Mini Hot Dogs: Nature’s Perfect Food or Bloggin Hood’s First Positive Post

Readers, I’m embarrassed for both myself and the website as a whole. In five years, we’ve covered a wide variety of topics, with only a few repeating themes. Ok, ok, 90% of Bloggin Hood is a rehash of previously posts, namely Peppa Pig. In all of the hate, I forgot how important love is to the world. What symbolizes love more than Mini Hot Dogs, nature’s perfect food?

You know this shit is going to be good when the title is in the first paragraph.

I’ve referenced Mini Hot Dogs plenty of times, but it’s long overdue for a feature. I think the reason I skipped the topic is obvious; anyone with a functioning brain knows that Mini Hot Dogs are one of, if not the, greatest experiences of life. In fact, it is correctly listed as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, before Stonehedge, but just after video footage of Endy Chavez’s catch in game 7 of the 2006 NLCS.

Unfortunately, functioning brains are endangered in 2023. Look at TikTok trends, or whatever cesspool is going on X.* ² But before we cover the holiest of appetizers, let’s first disprove a few myths on Mini Hot Dogs. These antiquated takes were started by Satan himself.

Real Hot Dogs are just as good as Mini Hot Dogs.

No! God no! This opinion is what’s drawn poor misguided people away from Mini Hot Dogs. This is why you can’t believe everything you read on the internet… with the exception of the content on this site. We’re legit, obviously.

A regular Hot Dog is little more than a low budget sausage. Its mass produced with low quality meat and held together with a variety of nitrates and chemicals. I’d argue the Hot Dog package wrapper is more natural than the contents within, and maybe more nutritious. They do taste ok when they’re grilled, but that’s a testament to the power of Barbeques and good toppings.

Mini Hot Dogs are way different. Each Miniature Hot Dog is hand crafted by food engineers who have spent years perfecting their work. The ingredients are handpicked and pass numerous quality tests. It’s a prestigious honor for a member of the food industry to be promoted to Mini Hot Dog maker; akin to becoming the head chef of a Michelin restaurant.

You might ask, “Why have I never heard about this specialty before?”. I don’t know why you’re asking questions in the middle of the blog… again. Why do you have to keep asking so many bullshit questions, you asshole?

I’m not here to push any conspiracies, but, Mini Hot Dogs are a craft food while regular Hot Dogs are mass produced drivel. Of course, the Hot Dog and Sausage corporations want to push the cheaper product. That’s why all commercials involving cookouts or barbecues always have full sized Hot Dogs. It’s to stay relevant. We saw how this group handled the infamous “Is a Hot Dog a sandwich” debate; they’ll clawing for any relevancy they have. Plus the products remain profitable. It’s tough to turn down Big Sausage*** ⁴ but the best way to enjoy them is to make your own. Nothing tastes better than a homemade meal.

To be clear, the Mini Hot Dogs will be premade, the dough they will be wrapped in is premade, and the dipping sauce will be premade. Still, these will be homemade because they are made in your home. Plus you wrap the dough around the hot dogs and maybe use cooking spray. That’s one step away above most chain restaurants.

I know you’re desperate to have some Mini Hot Dogs now. Before you run into the store and verbal assault the employees for directions to the ingredients, let me help. Bloggin Hood will give you his personal seal of approval on each needed ingredient for the perfect mini hot dog. Just be sure you’re 21 or over to enjoy.

I’m talking about the portion size. If you eat less than 21 Mini Hot Dogs in a sitting, what are you even doing?

The Mini Hot Dog

A few years ago, Mini Hot Dogs were rare, outside of the frozen section of the supermarket. You were forced to take whatever brand was available. Honestly, this was still really good. It’s a Mini Hot Dog; how could it possibly be bad? However. There is always room for improvement.

Lately, meat companies have realized their decades of failures. Most companies now produce their own product of Mini Hot Dogs to be made “from scratch”. In the Hot Dog/Sausage section of your local grocery store you can find a few crude dick jokes, but also half a dozen Mini Hot Dog options. Some regular Hot Dog companies will sell packages, notably Sabrett. However, if you want to do it right, go with Hillshire Farm, who is not a sponsor, but really should be.

Come now Hillshire Farms. Give me cash.

Hillshire Farm themselves have a couple of different varieties. In addition to the standard Mini Hot Dog, there’s a variety of Lit’l Smokies. Yes, that’s how it’s smelled per the website. Despite reading like a rapper from the early 2000s, The Lit’l smokies line is far and away the best Mini Hot Dog available. I’ve seen all BTef and turkey, but the standout of standouts is the regular Lit’l Smokies.

Lit’l Smokies don’t box themselves in with one type of meat. No, they’re far too delicious to box themselves in to be poultry, red meat, or a combination of the two.  I’d expect it to be pork, but there’s really no way to know 100%. I’m not some dweeb who’s reading the ingredient list, even though it’s right above this paragraph. That time is for eating more Mini Hot Dogs. Regardless of the combination of meat, these are incredibly good.

Since these are by far the best of the Mini Hot Dogs, they are rare. If a store carries them, Mini Hot Dog aficionados will line up like Black Friday whenever a new shipment is received. The shelf will be empty after 8AM, so if you want to experience the best Mini Hot Dogs have to offer, you need to get up early. Or, you need to request a delivery and make somebody else get up really early. The choice is yours, but it will be worth it.

Unless your delivery person is re-routed to Bloggin Hood Manor by completely random chance. Repeatedly.

The Dough

A good dough helps turn mediocre or bad fillings into something special. But when dough is allowed to work with the perfect protein, well, the sky is the limit. You can eat a quality mini hot dog without any sort of carb. Lit’l Smokies are good enough where it could work, but if you’re one step away from perfection, why stop? Breaking Bad taught us not to have any half measures. It gets messy and violent, and we don’t have time for that.

At many weddings or dinner parties, the Mini Hot Dogs served might be called “Cocktail Franks with Puff Pastry”. These are fantastic, and certainly a treat whenever available. But if you’re making Mini Hot Dogs at home, you aren’t making a fancy ass dough. Plus, any store brought version of puff pastry isn’t up to the standard. Fortunately, our friends at Pillsbury have us covered.

Crescent rolls are the perfect complement to any Mini Hot Dog, but especially Lit’l Smokies. I think all the saturated fat from the Smokies combine with the trans fats of the Crescent roll and create a new type of super fat. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean like a healthy fat found in an avocado. I mean a dangerous super fat that probably causes organ inflation, clogged arteries, and an automatic ass jiggle for at least a week.

It’s frigging incredible.

There’s a shocking amount of Crescent Roll varieties. You’d think it would only be altering shapes, but there’s enough variety where you have a choice. All of them are decent, but I recommend Butter Flake. Do not get the reduced fat ones. Look, don’t bother trying to cut the calories here; it’s a minimal reduction and you lose the flavor. Mini Hot Dogs is one of the most dangerous foods in the world – if you’re going to make it, make it right, damn it.

This is also one of the few times I definitely recommend buying the brand name over the generic. There’s something about store brought Crescent Rolls that don’t pop. Again, if you’re going to make these, make them the right way.

Finally, if you want a variation, try the Pillsbury Cornbread Swirls. This makes it into a Mini Corn Dog, adding a touch of sweetness to the product. I do not think this is better than the standard, but if you’re having a big party, or don’t want solid heart function, make a tray of each. Your taste buds will thank you.

The rest of your body will not.

The Spices and Herbs

What? What kind of stupid question is this?

Spices haven’t been added to a good Mini Hot Dog, well, ever. If you look at the nutritional contents of the above ingredients, and I don’t recommend this, there’s plenty of salt and fat to provide flavor. Touching either of these with any sort of spice is an affront to God, and that’s putting it mildly.

Some Mini Hot Dogs add herbs to enhance the flavor. Why are we putting natural ingredients on a Mini Hot Dog? These are polar opposites, and in this case, opposites do not attract. Keep your greens out of Mini Hot Dogs. The Smokies and Crescent Rolls have plenty of vitamins and nutrients already*****. ⁵

Preparation

A standard Crescent Roll pack has eight crescents. Each Mini Hot Dog pack comes with approximately 40 Lit’l Smokies. Therefore, you want to wrap 5 smokies for each Crescent Roll. It’s not a perfect ratio because some of the Smokies packs will have a couple extra or a few less. I typically start conservatively with my Crescent Roll usage (more like six dogs per Crescent) until I have an idea of how many remain. Sure, you can count them, but that doesn’t factor in the size differences.

Look, trust me, I have a system and it works.

Keep in mind that if you are conservative with your Crescent, the dough will stretch and expand when baking. You can make a small amount go a long way. You can also return to the earlier wrapped Mini Hot Dogs and add more dough if you ended up being too conservative. The beauty of the food is there’s plenty of opportunities to fix any imperfections.

If you’re using the oven, you want to line a baking sheet with foil or parchment paper because Crescent rolls are stickier than glue. Definitely give the foil/paper a good layer of cooking spray. This might help with browning, but really, it makes sure you don’t lose two crescent rolls worth of dough. Follow the instructions on the Crescent Roll tin.******⁶ I’d add an additional minute or two to the stated time, so they crisp up just a bit more.

Oven Mini Hot Dogs are fantastic but tend to be a bit on the doughy side. I won’t lie, I like doughy Crescent Rolls, but your mileage may vary. It’s rude to question a certified Mini Hot Dog expert, but I like the moxie. If you want more crisp Mini Hot Dogs, I’d recommend the Air Frier. Most Crescent Roll varieties now have Air Frier directions, and they come out great. Just remember to add an extra minute to factor in the Lit’l Smokies.

Or, if you want to be really bold, make a standard Lit’l Smoky and Crescent role in the oven, and the Cornbread ones in the Air Frier, to really try and get the corndog texture. Now that’s classy as shit.

The Dipping Sauce

I’m going to be frank on this,******* ⁷ Mini Hot Dogs only have one acceptable dipping sauce and its mustard. I will not hear an argument for anything else. On a regular Hot Dog, you’re welcomed to add ketchup, relish, or any sort or weird condiment you want. I’m not like a Chicagoan, who as I understand will slap a hot dog out of your hand with improper dressing. And then they’ll slap you for the Hell of it.

However, a Mini Hot Dog is a delicate, perfect little angel. It shouldn’t be sullied with processed sugar tomato sauce, aka ketchup. Also, relish on a Mini Hot Dog is just a waste. Mini Hot Dogs are too small to truly be topped with things, so Relish doesn’t work.

Also, relish sucks.

If you’re a child and like dipping Mini Hot Dogs in ketchup, I have no problem with it. But, I do recommend learning to enjoy mustard or eating your mini hot dogs plain. By the time you get into high school, there’s some real Mini Hot Dog zealots that will insult you really bad if you don’t eat them with the appropriate condiment.

Am I the only one who experienced that? And by experienced that, I mean I was the bully.

As long as you’re in the mustard category, it’s fine. You can pick your favorite variety – Spicy Brown, Whole Grain, Fancy ass imported mustards. Hell, even the old reliable yellow mustard works, though it’s low on the list. I think a honey mustard can be good as a pop of sweetness, but personally, a Dijon is the top of the list. However, you do you. It’s a mustard democracy.

But never Ketchup. And God forbid you ever consider ranch. I doubt anyone would commit such a crime, but if you do, I’ll know. Trust me, I’ll know.

In Conclusion

Mini Hot Dogs are the perfect food for celebrations. If you attend a wedding without them, pack up and leave. If they skip this crucial part, the food’s going to suck. Plus, they probably do the weird traditions, like the garter. Who wants to see that? I’d rather just keep the passed trays coming and stopping at my seat. A Mini Hot Dog tray has never made it past Bloggin Hood, and I damn sure won’t ruin tradition. But as always, everything in moderation. It’s easy to fall victim to Mini Hot Dog Addiction, and the results damage society.

When I was younger, I knew a guy obsessed with Mini Hot Dogs********* ⁸ . It became his personality. As time progress, the Mini Hot Dog became too boring. Poor guy started making each mini hot dog an event, with fancy new ingredients, and dipping sauces beyond mustard. He started smoking them, sometimes twice a day. The holy, cherished food was basterdized until he was pleased. Anyone who turn a Mini Hot Dog into something else is incredible offensive. But this guy didn’t care. All he wanted was to innovate something that didn’t need it. We don’t reinvent the wheel every week after all.

Oh, and this man’s name? Bobby Flay. You sure as hell don’t want to be like Bobby Flay, do you********? ⁹ Of course not. Nobody needs to be that full of themselves and that pompous. If you want that in your life, flip on professional wrestling. It’s the same thing with way less clothing on. Maybe you’re into that. I don’t know.

What I do know, is to practice caution when consuming Mini Hot Dogs. You don’t want to operate heavy machinery on Mini Hot Dogs, because you will be sluggish and full. If your pregnant, consult your doctor before consuming them, because the baby will develop a craving for them. They don’t have teeth, so this is a problem. Babies shouldn’t be eating Mini Hot Dogs whole. No, they should be blended together with their formula so it’s in an easy to consume way for them.

Speaking of weddings, for those readers attending my wedding in a few weeks, note that I will not follow what I preach. I will be eating Mini Hot Dogs out of the tray, and God help you if you get in my way. I will push you to the ground and stomp on your chest for a sniff of one. There’s two notes in our wedding file at the venue. Both notes mention me getting Mini Hot Dogs. No one, including even the loyalties of Bloggin Hood readers, will stop this. I will get them, but any means necessary.

I’m also not addicted. I can quit anytime, but why would I want to?

Hopefully, this will encourage each of you to enjoy some of these delights very soon. And hey, despite the wedding, I’m free to show you some pointers. If it’s your first time making them, I’ll even offer to taste test first, just to ensure the flavor.  And if it’s not your first, time, I’ll taste test them to much sure your technique is perfect. I’ll do all these for a surprisingly high fee and a significant portion of the tray, with samples not counting. I’m a people person.

But seriously, if you’re making them, I’ll be staring through the window. Don’t bother calling the police. They know the deal by now.

Hmm… Maybe positive isn’t the right choice of word for the title. Ah well, too late now.

2. *That’s actually twitters name now?! I thought it was a joke. [/Efn_note] Not a lot of high-powered thought in the social media landscape. Surely, even these dregs of society would recognize the purity and goodness of a fine Mini Hot Dog, right?

   No, of course they don’t. This is why we can’t have nice things. People are too ignorant to enjoy fun and whimsy. These morons probably prefer a bark and kale salad. So, really the same ingredient twice.

   It’s my civic duty to write this public service announcement explaining the wonders of the Mini Hot Dog. I take this the as my second biggest honor of the year, only surpassed by my wedding is October.** ¹ **It’s much closer than you think.

4. There are poor misguided souls (AKA morons) who have suggested to make Mini Hot Dogs out of full-sized Hot Dogs. The proposal is to cook full Hot Dogs, roll them in your dough or pastry of choice, and then slice them. This is a quick way to make a semblance of a Mini Hot Dog. Bless them, as their heart is in the right place, but this is a bastardization of perfection. You don’t take the Statue of David and rearrange it to make “improvements”. Likewise, you can’t take a full Hot Dog and pretend its artisanal Mini Hot Dogs. It’s offensive.

   While the similarities in appearance are there, these foods couldn’t be more opposite. Don’t fall for the propaganda of Big Sausage. They love to misread information on a bed of lies and grilled onions.

   Finally, you may wonder if I feel the same about Sliders and Full-sized burgers. Of course, I don’t. Both of these are exactly the same, other than size. I mean, they’re both ground beef, cheese and toppings. How different can they be? Please save these very dumb questions for other people. We’re talking about important topics here.

   Mini Hot Dogs are on few menus.

   I don’t see how this is an issue. I mean, McDonald’s doesn’t have a filet mignon on its menu, does it? Most restaurants aren’t capable of correctly preparing such a delicate, decadent treat. Personally, it’s rarity at restaurants raises their appeal. If you see Mini Hot Dogs on a menu, you know the cooks have confidence in their techniques. Drop whatever ordering plans you had and add these to your order… Unless I’m in the restaurant. If I’m there, get something else and leave as many order for me as possible.

   There’s also another reason. In 2017, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) teamed up with the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) for both a battle of acronyms, and a study on the addictive properties of food. The results were shocking. Mini Hot Dogs were found to be eight times more addictive than heroin, and 15(!) times more addictive than Crack. This research doesn’t lie. I’d link to the data, but I don’t feel comfortable driving traffic to my site off their work. You can certainly find the data off of Bing or Ask Jeeves, but don’t use Google for this. Trust me.

   Restaurants don’t want to risk creating a loyal customer base fiending for Mini Hot Dogs. Sure, the business is good, but it does become a problem. Too much of anything, even something as angelic as Mini Hot Dogs can be a bad thing. If you walk into a restaurant and see they patrons scratching their necks, shaking uncontrollably, and asking for cups of mustard to chug, it’s likely Mini Hot Dogs are on the menu. I’d still order a bunch. I mean, I’m not an idiot. But I’d recommend getting your order to go and have a light salad as your next meal to detox.

   Mini Hot Dogs are high in calories.

   If you look around, you’ll see the majority of Americans are high in calories, so I’d watch your judgmental attitude.

   I don’t see why the calories count would really matter anyway. Thousands of years ago, when humans were hunter gatherers, having to earn every meal, calories were a luxury. Every meal was a struggle. Remains of early civilizations show statues and sculptures with portly people. Having extra around the middle meant comfort and luxury. Shouldn’t we praise a food that packs on the calories? Sure, we don’t need to hunt and gather today, but do you really want to get up for seconds? Or rummage through the fridge for something unsatisfying? I think not.

   Ok, fine. Extra calories on a daily basis isn’t the healthiest thing. But is anyone eating Mini Hot Dogs on a daily basis? Only if you’re in Heaven, and I’ll be honest, just reading a Bloggin Hood articles reduces your odds at the Pearly Gates by 50%.

   Nobody should be eating these daily as they are a delicacy. Therefore, the calories don’t really matter that much anyway. If you’re enjoying Mini Hot Dogs, you’ve established this is a cheat meal, cheat day, or maybe you’ve given up on your appearance for a while. An unhealthy meal every so often isn’t going to affect you much. They also aren’t that bad for you. Is it the same as eating a salad? No, because a salad makes you miserable. Besides, if you ate three bowls of salad, topped with fattening dressings, meats and cheeses, is there really a different?

   You can also negate calories with a workout. Fortunately, Mini Hot Dogs provide serotonin, making working out even more effective since you’re in such a good mood. Because of this, I’d classify Mini Hot Dogs as a health food. What can’t it do?

   I was going to promote it as a pre workout meal, but that’s not a good idea with the addictive properties. There would be new reports of people attempting to snort one before the bench press and link to this site. We don’t need that kind of publicity. Imagine somebody wasting one via the nostrils.

   Mini Hot Dogs are Low Brow Food

   This is extremely hurtful. There’s no place in today’s society for archaic, mean-spirited terminology like this.

   I’m sorry, is a food served at Cocktail hours everywhere “low brow”? Are weddings, featuring the union of two people for their entire life a meaningless event? Oh, and I guess the fact I requested a few private plates of Mini Hot Dogs at my wedding in addition to the passed h’orderves is unclassy?

   You know what, don’t answer that last question. We don’t need an answer.

   Food quality isn’t really in the eye of the beholder; it’s based on the ingredients. Nobody will confuse steak-umms for a prime rib. There’s a reason Mini Hot Dogs are served as the biggest events people have. You have to bring in the top tier food for weddings, gala affairs, and my oven at 3AM on a random Wednesday. What do you think gets serves at a presidential inauguration? It sure as hell isn’t a fruit plate.

   Think about that if you consider Mini Hot Dogs low brow. You’re spitting in the face of Abraham Lincoln. Real nice.

   Aren’t these called “Pigs in a Blanket?”

   Sure, some people call these delectable treats “Pigs in a Blanket”, but that’s because people like cute nicknames. It’s like how so many sports nicknames from the 60s-80s had rhyming nicknames. They were fun to say. A lot of times the nicknames didn’t even make sense. Earl “The Pearl” Monroe? Why would a person be a pearl? He had another nickname – Black Jesus. And people called him Earl the Pearl with that as the alternative?

   Similarly, “Pigs in the Blanket” was a cute nickname for people when they were like six, but these should be called Mini Hot Dog. It’s a professional name for a professional food. The nickname holds the food back from it’s true potential as a classy, dignified treat.

   Additionally, Pigs in a Blanket implies that the meat is pork, but let’s be serious. There’s no way Mini Hot Dogs are made out of just pork. It’s definitely from some magical animal that clears out pollution, regenerates indefinitely and provides extremely sound financial advice.

   Now that I’ve disproved all the false narratives about mini hot dogs, we can talk about the positives – eating them. And why I can simple just say go eat a bunch of frozen Mini Hot Dogs, I won’t recommend that in good consciousness. All mini hot dogs are good,**** ³ ****Unless they are cut up regular hot dogs. Then you might as well eat from the trash.

5. *****Artificial chemicals are probably vitamins and minerals
6. ****** Definition check this prior to open. It’s easy to rip the instructions, and panic guest the time and temperature.
7. *******I’m the single greatest writer of all time.
8. ********It wasn’t me, allegedly
9. ********* I know someone’s going to make a comment about Giada. Just stop.