Horror Movies – Scaring Yourself Stupid Or Check Your Credit Score if You Want to be Frightened

In modern times, there are thousands of things to do. Usually, we sit on our ever-expanding asses and surf the internet without a goal. If we used a modest amount of effort, we’d find a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips or activities to participate in. Pretty much, any choice you could make is a good one, unless you’re engaging in some weird fetish club. Don’t do that. And if you’re going to do that, don’t start telling others about it. Keep your turn ons to yourself, perv. Out of all these not fetish related choice, there is one activity that remains socially acceptable that shouldn’t be – going to the movies.

I get why people went to the movies back in the 90s. Back then, we really didn’t have all the options available to us today. Before the rise of the internet, people had to actually communicate with others. Using words! Yuck. If you weren’t drinking at a bar, you were eating at a restaurant or going to a gym. Entertainment wise, there was barely any channels. Videos were watched using a VCR. There’s readers that think VCR is a very serious medical disease.

That slot is only for tapes. Don’t get any more ideas fetish sickos

The movie theater offered an escape from the house along with new entertainment at a reasonable cost. You could get two tickets, a popcorn and a drink for around $25. That’s not bad for a couple of friends wanting to go to the movies or for a date. Plus, the movies allowed teenagers to get through their painfully awkward first dates without having a real conversation. It helped create the fake yawn move, where the guy ends up putting his arm around his date. It also created disgusting sloppy make out in the back row, but hey, shooters gotta shoot.

I understand the place of the movie theater in our history, but there’s no reason for it anymore. Today, everything is available to us in seconds. You can stream a boatload of movies either for free, or for a few bucks. The picture clarity has improved so drastically since the 90s so we can watch movies with the same clarity as the theater.

Hell, we even have better bootleggers now. Anyone who’s actually concerned about spoilers for new movies can walk into their local barber shop or bar and buy bootleg DVDs at a fraction of the cost. These recordings don’t always come out perfect – sometimes you have shoddy camera work. You won’t confuse the bootleg directors with Spielberg, but they get the job done and save you a bunch of money. Because, let me tell you – the movies are expensive as shit.

Once the cheap alternative to actually doing something rewarding, the movies are now just as expensive as going to dinner. In Bayonne, a ticket to see a movie is $11.50. Fine, it’s only $23 dollars for a date. Of course, if you want to see a movie in 3D, your ticket is now $15 each. Personally, 3D is one of, if not the dumbest gimmick of this century. It adds nothing but a headache but people like it, so fine, $30 for the ticket. Now, I’m not saying you can eat gourmet with $30, but you could go to Applebees. What better way to tell someone you love them by letting them have their pick on the two for $20 menu.

You’re also not out of the woods yet with your movie expenses. No movies is complete without a bucket of popcorn and the large, child sized drink.

Snacks used to be cheap, but now, movie theaters know they can charge whatever they want and they’ll make sales. Those devious bastards. Similar to a stadium, once patrons on in the movie theater, they have no options for food and drink other than the confines of the complex. Movie theaters now charge stadium prices for their slop, and we’re force to stomach it (both the price and crap food). A large popcorn and a large drink is about $15 bucks. That’s robbery and when I tried reporting it to the police, they wouldn’t do anything about it. I want justice, damn it!

Now, you could eat at home before you go to the movies. But you won’t. Don’t lie to yourself. You know you won’t. You can pretend you won’t buy any snacks at the concession stand, but you’re going to. The experience isn’t complete without it. You’ll suffer through popcorn with uneven butter distribution (it’s impossible to even it out) and a soda the will make you have to pee during the movie’s climax. Even knowing the downside and disappointment, you will buy these things. It will also piss you off for the whole two-hour movie, regardless of whether or not the show is good.

I do understand there is a few situations where the movies still do make sense. If there a big blockbuster movie hitting, especially one in a series like Star Wars, I can see going early to avoid spoilers. There are also releases that people want to talk about. Sometimes your local bootlegger can’t get their hands on a well recorded copy, and you’ll be forced to pay for a ticket. Finally, there’s the young teenagers looking to make out, but cannot drive. The movies, no matter how expensive, help young hormone riddles teenagers slobber all over each other during a showing of Pearl Harbor.

There is some nostalgia to going to the movies. You’ll get to buy some candy you haven’t seen in a decade. In fact, that box might have been in the theater for said decade.

Whoever got the Good and Plenty is a moron

It’s like re-united with a friend, for $8 bucks and if that friend was horrific stale to bite into (giggity?). The theater does offer a huge screen and surround sound, which most homes are not able to re-create. You also get movie trivia, which asks questions like “Where can you buy popcorn?” and “Which actor stared in being John Malkovich?” You also get the experience of hearing loud assholes ruin the movie by shouting things throughout.

Yeah, why did we go to the movies again?

I know plenty of people still go, and why I don’t understand it, I guess there’s worse things to spend your money on*¹. However, not all movie genres are created equally. If you’re going to throw away nearly $50 on something that’ll be on Netflix two months later, make sure it’s something you enjoy. Or, you can see a horror movie, the equivalent of burning money and being ok with it. Watching a horror movie is the second dumbest thing you can do with your time**².

The goal of most movies are to entertain. In a comedy, the audience gets to laugh. In an action film, we root for the hero to kill a whole bunch of terrorists/Nazis/scumbags and save the world/wife/children. Dramas entertain through tension, real life problems and excellent acting. A family movie mesmerizes kids, giving parents a few minute to relax, chug wine or sneak off their bedroom for a escalated naughty session. All these genres have a purpose to exist.

What’s the horror genre’s purpose? To scare people. Wow, that sure is deep. Action movies have tense moments that can frighten, but there’s more to them than just raising blood pressure. Horror movies don’t have anything else going for them. Their entire purpose is to make you feel frightened. Not only does that offer absolutely nothing, it’s not even hard. Look at how easy it is to trigger people from somewhat tame comments. Everybody with a semi controversial opinion is considered a pariah, and people demand apologies for the smallest offenses. Horror directors could add a scene where the main character holds a cue card that says “Oh no! Scary Ghosts!” and five people of today’s generation will keel over in fright.

There’s absolutely no upside for a horror movie. I’ll provide you the best case and worse case scenario, and you tell me if it makes sense to see one.

Best Case – The movie is well made and scares the pants off the audience. Hopefully not literally, because you don’t want to see most movie goers without pants. But anyway, if the movie is a success, it’ll have an impact on you. Mainly, the impact of not being able to sleep at night. The disturbing images will remain with you for weeks. You’ll be jumping every time somebody taps you on the shoulder, and you’ll need a nightlight. I don’t recommend sleeping near a bladed weapon for fear of losing appendages.

Worst Case – The movie is poorly made and absolutely sucks. Not only does it not scare you, it doesn’t even entertain in an ironic way. You’re not only mad at the shitty program, you’re also pissed that you spent 50 bucks on this, including $8 on Junior Mints that chipped your teeth. You ultimately write an angry blog post about the experience, leading to no views.

That last part hit a little close to home.

So obviously, this is a terrible decision for anyone. But it’s not just the genre is poor conceptually, it’s also so, so poorly done. Most horror movies follow the same basis outline, like a Hallmark Move. There’s few changes in any horror movie, because that would require giving half a shit. Horror movies are about giving as little of effort as possible while still making a profit. This profit is created because idiots pay money to either be bored or scared. Good job idiots. That’s right, I’m putting it on you movie goers. Here’s just some of the issues with the film genre.

Low Budget

Have you ever seen the ghost hunter shows on TV? These are some of the lowest forms of entertainment we have. In them, failed college dropouts pretend they can communicate with ghosts and go to various “haunted” locations to find the spirits within. Then, due to poor lighting and shoddy camera work, the shows pretend that ghosts are presents. The equipment they use, poorly designed props with screens, pretend to have captured ghost information. Then, the how ends with a lot of questions about whether the ghost can rest in peace. Considering there never was a ghost, I’d say sure, why not?

Horror movies have the same appearances as these crappy shows. Since no sensible movie studio would even give these hacks a real budget, horror directors are forced to use cheap tricks to create the illusion of fear. This includes poor lighting, shaky cameras and awful dialogue. The camera shake is really the key. If the camera is unclear, the viewers can’t tell what’s on the screen. People will be scared by the lack of clarity. How the hell do people enjoy this?

Lack of real drama

Low budgets certainly aren’t a death sentence to a move. Special effects and pretty graphics can only take a movie so far. Typically, it’s the pretty faces that make or break a movie. But when you can’t get a few of the top 50 sexiest people alive to film, horror movies are forced to work on a script. That’s a problem.

There are many ways that these writers and directors could attack the genre. With a well written script, good pacing and nice camera work, the low-budget won’t matter. The movie can overcome this with reasonable thought and direction. Instead, directors resort to the same damn tactics as above and a few others, namely jump scares and gore.

Jump scares are cheap ways to get the desired reaction from the crowd. Sometimes it’ll be a loud noise, or a quick appearance by someone or something scary. Instead of building to anything, these rushed, forced trick will scare a good number of people. Do you remember every playing a game on-line only to have a giant, loud noise occur halfway through. These games were designed to get the players to that point, and scare the bejesus out of them. They were quick, one minute games. That’s pretty much the horror genre in a nutshell, but spread out over 90 minutes.

Gore is another cheap tactic that shouldn’t be a focal point. Blood and guts can be effective in a movie, and definitely add to the dread. For instance, a little bit of blood somewhere can have the viewers mind racing – asking questions about what happened and who’s dead. It could lead to a body a few minutes later and let the dread sink in. Instead, most horror movies just throw a mangled corpse at you and hope you shiver. I didn’t see IT, but Lil’ Jon told me the movie opens with the clown biting his victim’s arm off. That’s… That’s a bit much. Again, gore is fine, but within reason. If I wanted a terrifying bloody scene, I’d go to the dentist without any insurance.

Dumb Characters

I don’t know if it’s fair to label this an issue with just the horror genre. Most movies have dumb characters. But nobody said life was fair, and this review sure as hell won’t be.

Whatever horror the protagonists are facing, whether it be a supernatural force, a serial killer, or running out of milk for their cereal, none of the characters think logically. Now, I get it. You’re not going to think rationally when you’re life is on the line. At the same time, you wouldn’t do things that actively put you in more danger.

If a killer is outside of the house, maybe standing by the windows is a bad idea. In a horror movie, it’s the first place people go, and subsequently die. If the characters have the capability to flee in some sort of vehicles, they never do, choosing to try and escape by foot. For Christ sake just run over the killer with the car and save us the 75 minutes. It’s like they secretly want to die. Maybe that’s what horror movies are trying to show, the defeated psychology of these characters. They witness horrors and don’t want to go on anymore. Despite what they might say, they actively put themselves in danger to join the falling.

No, probably not.  They are just written really badly. I half expect the characters to offer the killers bullets and knives in case they run out. If there’s a killer, GET THE HELL OUT OF WHEREVER YOU ARE AND GET HELP. This is never addressed in these stupid films. If a genre needs to dumb down everyone to Maury guest levels, maybe the genre shouldn’t exist.

I was rooting for the killer from the moment I met the characters

Predictable Deaths

There is a running joke that in horror movies, it’s the black guy who always dies first. I think this actually was true for a while, but now it has shifted more to the loud person. Whoever is the vocal leader, usually whoever had the most to live for, is dying first. Anyone else with any sort of brain is going soon after.

We all know who the last two alive will be. The cute lead and her boyfriend/stalker. Sometimes the boyfriend/stalker ends of being the murderer, or gets murdered protecting her. The only person who’s definitely safe is the cute girl. She could get decapitated, stabbed through the heart and blown the hell up, and she’ll make it out alive. It’s actually rarely rare that the cute girl gets touched, other than by some guy in a gratuitous sex scene that didn’t need to happen (though most of the male audience is happy it did). The only thing the cute lead will lose, other than like all of her friends, is layers. By the last 30 minutes, half of the camera’s focus will be more concerned on bouncing physics than building drama.

Most of the unhappy people are the wives and girlfriend

The Killer’s Motivation Sucks

There’s almost never been a good reason for the killer committing these atrocities. I mean, there’s really not going to be a justifiable reason for murder, but most of the these movies have paper-thin reasoning. A lot of killers are after revenge, whether it be due to mistreatment or to avenge someone else, usually the killer’s mother. The probably with the revenge plot is that the killer rarely is getting revenge on the right people. The high school kids he butchers rarely, if ever, have any connection to the initial atrocity other than living in the town or visiting the cursed mansion. Honestly, the revenge plot makes more sense for an action movie. With a few edits, most horror movies could be heroic action films and end up being more believable. Instead, let’s slash up some teens who the killer doesn’t know, but keep the hot one alive.

Any killers that exist due to supernatural reasons are also cliché. The ancient Indian Burial curse is a popular trope, and one of the dumber ones at that. We all know the Native American spirits get their revenge on people by liquidating their bank accounts in casinos. That would be a good horror movie – A Casino where everyone won, and then had some tragic end. Maybe someone would win a million dollars in poker, but then die due to significant paper cuts. See? I’m already better at this horror stuff than the writers.

You’ll also see possession and things being haunted as a popular horror trend. Possession will always be a demon of sorts, such as in the exorcist or Chucky. This should be terrifying, but there’s something about a murderous child or doll that falls flat. I mean, children and creepy looking dolls already scare most men, so making a movie about it seems redundant. Try a possessed beer bottle that’s out to kill drunks. Again, Hollywood, I’m practically saving you right now. Call me.

There’s one final trend that horror movies always has that I’ll never understand. For whatever reason, people shout at the screen in horror movies far more often than other genres. The shouters will give the characters advice, warning them that the killer is in the room they are about to enter. They are aware that movies aren’t live documentaries, right? Yelling won’t do anything but have viewers get furious. I bet the shouters feel like they’re very smart assisting the characters like that. These people would most certainly be killed first in a horror movie, likely running chest first into the murder weapon while shouting “Wait, don’t run in there! Ah Shit!”

Horror movies are the biggest waste of time and money you can find short of investing in Bitcoin***. When ³.sitting on your couch reading Wikipedia is more productive, you know it’s not a good choice. The only thing you might get out of a horror movie is soiled clothes. That’s not good for anyone, especially your date.

If you want to be scared, look at the world. There’s enough going on that could keep anyone up at night. Why let a movie make things worse. Stick with genres that entertain and make you happy. We all deserve a smile or two.

Or, subscribe to blogginhood.com. That’ll put a smile on my face. And truly, isn’t that what really matters?

1. *Peppa Pig DVDs, Baby Corn, any cds, ect.
2. **The dumbest thing you can do with your time watch a Jets game with hope.
3. ***I have no idea what Bitcoin actually is.