Golden Nugget Casino’s Disaster Commercial or A Sponsored Gamble Where Everyone Loses.

Normally, I don’t watch a lot of TV. Ever since Game of Thrones gave two large middle fingers to its fan base, I’ve avoided television. However, I still have a weakness for sports. Between the Mets, Jets, and Maid Megan’s Devils, I manage to watch hours of TV a week. Sports, more so than even serialized dramas and comedies have a plethora of commercial breaks. It was during a Devils game where I discovered a standout Golden Nugget commercial, quite possible the best and worst 30 seconds of every game.

Commercials have never been a benefit of TV. Streaming services took off mostly for the variety and convenience, but I believe avoiding (or minimizing) the commercial breaks helped. The advertising breaks are long, painful, and delay whatever you’re watching. And the worst part is, they’re rarely any good.

National commercials are often cheesy, and rarely succeed in selling the product at hand. Even the Super Bowl ads, the one time a year people look forward to commercials, have flopped recently. Sure, there’s a few one off commercials that are ok, but when’s the last good series of ads on TV? There was a time when Old Spice were the best commercials on TV, and they didn’t try to make sense. Truly, it’s a missed opportunity. Imagine if anyone with writing skills was willing to help companies write passable commercials…

Yeah, imagine that.

However, national commercials look like a frigging Mad Men episode* ¹ compared to their local counterparts. These gems target the local audience, giving them a special look at local shops and products, which tend to be car dealerships. Why are there so many car dealerships making commercials? Unfortunately, since teams are localized, sports love running local commercials. I’ve seen them all. Boy does it make me miss the Old Spice commercials.

Every local commercial I’ve seen is a train wreck. It’s as though they go out of the way to make each as disastrous as possible. Every iteration has a maximum budget of $35. Now, I understand the production values will be lower than national ads. But why does every local commercial look like it’s shot on a 1960s camcorder? Today, directors can shoot Oscar nominated movies off iPhones. Are the businesses near me struggling so bad they don’t have smart phones? Why are companies filming off of the Nokia Brick?

If you’re willing to overlook the god awful picture quality, please do not excuse the comedy. Every single local commercial tries to be funny, and falls flat. I don’t understand why everyone thinks they are a comedian. It isn’t that hard to write a passable 30-60 second script. In fact, there’s plenty of people out willing to do it for a nominal fee.

Yes, imagine that…

During a recent Mets game, I watched a knee slapper. A local car dealership (shocking) showed two of their salesmen drinking a youth potion. There was virtually no set up to this, only vaguely mentioning a customer gave it to them. In the background, a poorly cropped banner read “10% off” with no indication on any limitations. By the end of the commercial, one the salesmen drank too much of the potion, transforming into a photo-shopped baby. The commercial abruptly ended without a punchline.

I’ll give them this; the commercial stuck with me. Now granted, I have no idea what the dealership’s name is, but I’ll never forget that suck ass commercial for the rest of my life. Not only did someone have to write this monstrosity, it was approved and acted out, presumably in front of other people. I wish I lacked that self awareness. There’s funerals with more comedic chops than this.

However, the real hallmark of a bad local commercial is the acting. The performers are typically out acted by inanimate objects. I assume the owners of these local businesses demand to be in the commercials which seems like a mistake. I get wanting to be on camera, but is that worth revealing you can’t out act you office chair?

Truly, this is where the Golden Nugget commercial shines. It features the most awkward interaction I’ve seen on television. Sure, that’s a bold claim but I stand by it. Fortunately, I found the ad on YouTube so everyone outside my area can suffer through it as well. I’d state this isn’t sponsored content, but the second half of this blog makes that clear. Note that I couldn’t embed the video to my post. I guess they didn’t want somebody taking credit for this masterpiece.

Video Link

I make up a staggering number of the views. Sure it was for the blog, but I’m still embarrassed.

There’s a ton to absorb here. While the ad is only 30 seconds, there’s so much rich material to discuss. I think we have to start with our leading man first.

Tillman Fertitta

If that name sounds vaguely familiar, you might know Fertitta as the owner of the Houston Rockets. He’s a billionaire and the Golden Nugget casino is only one of his many assets. He’s a controversial figure, but I’m not going to go down that road here. Instead, I will mention he wrote a book called “Shut Up and Listen!” Well, that’s definitely a way to win people over.

Keep in mind Fertitta’s book title is significantly more persuasive than his acting. Perhaps instead of writing an aggressive book, he could have picked up “Acting for Dummies”**. ²

In a baffling decision, Fertitta expresses regret that he has to fork over winnings to Scotty. He straight up says he hates to give him the money. Why would you include this in a commercial trying to drum people to your online casino? I guess it’s tongue and cheek, but it’s definitely not funny and makes the entire commercial an awkward monstrosity. If you didn’t want to give this check, maybe don’t film a commercial doing so?

Of course, our billionaire protagonist immediately contradicts himself. His next line, an awkwardly smiling Fertitta says he’s happy to give the money to Scotty. No you aren’t. You literally said mere seconds ago that you didn’t want to pay out winnings. Which is it buddy? Make up your mind.

Commercials are 30 seconds long. Nobody involved vetted out this significant portion of the 30 seconds and said “Hmm… maybe we shouldn’t have the billionaire owner of a casino seem like he hates when people win”. I understand casino management isn’t rooting for people to hit jackpots when they play. However, they don’t usually say this out loud, as that’s bad for business. Is the next step announcing a promotion that players will be allowed to use up to 50% of their deposit while the rest goes directly to the house?

My Man Scotty

Oh Scotty.

Look, I don’t particular want to rip on an average Joe. That doesn’t seem fair, even for a man who just won a million bucks. There’s also a chance that Scotty is a paid actor. But my God, if he’s a paid actor, he’s definitely in the wrong line of work.

Commercial actors don’t give Oscar worthy performances, but this… I don’t know what this was. I felt physical pain watching his performance. Scotty has, presumably, won a million dollars, but treats it like he received a $5 Subway gift card. There is no excitement in his voice. Is the commercial leaving out important information? Did Scotty lose $1.5 Million the day before and is still in a hefty hole?

I love how Scotty explained the life altering moment. It’s moving, compelling television.

“I was playing on Golden Nugget casino.com for an hour, and I won”.

Shakespeare eat your heart out. DiCaprio, this is what a true master of their craft can do.

Like, are you frigging kidding me? They didn’t even bother to mention what type of game he was playing. It’s as though he was expecting to hit a giant jackpot and was annoyed it took an hour. Sorry to take time out of your day to acknowledge his achievement.

I could see if Scotty was annoyed because he didn’t tell anyone he’s a millionaire. Then again, he agreed to be on a commercial, so that’s on him. I assume this isn’t an actor, but I can’t imagine a winner not having a shred of excitement. It’s a true paradox. I mean, Fertitta comes off as Daniel Day Lewis is comparison.

The Check

This part was the icing on the cake. I love that Fertitta had to pass the check to Scotty, and they tried to make it look seamless. Were they trying to pretend they were in the same room for this part for some reason? It makes absolutely no sense. Why wouldn’t Scotty just hold up the check? My guess is the Golden Nugget owner wanted the optic of giving it away. That’ll score points on his next book “Don’t Cash That!” Plus, the shot looks stunning in substandard definition.

But my favorite part of this commercial, excluding when it’s over, is Scotty’s priceless response to receiving seven figures.

“Wow, Thanks Tillman”.

It’s the most deadpan delivery in history. I’ve been more excited finding matching socks in the dryer. The first time I watched this commercial, I cackled. Oh, I cackled as loud as I ever have. They had to do this all in one take right? Imagine if this was the best delivery after a twelve hour session.

I also like how Fertitta says he’s so glad a loyal player won the million. Do we know Scotty is a loyal player? I joked about him potentially losing millions earlier, but maybe the dude just played for an hour and cashed out. Tilman also expressed regret paying out the winnings he’s obligated to less than 10 seconds ago. This is a true roller coaster of a commercial.

Look, I don’t ask for much. I just want the Snyder cut of this. I promise, I won’t complain about anything for at least 12 hours. Maybe this will open some doors for Scotty to star in the next Hollywood Blockbuster. I hear there’s going to be an Indiana Jones Five. The emphasis on Hollywood Blockbuster is bust after all.

Is This Salvageable?

No, no it’s not. This is like trying to get two positive ends of a magnet to connect. It’s the uncharismatic force meeting the uninterested object; there’s no way this set up would make a passable ad.

This is problematic, because the commercial was for frigging gambling. We didn’t need any of this. All they had to mention was the deposit match and then give the website. Honestly, that would work. They could have spent the remaining 25 seconds highlighting the dangers of gambling and where to get help for people with a problem. I’d argue a full anti gambling ad would have done less damage to business than the actual commercial.

But no, we didn’t have that. Instead, we have a commercial where the owner of the casino indirectly regrets that his business isn’t rigged as he pays out winnings to the physical embodiment of the unimpressed emoji. And you know the sad thing? There’s probably hundreds of people on the Golden Nugget website right now. Hell, it could be thousands. Maybe that’s the lesson; no matter how bad the commercial is, it’ll work on somebody. I mean, I’m still talking about it.

Still, there’s nothing in this commercial that makes me want to create a Golden Nugget account. I have no desire to gamble from this, and I’d hope most people feel the same. But there is something this commercial does make me want: a sequel. I even have a pitch. Mr. Fertitta, please ignore all my insults to your acting and consider the following follow up to your first foray into acting.

Commercial

Scene: Int. Bank

Scotty tries to enter the bank. He struggles getting through the doors with his comically large check. Eventually, he squeezes in and speaks with a teller.

Scotty: Hey there. I was playing on Golden nugget’s online casino for an hour, and I won. I’ll like to cash out my million dollar check.

Teller: You know that’s a prop and not a valid check, right?

Scotty responds like he’s been told water is wet.

Scotty: Oh ok.

Teller: Do you even have an account with us?

Scotty stares at the camera for several seconds. It’s extremely uncomfortable. He doesn’t acknowledge the question, and the scene ends.

Scene: Ext. The Sky

Tilman Fertitta pilots a hot air balloon with the Golden Nugget logo. He leans in on being a Mr. Burn like eccentric Billionaire but with a mustache.

Tilman: Scotty may have won but few do. Who will win next? Could it be you?

Fertitta laughs. It’s very sketchy.

Tilman: I’m sure you’ll find Golden Nugget’s online casino…Excellent

As the to air balloon flies away, a voice over speaks.

Voice Over: Sign up for Golden Nugget’s casino and receive nearly 80% of the deposit credited.

The commercial would end with the voice over spelling out all of gambling’s dangers and pitfalls. The voice would speak extremely slow and clear. This section would take three minutes but always follow the main commercial.

And there you have it. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that commercial.

Ok, fine, you probably wouldn’t, but it’s better than the fountain of youth concept.

1. *See, this is clever because Mad Men was about advertising and… oh, you already put that together.
2. **Do these books still exist, or did the internet completely wipe out the niche? Ironically, I could google the answer. Hmm… I feel like that answered my question.