Office Holiday Party Survival Guide or The Right Way, The Wrong Way and the Bob Bobberton Way

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll discuss how to survive your office holiday party

Over Bloggin Hood’s 3(!) years, I haven’t shown work in a good light. Hell, even during the 12 days of Blogmas, I took a few shots at Office Secret Santa. In the Bloggin Hood canon, office work seems like a dark, dreary place where fun and happiness go to die.

So basically, this is my most accurate depiction of all. It’s even more prophetic than my Space Jam 2 script.

Typically, the holiday season tends to lax the pressure of office work a bit. By this point, many bosses have stopped pretending to do work, and either take off through the new year, or show up and do nothing. You’ll likely see more and more co-workers with their out of office messages on. It’s a time for you to breathe, knowing that things have slowed down and soon you’ll get some well deserved time off.

On the other hand, plenty of offices have insane deadlines for year end. Even if a company’s year end doesn’t fall in December, there’s always essential work. You might feel more pressure than other times of the year, knowing that if you don’t get work done ASAP, you might have to work well into Christmas Eve.

What, are you trying to work straight through to 2021? Bookmark this page and finish your work so you have a semblance of Christmas.

Or “multitask” by reading Bloggin Hood while pretending to work and then leave early tomorrow. Now that’s the Bloggin Hood way.

Whether your office comes to a screeching halt in late December, or ramps up production, December 25 is a day off for all offices. For many of us, its the time of year we look forward to the most. Unfortunately, no matter how busy your job is in December, all offices plan something to dread. Every December companies worldwide host office holiday parties, mostly from lack of awareness.

Get ready to color me green and call me a Grinch, but I hate Office Holiday Parties. Show up hands on how many of you are surprised? Sure, I can’t see the other side of the screen, but we all know the answer is none. Let me explain my position, no matter how predictable and obvious it was.

If your office is like mine, most of your co-workers aren’t the best. To put it kindly, most co-workers are abysmal, embarrassing nightmares who couldn’t make it to three with a calculator and Count Von Count helping.

Trust me, that was me being kind. You should have seen the first draft of this blog.* ¹

A minimum of 40 hours with these ruffians is more than enough. Now, I’m expected to give up my free time to celebrate with them? Does this sound like voluntary imprisonment to anyone else?

Some companies have their holiday party during work hours. I’m all for this. Sure, you’re still associating with co-workers in a non professional setting, but you’re also getting out of work. The pros outweigh the cons. Of course, if a mandatory Secret Santa is tied to this, I take back my compliments. Assuming I don’t have to watch 2 hours of awkward gift giving, I’m in for this type of office holiday party.

Sadly, most holiday parties will take place after work. These are optional, which is all you need to hear. Why put yourself in a horrific situation you’re going to hate if you don’t have to? Well, despite being optional, and despite the unsavory company, there’s reasons to attend these annual horror shows.

For all their flaws, companies aren’t dumb. I think deep down, they know employees would rather be with other people. You know, like family, friends, pets and likable humans. Therefore, incentives are offered for attending the company holiday party. Namely, they offer free food and booze. This is, by far, the main reason to attend these parties.

I’ll admit, that’s enticing, but it’s not why I would go the party. Even if they had mini hot dogs.

Ok, I’d probably go solely for mini hots dogs, but I would leave after cleaning out a tray… or 3. Even the Count would have trouble keeping track of my total.

Don’t shame me Count. You were invited as a guest. Hopefully Sesame Street’s lawyers don’t sue me.

The other reason for attending the holiday party is networking. There aren’t that many opportunities for higher ups to see employees outside of work. This is partly because us average folk couldn’t afford the places management frequent. It’s also partly because most higher ups couldn’t name a quarter of their underlings. This is why most holiday parties require name tags. Crafty.

If career advancement is important to you, the holiday party is fairly mandatory. Other than a legit excuse, you should attend. You also will not enjoy it, but hey, it’s not like you love your job either. Wait, why are we advancing our career at this current job then?

Oh right, cause money is good.

There’s also a chance that seeing your co-workers in a different light may chance your opinion on them. Maybe they’re extremely charismatic and likable away from the office. You might form a few friendships by attending the holiday party and improve your work life balance.

But let’s be honest, they won’t be. It’s going to be awkward as anything. You’ll hold a grudge for losing a night to attend a lame, pointless party. But hey, at least the appetizers will be cold.

Years ago, before Bloggin Hood was a thing, I used to write e-mails to the few co-workers I liked at a previous job. Many of the e-mails were the same format as Bloggin Hood, but exclusively tied to work. These never got out of hand. They certainly weren’t used to voice frustration at bad co-workers, inexcusable errors and the lack of promotion. We definitely didn’t develop an error scoring system and have a fantasy draft of bad employees.

We definitely didn’t develop an error scoring system and have a fantasy draft of bad employees.

Not at all…**²

One of the e-mails I wrote was a holiday party guide. It gave advice on what to do and not to do at said party. When researching what to cover for the 12 Days of Blogmas, it seemed like a perfect topic. There may not be many holiday parties in 2020, but they will return. We can all use a refresher on proper etiquette.

I’ve made some updates to my original guide. Back when this was written, I didn’t know Bob Bobberton. Naturally, I was much happier in those days. I’ve decided in addition to the Do and Don’t advise for each topic, I’ve add a Bob Bobberton section. Somehow, his actions are never good or bad. It’s a weird third category that somehow avoids being neutral either.

He’d be a fascinating guest at the office holiday party. In many ways, he’d be worth the aggravation of attending. At least until he saw you and struck up a conversation.

For each topic, there will be a Do, a Don’t and a WWBBD (What Would Bob Bobberton Do). If I ever have Bloggin hood merchandise, that will definitely be on a t-shirt or mug

Behavior Advice

Don’t Be Boring

Theoretically, if you’re attending a office party, you’re goal is career advancement. You will need to network, and being boring doesn’t help. If you’re only attending to eat a bunch, you can skip this section.

To avoid being boring, you don’t have to be someone you’re not. You just have to be engaged in the conversations you find yourself in. Pretend to be interested in whatever is being said. It’ll likely be boring as hell. Remember, other people will remain their normal, yawn inducing selves. It’s up to you to look better than that.

Make sure that you have a drink in hand. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic, but holding anything to drink shows you’re active in the festivities. If you’re looking to change departments, try to place socialize with different groups. If you see a team that doesn’t look like a horrific embarrassment, hang out with them and make an impression. Usually at holiday parties, everyone is welcoming. They’ll go back to being cold, distant and unhelpful bastards on Monday.

Most importantly, make sure to smile. I know it’s hard. You don’t want to be at this party and you hate 95% of the attendees. But trust me, smiling makes you 100% more appealing to the masses, and especially to any bosses who think their employees are sad sacks of crap. Spoiler alert – all bosses think this about their current employees. You represent the upgrade they desperately want.

Also, wait about 90 minutes before approaching any new groups. That’s usually when the alcohol starts hitting. If you go in too early, the conversation will be more awkward. However, wait too long, and the conversation might be hazy, and a bit slurred.

Do Lie:

Admittedly, this is a bit of a “Gotcha!” title. You shouldn’t lie and claim that you’re a doctor astronaut. This would be especially troubling if you work at a financial company.

You shouldn’t be overly honest at your work holiday party. If you’re being truthful, you’d admit you hate your job and desperately want to scream at most of the attendees. Believe it or not, that will hurt you standing in the company.

Consider how you fill out your resume. You don’t lie on your resume (I hope) but you certainly stretch the truth. At the holiday party, you want to follow the same guidelines. Remember if you tell a manger of a different department you are “Looking for new, exciting opportunities” it’s not a lie. Plus it sounds better than the truth: “I hate my torturous job and my shit co-workers. Save me!”

In conclusion, don’t outright lie. Instead, consider the truth like play dough, and shape it how you will.

WWBBD:

During Bob’s reign of Temp Terror, he spent most of his days talking to people of various departments. He would clock in, usually late, and immediately talk to everyone on the floor. My theory is he tried to line up his next temp job this way. In a vacuum, this is smart. He was networking, making relationships for when his contract expired. Of course, I was in charge of the project he was working on, so his failure to do any work until noon wasn’t ideal for me.

At the holiday party, Bobberton would do very well. He would talk to anyone he could, and would let others talk. This is partly because he falls asleep standing up, and partly because he has nothing to say. People would think he was engaging, mostly because people like hearing themselves speak. In reality, their impassioned words would pass from Bob’s left ear to the right, with nothing impeding their progress.

In other words, he’s dumb.

Unfortunately, Bob would lose points because he will talk anywhere. And I do mean anywhere. Let’s say somebody at the soiree needs to take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl, so to speak*** ³. Bobberton would have no problems following the person into the bathroom and talking over the stall. He’s shameless. He once rushed out of a stall to chat with me in a bathroom.

There was no flush. I swear there was no flush, and it haunts me to this day.

Food Advice

Don’t Eat Too Much

This sounds counterproductive. Half of the reason you showed up to this disaster was to cram as much free food as you could without puking. Now, don’t misunderstand me. You can still eat a ton of food. Just don’t do it all at once.

At their heart, offices run on gossip. The revenue is good too, but people care first and foremost about juice dirt on people. If your office ever had a romance, it’s all people talk about. You certainly don’t want to get involved in an office romance. You also don’t want to get caught eating 45 shrimp in 15 minutes. People will talk about it.

What you should do is eat a bunch, but space it out. If you eat four times during your three hours at the event, nobody will care. Space out your eating. Yes, this does mean you might not clean out multiple mini hot dog trays. It’s depressing, but sometimes, sacrifices have to be made.

Plus, think about how roomy your pants will feel.

Do Pounce on Expensive Food:

Now, just because you can’t eat all of the food, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t indulge on the finer things. Remember, most office parties attempt to be upscale. They’re going to have food that’s typically out of your price range. I’m not recommending to eat caviar, cause fish eggs are gross, but don’t be afraid to get some big ticket items. What kind of holiday party has caviar anyway? Unless you’re working for a caviar canning company.

Does caviar come in cans? I don’t know; I’m not a fancy rich man.

Eat things that you enjoy, of course. Don’t shovel shrimp cocktail down your gullet if you have a shellfish allergy. You’d think this would be obvious, but I know a few readers feverishly took notes there. But if you’re choosing between two items, take the fancier one. I mean it’s free. Go wild.

WWBBD:

One time, I saw Bobberton heat up four slices of pizza in the microwave for lunch. That’s an aggressive lunch. It’s tough to work hard after a feast, but Bob never worked hard, so it evened out. Also, who brings in cold pizza from home in an office setting? How do you pack and carry half a pizza on a subway at 7:15AM?

I think Bobberton would eat just as aggressively at a party. You had him salivating at the word “free”. He’d go against my advice, eating as much as possible. Of course, since it was him, people would encourage and congratulate his gluttony. He’d probably get special handouts from the party staff.. His gross, selfish display would lead to praise.

This is a completely fake scenario and I’m already furious.

Activity Advice

Don’t Avoid The Dance Floor:

I hate dancing. I’m not any good at it and feel self conscious the second I step on the floor. However, even I can recognize why this is important at a work party. You want to show people that you’re fun. I know, it sounds stupid but trust me. When have I steered you wrong before? ****⁴

This is you only opportunity to show a different side of yourself. By going out on the dance floor it shows you can have fun and you’re not afraid to show it. You don’t have to stand out. You don’t even have to stay out on the dance floor long. In fact, if there’s one of those really annoying dance circles, stand in it and clap. Don’t even participate beyond that. That’s all you need. Once your scene by a few higher ups, your job is done. Go back to sneaking mini hot dogs at a slow but steady pace.

This type of thing shouldn’t affect you career arc, but it does. Personally, I’d prefer good workers for my company as opposed to people who are willing to foxtrot. But that’s why I’m an office stooge and not a CEO. Also, I probably get annoyed by too many things to manage(Go figure).

Do Avoid Pictures:

You know how a picture is 1,000 words? It can also cost you $1,000 a month if you’re in a bad one. For some reason, office parties love to take pictures. Do whatever you can to avoid them all.

This sounds contradictory to the above advice, but there’s a huge difference. If you’re on the dance floor, people may notice you, but there’s no documented proof. Unless you did something egregious, you’re dancing will be remembered favorably. A picture is a different story.

Perhaps you’ll take a perfect photo. If that’s the case, you have nothing to worry about, Fabio. But what happens if you make a terrible face, or end up in a photo with someone who does something stupid later that night? There’s too many variables to risk when the evidence is permanent. Even worse, holiday party photos likely get posted to a company’s web page. Do you want to be on your company’s site? No, there’s too much risk here. The smart thing is to bow out of any photos.

Just like possession is 9/10th of the law, perception is 9/10th of your career prospects. A bad photo can affect a lot more than it should.

WWBBD:

Of course, Bob Bobberton will seek out each and every camera. He will smile for any picture he can, likely putting himself in the center. I’d expect Bob will put his arm around as many people as possible, probably spilling tomato sauce from his 9^th plate of food.

While your goals and Bob’s goal sound the same, they are vastly different. You want to network to advance your career. Bob wants to network to have another temp position. By appearing in photos, Bobberton will seem like he belongs. In many ways, he thinks this will force him into a permanent position. This might work. I mean, he’s already talked to everyone, including the person dropping the kids off at the pool, so to speak.

I imagine Bob would dance to every single song as well. He would definitely be in the center of the dance circle, and he’ll do the sprinkler. It would be the front page of the company’s website that Monday and people would talk about how memorable it was.

Then, he’d walk in 30 minutes late and ask if I checked the website before chatting with everyone in a three mile radius.

Conversation Advice

Don’t Talk About Your Work

Work is often the only thing you and your co-workers talk about. A party, no matter how frigging lame and dumb it may be, is not a place for work talk. You should bring up anything else to mix things up. Talk about your interests. Let other people talk about their interests. Just whatever you do, avoid the topic about work.

I don’t recommend this because work is a boring conversation. It’s because you likely dislike your job. Maybe you’re in the 1% of people that don’t despise their careers, but odds are, you’re part of the majority. No matter how prepared you are, you will give away tidbits that you hate your job. Don’t give away that information. You’re trying to network to better your career. Negativity will curl your attempts to advance.

Do Talk About Other People’s Work:

Knowing the above, your goal should be to get as many people to talk about their jobs as possible. They don’t realize you’re just trying to gather information. They believe you’re generally interest in their job. What a frigging fool. You’ll letting him blah about God knows what to see if his department is worth transferring to.

This is your opportunity to gather intel. When speaking to members of other departments, see how they describe their job. Is there any pride or excitement? If so, find out how long they’ve been there. If it’s over 3 days, you know it’s a job worth looking into.

Hell, I’d consider people who are indifferent about their work as success stories. A unfulfilling job sounds bad, but that means it’s not soul crushing. Sign me up for that massive improvement.

WWBBD:

This one is tough to predict. Bobberton would definitely like to talk about his job, but he has no idea what his role is. I don’t know if it’s because he’s worked dozen of temp jobs, or isn’t too bright. It’s likely a little from column A and a LOT from column B.

Bob would love to hear about other jobs. Like my suggestion, it gives him plenty on intel on where he could get his next six week to three month employment. His brain perks up at key phrases like Special Project, Stretch Assignment, and Catered Lunch. He would then mention odd tidbits of his past work experiences that make no sense.

I actually heard him say one time that he worked in HR for Four months without a computer. Did he work in HR, or did he spend Four months in HR trying to land a job? I’m guessing the latter.

Keep in mind Bob was hired two more times by my company after this statement.

Drinking Advice

Don’t Be the Drunkest

Listen, there’s free alcohol at these parties. If you’re going to drink, that’s fine, but please be smart about it. Your career can survive a stupid photo. It cannot survive getting sloppy and making an ass of yourself. Make sure you know your limits and don’t drink to excess.

Go Ahead and Be the Second Drunkest

The above advice doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

Here is Bloggin Hood’s greatest tip, not of the article, but of the 12 days of Blogmas. For whatever reason, upper management loves to get blitzed at holiday parties. It might be the only time they cut loose. More likely, it’s because they’re drinking cheap domestic beers instead of expensive wine, and can’t handle the hops. Whatever it is, I guarantee you, the higher up the Org chart a person is, the more hammered he or she will be.

Therefore, plan your drinking accordingly. Remember the 90 minute mark? You shouldn’t have more than one drink until you hit that point. After 90 minutes, you can lax your moderation and drink heavier. Begin to scope the situation. Once the first Vice President starts making a fool of himself on the dance floor, you could rip shots and no one would notice.

Despite this, you still want to mind your limits. That dancing VP has already made their career. Assuming they don’t cross a line, he or she will be fine. Until you have a title, drink responsibility. Unless you want your title to be “Office Lush”. Or “Fired”

I guess fired isn’t really a title.

Many people will not realize what their limits are. By the end of the party, a lot of employees will be in rough shape. They will often continue to drink at other bars, where weird shit will happen. I strongly recommend leaving any holiday party before people go to after parties. Nothing good can come of it. You don’t want to get trapped with drunk co-workers.

WWBBD

I can’t picture Bob Bobberton being a drinker. I could see him asking a lot of questions about people’s drinks.

BB: Hey, how’s it going? What are you drinking there?

CFO: It’s a beer.

BB: Oh wow. That’s crazy. What’s in that?

CFO: Umm… Alcohol?

BB: Cool, cool. Do you know who I need to talk to for a work computer? I’m still waiting for mine.

Bob would definitely go to the after party and wind up getting hit on by the CFOs daughter or something. There’s no way his completely poor performance wouldn’t pay off for him. It’s the BB way.

If you follow my advice, you’ll survive your office holiday party. I doubt you’ll enjoy it though, as office parties suck. Still, you’ll get a free meal out of it, a couple of watered down drinks, and people will remember you showed. For an after work gathering, this is the best you can hope.

Or you’d end up getting cornered by Bob Bobberton within the first 18 minutes, miss the good food and never escape the awkward conversation. Hell, you can’t even excuse yourself to the bathroom cause Bob would join you. Plus, on Monday, you’d have to hear about his date with the CFO’s daughter and that he’ll sit one cubical down for his next temp job.

Thank God there’s no office holiday parties this year. I don’t think my angry, bitter heart is ready for one. I’ll be ready for you in 2021 Bobberton. Bring on your worse.

But seriously, please don’t bring anything. I don’t want you near me.

1. In full disclosure, I originally wanted a paragraph with my co-workers as Robin Hood/Bloggin Hood characters. I had references to popular commenters Friar F7CK, Lil’ Jon and Will Karlet. I scrapped it because it wouldn’t have made sense. Also, where would new commenter David Ruprecht fit in? The Bloggin Hood canon is confusing AF.
2. **I also wasn’t the commissioner of this Error fantasy league. The leagues coaches would NOT regularly line up at my desk to discuss points and roster moves. It was NOT the saving grace of a bad bad job. Do we have enough plausible deniability yet?
3. ***We’re not talking about Baker Mayfield if you know what I mean.
4. ****In literally every blog including this one.