Lyrics Breakdown – Despacito Or Slowly… Fade into Obscurity

It means slowly. I’m pretty sure everybody knows this now, but the title of the song means slowly. That should have been our first clue. As a society, we never were good at grabbing context clues.

As Megan excitedly watched the Ice Dancing short program at the Olympics on Sunday Night, I figured I would begin ranking Baseball players for the upcoming fantasy season. However something in the performances stopped me from writing, repetitiveness, also known as Despacito.

You wouldn’t consider Ice Skating as a place where Despacito would play, but the rules for the competition were different from the typical event. For one round of the competition, the dancers were forced to perform to Latin music. It didn’t necessarily have to be Latin, but it needed a certain beat for the judge’s . The dancers were also required to use certain Latin dance moves in their performances.

Now, this got weird. Latin dances are known for their passion and their sexuality. Meanwhile, one of the American Teams are siblings. Look, I’m pretty sure the jokes have already been made. In fact, I’ve already made a few on the site myself. But I will not miss my opportunity to make more. I don’t know much about the Shib Sibs, but I sure hope they aren’t sharing a room during this Olympic season. Let’s get a chaperone, STAT.

As the performances continued, a disappointing trend arose – three of the competitors selected Despacito as their music for their performance. This raised a few questions.

1). How does the Olympic committee allow different teams to use the same song? This is like if wrestlers used the same entrance music without being tag partners or a group. It makes no sense, and it’s wrong. Do you think Stone Cold would have come out to the Rock’s music? No, of course not, and that’s part of what gives wrestlers their character.

“Listen Rock. I’m changing my entrance music to JoJo. And that’s the Bottom Line, because Stone Cold said so!”

“Know your role and shut your mouth! The Rock’s going to come out to greet the millions (and millions) of his fans, and he’s going to do it to Jo Jo.”

“Them fighting words Rock. And Austin 3:16 says I’m about to whoop your ass”

“It doesn’t matter what Austin 3:16 says!”

I still get chills thinking about it to this day.

Instead of developing that originality, here’s three teams using the same song while they perform reasonably similar moves to adhere to to competition’s rules. Wouldn’t you want to have original music? Now, the judges will automatically compare the three groups more intently. One group might have good, original elements, but if they didn’t best another one of the Despacito trio, they aren’t getting a good score.

I think it should be a rule that two teams cannot share the same song. These skaters perform the same programs at all their events. The music becomes a part of who they are as athletes. Allowing other competitors to skate to the song takes away from their artistic flair. It should be a first come, first serve basis, but if you want the same song, you can go on a waiting list and snatch it if the current user decides to switch it up.

2). Am I really going to reference Figure Skating again? I don’t have a single baseball column posted after six weeks, but multiple write ups with references to Ice Skating? I’ve changed, man.

3). How the hell is Despacito still relevant?

Despacito came out during the Spring of 2017 and almost instantly became a hit. It plagued the airwaves hourly then, and actually remains in the rotation today. It was actually one of the biggest underdog hits in a long time.

Think about where America is now. We have rumors of a wall being built along our borders and laws being passed that are very anti-immigration. The odds of this song blowing up were extremely low. I mean, the lyrics aren’t even in English. I don’t remember the last hit song that wasn’t in English, unless you factor in most Pearl Jam singles. Eddie Vedder loves to mumble words incoherently. My theory is that this song is Mike Pence’s jam.

On the other hand, we should have seen this coming. English lyrics haven’t exactly lit the world on fire lately. Look at where lyrics have fallen over the past decade. I mean, this generation allowed Lil Yatchy to become a star, even if it was only for eight of his fifteen minutes. I mean, did you hear his shitty song? People listened to this crap. In this era of music, Drake is considered a good lyricist. Drake has a song where he had to explain in the chorus that people call other people on cell phones.

That is your fault America. We needed to take the lyrics away from our native tongue just to disguise how bad we are at writing.

Of course, this doesn’t excuse Despacito from having bad lyrics. It was basically impossible to tell, except for, you know, 30% of the world that speaks Spanish. At the typical American male, I barely understand English. I just assumed people liked the song because it’s catchy and Luis Fonsi is a pretty good singer. And then, I heard the remix.

In order to rope even more Americans into liking the song, English lyrics were added. And who did the geniuses behind Despacito decide would rope in the most fans? Justin Frigging Bieber. Just when you think a song can’t get more annoying, the entertainment industry finds a way.

If there was one benefit for attaching Bieber to the proceedings, it did illuminate some of the surprising lyrics in the song. Bieber sings the word slowly several times, which is the translation of the song’s title. The only instances that slowly would be the title of a song is if you’re singing about the tortoise and the hare, or about sex. Now, Justin Bieber’s main demographic probably isn’t capable of reading the tortoise and the hair, I think it ‘s the latter.

I can’t pretend it was surprising. If a song is on the English airways in another language, it’s probably because there’s something raunchy going on. But how raunchy could it be? I needed to know, but it would be difficult. I don’t remember a word of the six years of Spanish I studied, and despite being half Portuguese I couldn’t tell you how to say hello in the language.

Fortunately, the internet isn’t just filled with memes and half naked women*¹. The lyrics are translated literally everywhere. The fact I just thought about doing this is kind of embarrassing. Then again, most people aren’t quick on the uptake, so I’m sure I’m not the only person who failed to do this. Also, most people probably just don’t care.

To say the least, the lyrics are pretty bad. I don’t just mean dirty. They’re just as shitty as most pop songs, while being as sex driven as any song released in the past twenty years. I feel like it’s my duty to tell the people just what their children have sung along to. Do you want your kids happily singing about penetration? I should sure hope not, you sickos.

The following lyrics were translated using genius.com. Just like I did with the expose on Baby It’s Cold Outside, I’ll breakdown the lyrics with my comments. Remember, these lyrics are slightly off due to translation, so I’m sure they lose a bit of their punch. They also won’t rhyme. Don’t blame the artist for this.

I mean if you want to blame Daddy Yankee for it, that’s totally cool, but let’s save the hating on him for the write up.

[Intro: Justin Bieber]
Come on over in my direction
So thankful for that, it’s such a blessin’, yeah
Turn every situation into heaven, yeah

Yeah, you don’t really turn very many situations into Heaven, Justin.

You know when they decided to remix this song, I wonder why they decided that Justin Bieber was the best person to collab with. I mean, the song was already pretty big. It just seems like a bat choice. This was Fonsi’s breakout song. If you’re trying to avoid becoming a one hit wonder, maybe don’t team up with a guy who’s always in trouble with the law and the running punchline to half of the internet’s jokes**². I mean, sure, you’d get the teenage girl approval, and I suppose that’s a huge market. But once people know what the lyrics are about, that’s going to get you in some hot water.

Oh, you are
My sunrise on the darkest day
Got me feelin’ some kind of way
Make me wanna savor every moment slowly, slowly

This part actually doesn’t sound too dirty, considering what’s to come, but it could be taken that way. We also have the word slowly here. Had -Bieber be capable of singing in Spanish, we would have heard Despacito from him, and probably killed the song’s mainstream momentum. Alas, we weren’t so lucky.

You fit me, tailor-made love, how you put it on
Got the only key, know how to turn it on

These are some of the worst, most obvious analogies imaginable. Did Usher help out with these lyrics?

The way you nibble on my ear, the only words I wanna hear
Baby, take it slow so we can last long

Ok, no denying what this song is about now, and remember this part is only sung in English. Unless for some reason, people think ear lobe nibbling is something people do in public and not naked in bed.

If you are nibbling ears in public, stop it. That’s not hygienic.

 

Going forward, pretty much everything else will be translated from Spanish. The lyrics won’t rhyme anymore. Remember, this is what happens with translations. Don’t blame the song lyrics on this.
[Verse 1: Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee]
Oh, you, you are the magnet and I’m the metal
This opening line isn’t nearly as bad as I feared. I wouldn’t go as far to call it clever, but it’s not as bad of analogy as Bieber’s gems.

I keep getting closer and building up the plan
Just thinking about it raises my heartbeat
Oh, yeahI, I’m already liking you more than usual

 

It could be a translation issue but I’m liking you more than usual might be the worst lyric I ever heard. I mean this is like saying “Wow, you are an above average looking woman”. I mean, come on.

Can I take a minute to talk about how shit Daddy Yankee is? Look, I understand I don’t speak Spanish, but the guy’s voice is terrible. It’s just so grating. He shouldn’t be a performer at all. I don’t know if he makes beats, is a DJ, or if he’s just an artist (I’m not sullying my internet history on him) but if he has any other job, he should stick with that. If he’s only a performer, maybe he should team up with Pitbull so I can block two birds with one click.

All my senses are asking for more
This needs to be taken with no hurry

Now, I get that he’s not trying to rush the sex, but everything else is building up to an uncontrollable attraction. If you’re hit with passion, is your first reaction suppose to be “Oh, let’s slow down. There’s plenty of time,”? No! This is somehow only the second dumbest in this verse too. I mean, Luis Fonsi wrote a song about banging a woman slowly, and he looks like Shakespeare compared to Daddy Yankee.

[Chorus: Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber]
Slowly
I want to smell your neck slowly
Let me whisper things in your ear
So that you’ll remember if you’re not with me

Now, is it just me, or is he saying, remember me over all other guys? Like, I know it might not be that, but you have all this over the top lustful imagery and then this line shows up. It takes you out of the moment. You can’t go from a sex song to a romance song. You gave up any hint of romance when you had the like you more than usual line. Why didn’t I choose to dissect Carly Rae Jepsen?

Slowly
I want to undress you with my kisses, slowly
I sign the walls of your labyrinth
And make your whole body a manuscript

Oh boy. A couple of thoughts here.

Signing the walls of your labyrinth? I mean, that sounds complicated. That really sounds like the guy is giving himself a lot of credit, or that the women’s, err, parts, are very complex. The latter sounds like an insult to me. Wouldn’t explore have been a better choice of word than signing? Signing sounds like you want to defile the “labyrinth” and escape before getting caught. Call me old fashioned, but that doesn’t sound like good technique.

Making a body a manuscript makes no sense either. I hope this is mistranslated. Writing a manuscript about her body? Sure, that would work. Turing her body into a manuscript? That sounds painful. Is he planning on writing on her with a magic marker? Why do I feel like this manuscript would just say boobs and ass like five times, and then vagina once? Any takers that would bet it’s more complex than that?

That’s two references to writing in as many lines. Does this guy think that writing is the taboo act? There’s no censorship on the arts in the country my friend. You’re free to write as much as you’d like. I don’t recommend more music, but I can’t legally stop you from doing so.

(Hop on, hop on, hop on!
Hop on, hop on!)

Wow. That’s not even a hint of subtlety. Are these the lyrics to the 7^th floor crew? Remember men, if you want to seduce someone, just quote this part of Despacito. He or she will melt in your arms.

[Post-Chorus: Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee]
I want to see your hair dance
I want to be your rhythm
And you show my mouth
Your favorite places
(Favorite, favorite, baby)

Thank you, Daddy Yankee, for adding so much to this section. Like, this is the second outright dirty lyric in the song, but at least he’s not hiding in behind a bad analogy. As long as her favorite places aren’t a maze or a death trap, we should be fine. We shouldn’t be looking to put our mouth in danger.

Let me surpass your danger zones

God damn it! I just said no danger!

So first, we called it a labyrinth and now it’s a danger zone. Are we sure the speaker is into women? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. These aren’t the descriptive words most people would use, given the circumstances.

To make you scream

I’d really hate to be in the hotel room next to them.

 

And you forget your last name

Does the guy know her last name? Does the guy know her first name?

[Verse 2: Daddy Yankee]

Oh good. Just want I wanted.

If I ask you for a kiss, come, give it to me
I know that you’re thinking about it
I’ve been trying for a while
Baby, this is giving and giving it

I really hope this lost a bit in translation, but I have my doubts. These lyrics don’t even mesh well together. First, he says that he knows that the woman wants him, but then saying he’s been trying to get with her for a while. Does she want you or not? How in the world don’t you know? This is like back in grade school when you tell your friends you’ve reached second base with a girl in the class, and when she passes by, she reveals the two of you have never been on the same block outside of class. Poor Daddy Yankee, trying so hard to impress the twelve year olds.

What the hell does the last line even mean? This is giving and giving it? This must be one of those situations when he needed something to rhyme with the Spanish equivalent of the word orange.

You know that your heart with mine makes you go bang-bang
You know that she is looking for my bang-bang

This is a bad example of onomatopoeia. It seems Daddy Yankee is confusing about what he wants to do with real words. Use your big boy words Daddy Yankee. See, a man doesn’t have a bang-bang. If a man has a body part called a bang-bang, he needs to seek medical attention immediately.

These lyrics make me think that Daddy Yankee has never experienced intimacy. This goes back to the playground example. The only understanding he has from sex is his friends from middle school. I bet he giggled at the word bang-bang.

Come, taste from my mouth to see what it tastes like
I want to, I want to, I want to see how much love you can take in

 

Whoa, and after that, he does a 180 and gets as graphic as he can. I mean, we didn’t hold anything back now. There’s no balance to this verse at all. How much love one can take is a more obvious penis reference. How did this guy go from calling his shlong a bang-bang to asking how far can he shove it in? God I hate this guy.

This still reeks of playground talk by the way. Daddy Yankee gets all his lyrics from the ruffians who smoke at recess.

I am not in a hurry, I want to take the trip
Let’s start slow, then wild

 

Personally, I’m in a hurry to get to the end of this song. At least the Daddy Yankee solo portion is over. Thank the sweet merciful Jesus.

[Pre-Chorus: Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber]
Step by step, smooth and gentle
We’re sticking together, little by little
When you kiss me with such skill

Ok, pretty standard passion stuff. Now really anything to mention.

I see that you’re malice with tenderness

Wait, what? How is malice meeting with tenderness? Like, what does that even mean? I think they were probably going for something like “a woman in the sheets and a freak in the bed” but failed horribly. Malice still makes it sound like the singer is afraid of women and their icky parts again. Is the single being blackmailed into sex? We have to assume yes, yes he is

Step by step, smooth and gentle
We start sticking, little by little
And such beauty is a puzzle
But to solve it here I have the piece
Listen!

I understand that most innuendos have been used up at this point, but the puzzle one is really weak. I mean the missing piece to the puzzle is as clichéd as it gets. Be careful your puzzle piece doesn’t get caught in the danger zone. Why does this sound like Yu-gi-oh?

[Chorus: Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber]
Slowly
I want to smell your neck slowly
Let me whisper things in your ear
So that you remember if you’re not with me
Slowly
I want to undress you with my kisses, slowly
I sign the walls of your labyrinth
And make your whole body a manuscript
(Hop on, hop on, hop on!
Hop on, hop on!)

I still can’t believe that the hop on part is in the song. These three are trying to be our generation’s Rat Pack

[Post-Chorus: Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee]
I want to see your hair dance
I want to be your rhythm
And you show my mouth
Your favorite places
(Favorite, favorite, baby)
Let me surpass your danger zones
To make you scream
And you forget your last name

We’ve seen these lyrics before, but the danger zone issue is so, so very out-of-place. This guy wants to have sex with her but the most important parts for said action are dangerous? Maybe you two should take things slowly.Have you considered board game night?

[Verse 3: Luis Fonsi]
Slowly
This is how we do it down in Puerto Rico
I just wanna hear you screaming, “Oh my god!”
I can move forever when it is with you

If this is true, I feel like a lot of men are booking flights to Puerto Rico as we speak.

Screaming “Oh my God” doesn’t necessarily mean they are having passionate sexy time. How do we know the singer didn’t try something weird? Maybe he put on a clown costume? Or maybe he wanted to be spanked repeatedly. I don’t know what this guy is into and to be honest, the song’s unclear if he’s even into women.

Couldn’t she just be screaming oh my God because the song’s not over yet? That’s the most obvious interpretation.

Dance!

Nah, I’m good at this point.

[Outro: Daddy Yankee, Luis Fonsi & Justin Bieber]
Step by step, smooth and gentle
We’re sticking together, little by little
You show my mouth
Your favorite places
(Favorite, favorite, baby)

Once again, a great contribution by Daddy Yankee. Thank god this guy is on the song.

Why are the two people sticking together? You know what, forget I asked that question.

Step by step, smooth and gentle
We’re sticking together, little by little
Until we provoke screams (Fonsi)
And you forget your last name (D.Y.)
Slowly

Good thing this song has been on the airwaves for nearly a year. As you can see, this is the song our children have sung along to. Thank god the school systems don’t really teach, because if they did, our eight year olds would be talking about sticking things into dangers zones and forgetting their last names. That’s not good for anyone.

This might be a lesson to everyone to not translate the lyrics. And no, I don’t mean that the content. I mean the disappointing lyrical ability. When it’s in another language, we can fool ourselves into thinking there’s some beauty in it. In this case, it was just about reluctantly having sex but trying to to sound macho in the process. That’s a shame, but it proves the adage that ignorance is bliss.

Listening to Daddy Yankee is definitely not bliss.

 

1. *If you have moderate safe search off, half naked women will no longer be a concern.
2. **Logan Paul is the other half.