Mario Party: Nintendo’s Cruelest Joke or How to Lose a Friend Group in 10 Turns

Over the years, we’ve talked about some of the darkest, most evil horrors the world has to offer. Bloggin Hood’s first entry called out “Baby it’s Cold Outside” so viciously, a new version of the song was made (Don’t worry about how awful it is). We exposed Big Kale for what it is – a sack of lies about being a superfood when it can’t hold a vitamin compared to Spinach. We even tried to tackle Peppa Pig, but that creature is so evil, all my efforts lead to a draw… for now. Today, I have yet another expose for you on one of the most diabolic pieces of technology over the past 50 years – Mario Party.

Before we can really dig deep into the depths of depravity that is a Mario Festivity, we must look at the the basis for them – board games.

Long before electronics, board games were a popular way to pass time. Consider before board games, families only had hoops and sticks to play with and the average stick was poor quality. You’d be damn happy about them too. Most are simple to learn, but impossible to master, given that 99% of them have elements of luck. This “wonderful” feature intends to make every player have a chance to win, but in essence, it just makes everyone angry. A traditional board games has you roll a dice, spin a wheel, or draw a card on the way to lose to your group’s luck box. Wonderful design.

Today’s version of board games, and I’m including non-poker card games in this category, have evolved past the idea of moving pieces. Instead, it goes straight to offending as many people as possible. Cards against Humanity takes every offense thing I’ve considered writing, multiples it by 5,000, and it deemed fine in the public perception. It’s kind of like South Park – if you dial it up to 2,000 and make fun of everyone, it’s ok. I think that’s somewhere in the Bible. Deuteronomy is my guess.

This new age take on board games is so much better than the old. At least with these games, I know where I stand. Instead of begging the Heavens to roll a 5 and avoid an auto loss, now the main concern is figuring out how offensive you want to be in each round. It’s a less serious, less competitive way to break the ice at parties, assuming your group has thick skin. I wouldn’t bring out Cards Against Humanity at the Church Pot Luck.

Actually, I totally would do that. That’s a speed run to getting excommunicated.

We could talk about so many different board games, and the numerous issues they provide, but at some point, I have to write about the title. Therefore, we’re going to speed this up and talk about the evilest board game ever conceived. A game so dark and disgusting, even a wholesome show like the Simpsons mocked it. We’re talking about Monopoly, a game created to divide families and end relationships.

The Simpsons are playing a Monopoly game (youtube.com)

I don’t own the rights to the Simpsons, but to be fair, that Youtube page probably doesn’t either.

While the Parker Brothers have used every legal trick in the book to suppress the data, Monopoly leads to bad things in 95% of games. Did you know there are more violent assaults due to Monopoly each year than there are shark attacks? Have come we never got a Jaws esque board game movie? We’ve been robbed!*¹

I’m sure everyone knows the basis of Monopoly. In fact, the concept is an allegory of living in cities in 2024. The goal is to purchase properties and build houses, and ultimately hotels, while removing any unique features of the neighborhood. Keep buying and building until you bankrupt your opponents, and everyone in the city who’s not also in real estate or politics.

In fact, Monopoly’s unrealistic feature is there’s a finite number of buildings that can go up. Try telling that to any city within 50 miles of New York City. I play games to escape; Monopoly mocks my ability to ever own anything above a cardboard box (In the shadiest part of town).

The game starts by all the player’s picking their token, and boy are the choices abysmal. How the Hell did a game around for nearly 100 years give the worst possible choices. As of 2024, some of the piece choices include a Battleship (good for a land-based game) a sketchy racecar, and a thimble. They’re also retired some pieces which were the opposite of real estate tycoon – An iron, a boot and a wheelbarrow. You think anyone who generational wealth knows how to spell iron, let alone use one?

Monopoly was so desperate to avoid the horrid choices, they threw in animals to distract the player base. Sure, a Scottish Terrier is a great dog, but I don’t think it’s going to understand how to run cost basis analyst to buy Boardwalk. The game added a car, penguin, rubber ducky, and even a temporary T-Rex in an attempt to seem “cool”. Imagine a T-Rex trying to build houses with its little arms. We’re not stupid Parker Brothers. We’re just Millennials.

If you have to play Monopoly, make sure to grab the Top Hat, the only acceptable piece. If the giant bag of money is available in the version you have, that’s fine too. Inexplicitly, there’s never been a monocle piece. The stupid Monopoly man has one on the box as he mocks you for being poorer than him! What a complete missed opportunity.

While the pieces are a flaw, Monopoly’s worst feature is that everything is determined by luck. No matter what strategy or gameplan you might have, it’ll never work unless the dice rolls are in your favor. Without some luck, you’ll struggle to purchase the property groups needed to buy houses and hotels. Not only can bad dice rolls hinder you, too much good luck can also be bad. In some versions of monopoly, three consecutive doubles send you directly to jail for speeding. Great rule – punish people for doing well to keep them in their social class.

As you move around the board, some spaces will have to draw cards to determine what happens. That’s right, we needed to have a second source of luck in a luck-based game. You might come in second place in a beauty pageant and get like 14 bucks. Or you might just go directly to jail. Seems like a big range of outcome on these cards, no? Cards can also move you to specific spots on the board, which could be disastrous if someone has built up that space.

The only obstacle bigger than luck in Monopoly is nature’s most unpredictable opponent – man. Despite all of the horrid luck involved in Monopoly, the vast majority of the game is a boring ass slog. Players continue to roll dice buying unnecessary things and having horrible events happen to them without making progress. You know, like real life. The only way any true action happens is when someone owns an entire section of properties. Without these, you can’t build any houses needed to win the game.

Most people complete these collections through trades. Players will trade properties to strengthen their position. Inevitably, someone in a Monopoly game will offer one side trades until either someone wears down, and two players can help one another complete a set. Then again, you’ll also have spiteful players who will never make a deal, creating a never-ending board game from Hell. Monopoly’s biggest flaw is that it’s frigging boring as all shit. How did this last for almost 100 years?

The issue is without trading, the odds of getting the set of properties needed is virtually impossible. However, if players take the trade route, the game will speed up and end quickly. By design, Monopoly will never end without the absolute luckiest dice roll and card luck of all time. The highest selling board game of all time is so boring, it takes bending the rules to make it playable. This is a deeply flawed game that wears all the players down until somebody either makes a game ending trade, or snaps and lodges a hotel in someone’s ear.

Oh, and speaking of bending the rules, whoever is designated the banker is the biggest single cheater in gaming history. Not only do they regularly add $500 bills to their personal stack on money, but they also never give appropriate change. If you’re forced to play this godforsaken monstrosity, be the banker and cheat until you win or get kicked out for said cheating. That’s the best reward of all.

In essence, the Parker Brothers made a game that celebrated predatory real estate, designed exclusively around luck, and made it less exciting than educational children’s cartoons. Every time a game is played, someone involved is going to get incredibly angry. Monopoly will lead to broken appliances, bones and marriages. The Parker Brothers were absorbed by Hasbro in 1991, effectively ending their tyranny. Instead of being absorbed, they should have been tried at the Hague.

Fun fact, you can thank Hasbro for the 400 versions of Monopoly that all identical except for the theming. The Parker Brothers committed crimes so that Hasbro could expedite them.  

So, what the Hell does any of this have to do with Mario Party? Well, I’m glad you asked. Great job waiting until now to stop and ask a question. It’s your fault I got off topic for so long you know. Look in a mirror and give your head a shake.

At it’s core, all Mario Party is Monopoly with a fresh coat of Nintendo over it. Sure, there’s differences. Mario party replaces the exciting hotel building gameplay with actual minigames that sometimes don’t make you want to scream (we’ll circle back here). However, the same issues that plague Monopoly are not only present in Mario Party; they’re magnified.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you’re wrong but can’t admit it? Instead of being the bigger person and admitting you’re wrong, you double down. Eventually, things snowball and you’re in too deep and have to stay stubborn, defending a point or idea that is 100% incorrect. Some would say that’s the basis of every Bloggin Hood article. We call those individuals giant assholes.

Nintendo’s development team knew that Monopoly was a dark, twisted game. Yet instead of fixing its flaws, they too, doubled down, and increased the luck and randomness to unmatched levels. Hell, some people complain about bad luck in Mario Kart. Mario Party is as if every character has an unlimited number of Blue Shells and they are always in range of being hit just before a long jump over a pit. They made a frigging game eviler than Mario Kart!

What’s worse is they had to know how depraved the first entry was, but never admitted the fault. Each entry in the series exponentially increases the luck and chaos. Nintendo refuses to admit they created a monster, and every few years, produce a bigger, eviler beast. The most recent entry, Mario Party Superstars, brought back games and boards from the past for a celebration of the game’s history. We might as well celebrated professional criminals. It’s the same damn thing.

So what’s the problem with Mario Party? What, besides everything? Fine, I’ll tell you, but the best experience is to strap yourself in and play a round with some friends. Or even better, enemies. At least that way when the worst possible things happen every game, you can be comforted that it happens to dog shit people.

That includes you by the way, since you willing chose to play Mario Party, you frigging goober.

Concept

The goal of Mario Party is to move your character around a board and acquire as many coins and preferably, stars, as possible. Coins are awarded, or lost, by landing on various spaces, competing in minigames, or most commonly through sheer bullshit. You can purchase stars from some variety of Toad, or, again, through sheer unfiltered bullshit. The person with the most stars, or the last person who has a functional controller, wins.

Before the game starts, you have to pick your character. The stalwarts of the Mario series are here, with some versions putting in random level enemies to pad out the roster. Your character selection has just as big of impact as in Monopoly, i.e. none, but at least they aren’t references to things that doesn’t exist anymore.**² Of course, unlike Monopoly, your characters will speak, so selection does mean something. You’ll have to weigh choosing the coolest Mario Character, which is obviously Yoshi, versus taunt specialists like Wario, Daisy, and meme king Waluigi.

When the game starts proper, you will move throughout the board via a dice roll. Typically, you’ll roll between 1-10, those you can acquire items to increase, or decrease, you range of outcomes. Naturally, your movement will be random, but where you land will have a huge impact on the game. You can land on blue spaces for 3 coins, red spaces to lose 3 coins, or a variety of event spaces designed to drive the player base insane. Sounds like a way to take Monopoly’s bullshit and multiply it.

The biggest issue is that the color of space you land determines the minigame type played. If all players are on the same-colored space, you get a free for all game. There can also be 1-3 or 2-2 based on how the spaces break down. If you land on an event space, it’s considered green, where the game randomly selects Red or Blue. Note that some games are nearly impossible to win if you are by yourself, or on a three-man team. Even the basic concept of the game stacks multiple levels on RNG with every basic move.

And this is the most balanced part of Mario Party. Trust me, we’re just getting started.

Board Issues

Like any board game, each selectable Stage in Mario Party will have a gimmick. In the beginning, these gimmicks were simple. You’d go to Pirate land and wear a themed hat. Or, maybe you’d go to Western Land and wear another themed hat. Early Mario Party was half dress up simulator, and half TV breaking level bullshit RNG simulator. If only we knew how good we had it.

 As Nintendo grew more and more sadistic, they began to add lethal traps to their boards to increase the RNG while reducing the festive hats. Truly, this was one of the biggest downgrades of our time. While there were numerous brutal gimmicks, a few stand out from the most recent entries. In a space team level, when characters pass the middle of the board five times, a giant space lazar fires, eliminating every single coin from the players hit.

In a forest themed level, every few spaces have a fork in a road. Every two turns, Monty Mole will switch the direction you can go at these forks. Unless you land on a specific space to pay the mole to alter the direction you can travel, you will be forced to move one way, making star collection infinitely frustrating. Also, did we need Monty Mole to be relevant? Was Charging Chuck busy? ***³

The final board is example is Peach’s Birthday Cake. This unique level has the star stay in the same location for the entirety of the game.

Oh, did I forget to mention that on most boards, the star space will move randomly on the map after it’s collected. Yeah, that doesn’t get annoying even a little.

For Peach’s Birthday Cake, all you have to do is navigate through the board and get a star with 20 coins. Of course, throughout the map, there are tons on event spaces where opponents can pay to place piranha plants that empty your bank account. Traversing this stage after the first lap is a minefield. And then, when you get close to the star, you speak to a Shy Guy, who asks you to pick a seed. Three of these four lead to the star. But the fourth leads you to Bowser who will likely take all of your coins. You then get to go back to start and probably meet another piranha.

This is only the tip of the horrifically malicious iceberg. If these examples didn’t sound fun enough, consider that the board will also have unique character and event spaces that drastically effect play.

Specialty Spaces

Green Spaces: These are your designated event spots where random things will happen. Typically, they relate to the board’s gimmick. In our examples above, the green space might reduce the space laser counter by one, change the direction you can move in the woods (potentially for coins), or have a giant plant eat you for trying to attend a princess’s birthday party. There’s no climbing the social ladder in this series.

While the concept of the green space is they can be both positive or negative, 98% of all these spaces are bad. Usually, they either liquidate your assets, or force you to move back to the start of the map. Now, there are rare occasions they help players, but truthfully, that’s only to set you up for future pain later.

Koopa Bank: The textbook 98%-2% green space is Koopa’s bank, which is little more than a poorly disguise Ponzi scheme Bernie Madoff would blush at. If you do not land directly on this space while moving around the board, a generic Koopa Troopa will demand three coins as an “investment.” Later in the game, as more players land on the space, the turtle wears designed clothes and has a luxury car. On the last three turns, he isn’t required to pay taxes and runs for congress. Rough stuff****⁴.

If a player lands on the Bank space, they receive whatever coins have been “donated”. This has be upwards of 30 coins depending on how often Koopa has swindled players. With virtually no way to control your rolls without the use of items (we’ll get there), Koopa Bank is the Mario Party version of Free Parking, but more insulting.

Boo: One of the OG Mario party spots, Boo has an unmissable space on the board, meaning you don’t have to land on it to get to partake. Despite being a shy ghost who can’t make eye contact with humans, Mario Party’s Boo is happy to work with plumbers, princesses, dinosaurs, and whatever criminal designations Wario and Waluigi have. It’s also one of the only beneficial spaces for the player in the game.

Traditional, for free (or in some versions a small fee) Boo will steal coins from a player you choose. The selected player can try to fight this by rapidly pressing A, but truly, this is just a placebo. Boo almost always takes the same amount of coins, unless it’s a CPU, in which he’ll rob half of what he can take from a human. Digitalized RNG recognizes digital RNG. This can be huge in preventing players buying stars.

Boo also has one more option though – stealing a star. Typically, this is 50 coins, which is not cheap, but to acquire the star, and the expense of robbing a rival, is pretty sweet.  

With either option, most versions of the game let you choose a random opponent. It’s funny, Mario Party doesn’t have enough random chance to it. Let’s have Boo decided who will punch the wall.

The downside of Boo is he’ll typically be in a far-off section of the map, but obviously worth it if you have a lot of coins. It’s tough to think of a space more devastating for your opponents.

Bowser: Oh, that’s right, Bowser is also in the game.

In a lot of modern Mario games, Bowser is a dumbass, barely remembering how to breathe. Sure, he still kidnaps Peach in but being smarter than the Mushroom Kingdom royalty is a low bar. However, in Mario Party, Bowser proves to be the smartest character in the series. Bowser is not a playable character, choosing to cause chaos instead of being victimized by it.

A Bowser space will typically be bad news for not just who lands on the space, but all players. He pulls a roulette wheel out and will typically steal coins, stars, or force everyone to play a minigame. The minigame will steal coins from anyone who loses, and usually have the most bull shit rules imaginable.

Bowser also has an option called Bowser’s Revolution. This evenly distributes the total coins for all players. That’s right, Bowser practices communism. I never thought Mario would turn woke, but here we are. The liberal agenda in action again.

Even Bowser can’t fully escape ridiculous RNG though. Typically, in his roulette, there will be a space that promises something insanely good, often 100 stars. You’d think this space was for show and never hit, but it does hit a surprising amount of the time. Of course, when this happens, Bowser hightails it out of there. So a player expecting to be punished for landing on a horrible space get rewarded by receiving nothing. What the Hell was the point of the turn then?

Random Bullshit Free coins/Star Blocks: Sure, this isn’t a great name, but it’s damn accurate.

Every so often, a random player, will land on a empty, innocent space, but a block will appear above their head. The player will receive either coins, or even a star from this, at no cost. This can happen at any time, including a free star on the first turn. There’s no reason for this. The developers didn’t have to include this. But they did, because they hate you and want you to feel awful about yourself.

Minigames

Admittedly, this is where Mario Party separates itself from Monopoly by being a video game. Having various games in between each turn was a pretty good idea, but the quality of said game is the key. For every good minigame Nintendo creates, there are five that are absolutely horrific. Minigames are not typically a battle of skills, but a knowledge check of controls. Then again, 50% of them pretty much designate a winner at random.

Free for alls: These are the standard games where everyone is out for themselves. While there’s probably a hundred different categories, I can separate them in four distinct labels.

• Skill based games: Skill is likely a stretch, but at least these games function as intended. Usually, these are simple ones that involve basic platforming, generic combat or easy to control movement. Most importantly, the best players win these.
• Coin Minigames: In these games, there is no outright winner. The goal is to collect as many coins that appear on the screen as possible. While some luck applies, these at least give everyone a chance to pocket some coins for purchasing stars.
• Poorly Designed Games: Some games do not work as intended. In the original Mario Party, Slot Cart Derby sounded like a good idea, but you spin out of control with no rhyme or reason. As more sequels were produced, the controls on certain games just don’t make sense. Good players can win these minigames, but the sheer unpredictability of the buttons leaves it to chance.
• Pure Luck: I mean, there’s a game where you have to cut one of five wires, and you explode if you guess wrong. Not a lot of skill there.

With each iteration of the series, the pure luck games seem to increase each time.

3 on 1 games: This was previously mentioned, but these games heavily skew toward one side. Quite honestly, it’s tough to win with the natural handicap providing in these games. You’d think the group of three would always have an advantage, but some games favor the single player so tremendously, the group of three can put their controllers down and take a break. The victor is determined at the select screen.

2 on 2 games: In my opinion, these are the fairest games since nearly all of them require teamwork. Naturally, this makes them the worst possible gametype and should be banned. If I wanted to work on a team, I wouldn’t be playing video games, especially when the person I’m teaming up with is competing against me.

Battle/Duel: In special circumstance, two or all four players will post a random or selected number of coins with the winner taking all on a duel, or most in a battle game. These games, unfortunately, lean into the luck. The wire cutting game? Yeah, that’s always part of the battle mini games. These cause huge swings in the game, so basing the challenges on luck is on brand.

Item: At specific green spaces, a player gets the opportunity to play a solo mini game to win an item. While these games are typically easy enough to win an item, the strength of certain items makes this pretty absurd. Even worse, the best items become available in these games during the last turns of the game, meaning sheer dice roll luck can lead to changing the outcome of the game.

Items

There aren’t quite enough luck elements in Mario Party, items exist to make things that much worse.

Some items have a “strategic” element to them, meaning they require double digit IQs points to use. Mushrooms or Double Dice Blocks make it likely to move extra spaces. Poison mushrooms or Dice Blocks make someone move less spaces. It’s not rocket science to figure out the uses here. There’s also a dice block that lets you choose the number you roll, presuming you don’t mash A and end up with a one. Not that I’ve been there every single game.

Other items, are extremely situational. Take the Skeleton key, an item that unlocks a gate. Great. Occasionally, this leads to something good, like the board’s Boo. But a lot of the time, this offers absolutely nothing but maybe some shots at coins. I mean, that’s fine I guess, but the game even guilt trips you by giving the key a “goodbye” dialogue before you confirm to use it. Don’t make me feel bad in a game designed to make me feel angry. I’m a child from the 90s; I can’t handle two emotions at once.

There are also warp blocks that can switch places with another player. These are, surprise, randomly selected. You can switch with your desired target, or you can switch with someone is much worse shape than you, depending on what the game allows. Really, most of the items aren’t that great.

Oh, except for the one item that automatically warps you to the star’s location on use with no drawbacks.

Every version of Mario Party that has items includes this auto star item, originally a magic lamp, but now a golden pipe. Did anybody at Nintendo balance test this shit before release? Typically, lamps are available from item shops and item minigames on the last 10 turns. Most players will have a stack of coins at this point, turning the last half of the game a golden item collection fest. It’s honestly incredibly dumb.

However, at least it’s available to everyone. Despite nearly 5,000 words, we haven’t gotten to the true horrors of Mario Party yet – the endgame.

Thanks Sherlock.

Endgame

Last 5 Turns:

Before the last five turns begin, the game’s host, which is usually either Toad, or some random asshole that never appears in a future installment, gives the standings. Then, a goober from the series appears and predicts a winner, usually someone in 3^rd or 4^th. This player gets bonus coins or items for sucking up until this point. Sure, that makes sense. The coin rewards or punishments on spaces also double now.

Other than giving out a golden pipe, the rewards for the randomly selected player doesn’t change much. But doubling the value of everything kind of devalues the first 10 or 15 turns of the game, no? It also gives players more coins to purchase more and more pipes and not actually travel the board. I always say, the best board games are the ones where you can warp to the end and not play at all. It’s just really questionable game design. Why play the game when you can get lucky coins and win via finding one more item shop?

Chance Time:

Now this… This is the worst thing in video game history. Worse than micro transactions, downloadable content purposedly held back from the game’s release, and the really bad NBA Street 3. Chance Time can undo the first 99% of the game in one turn, and quite honestly, that’s the point.

Now, I’ll be honest. I’m pretty sure chance time is a space on every board from turn one, but I’m not 100% sure on that. That’s because someone will only land on it in the last two or three turns. It’s like a magnet pulling on its opposite charge. Sure, you can try to avoid it, but somehow, you’ll end up there And if it’s not you, it’ll be someone you know. There is no escape – Chance Time is inevitable.

Whoever lands on Chance Time will have to stop three spinning blocks in any order. The outer dice are the same, containing all four characters in the active game, rotating at a steady speed. The middle block will determine whether coins or stars will be sent and who will be giving or receiving. The blocks can be hit in any order, and the remaining blocks will speed up. If this makes no sense, here’s a visual aid with the active players’ feelings.

There is a chance that one player will only give five coins to another. There’s also a chance that one player will have to give every star AND coin they have to someone, and virtually clinch the game. In nearly every Chance Time, the person landing on the space gives away all their bankroll to the player currently chewing on the control stick because they thought it was a popsicle. What sadistic bastard created this? I want a name and an address, damn it.

If the last five turns trivialized the first 15, this space mocks the entirety of the game. Someone can avoid every speck of bad luck and dominant play, but one bad outcome here, and they’re in a distant 4^th. The Parker Brothers blush at the thought of Chance Time. This is God damn evil.

Bonus Stars

All bad things must come to an end, and fortunately, that includes Mario Party. After the final minigame, the winner is announced, but not before one final round of horse shit. Bonus Stars are a final slap in the face. I think it’s Nintendo’s way of saying “You could have been playing Smash. Duck Hunt Dog was right there.”

In early Mario Party games, there were three stars rewarded

• Minigame Star – The player who earned the most coins in minigames. This is important, as someone could win the most games, but not earn the most coins. And by important, I mean dumb.
• Coin Star – This is the person that earned the highest number of coins. I’ve always understood this as the high mark throughout the game, and not who ends with the most coins after the last turn.
• The Happening Star – I… I have played Mario Party since it’s inception, and I don’t know what the Hell this is. I don’t believe anyone does, especially the developers. Whoever created this definitely trademarked Chance Time too.

My understanding is the Happening Star goes to the player that landed on the most event spaces, though I’m not sure exactly what counts as an event space. I’m guessing it’s anything green, but who knows honestly? I’m not going to google it. If I never bothered to for 25 years, I won’t start now.

Fun fact, despite not understanding it, I win the Happening Star like 90% of the time. I guess I’m I pretty happening guy, but you know that already.

But this wasn’t random enough for Nintendo. In later installments, the Bonus Stars aren’t always the same. Instead, the game pulls from a pool of potential Bonus Stars, and you have no idea what they could be. I’ve seen Bonus Stars awarded for most spaces moves, most items purchases, and for most curses during a 3 on 1 mini game.

I’m not sure on that last one, but it would be the most competitive category.

After the last star, players are “rewarded” with a cutscene where the losers frigging die on screen and the winner survives. The winner is never the best player, but whoever avoiding constant bad luck, or won Chance Time. A fitting end for a barbaric, unpleasant experience. Afterwards, everyone refuses to talk to each other until somebody says “One more game”. Everyone agrees the board selected was the problem and the cycle repeats.

In Conclusion

In Dante’s Inferno, the titular character, along with Virgil visit the nine circles of Hell, culminating in reaching Satan in the center. Unbeknownst to many, initially there was an 10^th layer. There, sinners were forced to endure a board game where every turn led to unfortunately luck, loss of currency, and one player getting really, really lucky. Like, I mean unfairly, stupid lucky. He just rolled another dman 10?! Are you serious!?

Fortunately for Dante, the book editors decided that the 10^th layer was needless cruel and nihilistic. The passage was scrapped from the book and only one known copy was recovered by George Swinnerton Parker, who thought the depiction of Hell was perfect for a children’s game. His Brother, Charles, urged him to publish the game he created. The two then got into a fist fight over who would be the banker.

Years later, the Nintendo Corporation, once based on playing cards, decided that this evil game would be a great basis for video game. I mean, who sees Monopoly and says “Yeah, let’s get in on that”. I don’t care how cute Yoshi is, there’s no way to disguise that this game series is some of the darkest shit humanity has made. For Christ sake, this is up there with Wonder Showzen!*****⁵

In the time it took you to read the above paragraph, a family has been torn apart from a failed family game night, and at least three friend groups refuse to talk after a Chance Time from Hell. I truly hope that you never have to experience this for yourself.

Unless the Chance Time benefits you. Then, oh my God, there’s nothing better on the planet. What a rush!

1. *  Sharks get a bad wrap. It you want to talk about dangerous animals, look into Hippos – the asshole of the wild ↩︎
2. **I mean, what even is an iron? ↩︎
3. ***Oh, that’s a real Mario enemy. I brought the goods for this article. ↩︎
4. ****None of this happens, but it’s heavily implied by Toad. ↩︎
5. *****If you don’t know, good for you. Keep it that way. ↩︎