NFTs – No Frigging Thanks OR Who Knew MS Paint Was Worth Millions?

When I was young, I dreamed of what the future would hold. I mean, the Jetsons predicted having flying cars and robot maids. Who knew what wonders we’ve have by in the 2020s. Our only limitations were our imagination and technology growth. Oh, and the fact that the world is awful. In 2022, we don’t have flying cars or robot maids. Instead, we have a raging pandemic as just one of our growing lists of problems. Right at the top of that list are NFTs, truly a sign that society has crumbled.

Sure, I’m being dramatic, but NFTs are a self inflicted wound on our society. We didn’t have to have NFTs. We could have had literally anything else. But no, none of us will have a robot maid to clean up after ourselves (complete with sassy commentary). Instead, we get these money draining monstrosities. Fantastic. Can I reject this reality and believe in my own? If I dream it, maybe my car really will fly through the sky.

Then again, with the ways things are going, I’d run out of gas halfway and crash directly into police headquarters. We’ve talked about imagination a lot so far, but good luck thinking of a story to explain that to several officers.

Long ago, aka about nine months ago, I wrote about NBA Top Shots. This was the first I’ve heard about digital collections, and was me dipping my pinky into learning about NFTs. I didn’t know this at the time and thought Top Shot was the dumbest idea I’ve heard in a while. I didn’t bother researching it any further since I assumed it would be extinct. Boy was I wrong. I could afford that flying car if I got paid for every wrong prediction.

Because we are in the darkest timeline, Top Shots were only the beginning. Now, any time you log onto nearly any website, or God forbid, social media, NFTs are a hot topic. Some people can’t get enough of the concept and push both the creation and commercialism of the idea. Other believe it’s a troubling stain on society, and a clear scam for profit.

The remaining 99% of the world has no frigging clue what NFTs really are. Even if you consider yourself “hip” or perhaps even “happening”, you’re probably still fuzzy on what exactly an NFT is. Well, I got to be honest. This probably isn’t the article that’s going to fully educate you. Despite my constant efforts to get a .edu address, multiple judicial rulings have determined this is an entertainment source. It’s the one thing Bloggin Hood shares with Fox News.* ³ read not one but two(!!) articles on NFTs. I practically have a doctorate in the subject now. And since this issue has become such a hot topic, I want to pass this impressive knowledge on to you, the people.

I mean, you should probably really read some other articles. But after going through the catalog of Bloggin Hood. I mean, one of your New Year’s resolutions was to read more, no? Why not study up on the terrors of Peppa Pig?

In order to truly discuss the topic, we have to ask the obvious question.

What is an NFT?

Absolute, 100% scam bullshit.

Now in conclusion, I hope….

Ok, ok, fine. I’ll try to describe it as best I can, but I think bullshit will be our best definition today.

NFT stands for Non Fungible Token. I know I’m not breaking down barriers by explaining the acronym, but can we talk about it for a second? Doesn’t fungible sound like a cross between a disease and a mushroom? Maybe it’s a disease from eating mushrooms? It’s not a great word. No wonder the creators settled on NFT.

For the record, I do know what fungible means. And no, I wasn’t stalling for time as googled the definition. It means easily replacement. You can swipe out a fungible item for an identical one. If the batteries in your TV remote die, you can replace them with another set of batteries. The batteries have high fungibility. God that sounds dirty***. ⁴.

NFTs are therefore, one-of-a-kind items. If you owe an NFT, it is not fungible. I mean, it’s in the name, so it must be true! In theory, the value of these items are being the first edition of whatever the token is. There may be other copies or versions of it, but the original is the NFT, and where the perceived value derives.

In 1889, Vincent Van Gogh painted Starry Night. This is one of the most famous paintings in history. Today, you can have a replica of the painting in your living room. Starry Night appears as book covers, phone backgrounds, and in parody images. There’s a picture that uses Starry Night as the background for a Dragon Ball Z fight for Christ Sake. Is nothing sacred?

The original Van Gogh painting is, by the loosest definition, an NFT. It’s the original work, and despite the ability to mass produce it, remains one of a kind. Van Gogh only painted one Starry Night after all. The original of a beloved painting is going to fetch a pretty penny, and there’s a reason it hangs in a museum.

Now, these mass produce duplicates don’t have the same level of detail and work put into them. However, for a fraction of the price, you can still have a decent substitute for the real painting in your home. Is it quite as good as the original? No, but it’s close enough. While I’m not exactly an art expert, I think we can understand how the original is extremely valuable despite there being an infinite number of copies. There’s only one original painting. Its non fungible.

See? I’m getting the hang of it.

NFT’s values derive from this same concept. The original token, typically an artwork is the original. No matter how many copies of the token are made, they will never replace the original item. This is why NFT prices seem so insanely high. People are attempting to purchase the next Starry Night by having the original token. There’s just one small flaw in this strategy.

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With a painting, you can tell the difference between a true work of art, and a copy. Sure, not every person in the world can make this distinction, but there are trained professionals who agree which Starry Night is the OG. The textbook NFT is a digital image. Once produced, another individual can copy and paste the image to their device of choice. Now, there’s some coding that can differentiate the two, I’m sure, but for all pratical purposes, is there a difference in these two images?

I don’t believe there is. I’m sure the NFT bros and broettes will argue the same against Starry Night, but at least that’s a tangible, physical object. Not everyone can hang that in their office. One person’s JPEG file can be literally every one’s JPEG. If you buy an NFT, you’re paying strictly for code that states it’s an original. Is there honest value in that? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Of course, there’s a correct decision and a moronic expensive decision there, but I’m not one to judge. Unless you’re planning to scoop up some NFTs. Then I’ll judge harshly.

Is there any benefits for NFTs?

In theory, there sure is. Of course, there’s also potential upside for chugging a gallon on milk that expired in 2012. I guess that would be a complete solid though. See? There’s some upside. You got “cheese”. You also would have five seconds to live, but let’s stay positive.

In a perfect world, the benefactors of NFTs are digital artists. While these artists don’t use traditional mediums, there work remains impressive. They face a challenge that Van Gogh never did – piracy. Sure, perhaps the original Starry Night gets stolen in an Ocean 11 style scheme (I’d watch that movie), but it’s not likely. Digital artists could have any work stolen with a few keystrokes.

It sounds trivial, but a simple right click and save as could ruin a digital artist’s month. It’s not very difficult to pirate copywriter material on the internet. Look at your music library. Did you pay for every song in it? You’ve used Napster or Limewire at some point in your life. Don’t worry. You can admit it. This is a safe space.**** ⁵

At least studio music artists get paid well. The impact of pirating a small, digital creator is brutal.

NFTs could help authenticate the original work. In a perfect world, this would help shore up the small creator’s original art, and hopefully maximize their earning potential. And while I’m not looking to expand my digital art gallery, it somebody wants to pay handsomely for a commission, why not? Somebody gets a desired piece of art, and the creator gets paid. Seems like a win win.

Of course, even in this Sesame Street style world, this doesn’t cover any protection against piracy. Sure, the original is guaranteed, but there’s likely thousands of copies floating around. And as we discussed, there’s a big difference between a physical painting and a digital one. I don’t have an answer for this, and honestly, I’m not sure who does. Can we disable right clicking and copy and paste functions? I’m sure that wouldn’t have any repercussions.

At least there’s some positive spin on this?

Ok, so what’s the negatives then?

Literally everything else. As Dr Cox once said, people are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. Once there’s a chance at profiting off an idea, the worst of the worst come out to participate.

For every quality image labeled an NFT, there’s at least 50 crap ones. In fact, people are mass producing absolute horse shit and selling it. These are making thousands of dollars. It’s absolutely insane. For example, somebody legitimately wrote the word Test and it sold for $270,000. Buying low effort MS Paint drawings for thousands is problematic, but this is a sign we’ve failed as a society.

I need to level with you for a moment. Originally, I was going to draw a penis and balls in MS Paint to emphasize how stupid this is. You know, class up the blog a bit. Ultimately, I decided against it for two reasons. Firstly, I was afraid somebody would try to make me an offer for the “Dick and Balls” NFT and I’d have to deal with that. Secondly, this definitely already exists. I can’t get sued over genitals. That’s what I need on my resume. You know the penis NFT definitely went for 5 figures.

For a second, I considered googling “Penis NFT” but stopped myself. See, this brain isn’t all mush yet.***** ⁶

NFTs haven’t stopped at still images and GIFs of course. Just like the universe, the desire for profit is infinite and ever expanding. The most predictable NFT genre is memes, which honestly is ironic. Like, wouldn’t the concept of NFTs make a good meme on its own? Needless to say, these sell for more than most of us make in a year. I believe I mentioned this in the Top Shot blog, but Nyan Cat, a flying cat with a pop tart on its back, sold for $600,000. We’re being mocked, aren’t we? Maybe a non NFT meme we’ll cheer us up.

Now if it stopped here, it would be too much, but there’s more. Apparently, NFT fiends are trying to sell screen shots of famous people’s internet profiles, such a YouTube accounts and Twitter bios. For starters, this has to violate at least a dozen laws. Even beyond that, who the Hell would possibly want to pay for this shit? I don’t even want my own social media. Why would I want to pay for an image of somebody else?

There’s rumors that voice clips will become NFTs. Great! Let’s commercialize that too. The last thing I need is somebody recording me mispronouncing words and having that copy and pasted throughout the internet. If we have to make NFTs, can we just stick with art? No?

In fact, there’s been arguments that anything, including real life objects, are NFTs. Well, look at that Van Goff, you made it to the modern age! Personally, I think this is just to classify everything as an NFT to give more legitimacy to MS paint style dick drawings, but that’s just me. I’ve seen augments that articles could be sold as NFTs. Imagine paying for the original Bloggin Hood article that says NFTs suck and are a scam? That’s almost ironic enough to make me want in.

Now, in nearly everything I’ve written, I’ve joked about being a sell out. But, there’s no way Bloggin Hood is going the NFT route. Well, at least until I see a price sheet.****** ⁷

How are NFTs guaranteed?

Great question. There are two key components to securing any NFT purchase. If you thought things were shady before, wait until you finish this section.

Component 1 – Digital Wallet

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I have a wallet in real life. I know, I shouldn’t admit to my vast wealth, but it’s the truth. There’s nearly $40 in cash, along with a basic credit card, a Stop and Shop member card and receipts from things I don’t remember buying. I can’t wait for my upcoming episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Does that show still exist? I just want to hear the voice over guy talk about my receipts in his fancy ass accent.

NFTs also use a wallet, but naturally, this one is digital. A digital wallet isn’t going to store cash. I mean, why would you put the money into it? A scanner. Hmm… Maybe I need to buy a scanner.

Traditionally, these wallets store payment information – things like credit card information and passwords. I’m guessing 99% of the readers are aware of this, but maybe in the future, historians will cite this Bloggin Hood paragraph in history textbooks. That’s much better than the paragraph where I confessed I almost googled NFT penis.

The information is encrypted to be secure, and makes online purchases much easier. It can even help at physical stores, assuming those still exist, as more and more businesses accept payments off of phones. Conceptually, this is a great idea. Some people will have reservations on using digital payments, but I mean, your phone basically tracks you at all times, so that’s just silly.

I, foolishly, assumed that any NFT purchases would also go into your digital wallet. Well, that’s not entirely true. Instead, your receipts of any NFT purchases go there. Or, at least that’s what I gather. Information on this topic is sketchy and unclear. Who would have guessed?

Basically, the digital wallet confirms your NFT purchase with a receipt that says you own the MS Paint Dick and Balls portrait. However, the NFT itself is still in cyberspace, viewable by everyone, with no indication that it’s owned. Sure, other people can save as your possession, but at least you have these meager digital paper slip nobody else can see. Oh good. I definitely don’t feel a future economic collapse coming on. At least there’s a second component to this to make us feel safe.

Component 2: Cryptocurrency

God dammit.

Yes of course. If there’s anything that seems sketchy, Cryptocurrency is involved.

Look, I’m not sure I’m explaining NFTs that well. I won’t even pretend I understand the mechanisms revolving around crypto. I didn’t understand it when I wrote about Top Shots, and I sure don’t now. The idea is obvious – it’s digital currency. What I don’t understand is how people acquire it. Farming Bitcoin sounds like an elaborate way of saying I commit minor crimes.

NFT value is definitely tied to Cryptocurrency, which makes sense since both might not have any true value. Sure, there’s millions of reports that digital currency value constantly rises, but its also really volatile. The stock market rises and falls, but crypto values are a true roller coaster. I’m a 34-year-old boomer, so I might be way off the mark, but nothing about this feels safe and secure. It seems like one day, all the value tied to these will disappear, and a few people at the top will make all the money.

I wouldn’t call Cryptocurrency a pyramid scheme as I understand those. I mean, scheme is in their name for Christ’ sake. I’m just saying that Cryptocurrency is structured where the people higher up on the chain will make the most money, and the people at the bottom will be ruined. Hmm… I wish there was a name for that. Ah well, maybe it’ll come to me.

This isn’t even factoring in all the energy concerns crypto has. But for all I know, the entire currency is really a Bond villain esque plot. They aren’t just trying to use every resource to turn a profit. They intend to drain the oceans until their demands are met.

Ok, maybe not, but either way, Cryptocurrency being tied to NFTs is the least surprising part of this. I was out on these things at the beginning, but now even more out.

Ok, if you’re so smart, why are NFTs selling for so much?

Finally, a question I can confidently answer. This is a combination of two factors – greed and the fear of missing out.

When there’s potential for profit, people will participate, even if the concept doesn’t involve alliteration. I don’t know exactly how NFTs started, but I imagine it was more innocent. A digital creator, or a group or creators, wanted to protect their creations and ensure they could make a living of them. Then, people more concerned with adding to both their digital and physical wallets entered the fray, and things took off from there. This latter group tend to be better at marketing and making things seem like sure investments.

Once the marketing push and buzz started, money quickly followed. Honestly, the quality didn’t matter, as seen by the Test NFT. People who had extra money in their pocket wanted to get involved. NFTs seemed like an investment, one that could pay significant dividends in the future. In a lot of ways, it mirrored the Cryptocurrency boom. One day, it seems like a wild idea; the next, everyone is shelling out thousands of dollars to participate.

Also, I wouldn’t rule out the current price inflation adding to NFT’s “success”. Many people in the 18-35 range can’t afford houses. A lot of their plans have been paused due to the pandemic. NFTs allow them to own something, even if it is a poorly drawn penis in MS Paint. It’s not what I would want to do, but I get it to some extent. It’s probably not going to help the housing market though. If people spend six figures on a digital cat wrapped in a piece of bread, something tells me a house will cost a few dollars more. It’s cool, I wanted to rent until I was 70 anyway.

Of course, I’m understating the obvious reason for NFTs – people are morons.

Where do NFTs go?

I hope it’s like many of the fads in the past. Remember when Tamagotchis were big? Now, you’d struggle to find anyone under 30 who remembers them. Of course, Tamagotchis didn’t cost annual salaries, so it might not be the best example.

It’s impossible to know, but as long as people buy NFTs, they’re here to stay. For every honest artist trying to protect themselves, there will be at least one grifter, looking to profit off the masses. It’s sad, but it’s also true. The NFT market will be flooded with mass produced items. Quantity will overwhelm quality. Truthfully, we were there once MS Paint images were sold.

Eventually, I’d guess the uniqueness of NFTs will wane. People interested will have already brought their share. It’ll be difficult to sell new NFTs, other than the actual, genuine good ones. This sounds like a positive but think of the millions wasted on crap. It’s an ugly scene.

I think ultimately, NFTs will be sold in shares, similar to a stock. I’m sure this is probably happening now, but the practice would be widespread. If these costs remain as astronomical as they currently are, this would keep NFTs afloat, at least for a little while. Then again, maybe in 2075, you can leave your $2,000 worth of MS Paint Dick and Balls shares to your grandchildren. What a magical moment.

Most ideas start of with good intentions. NFTs likely began in the same way, but quickly morphed into a go get rich quick scheme. I feel incredibly old not fully understanding it, but at least I’m not falling for the trap. I’d recommend doing the same. Now that I’ve said this, watch NFTs somehow raise everyone’s wealth and I’ll be the one loser on the outside looking in.

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Remember, if you see any Bloggin Wood NFTs out in the wild, that’s unlicensed merchandise. I would never make an NFT.

Now if you want to send me $100 and get nothing in return, feel free. I’m providing you roughly the same value as your average NFT – a random file online. Plus, I’m being honest about it. I just like money. And how can you argue against that?

3. *I have a weird feeling there’s going to be at least one interesting commentator referencing that line. ¹

   Still, based on the fact that the phrase NFT appears on my screens 2,000 times a day, I had little choice. Bloggin Hood did something he swore off since college – educating myself. I really put my English degree to good use.** ² **I have an English degree and make how many typos?

4. ***Originally, I was going to use CDs as the item. Yeah, I’m the opposite of “with it” at this point.
5. ****If anyone reading this article has admitted it, you’re a fool. The FBI should be breaking down your door by the end of the article. Sucks to suck.
6. *****At no point did I consider that drawing a penis might have been too crude or childish. That was never considered. I was more concerned by being confronted by another MS Paint Penis Drawer. Yeah, that brain isn’t mush all right.
7. ******Look, if someone wants to pay for a Bloggin Hood original, I’m not stopping them but everything I write goes on a free website. But I’m not making an NFT. And if someone hacks this website to do so, good for them. They deserve it.