Figure Skating – America’s New National Pastime? Or The Olympic Channel is Killing My Sanity

There is an infestation in my household. It seems to be multiplying every time I look up and honestly, I don’t see any way out of it. Try as I might, every week I see eight new ones appear, as if out of thin air. I’ve tried everything I could do to stop it, but to no avail. Even the exterminator has had no success dealing with this growing nest.

No, my apartment isn’t overcome by ants, or rats or even very resourceful beavers. There aren’t twenty corgi puppies nesting in my home…As far as I know. No, I’m referring to one of most surprisingly tenacious infestations I’ve come across – Figure Skating programming.

I know what you’re thinking, “Silly Bloggin Hood. The Olympics don’t start for another two weeks. There’s no televised figure skating yet.” Oh you poor naïve child, that’s where you’re wrong. So blissfully, happily wrong.

As it turns out, Maid Megan, is a huge fan of figure skating. This should be no surprise, as she’s also a big fan of hockey. Since September (!) she has gone back and forward between figure skating competitions and Devils games. Like hockey, figure skating also has a full season. I know, I was surprised to. Each week, skaters from around the world compete in four disciplines: Men’s, Women’s, Pairs and Ice Dancing. Each of these disciplines has a short program and a free dance, which equates to four hours of coverage. That’s 16 hours of figure skating a week. That’s nearly half of the weekly TV Guy Fieri stars in. It’s very impressive. Thankfully, Megan watches these competitions on DVR, otherwise I’d be subjected to seven different “Dilly Dilly” sessions every block.*

What channel could possible handle 16 hours of Ice Skating? Everybody, I’d like to reintroduce you to the Olympic channel. It’s likely you haven’t seen each other since the 2016 Summer Games. The Olympic channel is the most starved for programming network on cable other than Freeform post Harry Potter. It is primarily dominated by sports only seen in Olympic years, such as volleyball, Skiing, Track and Field and lessor known countries hosting Hunger Games to show their ruthlessness. The 16 hours of programming are welcomed for the channel, who would have to play static otherwise. Well, either that or infomercials trying to sell me training skates. I’ll pass.

This actually isn’t my first foray into non-Olympic figure skating. Back in 2014, a few of the Merry Men got together to watch some Divisional round playoff football. The night game was an unfortunate blowout, so we tried to find something else to watch. We stumbled upon figure skating and stuck with it for longer than four men would be expected too. I don’t think everyone on those couches was watching for the athletic prowess and graceful presentation. I think at least two of us were watching for the semi revealing outfits. It was rather awkward when one of the Merry Men texted the group about the male figure skating standings the next day.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with Megan being into figure skating. I firmly believe people should embrace their interests. I mean, look at me. I’m a 30-year-old who eagerly awaits the next episode of Ducktales, played Smash Brothers so much I used to review characters on my old site, and rant about nearly anything, including figure skating. This is as meta of paragraph as you’ll ever read. I think it’s good that she’s taking an interest in the sport.

But Jesus Christ how many frigging weeks of this is there? I mean, the Mets play 162 games, not counting spring training or (gulp) postseason games, and it feels like a sprint compared to this. There’s so many competitions it makes my head spin. However, it does give me time to write more blog posts. In full disclosure, I’m writing this blog as she watches another competition. It works out for both of us.

When you watch this much figure skating, whether it’s directly or indirectly, it’s natural to pick up a few things. Somehow, I don’t think I’ve learned anything about the sport. I know they jump in sequence to music but I feel like that’s common knowledge. What I have picked up is many complaints about the sports that I’d like to share with you. Remember, you might not have figure skating in your life now, but that could change at anytime. Two years ago, I was figure skating free. Now I’m suffering from the effects of SHS (Second Hand Skating). Remember, don’t let this infestation grow without seeking professional help.

Before I begin with my well thought out, professional style critique, I do want to say something positive about figure skating. These skaters often receive a lot of flak for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are mocked for participating in a “wussy” sport. Some people don’t respect the craft at all, and fail to consider the skaters athletes. Some people knock their attire, which…well, this one is fair. I saw one competitor dress like Elvis and skate to a medley of his tunes. He’ll be in the Olympics so let’s start getting the hashtag #Elvisisntdead trending.

Look, I’m not here to say figure skating is the greatest sport in the world. But you can’t dismiss the athleticism involved. Let’s leave all the jumps and spins aside for a moment and consider just the skating itself. These men and women are skating at high speeds for 2-4 minutes while leaping and dancing. NHL players tend only to be on the ice for 45-60 seconds at a time before getting tired. When figure skaters do spin and jump, they have to place themselves perfectly for their next step with no delay. They never show signs to dizziness and while they do get fatigued it’s after a grueling program. I have trouble walking on snow. These athletes do incredible things.

And they definitely are athletes. You’re not able to flip in the air with a beer gut and a disdain for cardio. If you consider baseball players and golfers athletes but don’t include figure skaters, you’re wrong. The last time Bartolo Colon did a double axel is when he turned his car around too quickly trying to reclaim his forgotten milkshake at McDonald’s.

At the very least, respect the amount of work they put in. They deserve that.

Please don’t misconstrued that as a vote in favor of figure skating. We do not need extra coverage each week. The DVR would explode. I have plenty of complains about the sport. We’ll begin with the part most people seem to enjoy, the jumping.

There are, by my count, six different kinds of jumps in figure skating – the toe loop, lutz, axel, regular loop (cause that’s not confusing), flip (not as exciting as it sounds) and sour cow. The sour cow is the most difficult jump, and with a name like that, it’s easy to see why.**All of these jumps have varying degrees of difficulties, but I can’t tell what they are. You know why? They all look exactly the same. Even the setups for the jumps are identical. I’m sure an avid fan or professional can tell, but I’m an out of shape guy on the couch. I don’t have the faintest idea. Nobody during these 16 hours a week have explained the differences, yet they painfully go over the scoring system in detail every time (we’ll get there). Maybe if they explained how the jumps worked, I’d go out to the rink and try it, but now, I’m too insulted to bother.

Another issue I have is jump combos. Combo jumps are where a skater will complete back to back jumps in sequence (Shocking, right?). This is considered the most difficult element in a program and the participants can really rack up extra points by landing them. However, the rules allow for the skaters to take a half step break in between jumps. You know what that is? Two separate jumps!

If I’m playing Street Fighter and I pause in between my first punch and second punch, the game will not register this as a combo. It will register as two separate attacks. This logic should apply to figure skating. Skaters who can perform and land consecutive jumps with no pause deserve extra points than those taking the pause. Instead both are considered the same. This could be the difference between receiving a medal and finishing fourth in the Olympics. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a sour cow and a happy one, but even I see the flaw here. This isn’t the only flaw in the scoring system though.

In today’s system, scores are provided as a composite total of the judges. This is a vast difference from past competitions, where each individual judge, typically one from each country competing, gave their scores out of 6.0. You’ll see this type of scoring in events such as diving, so the precedent is still there.*** How could we have let this change happen? One of the hallmarks of the Olympics was blaming bad scores and losses on the bias judges, namely Russia. Russian judges were infamous for giving low marks to top contending nations, and favoring their own athletes. Am I supposed to take losses reasonably and accept this composite score now? That’s an outrage. I want to berate the bias Russian judge like the good old days. USA! USA!

Another issue is how this composite score is totaled. The skaters are judged on two categories – execution and presentation. It seems to me that both of these elements are weighed evenly, with a slight edge to execution. Shouldn’t execution be the only thing that matters? I get that figure skating is performance art, but let’s not confuse these athletes with thespians.**** Skaters shouldn’t be getting nearly 50% of their points because they chose a nice song and got the crowd to clap to the beat. I get it, immersion into the performance is crucial. I’m not saying to forgo presentation entirely. I just thinks it’s overall worth should be lowered. Let’s say to 25%. This way, the best skaters will win based on, you know, competitive excellence instead of a snappy song the judges like.

Finally, the actual scoring of the skating leaves a lot to be desired, The commenting team tries to explain it, and God bless them, they’re trying, but it makes no sense. Part of this may be because I’m half listening as I research potential sequel articles on Peppa Pig, but I think there’s major flaws. Competitors’ jumps are judged based on the type of jump, the amount of rotations, and their landing. Each jump is planned beforehand, and has a base value assigned to it. If the jump is not completed as planned, points may be deducted. If the jump is excellent, additional points may be rewarded. The number of spins is the key to the competition. Typically, jumps will range from two spins to four, known as the quad. The quad is basically the touchdown, home run or alley oop of figure skating. It’s what puts the butts in the seats.

Now, here’s where things get dumb. Due to the difficulty, quads have a higher base point total than other jumps. I’m fine with this. The problem is there’s not nearly enough penalty for failing to complete the jump, even if the skater falls. A fall on any jump is an automatic 1 point deduction. You may lose more points depending on if you completed all the planned aerial spins and how bad the landing was. Now, remember how the quad has a higher base score? Some of these skaters are getting more points for falling on a quad than skaters receive for completing triple jumps. That makes no sense. Sure, the quad jumps are more difficult, but the jump didn’t land. Why is any credit rewarded? Are we going to give everybody participation medals for showing up at the Olympics too?

This isn’t a charity. We’re rewarding people for packing their program full of jumps they can’t do. Take the best skater in the US, Nathan Chen. His program has like 17 quads in it (It might be five or six, whatever). This is at least two more than anyone else. If he lands all of these, he wins, and that’s fair. But if he falls several times, he’s still likely to win because his base point total is so high. Somebody could skate flawlessly and lose to a Chen covered in ice burns and bruises because his program breaks the scoring system. And no, the answer isn’t more stupid presentation points. That would be worse than more participation ribbons. Start punishing falls, judges. The Russian judge would have. If there were steeper penalties for missing tough jumps, they wouldn’t be attempted as often, making them special. This would also let execution, the whole point of this completion, actually matter.

Man, that was a technical complaint. The sad thing is I didn’t have to research anything there. See how much figure skating has been on in my home? It’s attacking my brain. Don’t worry. The rest of my points are more traditional Blogging Hood ones. There will be no more facts for the remainder of this blog, and probably the quarter.

One of the more mocked parts of figure skating is the costumes. I’ll admit, they’re often a bit much. You’ll see all sorts of sequins, elaborate patterns and fancy, pristine shirts – and that’s just for the men. I understand they go hand in hand with the performance element, and if we have to judge presentation, it’s necessary. What I don’t get is how to these men and women spin around in some of these clothes. You’ll see people wear full on suits and act like they’re skating in sweats. If anything, they don’t get enough credit for this.

I think we focus on the wrong part of the costumes for men. Instead of focusing on the sequins and the crazy hairstyles, maybe we should be complementing their work at the gym. Do any of the readers remember Michael Turner? Sure, Turner the Burner turned out to not be much of a sprinter, but he did have a powerful caboose. Did you ever see Turner’s legs? They were disgusting tree trunks. Every time he got the ball, you couldn’t look away from them, though you’d try with all your might. Every single male figure skater is built the same way. Why aren’t these men given a bigger pair of pants. If I have to be subject to figure skating, I don’t need their asses taking up half the screen. According to Megan, many of these men are accused of wearing butt pads to accentuate their backsides. Why do I feel this accusation is for the wrong gender? Look, I’m not asking for the answer to the butt pad mystery – just please go up a size gents.

You don’t hear as many complaints about the women’s costumes. Most people are fine with them wearing the sequins, patterns, and nobody complains if they show a little skin. I have a serious complaint though. Currently, it seems the best women’s skater is Alina Zagitova of Russia.***** She has skated three times on the hours of programming I’ve vaguely paid attention to, and she finishes every program flawlessly. Nobody has come close to challenging her thus far. If I was a betting man (HINT HINT), I’d put my money on her winning the gold. You know what’s even more impressive about her? She’s only 15.

You know what’s more distressing about her? She’s barely covered up. The poor girl has a dress that nearly exposes her extremely underage parts. Is this how we celebrate our up and coming athletes? I wouldn’t want my daughter to own this outfit, let alone wear it in public. It makes me think Russia knows something about the Judges panel that we don’t. Are they made up of adults who uncomfortably hang out around high schools? Somebody needs to step in and clothed this poor girl. She’s going to catch a cold and miss the Olympics.

I considered showing the outfit, but I’m pretty the FBI would have shut down this site in seconds.

While we’re on the presentation, the song choices for many of these performances suck. The majority of competitors won’t pick a song from this century, instead choosing a vintage song, or perhaps something classical. These are safe choices likely to make the skater an also-ran. The point of the presentation is to engage the crowd. If tough to engage the crowd when you put them to sleep with your lullaby medley from the Middle Ages. People need to be more creative.

Imagine the creativity a skater could have if they performed to the musical stylings of Metallica? Perhaps the crowd would clap their hands for samples of Kendrick Lamar’s work. These are songs that get the audience moving in their seats. Let’s face it, if a skater struggles to pick a song, he or she probably isn’t a good skater. If you can’t win on technical skill, you better kill the floor show and go viral. My choice for a song? Leave (Get Out) by JoJo.******This timeless classic would move the audience and probably get some bonus points from the judges, especially the ones a little too interested in Zagitova.

Since we brought up people being also-rans, a disappointing aspect of figure skating is the sportsmanship. Nobody seems to hate each other. Everybody is respectful of others’ talent and while they want to win, they are gracious in defeat. What the hell is this bullshit?

I’m from an era where Tonya Harding had a lead pipe taken to Nancy Kerrigan’s knee. Have these men and women learned nothing? Harding is still a viral name while the only people who remember Kerrigan is because she was nearly taken out by an assault. This was when figure skating was all the rage. Playing clean won’t get these kids anywhere. The current skaters could learn a thing from Harding and spice up the sport. Maybe Vincent Zhou cuts a circular hole in the ice where Nathan Chen is skating, and he falls waist deep in. Maybe Kaetlyn Osmund traps Alina Zagitova with a well place Net.

Maybe I should flood my site with pictures of Kaetlyn Osmund to increase viewership.

All I know is I want rivalries, trash talk and maybe a steel chair. Is it so much to what the WWE on ice?

Pairs skating adds a very unique element to the mix – throwing your partner like a rag doll. Now, it’s not as exciting as it sounds, but the male teammate throws the woman into the air where she spins until being (hopefully) caught safely. This is all well and good, but how has nobody considered tossing their partner like a football? Do you know how many spins a tight spiral would earn? You’d crush Nathan Chen on that one move alone. I mean, sure the medical bills would be high, but I’m so in for this. Any volunteers?

You’re all cowards.

Ice Dance is similar, but instead of throws, there are holds where the partner lifts the other and holds for a few seconds. From what I can tell, every male skater grabs their female partner’s ass while doing so. I know I could criticize this, but I have to say, that’s a crafty move. If more men knew about this, I bet there would have been plenty of ice dancers in middle school. Who knew there was a career in playing grab ice on ice?

What’s not ok with ice dance is that there is a sibling team representing the USA. I’ve heard of being a close family, but this is ridiculous. Ice dance is sexualized, with plenty of close face to face poses, passion and yes, lots of butt grabbing. Consider me old-fashioned, I don’t think siblings should be engaging in that sort of activity. If they reel back the passion, they might lose on the presentation elements. See? I told you that scoring presentation so highly was dumb.  We haven’t seen questionable brother sister behavior like this since Game of Thrones

I think America will be backing other, non creepy teams.

Finally, we can all admit that figure skating is a progressive sport. They have openly gay athletes, and that’s wonderful. But figure skating is not as progressive as it seems. There are no same-sex pairings. That’s probably a rule, but this is 2018. The times are changing. Shouldn’t this be allowed? I think the Olympic committee needs to consider this.

Ok fine, I just want to see Blades of Glory come to life. Like you wouldn’t be into Chazz Michael Michales and Jimmy McElroy performing the iron Lotus. It would be spectacular.

All in all, figure skating isn’t the worst televised show, in small doses. However you don’t want to overdose. With my suggested changes, the sport could be the première winter Olympic event for years to come.

Ah who am I kidding? It’s not passing up curling. Professional sweeping is something I just can’t get enough of.

 

*Yes, I’m aware Bud Light isn’t intended for the average figure skating viewers. However, Coors Light might have a marketing opportunity here, as they could say their beer is as cold as ice. There’s a free marketing lesson for you. Don’t worry about sending me cash Coors, but I would take a few cases of golden bullets.

**Yes, yes I know it’s the salchow. Just let it happen.

***Come to think of it, who wouldn’t watch Diving in the winter Olympics? Imagine diving into frozen water, and then being judged for showing you were cold. Or for turning blue? This would be the marquee event.

****Surprisingly thespians is not a dirty word. I know, I thought it was too!

*****Technically it’s fake Russia, since Russia is barred from the Olympics, but whatever.

******There will be plenty more references to this forgotten legend on Bloggin Hood #neverforget Don’t worry she’s not dead.