lost in the mail”.

***Hopefully these are the marital needs outside of the bedroom. If not, hope the officiant also is licensed to handle divorces.

****Or the second after me. It’s fine. I rebounded.